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Friday, December 5th, 2003
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12:47 am - //Emotion Driven Fire\\
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Today went alright. I am really annoyed though, I mean really annoyed. I'm not quite sure why either. I managed to wake up at around 3:00 PM CST today, really late for me. Oh well, I can't say I'm not surprised, I only go to bed at 3:30 in the morning, sometimes 4:00 AM every day.
It is no wonder I'm so tired half the time. Martin has been trying to keep from annoying and irritating me lately. It's kinda nice, really. I have to remind myself to thank him more often. Role plays are getting to me again.
I want to quit every one of them because they are so annoying, yet, I can't seem to do it. Great Ebony Realm is dead, and I'm going to have to understand that, but for some ungodly reason, I keep it up. Possibly because if I don't, it'll force me to think about the real world, which I would prefer not to do right now. For some time, the internet in general has been a great gateway for me. It allows me to stop everything and focus on something totally unreal for quite a few hours.
I want to redo my homepage again. I need to make it less default and cluttered. That is going to take so long, I'm probably going to have to pull it down for a few days while I work on it. I might make the layout something like Echcha Drasam was/is. I don't know though, I kinda want to work with IFrames this time, just to see how it works out.
I have a good layout in mind, I just need to put all my links up on it. I can't imagine starting work on that stupid page. Not that I'm surprised, I have a tendency to never be satisfied with my pages after a month or so, which is kinda irritating for not only me, but those around me. My knee hurts, did I mention that? I hate allergies, they make me sick (no pun intended).
I wish I didn't have the temper I did, and I wish when I talked to someone I didn't feel so stupid. I was right though, you piss off one member of my family, and you're in for it. That's how it works, right? Why do I feel so guilty about what I told Brittany? I shouldn't, and I know it, because I didn't do anything wrong.
Also why do I feel so guilty about my past? It's not like it's normal or anything, because it's not. Maybe that is why. I wish I could forget what has happened. I would give almost anything to forget.
Not many people would understand either, which sucks. I wish more people understood. You talk to someone about it, and they're all like "Yeah, I totally understand" when in reality they're thinking "You're fucking nuts, how can I relate to this?" It's really annoying, and shrinks do the same damned thing. Dad says I won't be going back, which is good, because my mom will probably try and send me back because she's a bitch.
I wish people didn't put these chains on me. I just want to be free of everything. For one moment in time, just one second, I want to feel totally free of everything and everyone. I want no responsibilities, I want total paradies, peace, and happiness. I know it'll probably never happen though, unfortunately.
I can dream though, can't I? Why does everyone want to know if I'm bi? What difference does it make if I am or not? I don't understand, I wish I could though. It just doesn't make sense that it matters what sex someone prefers.
I don't know, maybe someone can understand it with more intelligence than I. It just doesn't make sense. Martin's mom is annoying. I mean, I like her, don't get me wrong, but she's just plain annoying. She seems very superficial, and she seems to be playing him and I in the sense that she'll tell him one thing, and then she'll turn around and do or say something else infront of me. Contradicting is the word I think I meant to use instead of 'playing him and I'.
She contradicts a lot from what I've noticed. I walk on egg shells with her, and I hate it. I can not stand doing that with anybody anymore. I could at one time, but I can't now. I say one word out of line, and holy shit, watch out.
I get hell from it. I still can't believe she called me a slut, that still makes me very angry at her, just thinking about it. I can't believe my mom is going back to Peter. She had some gull to call me the other day wanting my approval. She knows she will never get it, so why bother?
He's the one that hated me from the beginning along with his brothers. Ron molested me, and got away with it becuase netiher he nor my mother believed me, and they lied to DCFS so the case came back unfounded. I will no longer claim Peter or his family as my own, except maybe George and Sherry. That entire family makes me sick just thinking about them, including my mother, and Sherry is just too bubbly for me. I do wish though, dispise how I feel about my mother, that people would respect the fact that she is my mother.
I do wish people wouldn't bring her down constantly, especially infront of me. I mean, when I'm doing it, I can see it, no problem. I mention her though, and everybody's ranting, raving, and calling her names. I find myself defending her at that point. I know what she's done, they don't, they only know because I tell them.
I really hate that, regardless. Jessica, Jason and the kids are really starting to get to me. I can't stand them anymore. I do wish I would have told each one where to stick it before I went back to Martin's. Jess really needs some help, and needs to get rid of Jason.
She could do better. I have been tempted more than once to tell her if we wern't cousins (even though we're not related), and I wasn't together with Martin, that I would be able to treat her and the kids better than he ever could. He's a jack ass, and I don't know how she can stand him! Oh well, it's not my problem anymore, I don't have to deal with it. They're better off gone anyway, even though I do love Jes and the kids, I just can't stand them waking me up at 4:00 AM right after I have fell asleep about half an hour earlier, it drives me fucking nuts.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Bush's 'Little Things'
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