Dianna's Journal

Monday, May 2, 2005

2:26AM - my weekend/lack of sleep/stupid resumes

This weekend ended up being pretty good. Friday I went down to kitchener for my sister's birthday. My whole family ended up getting really drunk and havign a dance party... My mum was passed out on the couch by midnight. My sister's and I decided to go to the bars. My stepbrother got denied because he was too drunk. So, we decided we'd walk to some bar called Phil's. Ended up going through a huge treck through a forest to get there.... IN STILETTOS! Not one of my finest moments. Eventually we just gave up, got some pizza and went back to my mum's house to crash. Saturday night I ended up going to call the office with my friend mirit and jessica lee. It was an awesome show... Granted I felt like a bit of an alcoholic drinking a pitcher to myself as the other girls don't drink. But what can ya do?!!! Afterwards I went back to Mirits... ate koshur chips for the first time and some matzah pizza... then I went downstairs, watched 'the skulls' for a while and went to bed. I should be in bed right now for goodness sakes... but I'm kind of hoping curtis will come online soon (once he gets home from 80's night)...
So... it's now 2:26am... I have to drive my dog to the dog groomer at 8am... So, I'll be lucky if I get 5 hours sleep tonight... I'm planning on handing out 20+ resumes tomorrow, and I know if I don't get a good nights sleep, there's no way I'm going to be up for it... I hate the entire resume process... I wish I could just call a couple places and BOOOOM I'm hired...
Anyways... I give up, I've lost my patience for staying online. Who knows, maybe tomorrow will end up being a good day after all...

Current mood: exhausted
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Friday, April 29, 2005

4:54PM - today... gah....

I didn't wake up until 2:30 today, cause Curt came over last night and we didn't go to bed until 6:30 in the morning... now I have to go get ready and go all the fucking way to Kitchener for "family time". Oh Joy. The only way kitchener is bearable is because normally everyone gets drunk... but I'm not even in the mood for a single drink after last night and the abundance of beer. So tonight should just be a pocket full of a fun. All I want to do is curl up in my warm water bed with a book and stay there all night. It was soooo good to have a guy to cuddle with last night. I missed that. I missed the security of having a man's arms around me, or having someone to rest my head on while I'm watching a movie... I missed the sensation of having someone brush the hair out of my face and tuck it behind my ear. GAH, I missed it all!!! I really do think I should become a pimp, except instead of my "workers" performing sexual acts... they'd get payed to cuddle someone. Because, deep down, when someone is single the thing that everyone always says they miss the most (yep, guys too) is the cuddling. Who needs a prostitute when you can masturbate? But, you can't cuddle yourself... well you can try, but it's pretty damn crappy and after about 2 seconds you realize that you look like a fool.

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4:45PM - Who Will Cry For The Little Child?

Who will cry for the little child,
who stands before you?
Who will cry for the little child,
who was abandoned from the womb?
Who will cry for the little child,
who’s never known a home?
Who will cry for the little child,
who was never kissed goodnight?
Who will cry for the little child,
who cries herself to sleep?
Who will cry for the little child,
who walks every step alone?
Who will cry for the little child,
who tries so hard to be good?
Who will cry for the little child,
who is beaten black and blue?
Who will cry for the little child,
who knows nothing but rain?
Who will cry for the little child,
who’s heart is in pieces?
Who will cry for the little child,
who’s so far out of reach?
Who will cry for the little child,
who cries inside of me?

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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

5:44PM - A Little About Moi

1. What time did you get up this morning? auh... 1:30 in the afternoon...

2. Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Oh my gosh... I don't even know if I can remember this one... I think Team America?

4. What is your favorite TV show? The Contender lol. I love Sly.

5. What did you have for breakfast? I skipped breakfast and had a salad... I know, it's fascinating.

6. What is your middle name? Joy

7. What is your favorite food? My Dad's stuffing with Gravy... Auh, I'm salivating just thinking about it!

8. What foods do you dislike? Peaches when they're still hairy

9. What is your favorite chip flavor? Sour Cream & Onion if they're ruffles. Regular if they're any other brand. It sounds rediculous... but Ruffles are the only ones who make good Sour Cream & Onion chips... The ripples in the chip are just perfect!!!

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? Probably still my Alexisonfire CD

11. What kind of car do you drive? A 1990 Jetta baby!!! It's pretty pimping.. with it's purple tinted windows and all.

12. Favorite sandwich? I'm not a big sandwich fan... But a Clubhouse I suppose?

13. What characteristic do you despise? incompetance, ignorance, jealousy, low self-esteem, people who just give up, whiners... I can go on?

14. Favorite item of clothing? sweatpants I found in my room from my friend Alex. They are the largest, softest, most comfortable thing I have ever discovered.

15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Thailand

16. What color is your bathroom? White with burgundy, gold and marble accents.

17. Favorite brand of clothing? I'm not really into one brand. I guess Parasuco.

18. Where would you retire to? Hopefully somewhere Tropical.

19. Favorite time of the day? Twilight

20. What was your most memorable birthday? My 5th Birthday. We were in New Zealand, and my whole family did a walking maraton on my birthday, and at the end a big annoucement was made, and I was presented with a birthday cake. I remember just feeling so special and my Dad kneeled by my side, holding the birthday cake down low so I could blow out the candles.

21. Where were you born? St. Joseph's Hospital - London, Ontario.

22. Favorite sport to watch?
Individual Sport - Boxing
Team Sport - Hockey

23. Biggest Fear? You mean besides spiders and any other insect? Probably not being successful.

24. What fabric detergent do you use? Tide Lemon Fresh

25. Coke or Pepsi? Coke

26. Are you a morning person or a night owl? A night owl.

27. What is your shoe size? 7.5

28. Do you have any pets? Two Dogs: Chesterfield Sunset and Buddy.

29. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with our family & friends? I'm beautiful... But you guys already know that one. If I had exciting news, I don't think I'd say it through this.

30. What did you want to be when you were little? An astronaut. I'd always lie outside on my trampoline and nightime and just stare up at the sky imagining being up there. No matter where you go in life, the stars are always there. I think I craved that kind of permanency when I was a kid.

31. Do you have any children? Yes, Motza... but I disowned him because he was ugly.

32. What's your favorite holiday? Christmas.

33. What's your favorite day of the week? Fridays

34. Ice Cream or Cake? Neither

35. Entree or Desert? Entree

36. Escargot or Shrimp? Escargot

37. Love or Lust? Love

38. Shy or Outgoing? Shy

39. Half-empty or Half-full? Half-full

40. Nurture or nature? Nurture

41. Shorts or Skirt? Skirt

42. Land or Sea? Sea

43. Alive or Dead? Alive... what kind of question is this?!

44. Piercings? Ears and Navel

45. Tattoos? One, on my left shoulder blade

46. Favorite Book? Slaughterhouse-Five... "So it goes"

47. Favorite Movie? The Original 'King and I' with Yul Brynner

48. Sexiest Man? Yul Brynner

49. Sexiest Woman? Me

50. Deep or Dark? Deep

51. Big or Small? Come on, everyone knows bigger is better.

52. Rain makes you feel? Nostalgic

53. Sunshine makes you feel? Alive

54. Light Clouds make you feel? Whimsical

55. Dark Clouds make you feel? Lonely

56. LASTLY, why are you doing this? I'm bored...

Current music: Kyle's #2
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6:16AM - Is a kiss just a kiss?... My rockstar and my rock.

The second most important man in my life is my rockstar and my rock. aka. curtis. He's my superhero I guess you could say. Sometimes when it'd be nice for him to be there, he's no where to be found... but whenever tragedy strikes... whenever I really need someone to be there, he's there in an instant. He's been one of the only people I could open up to. He's this amazing man, who's a rockstar at heart, but who's heart couldn't be farther away from rock. He's one of the only men I know who can put me in my place by telling me to "Shut up" (when I need to) and yet he'll bring me chicken noodle soup in a thermos when I'm sick. He can make me laugh, he can make me cry. Lord knows we've had a million ups and downs, yet there's a permanency and consistancy about our relationship. I don't have to be anyone but myself around him. Last night, he invited me (more told me) to the bar to celebrate him being done exams. As he introduced me to each one of his friends, it consistantly came up "Oh!!! You're Dianna. I've heard so much about you". In front of all of his friends he kept saying how, besides his mother, I was the only woman he cared about. I love that about him. I love that he wouldn't for a second consider being anyone else... and then this girl came up to him... this skinny... gorgeous... girl... and in front of everyone she started talking about how "Curtis is a pimp, he took my virginity" blah blah blah. And then the oddest emotion came over me. I felt Jealousy towards this semi-obnoxious, overly flirtacious, stick of a woman. I hardly ever experience jealousy. And jealousy towards a friend's ex girlfriend? I don't get it!!! It's rediculous. Which makes me wonder: Is he just my rockstar friend? When he bent over and kissed my head last night, was that just as a friend? When I brag about him at every occasion, is that simply because I admire him and am proud of him?OR deep down, do I think that my rockstar and my rock, could be the man I've always needed? Could deep down I want my rockstar to be my boyfriend? Is a kiss just a kiss? I wish I knew.

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5:48AM - Objective

Some people say it is hard to describe yourself, your life, your personality. How many times have you heard people struggle to simply find three adjectives to describe themselves? I know there was a time when I too struggled to find three adjectives. My inhibitions got in the way of the truth, I was scared to sound over-confident or vain. I no longer struggle to find these three adjectives, nor do I struggle to find twenty or thirty. If anything, I struggle to stop listing my traits. If I can one day look back upon my life, and know that the world saw me for me, I will be happy. If I can one day look back upon my life, and know that the world saw every line on my hand, every wrinkle, every emotion, every thought, than it will be a life well lived. I suppose this journal is a start. I've struggled my entire life to show emotion. I remember when I was a child my mother used to sing me this song. I still remember the lyrics:
"Smile though your heart is acheing/Smile even though it's breaking/when there are clouds in the sky/you'll get by if you smile/through your tears and sorrow/smile and maybe tomorrow/you'll find that life will be worthwhile/if you just light up your face with gladness/hide every trace of sadness/although a tear may be ever so near/that's the time you must keep on trying/smile what's the use of crying?"
Those words seem so powerful to me. This song although on the surface may seem optimistic clearly sends the message that one should hide their feelings. I can not blame my fear of showing vulnerability upon a song. But, I do believe I was raised with the state of mind that crying showed weakness. I hope that through this journal, I will slowly break down that mentality. I hope that through this journal, I will slowly unlock all those doors I've kept hidden from the world. I hope that through this journal, I may find my voice. I hope that through this journal I will learn to cry for the young child who cries inside of me.

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