:
ok so that last post was rather dismal. I am feeling much better now. I hate when I say shit out of anger or frustration. That is what blurty is good for because then you dont really say it you just vent it in your journal
daily dysfunctional
Recent Entries
You are viewing the most recent 25 entries.
22nd December 2009
13th December 2009
:
blurty its been so long but you are always there for me when i need you. i have some shit in my head thats hard to confess i will get back to that later. right now i fucking hate everyone well not mark but everyone else. I am so pissed I was glad that eric always got along and liked my friends but i didnt think that when we broke up that he would replace me with my friends. I cannot hang out with ANY of my friends without him there. He seriously ALWAYS shows up fucking always. Its like the goddamn ghost of boyfriend past and I hate it. Oh well fuck him and fuck them I guess I will make new friends wait who needs fucking friends when you have kids. I don't have fucking time for them anyways. yes being a single mom with an absentee father is a real fucking joy too. it doesnt matter that i have no help in this world besides the government I am goddamn wonder woman. and fuck christmas too i dont have a fucking single dollar to get my kids any fucking thing and if i did i would spend it on beer. i want to get fucking shittyand my daughter doesnt ever want to see a man in my life because all i need is her right?!? she runs the fucking show around here. I am a horrible bitch cunt of a mom anyways. i want to starve. i dont want to eat for weeks i am a fat fucking cow. how can anyone love me when i am hideous and a fucking mom to top it off. he will figure out soon enough that i am a piece of shit. i want to cut out my tounge so i cannot speak EVER. I can't wait for this fucking week to be over but i have sitting trapped in my home listening to my kids fight constantly to look forward too. no one can fucking love me weeeeeeeee
23rd October 2009
:
i miss blurty. i haven't written in forever. right this moment I dont have time to write either. nothing heartfelt at least. i have so much i need to get out. i guess i will have to try again on a different day
20th March 2009
:
ahh blurty i still love you I have spent years of my life with you I have moved on to blogspot but i will always love you and don't worry I will still write
11th February 2009
:
Its been awhile since i have updated. I wonder how many posts I would have to make to be in the top 10 and how far back they count.went to SF last weekend it was FUN. taking 17 units. serving on 2 boards. kids doing karate, swim team and soccer. still with E. life is hectic and this is my way of taking a break or procrastinating when I should be studying for my exam tomorrow. I can hardly wait for spring break!!!Going to SF was weird because I use to be a homeless street kid there and now i was a tourist. my my how times have changed. I liked being a street kid better but now I am domesticon HOWEVER I love my kids lots and wouldnt trade that for the world.
6th January 2009
:
I saw one of my old teachers today. I don't think he knew who I was. I went up to him and said "excuse me can I interrupt you for a moment, " he was working like a mad man at the coffee shop hidden behind his notebooks and computer, " I just wanted to say how much I respect and admire your work and you have been a big influence on my life, thank you" then i quickly ran away. This was very hard for me to say. He has done so much work on saving and restoring watersheds he insures fish have an adequate habitat to help save salmon and other fish which is only a small part of the big picture( i cannot say enough here so I will leave it at that for now). he is very dedicated and accomplished. i cried after I told him due to the overwhelming amount of admiration I have for him. He changed my life basically. It is so good to know that there are such selfless people out there in the world working consistently to make a change for the better. I wish I knew more people like that but most of us are caught up in our own little worlds. If we all gave even 1/2 that effort what a different world this would be.
Current Mood: 
touched
touched4th January 2009
:
Congratulations on being the creator of a new
Evil Plan (tm)!
Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.
Your motive is a little bit more complex: Madness
Stage One
To begin your plan, you must first seduce a scientist. This will cause the world to give one another worried looks, amazed by your arrival. Who is this evil genius? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in classic black?
Stage Two
Next, you must desecrate mt. rushmore. This will all be done from a haunted woods, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will lose their minds, as countless hordes of mad scientists hasten to do your every bidding.
Stage Three
Finally, you must unleash your great supernatural forces, bringing about something that's really metal. Your name shall become synonymous with fuzzy bunnies, and no man will ever again dare make you clean your room. Everyone will bow before your extraordinary charisma, and the world will have no choice but to fall madly in love with you.
Evil Plan (tm)!
Your objective is simple: Soul Accumulation.
Your motive is a little bit more complex: Madness
Stage One
To begin your plan, you must first seduce a scientist. This will cause the world to give one another worried looks, amazed by your arrival. Who is this evil genius? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in classic black?
Stage Two
Next, you must desecrate mt. rushmore. This will all be done from a haunted woods, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will lose their minds, as countless hordes of mad scientists hasten to do your every bidding.
Stage Three
Finally, you must unleash your great supernatural forces, bringing about something that's really metal. Your name shall become synonymous with fuzzy bunnies, and no man will ever again dare make you clean your room. Everyone will bow before your extraordinary charisma, and the world will have no choice but to fall madly in love with you.
20th December 2008
:
so i haven't posted in a really long time but i am going to try to post real quick now. shit has been bugging me so maybe i just need to get it out. I have been so unhappy really with my relationship. i mean my bf is great but shit bugs me. it bugs me that he drinks too much, it bugs me that he smokes everyday, it bugs me that he has no home, it bugs me that he has $ but its in the bank he didn't bother to take some out for the weekend, so I have to feed him when I have 2 kids to take care of, it bugs me that he just collects ssi because he is too lazy to work. I want to be the woman not the mom. I want someone who wants to help take care of me. I am always the mom in my relationships I HATE that. i hate that he expects to have my bed when its a twin bed and he doesnt cuddle just hogs up the bed. i hate that he stinks up my room. BUT he has never beat me,he puts up with my crap, i can trust him and the kids love him who cares if hes a drug dealer ............right?
14th May 2008
:
so I turned down the internship. It was a hard decision but I think i made the right choice.
18th March 2008
:
i am confused. i dont know what i want right now. i'm lonely. i love to be alone but i am lonely. i got in a fight with E today. i don't know if i still want to be with him or not. i dont know if he wants to be with me or not. i am going to try not to worry about it what happen happens and what ever happen was meant to be i guess. i dont necessarily want to be single for the rest of my life but i need to have someone with their shit together not a little boy who is drunk and lazy as fuck. whatever. i am sure he is done putting up with me too. its going to be a dysfunctional summer if the kids are away.
21st February 2008
: school assignment
I am a mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am a poor white thirty-four years young female. I am creative, resourceful, and smart. I am a cosmetologist. I am a punk rocker. I am opinionated and passionate. I can do anything I put my mind to.
My identity began to form as my cognitive development grew. I was an only child for nearly the first eight years of my life. My parents were both twenty-one when I was born. They were married for twenty years of my life. My dad was in a motorcycle gang better known as the Hells Angels and my mother was a workaholic. I was very independent as a child and mostly left to my own devices. As a child, my limitations were few. I had free roam of the neighborhood and I could travel as far as my bike would take me, getting lost often. My mother would send me with a note and money to buy her packs of cigarettes from the store. When I was five, I was sent on an airplane alone to go to London. I had vague memories of my nanny (grandmother) whom I had met on a trip to England when I was three. I was going to live with her. I got off the airplane to meet this stranger I would be now living with. A large part of my identity formed with this venture. The parental cord had been cut. I knew now that I could go anywhere, into unfamiliar circumstances and everything would be all right. This only made my independence grow further.
I was enrolled in a Catholic school. We worn uniforms and said prayers. This was very different from my experience back in the United States. One day after two years my nannie’s husband was at work and we got on a plane and left back to America. She never told him she was leaving. He had often beaten her. She taught me to be strong and how to pick yourself up out of a bad situation and just go when you need to. We came back to America. We moved in with my mother and father. We lived in a bad neighborhood with lots of prostitutes on our block and crime. My dad’s biker friends were at our house drinking and playing poker daily. I would be harassed by prostitutes for my bike and children that called themselves names like bulldozer. This taught me how to cope with negativity. It was these next two years my innocence was lost. The neighborhood and things going on in my home made me grow to wise for my age. My workaholic mother escaped through work, I escaped through books. I was the top student in my class. I was a G.A.T.E. kid scoring in the 99th percentile on all my proficiency exams and scoring cigarette butts out of my parent’s ashtray to smoke. I was nearing eight years old and then my brother was born.
My dad’s best friend was murdered and we decided it was finally time to move.
We moved to Lake Tahoe. It was a lot different from anywhere I had lived before. I had a whole forest to explore now. It did not take long before I was responsible for my brother on a daily basis. This taught me that I would often be stuck doing stuff I did not want to do. I was always stuck with my kid brother. I had to cook for his clean up after him and let him tag along everywhere I went. Responsibilities ugh! By the time I turned eighteen when most kids are gaining responsibilities I was leaving home and shedding mine.
After leaving home this is where one of the two biggest influences to my identity occurred. I became homeless. Not because I had any drug or alcohol problems but because I was free. I did not want to be a part of the whole capitalist consumer society. I slept under the stars and under bridges. I lived for years without turning on a light switch or a television. I lived for years with no money. I traveled across twenty-two states on freight trains. I ate well out of trashcans on peoples waste. Everything I owned could fit into my backpack. While people were going off to college, I was learning more than you could ever learn in school. Then one day seven years later all that changed and I found out I was going to be a mother.
The first thing I did when I found out I was going to be a mother was to get a job, actually, I got a couple. I worked 70 hours a week. Work, that is what mothers did. That is what my mother did. I lived in a meadow and worked until I could get a place to live. I was growing so attached to this child within me that I knew I could not be away from it. I decided to work from home. Licensed childcare seemed like a good solution. I knew that anything I put my mind to I could do and got licensed just prior to giving birth. A huge turnaround in a short amount of time. I now have two children by the same man but I am a single mother. I am not a single mom like other single moms I know. My kids do not know their dad. They do not receive birthday cards or spend weekends with him. He does not send money. He does not call. It is being a mother that has formed my identity the most. I am a strong, confident mother. I am a co-sleeping, attachment parenting, ex tandem nursing, anti-immunizing mama. I have learned more from them than any life experience. My identity has changed so much. I still have parts from my whole life in there but everything is different now. I am a mother I attend a university, I live under a roof. I go grocery shopping. I serve on two boards of directors. I sing in two bands.
My identity is continuing to form daily because when you are green you grow and when you are ripe, you rot. I think Bronfenbrenner is partially right human development starts with a child and there seeds can be planted but it seems that it is not until you are older that your true identity begins to emerge. At least it is that way for me. The problem I have with people like Bronfenbrenner, Maslow, Olson, Hill etc. is you cannot fit everyone into a box. All of their theories may ring true but only for some. Everyone is different and all theories are flawed in some way. I do know that I am happy to be me and I can be anything I want to be despite anything that has happened in my life. My life is my choosing. My identity is what I have chosen.
I am a mother, daughter, sister and friend. I am a poor white thirty-four years young female. I am creative, resourceful, and smart. I am a cosmetologist. I am a punk rocker. I am opinionated and passionate. I can do anything I put my mind to.
My identity began to form as my cognitive development grew. I was an only child for nearly the first eight years of my life. My parents were both twenty-one when I was born. They were married for twenty years of my life. My dad was in a motorcycle gang better known as the Hells Angels and my mother was a workaholic. I was very independent as a child and mostly left to my own devices. As a child, my limitations were few. I had free roam of the neighborhood and I could travel as far as my bike would take me, getting lost often. My mother would send me with a note and money to buy her packs of cigarettes from the store. When I was five, I was sent on an airplane alone to go to London. I had vague memories of my nanny (grandmother) whom I had met on a trip to England when I was three. I was going to live with her. I got off the airplane to meet this stranger I would be now living with. A large part of my identity formed with this venture. The parental cord had been cut. I knew now that I could go anywhere, into unfamiliar circumstances and everything would be all right. This only made my independence grow further.
I was enrolled in a Catholic school. We worn uniforms and said prayers. This was very different from my experience back in the United States. One day after two years my nannie’s husband was at work and we got on a plane and left back to America. She never told him she was leaving. He had often beaten her. She taught me to be strong and how to pick yourself up out of a bad situation and just go when you need to. We came back to America. We moved in with my mother and father. We lived in a bad neighborhood with lots of prostitutes on our block and crime. My dad’s biker friends were at our house drinking and playing poker daily. I would be harassed by prostitutes for my bike and children that called themselves names like bulldozer. This taught me how to cope with negativity. It was these next two years my innocence was lost. The neighborhood and things going on in my home made me grow to wise for my age. My workaholic mother escaped through work, I escaped through books. I was the top student in my class. I was a G.A.T.E. kid scoring in the 99th percentile on all my proficiency exams and scoring cigarette butts out of my parent’s ashtray to smoke. I was nearing eight years old and then my brother was born.
My dad’s best friend was murdered and we decided it was finally time to move.
We moved to Lake Tahoe. It was a lot different from anywhere I had lived before. I had a whole forest to explore now. It did not take long before I was responsible for my brother on a daily basis. This taught me that I would often be stuck doing stuff I did not want to do. I was always stuck with my kid brother. I had to cook for his clean up after him and let him tag along everywhere I went. Responsibilities ugh! By the time I turned eighteen when most kids are gaining responsibilities I was leaving home and shedding mine.
After leaving home this is where one of the two biggest influences to my identity occurred. I became homeless. Not because I had any drug or alcohol problems but because I was free. I did not want to be a part of the whole capitalist consumer society. I slept under the stars and under bridges. I lived for years without turning on a light switch or a television. I lived for years with no money. I traveled across twenty-two states on freight trains. I ate well out of trashcans on peoples waste. Everything I owned could fit into my backpack. While people were going off to college, I was learning more than you could ever learn in school. Then one day seven years later all that changed and I found out I was going to be a mother.
The first thing I did when I found out I was going to be a mother was to get a job, actually, I got a couple. I worked 70 hours a week. Work, that is what mothers did. That is what my mother did. I lived in a meadow and worked until I could get a place to live. I was growing so attached to this child within me that I knew I could not be away from it. I decided to work from home. Licensed childcare seemed like a good solution. I knew that anything I put my mind to I could do and got licensed just prior to giving birth. A huge turnaround in a short amount of time. I now have two children by the same man but I am a single mother. I am not a single mom like other single moms I know. My kids do not know their dad. They do not receive birthday cards or spend weekends with him. He does not send money. He does not call. It is being a mother that has formed my identity the most. I am a strong, confident mother. I am a co-sleeping, attachment parenting, ex tandem nursing, anti-immunizing mama. I have learned more from them than any life experience. My identity has changed so much. I still have parts from my whole life in there but everything is different now. I am a mother I attend a university, I live under a roof. I go grocery shopping. I serve on two boards of directors. I sing in two bands.
My identity is continuing to form daily because when you are green you grow and when you are ripe, you rot. I think Bronfenbrenner is partially right human development starts with a child and there seeds can be planted but it seems that it is not until you are older that your true identity begins to emerge. At least it is that way for me. The problem I have with people like Bronfenbrenner, Maslow, Olson, Hill etc. is you cannot fit everyone into a box. All of their theories may ring true but only for some. Everyone is different and all theories are flawed in some way. I do know that I am happy to be me and I can be anything I want to be despite anything that has happened in my life. My life is my choosing. My identity is what I have chosen.
17th February 2008
:
01. In one word, describe yesterday:
busy
02. What made you smile today?
a hug from my kids
03. What were you doing at 8:00am?
++ still sleeping
04. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
cleaning out the greenhouse
05. Something that happened to you in
1995?
i moved to san diego
06. Last thing someone said to you?
now?
bye mom
07. What was your answer!"
bye sweetpea have fun
08. Worst thing currently on
television:
well i only get one channel and i dont really know whats on it
09. What was in your e-mail today?
none amazing
10. How many different beverages have
you drank today?
h2o
11. What is your favorite part of this
day?
planting my rose bush
12. Your current To-Do list?
take a shower, finish laundry
13. Where is your best friend right
now?
i dont know maybe at the beach with her horse (no wait she went out last night so probably in bed)
14. What color is your toothbrush?
white
15. What are you wearing right now?
my frilly grandma panties and a strung up tshirt
16. Any plans for Friday night?
its only sunday
17. Least favorite place to shop?
I really dislike shopping anywhere
18. Things you bought today?
nothing yay (no wait movie tickets and popcorn)
19. Last gift you received?
a rose bush
20. Who gave you that?
Eric
21. What made you sad today?
eric not calling
22. What can make you happy?
my kids
busy
02. What made you smile today?
a hug from my kids
03. What were you doing at 8:00am?
++ still sleeping
04. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
cleaning out the greenhouse
05. Something that happened to you in
1995?
i moved to san diego
06. Last thing someone said to you?
now?
bye mom
07. What was your answer!"
bye sweetpea have fun
08. Worst thing currently on
television:
well i only get one channel and i dont really know whats on it
09. What was in your e-mail today?
none amazing
10. How many different beverages have
you drank today?
h2o
11. What is your favorite part of this
day?
planting my rose bush
12. Your current To-Do list?
take a shower, finish laundry
13. Where is your best friend right
now?
i dont know maybe at the beach with her horse (no wait she went out last night so probably in bed)
14. What color is your toothbrush?
white
15. What are you wearing right now?
my frilly grandma panties and a strung up tshirt
16. Any plans for Friday night?
its only sunday
17. Least favorite place to shop?
I really dislike shopping anywhere
18. Things you bought today?
nothing yay (no wait movie tickets and popcorn)
19. Last gift you received?
a rose bush
20. Who gave you that?
Eric
21. What made you sad today?
eric not calling
22. What can make you happy?
my kids
14th January 2008
:
I finally got accepted to university. it will be my senior year. I cried. I am 34. I thought about that and thought maybe I should have done it when i was 18 but I have learned more with my life experience than I could ever learn in any school. The knowledge I have now is more than many people twice my age have. I wouldn't trade that in for anything. I have learned about love and life. I have hopped trains and lived on the streets. I have worked in France I have taken my kids to 3 different countries. I am a mom. I have owned my own business. I gotten my cosmetology license. I have served on board of directors etc. I am a completely single mom and my kids are pretty amazing so I must be doing something right there. I have learned a lot. I have been working really hard and I am glad. I think its good to give myself some credit once and awhile, I don't do it enough. My kids are going to watch me eventually graduate for the first time in my life wooohohooo. I guess this also means I might take an internship this summer hmm
14th December 2007
:
Today someone gave ma a bus ticket so I didn't have to buy one. I got $91 back for my books :) I found a new jacket it seems warm and has a hood and its black. It was on the side of the road. I walked all the way to get the kids. It was nice. We are all now officially on vacation woohoo. less than two days until our trip.
13th December 2007
:
i have decided that I am going to change my life but in little ways. I am tired of being a grumpy negative scrooge so I am going to focus on the positive in my life so i am going to write nice things in my journal now.
Today I finished all my classes for this semester. I had my last 2 finals today yay. I didnt do that great on them but i am fairly certain i passed all my classes I am so glad they are over. my kids have been getting up on their own it is NICE:) I made homemade carrot soup and it was yummy. I am looking forward to our trip I am excited. it will be so nice to just have nothing to do. I am looking forward to relaxing and reading my noam chomsky book. I saw 2 small deer yesterday while i was walking aww. It is going to be weird going to seattle i haven't been there in 10 years. I am planning on going to canada the girls have never been on a ferry FUN.
Today I finished all my classes for this semester. I had my last 2 finals today yay. I didnt do that great on them but i am fairly certain i passed all my classes I am so glad they are over. my kids have been getting up on their own it is NICE:) I made homemade carrot soup and it was yummy. I am looking forward to our trip I am excited. it will be so nice to just have nothing to do. I am looking forward to relaxing and reading my noam chomsky book. I saw 2 small deer yesterday while i was walking aww. It is going to be weird going to seattle i haven't been there in 10 years. I am planning on going to canada the girls have never been on a ferry FUN.
26th November 2007
:
34 years later I have a career goal. I must be growing up. I am going to have to move to a city. It feels good to have a plan and something to work towards.
17th November 2007
:
Make a part of your life an act that takes you beyond your bounds --helping people that are not part of your family or circle of friends, doing something that does not fit within your own self-definition.
I took this from someones blurty because I liked it
I took this from someones blurty because I liked it
16th November 2007
:
I was so cool last night to hear intelligent people with goals and ambitions. I am so tired of people whose only ambition is to get fucked up. I am so tired of people who just shoot drugs and then whine to me when they are in the hospital because they fucked themselves all up. That shit is too draining on me. I am not better than them I am just on a different path at this point in my life. I wish I could be there but I can't I need to take care of my kids and I don't need those people in my life anymore. That is fucked I know. My kids are top priority and I need to save my energy for them. It would be nice to hang out with people who are uplifting not energy vampires.
25th October 2007
:
i like him alot. I can handle the fact that he may never have his shit together. I don't even care if he never gets me off. what I can't handle is the fact that he isn't affectionate i am feeling so starved for affection that when guys want to make out it is getting harder and harder to resist because I like it so much and my bf doesnt. when i climb in bed naked or whatever i dont want my bf to turn and face the opposite direction and not even touch me. I am sorry he gets uncomfortable but i am left feeling really unsexy. It was nice last night and the other week to hear someone tell me how beautiful I am and have them want to kiss me I just wish I could get that from him. I don't know how much longer I can handle it I am not sure I can. I'm not happy.........
22nd October 2007
:
i like alone time
3rd October 2007
:
I think its funny how he pretends to care and that he is going to possibly move here blah blah blah when his wife writes that they are finally moving to washington. Why is he trying to kid me. Maybe his wife is dumb and gulliable so he forgot that I am not. I never bought into his bs. Why is he bothering? does it ease his conscience? I met a boy and he seemed to like me. A boy that I would probably have alot of fun with but I have a boyfriend. the part that stinks is that I like my boyfriend so much but our relationship doesnt seem to be cutting it. I don't think any other one would either. My bf has no home, no job, will not make out or cuddle and never gets me off. Not to mention that but he makes a mess in my house, drinks and smokes daily and eats alot of my food. BUT he is so nice to me and has been here for my kids emotionally and stuff for the past 3+ years he has never hit me never yelledand helps me out so much especially considering the kids arent his. He is the only father figure they have ever had in their life. I am so frustrated and don't know what to do?
20th September 2007
:
I remember one night in Paris (how cliche) I was lost by myself and I found a guy and we hung out all night and never touched. We couldn't speak each others language and we had the greatest time just enjoying each others company. I don't think I will ever forget that night but I already forgot what he even looked like.
I remember one night in Paris (how cliche) I was lost by myself and I found a guy and we hung out all night and never touched. We couldn't speak each others language and we had the greatest time just enjoying each others company. I don't think I will ever forget that night but I already forgot what he even looked like.
30th August 2007
:
well i usually only write in here when i am not happy so i thought i would just do it now. i am not necessarily happy just not pissed off either i have been busy i am busy it keeps my mind occup[ied
29th August 2007
:
its been awhile.....................
20th May 2007
:
the knife just got shoved in a little farther.....................I might be bleeding internally this time