Dez's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Dez [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[25 Jul 2004|10:20am] [ mood | moody ] [ music | thats cool--blue country ] hey, yeah Im using my blurty again..cause welch made me. but it'll pretty much be the same thing thats in my live journal, and my blurty's not gonna be friends only. cause i doubt anyones gonna read it lol no offense! much love dez! 1 comment|post comment

trust trust trust [10 May 2004|09:08pm] [ mood | annoyed ] ah babe. gotta love the way you can trust people now a days. hah i dont really want ot get into it. but all this person needs to know that it was uh. obvious you were holding his hand. argh lol. you can have him though. i'm not gonna fight you for some guy. anyways. back to my day. well i woke up late. so i didn't have time to shower so yeah baby i scruffed it. it was damn sexy haha. and school was fine. Mrs. L was yelling at me. but i deserved it this time haha oh well nothing i'm to concerned about. came home had a tornado warning woo! love them tornados. so i couldn't go anywhere until like 7 so i went to kims and all she talked about was Rob Rob Rob. let me tell you it gets damn annoying. and can you believe this. their engaged and she's only 15 yeah hah its so stupid i doubt its gonna last now. and she was like 'yeah if i get pregnant we're moving out' i'm just thinking how the fuck are you going to raise a kid on your own. cause she isn't the brightest person alive let me tell you. and she yells at me for babying kids who fall or something. uh isn't that what your supposed to do? lol she is not going to make a good mom..thats just my opinons she's to afraid of 'getting dirty' when they're all muddy so she wont hug the kid when they fall I dont give a shit. it washes and if it doesn't ohh welll. i tell you people these days.. haha post comment

The printers phat and the monitors flat [09 May 2004|09:33pm] [ mood | sleepy ] well. lets just say the party didn't go as planned. some people can just be asses i guess. oh well. looks like its back to numbers 1 and 2. you know who you are. anyways. god damn i dont know what to write . so i'll write in a week when something interesting happens.. post comment

Viagra [08 May 2004|12:21pm] [ mood | thirsty ] [ music | Ocean Avenue- Yellowcard ] Well today is brandons Birthday..woo happy birthday and your cancer free..that takes a load off my chest- and LP's prom is today..I get to see my Nichole L. Harrison today..yeah her and my brother are coming over for pictures at like 2 ish. or something..then i'm going out to eat for mothers day with mom kim and lee. oh fun. then tonight is Angelas Party! woot i'm so excited. Carltons going to be there :-* my little loverbug (in progress) yeah. hmm Mrs. L had me crying the other day. god do i hate her. She yells at me for no reason! argh, Chris T. told me i should started bawling histerically and run out of the room. Just to make her feel bad. but you know he tells me this AFTER class. haha oh well. but Spanish has been fun lately. Mostly because ever since my crying insadent. she hasn't said anything to me so i do what ever the fuck i want :) me angela and cody jack around all period. haha Fun times fun times. well. hmm I sat in carmex the other day! oh i was pissed i had to wear my PE pants because it looked like i had anal lube on my ass. lol well it was during 8th hour that it happened. so it was all good. and Thursday i got to leave work early cause we weren't busy at all. so it was a good week. hmm. My grandma Gerry is getting better. she can sleep in her own bed and doesn't need the hospital bed. so its all good pretty odd huh seems like all these things go wrong one week. and then the next week everythings all hunky dorey..gotta love hormones. post comment

just little ol' me again [01 May 2004|11:03am] [ mood | okay ] [ music | heh..Britney Spears- Everytime..* its a good song! ] yeah i guess i'm a lot stronger then I was. just the pressure started to build up and i couldn't handle it. I still dont know what i want to do anymore. heh i guess no one does. theres still a lot of things going wrong. but they don't need to be anounced. because its my personal matter. so if i decide too let you in on it. I'll go to you. so we can talk about what i've been up too the past couple months, because i dont know when the last time i wrote in here. been awhile i guess. well me and Nick broke up.thank god..well i never really did write in here that we were going out. well we were. and i thought i liked him as much as i said i did. but after awhile. it started to die down. i guess you can never get over your one true love <3 babe you know who you are. --my birthdays coming up soon.. woo hoo. I'm so excited. actually. i'm not. not as excited as i should be i guess. i dont know. you know how people have in their info "you're so fake" well guess what girls, I am fake, i'm not as happy as i make myself look. kind of a surprise. i dont want to look for attention. i just want people to know that they need to keep their noses out of my personal buisness. i don't need people 'talking about me' behind my back about how i'm 'faking it' i dont know of anyone. but i know there are girls out there who have nothing better to do with their lives then talk about other people. Now i can't say i'm perfect on that subject because i do talk about people, but not about how their 'faking it' when somethings wrong. actualy i dont even know why i'm on this subject. its just. to be honest. nothing is going right for me. yeah and i really dont know what to do, but anyways some how i got off the subject backt o what i've been up too the past couple of months-- Me and Kelly stopped hanging out as often as we did. i kind of miss it. but people part. Me and Allyssa Ann..well we never hang out anymore. and she was my one of the very few true bestfriends that i had. Allyssa, if you read this know i miss you. I tried telling you over teh phone when i called you but couldn't get the words out. Nichole Maria Ashley Ang and Brandi. well you girls, are terrific. hah pretty much my bestfriends right there, they are the ones that know me from the inside and out. they know when somethings wrong with me and i dont have to worry about having them get mad at me if i 'dont tell them something' those girls are the reason why i'm writing this entry because they are my bestfriends and I love them. no guy could take their place ..except for....well you guys know..heh no you know i love you ladies! --as for you babe. wow. thats all i can say. --dez post comment

the worlds worst turning point. became an upgrade [10 Apr 2004|03:22pm] [ mood | horny ] [ music | White Trash Beautiful-Everlast ] Which Legendary Actress are you? Me and Nick Broke up. For Good. --Lastnight was so much fun..gotta do it again :) ... only next time. its my turn Is it bad that i kind of like another guy..when me n nick just broke up? Reply pleasee post comment

To you Jordan* [03 Apr 2004|04:04pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | Switchfoot dare you to move ] Jordan. I miss you Jordan oh lord do i miss you..i was at your grave again today..me and sadie came to see you..I dont know what to do with my life anymore..i'm so fed up..my grades are good..atleast i think they are...i've been trying really hard to get them up and they're staying up..I'm still with Nick..we've been together for a month and a week..yeah lasted longer then even i thought to be quite honest...I really like him. but thats all i'm going to say about that. I'm still talking to Matt and Janice..they're so great..I hope to god that Matt doesn't go to Jail..it will just make my life so much worse..heh I went to the passion play lastnight..all i could think about was you..you're all i can think about anymore..and when i try and talk about you to my friends..its like they don't want to listen..and I know i'm crazy when it comes to you..the way i'm still mourning even after 5 months..but there's something thats still missing otherwise i'm sure i'd be over your death by now..something just wont let your death rest.. and it just really gets to me I lay awake at night, thinking about you..all though I'm sure you know....especially lately..the way i've been crying at night. Sometimes it feels like you're with me Jordan like you're sitting on my lap and we're watching tv..or when i'm at school or at night when i'm laying in my bed crying..i just picture you on my bed on the edge of it..sitting there telling me its all going to be okay..but if its going to be okay..then why isn't it yet? Thats all i've been hearing is one day you'll let go..But my one day hasn't come yet..and there are times i've thought i was ready to let go..but it turned out i just pushed my self closer to you. Did you see the roses i've brought you? ones Red. and the other ones Yellow. I came to see you last saturday too. it was pretty awkward because i didnt know where your grave was..and just when i was getting ready to leave after looking for it for a half hour..I decided to go around one more time..and i didn't walk more then 3 steps until i saw this Heart Shaped grave..and it made me wonder..so i got closer and i saw a picture so i jogged..and there you were you're picutre in your grave..and i lost it..i started bawling..but if you were there..you must've saw me..It was rough..its Been rough and I still miss you, Janice has been letting me scan a lot of your pictures..for me to keep..but i'm gonna go..I love you Jordan Elizabeth Cain RIP post comment

my blob [02 Jan 2004|02:03pm] adopt your on blob! post comment

2004 a new start [02 Jan 2004|12:21pm] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Nickelback-feeling way too damn good ] so, yet again, new year new time to start over..im still inlove a shock to you all i know. but i don't really know what to put in here, so i'm just going to leave it at that I love you. post comment

yeah part 2 [29 Dec 2003|11:34pm] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | bob segar--turn the page ] i know i just wrote in here, but i still have alot of resentment towards a lot of people..people just piss me off they tell you one thing..and do a whole different thing..and its just..its not fair..i know life isn't supposed to be fair and all this shit but..my god there's differnet points in your life..your supposed to be there for your friends..trying to comfort them..not be asses about everything. when a friends happy about something..you just dont say shit to try and bring them down, i know tehy need a reality check.but dont give them one. they'll see it. trust me, and weather you tell them or not..the odds of them listening are very slim. and i just don't know really and honestly..i mean i dont want to say i just want to give up..because i dont..i want to try and give this my best shot..but i need help..i can't wait to go to my aunt tonyas tomarrow..because then i can tell her whats going on..she listens to me..she's been there through everything with me..and atleast i know she doesn't think i'm just "putting on a show" yeah i still have alot of issues on that segment of my *..jerad and jordan time..* i hate my parents its bullshit of them to even say that you know? god..and i can only imagine how many other of my 'friends' are saying stuff..god i gues that was some of the stuff thats bothering me but theres so much more and i wish i knew what it was..i mean i havent eaten hardly anything in the past 3 days..i've had a meal a day..and thats it. i had a peice of roasbeef on saturday, sunday i had some mashed potatoes and an oreo, and today i had some spaghettie and health bar or something like that..and i've just been losing tons of weight, i mean right now its not showing but i can tell, i mean on the scale it said i weighed 124..and 2 weeks ago i weighed 134..ten pounds i've lost..yeah 10 and i dont even know how..my dad noticed..but he didn't say good job or anything, i mean Laurie was being a bitch and saying i was getting fat, and i knew i was, so that might even be the reason why i'm not eating because its finally kicking in..and its just like I'm sorry i'm not perfect enough for you, my moms the same way, she trys and wears my clothes and stuff..and its just..god leave me alone..i mean i knew i wasnt like fat fat, but i was like regualer...and when all your friends are the cheerleading stereo-type. then you get to thinking your fat..and then when your family tells you your gaining weight then its just all down hilll from there..and i dont know..but i spend enough time talking about me.. bye. I KNOW Your Lil Secret! by terribastedo Your secret name Your big secret...heh. You wear anal beads on dates. How many people know. 25 Your parents know. That beer can gave you away. How *I* knew. Dang. You SWORE me to secrecy. Created with quill18's MemeGen! post comment

yeah [29 Dec 2003|10:02pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Goo Goo Dolls-here is gone ] i'm not really upset, but i'm not really all that happy, like..i think i should be doing more with my life then just helping people anymore..i mean i know i'm only a freshmen at Putnam County Highschool..but i want to do more then just help people..i want to be known. and i dont know what i mean, i know theres something in me thats just waiting to be typed out or told..but i dont know what it is.its kind of like..i dont know i just feel upset about something and i dont know what it is right now. and steves mad at me..atleast he was i don't know if he still is. everything between me and rob is fine, we're just friends now..but theres still so much more to my life then i let you know journal, yeah for once i'm referring to my journal. but i don't know what to do..and i can't really write out what i'm thinking because i can't trust anyone in my house. cause' if i keep a regualaur journal that you actually write in and your not supposed to let anyone see..well my stepmom likes to go and "clean" my room and read it. yeah i know she reads it because she's confronted about alot of stuff that no one knew about except my journal..i mean did she think i was stupid? i dont know..i just have alot of trust issues with people. and i just don't want to confront them incase they're not true, and have them end up getting mad at me.. i mean i know in my last entry i said i was happy and i am happy..its just i'm having one of my ups and downs mood..and its a down right now.. I went to matt and janices today..haha ohh wow..they got married :) finally they've only been together for nine freaking years. lol i'm happy for them..and i love going over there..because i just love those guys so much..they're like family to me.. but yeah new years..i'm probably going to babysit because i don't want to drink..because i end up doing stupid shit when i drink..so yeah i'mg oing to pre-occuipy myself but yeah i'm going to go and sign my favorite sister in laws guest book all and all though..i think i'm rather content with the way my lifes going..so far personally i'd like somethings changed..but you can't always get what you want.. post comment

yeah [27 Dec 2003|09:38pm] [ mood | accomplished ] [ music | The darkness-i believe in a thing called love ] i went to the movies tonight with brandi, and it felt like everything was perfect, not in a lesbian way..but i was happy, i truely am happy, and i know i'm going to have another break down, but i've survived through these past couple of months, and i think i'll be able to spend a long time like this. i'm not saying i'm not going to have my ups and downs, beause we all have them. and they will pass. like everything else, i'm not saying i just suddenely forgot about Jordan and Jerad, because i could never do that i'm saying that i'm moving on, i don't want to spend my whole highschool life, filling my sorrow with something that happened and i can't change. and i dont want to be one of the kids who thinks the whole worlds out to get me. i just want people to know that i've over came so much stuff in my days, and a heartbreak is not going to kill you. sure you'll be upset but its not the only guy/girl out there for you, we're in highschool and jr. high guys, we don't need to spend our whole childhood grobbaling over some one that dumped you, i'm sure you'll always love them.but you need to move on. better things happen, trust me..you just need to wish for it long enough and it will happen, and i know i don't get sensative all that often, because most people know me as the one who can make everyone laugh. and i'll admit it.it is one of my fair qualities and i'm proud of what i can do for people. and i want to be like that. i want to help people get over there hurdle so they know that they're not the only person out there who's living their lives in a terrible hell hole, theres millions of people going through the same thing everyday, you may think your the only one but your not. when Jordan and my grandma died..i thought i was the only one going through the hell, when i wasn't i had to wait until Jerad died for me to know that there are other people who have lost loved ones and i wasn't the only one so all i could do was help the ones who loved jerad, and its what i did allyssa was the one i worried about the most, she's my bestfriend..she's been there through everything with me and i don't know what i'd do without her. and for awhile i didnt think i had a bestfriend but i did and she was there..right infront of me.the whole time. i'm sure you guys think i'm really depressed but i'm not. as sad as this entry is..its one of a more happy ones, its not an entry thats lettting my pour my whole life into, its not an entry of how happy i am. its an entry of how i over came everything i've been through these past coupple of months and how everyone helped me..guys i'm here for anyone..you all know that.. me :) post comment

hmm how i still hate my life [19 Dec 2003|06:53pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | for a friend ] well, here i am agian, going to write another depressed journals..so everyone yeah, uncluding my family can talk about me...you know how it feels to know that everyone in your family talks about you? saying how you put on shows to get attention..oh yeah its a real thrill..because when someone dies i like to you know use there death to get attention, because i'm that heartless..oh yes i am..trust me...everyone i live with was talking behind my back about it..my dad said i've been drawing attention ever since jordan died..now tell me..everyone who reads this do tell me..am i faking it with jordans death? do you guys honestly think that i would use Jordan Elizabeth Cain's death so i can get sympathy from people? i'm not that heartless i really did love that little girl..you can tell from all the entries i wrote about her..and then Jerad dies on me..god Jerad i miss you so much...i miss the way you'd always call me "dez the dyke" ohh boy its just not the same with out youu..but i hate it i mean..2 days after jerad dies my dad fucking freaks out on me saying i'm just trying to get attention to myself..and my dad was the only fucking person in the house that i thought actually believed me when i was upset. i mean he acted like it aleast, i'll admit i can over react but its just the shock that kicks in eventually i realize what has happened i mean its just the way i am..and i fucking hate it..im more mad then i am upset....and my dads on depression pills for only god knows what? but he likes to take out all his anger at me i know he does i mean god its just not fair..and everything was going sooo good for me...i mean you guys read my last entry didn't you? it was the night before jerad died...i was soo happy that night in such a good mood, and then like..jerad dies and i don't find out til' sunday..so i'm still a wreck i mean i wasn't a bestfriend with jerad but we were friends, i mean he wasn't the type to just stick to one group he always talked to everyone, so its not like no one didn't know jerad..and he'd always tell me stories of what he did..or me and him would fight in mconnels room..me and jerad had some good laughs and good times i'm never going to forget him..n i just god its so hard dealing with everything i just want to i want to give up all together i mean its not fair..its not fair to me its not fair to anyone jerad i dont know why you did it...but god so many people care for you i dont know why you didn't see that..you were such a great kid i don't know how all of your really good friends are surviving i mean could you imagine losing your bestfriend? Jakey Mennie..boy kid i remember when i first met you, you told me to call you bubba..hahha ohh boy i love ya kid. i hope your okay...but god i fucking hate my parents i have to get out of this house, i'm tired of getting yelled at by EVERYONE for stupid shit...i cna't stand it i mean sometimes i lay awake..just wondering like jerad got out of it..it was an easy way for him..why cant i do it..then i think of how i'm feeling about jerad and how much i miss him and me and him were just friends..then i think of how some of my so called 'Friends' would feel..it'd hurt them and i just don't want them to hurt..i really don't i care for my friends sooo much..and god i don't know what to do i really and honestly dont i wish i knew i wish i knew when i could be happy without feeling guilty..but i don't know one day i know it will happen when i dont know..but i just..part of me wants to see jerad and jordan and everyone else that has died this year..can you believe all the deaths'? its not fair..not fair at all...but i dont know i really dont i'm so confused and messed up i hate everything.and i just want to curl up and die...but Kayla your words..wow..i love you kayla your a great friend dont change ever.. me 1 comment|post comment

ah lifes never been so good! [12 Dec 2003|08:38pm] [ mood | tired ] [ music | something corporate woke up in a car ] what can i say? i mean its like in one day everythings turned around for me..all my grades are going back up! :) and everythings just looking so good..and i'm trying to make it last..maybe its the holidays that i'm in such a good mood? but i know 95% of it is because Matts home!! man i was so happy and its weird, because the last entry i wrote was about matt, and later that night i went to see janice and matt was home! lol it was really weird but i was so happy, and i saw steve last weekend!! and i finally met rob, yeah he's a cool kid and its freaking cold the show at cancun was awesome might i add that one band and the undergrads..yes they are cool dublo's last time playing *sigh* but it was all good, chris gave me a hug..oh how lucky am i? hmm yes danny wants me to come over..so i should be getting ready to go over there..even though i'm freaking tired..i swear the things i do for that boy so yes i shall be on my way to his house..*Note how entry is shorter when in good mood much love dezzzzzzz post comment

i just keep giving [30 Nov 2003|10:39am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | pod will you ] god...here i am again in my sappy love set depressed i miss jordan and matt mood...i can't help them really i was doing good for awhile..then things just kind of get..mixed up? i don't know things are just weird like that and i had a weird dream about matt too i've been dreaming alot about matt..about how much i miss him or stuff like that..there was this one dream..he was in his garage..and i walked by and i saw him ran into the garage to give him a hug..and like..he said we couldn't hug becase the police were watching..it was weird but i'd give anything to see him i mean maybe janice would let me go to teh jail with her to see him? i doubt my parents would let me though but then again they might i don't know..the point is i miss matt..and i still miss jordan ohh beleive me i do..but i mean..i'mc oming to realize that jordan's gone..and i can't bring her back no matter how many tears i cry or how many times i beg and plead to re live the night of October 24th to were i could've just went there that night after the mother daught dinner at my church..and i could have put jordan to bed..and maybe i would've fallen on her? oh i would have never been able to deal witht that i mean even thinking of i was the cause that killed jordan?? oh boy i would've killed my self the moment jordan died..but then think of how matts feeling? he's in jail he accidently killed a little girl and he misses everyone and everyone misses her..i mean try putting your selves in that postion its hard isn't it? its like you just got stabbed in the stomach with the worlds sharpest knife..so you might as well just not live..you killed a 3 year old girl..and now your in jail and you didn't even mean to do it? god matt i just wow...i haven't thought about it like that before..i'm just kind of stunned..but i do miss you..so much to the point where i could die just so i could come and visit you in jail..sometimes i think i'm going to be the next to go you know? like if i do..and when anyone reads this and matts still in jail..guys..i want matt to be at my funeral..no matter what..please just hear that out for me? try as hard as you can..show them this if you have too..just let them know tha ti want matt to be there..i know its wrong for me to think of me dying and who to be at my funeral..but i want people to know that i want matt to be there..and it'd be gay for me to tell someone that when i die i want matt to be there..it would be really gay..so if you read this..don't talk to me about the death part..because i wont know what to say..any other part you can but just not that part..anyways i need to go because andys waiting for me to go back and talk to him... post comment

fuck [16 Nov 2003|02:33pm] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | behind blue eyes ] fuck this god...oh yeah "Dez i know what your going through" the fuck you do lets talk about my problems...yeah hmm Jordan dies Grandma Dies..Matts in jail Christys on Life support Janice is a wreck my parents are asses my friends think they know everything about me..im so happy guys oh you best fucking beleive i am I'm so fed up with you guys have you ever had someone you loved so much die so young..yeah i under stand that people lose loved ones so young BUt JORDAN WAS 3 YEARS OLD its NOT fair at all...and i know lifes not fair but its like what the hell am i not supposed to have any fun..ever since jordan died..i've been pulling fake smiles and being there for Janice and them..and everyone knew i wouldn't be able to handle it well guess what I FINALLY BROKE oh yes i'm like i'm the verge of a mental fucking break down I'm stressed down to a point my back is killing me...i want to through up all the time i either eat 24/7 or i'm not eating at all i'm so sick of everything i was giving my best for a month..and i couldn't bear it..reading peoples infos of how depressed they were that they didn't have anyone to call there own yeah fuck you people your gay, who gives a rats ass that the guy doesnt love you, get over it..we're what..14 15? yeah we've got a long fucking time to find that "special one" which i thinks a bunch of bull shit..people are so gay i hate it and my grades oh yes!! they are real shitty this quarter i mean i'm sure i would've done good if i didn't get hit so hard with all these problems right? i mean my fucking god it was like week after week something knew comes up to ruin my moood...so i'm not supposed to be happy..i'm supposed to be sad and depressed and upsetand feel like the whole world is against me i get stuck with all this homework that i dont do because the only thing on my mind are all my fucking problems which i can't deal with...i'm 14 and i'm dealing with a friend in jail for murder? my friends brother in law in jail for herione..and a friend in the hospital on fucking life support a 3 year old girl dieing..and me being there for hte person who is in the worst condition ever.. Janice..and just listening to her be so depressed it just brings me down deeper and deeper i mean one day i know it'll pass by i should've known something like this was going to happen because my life was going way to smoothly..i mean my parents were even being cool..we weren't fighting then alll of a sudden BOOM Jordan dies BOOM matts in jail BOOM my grandma dies BOOM brian dies BOOM mike gets into his accident BOOM Janice is a wreck BOOM Brian goes to jail he deserved it though BOOM Christys on life support now im just waiting for my next BOOM Matts trial is in 4 days...i'm afraid tahts going to be my next boom and if thats the case i will be the biggest wreck ever...god for all i know i'll probably jump off a fucking bridgei wont be able to handle this next boom i just want matt to get out of there so i can start looking on the brighter of things..and matt..he cries on the phone all the time with Janice.i always hear janice saying "baby dont cry" i mean you never see a grown man cry..i miss matt so much as much as i miss jordan and let me tell you thats a lot anymore..everyone thinks they know how i'm doing but you guys dont i dont know how half you people can be so happy..when theres so many problems i need so many people i mean just one person isnt enough anymore...wow here i am again crying i hate crying anymore but i'm going i think i emptied out myfeelings again arrara05 (2:40:07 PM): in response to your info: people will always be gay like that...they never change...especially where we live...so the best thing to do is what you are doing and just say fuck um and do what is good for you arrara05 (2:40:14 PM): otherwise you will never even be remotely happy isn't it the truth post comment

9 days until matts court date [11 Nov 2003|12:18pm] [ mood | stressed ] [ music | perfect ] I had the weirdest dream lastnight..i broke my leg..and Jordan..she came over to my house and her and me slept and watched tv..i know its gay, the way i talk about Jordan so much..but god i miss her..and my brother god i hate him so much, he keeps saying shit like you always talk about Jordan when grandma died, well grandma was old she isn't suffering anymore Jordan she was only 3 years old, grandma got to grow old have kids and all that stuff that jordan didn't have god hes such a dumbass i can't stand him..and Austin god hes really begining to get on my nerves too but then again, just about everyone is..Matts court date is the 20..i want to go with Janice but i don't know if my parents will let me go..I miss matt so much too, and no one goes over to Janices anymore..like no one that used too does..except me..Jancie is a wreck she really is and i can't take it seeing her like that..it hurts you know? its like i don't know she's trying so hard to keep everything together. and i have a feeling she's going to break here pretty quick and she's going to break on all the wrong people..and Fat Mike, yeah he was saying stuff that "Matt killed jordan" and god i hate it these parents should tell there kids the trutch instead of the kids telling their parents what they heard n everything getting all messed up..i hate having people ask me what actually happened but i want them to know so they don'ot go and run their mouth and saying all the wrong things like some people keep saying shit like "matts guilty" yeah okay hes not you can't judge someone by what you hear..you have to know the person like i knew matt..anyone that knew matt knows that matt wouldn't do this..you guys please..just know your facts before you talk shit? and if you want to know what happened that night read my journal, everyfact that i know (discluding one) is in there...guys please i know its alot but i really need some help.. this next part is from the paper for Jordans benefit..it'd mean alot to me if you guys went... Benefit to be held for cain family A benefit fish fry will be held at Frawleys Pub Magnolia, at 3 pm for the cain family on November 15th Tickets are available for $5 you can get tickets at the door or at Henry at Hogers Pub and Grandmas Bar and Grill in Lacon Magnolia at Frawleys Pub and in Oglesby at Archyway Tap post comment

doing better.. [09 Nov 2003|07:35pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | You and I ] yeahh, here i am againn i bought coley a barbie doll, its soo cool, you can cut her hair and it grows back, they never had anything like that when we were little lol..anyways yeah i miss Jordan still..i remember one time i was going somewhere iwth marty, and Jordan followed me..and when i left she started crying wow..i started crying when i remembered that..i remember her exact outfit that day..it was a Green and yellow jogging suit and she had a white turtle neck underneath it..god i miss her so incrediably much..but im laughing now..i don't know if its just laughing off the pain or what but i still miss her so much..i haven't talked to janice in like a week, its a pretty long timee..my parents are out of town until tuesday which means i'm home alone until then, tomarow night i'm staying the night at kellys house..and we're probably going out..but i mean who knows..yeah as you can tell i'm trying not to talk about Jordan but its so hard when i can mention every little detail about her..her bangs, they went a little over her eyes, she needed to get them trimmed, whenever she came over i always sat her up by the sink and the coffee pot..and i'd find her something to eat..or we'd get nail polish out and figure out what kinds to paint out nails with..yeahh i always had fun with jordan..she always knew how to make me smile i can't wait to get one of her dolls..janice said she'd get me one..as gay as it sounds i want one of her outfits too..the jogging suit one..as ugly as it was i loved it sooo much..she was soo tiny...wow i remember when she fell, i was wearing the jeans i'm wearing now and she wanted me to hold her, and i got her blood all over these jeans..yeah i could go on and on about memories with her..everytime i was with ehr something happepend that id never forget..and with this journal its just going to keep me remembering her..until its time for me to let go..but i think it'll be along time before i can let go of her but even when i do let go of her, i'm always going to love her.. Jordan Elizabeth Cain...i love you soo much RIP September 15, 2000-October 25, 2003 post comment

Day 11 [08 Nov 2003|09:00am] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | Someday Nickelback ] yeah its been 11 days since Jordan died..i still miss her..but i'm starting to realize that i'm never going to see her again..no matter what though i'll always love her..Matts still in Jail for all this mess..his next trial is the 20th..i hope he gets out i miss him soo much..i can't wait until he does then i'm going to beat him like old times..godd Jordans gone Matt's gone..my grandmas gone..its like everyones gone..like i'm not supposed to be happy..and god i'm trying so hard but its so hard and its like i have to keep on a good face so everyone will know that i'm going to be okay but i'm not i'm really not and it hateeee being depressed its like ahhh mostly because you hardly ever see me really like this and i don't like seeing me like this...i mean i'm happy but i'm not i think about jordan alll the time i don't know but this journal's really helping me out with alot of stuff..because i don't like writing so i think this journal is doing me some good...goddd JORDAN ELIZABETH CAIN I MISS YOU SOOO MUCH YOU HAVE NOO IDEA...i want to see you soo bad i even imagine you coming up to my door...i want to see you sitting like you always do not sitting on your bottom, sitting with your knees by your side...i just want to hold you one last time, watch you play with your dolls, watch you the way you'd move your head to the side whenever you talked to me and your smile wow everyone fell inlove with you once they met you..god you were so pretty..you were going to be a knock out when you got older..and i was going to help you get boys...take you cruising when you were older..you were too young Jordan i love you so much..god i'm crying its the first time ive cried in like 3 days... Jordan i love you so much..and always remember that okay? no one is going to take your place no matter how many kids i have..ohh andd i'm going to name my daughter/son after youu..if its a girl Jordan Eliza and if its a boy Jordan Edward..so I'll always have you with me..even if its someone else your name will always remind me of you..I love you soo much jordan promise me you'll never forget how much i love you.. yeah still depressed post comment

Still missing you bean* [07 Nov 2003|04:52am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | behind blue eyes ] yeah..i guess you could say i've been geting better, i stopped crying but i still miss jordan so much..and i miss the boys more then ever..Nicole came over yesterday like old times..it made me think of bean though, but she came over and showed me how she's got 3 dollars, so i remember i had a dollar and i gave it to her to add to her collection..it was hard thouhg hard but it felt so good to know that nicole can come to me like she used too..i still can't look at the house the same way..and i walked through the yards..and went by the swingset where i used to push jordan..godd i miss her so much, one things leads to another when ever i think of her..like how i should've known she was sick..or how i should've been there that night..but then i think that i couldn't have helped it i can't stand it though i mean everyone's like "OH i know how you're feeling" but you guys don't i know you guys have lost loved ones..but i mean..loved ones are different people unless you were all as close to that one person then you can't say that you know how their feeling and we all have different feelings, because me janice lisa brian chad benny and everyone else that knew jordan..we all know how eachothers feeling but we don't know the exact thing because we were all close to jordan in our serperate ways..i'm not saying she always went to me because she didn't...when her mom came to visit her..she only went to her mom..and yeah that really hurt me but i had to deal with it because i mean its her mom..i'm sure that we all only went to our parents or something of the matter..but i don't know anymore i know these past 3 entries have only been about Jordan..but there has been other stuff going on in my life..other then Jordan dieing..i mean i got a spacer and braces and all that good stuf but i wish jordan was here so she could see it, something would happen and i'd wish jordan was here to see it..no matter what my mind keeps leading to jordan no matter how hard i try to not think of her, i mean she was only 3 years old..and she's never going to have a boyfriend or she'll never be ablet o baby sit my kids like i babysat her..she'll never be able to get married or do all the fun stuff that we can't wait to do..she had to be takin to early from all of this..and i hate it because i would have gladly taken her place just so she could've known what it was like to fall inlove and have your heartbroken..and it its like to have a first kiss and have her first period..her first everything i wish she could have it all..i mean i know she's in heaven right now looking down on me and i wonder if she's worryinng about me, i can picture her saying "Desiree you shouldn't do that" or her running up to me or something..and you know those little angels you see that are there to protect children and stuff..i sometimes wonder if she's doing that...looking after all the children who don't have good homes..but then i wish she would've had an angel to look after her..it was to early for her to go..and i miss her so incrediably much..and no one gets it...and i dont know..but Jordan, yeah there's a guy in my life..i really like this one..but i'm afraid to talk to him like i did with Chris..and i'm afraid if i really talk to chris about how i'm feeling i'll fall right back inlove with him..and i don't want to because he's so inlove with rachel and i'd just get so depressed..see i do have a love life on the side of all of this shit..but i dont know i'm done post comment

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