Nikky's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar] Nikky [ website | Geocities.com/thekeysranoff/index.htm ] [ userinfo | blurty userinfo ] [ calendar | blurty calendar ]

blegh [10 Feb 2004|05:35pm] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Good Morning Vietnam Dvd ] Morpheus ?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla post comment

It doesn't matter HOW HARD I TRY I will NEVER BE ABLE TO. [30 Jan 2004|09:50pm] [ mood | stressed ] I can't do it!!! I can't be perfect! I can't be thin enough AND healthy, it's IMPOSSIBLE. I can't have a totally flat stomach, with hip bones sticking out and ribs showing AND BE HEALTHY NO MATTER WHAT I DO. I'm going to fucking CRY. Scratch that. I am fucking crying. Bobby doesn't know, he doesn't know what 115 looks like at 5'6, he wants a flat stomach and a girl who looks like a model, but he wants me to be healthy, and he doesn't know that no matter what you DO, you CANT be a healthy weight and look like a model, there's a reason why they barely ever have kids, they're TOO UNDERWEIGHT TO MENSTRUATE. You CANT be a healthy weight and have a totally, entirely flat stomach damnit! I sent him a picture of my stomach today and he goes "Yeahhhh, I want you at that" but he doesn't know that that's what I look like NOW, at 111, he thought it was taken at 115, and earlier he had me eat enough to gain weight, 2,400 calories (That WILL make me gain weight, my metabolism's dead) and then he says THAT. I tried to purge for the first time in Four Months. I couldn't help it. I got about a tablespoon worth of food up, I'm out of practice. I CANT DO THIS. Who fucking gives a damn anymore, I don't want to worry about it, any of it, I want to give up, I don't want to eat anything. If I Eat, I worry about it. 1 comment|post comment

I suppose It's been awhile. [30 Jan 2004|12:02am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Hey Little Girl -I've forgotten by who ] Yeah, I guess I really haven't updated in a really long time. I'm really only updating now because it's late, I'm bored, I'm physically tired, but I can't sleep because I'm worrying about bobby too much. I can call him in twelve hours and make sure everything's okay. I really don't think I'll be able to sleep until then. Which really, really sucks. I'm really really worried him. I love him a lot. He sounded so depressed, all he wanted to do was lay down, and I had the idea that wasn't the best thing for him, but I know how he feels all too well. I'm trying to find a recipe for homemade french fries. I'm gonna make like a fucking feast tomorrow(technically today), I'm so bored. There's no school tomorrow(today), either. Because it's an inservice day. We had the last day of finals today(yesterday). In my english class we all finished finals like 40 minutes early. So we played Heads-up 7-up and Telephone. Mrs. Muir was really really amused and said that she'd never known a different highschool class to play such games, or be caught dead of even considering it. Blargh. I want Bobby to be okay. All right, I'll leave. post comment

Complaints. Ignore. [14 Dec 2003|07:49pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Crimson and Clove -Tommy Roe ] I hate this. I really really do. I feel horrible for complaining all of this but gr. I hate this. I hate not being able to eat when I'm hungry and having to eat when I'm not. I hate the way food runs my whole life. I hate the way that every morning I run my hands down my stomach to make sure it hasn't magically morphed into a small elephant; and then run to the scale and strip in the freezing cold of my bathroom to make sure the numbers haven't changed. Everyone makes jokes about it being silly of me and I guess it really is but I can't help it, and I hate it, and it's never going away, and It scares the hell out of me, I can't describe it... the best way I've heard is from Marya Hornbacher, when she called it a "wellspring of terror in my chest" ... everybody thinks it's a joke and not serious unless I'm starving myself but god I hate it, it hurts more than starving, and I miss the dizzyness and the shaking from malnutrition, grr... I hate this. 1 comment|post comment

Been a long time since the rock n roll... [22 Nov 2003|07:40pm] [ mood | content ] [ music | Beethoven's 5th symphony ] A lot of stuff has gone on right now. I don't want to talk about it though. Because a lot of it's depressing. and I've had way too much caffeine to be depressed right now. And I really don't want to turn depressive because I explained everything that's going on. Plus nobody really reads this anyway because it's been so long since I've updated. So yeah. I am the most easily contented person in the world. All you have to do is go away, leave me everything in the house so that I never have to leave it, and stay gone. All I need is food, a biography or a historic book, tea, beethoven, and my glasses, and I'm happy. Anyhow. that's what a lot of the day consisted of. God I don't know why, but I *love* being home along like that. I don't know, maybe it's because that way I don't have people around, I don't have to worry about how I look, and I don't have anyone telling me what I need to be doing or not doing. I talked to Anthony today. Anthony-Bobby's-cousin-Anthony. It was interesting. You can tell that I don't talk to people very much when I mention talking to Anthony as a major part of my day. But you know.. usually I really don't talk to anyone. Besides Mom, and Bobby, and occasionally my dad. Everyone else I'm just silent around. Unless I'm online. and internet-ally talking to someone doens't cound, because then you're typing. but anyway... I talked to Anthony. and it scared the hell out of me for a moment, until I realized that you know, it was okay. He was bobby's cousin, Bobby gets along with him (some of the time) so he must not be all that bad, after all, he sacrificed his beloved jacket to give to me.. but I was still shaking and all. I am having an interesting conversation with megan about her imagination. x oobluck: *pokes* tsk tsk nicole, I live in my head. x oobluck: (oh yeah megan, that makes a lot of sense) TheKeysRunOff: XD TheKeysRunOff: wow TheKeysRunOff: that was random. x oobluck: no noooo, I mean, I live in my imaginaaaaaaation! THERE! TheKeysRunOff: OOOH! TheKeysRunOff: can I live in your imagination too? x oobluck: sure! x oobluck: as soon as I clear out all these boxes, I can maybe get you a nice patch of floorspace. TheKeysRunOff: hahahah TheKeysRunOff: I could live ontop of the boxes. x oobluck: okay. but that'll cost rent, you have to give me two donuts a week. TheKeysRunOff: granted there aren't any sharp swords that could stab me when I sat on one. TheKeysRunOff: okay. x oobluck: erm... there are a couple, you'll have to watch out for those. TheKeysRunOff: What's the employment rate in your imagination? x oobluck: and whatever you do, DO NOT open the big box in the corner. x oobluck: not so good. only 15% of the residents living in my imagination are employed in some way or another. TheKeysRunOff: what is in the big box in the corner? x oobluck: I'm not sure, but sometimes it rumbles at night. x oobluck: so I wouldn't open it. TheKeysRunOff: uh oh. TheKeysRunOff: you have a demon in your imagination, megan. x oobluck: oh boy! I always thought it was just moldy food that I left in there, but you never know, you could be right. I think that's about all. yep. I'm doing pretty well lately. At least right now. Nicole post comment

Edgar Allan Poe is good [07 Nov 2003|08:13pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Rock Me -Steppenwolf ] I heed not that my earthy lot hath-little of earth in it that years of love have been been forgot in the hatred of a minute I mourn not that the desolute are happier, sweet, than I but that you sorrow for my fate who am a passer by -Edgar Allan Poe 2 comments|post comment

Take it easy, I thought you know, that I have never been loved like this before [02 Nov 2003|10:34am] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Rock Me Gently -Andy Someone ] Okay, it's been a really long time, I realize. But I'm updating now, so isn't that good? I am watching Whose Line Is It Anyway. I made Bobby's ring fit. I had to put about a half inch of electrical tape around the bottom though...... Rick and I broke up.... yeah. I watched a documentary on Rats today... I have been bored. I want to call kat, but I think she may still be asleep and I really don't want to wake her up if she is.... I'm gonna go... Yep, I am alive -nod- and I got my current grades.... I have an 88% in keyboarding >< ::beat self with a shovel:: post comment

Testing. [28 Sep 2003|01:08pm] Okay, I'm just testing. I need to remember to Edit this entry or Delete it or whatever. 1 comment|post comment

Long time no talk. [25 Sep 2003|10:37pm] [ mood | loved ] [ music | Ariels -System of a Down ] Okay. Hm. Mom and me are moving into Salem sometime next month. I am very addicted to The Hardest Button to Button by The White Stripes. I need to go because I am being yelled at by my mom. But yeah. Life is good right now. Love! 1 comment|post comment

Blahh [21 Sep 2003|01:07pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | Headstrong -Trapt ] I'm confused post comment

ain't talkin' 'bout love [31 Aug 2003|05:35pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | ain't talking 'bout love -van halen ] hm. i am bored. i took a major walk today. and now i'm home. my dad is throwing a trantrumish thing, he left, he didn't take the car, he didn't have the keys so he just started walking -shrugs- he's not hurting us, he can stay away for as long as he wants. well.. i'm gonna see about changing my background post comment

[30 Aug 2003|06:18pm] haHA! i'm finally done with "The Hobbit" God, i hate that book. well, i go to school on tuesday. today is saturday night. so i have sunday and monday. i'm nervous :p post comment

[29 Aug 2003|04:03pm] Beatles! i want that shirt. it looks kinda big :/ maybe it's not. -shrugs- oh well. post comment

bleghhh [29 Aug 2003|10:01am] [ mood | nauseated ] i feel. so. bad. i woke up this morning nauseated and shakey and weak and lightheaded and dizzy and i got into the bathroom just before i went into dry heaves and gahhhhhh. this was not worth losing two pounds yesterday. i choked down cereal because i knew this was all because i hadn't eaten anything. and then i felt worse and i was sure i was going to throw up so i checked to see if we had pepto bismal. we don't. i stirred together some baking soda and water and took it... and then i felt mondo worse. but then i started to feel better. but i was still shaking/lightheaded/shakey/dizzy/weak. so i made myself eat a piece of bread. and now i am trying to eat saltine crackers. what a day. i hope this goes away before school starts. i went inside my school. i'll know my schedule on tuesday. it doesn't seem so awe-inspiringly big.. mainly because to me it looked like i was going in circles. which i wasn't. but the building curves so yeah. i'm gonna go attempt to drink something. post comment

I really liked this [27 Aug 2003|08:10pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] Being a Teenage Mom By Christy Kallies Hi! My name is Christy. I'm 25, and I have an 8 year old son. I bet I just caught you doing some mental arithmetic. Yes, I was 17 when he was born. My wedding anniversary is Aug. 27, 1990, and he was born Apr. 4, 1991. Stop counting on your fingers; he was born 7 and a half months after the wedding. What you just did is something that I face nearly every day of my life. If I mention to someone that I have children, the usual response is "You're too young to have children! How old are they?" When I answer that, most people's eyes glaze over for a moment as they try to estimate how old I am and how old I was when I became pregnant. There's another thing I see in their eyes: disapproval. I can see that their opinion of me has dropped a few points. I see the same thing happen to my son the first time his friends' parents meet me. They are, of course, expecting someone closer to their own age, perhaps 30 or so. And I can see them mentally adjusting their opinion of my son. Children of teenage moms are supposed to be troublemakers, dirty, and not very bright. Doogie, my son, doesn't get invited to many kids' houses, even though he's one of the most popular children in his class. Maybe they have a hard time dealing with me because I am not what they expect a woman who had a child as a teenager to be like. Truth is, I was not your stereotypical teenage mom, if there is such a thing. I was a good kid, I didn't smoke, drink, or get in trouble. I got good grades, was in choir, and didn't date around. I had a steady boyfriend for almost two years when we found out we were pregnant. We got married and have been married for over eight years. I don't regret for one moment the events that caused my son's birth. But I am sick and tired of people underestimating me because of it. I graduated in the top ten of my class and as a member of the National Honor Society. I was an overachiever in high school, and I haven't stopped just because of what's happened since then. I feel very strongly that I've tried twice as hard to be a good parent, because everyone is expecting me to fail. Maybe it's just the small town that I live in, but I doubt it. Society seems to hold the opinion that one mistake invalidates the rest of my life. It dooms me to a life of welfare, food stamps, and divorce. While it's true that there have been times that we've qualified for state assistance, there have been many times we haven't taken it. Pride I guess, and also the fact that it seems to be what people expect. I've worked twice as hard as most parents to prove these beliefs wrong. My son is no less rambunctious, clean, or smart than any other eight year old. Doogie is polite (most of the time), clean (some of the time), and smart (too damn much of the time), because I've made sure that he is a great kid. I never want to give anyone the opportunity to excuse his behavior because of when he was conceived. I don't want society to set up teen moms as role models, but I think there has to be a time when you are no longer judged by your actions as a teenager. Judge me and my son from the whole picture, not from you think we are because of my past. post comment

megan/my convo [22 Aug 2003|02:21pm] [ mood | discontent ] ( yeah, i finally typed it up ) 1 comment|post comment

-yawn- [22 Aug 2003|02:02pm] [ mood | bored ] alright, i changed the layout a little bit. i like it better now. although i made the layout at like two in the morning so nobody probably saw the way it was before anyway. megan is in the living room watching old school star trek and randomly saying "spock is sexy!" all the time. it's kind of amusing. i still haven't gotten that thing typed up. i'm procrastinating because my shifts don't like to always work. bleh.... i'll go do it now then. post comment

New Layout!! [22 Aug 2003|01:23am] [ mood | content ] [ music | Megan snoring ] ASS! I made this layout entirely by muhself. It sucks way bad compared to the one apey made BUT I MADE IT ENTIRELY ON MY OWN!!!!! AHH!!!! I feel so talented. Well, I went to the fair with megan. demetri couldn't show up because his wife was sick. it was fun. we had many conversations about penises and condoms and various things. Currently megan is sleeping on my bed... she keeps rolling over and hitting the wall XD. I can't sleep though. I think I'm going to type up the little note thing megan and i wrote back and forth earlier tonight and post it here. it is entertaining. yeah. i'll do that.... yeah. post comment

I don't know what to say here. [19 Aug 2003|04:46pm] [ mood | hungry ] Well. i am bored. i also feel really fat but that's nothing new. I need to have more things to do, god, anymore my life revolves around the next time i get to eat. it is sad. this thursday i'm meeting demetri.... i'm.. scared. quite. yes. but i'll be with megan. and i'll bet at the state fair. so it should all be okay. i wrote a poem thing. bobby made me submit it to a contest. it sucks but here it is anyway: ( yeah, it's kinda long ) post comment

blurty is not cool. [17 Aug 2003|04:04pm] [ mood | thirsty ] [ music | Walk Like A Man -Frankie Vallie/4 Seasons ] well, here i am to retype because blurt is a big mean person. ( Our mall/movie theater advent-wahr ) anyway. yeah. i can't wait until i get to go to the state fair with megan on thursday.. demetri set up a time for us ato 'accidentally' bump into eachother [!!!!] and he's gonna give me his black hooded sweatshirt and a picture. -excited- well, i'm off. post comment

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