Dina's Blurty
 
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Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Dina's Blurty:

    Sunday, December 28th, 2003
    6:38 pm
    red is pretty
    wow um blurty is majorly retarded. o and i just cut again. good bye fuckers.
    1:23 pm
    ROAR
    blurty can suck my dick
    Friday, December 26th, 2003
    9:28 pm
    Dark Dreams
    Tonight officially sucked. Hannahs not here and i really fucking wish she was... i mean its not like me and her have a blast everynight or anything... i mean sometimes we go drinking and shit and before we would be smokin every nite... but like even when we dont do anything spectacular or fun filled i just like having her around.
    so today i went to the mall with sue because i had nothing to do and i needed to go to the mall.
    we met up with erin and emily and then sue's new BUSTED ass fat fucking boyfriend who has glasses and is a BLood. his name is Sal and he raps but everyone calls him..$wift. which is incredibly flaming and retarded.
    anyway hes pretty cool tho because he bought me cigaretes and food and was being really nice to me.
    sue dicks him around and is SUCH a bitch to him and its totally obvious she doesnt like him and he can tell and i felt kinda bad for the poor fat gangster thing.
    when we were there we kept getting all these black guy's numbers because erin wanted them and sue was putting them in her phone .. "for erin" but we all knew she wanted them for herself and her boyfriend could tell too so it was weird.
    some of them were okay looking... like this one guy "Spice" or something and this guy Ray. i thought out of like the 20 numbers they got they were actually the only cute ones.
    omg and sue was like in love with these 2 mexicans ( not exagerating, they werent puerto rican or anything like they even told us they were MEXICAN) there names were like Jordie and sometething else.
    and sue kept following them and asking them to chill and telling me how hot they were..
    omg it was disgusting.
    so then we came home... i got something really cool for hannah at the mall by the way. well i dont know if shell like it but i think its cool.
    oh and mike (hannahs bf) was suposed to meet me at the mall and he like ditched me.. i think.
    we went into town later and then took a taxi and met up with sues bf and this other kid ... me erin anna emily sue swift and some other kid were there.
    we were by Kean university... dont ask me why the only reason i was going was because i had nothing to do and i didnt wanna sit home and they said we were gonna go to a party with a lot of alcohol so i was up for that.
    anyway nothing ended up happening so this kid Matt ( Italian Stallion.. hannah u kno who im talking about LOL) drove sue to theere cuz there wasnt enuf room in the taxi so then he ended up driving me erin and anna home.
    sue and emily stayed with the guys .
    im kind of happy we didnt end up going to a party tho i dunno... it was gonna be all bloods and like sues bf was telling me how if a blood asks to have sex with u uhave to do it or else theyll fuck u up or something and i dont know i mean i just didnt wanna be there with a bunch of like drunk/high/drugged up off of everything bloods but i REALLY wanted to drink.
    anyway now im home ... and im fucking i dunno .. i wanna cut again.
    but i really dont feel like talking about that.
    or anything along those lines.
    i wanna go to california...hannah hurry up and get home.
    Goodbye to All and to all goodbye.
    ~dina~

    Current Mood: thirsty
    Current Music: nirvana
    Sunday, December 21st, 2003
    3:53 pm
    Road of Fuckers
    Life is one road. It has no turns... at least not ones that you can chose to take or not to take. You may occasionaly be shoved onto a turn or even off the road or maybe trampled and left in the middle of it... and then get up.. or maybe try to get up and then some fat fucker knocks you back down and you just stay there. It has obstacles that jump at you and u cant hide from them because they follow you all throughout the road until you do something about them and if you dont they just pile up and follow you until they bring you down so much you cant continue on the road and the only way to get rid of them at this point is to jump off the road. The road continues for everyone who is still on it... the road has no end...it just has an end for you but not for everyone.. when its your time to go you just get knocked off the road but the road is still there and continues moving with out you. It just has certain parts that r the end for ppl but not the end of the actual road.
    -END OF ROAD-

    Hannah had a lot more fun that me last night... she got wasted.. lucky bitch!
    Today i watched the Weed Song video that i have on my kazaa and i was seriously going crazy. i started spazzing out.
    I feel like my life right now has 2 choices WEED or DEATH...
    i am so fucking serious and thats the pathetic part of it all... i just cant take it anymore. there are certain times when i think that i can do without it ... but in reality i cant. i mean its so tempting and it was such a HUGE part of my life for so long. it was my special bundle of joy my little buddy... my savior.. my companion..my guide.. my company... my fuel... my love...
    it was everything to me. and now its not here anymore...
    and now im addicted to Cigarettes. although i very often crave the fresh blend of tobacco... it can never compare to how much i crave the distinct smell, taste, and feel of g.a.n.j.a.
    If i started weed again i could easily quit cigarettes. If that doesnt make sense to you ...blow me.

    I hate telling hannah i am gonna quit ... i used to tell her that but now i stopped because i know i cant quit cigarettes... at least not right now... im too weak and have no will power. i really want to quit someday soon tho.. i hate the thought of being a smoker for the rest of my life.. however long that will be.

    I want to BLAZE my fucking heart out.

    Hannah - i think your mom hates me now... :-/ i dont know why ..... uggh ... i really hope she doesnt but i really have a feeling she does... from everything from the smoking in her room to me and mike touching that hat to laughing when i was drinking the beer and burping and everything....
    uughh!!! this sucks dick

    <3 dina

    Current Mood: nostalgic
    Current Music: ~SuBliMe - Sm0kE 2 JoInTs~
    Saturday, December 20th, 2003
    8:15 pm
    Endless Streams
    Well, I just cut... Hannah, u told me to tell u when i do it and ur not home right now and i really wanted to call u but i had no way of getting in touch with u. I was gonna cut last night when everything happened with my mom and I was going crazy but then i refrained from it.
    This morning i was soo incredibly upset and just about ready to go to the train station and jump in front of a train or a moving truck or something.
    But i kept it all in and then i tried to get my mind off things while hanging out with ppl today.
    but when i got home it all started coming back to me
    well actually it started coming back to me on my walk home after oliver went to his house and i was walking i had a craving to just go on the train tracks.
    Well obviously i didnt do that since im writing this ...
    i came home and i couldnt take anything anymore. i wanted to die soo much. i am so happy hannah and i are saving up for a helium tank. it kind of reminds me of when we used to save up for weed like for the 8th. we were looking forward to it soo much, we were both full of anticipation... just like we are now about the helium tank, which i found out bella discovered...that is so brilliant.
    my leg really stings.
    when my mom wanted to get me "professional help" at first i was like whatever it doesnt fucking matter to me... but now i actually kind of want it... i dont know maybe it will help... but whats the point when i will probably die anyway?

    The stream is flowing with a glimmering light
    Without a purpose, yet a beautiful sight
    Where does it lead and why is here
    so many questions so little fear
    Did it come to give hope or just to remind of sorrow
    does it have any promises, a better tomorrow?
    Is it here for good or will it ever leave?
    Is it leading to happiness, or just to more sorrow
    Is it leading to another stream yet to follow?
    Is it saying good bye, is it going to be gone?
    Is it just waiting for another stream yet to come?
    It's full of lies and empty promises
    It cares for no one and awaits it's victims
    It's here to stay I know it won't leave
    It's an evil stream with much envy and grief
    It's full of hatred and blackened hearts
    It runs through the flesh as sharp as a million darts
    It has full control and feels no pain
    It leaves you with nothing, no will, no gain
    Its a quick resolution, a cover up, a lie
    The stream will always flow, never will it die

    Current Mood: calm
    7:46 pm
    To Hannah
    Hannah! please dont be upset about bella and i beginning to talk... it doesnt change anything between any of us... im sorry ... i dont know what to tel lu but it seems as if its really bothering u... because i read ur comments to bellas entries and ur own entrys.
    call me when ur home from ur brothers i really wanna talk to u.
    Friday, December 19th, 2003
    9:47 pm
    Shoot Me
    I dont even feel like talking about anything that happened today becuz im so upset right now to even think. i was having a shitty day as it was... i mean everything went fine basically...i hung out with friends... chilled with hannah like planned...and i shouldve had fun but i just didnt. i was so upset the entire time. it wasnt anyones fault or because of what anyone did ... or what we were doing, or that i was bored, or anything... i was just really...really upset.the walk home was kind of umm interesting ... me and sue chucked sticks at cars and one man chased us like a maniac...kinda scary but anyway. so that kind of got me out of my upset mood becuz i was so focused on what was happening and everything was going so fast with the guy like speeding after us and doing these like 360 turns so it kind of got my mind off things...sues really gay she was like running in circles and shit and being all stupid i was like run straight or into someones back yard u fucking polish moron...anyway...
    then she went to annies house or something so i just walked back to my house.
    althought i was upset i was expectinng at least not to get any shit at home, progress reports came today
    and i talked to my mom earlier and she didnt even mention it and was being all nice so i thought she wouldnt care.
    so i come home ... and she was being all nice.at first...so then i went into my room and i locked my door and i started putting on pjs. so she knocks on my door and starts saying stupid shit...just yelling at me.. not about progress reports but about like how i got home cuz she saw me walking and stuff cuz she was going to park the car in the driveway and i told her i was getting a ride from sue.
    so i was like mom hold on im changing and she kept like talking and i was already really upset so i flipped out and cursed her off and called her a dumb bitch...so she starts freaking out and screaming at me. then i opened the door and i was like what the fuck is wrong with u? so then she starts screaming at me even more... and THEN she brought up my progress reports which i basically have all C's... and starts yelling at me about that.
    ...and then she told me that she thinks i do drugs and all this stuff... which i never heard from her before.
    she always yelled at me but never accused me of doing drugs...how ironic..when im actually NOT doing drugs for an entire month and a half i havent..this is when she acuses me of it.
    so we got into a huge fight where we yelled at eachother for about 15 minutes .. then i went into my room .. sat on my bed in the dark for a while.
    and then i decided to write in my blurty...ugh im so upset right now i dont know what to do with myself.
    i really wish i were dead right now.. i wish i just fell asleep and never woke up. and i wish before that i left a death note...a long one... telling my mom and all the other ppl who ever made my life miserable (ESEPCIALLY my mom) about how its all her fault that im dead. then she can try living with herself or do whatever the fuck she wants...
    we got into several huge fights like this in the past couple of weeks and one of the last ones before tonight's...she told me i need professional help and then she called my doctor to ask for referals. i know this because she told me she was gonna do it but i wasnt sure if she really was but then my doctor called and i picked up and asked for my mom and she wasnt home so i took a message and it was about that so yea..
    my mom said there is something wrong with me and that i need help ... well has she ever stopped to think that she can be a little more sensitive towards me? seriously.. she doesnt know how to be a mom.
    i mean i know she works hard and buys me clothes food gives me money and all of that crap
    but once in a while i need a little more than that. i mean i dont want like a whole fucking in depth bonding with her or anything.. i just want a simple understanding.
    either she is really nice to me and gives me whatever i want..but when she is mad she just yells... she can never just talk to me.
    i wish i could just talk to her.. like today ...when she saw i was realy upset she could have asked me what was going on... in that case i wouldnt have yelled at her or cursed at her i wouldve just told her i have a lot of things going on and i just need her to cut me some slack and back off for a little bit.
    then this whole trauma wouldnt happen. but instead all she knows how to do is yell at me. like she thinks its gonna help? all it does is makes things worse. and then she goes and tries to get me "professional help" ... i mean ok fine let her i dont even care...but she makes it seem as if im a complete mental insane case... i know im not perfectly fine ... but if maybe she started doing her share to help me out it would really help the situation.
    i know it really truely would.
    now i locked the door of my room and im just sitting here.. i wanted to cry really bad to get everything out but i couldnt cry i dont know why.
    im so upset tho and i feel the tears in my eyes but they wont come out.
    i wonder if i died tonight what she would do...if she would even care. i always think about dieing and killing myself and sometimes i say well i wouldnt want my parents thinking it was all their fault because they do take care of me and i wouldnt want that to happen to them. but now i dont care.. i want HER to think its ALL HER fault... even if isnt all her fault...but A LOT of it. she says i do drugs? yeah well thanks mom... i actually dont at the moment but due to ur kind approaches im going to. im gonna smoke weed and do other drugs to and become really fucked up and then hopefully die.

    Current Mood: indescribable
    Current Music: nirvana
    5:21 pm
    At Hannahs
    Im at hannahs with mike right now....she gave us her keys while shes at her shrink...pretty nice of her :). i wish she were here tho ... we both miss her lol.
    Oh there is one small incident lol... well not really an incident but just a funny little encounter we had.
    Umm...Hannah dont be mad babe I love u and so does mike but ummm...
    u know how u said we could watch a movie? well we did that...It was all in russian.
    Do u know what i mean?
    Yes....we watched "Hannahs Birthday" tape...Please dont be mad at us... we just HAD to do it i mean it was just sitting there waiting for us.
    I mean mike went to the Video tape cabinet and started looking for a movie for us to watch and then he suggested Rat Race. But then he noticed a more intriguing one...titled Hannahs Birthday so he said whats this ?
    well one thing lead to another and next thing we know is were sitting there watching hannahs birthday with several russian sirs talking in russian lol.
    babe please dont be mad we didnt mean any harm we love u :-) mwa
    i cant wait for u to get back here so we can chiiiilll negro.
    alrite well thats about it.
    -dina<3
    PS- Bells i love u... i hope u and chris talked everything out! mwa!

    Current Mood: mischievous
    Current Music: Pennywise
    Thursday, December 18th, 2003
    8:41 pm
    in this diary...
    im really upset right now. i dont know if im over reacting.
    hannah when u read this dont take it the wrong way im not pissed or trying to fight...
    maybe im wrong, but as i see it things arent like they used to be between us.
    i dont know if its because we quit smoking pot or what... but they just arent. First of all we used to always talk
    now im lucky if she calls me for 10 minutes once a day.
    to prove my point its 9:45 ... i called her at like 8:15 or something and she said she would call me at 9. 10 bucks says i wont get a call from her at all and when i ask her in the morning shell say shes sorry and then just keep blowing me off.
    it really hurts me... i dont know why... i just need her as a friend... and i need her to be there.
    even if its not for somthing important i just need to feel like she cares, even the little things.
    ok she just called me now but it doesnt change the fact that i still think she is purposely trying to be distant from me.
    and hannah if im wrong about this please dont yell at me or anything...i might be wrong, im not saying this is 100% correct.
    Anyway...ok i DEF thing this is because we stopped smoking weed now. im not saying like it was why we were close but it was like our special little bond...:-/ and now its gone.
    i mean now we never get to spend hardly anytime alone i mean i know we went to ny this weekend and she sleepsover now and then but like for example in ny we were so busy running from place to place that we didnt relaly get to talk.
    Fuck i was just informed by her that she cant go to the mall tomorrow with ben and me :(. waaa!!! but at least she can still come to town.
    After school we never get to talk because its like a given that owen goes to her house every single day after school.
    It kind of annoying.. in my opinion...i mean wuts the deal? like mike is her boyfriend but its kinda weird that owen is always there. ALWAYS!
    hannah+mike=ADORABLE
    anyway...like were hanging out tomorrow night idk wut were doing but we are hanging out... hopefully we will get a chance to talk or something.. i dont know... i miss her a lot tho, and i dont think she feels the same.
    Hopefully we wont just mope around town tomorrow nite and be retarded and have no fun... which im sorry to say but has been the case lately and i think she can agree....and i think we all know its because we stopped smoking so we have nothing to do but anyway w/e.... casey said maybe we can drink with her... i HOPE.

    i sound like a complete waste... i mean talking about how i have nothing to do because i quit weed and now hoping to drink tomorrow. well w/e i mean i should probably quit smoking cigarettes as well which has become a HUGE habit now especially after i stopped weed. but like Shai told me... u always need something in ur system thats bad for u.

    hannah i love u please talk to me.... :-(

    Current Mood: sad
    Current Music: Nothing
    4:41 pm
    No Light
    I know that the analogy of life being a dark tunnel with no light on the other side is a "cliche". But lately thats what its been like... Qutting pot has had its ups and downs for me... ups? who the fuck am i kidding? Anyone ... or most people who have quit should no theres not much ups. Exept maybe passing a piss test if u have to take one... For me at least it has only been dows. And I more than often wonder why i even bothered making that decision. To some it may not seem like a big deal but to me it was and still is. I had something to look forward to... something that no matter how shitty and terrible my day was i had something to think about in the back of my head and bring me some positive thoughts. I awaited the days (which came one after the other) when I would be able to experience the sensation of Marijuana. Sure I got a bit slower...but the truth of it all is ... who fucking cares? Think about it...Whats the point???Life is short so why not do something u enjoy? Who knows we can die tomorrow.... or maybe even this second right... NOW! hmm so if i think logically i should have a joint in my mouth right now... mmm better yet a blunt. Now i have nothing to look forward to... i mean sure hanging out with friends is fun but it gets old. we do the same things day after day and although it sometimes brightens my moods its not enough for me. i need something...something that never gets old. something that will be there for me no matter what. Weed was that something. That special friend of mine. it's a classic drug...not even a drug... an herb... hemp is not a drug... its a natural plant...Anyways my days have been the same old boring routine...whats the point in life now? Philosophers come up with all sorts of ideas which people value about the point in life. These ideas are thought out and took much time to establish. I believe it was a few months ago when hannah said something which has stayed in my mind since that moment. She brilliantly discovered the point in life: "To Smoke Weed". As simple as that... it didnt take any thought, but yet it was brilliant and true. And now i must sadly say There is no point in life anymore.
    Today is my moms birthday and I should probably go get ready to go out to dinner with them
    I dont even know where we are going yet... w/e
    Bye

    ~When I need to free my mind I can find... satisfaction in a bag of weed .. leave it to trees ... they can make me feel better....~
    -Weed Song- Bone ThUgs

    Current Mood: gloomy
    Current Music: Weed Song ~ Bone Thugs -N- Harmony
    4:41 pm
    No Light
    I know that the analogy of life being a dark tunnel with no light on the other side is a "cliche". But lately thats what its been like... Qutting pot has had its ups and downs for me... ups? who the fuck am i kidding? Anyone ... or most people who have quit should no theres not much ups. Exept maybe passing a piss test if u have to take one... For me at least it has only been dows. And I more than often wonder why i even bothered making that decision. To some it may not seem like a big deal but to me it was and still is. I had something to look forward to... something that no matter how shitty and terrible my day was i had something to think about in the back of my head and bring me some positive thoughts. I awaited the days (which came one after the other) when I would be able to experience the sensation of Marijuana. Sure I got a bit slower...but the truth of it all is ... who fucking cares? Think about it...Whats the point???Life is short so why not do something u enjoy? Who knows we can die tomorrow.... or maybe even this second right... NOW! hmm so if i think logically i should have a joint in my mouth right now... mmm better yet a blunt. Now i have nothing to look forward to... i mean sure hanging out with friends is fun but it gets old. we do the same things day after day and although it sometimes brightens my moods its not enough for me. i need something...something that never gets old. something that will be there for me no matter what. Weed was that something. That special friend of mine. it's a classic drug...not even a drug... an herb... hemp is not a drug... its a natural plant...Anyways my days have been the same old boring routine...whats the point in life now? Philosophers come up with all sorts of ideas which people value about the point in life. These ideas are thought out and took much time to establish. I believe it was a few months ago when hannah said something which has stayed in my mind since that moment. She brilliantly discovered the point in life: "To Smoke Weed". As simple as that... it didnt take any thought, but yet it was brilliant and true. And now i must sadly say There is no point in life anymore.
    Today is my moms birthday and I should probably go get ready to go out to dinner with them
    I dont even know where we are going yet... w/e
    Bye

    ~When I need to free my mind I can find... satisfaction in a bag of weed .. leave it to trees ... they can make me feel better....~
    -Weed Song- Bone ThUgs

    Current Mood: gloomy
    Current Music: Weed Song ~ Bone Thugs -N- Harmony
    Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
    9:41 pm
    Being Straight up with everyone
    Well I just spent a good hour, probably more, reading every single blurty entry that hannah has ever written. Wow .. I love her. Even the entries about how pissed she is at me dont matter, because im glad that were being open with each other now. Im her Blurty Friend and everything now! lol... and on my very first entry I already got a comment from her. Im gonna go to sleep now..fuck i didnt do ANY hw... o well... not like i ever do.. :-/ ... im sucha fuck up

    Current Mood: sleepy
    Current Music: nothin
    8:17 pm
    this is my first entry... i had a Blurty before but it got deleted. anyway... i was inspired to create another one due to a conversation between me and hannah, i am now one of her Blurty Friends :-). :::HAPPY FACE:::
    Im happy...this way I can read her thoughts and we can be come closer and such.
    Even though we are already close. i sort of have a headache from being on the computer for an excessive amount of time.
    So I guess this is all for now...

    I'm out with a quote

    "It's better to burn out than to fade away"
    -Kurt Cobain

    Current Mood: blah
    Current Music: Silver - Nirvana
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