| I have had time to think | ||||
| 12:03am 24/09/2003 | ||||
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| It is not supposed to be this way | ||||
| 08:42pm 21/08/2003 | ||||
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rejected| 11:35pm 01/07/2003 | ||||
I started to draw again. I stopped drawing when I got out of school because I never had any inspiration but when Shari asked me to draw three things for her and I did, I remembered the wonderful feeling I get when I draw, especially when I draw something for other people. Just seeing the enjoyment on other people's faces when they look at my artwork. I will try to get them posted on my site so everyone can see them. I drew a cross with flames, the sword that guarded Eden, and the design that the group Discple uses (see www.disciplerocks.com). They all turned out beautifully and I was so encouraged when I saw how much everyone liked it. To know that these people like my work so much when I am just a teenager when a pencil it amazes me. I know God is working through my work, both drawings and poems, and I totally understand how He feels. Everytime we admire a flower or photograph the scenery around us God smiles. He created me and everything around me and just like when people admire my work, he is given all the glory when we take the time to admire God's creations. He wants us to know that He did it and He did it all for us. Oh that we were able to see His face everytime we watch a sunset or attempt to capture His beauty on paper. I am in awe of all He does for me, in awe of Him. Good news, Stephie is coming in this weekend. She and I havent had the chance to talk or see each other this summer so we are going to spend some time together this weekend while we can, before the summer is over that is. I am very excited! Just like the good old days, well not just like it but atleasts we can go through the memories of the good old days. I am very happ, and excited! |
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artistic| I'm back | ||||
| 10:01am 09/06/2003 | ||||
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calm| USF bound | ||||
| 09:55am 29/05/2003 | ||||
Also, my week of vacation is fast approaching. As soon as I get my car fixed I will feel much better about it though. I pray it doesn't cost too much to fix it. From then on it will be smooth rolling and I won't have to go to work for an entire week! Go ME! Anyway, just wanted to share the wonderful news with... anyone who might stumble across my journal. ::MUA:: |
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jubilant| riddles, poems, metaphorium | ||||
| 07:37pm 26/05/2003 | ||||
the sun, the spring, nature, the sky, eternity. I dont understand it. life, love, change. What is He doing with us? Where is my place? When is my time to shine? Where is my light? hope. love, childrens laughter. What next, where does it all take us? Take my heart and break it. Humble me and make me strong. Bring me love. Let me feel it in my heart and soul. Dont let me cry for foolishness in my heart. Emotions are over powering, over taking my being. Happy, sad, irate, exhausted. Time to love, time to move on, time to rest. Oh what a wonderful day it is to not have to work! To be free of all commitments and to feel no anger, resentment, jealousy, or any form of unhappiness. Just peace and happiness. Too bad it only lasts for a time, no more freedom or unresponsibility. Life has continued without me, now that I am back in it, it still continues. People are so wonderful when they smile. I love it! To smile at someone and see their smile back makes me feel like love is still in this world and people are still nice to other people. All I want is a smile, sometimes a "Hello, how are you?" accompanies it though. I am great now that you made me feel so good. It is amazing what a smile can do for a person. Even if the smile does not suffice, hugs are wonderful healers. They are definitely created by God himself. Hugs can welcome someone, they can comfort a person, they can say see ya later, or I really missed you. SO much is expressed in hugs, atleast my hugs, that I cannot help but feel that much better when someone gives me a hug, for no aparent reason. Life has a lot of lemons in it. Daily I think a new lemon tree sprouts in my yard, with tons of the little sour fruits attached. Sugar is the key to keeping lemons sweet enough to deal with but not too sour to just provide that little reminder of what God has done for you through that circumstance. Forget the lemonaid or lemon merangue pies, I will just pass you the tub of sugar to sweeten your life and make your sour face a sweet one. I don't know why I am talking like this tonight but I know it makes sense for me. I totally understood all of the jumble i just said, odd. But hey, it is freedom of expression right? No one said it had to be understood completely, especially by others. |
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touched| so flustered | ||||
| 11:12pm 17/05/2003 | ||||
You were right, there are two wheels and ONLY two wheels. No other vehicles can be involved. Right turns and left turns are all controlled by what your other wheel is doing. You have not forgotten us but when you have the opportunity to involve other vehicles, you don't. I dont know if it is just because you miss your attachment or if you really just feel so terrible that you are always unable to stay around us at this time. Do you miss our chats? Do you really miss playing punch buggy on those days when we had nothing else to do? Can you go a whole day without seeing or talking or communicating with him somehow? Maybe I am jealous, maybe I just don't know what LOVE feels like. Everything with you two is just that, you two. You have to fit your friends into your life but you will drop anything to talk to or be with him. We like him. We like you. We would like to do things with you guys but not where you are a couple and we are a couple of friends tagging along. What happened to never forgetting our friendship. Oh thats right, if we get together for an afternoon every two or three weeks and then have a girly night every two months we will stay close forever. We used to go out every week and have fun. Now I do nothing at home and you go out every day, as a couple. We were supposed to go as friends to see that movie. He wanted to see it with you and so now I am left to see it on my own. Oh and you dont want to see it again, that would ruin the idea that you guys saw it together. Why couldn't you wait ONE DAY to see it with your friends, your friends who still love you even though you are totally disconnected from them? He can come too, why does it matter? We like him, just do things with other people. What happened to not dating? You are acting like you are dating. I see only one possible difference, you guys are planning on getting married. Night and day, together or talking for hours. How often do we really talk and spend time together? For the first time in about 2 months. You and he try to make up for it by saying you love me and asking me how I am doing but if I really told you, it would take too long and you would probably ask what you could do about it again. We didn't figure it out last time and you aren't going to like my answer this time...LET GO OF HIM FOR ONE DAY! Do one thing not involving him but involving other friends. You have also gotten much more secretive since you two starting courting. You used to tell me everything, even things you thought I would tease you about but now you can't even tell me why you are leaving or that you guys are out on a date. How can friends not tell each other things and just say "because" or "stuff"? Where were you? Out. Why are you leaving? Well, stuff. I will be asking you soon, "when is your wedding?" The answer, "later." What is wrong with this? What makes now so different? You have someone else you want to tell first? Do you always put your friends on the back burner now? What if I didn't have time to listen to you when you were having a bad day? Wouldn't it suck? IT DOES! "How are you" is so informal and insincere. Most of the time you dont want to really know how I am, or do you? It is so hard to tell because I don't know if you had a bad day and just want comforting answers like great or if you are seriously asking me what I am feeling. I know we need to talk about this but I feel uncomfortable talking about my problems. I am only open like that when I write. When I speak I get very introverted with my feelings. Is this how life is going to be? I am going to sacrifice my friendships with my friends when they fall in love? Love is wonderful but not loving your friends is horrible. Maybe I just don't understand love because I have never been in love with any one. Maybe I just put too much emphasis on friend activities? Maybe it is all me and there is no problem in reality? Is my blindness hindering my ability to see the love from my friends? Is my ego in the way? Am I just being jealous with no basis for it? Should I back out of the whole thing and just let it happen? Is all of this coming from the fact that you found someone so early on and I have found no one yet? You always say you are going to find someone for me. I dont think you will, you are too focused on the two of you to find someone for me. Plus, if God has him for me, He will surely show me who it is, He doesn't have to tell me through you. You know this, we told you from the beginning all the time that you two were meant for each other but you guys wouldnt believe it until you experienced it for yourselves. Love Him, love him, and I will be around to love whenever you get the chance, if you ever get the chance. Good night my friend, I miss you and hope you know your friends have been pushed out of your life. God and he are the only ones in your heart. Your friends have been cut off because of the strong love towards the two of them, you have no more heart left for the rest of us. This is how it feels. |
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irate| A long time gone | ||||
| 10:35pm 29/04/2003 | ||||
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| Realizations... | ||||
| 08:41pm 01/04/2003 | ||||
I really miss *Joan. Now that she no longer lives with her dad I dont talk to her. We were getting so close before school ended but all of a sudden she stopped calling me and doing stuff with me. I am still not quite sure why. I did find out though, through the grapevine, that she is pregnant and due this month. This really bothers me because she is so young. I really wish she would have continued to talk to me so we would still be as close. I really think God was tugging on her heart more than before. Maybe that is why she stopped talking to me? I want to call her but what would I say? I never called her while she was not at home and all of a sudden, when I find out she is pregnant and call her up like we have kept in touch the whole time? I would feel so fake because really and truly that is my motivation to talk to her again. Aside from her salvation, that is my only real reason I think. I am so sorry I didn't continue to keep contact with her. I know You would not have let her go on for almost a year without speaking to her, Lord. How can I possibly call and talk to her? I dont want her to think I pity her or an doing it because I feel obligated. Maybe I am going about this all the wrong way? I wonder who the father is? Does she even want to talk to me still? I am not sure she would want to talk to me for any significant amount of time. Maybe I should just call and see what her reaction is before I go guessing and assuming she won't want to speak to me any more? Lord help me to make the right decision in this situation, I am confused and lost in how I should handle it. I am very excited about the cruise I won. It is a cruise for two and I asked Danielle to come along because she is the one who had me fill it out in the first place and I think we are going to have a great time. I wish I could invite more people without them having to pay as much as it will cost anyway. I guess one guest is better than none. I am not sure I would go if I only had one ticket paid for. It is supposed to be to the Bahamas and I have never been there, I hope we have a good time. I just saw that the 19 year old woman who was a POW was just recently rescued. When I saw she was captured my heart went out to her. She is so young to be in a war and knowing how the Iraqi Government treats women I thought for sure she would be a lot worse off than it seems she is. I am so thankful that she was found and though she is injured I am thinking she is alright because she was found getting medical attention in a hospital there. I pray she remains safe and her health improves, whatever the injury. It is a relief knowing that our military doesn't leave the POWs and MIAs out there to fight for themselves. It is truly a blessing to be an American citizen and though we are not a perfect Godly country our rights far out weigh any rights the Iraqi women/people have. We live very priviledged lives in comparison. Life is so much better when we realize that God is in control and He will never leave our side. There is a song entitled "Can't Lose You" by Caedman's Call. Some of the lyrics say: "'Cause I'm losing everyone But i know i can't lose you And maybe my time will come But i know i can't lose you" It talks about how even when all of our friends leave us, God is the only one who won't. He won't leave us for anything and so often I can relate to this song. With good friends of mine moving for college, family members dying, or even just friends who have to move because their parents need a new job, I am well acqainted with the loss of people in my life and even through all the moving and leaving, God has always been there and will remain with me for eternity. He is the only one I can count on to stay by my side, RIGHT by my side. *names have been changed to protect the parties involved |
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| hmm... | ||||
| 10:59pm 31/03/2003 | ||||
I am quite happy though to be talking to one of my friends that is not doing too great. It is good to know how things are going in other people's lives. I had no idea things weren't going wonderfully. I also got to talk to one of my friends from high school tonight. This was very cool. We haven't talked in about two months. She seems just the same as usual, a little more aware though of how I am now. I have tried so hard not to focus on those ever present guys. At a University it is hard to avoid them and though I adore them, I really need to be focusing on God right now and what He wants me to do. Sometimes though, those guys just step right in and get in the way. I think it is just another way for Satan to tempt me but we will see how successful he is. I doubt he will get too far. In fact, I pray he is working to no avail. I answered someone on the question of if quantity matters for prayer on healing. I hope the response helped somewhat. I never am sure of myself when I write up responses like that. I always think that I am not answering the question right or I said something wrong and I dont want to lead someone away from the truth. I am very confident in myself (yeah right). I told him that quantity didn't matter because God's Will is going to happen anyway, I didn't put it quite so bluntly. I did also mention though that even the smallest voice praying is heard and answered, even if the answer is no. Having faith that the prayer will be answered is another thing i said is important. Anyway, maybe if I did mess up the Lord will stick someone in there to correct me so what I said clears up some misconceptions. It is in the Lord's hands now. What is the deal with dating? Some times people just don't know what they are getting into, either they don't know or they don't care. One way or another dating situations bother me. Why do you want to kiss and hug and whatever else someone else's future spouse? I totally don't understand it because I know I dont want anyone else to be all over my future husband. He is mine, though I am not married to him yet, the Lord has him picked out. Then those people that just base relationships on looks or money or the fact that "He is so nice." Well guess what, there are a ton of nice people in the world, that doesnt mean you should go out and date everyone of them. You have to feel something for someone, not just the thickness of their wallet. OY some times I just get soo bugged by that. Oh man, and the PDA's that go on everywhere. Come on, I don't want to see you all over some girl looking like you are trying to suck her face off. Gross! Ya know, I thought humans are supposed to be better than animals and have some sort of reasoning, but often times it is hard for me to believe that fact. I know God created all of us and we are to love His creations and I do, but I do not in any form, love the way they interact sometimes! I pray that the Lord just takes these situations into His hands because He knows that when I try to fix things it doesn't turn out the way it should. He is much better at being in control than I am, even though I still try to take all my burdens back again anyway. Boy, life can be so strange sometimes. I think it is definitely time to go to bed, it is late enough and I have ranted enough too. |
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indifferent| First entry... | |||
| 10:55pm 25/03/2003 | |||
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Well, this is my first entry in my online journal. I am used to regular journals so this is going to be very interesting. I am going to try it out for a while. A friend of mine has gotten really close with this guy. They are courting and have plans to get married in a few years. I really love the both of them and feel blessed that the Lord has put them in my life, but I kind of miss the way things used to be. We all used to go out together. We all interacted and had tons of fun together. Now it seems they just happen to go out at the same time and place we do but often times they have fun together and we are made to have fun without them. I am kind of sad that this is happening because though I know the Lord has brought them together, I also know that we all can still have fun and be friend together even if they love each other. Don't married couples go out and have fun with their friends? I dont know, maybe i am just jealous of their relationship or maybe I am just making it up. Maybe they feel like nothing has changed in our friendship. Sometimes thing look different when you are not involved in the situation. I haven't heard from Stephanie recently. I really miss her being down here. I am glad though that the Lord has helped she and her brother to adjust to life in such a small town. I am sure they are doing great and everytime I do talk to her, the only thing she talks about is life in Suwannee. I was thinking about going into something in the area of Social Work for college. I guess I really do have to go to school in the fall...grrrr. I will just have to keep praying about it so I can figure out how to go about getting back into the school scene. Lord Help me to enjoy it even though right now I don't think it sounds very appealing. |
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