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Barbie's Journal

16th January, 2004. 11:14 pm. thats me face down on the bed, thinking into nothingness

feel like poo...even tho i have just tried to fobb kerrie off and say tht i am fine. i think she knows as well as i do tht i am a big shite...or at least i feel tht way.
well, today i sed to myself, tonite os going to go completely wrong on the ryan front. i shudnt treat guys the way i do, i wud be so safe with martin, but then ryan comes along and i just want the thing i cant have, i think that MAYBE me and martin cud be really happy, but it wud be too unfair to get with him now (even tho i cant because i am banned from bf's til the exams) but it wud be unfair if i did because i have these really really uncontrolable feelings for him, and it really sux.
there is no point in me trying to analyse my own feelings because if i am honest they never make any sense and are really just utter bullshit.
but i will do my best to describe how i am feeling because 1) i need to for myself and this is one place tht i can do it as it will not be scrutinised under the beady eyes of mymother 2) so tht if other ppl feel as lame as i feel then they know they r not alone.
thats my excuse to who eva is bored anuff to read this but anyways, yea i told myself tht tonite wud suk ass on the ryan front, and u kno tht reverse psychology against fate kinda way. wen u say oh this is gona b crap so tht whoever is in charge of this world changes it to make it great so tht ur wrong. and also i did have this really really dodgy feeling in my stomach everytime i thought of the club. and i was right..i knew it..we got to the club (ryan dint come to meet us as normal, atleast it happened once) and so wen we got there turns out june werent working so came home early meaning no talkin to ryan...and last week i made himpromise me to get credit and txt me...and it turns out he got the credit but was txting "some other bird" i felt so embarrased. spose thts jst life. but i jst want things to be perfect. there were loadsa stars in the sky tonite, i thought of sophie as i looked at the brightest star and thought about wot she'd tell me to do. she'd tell me to be postive and show him wot hismissin...but the thing is, he aint missing nothing,coz wot i have/am is not at all wot he wants. and tht makes me feel shit. but then i think about martin and i just get confused. i dont want to lead anyone on,thts not me, thts not wot i ever want to do...i'm not like tht...but
then i dont actually know who i am...i thought i was "nice girl, not bad mouthed,pleasent, nice, trustworthy, nice, not slaggy, not tarty" but i just foundout tht i am all of those. i just think tht i am so dillusional about myself, y wud i think tht about myself, i think i am so wrapped up in wot i wana b tht i think i am tht girl, but i'm not i am the complete opposite...and it sux to think i am so detatched from the real me! tht makes me feel shit. and i have felt quite fat recently. thts all i c at the moment either fitness videos, new diets thin ppl, everywhere...they're like sticks...and their like "do my video look how in shape i am by doin it" and yr like -- u were like that anyway u stoopid bitch!!! and then i think ---hey, u shud b like tht, aft 9 1/2 yrs of dancing and u still have the plump figure tht u have always had! it sux...i am unhappy about everything about me at the moment! just need a pick me up. it just all seems to be getting harder and harder! and i dont like tht! i dnt like it one bit...
i wish sum1 wud give me a break...jst get every1 offmy bak and just ket me feel a bit freeer!!(wierd spellin)
WOTEVER!!!
love to all...
Sarah

Current mood: lonely.
Current music: brand new the wiet things that no1 ever knows.

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