02:24pm 16/07/2004
  If for some odd reason you're looking for me... I've moved over to Livejournal. Damn, I'm such a follower. Oh well. You can find me here:

Summer Schedule   
12:47pm 01/07/2004
mood: busy
music: Smile Empty Soul: Bottom of a Bottle
For my friends, just in case you wanted to know when I'm not home, here it is.
These are the dates I'm with my mom. I can still do stuff if something gets planned, just not so much the little things like going to the park and the movies.


July 8th (gone ?) through July 17th (home 4pm)
July 29nd (gone 10am) through August 9th (home 4pm)
August 19th (gone 10am) through August 26th (home 10am)

Yea, long chunks of time. Un poco loco. I'm hoping to throw something just before school starts, either the beginning of the week of the 15th in August, or around the 27th of August. Don't know. I'll see what I can work out.
My fucked up little world... and I laugh   
08:08pm 13/06/2004
mood: predatory
music: ironically.... The Smashing Pumpkins: Today
I suppose wanting to laugh my ass off isn't the appropriate response... Ha. Oh well. Kinda sad when the world around you gets so fucked up and all you see are images rewound and replayed. Really sad actually. She wants to send me away... make sure I have no inheritance (which, oddly enough, is none of her fucking choice, but w/e) ... and so forth and so on... but she's the one who goes around instigating fights (first conversation when I walk in the door? How my gs troop, which happens to be made up of my best friends has little respect for athority and doesn't do anything)... raising her voice, and slamming doors.
She tells me I'm becoming my brother... my brother is in college, is financially secure, and is a very intelligent person... exactly.
She'll probably start stealing shit out of my room again. $5 says the comp goes first. Oh well. She can't steal the things she can't see... Fuckers...
That sounded really bitter and kind of immature. Sorry about that. Just think, I vented it here, and said almost none of it to her (except the bit about the instigating.)
Holy shit I'm writing in this thing again.   
06:52pm 06/06/2004
mood: cynical
music: Modest Mouse: Float On
It's been so freaking long since I updated this journal...
Not that much seems different since my last update... The world sucks just as much. If not more. It's almost summer now, and I haven't a clue what I'm doing with myself for 2 months... aside from being shuffled between houses, that is.
April 19th, that was my last post... shit, it seems like so much longer ago. I remember the conversation I was referencing to though. It was a very nice conversation in hindsight though. I wish I had conversations with my friends like that these days. Anymore it's like we're all to tired/numb to say much, and if we do, it's usually false. My friends and I haven't exchanged more than a few sentences at a time for several weeks now. Except for the notebook... I swear sometimes that thing's a little... well, blessing isn't the right word, but it'll do, and now I'm fucking babbling. damn.
A friend asks me almost everyday in bio if I'm ok. I used to give her an emphatic 'yes, I'm fine,' but anyore I just turn away from her. Probably rude as hell, but I don't want to worry her, she's really a good person, and why tell someone about something that can't really be fixed? exactly.

One of my friends, I haven't spoken to in... I think it's been at least a month now. I got frustrated with the way she viewed the world... as revolving around her. That sounds cliche, but I haven't a clue how else to describe it. But reading what I've written now... I'm afriad it's what I've become. I hate that. But my lack of communication with her hasn't stopped me from worrying about her though, and what she could be doing to herself. Irony or karma I guess.

Last time something bad happened, I held myself accountable because it was poor foresight on my part. In hindsight I saw it all clearly... how quickly the defenses were up, as though something that shouldn't be relevant still was. I wasn't paying close enough attention. So now I know. I have to do better to look after my friends, because it's become painfully obvious that they won't do it themselves. Their failures would be because I haven't looked after them well enough. I'm not their mother... but if they won't do it, someone has to. These people are meant to become more than I'll probably ever be. This is the only thing I can think to do for them...
07:33pm 19/04/2004
  Ummm....yea. Didn't feel like making my last entry public, so yea. My friends, if you log in, you can see it.  
09:32pm 17/04/2004
  Do not worry child
And do not doubt
A few more drops
And it will all be gone
Your broken heart
No longer bleed
For now silence abounds

Do not fret
You're not alone
This is the place of everyone
And no one
And You

Be Patient
Do not rush now
This moment leads to eternity
The time is yours to take

Fear is fruitless
You go to be free
Embrace it
From this you fly

The crimson of now gives way
To the dark of the Styx
and the pale allure of Charon's hand becons.

"Charon" © Die 2004
Please don't pity my foolishness...   
09:15pm 14/04/2004
mood: pensive
music: H.I.M.- Join Me In Death
I know exactly what I'm going to do. Going to go out and buy myself a pair of fucking rose tinted glasses. That would fix everything... well, no. It wouldn't, but I can pretend it would. Tell everyone who asks me to take them off that I need them. Because anymore, I do. It's wearing thin... and a few rose petals might make the shelf life a little longer. Don't worry. I know it will spoil. Life, that is. Don't want anyone making any freaking assumtions... I only mean all of it.
Why can't I just go out into the rain and die? It would be so perfect, so wonderful... to just drift with the raindrops.

Yea... rose tinted glasses. That's what I'm gonna fucking do, damn it.

I know...assertive over something so pointless and trivial... but it's all I've got left...or at least it feels that way.
Holidays Suck (except for halloween)   
04:59pm 11/04/2004
  The next time my friends get together at someone's house we have to rent all three Matrix movies and watch them back to back to back. That would rock so much... Yea, sorry.

The world is bullshit. People undeservingly suffer every moment of every day, and yet there are those who will sing praises of a nonexistent saviour who supposedly died to prevent all of that. Bullshit. The only truth about easter is that it brings families together for dinner...and sometimes brunch. And that's about it.
     Read 1 - Post
Nothing makes sense yet through my eyes the world seems clearer than it was before...   
08:26pm 09/04/2004
mood: drained
music: this rockin' cd Z gave me
Today was allright. Went into Philly w/ Z to south street. Got a t-shirt that promotes the devil... isn't that special... I'm really curious as to the reaction of the people I know, teachers included, when I get back to school. Could be interesting. Don't know why though... I guess because I'm easily amused. That could be it. Look, I'm even fucking babbling to myself online.
Been thinking about the most random crap since I got back. Living...dying... things I want to do before I die (not all that exciting)... people who will live... people who want to die... my freinds... their problems that they don't deserve... things I don't deserve but am graced with anyway ... emotions ...love ...depression ....angst ...numbness ...but most recently the fact that I'm being narcissistic by even writing this. Been thinking that a lot. Like why anything I write should really matter anyway.
Read this good book a little while ago. The boyfriend in it is the closest thing to exactly the kind of guy I would want to have a relationship with. It's sad because I'm like... it's ok that he's a drug dealer... he not that bad of an addict... and he cares a lot aout his gf....
like I said...sad. Oh well, don't give a fuck.
Sorry this whole thing is so damnfucking fragmented, that's just the way I've been thinking. Maybe that's the problem... the inability to form a coherent thought and follow through w/ it for more than a second... though life is made up of only so many seconds...so many less than many others...fuck. Did it again.
Because you think silence will keep you safe...   
05:16pm 01/04/2004
mood: frustrated
So, without warning, everyone shuts each other off. It's a sorry attempt to protect themselves, under the guise of helping their friends be better off w/o them.

That's bullshit.

So your friends are ignored, brushed aside like so much shit. The friendships that have taken years to develop? They start to deteriorate in less than 24 hours.

But even in all your efforts to push us away... I hope you know we're never truly gone. You can block your friends, keep us out, ignore us entirely, but you can't turn us away. If you ever need us, we'll be there, ready to help. It's what friends do.
     Read 6 - Post
Forgive me this moment of weakness...   
10:45pm 25/03/2004
mood: contemplative
music: A Perfect Cirlce: The Outsider
Do you ever think that it's just not worth it anymore? That no matter what you do, nothing will change. We can't make people understand what they have never seen and will never know. How do you explain to a person what it's like to be screamed at, when they believe that a person speaking passionatley is them yelling? How do you tell them what it's like to have someone's hands around your throat, when they've never been laid a hand on? I'm not asking that every person has to expirience this. I wish the people who it's happened to didn't have to go through it. My only request would be that they have more consideration... that they wouldn't whine about the perils of their own lives... of which being verbally reprimanded about something trivial, not even to the point of truly yelling shouldn't be one.
I'm sorry... I don't mean to complain. I'm just as selfish, ignorant, and apathetic as the people I have just described.
I just want to know... how many scars are too many? When do you come to the conclusion that this is the last one? Either the one that will start a new life, or end it?
     Read 5 - Post
08:38pm 23/03/2004
mood: numb
music: Living End: Who's Gonna Save Us
Nostalgia is the most suffocating thing...
To remember what things were like in the past, before one was who they are now. I see moving pictures... but they aren't me. Not anymore. They tell me I'm teenage angst now. Great. Another label. Isn't that what we all are? A bunch of little while labels neatly organized for people to look at and know everthing there is to know about the person behind those words. Life is bullshit.
I retreat into my dreams... fell asleep in first period, whether for tiredness or for a lack of willingness to care about what was going on around me, I couldn't say. Yet I was giggly this afternoon. It was a cover. Whenever I'm that happy go lucky- it is. To cover a piercing bad sense. But it was apparently a good act. Got told something was wrong with me... I wasn't myself... being strange... etc. Like anyone knows me... especially those who said that. No one truly knows anyone else.

I remember reading somewhere that calling a person two faced is only an insult because we are all a thousand faced. People like to think they're deeper than they are. I am no exception, I'm sure. I don't know why that's in the front of my mind right now.

I tend to think that the more intense or frequent dreams become, the worse things are in the real world. Because really, dreams are an escape. The more we get away, the more we need to.
     Read 4 - Post
Follow the Leader   
08:18pm 13/03/2004
mood: sick
music: head...pounding...
Z is god. And god said to do this survey thing humwhat. Sounds like a plan to me. This is the survey, I didn't start it, just mindlessly played along.

Survey Part III

+Love and stuff+
First crush: don't care to recall
First kiss: I don't gossip
Single or attached?: attached to my head...which is attatched to my neck...which is attatched to my shoulders...
Ever been in love?: B- oh wait... real person? no
Do you believe in love at first sight? nope
Do you believe in "the one?": NEO!
Describe your ideal significant other: Batman

+Juicy stuff+
Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: yea
Have you ever been intoxicated?: not to a point of doing sth dumb
Favorite place to be kissed?: neck
Have you ever been caught"doing something”: by who? which something?
tease?: I don't think so
Shy to make the first move?: not if it's worth it
+Are you a+
Wuss: Not a word I'd use to describe myself
Druggy: I wouldn't say so
Daydreamer: Dreams are more real than life
Freak: what else would I be
Dork: I think I've been called it before
Bitch/Asshole: so I'm told
Brat: I should be drug out into the street and shot
Sarcastic: yes, tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic
Goody-goody: no
Devil: My lover.... but...if z's his love child... *shudder*
Shy: not usually, unless I don't trust them
Talkative: I hope not
Adventurous: I think so
Joker: don't think so
Flirty: I don't know, I get the distinct idea you're trying to label me...

Last book you read: a good one
Last movie you saw: saw shimp on the barbie on tv... (the one w/ cheech in it...)
Last thing you had to drink: la leche
Last time you showered: this morning
Last thing you ate: dinner
Last person you talked to on the phone: my mom :-D
Smoke?: no
Do drugs?: what kind are you implying?
Have sex?: not yet
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yes, and no, not telling.
Play an instrument?: I used to sing.
Believe there is life on other planets?: I think the aliens would be bothered if they knew that humans thought about them so much.
Remember your first love?: yes, my sharpie
Still love him/her: them. yes.
Read the newspaper?: on occasion
Have any gay or lesbian friends? not that I know of...
Believe in miracles?: they don't know is good enough for me
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: forever in what sense?
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: define 'tolerate'
Consider love a mistake?: what love?
Like the taste of alcohol?: like the taste? I guess... Think it's right? nope.
Have a favorite candy?: atomic fireballs/ candycanes
Believe in astrology?: as in exactly this will happen to you? no... but it's interesting I guess.
Believe in magic?: gotta be more specific than that.
Believe in god?: him? no
Have any pets: 5 dogs (between 2 houses) 1 cat, a chinchilla
Do well in school? hmmm.... well?...
Go to or plan to go to college: If I'm around, yea sure. Why not? Better to be educated, I suppose.
Have any piercings?: ears
Have any tattoos?: "tatoos are scars w/ ink..."
Hate yourself?: wtf do you think?
Have an obsession?: sharpies
Have a secret crush?: that's almost funny...no
Do they know yet?: that should be obvious
Collect anything?: sharpies...
Have a best friend?: No, no one should torture themselves w/ that
Close friends?: When I am of the mind to think that I deserve them
Wish on stars?: little balls of gas burning millions of miles away... (remember Pumba?)
Like your handwriting?: dosen't matter, all this shit it typed...
Care about looks?: No, I've accepted who I am, for better or worse...
Current mood: nauseous
Current music: Green Day- Time of Your Life
Current taste: ummm...
Current hair: dirty blonde
Current clothes: I rolled out of bed and that's the way I stayed
Current annoyance: everything... people who shouldn't be fucking around w/ their lives but are anyway.
Current smell: mix of gases that make up our atmosphere... I suppose. What kind of question is this?
Current thing I ought to be doing: shitload of bio...
Current windows open: blurty...
Current desktop picture: Batman
Current favorite band: Finger 11/ the lost prophets/ the living end
Most listened to: the voices inside my head
Current book: Of Mice and Men (not by choice...)
Current cds in stero: Korn: Follow the Leader
Current crush: Satan
Current favorite celeb: Johnny Depp
Current hate: me
Current job: hateful little child
I said that I was really bored...   
05:47pm 29/02/2004
mood: blah
music: 311- Lovesong
Darkness. You Truly Desire Darkness. You wish
everyone around you was either dead, or
worshipping you. To you, life is not a gift,
but a punishment. You have no consideration for
others and do as you please.


What Do You Truly Desire? *PICS*
brought to you by Quizilla

Dark Lady
Darkness? Either you've entirely given up on
happiness, or you are committed to seeking it
in the numb silence of darkness. Chances are,
you're a depressed cynic who is sensitive
underneath that dark exterior. Just make sure
to keep up some form of self-expression to
balance yourself out and keep yourself from
doing something you might regret. I wish you
luck. I would also appreciate it if you would
rate my test.

How do you seek fulfillment in life? (for girls) [with pics I found]
brought to you by Quizilla

Your a Dark Angel...and hey, you probably knew it.
Dark angel are in truth, very malicious, but a
sign of one also is very sad. Dark Angel all
used to be pure angels, but something went very
wrong with their life. Either it was the
sudden, murder of a loved one, betrayl, or pure
torture to them, dark angels have commited
their life to Satan himself. They are silent,
and their wings are dark black feathers, or
blood red. Dark Angels appear when there is
someone dying, or a murder. If you see one, it
means the death of a loved one is expected.
Dark Angels cannot actually harm a human, but
they love to see the suffering of one.

What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

You are guided by darkness. Chances are you are
depressed, or you just always see things in a
negative point of view. You sit back and take
everything in. You are the gentle giant. But
one day you will snap.

What force is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla

^snap? Snap...crackle...pop? hmmm...

Bored as shit after Maple Sugaring...   
12:34pm 29/02/2004
mood: aggravated
music: Beck- Where It's At
Random crap...

you suck, and that's sad
you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

^that's freakishly true...

You are Form 8, Demon: The Destroyer.

"And The Demon took advantage of the chaos
and seized civillization. With grace and
style, Demon slit The Goddess's belly and
drowned the world in her blood. The Goddess,
The Demon, and the world were no

Some examples of the Demon Form are Seth (Egyptian)
and The Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Christian).
The Demon is associated with the concept of
destruction, the number 8, and the element of
His sign is the full moon.

As a member of Form 8, you are a very strong willed
individual. You don't let others' opinions
sway your own and you're usually not afraid to
speak your mind. However, some may see you as
a bit overly passionate but it's just because
you never back down from your values. No
matter what, you always do everything with
style. Demons are the best friends to have
because they will back you up.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

^not sure that's right... but I'm a freak so w/e
     Read 7 - Post
I just want to vanish...   
08:31pm 23/02/2004
mood: distressed
music: Finger 11: One Thing
I hate this. Every moment, ever second. It's lies, false, faltering realities that refuse to stay in place. Why are you always the exception to your own damn rules? Yea, my fam is so wonderful. I actually got back from tae kwon do feeling wonderful, I had a really good time in class, working hard and giving it my all, and it actually being almost acceptable. Well...it was an environment where improvement is expected. Then I walked through the fucking door...hate that bitch. *sigh* I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to listen to me, yet I continue to type. I am greatful for my friends. I'd be even more fucked up without them.
But it's ok. It's all ok. I can cope, I can adjust. There just may be a few scars. And they'll have to deal with that.
How many times have I sat on the floor crying, because you can trample me, so that I'm not living or dying.

I'm not bitter. Not one fucking bit.
     Read 6 - Post
I just want to vanish...   
08:17pm 23/02/2004
mood: distressed
music: Finger 11: One Thing
I hate this. Every moment, ever second. It's lies, false, faltering realities that refuse to stay in place. Why are you always the exception to your own damn rules? Yea, my fam is so wonderful. I actually got back from tae kwon do feeling wonderful, I had a really good time in class, working hard and giving it my all, and it actually being almost acceptable. Well...it was an environment where improvement is expected. Then I walked through the fucking door...hate that bitch. *sigh* I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to listen to me, yet I continue to type. I am greatful for my friends. I'd be even more fucked up without them.
But it's ok. It's all ok. I can cope, I can adjust. There just may be a few scars. And they'll have to deal with that.
How many times have I sat on the floor crying, because you can trample me, so that I'm not living or dying.

I'm not bitter. Not one fucking bit.
To my Friends...   
04:42pm 20/02/2004
mood: tired
music: the sound of the silent breeze
I just wanted to tell you guys that you rock. You're so wonderful to be my friends. I was having a really kind of odd day today, thanks for putting up with my sorry ass. Z, sorry I couldn't help out more w/ GS. I hope it went all right for you guys. Sunny... I hope I didn't embarass you too much... but hey, I got you to smile! And laugh a little, too. If I have to make a fool out of myself in front of a lot of people to achieve that, then I will. Though I think my reputation of being a fairly somber person is going to hell though. Oh well, I really don't care what they think. I just worry about you guys. You all know that if there's anything I can ever do, let me know... I feel like I'm not doing enough to ease the burden of your lives.
Z, I think your methods have rubbed off on me. The whole, pretend that life is wonderful thing... thinking about what I've been doing, that could be described as it. Kinda sad.
No matter how many times I say it, I'll never believe it... but maybe you guys will, you'd be so much better for it.
     Read 12 - Post
Saint Valentine's Day   
11:40am 14/02/2004
mood: groggy
music: Hoobastank- The Reason
Hoobastank Lyrics
The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

That's a nice song. Wish I had a reason to think so, but I don't. It's sweet, and extraordinarily unrealistic. How annoying. It is, too. The likelyhood of ever finding that one person? Ummm...no. Guess why over half the marriages today end in divorce?

"If you see a fork in the road, go straight"
-scion commercial
I thought that was interesting...because should you go straight at a fork in the road, you'll likely walk into a tree. There's usually a reason that the road pavers didn't make the road go straight, and it is usually a large, blunt object.

Oh, right. Valentine's day. Hmmm... life is so predictable. That things should happen the way they do, at the time they do, and let's not forget with or without whom they do. Interesting, as always.
Since it is a holiday, if it were to be perfect, you know what I'd want?
I'd want to go to NYC, spend the night in a hotel, one that is easily snuck out of. Sneak out in the middle of the night, and just go wandering, enjoying the depth of the night. Since we're dreaming here... While outside, I would meet another wanderer. Close to my age (a bit older works too) and handsome. He shares my adoration for the night, and we walk it together, talking about anything and everything all at once. To soon it becomes apparent that dawn is coming, and he offers to walk me back. On our way, we watch the sunrise together. Reaching our destination, we exchange phone numbers, (via my handy sharpie and an arm, of course) and promise to meet again. After exchanging a kiss we part, and I sneak back inside, my travelling comrades oblivious to my adventure.
Wow. How shitty was that... I'm debating deleting the whole thing...
No, I guess I won't. I wasted the time to type it, after all. Senseless dreaming. Not even as good as my other worldy designs. Oh well. None of it will ever happen anyway. There, that was my little valentine's day story. Have fun with that one. Yea, that would be the cow in the herd that's Mad. You might want to stay away from me.
     Read 3 - Post
Don't read if your sensitive to whining. b/c I am a whiny little bitch   
09:35pm 12/02/2004
mood: pissed off
music: Rage Against The Machine: Killing In The Name
Now I'm almost certain she's doing this just to piss me off...really, really badly. We go to wawa to get little brother food for ski trip. Fun, what the hell ever. I'm sitting in the car, I turn on the radio. It's still on when she gets back in. @ the gas station, she tells me she wished I would ask her before turning on the radio, because it isn't mine. I told her that I had done it while she was in the wawa. Still, she says, she wished I had asked. I told her she wasn't there TO ask. What does she say? That I could have asked before she went in, waited til after she came back, or gone into the store to ask her. Now think about that one for a moment. Going into the fucking convenience store, looking for her, all to ask permission to turn on the fucking radio. And in this case, the fucking radio isn't fucking her's either, it's a fucking rental car.
I'm really sorry... Just wanted to get that out...
I'm seriously wondering if that sounds as retarded to anyone else as it does to me.

I know the whole thing sounds really trivial... and i know I'm a whiny little brat...
but right now it's 9:42 at night, and I've been dealing w/ her nonstop since I got home from school...(3:10)
So yea, feeling a bit....is impatient the word?
     Read 7 - Post