5:03PM - Done
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Current mood: 
accomplished
accomplishedCurrent music: My Dark Life - Elvis Costello and Brian Eno
All has been moved to the LJ account. change your book marks.
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accomplishedI have to wonder how i managed to have such a low self worth and esteem that I feel obligated to do things I don't want to just so people will not leave me. Even if the person they wanted to be friends with was who i truly am, i shift to accomodate what I think they want of me. I do it for everyone up until the point where i resent them and push them away. Some people don't push so easily, and thus they keep me anyways.
Just the way I think that thought.. they keep me.. even though *I'm* the one trying to push them away. What the hell is that? I float back and forth between 'i'm using this person for my amusement' and 'i must amuse this person so they will keep me company.' Where is the 'we enjoy each other's company' aspect? Why can't I believe that? Do I think i'm that pathetic that someone would HAVE to use me to want to have anything to do with me?
Yes.. yes I must.
And I do it to others, put them in the place of mere amusement.
What the hell is WRONG with me?
"The passions that drive us should be the ones we respect and admire. To feel contempt for ones own motivations is a vulgar thing." - JTHM
angry*sighs* I want to type this in a humorous light, but it's not really funny. It's more dispairiging than anything. Parts of me grow conceited at the mere idea of some ways I could look at it, but I'll try to keep that kind of foolishness out of the post.
*feels her lower lip crack and bleed for whatever reason*
So I've started to talk to a person online more indepthly. I've known him for a while but never really just spent time talking to him. Mainly because he used to irritate me in having differing opinions on things things I had strong beliefs in, but that's another story. So yeah, of course I find I enjoy talking to him and his company.
And then it progressed into a more physical kind of online relationship. Hey, I'm more than open for a decent cyber now and then when I'm in the mood, so good deal, good descriptor. Then somehow the line between playing and reality started to blur ever so slightly. It's natural for the body to respond to what the mind is interpretting. Thats why people READ erotica.
Of course it also responds to just being held and listened to, even if only textually. I'm not missing these things in my offline world, I don't go seeking them from anyone beyond my husband. Though, it's difficult not to think of this other person during idle times and recall things said or done. I'd like to liken that to wondering what's going to happen next to characters in a story, but we all know it's more than that. It's like anticipation of another date with someone new.
So, today it got a bit too real, and of course I was enjoying it way too much to see the warning signs of it. I call it OOC RP (out of character roleplay) in where I just play myself and the person plays theirself as well. (I must remember that some of the features my ooc me had were not features I have.. but I doubt it makes a difference, really.) We both are aware that we're fantasizing for ourselves and fueling the fantasy of each other in turn.. if we can remember that that's all it is. But emotions never did follow well set out and well meaning rules, did they?
It's not to a point of danger yet, mind you. Though I received an email from this man asking me to belong to him for a relationship (i think exclusively) online. He stipulated all of the 'this isn't real, we can shut down our emotions and not let them cross lines, etc.'. My gut reaction was 'oh god no, not again.' I think this is one of those times where it's best that I go with my gut. I don't need to confuse myself again.
I'm hoping there's some way to continue the course we were on, some kind of role play where we CAN keep ourselves in check, but I don't know if that's possible, because its not some character he's interested in.. it's the true me. And vice versa.
Meh. Ok, one moment of conceit : Damn, I'm going to have to beat these guys off with sticks if I don't reign in my temptress ways! But what can I do to help it? I'm just that good.
k.. nuff of that.
distressedI had a dream the other night that’s still disturbing me. Maybe someone can help me understand it. If you need more details leave a comment and I’ll try to see what I can recall.
I know at some point I got stranded out some where at night and a shapeshifter (in the shape of a long eared white blue glowing wolf) made sure I got safely back to his house. It was actually his parents’ house. Nice people; just wanted to make sure I'd be safe for the night. They had animals all over the place, I remember dogs outside and geese inside. There were twin boys, (one of which was the shape shifter, but I could never tell which one) probably in their early 20's. I think at least one of them was a bit slow in the head. I was sitting on their couch watching TV or something and he sat down too. He seemed just so right to be near so I leaned back against him and he draped his arms around me to keep me comfy and hold me. It was like to hold me was something he wanted so badly as well, like we were completing each other in comfort. Then somehow it got to be some kind of a screen play that was being acted out. Some friends and I were at a school fighting vampires with little more than number 2 pencils. I mean it was mildly disturbing to have to kill ANYTHING by jamming a pencil into its chest... but we were doing well, until I got distracted by one who was more powerful and I was holding his head back with my hand and he bit my fingers... and somehow my blood healed him... But he was like the last one anyways and so we headed out to the parking lot to go home and I realized the boy was missing, the one who had been so sweet and right feeling, and someone else with me told me that he and another person who I only slightly knew had been thrown out the window and washed away in a flood. Like there were 2 intersecting raging rivers on either side that just showed up. I remember freaking out at the screen writer for letting that happen. I know who the person is in waking world, but haven't bothered to talk to her since high-school. She went off about how it was her story and I should have read it all the way through and known what was going to happen before i started doing the acting. She continued on patting herself on the back about what a great story it was and how famous it would be; blah blah blah. I was more concerned about these two rivers and no one would let me go try to find his body because I was so sure that he might still be alive... somewhere downstream. The utter peace of being in the arms of someone who, by his very nature, wanted nothing more than to comfort me and be comforted by me in a non sexual nature, with no other motive at all... and to have him lost because I got too caught up in my own fight... I mean, he was only there because he wanted to be near me.
The way he held me was so INNOCENT and pure and ... serene. Because I knew that’s all he wanted, and I didn't feel guilty for being in his arms because I knew we were bringing joy to each other. I can't tell anymore which part of the dream really upset me that a. I'd not paid attention enough to save the young man b. that I'd never be held so perfectly again or c. that I'd caused his family the loss... I mean I KNOW a and c, but, I only begin to understand b as I keep reflecting on that PERFECTION, that utter peace and comfort and love surrounding. Being safe, warm, cared for and needed in turn.
Thoughts? Interpretations? Help??
contemplativeI was really excited about doing the Renfest.. I mean at LEAST trying out to say I'd put forth an effort for something instead of letting it slip by... so, when Dama said she wasn't going to do it I was all kindsa upset. I almost cried, but I didn't want to cry. I, as usual, rationalized the situation and pushed my emotions away. I wonder if that's actually healthy.
The thing was, I was willing to audition alone but I didn't have any gaurantee that I could GET there if bsm was working. I wasn't sure I'd have a car that I could park for 8 hours a day, y'know. And with his shift, there was no way I was going to wait til 1 am for him to pick me up when the faire itself ended at 6:30 and I'd have to be back there by 10 the next morning. So, I called mom and asked if (need be) I could use HER car for those weekends. She said yes. Ha HA!
I spent the rest of friday night working on solo songs and trying to get my accent back. We didn't even get to SLEEP til 4 am and there was no way I was going to be awake at 8:30 to be there at 10.. but the hours were 10-2 for auditions so I got up at 10:00 instead and got myself already to go. It took me a WHILE to wake up and get fed, dressed, and ready to go (contacts, makeup, etc.) So off we went to drive the 60 miles to the faire at 11:15, having to stop for money for the turnpike. I irritated bsm the entire way there with me accent, to try t'get it down.
I wrote down the directions wrong so we got to go 30 miles out of our way (joy) but we still got there at 1:15 (proof that it does NOT take 1.5 hours to get there if you drive like I did) to find the gates closed and locked. I was like.. wtf!? I KNEW this was where auditions were being held. There were two girls sitting in the field just outside, but neither approached us. After failing to locate the number to call via directory assistance (since of course I didn't write it down) I got out, in full garb and unclosed corset (was driving) and the one immediately said "You have a renfest question."
I was like 'aye, are there na auditions t'day?" She said yes but that they were over. I said "were they na from 10 til 2?" and she said they WERE but they ended early. . . . . You do NOT end things early when people are driving 60 miles to be there on time and you've listed hours. Thats just bullshit. If those girls wouldn't have been there I wouldn't have know what to do. Apparently they ended early because only 7 people showed up. Now this made me happy as my chances of getting in had just increased like majorly. The girl said I would get in, after handing me a card with a number to call to phone audition as it were. She said they pretty much take anyone, but complimented me on my accent.
Then I asked how much they pay. Mind you, gas is nearly 2 dollars a gallon out here and I'd be putting 120 miles a day on my car, meaning a TANK of gas each weekend, plus tolls. She said 'it pays crap.. 5 dollars a day.' A DAY. That seems like robbery to me.. i mean, thats not even 1 dollar an HOUR. But, ya know, i wasn't going to do it for money.. the money would have been NICE mind you, but I just wanted to DO it. I know I can't justify it unless bsm has the job because we just can't put out that much money like that. I WOULD get 10 free tickets for friends, and I've pretty much got my friends spent on that front. You're not allowed to panhandle, but i'm going to ask about unspoken requests, such as just a bowl on the ground with a few dollars and change in it to give them the idea that I do accept tips. Also, I know for a FACT that the stage shows can panhandle.
Now, since the big reason Dama didn't want to audition, aside from the fact that she was sicker than a dog on Friday and Saturday, was that she didn't feel we had enough time (even from the point she found out about it) to practice for the audition. However, seeing as now there's really no need to audition persay, she may be interested in coming up with a stage show with me. I'll have to wait to hear for certain from her before I call the lady on Tuesday as the girls suggested.
So yes, that was my adventure yesterday.
I'm back on my diet like mad, complete with sheeting. I need to get my exercise routine back in. Hopefully I'll get to walk to the post office a good bit. So, there you have it.
My wrist is almost completely healed; just a bit of dead skin, discoloration, and a scab or two on where it was most affected. I never did bother to call the dermatologist as it's been clearing up.
I have to head out now, mother's day and all. Have to pick up a few things for the dinner. I hope she likes my gift, though I'm sure she will. I'll probably hear "its about time" on half of it. ;)
pleasedDespite the fact that my wrist has been steadily getting nastier and painier for the past 2.5 weeks, I had a really nice weekend and monday. Saturday I went to a Beltane celebration with Dama. We got really REALLY lost at the park where it was being held but, since I wasn't driving and also in a good mood just to hang out with a friend, I didn't freak out. Everything calmed down even more once we got there. We made floral head wreaths, got to sing and chant with the other people, and take part in all the festivities that went along with the day. I was amazed at how non-judgemental and laid back everyone was. It was really refreshing. There was much visualization involved and innuendo as well. Beltane is the welcoming if spring, and you KNOW things mate in spring. The deities that were invited into the celebration were Flora - Goddess of Flowers and Faunus - aka Pan, the Nature/woods God.
Hearing the guy call out to Faunus to come to us was great. "Oh Faunus, stamping, wild, curly haired, horned HORNY God" *grins* And since there was so much visualization encouraged, when the guy added 'we ask that you be on your best gentlemanly behavior' I could see Faunus look up from where he was already ravaging Flora with an 'oops' look on his face.
There was, also, the lubing of the idol, the ramming home of the Maypole (the great erection!) the woman who said she'd have lost interest by the point the erection got up and also questioned if it was in yet, the dancing around the Maypole with ribbons and the way it was stroked and adored after the fact.
One of the best parts, which still just makes me smile, was when they were solemnly welcoming and inviting Flora to join with us and a few little kids (maybe 4 and 5) were talking all loudly about having brought snacks up and were sharing them with each other. No one reprimanded them, in fact quite a few people smiled. THAT is the kind of ceremony I'm for. If this was a church group those children would have been chided and dragged off.
We were also invited to ask the Maypole for blessings, and I figured, sure, why not. As I was standing just a few steps forward in the circle awaiting my turn and musing over what I would ask a leaf fell directly at my feet. I know I'm not supposed to allow myself thoughts of any bizarre nature or attribute meanings to things that don't directly have them, but I felt very at peace at this act. It was as though something was saying 'I heard you, this is my sign to you.' I saved the leaf. It's in the glass ornament my mother gave us one xmas with the hand painted knight and castle on it.
Monday I drove bsm down to Robinson Township (over an hour away) for his interview. I got lost, mainly due to the directions not being clear. I did get him there on time (just BARELY) but I also freaked out a good deal in the mean time. I spent the next hour just sitting in the car, eating my breakfast, and talking on the phone with Bobbi Jo (Danni's girlfriend.) I knew bsm would be in the interview and testing for at least 3 hours if not more, so I drove up to some of the MILLIONS of shops in the area. I wandered around Ikea, Walmart, Pier 1, and then hand a bagel at Panera bread. Yay fresh out of the oven bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese for 2.03. I think I'll be visiting the local Panera more often. I had just finished my bagel when bsm called and was already done.. since he's just that good. He more than likely got the position.. and it's a GOOD paying position. Evening or Night shift, depending where he's needed, but it's going to be a long drive. I think he's excited about it. I know *I* am. I'm already spending the double money he'd be bringing in. Yes, some of the stuff is for him too. *looks all innocent.*
And now for the ignorance. It's ironic that today, after therapy where I talked about feeling like any excuse I have for not doing everything everyone else can is a cop out, that Dama's boy would say that I'm just using the government. He also said that people with mental disorders only hang out with people because they give them attention, and thus they use them and take advantage of them. *Twitch* That is suuuuch bullshit... but anyone who knows me, or anything at all about mental illness, understands why.
So, yeah, mild buzz kill. Worse is that he put Dama in such a foul mood that she probably ISN'T going to try out for the Ren Fest on Saturday, which in turn means I won't either. I don't want to do it alone, even though I want to do it. I think she and I would make a fun team for it. I'd like to say it doesn't bother me, but it does. The fact that I put the condition of having her there with is my own undoing, so I can't be upset with her for not wanting to, if she doesn't want to.
Plans change around a lot with the two of us. She's pretty spontaneous and easily cancels. I just like to know what's going on in some sort of advance and try to be flexible. I also like definate plans though. That's just me.
Got antibiotics for my wrist today and the number of a dermatologist to call tomorrow. I think I hang out at Dama's apartment tomorrow afternoon/eve. Maybe we can actually get a practice in and she'll be more inclined to sing again. We'll have to see.
complacent001) What time did you start this? 2:35 AM
002) Would you have sex before marriage?: Yes, and I did... course I later married him, but that's beside the point!
003) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers? Not a CRUSH but a few fantasies.
007) Do you have any birthmarks? Eyup.
008) Have you ever gotten your ass kicked? Literally, yes. Stupid bitches. In a fight... I've never been in a real fight.
009) Have you ever beat someone up? nope
011) Do you get online a lot? ..I don't understand the question.. GET online?
012) Are you shy or outgoing? I think I've become outgoing, just cause I don't give a damn anymore.
013) Do you shower? Yes, yes I do. Wanna watch?
014) Do you hate school? I rather liked school, it was the waking up early I hated.
015) Do you have a social life? Sorta. I have people I spend time with face to face every now and then.
016) Have you ever lied to your best friends? I probably have..I was young and foolish, I'm sure.
017) Do you have a secret people would be surprised knowing? Oh, yes I do.. and I'm not telling.
018) Would you ever sky dive? Is the plane crashing?
019) Do you like to dance? Only in my chair in front of the computer.
021) Do you like to travel? Eh, depends. Car trips suck. You know, I think I like the comfort of home.
022) Have you ever been suspended from school? No, but I should have been... twice.
023) Do you want to get out of your hometown? Ahh the wonder of living 45 minutes away from the close-minded hicks.
024) Are you spoiled? *sniffs* Ripe, not spoiled.
025) Do you like to get down on the first date or night? I'm married. Leeme alone.
026) Have you ever been dumped? Yes, but never to my face. Chickenshit bastards.
032) Are you a role model? Everyone should be like me! They just don't know it yet.
033) What name brand do you wear the most? Dress Barn, I think... but that's cause mom paid for them when she decided I didn't know how to dress myself.
034) What kind of jewelery do you wear? My titanium wedding band, all the time. Otherwise a large pendant and rarely earrings.
035) What do you have pierced? Just my ears, once each.
036) What do you want pierced? Mmmmm, not anytime in the forseeable future.
037) Do you like taking pictures? I do.
038) Do you like getting your picture taken? Depends how I look and if I get to photoshop them before anyone else sees them.
039) Do you have a tan? I'm transparent... and tan red.
040) Do you get annoyed easily? It takes a hell of a lot, but once that last straw falls I'm much more pissy.
041) Have you ever started a rumor? Yes. Some intentionally, but I was young.
042) Do you have your own pool? No, but my parents have one and I may have a membership soon to a public.
043) Do you prefer boxers or briefs? Just cover it up! PLEASE.
044) Did you get new pants today? Not unless the pants fairy left me a gift that I've yet to discover.
045) Have you ever played someone? No, I always have the highest hopes when I enter into anything.
047) Have you ever been fired from a job? Technically no. I was asked to not continue my training.
048) Do you even have a job? I'm a houseschmoe! It's a job damnit, and they can't fire me!
049) Do you daydream a lot? I plot picturesquely.
050) Do you have a lot of ex's? Not a LOT. Some were never really worth being called a relationship, much less an ex.
051) What do you want a tattoo of? I have my baby dragon, I still want my Self symbol and my Serenity symbol on my wrists.
053) What does your ex bf/gf look like? I'm sorry, I've worked too hard to block that.
054) What does your most recent crush look like? Just like my husband.
055) Are you rude? I'm tactfully sharp witted?
056) What was the last compliment you received? I was told I'm very cute "terminally cute" was the exact term used.
057) Do you like getting dirty? As in, with dirt.. only for the fun of washing it off and seeing the color go down the drain.
058) Is your bellybutton an innie or outie? Innie.
059) Are you flexible? Oh yeah. ;)
060) Could you ever be a vegetarian? If we weren't supposed to eat animals they wouldn't be made of meat.
061) Last real heartbreak? Finding out someone I had pinned my hopes on didn't return the feeling... at all... until AFTER I nearly made the biggest mistake of my life to be with them.
062) Describe your looks? 5'5 curvy, WIDE hips. Could stand to lose weight, and I'm trying. Shortish duel toned hair. Big blue eyes. Button nose. Cupid bow lips. Chicklet teeth.
063) If you had to completely dye your hair it'd be what color? Been there done that - Spun Copper
064) Would you ever date someone younger than you? If I weren't married. There's LOTS of intruiging youngins out there. >;)
067) When was the last time you went on a date? If you can count going out to dinner with the hubby, then this past Sunday night, early Monday morning.
068) How many rings until you answer the phone? As soon as I find it and get to it.
069) Do you look more like your mother or father? Definately my mother. It's eerie.
070) Do you cry a lot? At least once a week.. and thats a GOOD week.
071) Do you ever cry to get your way? Not specifically for that reason, but sometimes it helps.
072) If you had to amputate one limb, what would it be? Left leg too, no more ingrown toenail and I can still type.
073) What phrase do you use most on the phone? Love yeeeew (about 40 times before I let BSM hang up)
074) Are you the romantic type? I'm too easy to be romantic. I LIKE romance, but I'm more of a realist.
075) What do you like most about your body? My eyes.
076) What do you like least about your body? My underarms.
077) When was the last time you threw up? I had a bile rush yesterday.. haven't actually regurgitated in a few years either.
078) In the opposite sex, do you prefer blondes or brunettes? Brunnettes (or Redheads, woo)
079) What do the shoes you last wore look like? Black zip one side elastic on the other to the ankle fronted Dr. Scholl's.
080) Do you ever wear shirts to show your belly? Not on purpose.
081) What about cleavage? Hell yes.
082) Is your best friend a virgin? Nope.
083) Have you ever ------ someone up? Fucked them up you mean? Not that I can fucking recall, though I have a few years of memory block. I didn't get caught at least.
084) Have you ever been ------ up? See above, you fuckers.
085) What color are your underwear right now? Lavender.
086) What size shoe do you wear? 7 on average. I have weird little feet.
088) What is your screen name on AIM: You can't add me so: QueenDesmondus - I do not have delusions of grandeur.
089) How are you feeling right now? Tired and hungryish.
092) What time do you sleep in to? Until I wake up.
093) Has there ever been a rumor spread about you? Yup. Pathetic ones. So sad.
094) What is one of your bad qualities? I'm a control freak and DO think my way is usually best... for everyone.
095) What is one of your good qualities? I listen.
096) Would you marry for money? Already married, wasn't for money. I'm not a whore.
097) What do you drive? 1991 Mercury Grand Marquis. I call him 'DeSade'.
098) Are you more of a mama or daddy's child? They both wanted me to move out, but probably mama's.
099) When was the last time you cried in school? I cried in college, but it wasn't class related. Had to reformat my computer and lost a year of log files.
100) What time are you finishing this? 3:08 AM
hungryBut of course this is becoming a trend for night time. That and I was awake all of 5 hours during the DAYLIGHT hours and during an hour of that I was stuffing myself at Cici's. Damn you cheap and mass quantity buffet!
I'm irritated at the world, currently. The one place bsm sent his resume to about 2 different gov't jobs not only didn't call him back, but filled the positions. There's no new exciting ones either. I make him call morry, even if he's novacained up, about the typist position.
My rash MIGHT be getting better, or it may be mutating, who knows. The pustules have dried up (that'll learn you to eat while reading MY journal) so now its just really sore. Feels like a burned bruise. Not pleasant. It may be toxic or life threatening if its the rash that is a reaction to my one med. I'll check with my therapist on Thursday.
This weekend was decent. Had a picnic with Hugh, Rachel, BSM and Dama before going to help Dama move apartments. I grow more in my dislike of her bf. He needs bitchslapped for his pussy ways. I got a leather couch that fits beautifully in the groove abandoned by the spook bed, a digital camera, and a bathtub spa thing. Dama assures me she did not use it inappropriately. *G* We also talked about what we may sing for our audition and I reworked "Dueling Minstrels" for we female types. It could be quite.. wrong *EG* Speaking of wrong, that night I think bsm finally ruined my mattress. Probably will need a steam cleaner and febreeze to even remotely save it.
Sunday we had dinner at Mom's then bsm worked on aunt Terri's computer for near 5 hours. We got out of there at Midnight. Oog. She paid him healthily though and he needs to go back. He may have to completely reinstall Windows. The cousins have been dling too much crap.
My diet is still on a semi standstill and may soon become a full halt if things around here don't get more structured. It's hard to structure yourself when the person you want to spend time with is unstructured. I mean, hard to eat every 2 hours when you only are awake for 5 and just don't want to do anything. I'm worried about him STILL not having a job. *sighs*
Morry he goes to the dentist so that maybe he can eat on both sides of his mouth.
Meh, had to deal with people I consider friends threatening suicide over stupid shit. I know THEY don't think it's stupid shit but they have no idea what other crap they'll get to perservere though yet. And yes, it's worth it. Damn life with its worthwhileness and shit.
annoyedI swear, there've been so many days this week (meaning the week or however long since my last post) where I said 'i should really update my journal, theres stuff to tell' and of course, I did not. I mean, I have the journal online so that I don't have an excuse not to update, and i still procrastinate.
Maybe it's because I've shared much of what I've had to tell with people during conversation and didn't feel that I should have to write it here as well. I mean, I have it logged... but is that fair to those of you who weren't there?
I don't know. Oh, where to begin..
I haven't been sleeping well. Take a gander at this posting time, don't be surprised at it. Despite my best efforts I didn't fall into any kind of stable sleep until sometime after 10 am this morning. Bleh.
I've restarted actually recording my diet habits because I'm tired of fluxuating around the same weight for the past month. I have a 5 to 10 lb goal to lose by the 2nd of May. Thats just under 2 weeks and it CAN be done, at least the 5.
Tomorrow I'll be walking probably about 2 miles and may go wander a shopping center. Park far from the store and walk to the one i need to as well.
Dama and I are going to audition for the Pittsburgh RenFest this year. Tryouts are some time in May. We're going to work on some songs for the audition. I'm excited. Plotting to make my REAL corset for then. I won a 1902 vintage grommet press on eBay. *hops around* I don't know for sure how well it will work, but it's an antique and a clever decoration at worst, and bsm was all for me trying to get it. Which I did, for much less that I expected. Yay Dessy.
If it doesn't work, I already know where to get one that will, and how much it will cost. No biggie.
Bsm called the few places that I had applied him for online, 2 of the 3 positions are still open and I'm really hoping he gets one. Both are good deals in their own ways. We'll see. His tooth is either losing a filling or has developed a new cavity, so thats a minimum of 50 and up to 100 dollars we'll have to drop to fix. He's in pain. Poor bsm.
Dani didn't call me tonight to discuss her decision. I'll tell you about it when I hear from her. I'm pretty sure she's going to pass it up and I really wish she wouldn't. Her life, you know. I just don't want to have to be a 'told you so' kind of person when she realizes her mistake.
My godfather's birthday was Sunday and his wife threw a surprise party, which of course I went to. Whenever he'd come over to our house for hunting season (or really any time he visited) he would have black coffee and my mother made it a running gag to always serve it to him in a pink 'secretary of the year' mug. He would make a face, bitch about the pink mug, then tell us he was secure enough in his masculinity to drink out of it, which he would. Soooo, being the WONDERFUL goddaughter I am *EG* I spent the hour before I had to be at my mothers seeking out a pink mug. Finally found one that said 'godmother' of all things and got it.
I wrote him a poem to go along with it that everyone adored. I think it was a hit. Also got to hang out with mom and dad, just us. Bsm stayed home due to the hour I had to be there.
When I headed home I stopped at K-mart to look for forks, since somehow we have dwindled our supply, and that's where I had gotten them before. I wandered around there a while before seeing shoes that bsm could wear, and they were much less than the 80+ dollar ones I HAD been looking at for him. He wasn't able to drop his game at that point for me to pick him up so we intended to do it Monday.
I took a nap when I got home because, like I said, haven't been sleeping well. Didn't really nap well either, but hey, I tried. About 2 hours later bsm was rubbing on my hip and loving on me. Apparently he finds me most attractive when i'm unconcious, or as he puts it "quiet and still". Damn boys.
So then we went out and got some food, since there was none in the house and I talked to Dani til my phone died. We went to SuperWalmart, since its 24 hour and by this point it was midnight, and got some more necessities and then, on a whim, i had him look at shoes there, since i spotted the same brand.
After an HOUR of him wandering around with one shoe on and one shoe off commenting on how high the soles were by mimicing a peg legged pirate 'yar' and me pretty much rolling on the ground with laughter, he found ones he liked. 40 dollars less.. woot. I like em, AND they're steel toed.
I had intended to try on some smaller sized pants, just to appease my curiousity while I was there, but their dressing rooms are closed from 11pm to 7 am. *pouts*
Maybe I'll hit the mall while I'm out wandering later today, or Wednesday after my final chiropractor appt.
You know, I start to wonder if it really HAS been that long since I last posted. I think I posted on Thursday or Friday, just much has happened. Much happies mostly, but still things are being delayed.
We STIIIIILLL haven't recieved our updated lease to sign and I'm not going to file my bankruptcy until I have written documentation that I'm not going to be thrown out. SSD .. well.. you know how that is.
Meh. But still, overall happies. :)
contentWe still haven't found a job for bsm. I don't know for certain how much unemployment is left but I fear it's less than a month's worth. I have no plan (there are none to make) if he loses it. It's not like he hasn't been applying to things I find for him, there's just so little OUT there. And it's really pointless to take something that, after gas, will give us LESS than his unemployment so he needs a job that pays a minimum amount of money.
I read that they're not going to extend UC benefits, which means when he's out, he's out. I really don't know what to do about this.
No one has bought my Stupiduel from me yet on ebay so that could be a few dollars I've lost.... and I really wanted it to work out.
Dama and I are going to spend some time together Friday.. ooh, that's tomorrow. YAY. She's going to let me use her digital camera to take pictures of some of the other things I want to sell, including the still tagged oilskin duster. I hope someone wants it. Its huge (which I know is hard to find) and nice... and never worn.
I leave in about a half hour to talk to my Psychiatrist. Basically tell him that if outside sources called 'life' didn't interfere with my treatment the medication would be working perfectly... and that I want off the addictive sleeping pill kthanx.
Tomorrow afternoon I go back to the MLM pushing chiropractor, which I did tell I was not interested in becoming a partner to his company and have to sell more stuff to people who don't have the money and feel obligated because they are my friends.
*burps a bit of her vitamin and makes a face*
Niccy has been great to talk to lately, I feel much more comfortable knowing that he, who is almost always around, even if just by name on the wall, to talk to. Spook and I were playing but she pinged out and never came back. Mel was on the other night and that was just awesome til I had to go to bed. Renny *snugs* this post is not devoid of my Officially claimed lap. Renny is just a sweetheart who needs to dwell less on the past (ha, you're black, kettle!) and try to enjoy his life. Maybe start living it beyond surfing and recreational ... means. But it's his life, and if thats what he chooses in it, good for him.
I so have to do house stuff. Theres 3 animal environments that have been left to their own devices too long. (one doesn't even have an animal IN it anymore) There's ants in the kitchen which is my evil and not easily ignored sign that I have to do dishes and clean in there.
Don't even ASK about the schlektzimmer's progress. At least I'm still on my diet, more or less.
Meh.
worried
You'll buy at LEAST one won't you?
Help feed my starving rats.
Help feed the game creator's future child.
Help shut me the hell up already
If we sell out, I'll list again. Don't worry.. just get you some!
*squeak* <-- the hungry rat beeseches thee.
See, there were SO many HIGHLY emotional opportunities since my last post to update this.. but i DIDN'T. So.. now you get the short version of crappy things.
Tuesday I felt like crap and had bsm cancel my therapy. I went and talked to an attorney on wednesday about the bankruptcy and we're pretty much a cut and dry kinda deal. No assetts, etc. Just had to make sure we had the money to give her before we told her to go ahead with the paperwork. No problem, i figured, tax return comes in on Friday. I stopped in at the therapists office on wednesday and made my other appt for thursday morning. Came home, and threw my hip out loading and moving the dishwasher.
Meh.
Slept through therapy Thursday, therapist was not amused. Got to find a chiropractor that took my insurance that would take me thursday (even though all the places were closed) and amazingly i DID. It hurt like a motherfucker. Played with Syk online for a while then he and I got into a deep conversation about J. I should have just gone to bed as soon as i finished playing. Bsm was waiting for me, there were woodles.. and instead I talked about J. *mutter* I bawled for a good while before telling J in no uncertain terms to not talk to me until he got his shit together. Got to bed around 4 am still trying to stop sobbing.
Then I got to go back again on friday to the chiropractor, after finding out that my tax refund was 556.50 LESS than expected because our accountant fucked up back in 2001 and even though we've called her a few times to try to remedy the situation she never got back to us.. soo they just decided to KEEP what they thought we owed them. Meaning: not enough for bankruptcy. *flails* I was so angry when I was getting ready for my therapist that i was shaking.
Got crunched, the dr tried to get us to join a MLM he's part of. Thats going to be a big NO. I go back tomorrow. I started crying in Friedmans when they didn't have any veggie pizza just because I was so fucking tired of all this shit. I didn't want to go home and there was at least SOME money in the bank from the return so bsm took me out to lunch at Cece's a new pizza buffet that opened out here. Of course, even though its only 3.99 for all you can eat they don't take credit cards.. well they do, but you have to use their atm which charges an extra 99 cents and you can only do denominations of 10. Oh, and since it wasn't my banks atm i got charged 1.50 fee.
Meh. This was not the way to make the day better. We came home with full bellies and I think I took a nap, shortly thereafter realizing that I'm not pregnant.
Saturday I played with spook for a lil while and it was great, but we were supposed to play more after we spent time with our men. Bsm n i went out to the Lyndora hotel for dinner.. again they didn't take credit cards so i got to run across the street and use ANOTHER non supported atm. 1.50 fee for using it, and another 1.50 for it being not my atm. Dinner was ok. Dunno if i'll eat there again. The service was good, but.. eh. Then we drove to BFE to see if the place we liked eating at still existed, seeing as we couldn't find their number in the phone book anymore and the number we DID have no longer worked.
Its still there. That's something.
Got home around 11 and there was no spook. Niccy said she'd stopped in for a moment when no one was around and left again, so I guess I missed my chance to continue playing. After a while I snuggled with bsm n watched a bit of LOTR: FOTR which we'll watch more of tonight, then we slept.
Today we went to mom's for an early easter dinner and my cousin Duane was there as well as my Great Uncle Lloyd, my sister, her husband, my mom and dad, and bsm and I. Before we even ate mom directed us to our easter 'baskets' which were actually lil pretty bags of candy.. even though I'm on a diet. Under bsm and my bags was an envelope.. with a 500 dollar check in it. We owe it back via the loan we have from her... but, now we can file.
I almost cried later when I was hugging her to thank her for it. I think she realizes we've been through way too much shit. So we had a really good dinner, laughter, witty wisecracks. It was nice. Didn't find out til AFTER dinner that Duane's wife, Martha (who we always called Aunt martha, because they're like older 2nd cousins once removed n stuff) had passed away in December. I guess no one remembered to tell me. Luckily I didn't ask Duane how Martha was doing during dinner, because I meant to. *smirks*
*sigh* So, now we're home. Really didn't do much this eve but sit n stare at the screen. I'm listening to Red's shoutcast at http://starburst.psychz.net:8000/listen.pls which, if you put that into winamp by clicking alt+l then you could listen too if he's still playing stuff.
He has decent taste so, I don't mind it one bit.
K, soon to go snuggle n watch more of frodo getting the shit kicked out of him for being pure of heart. Christ, anyone?
tiredTime for story time with Dessy about the wonders and complex insanities of her life and thoughts.
We'll start with my therapist thinking that, though my actions are a normal thing, my way of interpretting them is not. This is backwards to what *I* had figured out. Oh well.
We sat down trying to figure out how I rate my thoughts, feelings, and actions in relation to anxiety. I really don't like the word anxiety to describe negative things. I mean, because being anxious (unless i'm using it wrong) doesn't really mean that bad things are happening inside. Its more than anticipation of negative things either. I get anxious for good things. I dunno.. is weird.
Basically what she's trying to work on with me is cognative distortion and the like. And of course I have problems seeing my thoughts as 'distorted' so much as just not helpful. Negative thinking. OH OH Self-defeating thoughts. *nods at all of her terms she has stored up there* I've seen some in the past week as it was. I attribute some to low self-esteem and trust issues. My fear that people are just telling me things so that I'll feel good and not because they were true. I still can't be sure and it bothers me because my brain says that they're lying and that i'm not good like they say, that they're just being nice and really i disgust them and they only see me as something they feel obligated to put up with for one reason or another.
I resist the 'i'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me' mantra.
Then there's the too high self esteem and insult when people don't raise up to my standards for things. Like bsm not applying for a job that paid a ridiculous amount because he felt the drive was too far. It was gone by the time he took a look at it after I read it to him. As if my reading it word for word was not good enough.
I was really pissed because I felt that *I* do and HAVE done things to help us out that required shit that I didn't want to do, yet he wasn't willing to. I got over it after a while, realizing its his decision, even if it affects me. He's the one who'd have to do it and though we're in a shitty situation, I don't want him to hate what he's doing or resent me.
*sigh*
Its messy in my head. Fuck you correct spelling and grammar, this is MY journal where fore i rant as i choose. I need not play spell check with you!
I thought I had more to say. I probably do. I just can't or won't think of it right now.
I see two attorney's tomorrow. One is a very nice price.. the other won't tell me the price until i get there. I missed therapy today because i feel physically crappy, not emotionally.
If I remember more later I'll tell ya bout it.
N, J if you really want to leave online... don't just use it as a threat against me. Live whatever life you want.
groggyFirst off bsm n i actually got into a normal night time sleep schedule starting wednesday eve. Thursday he had an interview at a temp agency and wanted me to go with for the ride, so while he was in there I wandered around the town and found lots of cool places we will be visiting when he's employed. One place had gourmet coffees, gelato, and quiche. Its like a god of a lil store. Slept well that night and Friday morning I awoke to great niceness.. and later knocked the bed off its frame. *innocent look*
During all these days we watched Hellraiser I-V and had dinner and meals together. Friday he walked with me up to the playground so I could swing on the swings. It too was very nice. When I got back Dama invited me out to the bar and even drove me back home. Saturday she came, picked me up, we had lunch out, and I drove my car back home. Saturday eve bsm n i went to our friends and watched the second part of Shogun after just rambling for a while. It was a really good time. We finally went home around 11 just because we were ready to drop into sleep sitting there.
Today we woke up at a decent hour again, had lunch together, and then dinner at moms. Oh, yes.. and wendy gave me my ratties back! RATTIES HOME! *dances around*
She did a great job helping along their socialization. Jethteh is just completely calmed about crawling around and sitting on your shoulder and being petted with your cheek. NIMH is still timid, but even he merrily ran around on me and let me give him love.
I made a page to show off my rodents.
RODENTS!
Lookit! *skweels*
k, nuff for now. YAY HAPPY
happyTherapy today was very productive.. or at least now the productive part has started to take effect as I really absorb what I was to think about. We spoke of my problems with things that I hadn't considered as being part of what I must accept in my reality as possible. I think it has a lot to do with me wanting to be prepared to deal with things. There is no doubt that my realm of accepted possibilities is broad, which is what makes the occurrance of something new so shocking and difficult to deal with.
I liken my reaction and reasoning to a battle. If I know I may have to face a swordsman, I train myself with a sword. A duel of guns, I work on my draw and marksmanship. But when the opponent is completely foriegn to me I am caught not only off gaurd but with no idea how to fight back. As if I'm to box and have atrophied arms because I never thought I'd have to train them. My therapist points out that the helpless feeling I get then I handle quite... what should I say... uniquely and quickly. She says I immediately push the helpless back and begin strategizing and analyzing to find a way to deal with what is put before me.
Again, I suppose it really does go back to the battle and training scenario. I may not know know how to box, but I can draw a gun, I can swing a sword.. and some of the same techniques I have employed for those things must be of use to me in this fight. So my scope of training, though impromptu, expands.. as does the scope of my understood reality and basis of being.. and I battle on.
My therapist has also asked me to figure out what I think about when I pick at things on me. I think I may have figured it out on some level. Usually it is something infected, or that may have infection beneath it. Perhaps I don't trust my body to heal itself, or I'm too impatient to wait for it. I want the infection out. Which I could interpret as wanting the impurities, or the bad things, the negative things, the things I don't want in me to be removed. Sometimes they're dead parts, like the skin around my fingers. Usually its something that is sensitive or painful to touch and I see extraction as the best way to take that pain away. I suppose this makes sense on higher levels of understanding myself. That there are other parts of me that I do not like, that hurt me, that I cannot remove and this frustration leads me to do whatever I can on those parts I have such a level of control over. Unlike a cutter, the blood letting isn't really the desired goal at all, but more of evidence that the thing that needs removed has been. The blood is a pure and natural thing that belongs and is welcome to fill the hole left by what is gone. It makes me ponder if there is such a pure and natural thing to fill the holes that will surely be left if I should ever get the parts I cannot reach out, and if so, what it would be.
I begin to believe that my passion for metaphor to explain things may actually be due to the fact that everything I do is a metaphor on some level for what I don't feel I can affect. Bsm agrees with me on this. That I counter the things that I don't know how to solve with some simplified reaction on things I can alter. Again, with the metaphor, we can liken it to a child who does not have a real effect upon the world will find a way to feel like he is affecting that which he can. Example: mom and dad fight, so child punches his pillow. He slams things he can touch. He acts out from his anger and frustration of not being able to remedy that which upsets him, that which he cannot punch away, slam away.
Philosophy in the wee hours.
contemplative*listens to the sound of someone burning another warped mark into her bubble*. You know who you are. I love you regardless, but don't do this to yourself anymore, ok? I wish you could love yourself the way that we all love you. That means you don't take sharp things to vital parts of your body (ok, to ANY parts of your body). Or put poison in your system. Or anything else that is a means to damage you in any way. *hugs on the one she loves so much*
I wish you would have called me last night.. I understand why you felt you needed to do what you did, but there are so many other ways to let out your pain.
I know I'm supposed to use "I" statments when I explain how things make me feel...but you're turning my core beliefs and acceptances of what is my world all around and I'm trying so hard to stay on my feet. Could you please just let everything settle back to something solid for us both? I love you. I don't want either of us to fall anymore.
We both need to be strong. I know you're strong, I've seen it.. and now you've showed me quite enough that I can be too.. so.. you can go back to being the strong one again, ok? I'm exhausted by it.
I am thankful that you didn't do anything that couldn't be sewn up and that maybe now all of you can heal. I don't think I could have dealt with a different kind of phone call. I'm not that strong.
thankfulOk, so i figured I should post SOMETHING. I mean how much of a hypocrite am i when i look over everyone elses un-updated journals and think 'figures'.
I slept screwy all week.. well til the past few days. Of course I keep waking up in the middle of the night, but seeing as I went to bed before 9 pm, i expected it. Diet is going well even though I haven't been keeping correct track of what I eat. I'm starting to think that I've melded into it well enough that I no longer have to write everything down. Just mentally assess and all. Definately need more exercise.
We may be able to file the bankruptcy next month due to income tax returns. It seems highly likely in fact, so I'm looking forward to that. There may even be some extra to get tweek his new cage and bring the ratties home. I miss them... and sister says they smell bad. I live with bsm.. i'm used to such things. Also they'd have a much bigger home so, that may help.
I really wish bsm would find a job. I grow nervous on that front. I would like to know whats happening with my SSD.. as in have it started and know when and how much backpay i'll get. I've been trying to make the cd that Dani requires but.. I seem to suck everytime I try. I really don't know what else to do about that.
At least I've got bills paid and all is good there.
Technically things are as good as they can be right now. Bsm n I are trying to be together more, which is semi happening. Mostly its due to lack of things to do. Tuesday we're going out to Sam's club. Maybe we'll go to brueggers too if he's up to it. This will be after my therapy so, we'll see.
Went to a friends house on Saturday and watched the first 2 hours of Shogun after having dinner at Ponderosa with them. It was a really nice time. I like being out. Unfortunately both bsm n i were exhausted from trying to switch our sleep schedules around.
I started playing in a new channel with a new character. Its highly adult themed. There will be horrible things happening to her. Why does this make me grin and giggle?
In other news
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go there.. order a deck from me.
cavern@blue-covenant.org
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calmI begin to think there may be something wrong with me. Or its just really wicked pms. I'm extremely tired, even just after waking up AND napping. I'm eating right, taking my vitamins. I don't feel sick other than just being really cold, but i'm usually cold.
I don't know if i'm getting depressed but my attention span is lacking. This could also be due to feeling just so damn tired. I tried to play shanghai ( www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/shanghai.p
I don't want to rp... just don't have the concentration for it, and even if i started i fear my dark tendency would corrupt my precious little slut bag character into something worse.
I could be good and go load the dishwasher but, honestly I think I'm going back to bed after this post without any other distraction.
I really don't know if I'm falling into depression or not. Its.. not exactly feeling like that. *chews on her cheek* Its all just weird. I don't know if there are plans for this weekend. Dama won't be apt hunting until august at earliest, if at all, so I won't be doing that. Don't know if I want to get out... well.. i mean i DO want to get out, but I don't know if just to hang out with friends.
I want to have money and go spendy happy n.. get milk! Oooh ahh! You splurge person you!
Maybe I'm still in shock at all the reality that's invaded my world the past few weeks. I start to feel like I really do live in a bubble of some kind of mundanity... where from I can see all the things outside of it that piss me off and make me want to stay in my bubble. And then someone who is part of my bubble of reality pokes a hole in it by going off and doing something that I'd never expect, or having something happen that my mind hadn't let me fathom as possible. Its not like it pops my bubble or anything, just makes these new areas that aren't the part of my bubble I wanted, but are now part of what I must accept in my world.
.... something has to give soon. I want to say "i don't think I can take this much longer" but of course I can, and will... because thats what I do. I'd rather NOT take this much longer, I'd rather it get better and let life continue and start making my bubble a nicer place to be in. Right now it might be suffocating me with how small I've been making it become.
My metaphors hurt my head.
tiredWOO! I've lost 20 lbs so far on my diet. I ran some figures (obsessive compulsive much?) and by july I should be pretty much back to my weight when I met bsm... 6 years ago. That is of course if I keep up the pace of weight loss I have been. *prances* It also coordinates with swimsuit season. Mwhahaha.
Also if i keep up the rate then next sunday I'll have lost 10% of my original body weight.
I'm a recovering fatty. *nods*
When I went walking friday I had on pants that mom bought me right before I started my very last job last april (or may) and because of my loss they've gotten a bit baggy. Well it was SO windy out that the air catching in them and hitting me in the back nearly buckled my knees as I waited at crosswalks. I'm a kite!
I'm afraid to type that good things are happening for fear of jinxing them... sooo we'll see. Just.. umm wish trees for dessy n bsm!
N the rest of the people I care about. TREEEES
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