| 02:24pm 16/07/2004 | |||
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If for some odd reason you're looking for me... I've moved over to Livejournal. Damn, I'm such a follower. Oh well. You can find me here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/bloodintherain/ Thanks. |
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| Summer Schedule | ||||
| 12:47pm 01/07/2004 | ||||
These are the dates I'm with my mom. I can still do stuff if something gets planned, just not so much the little things like going to the park and the movies. Gone: July 8th (gone ?) through July 17th (home 4pm) July 29nd (gone 10am) through August 9th (home 4pm) August 19th (gone 10am) through August 26th (home 10am) Yea, long chunks of time. Un poco loco. I'm hoping to throw something just before school starts, either the beginning of the week of the 15th in August, or around the 27th of August. Don't know. I'll see what I can work out. |
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busy| My fucked up little world... and I laugh | ||||
| 08:08pm 13/06/2004 | ||||
She tells me I'm becoming my brother... my brother is in college, is financially secure, and is a very intelligent person... exactly. She'll probably start stealing shit out of my room again. $5 says the comp goes first. Oh well. She can't steal the things she can't see... Fuckers... That sounded really bitter and kind of immature. Sorry about that. Just think, I vented it here, and said almost none of it to her (except the bit about the instigating.) |
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predatory| Holy shit I'm writing in this thing again. | ||||
| 06:52pm 06/06/2004 | ||||
Not that much seems different since my last update... The world sucks just as much. If not more. It's almost summer now, and I haven't a clue what I'm doing with myself for 2 months... aside from being shuffled between houses, that is. April 19th, that was my last post... shit, it seems like so much longer ago. I remember the conversation I was referencing to though. It was a very nice conversation in hindsight though. I wish I had conversations with my friends like that these days. Anymore it's like we're all to tired/numb to say much, and if we do, it's usually false. My friends and I haven't exchanged more than a few sentences at a time for several weeks now. Except for the notebook... I swear sometimes that thing's a little... well, blessing isn't the right word, but it'll do, and now I'm fucking babbling. damn. A friend asks me almost everyday in bio if I'm ok. I used to give her an emphatic 'yes, I'm fine,' but anyore I just turn away from her. Probably rude as hell, but I don't want to worry her, she's really a good person, and why tell someone about something that can't really be fixed? exactly. One of my friends, I haven't spoken to in... I think it's been at least a month now. I got frustrated with the way she viewed the world... as revolving around her. That sounds cliche, but I haven't a clue how else to describe it. But reading what I've written now... I'm afriad it's what I've become. I hate that. But my lack of communication with her hasn't stopped me from worrying about her though, and what she could be doing to herself. Irony or karma I guess. Last time something bad happened, I held myself accountable because it was poor foresight on my part. In hindsight I saw it all clearly... how quickly the defenses were up, as though something that shouldn't be relevant still was. I wasn't paying close enough attention. So now I know. I have to do better to look after my friends, because it's become painfully obvious that they won't do it themselves. Their failures would be because I haven't looked after them well enough. I'm not their mother... but if they won't do it, someone has to. These people are meant to become more than I'll probably ever be. This is the only thing I can think to do for them... |
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cynical| Bah | |||
| 07:33pm 19/04/2004 | |||
| Ummm....yea. Didn't feel like making my last entry public, so yea. My friends, if you log in, you can see it. | |||
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| Charon | |||
| 09:32pm 17/04/2004 | |||
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Do not worry child And do not doubt A few more drops And it will all be gone Your broken heart No longer bleed For now silence abounds Do not fret You're not alone This is the place of everyone And no one And You Be Patient Do not rush now This moment leads to eternity The time is yours to take Fear is fruitless You go to be free Embrace it From this you fly The crimson of now gives way To the dark of the Styx and the pale allure of Charon's hand becons. "Charon" © Die 2004 |
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| Please don't pity my foolishness... | ||||
| 09:15pm 14/04/2004 | ||||
Why can't I just go out into the rain and die? It would be so perfect, so wonderful... to just drift with the raindrops. Yea... rose tinted glasses. That's what I'm gonna fucking do, damn it. I know...assertive over something so pointless and trivial... but it's all I've got left...or at least it feels that way. |
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pensive| Holidays Suck (except for halloween) | |||
| 04:59pm 11/04/2004 | |||
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The next time my friends get together at someone's house we have to rent all three Matrix movies and watch them back to back to back. That would rock so much... Yea, sorry. The world is bullshit. People undeservingly suffer every moment of every day, and yet there are those who will sing praises of a nonexistent saviour who supposedly died to prevent all of that. Bullshit. The only truth about easter is that it brings families together for dinner...and sometimes brunch. And that's about it. |
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| Nothing makes sense yet through my eyes the world seems clearer than it was before... | ||||
| 08:26pm 09/04/2004 | ||||
Been thinking about the most random crap since I got back. Living...dying... things I want to do before I die (not all that exciting)... people who will live... people who want to die... my freinds... their problems that they don't deserve... things I don't deserve but am graced with anyway ... emotions ...love ...depression ....angst ...numbness ...but most recently the fact that I'm being narcissistic by even writing this. Been thinking that a lot. Like why anything I write should really matter anyway. Read this good book a little while ago. The boyfriend in it is the closest thing to exactly the kind of guy I would want to have a relationship with. It's sad because I'm like... it's ok that he's a drug dealer... he not that bad of an addict... and he cares a lot aout his gf.... like I said...sad. Oh well, don't give a fuck. Sorry this whole thing is so damnfucking fragmented, that's just the way I've been thinking. Maybe that's the problem... the inability to form a coherent thought and follow through w/ it for more than a second... though life is made up of only so many seconds...so many less than many others...fuck. Did it again. |
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drained| Because you think silence will keep you safe... | ||||
| 05:16pm 01/04/2004 | ||||
That's bullshit. So your friends are ignored, brushed aside like so much shit. The friendships that have taken years to develop? They start to deteriorate in less than 24 hours. But even in all your efforts to push us away... I hope you know we're never truly gone. You can block your friends, keep us out, ignore us entirely, but you can't turn us away. If you ever need us, we'll be there, ready to help. It's what friends do. |
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frustrated| Forgive me this moment of weakness... | ||||
| 10:45pm 25/03/2004 | ||||
I'm sorry... I don't mean to complain. I'm just as selfish, ignorant, and apathetic as the people I have just described. I just want to know... how many scars are too many? When do you come to the conclusion that this is the last one? Either the one that will start a new life, or end it? |
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| 08:38pm 23/03/2004 | ||||
To remember what things were like in the past, before one was who they are now. I see moving pictures... but they aren't me. Not anymore. They tell me I'm teenage angst now. Great. Another label. Isn't that what we all are? A bunch of little while labels neatly organized for people to look at and know everthing there is to know about the person behind those words. Life is bullshit. I retreat into my dreams... fell asleep in first period, whether for tiredness or for a lack of willingness to care about what was going on around me, I couldn't say. Yet I was giggly this afternoon. It was a cover. Whenever I'm that happy go lucky- it is. To cover a piercing bad sense. But it was apparently a good act. Got told something was wrong with me... I wasn't myself... being strange... etc. Like anyone knows me... especially those who said that. No one truly knows anyone else. I remember reading somewhere that calling a person two faced is only an insult because we are all a thousand faced. People like to think they're deeper than they are. I am no exception, I'm sure. I don't know why that's in the front of my mind right now. I tend to think that the more intense or frequent dreams become, the worse things are in the real world. Because really, dreams are an escape. The more we get away, the more we need to. |
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numb| Follow the Leader | ||||
| 08:18pm 13/03/2004 | ||||
Survey Part III +Love and stuff+ First crush: don't care to recall First kiss: I don't gossip Single or attached?: attached to my head...which is attatched to my neck...which is attatched to my shoulders... Ever been in love?: B- oh wait... real person? no Do you believe in love at first sight? nope Do you believe in "the one?": NEO! Describe your ideal significant other: Batman +Juicy stuff+ Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?: yea Have you ever been intoxicated?: not to a point of doing sth dumb Favorite place to be kissed?: neck Have you ever been caught"doing something”: by who? which something? tease?: I don't think so Shy to make the first move?: not if it's worth it +Are you a+ Wuss: Not a word I'd use to describe myself Druggy: I wouldn't say so Daydreamer: Dreams are more real than life Freak: what else would I be Dork: I think I've been called it before Bitch/Asshole: so I'm told Brat: I should be drug out into the street and shot Sarcastic: yes, tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic Goody-goody: no Devil: My lover.... but...if z's his love child... *shudder* Shy: not usually, unless I don't trust them Talkative: I hope not Adventurous: I think so Joker: don't think so Flirty: I don't know, I get the distinct idea you're trying to label me... Last book you read: a good one Last movie you saw: saw shimp on the barbie on tv... (the one w/ cheech in it...) Last thing you had to drink: la leche Last time you showered: this morning Last thing you ate: dinner Last person you talked to on the phone: my mom :-D Smoke?: no Do drugs?: what kind are you implying? Have sex?: not yet Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yes, and no, not telling. Play an instrument?: I used to sing. Believe there is life on other planets?: I think the aliens would be bothered if they knew that humans thought about them so much. Remember your first love?: yes, my sharpie Still love him/her: them. yes. Read the newspaper?: on occasion Have any gay or lesbian friends? not that I know of... Believe in miracles?: they don't know is good enough for me Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: forever in what sense? Consider yourself tolerant of others?: define 'tolerate' Consider love a mistake?: what love? Like the taste of alcohol?: like the taste? I guess... Think it's right? nope. Have a favorite candy?: atomic fireballs/ candycanes Believe in astrology?: as in exactly this will happen to you? no... but it's interesting I guess. Believe in magic?: gotta be more specific than that. Believe in god?: him? no Have any pets: 5 dogs (between 2 houses) 1 cat, a chinchilla Do well in school? hmmm.... well?... Go to or plan to go to college: If I'm around, yea sure. Why not? Better to be educated, I suppose. Have any piercings?: ears Have any tattoos?: "tatoos are scars w/ ink..." Hate yourself?: wtf do you think? Have an obsession?: sharpies Have a secret crush?: that's almost funny...no Do they know yet?: that should be obvious Collect anything?: sharpies... Have a best friend?: No, no one should torture themselves w/ that Close friends?: When I am of the mind to think that I deserve them Wish on stars?: little balls of gas burning millions of miles away... (remember Pumba?) Like your handwriting?: dosen't matter, all this shit it typed... Care about looks?: No, I've accepted who I am, for better or worse... Current mood: nauseous Current music: Green Day- Time of Your Life Current taste: ummm... Current hair: dirty blonde Current clothes: I rolled out of bed and that's the way I stayed Current annoyance: everything... people who shouldn't be fucking around w/ their lives but are anyway. Current smell: mix of gases that make up our atmosphere... I suppose. What kind of question is this? Current thing I ought to be doing: shitload of bio... Current windows open: blurty... Current desktop picture: Batman Current favorite band: Finger 11/ the lost prophets/ the living end Most listened to: the voices inside my head Current book: Of Mice and Men (not by choice...) Current cds in stero: Korn: Follow the Leader Current crush: Satan Current favorite celeb: Johnny Depp Current hate: me Current job: hateful little child |
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sick| I said that I was really bored... | ||||
| 05:47pm 29/02/2004 | ||||
 Darkness. You Truly Desire Darkness. You wish everyone around you was either dead, or worshipping you. To you, life is not a gift, but a punishment. You have no consideration for others and do as you please. PLEASE RATE |
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blah
| Bored as shit after Maple Sugaring... | ||||
| 12:34pm 29/02/2004 | ||||
 you are the "you suck, and that's sad" happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit brutal. which happy bunny are you? brought to you by Quizilla  As if you were born into a world of tears, you always tend to look at the darker things in life. Inside you crave attention yet push away society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn to things like the occult and mysteries, you spend your time daydreaming. What Type of Soul Do You Have ? brought to you by Quizilla ^that's freakishly true...  You are Form 8, Demon: The Destroyer. "And The Demon took advantage of the chaos and seized civillization. With grace and style, Demon slit The Goddess's belly and drowned the world in her blood. The Goddess, The Demon, and the world were no more." Some examples of the Demon Form are Seth (Egyptian) and The Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Christian). The Demon is associated with the concept of destruction, the number 8, and the element of earth. His sign is the full moon. As a member of Form 8, you are a very strong willed individual. You don't let others' opinions sway your own and you're usually not afraid to speak your mind. However, some may see you as a bit overly passionate but it's just because you never back down from your values. No matter what, you always do everything with style. Demons are the best friends to have because they will back you up. Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by Quizilla ^not sure that's right... but I'm a freak so w/e |
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| I just want to vanish... | ||||
| 08:31pm 23/02/2004 | ||||
But it's ok. It's all ok. I can cope, I can adjust. There just may be a few scars. And they'll have to deal with that. How many times have I sat on the floor crying, because you can trample me, so that I'm not living or dying. I'm not bitter. Not one fucking bit. |
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distressed| I just want to vanish... | ||||
| 08:17pm 23/02/2004 | ||||
But it's ok. It's all ok. I can cope, I can adjust. There just may be a few scars. And they'll have to deal with that. How many times have I sat on the floor crying, because you can trample me, so that I'm not living or dying. I'm not bitter. Not one fucking bit. |
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| To my Friends... | ||||
| 04:42pm 20/02/2004 | ||||
Z, I think your methods have rubbed off on me. The whole, pretend that life is wonderful thing... thinking about what I've been doing, that could be described as it. Kinda sad. No matter how many times I say it, I'll never believe it... but maybe you guys will, you'd be so much better for it. |
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| Saint Valentine's Day | ||||
| 11:40am 14/02/2004 | ||||
The Reason I'm not a perfect person As many things I wish I didn't do But I continue learning I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I'm sorry that I hurt you It's something I must live with everyday And all the pain I put you through I wish that I could take it all away And be the one who catches all your tears Thats why i need you to hear I've found a resaon for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is You [x4] I'm not a perfect person I never meant to do those things to you And so I have to say before I go That I just want you to know I've found a reason for me To change who I used to be A reason to start over new and the reason is you I've found a reason to show A side of me you didn't know A reason for all that I do And the reason is you That's a nice song. Wish I had a reason to think so, but I don't. It's sweet, and extraordinarily unrealistic. How annoying. It is, too. The likelyhood of ever finding that one person? Ummm...no. Guess why over half the marriages today end in divorce? "If you see a fork in the road, go straight" -scion commercial I thought that was interesting...because should you go straight at a fork in the road, you'll likely walk into a tree. There's usually a reason that the road pavers didn't make the road go straight, and it is usually a large, blunt object. Oh, right. Valentine's day. Hmmm... life is so predictable. That things should happen the way they do, at the time they do, and let's not forget with or without whom they do. Interesting, as always. Since it is a holiday, if it were to be perfect, you know what I'd want? I'd want to go to NYC, spend the night in a hotel, one that is easily snuck out of. Sneak out in the middle of the night, and just go wandering, enjoying the depth of the night. Since we're dreaming here... While outside, I would meet another wanderer. Close to my age (a bit older works too) and handsome. He shares my adoration for the night, and we walk it together, talking about anything and everything all at once. To soon it becomes apparent that dawn is coming, and he offers to walk me back. On our way, we watch the sunrise together. Reaching our destination, we exchange phone numbers, (via my handy sharpie and an arm, of course) and promise to meet again. After exchanging a kiss we part, and I sneak back inside, my travelling comrades oblivious to my adventure. Wow. How shitty was that... I'm debating deleting the whole thing... No, I guess I won't. I wasted the time to type it, after all. Senseless dreaming. Not even as good as my other worldy designs. Oh well. None of it will ever happen anyway. There, that was my little valentine's day story. Have fun with that one. Yea, that would be the cow in the herd that's Mad. You might want to stay away from me. |
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groggy| Don't read if your sensitive to whining. b/c I am a whiny little bitch | ||||
| 09:35pm 12/02/2004 | ||||
I'm really sorry... Just wanted to get that out... I'm seriously wondering if that sounds as retarded to anyone else as it does to me. I know the whole thing sounds really trivial... and i know I'm a whiny little brat... but right now it's 9:42 at night, and I've been dealing w/ her nonstop since I got home from school...(3:10) So yea, feeling a bit....is impatient the word? |
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diediedied |
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Friends Info Calendar Gotham at Night |
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