the solace
the privacy offered by this place

i find myself retreating here
when there is nowhere else to go

nobody sees what i show here
nobody knows what comes out
do they?

a mistake
these days i am feeling
i made a huge mistake
rushed her
pushed too hard
and now i'm no better off
than i was 8 years ago.
right around this time then
that it all came crashing down.

miscommunications
differing expectations
i want this to be real
forever
lasting
and she can't say what will happen this afternoon.

i want to bring her far away
see things i've never seen
make that feeling in my heart come alive
with her hand in mine
beauty shared moments
and she says we'll see and it all unravels.

i want to immerse her in my life
be my closest
my one and only
my friend, my lover, my family
my everything
and she says not now, i'm not ready, it's too much.

i want her to be with me
when important things happen
when my family changes
when we celebrate
when we mourn
so i know i am not alone
and she says i don't know, i'm uncomfortable with that.

i want to see her smile
just from looking at my face
an uncontrolled gesture
a kiss
when the moment is right
no matter the place
no matter the time
no precursor to thought
action is the only awareness
i want for us to mean as much to her
as it does for me
and what does she say?

there will be ups and downs

and so clearly are the downs right now

so clearly so clear so very clear

and it's my fault

but not all of it

and i'm to blame

but not for everything

i can't stop a wandering mind

i can't heal a broken sense of trust

i can't prevent a hurt that this time could kill

let a decision come

i can't be the one to make it

i can't be the one to be honest

i can't say what i want to say

what needs to be said

at least yet

and the more space there is

the more drift plays inside

controlling lost parts of my head

that healed once but opened again

trust what

and believe in what

this is bigger than not just feeling it anymore

this is something else

overtaking and overwhelming

makes me want to back away

cause tension

create rifts

make her mad

push her away

games games games

don't slam the door in my face
don't hang up the phone on me

i can't forget

that i don't create reactions

i can only be the catalyst for them

and some will never change

i have nothing else to say

she is not

and thats probably good

because sometimes

im not sure i am either

and the truth

i dont have to convince myself of that

nothing is private anymore
and i dont want privacy

nothing feels right
right now

and nobody's going to fix it

it's not as easy as it should be

or as easy as i thought it would be

to be honest in the face of discontent

it really is one thing to say

and a whole other thing to do

and i live my life afraid of regret

and it makes me a passive

shallow lame

depressive

motherfucker.

same old
same old.

i'm supposed to consider my questioning

i'm supposed to be more sensitive

i'm supposed to care about each and every one

of the children who pass through the doors

the doors i took pictures of today

here's why:



and




is it wrong

to feel betrayed by them?

should i not think they ought to earn priveledges?

is their sense of something owed a made up concept in my imagination?

my time, my possessions, my emotional wellbeing

are not more important than theirs

but i do not destroy

steal

or waste

theirs.

Date:	2007-09-05 17:57
Subject:	sometimes - when i get mad
Security:	Public
Mood:	sore

my voice changes - obviously
my face does too - i knew this

most people don't outwardly acknowledge it

sometimes their demeanor changes

as if to accommodate me

but not relent their wishes

sometimes their attitude adjusts

as if to welcome my harshness

or adapting to my negativity

my coldness, which i thought melted away

my bitterness, which i thought turned sweet last year

others do acknowledge

with a comment

a passing thought

a mention of what it means to be upset

but nobody

nobody actually fixes it

and isn't that her job?

sometimes i think she might be stupid

then i remember that i'm the one being stupid.

it's not that my feelings are unjustified

but how do i handle honesty

without displaying need?

i just dont like to be told one thing

with some enthusiasm, especially

only to have it turned into something else

an excuse

so fine.

go ahead.

be single in the morning.

sometimes, just sometimes i feel single too.

so...
after loading up on my nightime remedies of tranquilizers, sleep aids, and ssri inhibitors

i find myself here
for the first time
in a long time

maybe i missed this place.

maybe i just want to see who's still here

maybe i miss my internet anonymity.

i'm still an internet stalker
still a broken depressive fucker
still worshipping the future hope that someday my life will be one big ball of happywondershine

i bought band aids made of duct tape today
hard core
and on sale

lately it seems the only thing that matters is the value of money
and even that doesn't matter very much anymore.

the lexapro makes nothing really bother me
until it does
but it doesn't last that long
at least not long enough to make me worry about it
for very long
and when it pops up again it doesnt seem as bad
and it didnt seem as bad before either

everything just happens
instead of it happening to me
i'm just observing the game

i ate lunch by myself today
i did a lot of that in april and may and june
and not a lot of that in july and august
and now that school has started again i think i'll be eating by myself again.

i'm still manipulative
and i'm still destructive
and i still push things as far as i can, almost to the very edge
to see how close i can get to breaking them

and i often do break them
still.

remember me?

i'm back here.

maybe it's kind of private.

maybe nobody knows about this place.

maybe it's safe to be here

and say what i think

without getting cut off

or think i'm going to lose something

i'm not sure i mind loosing right now

and right now always changes.

i'm letting go of right now

because always

always, it is right now.

Date:	2006-05-08 23:39
Subject:	no doubt
Security:	Public
Mood:	pessimistic

the one thing

the lb

surely

outweighs me on

is social planning and executing


he keeps busy

in ways

ive not

since i was engrossed in the shurks

and putting away a 6pack

every night



of course it does make me feel better knowing

if he attempted the same vigilance

and

unruly behavior

set forth by myself and countless others

before him,

it would end disastrously

such as

vomiting forthwhich from a

cab.

and i chuckle

with delight

at the irony

of being outweighed

only

by

social excursions






my best friend just moved to arizona
and my other best friend is all but married to his month-new girlfriend



im contemplating a move to la with a near-stranger
though i believe ive forcefully scared him into believing i would be a terrible roommate



im blowing off job opportunities for the fall
and totally not caring about school, work, or myself



and im wholeheartedly fucking
with this boy who i cant figure out
for the life of me
whether i just cant stand
or want to find my place
in the social calendar of



jeez
all this distraction
has made me exhausted


i hope i dont wake up at 3am with another sinus-related migraine.


shit.

it's all just shit.

though i have lost 10lbs since february.

probably like a month. i'll check in a few.
seemed like a relevant time to pop in

dealing with some tragedy.

that's tradgic sounding and its really not that bad

its awkward

its weird

im reliving a past hell that i once knew

and i cant decided if lonelyness is worse than the torment of not knowing if you're better off alone

and im so tired of overthinking

everything

in all of this

i have an incredibly kind and ridiculously sweet lb

and it seems like agenda item #1 is to push him away in such a twisted indirect manner

that he gets irritated being near me and walks

and then i ask him about walking

and he says he'll let me know

and i actually cry.

come here
go away

god, im so sorry to everyone i ever put through this

this is my damage

this is where i am fucked

i often think
how is it possible
that nobody can see
my misery

then i remember
nobody likes misery
quite like i do

/goth

its hard to stay positive
its hard to feel good

i want to run away
where its quiet
and emtpy
isolation
seclusion
utter aloneness

because being empty
isolated
secluded
and utterly alone
in the largest city in the country
makes me think
there's something wrong with me

and ive tried to determine what it is
and cant seem to find its nature

and the inherent wrongness
of being alone
would dissipate
if i really were

in the process of pac-king actually

mostly everything is ready

i havent pac-ked like this since burningman

actually this is way less stuff

considerably less stuff

jeez what a hassle that was.

trying to be spirited and positive

good attitudes lead to good health

a good outlook lengthens life

do i want more time here?

im not exactly sure

picked up some burroughs today

we'll see how it goes

so after the rodent fiasco

and being told i still smell

last night

but getting fucked anyway

i think

today

i honestly said goodbye

because it felt permanent to me

i have no need to continue anything with him

he's dangerous for me

and when im with him i fluctuate too much

between

wow, he's super unique and different

and god fucking damn what a depressive fool

between im in love

and i cant stand him at all

and opposing viewpoints

experienced within minutes

regarding the same person

when felt by a fairly consistent, mostly stable person

shouts of getridedness

and i cant wait to get on a plane tomorrow

get out of here for a while

new environment

warm weather

pinched nerve relax

arthritis soothe

welcome gracious rainstorm

tropical liquid sunshine

floating breezes

freshripe cocktail

oh my

oh my

i hate everything

ive been blogging over at myspace

for no good reason really


but i dont put anything too self-inflective over there

thats what here is for

and we're about to throw a solid dose of it right out there

and thats the we in my head

we're all a little angry these days

my shoulder hurts

i couldnt get b out here to fix it

k's party tonight is being called off due to weather

but she hasnt called to let me know

j said that i victimize myself

well maybe so but i dont know how not to

c says i need to start doing what i want

what makes me happy

but others happiness makes me happy

its ridiculous and i dont know how to change it

and he says i'll never have a non-fucked codependent pattern

unless it changes

at least it no longer smells like rodent death in my apt

that was fixed

j has my sunglasses and i need them back

i hate my job

i hate my life

i hate myself because i have nobody to validate any differently for me

and i cant do it myself anymore

i have all this sn

and noplace to go

its shitty outside

and i could go to a lesbo bar

with 2 lesbo couples

and be the weirdo single girl

feel like a crackhead

everything pretty much sucks

and attraction is everything

pickyness supreme is keeping me from finding anyone

shyness is keeping me from trying on my own

damn wherever all this came from, a severe number was done

fuck all those fuckers for fucking with me

my shoulder hurts and im tired of it all

lets go down there and fuck some of those cows

upper hands

incompatibility

who's ingenious idea was it

to get rid of arranged marriages?

so easy

the problem resolved

i am one again

something sad and lonely about that

guilt

nothing absurd

the hole returns

im falling in

i just dont know what it will take anymore

and i cant give up

and i know the only way to get through

is to give up

i really do feel bad for the little guy

its not deserved

nobody deserves this

thank god for mom

and america

where at least for the moment

there's still a choice

i am two

how could this have happened
how could this have happened
how could this have happened

staying positive in 06
already proving a
challenge

unlike any rivaled here

before.

drunk and teh high

it doesnt matter

very little does

and what does is circumstantial

words i love:

circumstantial, lithe,

the collection will grow as i see fit

and as i see it now, through foggy goggles, hazy eyes, unclean visual perception

i will shop, skate, drink, drink, drink, view, violate, ruin

tomorrow

ringing in the new year proper and all

i love to type fast when im drinking because it makes me feel sober

im home

no driving

taked to rhi, lyn, kar, today

today is just another day

which is today, but tomorrow because i should go to bed soon

the new book is ready to read

these times make me think of people gone

kevin berger

david henner

those people i spent time on

my time

their time

time

which slips past

cant be gotten back

disappears

ruins

runs

i want another drink

another bump

another everything

i could be an addict

too much self control in the right places

certainly was scared into it when i was a child

makes me wonder

what the people who werent

were doing

the day it all happened

i know an amazing variety of folks

and ive had awesome experiences

i want to stay positive in the new year

doubtful that it will happen

in fact, who knows, i could hit a bottom ive never felt before

but doesnt the intention count for something?

i live to bring people together

to make people happy

give them what they want

bring joy

peace

happiness

luck

i wish for hope

and health

luck, prosperity, whatever that means

joy, happiness, enthusiasm, vibrance, and life

for all my friends

all those who have cared about me

all those i care about

all those that exist in my world

here's one for ye

'i really couldn't say for sure, like everyone else i know, im just looking for the cure'

'life i embrace you, i shall honor and disgrace you, please forgive if i replace you, you see im going through some pain'

aight

in reality

which im feeling now, after a 20 minute break

i pulled out the 95 lawrencian (god knows why)

and im poking through it

sidebar: if i can end up half as happy/successful/satisfied/peaceful as mum and dad, i'll feel mostly accomplished

i remember certain times

briefs of high school

briefs of umass and the dorms...snowstorms and busrides back to central

stoned days and parties, israel, love, not love, boston

and now new york

i can't believe ive been here 1.5 yrs

mulled that w/jsd last night

went fast

life goes fast these days

i consistently wish for faster days, shorter nights

but really

stay

stay how you are

dont change

stay

slow down even

it all goes too fast

tis been a little while

the frequency decreased

the meaning, probably nothing

attribute to dizzyness, busyness, and general lazy behavior

of that of a person on vacation

and the vacation itself

has not been bad

not necessarily been grand

but what i can afford to maintain

and keep moving

daily

so as not to stop and find

some form of slump

saw j for the last 3 days before yesterday

mon, tue, wed, consecutively. he stayed.

had to send him off

though typically, at the last minute, i didnt want him to go

i think people really dont change

at terms with the fact that it will not and should not progress into something more

than what it is

which is cuddly, loving but not love, sex but not necessarily sexy, emotional but not emotional

backwards and desireless yet desiring and something

but not

and there's something dead in my wall

which proceeds to create a stench, disgusting and overpowering

ignorable but not company friendly

i return to work on tuesday

which is in 5 days

feels far away but i know it'll fly

new years promises to be a dead-end

nothing on the forefront of my interest

i probably won't do a thing

and i really dont care to

things are not bad

but they are not good either

and everybody has their days

and their nights

of vice, revelry, and circumstance

mine is surely on its way

sailing clear into the light

into sight

where i can harness and absorb its intensity

i dont know anything.

lets do this stream style

that way if i leave anything out

it wont be like it was intentional

lynda

like her, want to hang out with her more

the j connection is a problem cuz it always comes up

if that would go away it would be better

i think yesterday i decided that ive had enough of his shit

games shit shit games childish babyshit nonsense stupidity

tired of it and dont want to play anymore

let him grow up some

i think i saw in him what wasnt there

what an unusual happening

i saw something which wasnt there

i ought to just be blinded already

would make things so much easier

in regards to meeting someone

i think cwingkinkles told me yesterday that he should have chosen me over anya

sort of confirming my suspicions

interesting to hear

but of course this morning he was all bent and torn about shar again

so it doesnt matter

as nothing matters

as nothing ever matters

and its all a game

im trying not to play

i just want to step so far away from it

that they cant throw the ball to me

cause i keep missing it each time they throw it anyway

i dont wanna play

how do i get out?

where do i go to get away?

hymee is coming to culebra

and im obsessed with the tattoo man

and cant seem to get my work done anymore

having a minor breakdown with next semester

between having to take the thesis course on tuesday

and the thursday math is cancelled

can it just be over?

can i just be old already?

can i just be ready to lay down and die for the last time?

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll get my support

She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted

To my way of thinking
In fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath

Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I’m asleep
I want somebody

Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I’ll get away with it


cwingles makes me cry

good cry though

cuz i know somebody loves me