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Melanie

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(Burst my bubble)

srrrry! [30 Aug 2003|07:52pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | lumideeeee all the way! ]

its really been awhile hasnt it? i completly forgot i even had this :( sorry :(

i start school tuesday. itll be senior year so thats a plus but ugh its still school so ya know lol. everybody else seems to have started last week n stuff we are like the only district that still hasnt started.

got a couple of jobs. my mom is decentely well off but college is still pretty damn xpensive. plus i need money for little things like food and entertainment and toothpaste and hair pomade and just little shit like that. so now on saturdays and sundays i work as a cashier/server (they serve behind the counter so yeah) at starbucks from noon to 8 pm. ANNND :) since i get out early at school this year i work on mondays, wednesdays, and thursdays after school from 2 in the afternoon to 8 pm at blockbuster. yall better come visit me!! lol.

my school schedule for this year goes as follows:
{first period} intro to calculus
{second period} photography
{third period} computer graphical design (basically making shit on photoshop and doing little computer art things)
{fourth period} ap geography
{fifth period} gym

there are actually eight periods at my school but since i technically only need 2 credits to graduate (after this year i will have 4 more than i need, how cool!) i'm only taking a few classes that i NEED. so then ill have enuf time to go home and eat and chill for a lil bit then go to work on the days that i do :) math comes so easy to me so everything but my damn history/geography class will be "blow-off".

i actualy am looking forward to this. wish me luck!!!!!!!!

(Burst my bubble)

hey all :) [26 Jul 2003|12:11am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]
[ music | addicted by simple plan ]

yesterday, thursday, i went on a shopping spree. it was GREAT!! lol my dad in clearwater, every three months, sends me $5,000. he pays my mom a rediculosly tiny amount of child support even though he's very well off. so for whatever god awful reason, every three months, i get five grand from him. a check, sent personally to me, a check in MY name for five grand. he has been doing that ever since i started high school and said he will continue to do it until i graduate college. (Or high school, if i choose not 2 go to college). which is really really cool cuz besides babysitting i basically dont need a part time job like most of my friends.

but yeah my check came today and i deposited two grand in my bank account and gave my mom a grand. i feel bad for her, my dad treats her like such shit and pays her the CRAPPIEST child support. she doesnt have the best job, so i usually give her some of the money even tho she tries not 2 get me to give some to her...even tho i know she needs it, which just goes to show what a great person she is. so with my other grand, i went on a shopping spree. went to armani exchange, express, bebe, pac sun, adrienne vitadini, all those great stores and bought everything my heart desired. i stayed in last night, watched some tv, did my tae-bo workout video.

today has been so uneventful as well!! anna and i went out for the morning and afternoon. i woke up at 10 and we went to this festival a couple of towns over. we went on the rides and flirted A LOT and ate cotton candy and then drove back to my house. took benny for a walk, then went swimming. we only swam for like an hour, then i drove her home. GOD I AM SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH HER!!!! I know she feels it too somewhere deep down. i know it. theres no way something this strong cant be felt at all by her. after dropping her off, mom came home from work. i took a really long ass bubble bath and then used my vibrator cuz i was so sexually frusterated. then i fell asleep for like five hours and i just woke up which brings me to here. now i'm wide awake :( and sitting online, eating some of that chocolate cake :) , and watching tv. all at once, i'm multi-talented :)I'm really contemplating going out for a pitch black moonlit swim...Sounds romantic, right? I would invite justin xcept he has a girl and i would invite anna...but my moms home and sound asleep so i wouldnt wanna wake her and i could never seduce anna or even attempt w/ my moms room overlooking the backyard. ugh. that means id have to wear a bathing suit 2 then in case my mom wakes up and sees me out there. ugh ok never mind tv and computer sounds good for now :D au revoir!!!

(Burst my bubble)

i have the worst migrain ever!! :( [23 Jul 2003|11:37pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | supergirl by krystal ]

yes i do..ive had it for like an hour now :( i took a couple of advil but its still real painful. neway yah yesterday i just messed around online for the remainder of the night then went to bed around midnight. so not real late. today i woke up at 9 on myown!! it was surprising, im NEVER up that earlyon my own! so i went 4 a jog around the neighborhood, came back, and treated myself to frozen yogurt and a smoothie for breakfast. YUM! :)

i got home and finally touched bases with travis. well cuz he had been skateboarding around and lives in the neighborhood so he was just waiting on the front porch. at first i was a lil nervous i didnt know if he would mention anything about last week or even EXPECT it to go on, but he didnt say shit and didnt act like anything had gone on even. strangely i was relieved. so trav and i went swimming in the backyard then we took my dog, a golden lab retriever, benny for a walk. trav walked him most of the way and let benny pull him on his skateboard. then we went swimming again and even tho im not supposed to, i let benny in the pool. my mom wouldve killed me had she found out. but yea, travis had to leave at like 4 and then i was madly cleaning the pool n making sure no dog hair was in it or the drain or anything so now the pool is nice and clean and fresh :D it was funny, i forgot how fast dogs dry off especially when theyre running around outside (in the backyard) and shit so i brought benny to the bathroom like i was gonna blow dry his fur but he was mainly already dry. so yay :D

then mom gothome from work at 5 like usual. she brought home food from this place called sweet tomatoes near where she works. the food she brought home for dinner was really good!! i kind of sort of want to re-do my bedroom. i was watching charlie's angels (the first one obviousley) in my room after dinner and i was thinking about it. i havent done over my room in forever!! neway then mom went out on another date with sean (shes spending the night tonight at his house...god my MOM is getting laid :( :( :( ew ew ew ) and she went out with him around nine, like right as soon as my movie finished. so i was bored n of course when i tried to call killian she couldnt talk cuz she n howie were out somewhere far away, blah, blah, whatever. i cant even REMEMBER the last time i even spent more than a minute with her without howie around.

neway i was talking online to this guy i vaguly know from school, justin, ive known him since i moved here and weve always been friends just never very close? n he was being SO sweet like i was complaining about being bored and not having killian as a very close friend nemore and he was just being really...NICE..which im not used to from guys, just that real genuine sweetness. :) but yes justin DOES have a girlfriend :( hes been seein this girl from the next town over, hannah, 4 the past few months. apparently every1 im friends with and every1 i know knows her and has hung out with her at least once except me! i still have yet 2 know if this girl even truly exists lol. but justin wanted to come over cuz he was bored 2 n keep me company so i let him. we looked thro a bunch of old magazines and baked this cake..the mix has been sitting in the cubboard for weeks my mom will be so glad i finally made it lol. and he was so sweet, he wouldnt even let me give him some to take home!! he just left like 5 mins ago...we were channel surfing and eating some of our chocolate cake :D now the house feels so big and lonely without someone with me here in it :( oh well im just updating this then i think imma go to bed cuz yah ive had a giant migrane...justin made me take advil b4 he left lol and just thinking bout that cake is making me sick :( so good night!!!

(Burst my bubble)

updatez [22 Jul 2003|10:15pm]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | beautiful by christina aguilera ]

ok so i havent updated since saturday night, right? well yah we went to see freaky friday as planned. the theatre was having a sneak preview of it or something. it wasnt anything big, mom and i met up with killian, howie, and kil's mom at the theatre, got slushies, and watched it. it was kinda cute and funny but its like you see one version, you see em all. but it was a nice night out. after that, we went our separate wayz and got home at like 10:30. i fell asleep right after we got home. i paged travis cuz i was bored and was waiting for him to call my cell phone back but then i remembered that i left it in my mom's car and i was like "oh in 15 mins ill go get it, it takes him forever to answer pages neway" and low and behold, 15 mins later i was dead to the world!!

SUNDAY~~ the evil french relatives left the chicago area today. they were moving on in their vacation and i think going to disney world or something. i dont know, those ppl have so much money, its sick! mom of course wanted to go to their hotel and have a proper farewell so i had to get up at 8 in the morning. we drove downtown to their hotel, they were staying at the fucking ritz carlton!!! i was like in awe the entire time in that hotel lol. so mom, yvette, paul, and claudine went down to the hotel restaurant for breakfast while i stayed in the room and watched tv and ate room service fruit and yogurt and juice with jacqueline and vivienne. they were being surprisingly nice to me like jacqueline showed me a way to curl my hair without it getting all out of control looking (i alwayz swear by straightening my hair) and it actually looked real good. and vivienne and i gave each other manicures. they helped me with some french language stuff that i was confused about. i was brought up and raised speaking both french AND english but seeing as i was born and raised in america it was much easier learning english lol. all i had was my mom for the french stuff :) i ALMOST forgave jacqueline for the whole wine incident :(

after that, my mom and i did some downtown shopping. i got some new clothes at bebe and victoria's secret. we looked around at wet seal but i didnt see anything i really liked. went home around 5, layed out by the pool, and made fruit salad for dinner and ate that while floating around on the pool :D That was the life. mom went out with sean and came back around midnight. they went out to dinner and im guessing back to sean's place? i dont know, i was messing around online when she got in and she just went str8 to bed.

MONDAY~~ anna called and woke me up at like 11 (i was online almost all last night lol and didnt go to bed till almost 4) and wanted 2 hang out. of course i was all like hell yeah. so i picked her up about noon and we went to the bookstore, looked around, bought some books and stuff. then we went back to her place, shes an only child living with her mom and her mom works long ass hours so no one was home. we were bored and had no idea what to do and i jokingly mentioned that i had some extra pot. anna was all for the idea of getting high which surprised me cuz she only drinks, shes been tryin to get me to stop the drugs (even tho i just do them recreationally and shyt) for months. so we lit up and smoked all of my weed. and get this: SHE TRIED TO KISS ME! SHE TRIED TO MOTHERFUCKING KISS ME! this was my absolute dream, what i alwayz wanted, right?? So what the fuck did i do?? i jumped back on the couch and like jerked away!!!! I have no idea why, I mean I was really stoned so that prolly affected my judgement but this was something i had been hoping and wishing and prayed for for the longest time and i fucking blew it!! I will probably NEVER get another chance like that as long as i live!! GOD!! neway about an hour later we both passed out asleep and woke up again on her couch two hours later, around 5. she didnt say anything or even act weird so neither did i. but i was and still am so pissed at myself. its unbelievable. we went back to my house 4 dinner, we made food 4 my mom cuz she gets off work usually @ 5 and so when she came home she had a meal waiting 4 her. so the 3 of us ate out by the pool and then i dropped anna off. came back home, travis had called. didnt call him back even tho i should have. i was so irritated and so unhappy the rest of the day. wtf was my problem??? the afternoon like sent from god (i will never be able to convince anna 2 get stoned again or at least stoned enuf to be uninhibited enuf 2 try 2 kiss me) and i fucking blow it. i was so pissed that i just stayed in my room. watched but im a cheerleader. great movie. fell asleep at like 10:30 cuz im a loser. who didnt go 4 it with the love of her life, anna :(

TUESAY (TODAY!!)~~ for some1 who went to bed so early the night before, i sure slept in late! i slept till 3 in the afternoon!! I guess i mustve been really tired :( i showered cuz i felt dirty and moped around watching daytime talk shows and felt pissed cuz a) the whole anna thing and b) the justin/christina aguilera concert is tonight and guess who isnt going?? Oh yeah, ME!!! grrrr! i baby-sat the norris' kids from 7 till 10:30..i just got home and changed in 2 my pjs and now i'm sitting here!! like a loser!! again!! :D NOT. I swear i once had friends. :( the norris kids and i didnt even do anything. kevin was spending today, tonight, and tomorrow in wisconsin dells with a friend and his family, and vanessa had the flu so she laid in bed and slept on and off and when she wasnt sleeping she was just watching tv. rochelle was the onlyone i had to really entertain. she had a friend over cuz i felt bad 4 her, and they made up a "dance" and put it on for me. so cute. then they played in the sprinkler but it was gettin cold out so i made them come in and we all made brownies. then the friend's mom came to pick her up and she took down my name n # so she could call me to babysit the friend who is an only child..the friends name is renee and she is 4 too. so i was excitedlike yay new contacts lol. im so wide awake, ive been drinking nothing but soda all day which is SO bad for me but oh well. neway im going to fuck around some more online and channel surf on tv so bye bye.

(Burst my bubble)

yah [19 Jul 2003|07:55pm]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | none right now :) ]

ahhh relaxation feels great!! ive been doing NOTHING since my last update and i couldnt be happier. yesterday i sunbathed nude and skinnydipped in the pool in my backyard and actually didnt talk to any of my friends. but it was cool. it was a "melanie" day lol. my mom and i went out to eat at the olive garden, i love italian food! after that she was supposed 2 go out with her boyfriend of the week, this stockbroker named sean but decided to cancel and stay in with me tonight. i hope it wasnt "mom pity" that her 17 y/o daughter was stayin in on a friday night and rather it was she wanted to have a "girl" evening, sumthing we havent done in forever. we watched lilo & stitch and then watched g.i. jane. mom made popcorn and dumped a bag of m&ms in it right when it was hot and fresh popped so there was like chocolate melted in the popcorn...it sounds kind of gross but try it!! omg heaven!!

neway then today i baby-sat the norris' kids again from ten to seven. like all day!! it wasnt that bad, it couldve been a lot worse, i set up the sprinkler in the yard for them and then we "had a picnic" well really just packed up some food and took it to the playground and i let them go wild. but they had fun :) then vanessa went to sleep over at a friends' house and i put on some videos for rochelle and kevin. the reason WHY im babysitting them today, saturday, is so funy too. i guess it was the norris parents' anniversary and so they were going sky diving! i guess it was like a long drive away in wisconsin or something. but how kick ass?? i hope on my anniversary w/e poor sap i marry thinks of kick-ass stuff like that to do! but yea i got home at like 7:15 and mom was home, she had a plate sitting in the microwave for me. ate that, did my tae-bo video AND my army exercise video :P and now im just writing a quick entry b4 going to shower!! after that im going to see freaky friday with my mom, killian, howie, and killian's mom. my mom and killian's mom are kind of friends and they planned this whole big night. at first kil and i were like "uhhh...hell no" but now were warming up 2 the idea and like haha fun. and of course howie is coming too. when does he not tag along?? oh well i shouldnt say that, hes a good guy and he makes kil so happy, happyer than ive ever seen her. well ttyl!!!

(Burst my bubble)

uhhhh! [17 Jul 2003|10:07pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]
[ music | how many licks by lil kim :) ]

ok so i just have to vent! sure enough, i took a shower and came downstairs to greet my family. not to mention that ever since my mom got divorced her older sisters have treated her like some poor little wench but they also feel the need to point out every imperfection in ME and say how their kids are so much better. my mom went all out, she made duck l'orange, baked potatos, garlic bread, and even had real french wine and mousse for dessert. so i ate and was making my polite conversation when my auntie claudine (shes the oldest, shes 55?) and her husband paul literally WATCH as there little shit 4 brains daughter spills her wine all over moms white carpet. do we get an apology? an offer to help clean it up even? nope, the assholes sit and LAUGH as mom scrubs anxiosly at the stain which by the way is still there. claudine and paul have two little monsters, jacqueline the bitch that thought spilling wine on the carpet was so fucking funny, whos 21 and vivienne whos 15 and a jacqueline in training. they have this thing like they think there so much better than everybody. god if they thought it was such a joke to be out here and such a joke to visit there family then why the hell did they come anyways?? so then my other aunt yvette (shes the other one that live(d)s in france shes 50 tho..mom is 45 and her lil brother who also lives in the states but in vermont and we never hear from him is 38)...oh yea so then my other aunt yvette makes some stupid joke in rapidfire french...i understand french hell ive been speaking it and taught it since i was learning english but she spoke so fast i couldnt tell what exactly she said but my mom obviously caught it cuz her face turned pale as a ghost and she looked like she was about 2 cry. yvette is divorced from my ex uncle lars, this swedish dude. they had 1 kid who lives in london, henri, whos 27 but we never see/hear/talk 2 him so w/e. i dont think even his own parents talk 2 him much.

so it was the dinner from hell and when i finished i excused myself to go call anna or travis and try n make planz tonight but of course i had 2 entertain vivienne. so we drove to baskin robbins to get ice cream and she refused to speak the whole time. just crossed her arms and looked bored whenever i tried to make friendly conversation. it was so awkward and so horrible. so when we got back (quickest ice cream ever let me tell u) i just stomped up to my room, locked the door, and called anna. she was home but couldnt go out cuz she had to go 2 work in like an hour (she workz at target; they needed help w/ clean-up after closing) but we talked and stuff. okay she made yet another 3 count em, 3 jokes about becoming gay cuz shes so sick of guys! i was impressed n pleased :) anyway, ugh ive been hiding out in my room and i just finished watching empire records. good movie!! oh man now im being summoned downstairs 2 say good-bye to the "french rat pack" cuz there leaving 4 the night. couldnt be soon enuf for me. i think im just gonna go 2 bed after i say my good-byes.hell i was partying all day mostly yesterday and all night. i need my sleep!!! :)

(Burst my bubble)

eh [17 Jul 2003|04:33pm]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | ladies by sarai ]

wow i have been SOOOOO busy! yesterday all day i went downstate to u of i with killian and howie to visit howie's older brother, jake. hes 22 and not all that good looking but DAMN some of his friends were! so killian and howie came over without any warning at 7 in the damn morning yesterday asking if i wanted to go with. i can never turn down an adventure / road trip so i was like hell yes. i think i need to stop spending all of my time with anna. im beginning to think its not even worth it, chances are she will never know how i feel and chances are if she did she wouldnt return them. so yea, we drove to u of i and visited jake at his frat house, met all his friends and stuff in the fraternity. there was a party going on that night at some other frat house so we went to that. we were already sort of drunk upon arrival bc we had been playing a drinking game for like a half-hour b4 we left. it was me, killian, jake, (howie was the "sober" one), and jake's 4 friends pete, greg, anthony, and zack. i had only had 2 shots, but it was wild turkey so i was feeling it.

so we went to this party and it was SO crowded. like i seriously thought every single person at u of i must have been there. i mean yea we have parties where we live but nothing like that! you could barely even move! killian and i were walking around with howie, anthony, and zakk and zakk breaks out the acid. he had like five tabs. ive never done acid before and if i ever were to try it, i wouldnt want to be at some huge, crowded, unfamiliar party. so i declined but killian and zakk decided to trip. which is fucked up insane cuz i remember when killian was total str8-edge and didnt touch any drugs and rarely drank. me and anna had to coax her to take shots and that was just when we'd be bored at home, just the 3 of us!!! howie was kind of pissed at killian for tripping too but he didnt say nething. only after killian laid the acid on her tongue did zakk mention that a trip will usually last about 8 hours. 8 FUCKING HOURS!!! and we were supposed to be driving killian home...the drive to where we are from u of i is only 4 HOURS. so killian's tripping mad style, like ppl are melting in front of her and shes trying to find a waterfall or some shit, howie is on his last nerve, jake is nowhere to be found, zakk leaves us as soon as his trip starts and leaves almost right away with some drunk girl, anthony sees his ex-gf all over some other guy and gets really upset so he leaves the entire party, the 2 other guys we were playin drinking games with decided not to come 2 the party, and im slightly drunk well drunk enuf that im unable to think clearly & everything is kinda funny. so needless 2 say, we found an empty bedroom in the frat house that was hosting the party and crashed there.

this morning we didnt wake up till 1 in the afternoon!!! howie was all panicked and shook me awake and killian was so drained after tripping that all she wanted 2 do was lay around and sleep. so we hightailed it back here and i called my mom...i told her that i was sleeping at killian's house and spendin yesterday with her family...she was really pissed (today was her day off) and was like "Why do i think ur not at killian's?" and all this shit. so i made up this lie on the spot that like i didnt know that when killian invited me it was that her whole family was spending a night at some fancy hotel about an hour away. luckily my mom believed me. im an excellent actress. so i got home just about a minute ago and my mom is making dinner...she only just now informs me that my aunts visiting from paris are coming over today w/ their families for dinner and shit. come on, ive been up all night, im a little hungover, the last thing i want to do is entertain the french side of my entire family. but oh well. shit the doorbell is ringing, that must be them i gotta hop into the shower and at least look A LITTLE presentable for dinner so cya.

ps. all those wo ndering about travis? i actually havent talked to him since "that night". well then again my cell phone has been out of range most of the time since then since ive been 4 hours downstate at u of i. hmm only time will tell i guess!!

(Burst my bubble)

i LiKe tHe WaY yOu Do ThAt RiGhT tHuRrRr... [16 Jul 2003|12:44am]
[ mood | crazy ]
[ music | im watching jackass on mtv ]

okay so i just got home about five minutes ago. turns out travis and i decided to go out cuz whatever we decided to do would be better than sitting being bored at my house. so we went driving around in trav's suv...we couldnt think of nething to do and we were having such a great time just blasting all kinds of music and singing it so loud we thought our lungs would xplode! lol.

we finally wound up driving downtown to the city of chicago. we were trying to find trav's brother's condo (he has one right on the lake) but he didnt remember which one it was and he dont got a cell phone. mine had absolutly no batteries left in it. so we drove up and down lake shore drive like literally from 1 end 2 the other but it was fun. we stopped at that rolling stone music store and i bought christina aguilera's old cd, not the stripped one cuz i already own that, but the one with like genie in a bottle and what a girl wants and shit like that on it. so im excited lol.

we drove back to travis's house and his yuppie parents were at some benefit gathering for his dad's work. i sware that boy has the perfect family -- rich, upper-class, yuppie mom & dad; 21 y/o older brother that's studying 2 be a doctor and lives the good life in some expensive lil condo down by the lake, and a 13 y/o little sister who is like the world's greatest gift to dancing...she'll be huge someday. she's been dancing since she was 3 and has taken up choreography just this summer as well. and travis, hes so fuckin artistically smart, like he does a lot of digital photography and already has his own small web site design biznezz going. a whole fucking family of prodigys. but yea, his lil sister was spendin the night at a friend's or something so we had the house 2 ourselves. travis just so happened to have an 8th of weed and some rolling paperz so we lit up and got high. it was good stuff, it lasted a long time..i mean yea, we did smoke a lot but our high lasted a good hour.

but yea, we got high and since we were each other's only company, we started fooling around. this is something id normally never do -- a) travis is one of my best friends, b) him and i already went out and we're lucky that we managed 2 stay friendz through that 3) hes had the hots 4 me since we broke up n i dont wanna lead him on or give him false hopez. but yea, he started giving me a massage cuz we were watching tv in his room all high and shit. it felt good so i leaned back into him and started massaging his upper thighs...i could feel that he was hard and shit so i was gonna stop but then he started nibbling and kissing my neck and he damn well KNOWS how much i fucking like that. so we didnt actually have sex but i did give him a blow job..we used a blueberry flavored condom, it was kinda cool :P and then he went down on me and holy fuckin shit does that boy know how to use his tongue. neway after i came the second time, i felt really weird bc the high was wearing off n trav started tryin 2 cuddle and i didnt want him to like ask me out or some shit...so i had him drive me home...n im here.

I FEEL SO FUCKING SKANKY. I FEEL LIKE THE WORST PERSON ALIVE. i so wish i could turn back time and NOT have done that...its gonna be wierd, i so know that. OMG anna just called so we're talkin on the phone now. i love her :P shes the only 1 i wanna do that shit with :P but yea im giving my full attention to her so byyye!

(Burst my bubble)

blah? [15 Jul 2003|06:50pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | roll out by ludacris ]

i havent done a lot yet today and as u can see, im pretty bored so im updating this. i woke up at 11 with the worst stomach pains ever. i went 2 the bathroom and threw up twice. i swear i have morning sickness but since i had my period 2 weeks ago and havent had sex since that, that i guess leaves it impossible. in fact...now that i think about it...i havent had sex in forever :( ive been with 2 girls and 2 boyz.

the last time i did do it was at this foam party (about 3 months ago) that was going on at zero gravity, a teenage club like forty mins. away. i went with anna, travis, killian, howie, and these two other ppl im sorta friends with but they are more friends of howie's michael carlos and michael swietzka. i hit it off with this girl gina and we started talking. i left the club early with her, michael c., michael s., and travis. we took two cars, howie drove one and travis drove the other, so we didnt feel bad about leaving killian, howie, and anna there. they were cool w/ it. neway, travis was driving around looking for a food place and he drives a big suv. so gina and i start fooling around in the back and when the 3 boys found a taco bell, they got out but yea gina and i were only hungry for one thing :) so thankfully the guyz knew what we were up to and respectfully stayed goofing off inside taco bell while her and i fucked. i felt so trashy bc it was basically a one night stand and not to mention it was in the back of travis's suv lol.

before that, i had been having sex with travis cuz we dated about 2 months in the fall and we continued to have sex for about a month after we broke up.

before THAT, the spring and beginning of summer of that last year, i went out with my first and so far only actual girlfriend. she was 21 @ the time, lived in her own pad 15 mins away. it was a hard thing 2 keep up since my mom doesnt know about my sexuality and even if she did, she'd rather keel over and die than let me go out with someone who was 21 and living on their own while i was a sophomore in hs at the time. just when i was starting 2 really love her and feel for her, i caught her cheating on me w/ some other girl. it was awful, she had given me a copy of the key to her apt. and i had just gotten my license so i borrowed my mom's car, drove over with anna, and walked in 2 her scrambling around naked in her bedroom w/ some ho. so needless 2 say, i broke up w/ her.

before THAT, i never had sex. well in the beginning of 7th grade, while i was still living in clearwater, i had this friend that i had had since about second grade. his name was tommy clipp and he and i, w/ our raging new hormones lol, started sometimes messing around. we slowly took it farther and farther until one day we actually did have sex. just that once and of course it hurt like hell, so i kept putting him off and putting him off and then finally, we moved.

so god all this talk of sex and especially of me not getting any in a long-ass time is killing me. i do own a vibrator but even i have standards :) , so i only use it in real desperite cases. like possibly now. but yea, the rest of my day first!! so yea, i went to the health club and worked out until about 3. came home, showered. mom called and said that str8 from work shes going to the hotel to visit w/ my aunts again while they're here from paris. and she's probably spending the night again. meaning shes probably going out n gettin wasted again lol. thats cool tho, i have the house all to myself and i relish it. so i ordered chinese and went skinny dipping in the backyard. i didnt hear the delivery guy pull up and since i was outside i didnt hear the doorbell so when i came back inside, there was a phone message from the place, pretty angry. lol so i drove (it took me FOREVER and tons of baby-sitting to save up 4 my crappy lil '02 dodge intrepid) and picked up the food at the restaurant. got a ton of nasty looks from the ppl working there. oh well, fuck them, see if i ever order from their crappy lil grease palace again. came home, pigged out on chinese, travis called. anna hasnt called yet, but i expect 2 talk 2 her later tonight, im sure shes going to call and rave or bitch all about this all-day date w/ dean. this brings me to now. travis is over and watching tv and tryin to figure out something 4 us 2 do tonight. im chillin here, making funny faces at him :) , and talking online. so i'll update later tonight if anything intersting happenz, if we actually do go out newhere. ttyl.

(Burst my bubble)

Survey! [15 Jul 2003|06:14pm]
[ mood | energetic ]
[ music | right thur by chingy ]

1. full name: melanie lisette carter

2. age: 17

3. birthdate: sept. 10, 1985

4. family: i live with my mom, juliette, in the suburbs of chicago. my dad, evan, lives in clearwater beach, fl. i grew up in clearwater until my parents split up and i moved here with my mom when i was 13 (summer b4 grade 8). oh yea, and im an only child.

5. sexuality: i really dont know..i know i definitly like girls so 4 now i say bisexual.

6. job: student lol. ill be a senior in hs this fall. i really dont have a part time job tho unless you count babysitting?

7. favorite music: i like everything but i guess whatevers on the radio. my favorite artists are ja rule, good charlotte, ashanti, christina aguilera, bif naked, sum-41, madonna, newfound glory, ludacris, no doubt, sublime, and ALL techno/trance/club music.

8. favorite movies: the sweetest thing, now and then, but im a cheerleader, just married, fast and the furious, a knight's tale, theres something about mary, dr. t and the women, charlie's angels 1 and 2, and almost famous.

9. favorite actors/actresses: cameron diaz (ok its no secret to anyone that knows me that i am so in love with her!! O..M..G!!! lol) , brittany murphy, kate hudson, drew barrymore, heath ledger, and paul walker.

10. favorite tv shows: really anything on mtv..i really like taildaters, beach house, trl, road rules, fm nation, and battle of the sexes..along with sex and the city, king of the hill, and queer as folk.

11. nicknames: i really dont have any lol. when i was a kid, my dad used to call me "mel" all the time, never melanie. oh! and its a long story but my friends used to and still sometimes do call me "lolita". i used to have the hugest thing 4 older ppl and in 9th grade had a crush on my male biology teacher.

12. current outfit: gray drawstring sweatpants with the word soccer written across the ass in red lol, umm barefoot, and a red tshirt of mine that sorta only goes down 2 my belly button (my one piercing lol) and says new york soccer on the front in white glitter letters. when i lived in fl, i used 2 be very into soccer and was on every lil girls' soccer league there was, i loved it. now im just on jv soccer at school.

13. current hair: well its long and layered...naturally blonde but ive been dying it a dark, chocolate-lookin brown. and right now its just down and sorta messy lol.

14. best friends: well duh anna leeds comes first and foremost lol. shes the most beautiful person 2 walk the planet. she is my best friend in the entire world and she got me this gold ring for my last birthday and engraved into it is the word FOREVER meaning like we'll be friends forever and she'll be here 4 me alwayz and stuff. my other really good friendz are travis babich, he and i have been through hell and back. hes my chill buddy and the one person i know i can turn 2 with anything and just let go with and be a total dork with, etc. then theres also killian scott and her boyfriend of almost a year now, howie weston. killian, anna, and i were like the 3 musketeers. ever since killian and howie have been dating its killian-and-howie, they are never apart. but more power 2 her. its all good, they throw some killer parties.

15. passions: anna, interior design and decoration, anna, dancing, anna, clubbing, anna, having fun, anna, writing. i guess thatd be all :)

(Burst my bubble)

anna [15 Jul 2003|02:11am]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | now it's turn off the lights (the remix) by nelly furtado! ]

i dont even know where to begin with anna leeds. we're best friends. have been for about 2 years now, although we've known each other since i moved here. shes beautiful. shes gorgeous. shes the most amazing girl i know. shes exactly 7 days older than me, she was born Sept. 3rd and i was born Sept. 10th. both in '85 :D

i have never kept anything from her in our years' worth of friendship. except one thing. i am completely, totally, hopelessly, foolishly, madly in love with her. she knows i'm bisexual. hell, every1 knows i am bisexual except my family. what i dont think is that she knows the extent to which i am. but i am so in love with her. she's the first thing i think of when i wake up. the last thing i think of when i go to bed. i daydream about her, i am so attracted to her in every way possible. i would honestly die for her. i would do anything for her happiness, even if it means have her be happy without me. she totally owns my heart and i could go on the best date in the entire world and it still wouldnt even begin to compare to just sitting on the street for 5 mins with anna.

i dont know how i came to feel this way for her. i had always been attracted, we had always slightly flirted. i secretly kept longing to take it farther, to be more than just best friends. however i am a total wimp and have no idea how she would react. one day i was sitting, as lame as this sounds, crying in my room because anna was seriously considering getting back together with this guy jeff...he was her "first love" and they were together for eight months last year. she kept talking about how she liked this person, but she wasn't sure. she had deep feelings as much as she hated to admit it for this person, but wasn't sure about theirs. so on and so forth. during the conversation i actually, pathetically, got my hopes up that maybe, just maybe she was talking about me and this was her way of telling me or hinting at it. when she finally admitted it was ex-boyfriend jeff (who treated her like shit, hit her once...the cause of their break-up, and played with her head like madd) i cried and cried in my room after we got off the phone.

well it turns out they never got back together. anna is since over jeff and single, sort of just dating around. this guy that she's going out with tomorrow (read my last entry) is her first "thing" after jeff (even tho they broke up about six months ago). she says she doesn't like dean "like that" and that he's conceited and arrogant and a player but likes the attention and having a companion. dean likes her a lot, that much is obvious, and they occasionally get to the point of hardcore making out. but they're not going out or anything however they *are* spending all of tomorrow together going on a trip to indiana beach/dunes. so i dont know. as much as it would break my heart if they went out and it would kill me to see her loving him and looking at him and kissing him, i ultimately want her to be happy and if i can't be the one to make her the happiest, if dean could make her happier and make her smile bigger and laugh longer, then i say go for it. all my love.

i am also very confused by her sexuality. she has never outright said one label (straight, bi, homo, etc) or another. she *used* to be really homophobic like commenting on the tiniest things nobody else even noticed. she's since slowly and slowly been talking more and more about dating girls and making out with girls and stuff. she jokes constantly, no joke, CONSTANTLY about being a lesbian and that she's sick of men. i understand a few jokes here and there are fine, but like every conversation, every five minutes. honestly. i'd broach the subject, but i don't want to freak her out. i'd ask her about her orientation outright, but it's taken her forever to get *this* comfortable being "almost-gay", i dont want her to run scared back into her shell. she's the most beautiful girl i know and i love her so much, i would be the best ever to her, i would never, ever hurt her, i would drop everything and anything if she needed anything at all, i would give my life for her...that's how intense it is and i have to bite my tongue from saying all this almost every time we talk. i have no idea whatsoever how she would react and im going with a 6/4 ratio on she'd-freak-and-not-want-to-even-be-friends-anymore/she'd-admit-she-wants-to-give-it-a-try ratio. i dont want our friendship to be over and if it wasnt but i told her, i wouldnt want there to be this crazy awkwardness, like a big elephant in the room with us whenever we would go 2 hang out.

it's like this horrible torture because i love her so much. i would be happy for the rest of my life if she was mine. but i doubt that'd ever happen so all i have are my daydreams. but it's also like this sweet, wonderful piece of my life that i cherish because i live for her. she's the only one i wake up breathing for. i love you, anna leeds. maybe 1 day i will actually get enuf courage to show you this.

(Burst my bubble)

lookie first entry !! [15 Jul 2003|01:47am]
[ mood | restless ]
[ music | torn by natalie imbruglia ]

hehe i feel so acomplished. kidding. sort of :P

today i didnt do a whole lot. i woke up at noon and sunbathed by the pool in the backyard. the one good thing about having that huge privacy fence and tall bushes is i can sunbathe nude! tanlines have always just been this big irritation with me. neways i did that for a couple hours then baby-sat the norris' kids from 3 to 8. they live across the street, just moved in this summer actually. the kids are adorable, there are twins kevin and vanessa who are 10...they will be in grade 5 this fall i think? and rochelle is 4. it was all right, i took them to see finding nemo at 4 and then made them dinner back at their house. the norris' estate is HUGE, everything is all modern and shit too. so while they were playing board games, i totally took to their plasma screen tv lol.

i drove home around 8:10 and mom's two older sisters and their families came from Paris here for a visit. they were already out of the house when my grandparents decided to move to america so it's weird, like half of her family lives in france the other half (her little brother and grandpa) live here. i think they just stopped for a couple of days on their way to seattle or some shit. so i think they were going to some bars downtown. she still isnt home lol i think she will probably just stay at the hotel tonight cuz she's probably getting super trashed lol. but yea, i ordered pizza and invited anna over. (Read the next entry for the whole background info on THAT lol). we watched just married and then sweet home alabama over pizza :) she couldnt sleep over because this lame guy she's having a thing with, i dont know what to call it, is picking her up early tomorrow and they're going to the indiana dunes/beach for the day or something. she claims she doesn't like him "that way" and there is nothing between them although they both admit he wants her badly...but she adamantly keeps saying over and over that she doesnt like him back and finds him annoying and self-centered. but that doesn't stop her from the occasional hand-job? blehhh, i dont know.

after anna left around midnight, i called travis...hes my boy, hes a year older so hes already graduated (i'll miss him at school so bad next year) and hes liked me since last year. we dated, briefly, for about two months in the fall but i broke up with him just bc i didnt feel the strength of my feelings matched his intense ones and i thought he deserved better. he still has quite the thing 4 me, or so i hear. neway, he stopped over and ate the last slice of pizza *angry* lol jk...then he tried to dunk me in the pool cuz we were being stupid and running around in the backyard. he lost his balance trying to dunk me and fell in himself lol in his rollerblades and everything. poor guy. so we ran around till we were totally expended of energy and then he left. now i'm just sitting online, talking to ppl, catching up on stuffs i guess. i really should be sleeping but im not at all tired...weird, no? be4 i get any farther in my journal, i should clear up the whole anna thing and do a basic survey so anyone reading this that isnt a friend of mine or doesnt talk to me on aim can get some backy info :)

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