| i felt like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldnt screw to save the species |
[27 Nov 2003|06:19pm] |
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 okay |
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music |
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watching everytime i die dvd. yayy. |
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i swear to GOD i could kill steve right now. hahaha he always pretends to fight with me, then last second he says he's joking. i love him. :)
so last night i had the longest talk EVER with dan online. the dan that kissed angie. he was saying all of this stuff. and it was so weird. i was fighting with steve again (yeah, do we really do anything else? haha) and so i didn't really feel bad about talking to dan. it wasn't sexual or anything, we just said some things that we've always been wanting to say to each other. like how i hated bethany and how she treated him. and how he hates steve. everything.
me and dan. a car. spring break. road trip. just us two. being free.
we made these plans to go on a road trip over spring break. we talked about how free we would be. how comfortable we are with each other. it's so perfect. we're going to leave this place behind.
welllll even if it is talk, it makes me feel better knowing that he's here for me.
i haven't done anything like all day. i've been sitting around, sleeping, drawing, singing loud in my room haha, hanging out. i've been hanging around chris bell a lot lately again. he's so my best friend. hahaha he's awesome. he makes me laugh so hard it's pathetic. and we won't even be high. i love it. he's my buddy. he's ALWAYS home and doing nothing, so i just walk up the street and hang out with him. especially if me and steve fight.
anyways anyways. i'm bored and cold. i kinda miss eliott. i haven't talked to him much lately. i miss nate too haha! come homeeee!
happy thanksgiving.
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| never scared |
[25 Nov 2003|03:18pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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hopesfall - in reflection |
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man, sometimes things suck so bad that i don't know what to do anymore. i just get stuck. i don't know. i had a huge ass fight with steve. that wasn't too nice, i hate fighting with him. it makes me feel so sick. i heard from probably like ten people today that lindsay bartos is trying to fuck him and he's all passive about it. if i ever found out that happened, i'd end her right there. she needs to find her own boyfriends and quit mooching off of mine. for once. haha. what a bitch. anyways, steve was turning the situation on me. what the hellll. anyways, problem solved, i think. i hope.
i'm so glad the school day is ending. it sucked a lot. it was so blah. tomorrow i'm not doing shit. i'm hanging out with angie i think. we made plans for all day wednesday. then physical therapy, which is horrible. sucks. i wish someone would come with me so i don't feel so alone.
i'm in such a pissy mood because i need someone to talk to so bad and i feel like i have no one. i would've called nate but he left. :( i don't know what else to do. i just need to laugh. something.
i feel like i hate everything again. i feel so.... i don't know. usually i don't hate anyone except like two people. but now i feel like i hate everyone. i really don't even have anyone. not even steve anymore.
christmas is coming and so is just... shit i guess. shitty things ALWAYS happen in the winter.
i think i need to quit drugs too, because now that i feel like no one's there, i want to get drunk or high or anything. i just don't really care anymore.
derek always used to tell me "never think that the world owes you because of all that's happened to you. even if it is as shitty as your stuff." but i really do feel like the world owes me for once. just once.
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| "STOP POINTING AT PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW" -clem hahahah |
[23 Nov 2003|12:47am] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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nirvana |
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today went from okay to bad to good. yay.
i cleaned like all day. that didn't really bother me because for once, i was in a cleaning sort of mood. then i was running up and down the stairs so much that i couldn't walk good because my ankel and hips and back were hurting so god damn bad. so i laid down on the couch and fell asleep for two hours, haha it was a peaceful sleep. then i woke up, cleaned more, got into a huge ass fight with my mom. she said i couldn't go anywhere. (plans for sharon fell through because justin had to get his car fixed and then wanted to go out with emily.. so me steve clem and jess planned to go out to eat and get high) then i cried because she was saying that sometimes she wishes that i wasn't her daughter. i really have no respect for her anymore. but you'd understand why if you lived here.
anyways, then my dad told my mom she was being a bitch and told me i could go out. i hooked up colby and anu hahaha. but since they were going, we couldn't get high. :( so we went to applebee's and then saw the cat in the hat. haha it was funny. i like steve a lottttttttt. yay.
that's about all that happened. now i'm eating a cheese-filled pretzel and it's one in the morning. time for bed. i've been up since like 7. night. :)
ohhh and i changed my icon to this artsy picture of derek that he gave me. i love it a lot. so yay it's my icon now. :)
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| "how you doin' playa" |
[22 Nov 2003|01:08am] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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get low |
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i'm really bored and no one's online. and i'm still sitting here with my sprained ankle haha. steve came home and called me and i felt all special. yay. so now i've been talking to him for the past two hours. we're hooking up anu and colby hahaha. they're infatuated with each other and they just don't know it yet.
i'm so tired. i was eating some pizza but i dropped it on the floor and couldn't find it, by the time i did, the five second rule was up. :(
i taught nate how to whistle today haha. me and manoli tried cheating together on a history test, but that didn't work too good because neither of us studied. we're watching gatica in biology, it's an awesome movie. you should watch it if you haven't, it's crazy. i'm failing geometry. i tried to talk to the teacher about it but he kept interrupting himself by talking about football. i cheated in that class again today with tony davis haha, he copied my algebra review and i copied his theorems and proofs. it was fun. i drew this picture of a girl from about the waist up and she had no face. i used ebony pencil and put press type over it and i like it kind of. i wish i were better in art. mike zambelli said he loved it. he's so good in art too.
ok i'm bored. seeee ya.
ohhh yeah, i'm getting high with steve and clem and all of those guys tomorrow. haha i can't wait.
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| you knew it was dillinger when you saw his face. |
[21 Nov 2003|09:57pm] |
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mood |
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sore |
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music |
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dillinger |
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oh god, never ever go to a physical therapist who doesn't know what they're doing. i went today and i had brittany kelly's mom, because the lady i usually have wasn't there. brittanys mom was really nice and all, she just didn't know what the hell she was doing. then she tried popping my leg or something insane, then she popped my ankle out of place and just said "oh god, i'm so sorry. that didn't sound too good." i wanted to kill her. grrrr. haha yeah so now i'm sitting here with this ankle brace on, and i can't walk.
i went to the movies with steve. we were going to go with clem and jess, but clem is trying to cheat on jess with a girl named mary. haha so he was out with mary instead. steve went out to party without me. he went with phil, eric, clem, mary, and um lindsay bartos. gross. you wait and see what happens if i hear about anything with her. i don't like her. she's basically the only person i really don't like.
no one's online because i think everyone's partying and stuff. not me. :( i'm sitting here with a sprained ankle. and no steve.
angie called me from anna's house, i think. she wanted to know if i could go on a walk, but i couldn't because my ankle hurt. :( then i left.
that's it, i think i'm done complaining for now. ps-i get my cell phone this weekend or next weekend and i'm all excited. hooorayyy.
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| for want of |
[20 Nov 2003|05:51pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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.hopesfall. the end of an era |
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well
i have absolutely nothing to do tonight. maybe i'll call someone up and see if they'll go to the play with me or something. i want to go somewhere, not just sit around.
fridayis herr jones' little party, but all those plans fell through. i think i'm going out with steve that night. steve's been pissing me off alittle lately, he's always been mad whenever i'm with him. usually we hang out a lot, even constantly, but all of a sudden he's blowing me off a lot and i hate it. blahh. he wants to go somewhere with jess and clem. so maybe that's what we're doing.
me and nate made plans for saturday because saturday is a rockin' day, and me and nate rock, naturally. ;) so me nate and justin are going to watch identity because nate saw it and loved it, then take a ride on over to sharon to see the chinese buffet and see if the little kids are there again hahaha. it'll be so great. then we'll probably be all "random" and roam sharon again. no matter how many times we do it, it's still so fun haha.
i can't wait until next week because we have wednesday, thursday, and friday off. next thing you know, it'll be christmas. yayyy. i love christmas. it's the best part of the year. maybe one of these days i'll give derek a call. i miss him a lot and he's not touring as of right now, i don't think. he said he wanted to hang out a lot when i get off for break. so yay.
today was boring. art class was fun and baddd. that's right, bad with 3 d's. hahaha but it was a good bad. me josh dan and nikki had some funny times, i laughed so hard. i gave eliott my school picture. i planned on writing this huge little love note on the back, but i ripped that one up and wrote a new one that said "to: eliott. heart, steph" and that's it. then i gave him a magazine article that said "the new yorker" and he gave me a paper heart. such little kids. he should've gave that paper heart to kristi instead. i'm sure she would've loved it.
well everyone's boring and no one wants to go anywhere because they're all lazy hahaha. so i'm probably going to go sleep or watch tv or a movie. something. i'm bored.
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| "i-da-ho, you da-ho, we da-ho" |
[18 Nov 2003|04:05pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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the fiction we live. of courseee. |
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today was so boring. thennn it got interesting in german class. because german's always interesting. ALL thanks to nate, my bestest best friend ever. hahaha we have the greatest times. i'm surprised herr jones hasn't moved our seats yet. it was so funny. nate was singing rhymes to me about people sucking.. stuff. hahaha. friday herr jones is having people over to his house to eat food and play board games.
so that means, of course, me and nate will be smoking it up (thanks to my buddy chris bell) then going there. then maybe german club will be alittle more fun. then me and nate were remembering when we went to the starting line concert, and we kept missing exit 173B. then we missed it like ten times. and had to keep going back. hahaha and whenever we'd miss it, we'd have to travel like 15 minutes in circles to get back on the highway. and when we were COMPLETELY lost, stupid me, i was sitting in the front seat, and some black ghetto guy told me to roll down the window. hahaha and i did. he asked if i knew where some street was and i said "no, hehehehehe we're lost hehe" like some retarded little girl asking to get raped hahaha. it was so horrible.
by far the dumbest thing i've ever done. ever. hahaha it's great.
sean zban drew bob marley on my hand in permanate red marker. haha it's a smiley face with eyes and a smiling mouth. and six dreads coming off of it. and it says "bob m." we were going to draw a joint or something but mr.tominey said that if we did that then sean would get sent to the principles office along with my hand hahaha. so we refrained.
i feel so weird now. just all of a sudden i stopped typing in this for like ten minutes, and when people talked to me online i didn't feel like answering. i just feel like sometimes i'm no one to talk to. really, who am i?
today people i haven't talked to in so long are IMing me, i feel kind of special or something. even if i don't like the people. like matt from the band one forth awesome was all happy to talk to me. i used to date him and stuff, hahaha we used to have late nights in hot tubs and look at the stars. it was nice. but it doesn't matter anymore because now i have steve. he's the only person who i ALWAYS feel like talking to. and of course nate. :) and a few others. heidi talked to me today and i was like 'yayy' because i felt special. and i yelled at that scott kid that's INSANE. he told everyone i was "fuckable" so i told him to fuck off.
but that's it. otherwise i feel really alone sometimes. really alone.
especially now that eliott is like gone from me. i don't even have him anymore. he's got kristi or whoever the hell she is. yeahhh i'm jealous, so what. but he deserves to be happy. he really reallyy does. especially since i did nothing but drag him down for soo long. i'm sorry about that, but there's no use in writing that, he's not going to read this. anyways, i ran across the hall to mr.england's class today and watched him talk about his comic he made up. it was so great. i loved it.
welll, i'll see you guys later.
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| the initiation |
[17 Nov 2003|05:34pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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trailer park jesus |
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nate told me to start a journal, so here ya go nate.
let me just start off by saying physical therapy was horrible today. i have really really bad back strain, and it's effecting how i walk now. so i went to some dumb orthopedic sergeon and blahblahblah now i wound up at physical therapy. they did all this message stuff. it hurt. and now there's icey hot on my back and i feel so cool. brrrr.
oh and another thing: glassjaw kicks all of your asses. woooo hoo. i love it so much. they've been my favorite forever and they're still going strong. see, told you they kicked all your asses. they make me cry and feel all emo. glassjaw. pretty lush. like pink roses and two tabs of masculine. trailer park jesus. it's so wonderful. glassjaw.
i can never sing to them loud enough. nate, i'm going to make their cds for you. yes, all four of them. THERE'S FOUR. i bet most of you didn't know that. yayyy.
anyways, i made this journal all fancy and stuff. i got really bored so i read up on it and stuff. 8) i'm such a nerd.
"look into my eyes and shut the fuck upppp"
i have so much homework, but i'm not going to do any of it. i really don't care about school anymore. i always used to make fun of justin for not doing homework. haha i used to call him a bum. now i don't do anything anymore. i somehow make it through though. :) works for meee.
i think i talked enough for the first entry. i gotta go call steve. i'll just leave you with alittle more glassjaw.
"put the needle to the record. and hit me with your style. soon enough i'll learn to unload my mouth. can't you see it's getting blacker. the vibe up in this place. when i displace. what made me turn my face? i can't wait. i can't waitttt. i jump ship to burning sow. had a ball. atom bomb." that song makes me cry.
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