Discarded Guy's Journal
... unless I freakin' kill myself first, of course.
Forgive the morbid thoughts, for I am a newcomer to these parts. I'm looking for ... well hell, what AM I looking for? How about a place to vent? A place to reveal my innermost fears and insecurities? A place to discuss with myself the bleakness of life.
You see, I am one of The Discarded. Like a book that's outlived its useful life, I'm being tossed aside. My wife, with whom I've been married more than 25 years, has informed me that she can no longer stay with me.
There's no other man involved; no long-dicked Romeo who has secretly been banging her into submission. The sad truth I'm facing tonight is that she woke up and has found that she wants more from life than I have given her as her husband.
The "more" she wants is left undefined -- not only to you, dear reader, but to me as well. All I know is that she wants out of our marriage.
She's slept the last two nights on our couch; our kids have to be worried -- again. This is not the first time we've had a row. I have been trying to slay this same demon -- the "I don't want to stay with you anymore" demon -- for just under two years.
I know that I am far from perfect; but I want desperately to keep our family together. I have done what she has asked me to do; but each met objective only leads to another list of new objectives. I hear "if you'll only (fill in the blank) I think we'll be OK." The damn "blank" keeps changing.
I'm still researching divorce laws in my state to try to figure out what my rights are. Can she force me to leave our house if I have not threatened her or commited an act of violence? At other times she's wanted to leave this house ... the "if only" at that time was "if only we could sell this house we'll be fine." I wasn't willing to do that.
One of the issues she has is that she feels I don't value what she says, and that I disregard what she tells me. I'm sure if I dug deep enough, my desire to stay in our paid-for home is one of the many wounds I've handed her.
I'm seeing a therapist tomorrow morning; how do you cope with so many questions that can't be answered? How do you stay calm while you watch your marriage disintegrate -- especially when it isn't your choice that it disintegrate?
How can I cling to any self-esteem in the wake of knowing that my wife has rejected me for being an asshole? Why does it feel like my life is over? Why do I feel myself dying a little more rapidly each minute?
Please God, how the hell can I survive this?
God, are you listening??