ryt from now on sarah is DEAD from blurty...note; barbie is dead, and sarah is not carrying on blurty anymore.i am taking the wise words of alex sharp "blurty is dangerous!" which i have unfortunalty found out. this diary has bin great for me! it lets ppl c the real me without physically trying. but NO more.sorry but if u r interested in what is happenin in my semi boring life..then email away! but from now on.i am leaving blurty forever! no more updates, no more comments. just ME! and i dnt wana b called barbie anymore.i dnt have a problem with the name barbie or sarah.but i am me.and i am gona start acceoting tht now...so Sarah is born! (resurrected!) good luck in yr life. and with evrything u try/chieve....always here! :)
Current mood: accomplished.
Current music: incubus...sick sad little world.
well i got a new PC table today.coz my hard drive came bak all fixed! phew!
rly tired, last nite sucked...but got beta coz ryan was hotter than b4 - i blame the drink!
pringles r grrrreat, and mcdonalds,and cashew nuts,and jaffa cakes, and sour laces, and choci footballs
tht was my shopppin list for today! and i got them coz i am fat. and i got my chichken and mushroom pot nooodles, FOUR !!!!!! wooppeeee
random, but i cudnt give two shining shits.
love to all.+esp. shaun pontin!;)
Current mood: crazy.
Current music: heartbeat theme.
hello fellow blurty users.i am sat here in my room without a bed.kerrie is lying on the floor..or bed!?and i am wrtitng my blurty feeling completly lost even tho i know exactly where i am physically but emotionally i dont, i rly need to tlk to certain ppl about certain things, i need certain ppl to be honst with me about things.i am so afraid of geting hurt tht i kinda b4 dint want them to answer the questions but now i think i am just gona have to risk getting hurt and collapsing into a pile of tears, coz i'm hoping tht woteva they say wont be too bad tht it will wreck our friendship coz i think losin them will not kill me but affect me rly badly. but then i need to know! i need to have the answers tht i have wondered about for so long. i need the comfort of knowing those answers! i need them to know tht they have to tell me everything they think about me for the reason tht i am told evrything and i wud prfer the whole story coming from them!coz then if it was big bad stuff i'd KNOW not to do it again! ever! i know tht i must;ve hurt them for them to feel like this about me, but i want to know wot i have done and i dont want to have the fakeness wen i do see them. i want to treat them as i did b4 i got told all this stuff about wot they had sed and stuff.and this tme i dnt want to blame other ppl. i am prepared to accept ALL the blame. even if i shudnt get the blame. i am happy to be told tht i am to blame! i am rly rly scared tht if i dnt have this tlk with the certain ppl tht it will be too late and the damage will already be done. grrr but wen do i do it, wen do i tlk to these ppl and wen do i make it clear to them tht i am feeling the make or break situation and i jst want them to be honest!?
anyways i had beta go, boring myself...if any1 has any idea of wot i'm meant to do..plz help me!?
Current mood: crushed.
Current music: brand new ... me vs. maradona vs. elvis.
well i'm feeling rly good today! Apart from the fact tht i dint rly see mari and kerrie a lot today. i dint tlk to them on my break a lot, it was quite a shock to see them to be honest i thought they'd still have wigged out, i was so sure tht they wud be mastering the art of tequila shots again in the morning but suprisingly they werent! WIKID Tequila Shots rule mothafucking ass dude!
Any hows, i spent my day at work doing bugger alkl but offering myself to them to do extra hours...allowing me to have money and stuff...it'll only be a little bit but what i dop manage to do will be so cool! Then after work i met up with martin. <3<3<3 and we went on a SKITTLES rampage! but we cudbnt find any...muthafucking shops neeed to start stocking the rainbow sweets! then we went to see "Haunted Mansion" all i say is WTF!!!! it was rly short and just really obvious and predictive. didnt watcyh a lot of it. spent our time talking to eachother and being "boyfriend and girlfriend" to be honest it was the first time in my life that i had felt like sum1 wanted to be with me, just to BE with me. that was cool and it was so fun sitting in the cinema with sum1 u rlylike and just sit there kissing not giving any shining shits who could be watching coz they kno nothin about the kind of relationship u have all they think is that u r deeply in love! WIKID! i felt rly cool today when we're on our own i feel gd about myself! for example, he kept putting his hand on my belly and i kept pushing or pulling it away and he was like "why ru self conscious about yr tummy" and was telling me tht he loved me and he loved everything about me and that he is so happy with me. its like all my dreams coming true at once. i am happy, i want this one to last a long log time, i just feel tht it is so much of a struggle to get his group and the girls together it is sooooo hard! i just want everyone to be as happy as me! ;)
Happy Valentines day to every1 and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KELLY!
Current mood: happy.
Current music: The osbournes back ground music...dunno.
well things have been going rly well. it was grreat to spend time with Sophie, Gemma and Hazel last nite..iactually managed togive sophie her crimbo prezzies! at long last. i dont rly kno if she liked em.thinks she maybe slightly too cool for em now.but ya kno...its the thought tht counts.and at least it can be added to her purple collection,lol! erm yeh the NME tour was WIKID! Franz Ferdinand seemed to go on forever. and they werent even good to look at, but i spose they started the atmosphere off well, even if itwas already buzzin.The The Von Bondies came on...we were biggin up the girlies in the band. they were good boosted us all a bit and we kinda got more into the feeling of the gig. The lead singer cam forward and i grbbed his balls, of course i wuda prefered them to be my baby's balls but beggars cant be choosers ay! ;) then The Rapture came on and we all go into it. and again i grabbed the lead vocalists balls...i just thought at tjhe end of the day tat will forever be in my memories! Then...on came Matt! *dribble* and god i screamed...and then i got pushed and kicked and stuff and i was getting rather pissed off...i just screamed my little heart out and then every now and then ask the fart security guards for water. there was a PHAT mosh pit behind us and every1 was like "that is so yr dad tht was in the middle of tht!" to be honest it was kinda cool bcoz i am glad that every1 kinda accepted tht my dad was there. my dad is cool and likes the music and appreciates it...and he likes to have a good time at gigs so it is always helpful for lifts n stuff!lol. anyway hazel got hurt and matt spoke to her and i was sooo jealous...but at least i can say "matt spoke to one of my mates!" lol.i kept screaming at him if i could have his babies and i told him and gareth to come bk to basingstoke soon.some random guy asked if i wud screw him if he asked meto. i sed no coz i have a bf that i love...but it wouldnt stop me contemplating it. then it suddenly hit me. i wud b able to turn dwn a rly rly rly rly rly rly rly rly rly rly fit guy just bcoz i am so in "lurve" i couldnt stop thinkin about martin after tht point and as soon as F4AF were off the stage i rang him. i told him about the ball grabbing and he wasnt very happy. we had a little tiff and in the car on the way home i started crying, and he phoned and i was crying on the phone tohim coz i was so scared of losing him. then we made up.c the best part of argueing is making up me thinks,lol. then me and kerrie got home.i wanted to wear my F4AF tshirt to skool but i made the mistake of wearing it last nite and so it is soaking and smelly *p-ew* so i shall wear it nxt week sumtime. maybe friday at skool coz i am soooo cool.lol. yeh so me and kerrie went to sleep and i had dreams and visions of martin cheating on me coz he was sleeping at this girls house and i thought ya kno *his pissed off with me...y not get with sum1 else* so from 8 in the mornign to 1.30 in the afternoon i was worrying about him coming to c me and telling me that he had indeed cheated on me. the phrase -what goes around, comes around- kept popping in my head and i worked myself up for it. itold my self tht i knew he wud. so at 1.30 i wlked out on my break and only kelly was there...so i phoned him and he sounded rly grumpy. i thought O DEAR!!! but then he got there and i just didnt want to let go. i told him about the dream and he was rly upset tht i thought he could cheat on me. yeh i pewrsuaded him to come and c me after work. i just dont think i cud go 4 another week without seeing him. i dont think my life completely revolves around him. but i dont think i could deal with not having him,.which is rly sad but i dunno. i just click with him.we both want the same things.his not as weird as me. but he understands me at most times. i dunno i hope this one lasts a long time. yeh so guys i got a new job...i will be earning around 5 squid an hour woopppeee sum1 is finally paying barbie wots she s worth lol. *big head*anyways i have to go. ermm yeh c u all later...half term next week.
Current mood: <3 loved up <3.
Current music: blink 182...i miss u.
i think tht yesterday was the day tht i was meant to die! i think tht i was just meant to float off into nothingness.. i sat on the bed and saw this little baby...tiny but a new life that would grow into something big....and hopefully it wouldnt make the same mistakes that i have...then everything went rly rly quiet...and i just didnt feel like i was there. then i thought...am i actually here...have i replaced myself with the baby...have i been replaced with the baby????i felt so awkward.they kept asking me if i was pregnant.then i was halloucinating...thinking tht i was, tht my dreams were tru..i kept saying "i cant be...but i am scared i am" and everyone was like how can u b if u havent done anything...and i just got confused...i was so scared tht i was, but then i knew tht there was no way in hell (or heaven) tht i could be.
butit has rly scared me, i cnt stop crying..i get sharp shooting pains thru me tummy. they thought i had an ovarian cyst...i cried even more- tht is wot my mom had tht stopped her having kids...it was such a shit day...i dint get to c mari, kerrie or martin.i just wanted to c tht lot...but i rly did think i was meant to die...i dont kno y i am still alive rly! spose i just snuck bk thru to the world!
i wont do tht again.i have cried too much today and i rly dont feel like stopping. just want to cry for the rest of time.just sit in a corner...i just dont deserve the life tht i have.
i lvoe u guys...thanx 4 being nice to me...
Current mood: lonely.
Current music: F4AF - red is the new black.
well the sweetbit is the nght i've had (even tho i do think i have bin a bitch for being not all over mari or kerrie-but i'll explain tht later) but what i am upset about at the moment is the lack of 2companionship" there is between me and rio....
right...for somebody i have known for so long now i am so suprised tht she cant be honest with me...some random girls have just come online...email address...cnt rememba...but they were jst like "why the fuck havent u smashed up rio for what she was saying about u" they checked it was me first and i was getting quite worried cos they were like are u barbie...blah do u go to challoner....blah are u mates wiv so-n-so and i was like "yeh-yeh-yeh" and they were jst like..."you dont kno us but we have info for u...we're only doing it coz we think u shud kno!" and they told me that rio had bin saying all this shit about me...and how i was a complete cow and stuff....and then wen i spoke to martin <3 <3 <3 about it he was jst like "well...erm i tld u wot she sed 2 me, but u blieve her ova me" and then mari asked wot she had sed and he told us "Barbie never gets decent relationships...and even if she does then she fucks them up in some way or another" sumin along the lines of that...and he promised me tht he has the convo saved and tht wen i stay at his in like 2 weeks then he'd prove it. so WTF is going on??? i have done nothing but stick up for her recently even offered to slap sum townie crab for her and told her tht i was happy for her with reece and all tht lot and then she repays me by telling martin <3 <3 <3 that. i am just thanking god tht he dint listen to her. to be honest i dint believe she had sed tht until tonite...he sed he'd prove it to me and i trust him coz there is noway he can fake it...i dont see why she cant just be normal and adult and just tell me to my face and let me know wot she thinks about me...then...bcoz i don want to lose her as a friend i would try to stop annoying her. i am beginnin to get paranoid that she just doesnt want me to be happy. i rly dont understand y she would try to screw things up 4 me and martin...it just doesnt make sense...??? :S smebody thinks tht she still likes him...which then makes me feel guilty and makes me contemplate finishing it with him (not tht i will) coz i dont want to hurt her...but then again she has reece. its rly confusing...i dont know wot to do about it.she never slags of kerrie or mari so y me? wot have i done to her...i would never fone up reece or woteva and say errr nah u dont want go with her coz she'd do this and do tht. i kno she'd never try and hurt sum1 on purpose so y wud i do tht. but then again...i have never hurt sum1 on purpose...and the only relationship i have fucked up was wen i cheated on steve...but then i told him and after a week we got bk together and since then i have never and wud never do it again. its so gay coz i dont want it to ruin anything wen she is down next time but i still want answers? i never asked her properly about the martin thing last time...but this time i want answers. i dont want us to break up but i just dont understand y she would want to say that about me let alone to actually say it. grrr i am so annoyed. i just want everything to be perfect.
errr yeh i feel like a bitch because i dint rly spend a lot of time with kerrie or mari tonite and i feel rly rly rly rly bad...i am rly rly rly rly sorry u two but i think i was just on a new time relationship thing! i feel rly rly rly bad. erm...i am such a gay.but yeh i think this one cud last not tht i rly kno tht seeings as we have bin together all of like 24 hours!!! whoopee!!! but huh yeh!
well today has bin eventful
Current mood: mischievous.
Current music: guernice...brand new.
well today was CRAP. everything i thought was perfect yesterday...i had martin and ALL my mates..and gained a new one. but now i am missing a friend that i thought i would always have..and i dunno how far i can gowith a sane lok on my face.all i want to do is cry.i feel rly weird.this is the time where i just want to run away.i'll do my GCSE's sumwhere else thanx very much. that type of attitude.seeing az and linzi together allday drives me insane coz i want to be with martin so damn much.i just wish i cud go and spend the rest of my skool life in devon with rio.and go batter some cod with her!but no i am stuck down here.the only things/people tht make basingstoke bearable are all my mates, martin and sum times my family.well my mom...seeings as shes the only member of my family down here!SHIT.i just wana completely take bk everything apart form martin tht happened on saturday.i just wish i had just sat with martin all night and just kissed him.which is all i wanted to do! and all i still want to do...but i shud have spent more time with kerrie, more time with lindsay and more time with mari and rio...i shuda bin the mate to them tht i always say i am.grrr...its so frustratin..i dont kno wot to do...i want answers.i miss sophie too, i miss martin, i miss mari, i miss rio, i miss kerrie and i fucking saw her today..jst shows how much my mates mean to me! i just wish tht i didnt keep getting these setbks...i swear this doesnt happen to other ppl. woteve man!!!!:p
hope brand new was gd fr the lucky fuckers tht went!!!
Make love not war ppl
Current mood: crushed.
Current music: blink 182 .... i miss u.
feel like poo...even tho i have just tried to fobb kerrie off and say tht i am fine. i think she knows as well as i do tht i am a big shite...or at least i feel tht way.
well, today i sed to myself, tonite os going to go completely wrong on the ryan front. i shudnt treat guys the way i do, i wud be so safe with martin, but then ryan comes along and i just want the thing i cant have, i think that MAYBE me and martin cud be really happy, but it wud be too unfair to get with him now (even tho i cant because i am banned from bf's til the exams) but it wud be unfair if i did because i have these really really uncontrolable feelings for him, and it really sux.
there is no point in me trying to analyse my own feelings because if i am honest they never make any sense and are really just utter bullshit.
but i will do my best to describe how i am feeling because 1) i need to for myself and this is one place tht i can do it as it will not be scrutinised under the beady eyes of mymother 2) so tht if other ppl feel as lame as i feel then they know they r not alone.
thats my excuse to who eva is bored anuff to read this but anyways, yea i told myself tht tonite wud suk ass on the ryan front, and u kno tht reverse psychology against fate kinda way. wen u say oh this is gona b crap so tht whoever is in charge of this world changes it to make it great so tht ur wrong. and also i did have this really really dodgy feeling in my stomach everytime i thought of the club. and i was right..i knew it..we got to the club (ryan dint come to meet us as normal, atleast it happened once) and so wen we got there turns out june werent working so came home early meaning no talkin to ryan...and last week i made himpromise me to get credit and txt me...and it turns out he got the credit but was txting "some other bird" i felt so embarrased. spose thts jst life. but i jst want things to be perfect. there were loadsa stars in the sky tonite, i thought of sophie as i looked at the brightest star and thought about wot she'd tell me to do. she'd tell me to be postive and show him wot hismissin...but the thing is, he aint missing nothing,coz wot i have/am is not at all wot he wants. and tht makes me feel shit. but then i think about martin and i just get confused. i dont want to lead anyone on,thts not me, thts not wot i ever want to do...i'm not like tht...but
then i dont actually know who i am...i thought i was "nice girl, not bad mouthed,pleasent, nice, trustworthy, nice, not slaggy, not tarty" but i just foundout tht i am all of those. i just think tht i am so dillusional about myself, y wud i think tht about myself, i think i am so wrapped up in wot i wana b tht i think i am tht girl, but i'm not i am the complete opposite...and it sux to think i am so detatched from the real me! tht makes me feel shit. and i have felt quite fat recently. thts all i c at the moment either fitness videos, new diets thin ppl, everywhere...they're like sticks...and their like "do my video look how in shape i am by doin it" and yr like -- u were like that anyway u stoopid bitch!!! and then i think ---hey, u shud b like tht, aft 9 1/2 yrs of dancing and u still have the plump figure tht u have always had! it sux...i am unhappy about everything about me at the moment! just need a pick me up. it just all seems to be getting harder and harder! and i dont like tht! i dnt like it one bit...
i wish sum1 wud give me a break...jst get every1 offmy bak and just ket me feel a bit freeer!!(wierd spellin)
love to all...
Current mood: lonely.
Current music: brand new the wiet things that no1 ever knows.
right EVERYONE...well not every1 but sum ppl need to rememer tht even in this day in age where there are tonnes and tonnes of different modes of communication...yet we all forget to tlk to eachother.!
i think Alex Sharp is right...blurty is a corruptor of friendships...if we dint all have a blurty...we wud all meet up and talk so much more. we are so gay all of us..i spose it my fault coz of the fucking job but i wish we were all in love like we were b4! bestest best friends... and i wud like to say...any1 who i class as a friend tht thinks they are going to swiftly not b my friend anymore better not think i am giving up on them with out a fight...yr all my friends and even tho there are hurtful things sed or made up...i love you all and i do miss you all and i am sorry for anything tht i have done. but i dont give upon my friends easily and we all have to get rio a place to move bak dwn here! i am fed up with not having my mates around me...it sux ass...so...will sum1 decide on a saturday night tht we can all meet up and just hve good old fashioned fun. ok...and everyone..get tickets to c funeral for a friend in brixton on the 7th ur all invited...i am inviting y'all
ok..so this is not a deep emotional blurty...its happy
55 kilos of dynamite PURE EVIl.....mulletman
Current mood: amused.
Current music: hedroom morning wood.