Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in scottymac's Blurty:

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Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
8:31 am	well im am back at home for a little bit. I'd like to be able to say it feels good to be home but really i would have rathered just stay where i was. I guess that i have been a few places since i have written anything. montana was awesome! sweet skiing! lots of chill time with wilson and really cool to finally meet him family and friends. I felt like i was already good friends with them because of all the stories that i have heard about them over the past 2 years. it was good to see adam too and see his school and job. after montana i drove out to nova scotia. that was really awesome too! it had been over a year since i had been home. it was so good to see all my friends and family. it worked out really well. i seemed to have just enough time to see everyone that i needed to see. i really seemed to appreciate the time that i had there while i was there this time. normally for me i never appreciate something like that untill it is gone. im kinda thick like that. but for some reason this time i remember thinking while i was hanging out with people that i was so glad to be there. on the way home i stoped in to see a really good friend of mine that i worked with this summer. it was so good to see him. i have only known him for a short time but he is one of those people that you hit it off with right away and you feel like you are awesome friends in no time at all. he got accepted to go to summit next year! i am so excited for him. anyway that was february but now on to march. im am back in london until the 15th because my parents are away. after that i still dont really know what i am doing. hopefully i am going to have a job with a guy up close to summit for a month or two. he is not sure if he will need me yet but it is looking good i think. i was a little apprehensive about the whole idea at first because it is so close to summit and i didnt really want to just be hanging around there at all. but i think that the job wont start until they are gone for arkansas anyway. that would work out well. as far as what from there i have not idea yet. well that is a lie....i have tonns of ideas and tons of options i guess but i just have to wait i little longer to figure out which is going to pan out and which is going to be the best for me. going back out east this time open up a few more door and really just made things more complicated for me. but that is ok. it will be a fun summer no matter what happens. that i know forsure! (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
9:39 pm	well i got to write again sooner then i thought. im here in MT. i really a glad to finally get here. i have been waiting for over 2 years now. it good finally see where and how wilson lives. we went to Big Sky yesterday. it was probably the most fun that I have ever had sking. it was pretty sweet. the conditions could have been better but it was still amazing. anyway, no time to write tonight. peace- (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
1:07 am	im outta here! well i dont really feel like writting right now but it will probably be a long time before i get on here again. i leave for montana tommorow. it will hopefully be a good time. the weather hasnt been the greatest there lately but maybe they will get some fresh snow while i am out there. wilson said that it has been warm enough to climb out there lately so i am bringing my gear out just incase. after montana i am going out to nova scotia for a week to ricks wedding. i think that i am even more excited about that then i am montana. it has just been to long since i have spent any time at home and with my family/friends. it should be a really good week. i am so glad to be finished at work. i cant think of a place that i would like to be less right now then back there. well i think this is all that i want to say tonight. peace- (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 29th, 2005
2:17 am	tonight i really have intimacy on my mind....I'm not really sure what to say about it. i kinda feel like I dont really have to much of it in my life right now. In fact....thinking back it hs been i while since i have really felt an "intimacy" for something of with someone. I miss it. people always talk about love like it is the only important thing in life. it seem that it is a conclusion that everyone comes to at one point in their life. I guess i would agree with them. i try to think of what there is in life without it....all i can really picture is a few people that i have come across in my life that had nobody. no intimacy...no comfort of a friend...noboby on the other end of their prayers. i guess that i have felt rather distant from God lately. i dont really think about him to much right now. its kind of weird because i love him. i really do. but its almost like im not sure why i do sometimes. in my head it always going to get better, like an alcoholic. "this is the last time...things are going to change starting now". only to find myself wasted again a week later. its as if i am waiting for something to happen. something big! and when it does that will be it, i will be on my way. but it doesnt come....i think that i realized something tonight..or maybe just re-realized...its never going to come. this time the ball is in my court. and its up to me to pick it up and play or just keep warming the bench. I remember a good friend of mine said once that you cant just sit around and wait for God to change you, you have to make the first move. that stuck with me and that phrase even seems to cross my mind strangely often. i think that he was right. im missing out on intimacy that i could be having. im missing out on a relationship that could be life altering. and it is my own choice. choice is a weird thing. its wierd because it is the only thing in my life that is mine. it is the only thing that i have complete control over. that is almost scary in a sense. my life my not be my own but my choices are. its my choice and nobody can change that. its my choice and its final. its my choice and i think i know that right one... (Comment on this)
Friday, January 28th, 2005
2:11 am	Wedding Dress if you could love me as a wife and for my wedding gift, your life should that be all i’ll ever need or is there more i’m looking for and should i read between the lines and look for blessings in disguise to make me handsome, rich, and wise is that really what you want i am a whore i do confess but i put you on just like a wedding dress and i run down the aisle i’m a prodigal with no way home but i put you on just like a ring of gold and i run down the aisle to you so could you love this bastard child though i don’t trust you to provide with one hand in a pot of gold and with the other in your side i am so easily satisfied by the call of lovers less wild that i would take a little cash over your very flesh and blood i am a whore i do confess but i put you on just like a wedding dress and i run down the aisle i’m a prodigal with no way home but i put you on just like a ring of gold and i run down the aisle to you because money cannot buy a husband’s jealous eye when you have knowingly deceived his wife Derek Webb (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
12:26 am	I think that if living in London has done anything for me it has confirmed that fact the i am not a city person. most days i either sit around and wish that i wasnt here or try and think of ways to get out of here. ever since i wrote about the little mountain town a couple of journals ago, i spend alot of time thinking about it and who will be there and how soon its going to come. its not just the city that gets me about the city, its the people. i guess i just think so different then most city people. i find so many people that are so concerned with such stupid things. they are the classic things like money, cloths, all that crap. but the biggest thing that i find with the people that i have come in contact with is that they are so shallow. there is no depth to anything. they are very withdrawn and impossible to get to know. part of me sometimes just wonderings if it is just me being so judgemental and always comparing new people to my real friends. but part of me really thinks that we are just very different people. althought i do have to confess that i havent really put to much effort into trying to invest in people. my goal i guess was to get out of here not make friends. i was starting to get tired of making good friends just to say goodbye. i was talking to my mom about this tonight and she thought that that was a bad attitude and that i my be missing out on some really cool people. im not really sure if i agree or not. maybe she is right, but i really do find it hard to relate to people that dont have the same priorities. maybe that makes me shallow though! whatever...im starting to confuse myself and if i read back over this im probably starting to contridict myself. Current Music: some good old country! (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 13th, 2005
11:22 pm	i hate work.... well its official...im putting in my two weeks notice tommorow. by feb. 1st i will be jobless again and i cant wait. these last few weeks at work have been brutal. all that i could think about is quitting. also i think that i have made up my mind for next month too. after joels wedding on the 5th i am going to fly out and see wilson for a week or two. do some sking, hang out, maybe go up to see adam while i am there too. im super stoked! i have been wanting to go out to montana since i met the guy. then i will come back around the 20th and hitch hike out to the cape breton for ricks wedding. spend a week or so there visiting the fam and a few friends the come back again most likely. im not really sure what im going to do after that but right now i dont care to much about march. i just cant wait for january to be over. finally we are getting some snow here. i was starting to get seriously pissed off. yesterday it rained all day and today when i got up it was 12 degrees. i wasnt to pleased. but the temp is droping to -10 tonight and we are getting some snow right now. so thing are looking up. i heading up north tommorow night for the weekend. its suppose to be nice and cold there too. maybe i can get some ice climbing in. that would be sweet! i think that i am really going to miss that this year. so much of it last year to maybe once or twice this year. kinda sucky. oh well. pretty sure i will get some sweet sking in so that will make up for it. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 4th, 2005
12:25 am	the unknown.... well these next few months are really up in the air right now. so many plans and so little time and money. if i get to do everything that i want to do it would be a pretty sweet winter. i have a feeling that it is going to go by really quickly. all that i can think about right now is sking. i have been on so many sites looking videos and trailers dreaming about how cool it would to be pro. i have decided that im not going to stay in at home to much longer though. being at home served its purpose but now thats over. its time to get out of here. that sounds alittle harsh but i really need a change. the only thing that is for sure is a trip to cape breton at the end of feb. i pretty stoked about that. my cousin is getting married(not josh!) so i will probably head out there for about a week. it has been i while since i have spent any amount of time out there. it should be fun. other then that im up for anything. im starting to look at my options for the summer. i really like to be out west. where im not sure yet. it would be really sweet to be on the island. if i dont work on the island it will be the first summer of my life without salt water. but im open for alot. well im not really sure what else to say right now. im just rambling to get something out. its time to go to bed and think about all the what ifs and if onlys. hopefully i can soon turn them into whens and wheres. goodnight! Current Mood: anxious Current Music: Xaiver Rudd, The Postal Service (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 25th, 2004
11:13 pm	fantasy wow a month has almost gone by since i have been here. i pretty busy month for me it seems compared to the past few. mexico was such a good time. such a much needed break and so good to be with good friends again. i miss them all so much. the trip really meant alot more to me this year i think. mostly just because i have been away from that stuff and those people for a while now. it was pretty good to have one guy around especially. i has been quite some time since i have been able to spend any amount of time with him. he alway seem to encourage me so much. such a wise guy for his age and just seems to have so much life experience already. those are the best type of people. the kind of people that you can learn some much from by just being around them and watching how they live their life out. im pretty lucky to have as many friends like that as i do. i often wonder how many of them will still be a part of my life in twenty years. i hope all of them. sometimes i have these fantasies of all of us living together when we are older. we do everything together and hang out all the time. our kids hang out together too. we all live in some cool little mountain town and climb togther and ski together all the time and live happily ever after. then i wonder how much of that will stay just a fantasy forever. it sad to think of it as a fantasy but it seem like it would be to good to be true. all these hopes of finding the perfect community just to relize that there is no such thing. we put our hopes and trust into people and think that maybe this time may be different then the last. that maybe this time that person that seems like they have everything together is the real deal. then reality hits. you see the real them...and its discusting. i think that i have really learn some much(maybe the hard way) that there is no such thing as a perfect person or a perfect community. no matter who the human is they will always fail. sounds kinda depressing. but at the same time almost encouraging. im not really sure why. maybe because it puts me on the same page as these people that are looked up to so much. or maybe it just shows our dependance. i think that even though there isnt a perfect community out there, there definitly can be one that is a place where you can experience true love. perfect love. a community where status is not an issue and ablilty is not even a thought. i think a christians we can really suck at living out the things that we preach out sometimes. but that is what is so amazing about grace. perfect grace. forgetful grace. some day i am going to live in a place where every one is excepted and nobody is judged. with perfect love and perfect grace. Current Mood: dreaming Current Music: derek webb-wedding dress (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 2nd, 2004
12:21 am	a good stretch... well i didnt end up making it to yoga the other day. i slept in by accident. i seem to do that alot lately. but i am going tommorow morning for sure. i am going to get up and go for a run and then go get a good stretch at yoga. i dont work until 5 tommorow so i have the afternoon to do whatever. i kinda feel like reading strangly enough. maybe i can go hang out at chapters for a feel hours(i can believe im saying this). they have alot of cool magazines there(good save!). we will see. still no snow hear. seem like everywhere else is starting to get snow but us. i did end up taking a bunch of pics today. it was fun. there is a really dirty river here that runs through the city. but it doesnt look dirty so i went down there and got some shots. i can wait to take pics in mexico. i will be nice to be in a place where i can take lots of pics without having to search for them. i plan on running off about ten rolls in the two weeks! it will be fun. until i have to pay for the development. that will hurt. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 1st, 2004
12:14 pm	windy wonder- well i was going to write about how it was such a crappy day out but all of a sudden the sun just popped out! im not sure if its going to stay or not but i hope that it does. i was going to go take a bunch of pic today. i have a role of slide film in my camera that i want to finish before i go to mexico. iam going to cross process it but i have never done that before so i have been having a little trouble deciding what to take. i think that i may just do a self portrait session just to run it through. hopefully then i will have a better idea of what to expect with cross processing. it really windy out. i love the wind! i think that it is my favorite element. so incredible powerful. i always feel so alive on a wind day. just being out in it. having it try and push me around. it feels like god is just wanting to play. i think that is why i like sailing so much. being out on the water just you and the boat and the wind. fully at the winds disposal. its amazing. so powerful but so gentle all in one. from a warm summer breeze that keeps the bugs away or cools you down to a cold mounatin wind that freezes people to death or an atlantic ocean gale that sinks huge ships. no matter how far along man seems to come, we can be so easily tamed by something that has been around forever. Current Mood: amazed Current Music: dave mattews/alanis morisette (Comment on this)
2:37 am	face lift! no time to write really i have to hit the sack. my journal got a face lift today. what do you think? i like it. makes it a bit more personal. i ordered some climbing gear today. i cant wait to get it eveb though i wont use it for a while. i have basically a pretty good sport climbing set up now and a little bit of trad gear. hopefully by the end of next summer i will have a full trad rack! that will be sweet. then i can hit up some serious peaks! got to run-peace- Current Mood: excited Current Music: Blues Traveller (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
12:13 am	wheres the snow? well i put up some christmas lights on my house today. ive always enjoyed puting the light up. ever since i was a kid. i was nice out today. but no snow! i wish that it would just hurry up and snow. i hate this time of year when you want it to snow but all it does is rain. soon enough though. im going to a yoga class tommorow. it s really kinda funny. its me and a bunch of really old ladys. i really like it though. i always feel awesome afterwards. and then work...its really starting to get boring. i think that i have learned all that i am going to. so now it is just telling people over and over the same thing about cameras. so repetitive and hard to be inthusiastic. i really hate being inside all day too. hopefully i wont have to stay to much longer. but for now whatever. i'll live. Current Mood: mellow Current Music: bebo norman (Comment on this)
Monday, November 29th, 2004
12:55 am	the month ahead... once again i have been horribly unfaithful to my journal. i really have had a hard time coming up with anything new to write about. life has been quite repetitive lately. work, eat, sleep. with the odd game of poker or trip to church or a little reading. other then that my weeks have been quite predictable and uneventful. it has really made me understand how much i have taken for granted in life. hopefully i have learned my lesson. maybe next time i get as lucky as i was these last few years i will remember these past few months and make sure that i appreciate it and say thank you to god and who everelse deserves it. im really looking forward to december though. i think that it will be a good month for me. im off to mexico for a few weeks with some of my favorite people. i cant wait to have some good talks and just chill out with them. them one of my good friends is coming to my house for christmas. as well as my brother and his wife. its really quite funny how much my brother jeff and i use to fight when we lived together. and now that we have been apart for a few years i would do anything just to even live in them same city again. all those times my parents said that we would be best friends when we grow up and i never ever thought it was true. but it is. they where right. so it should be a good month for me. i am always a happier person when i am surounded by good friends. i even spiritually feel better when i am with my friends. i really get alot of energy from people. i have the day off tommorow. i really hope that it is nice out. it is suppose to snow i think. that would be perfect. id really like to get outside and do something. it has been a while since ive done that. Current Music: a little bit of everything (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 17th, 2004
1:48 am	Time These last few year for me have been pretty crazy when i think back. if you showed me pictures of my life before any of this happened, i never would have believed you. stuff that i use to dream about i have already done and experienced and im only twenty! tons and tons of things have happened and i have done so very much. but yet i am still me. i really have been blessed over these past few years. when people ask me what i have done with myself, i dont know where to begin. God has alowed me to meet some really awesome people, go to some super cool places, and experience things that i though i never would. its been awesome! but through all of that,...man i missed home! what a change it is not living in cape breton anymore or hardly even get to visit. i truely miss it. sometimes i really miss the security of the way things use to be. haveing friends that i knew werent going anywhere. having somewhat of a structure to life. but i have come to the conclusion that i may not have that again for a very long time. it seem more the norm lately to get to be around people just long enough to build relationships and then they are taken away from me. it can be tough! if it does anything for you though, it sure makes you appriciate the friends that you have. i really do appriciate all of you. you may never know what kind of an impact you have had on me. thanks for the good times! Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: the music of memories (Comment on this)
Monday, November 15th, 2004
1:58 am	Malachi 3:10 "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this and see if i will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and poor out so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it." (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 14th, 2004
12:56 pm	long time comin' well i guess i have really fallen into a "i really suck at writing" slum. i have been putting this off for a long time now. not really sure why. laziness i guess. maybe its more then that though. i guess i dont usally like to write about the bad times in life. i dont really want to remember them. so when i a have a bad few days i neglect this. well it seem that i have had a bad few weeks. i really hate hurting God the way that i do so much. there is a song by Derek Webb that i really feel is writen towards me lately. it goes like this," I am a whore i do confess, i put you on like a wedding dress and i run down the aisle. im a prodigal with no way home, i put you on like a ring of gold and i run down the aisle." i am like Hosea's wife. but God continue to show me grace like Hosea did even though He know that i will do it again. im not usally a very good loser when it comes to personal things. i hate when i cant get or do things. i cant get christianity. i just doesnt work. i try and try but i fail. something in my head just doesnt get it. i fail so i run away. all i really want is jesus but i cant have him on my own strenght. for some reason i cant let go. im hold on to something and its stopping me from having what i really want. intimacy. i love him so much but never show it. i dont really know what it is thats stoping me. lack of respect? lack of love? lack of belief? whatever it is i hate it. this takes alot of work for me to talk about this so i think i am done for today. Current Mood: frustrated Current Music: Patty Griffin/Derek Webb (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
11:30 pm	get your hands off the wheel! im feeling a little frustrated right now....family life gets the best of me sometimes....not really use to it anymore. oh well...im sure that it will all be gone in the morning. life can be so confusing some times. things can just seem so back and forth. there seem to be not much that is steady in my life right now. well i guess that christ is always steady but maybe im not always following him to closely. it tough being here for that reason i guess. i dont really have the support that i have gotten use to. the responsibility has been put on me i guess and i dont think that i can handle it. it is all part of the process, but it's not fun past of the process. i think that my biggest problem is this: that life without christ does go on for me. it goes on and its terrible buut it is usally a hell of alot easier then relying on him. i want to be independant so bad. but christ and independance dont mix! dependance on christ goes against everthing that i really want to be. but on top of that, i want so badly to follow christ. it is this constant battle of these two desires that are burned into my heart! to follow christ or to follow me! i hate the flesh but, i love it. i think that i will go and read. peace- Current Mood: torn Current Music: Jim Brickman (Comment on this)
Sunday, October 24th, 2004
1:35 am	shin splints- well this week went by kinda slow....actually that is a lie...i was just thinking tonight i cant believe that its the weekend again. but i didnt really do much. i guess it went by fast but it wasnt very exciting. i did a few things though...i worked...talked to a good friend on the phone for quite a long time...and i went for a really long run. it was the longest that i have done i think. i was shooting for 20k and i had a loop maped out that i though was 20 but it turned out later that it was only around 17 or so. i was kinda bummed. i thought that i had a really great time for 20... oh well...there is always next time. unfortunitly, 17 was enough to make walking difficult today. i guess maybe i should have stretched some. i got don millers new book this week! im pretty excited about it! im only in the third chapter and i and already quite captivated. its gonna be a good one! well its final...im definitly going to mexico with summit. im super stoked! so much fun to be had with such good friends! i was really starting to wonder if God was closing the door for that trip. i was starting to get really disappointed. but it all seemed to fall into place this week. it gonna be so good. i cant wait to see wilson. i really miss havin that guy around. i am starting to get some hours in the lab at work. i really like that. it will be cool becasue soon i can develope my own pictures! they can be excatly like i want them to be! also i get to look at everyone elses pictures. thats kinda cool too. but you see some weird stuff sometimes. this music is sorta weird...i think that i dig it though! Current Mood: content Current Music: Ani Defranco (Comment on this)
Monday, October 18th, 2004
12:18 am	self-awareness i hate starting these. i never know what to say to open. that works i guess. well i have been working alot lately. i really like it. it keeps me busy. i have been seeling lots of cameras so they like having me around. i have learned so much in the last few weeks at work. it really been a good experience so far. friday night i went to a climbing gym in TO with my friend Dan. i was a good time. i dont really get to do alot of climbing lately. every few weeks i seem to get to some how, but i really wish that i could be doing it all the time. i have a few friends that ran a half marathon today. i really wanted to run but i backed out last minute. just didnt have the flow. 65 bucks to go for a run. plus a two hour drive worth of gas. id really like to see how i would do. i think that i may get someone to drive me 20 kms from my house some time this week to see how fast i could make it home. i dont really get a lot of compition anymore. i am really more competitve with myself now then anything. i used to be quite competitive. almost to much. i would get angery. i didnt really like that. its better now. well being at home has presented some different challenges, but overall, it has been kinda nice to have a home again for a little while. so i have been think that since i am home for a bit i would like to maybe do some painting. i have wanted to paint for some time now but never had the chance. i really love art but im not really involved in it much other then photography. i love photography but i want expand my artistic side. sounds really cheesie when i read back over what i just side but i guess i can deal with that. i have decided that i need to become more self-aware. i spend alot of life never ever feeling anything. kinda like tonight. im not really in any mood. im just here. thats not cool! i want to feel more emotion in life. i dont really think about any certain things. i just let my mind wonder on useless things. i would really like to be able to sit down and just think things through and know how i feel about them. thats the new goal....learn how to use my head. Current Mood: i don't have a mood right now. Current Music: martin sexton (Comment on this)