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Slit your wrist Look! Stuff about me! [21 Jul 2004|12:29pm] [ mood | Perky! ] [ music | The clicking of spoons... ] [My name is]:Allison [in the morning i am]:Kinda angry that I'm still here. [love is]:A huge chore. [i dream about]: I don't dream very much. -With the opposite sex- [what do you notice first?]: Their 'goofiness'. If they're funny, I wanna be there. ^_^ [last person you slow danced with]: I've never danced with anyone. -Who- [do you have a crush on?]: I don't crush. I fall. [easiest to talk to]: Travis. -Have you ever- [fallen for your best friend]: Unfortunately, yes. And that was a big let-down.. -Do you//are you- [could you live without the computer]: Sadly, I'd have to say no. [what's your favorite food?]: Bread. [what's your favorite fruit?]: Pineapples. [what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: Emotional, by far. [trust others way too easily?]: Sometimes. Normally I just don't trust. -Number- [of times i have had my heart broken? ]: Once. No...twice. [of hearts i have broken?] : Someone has to like you in order for you to break their hearts, right? Right. Thats means none... [of boys i have kissed?] : None. [of girls i have kissed?] : None. [of drugs taken illegally?] : None... [of tight friends?] : I'd say about five. [of cd's that i own?] : Probably a little more than one hundred. [of scars on my body?] : *shrugs* There are too many to count. [of things in my past that i regret?] : Um...a lot. -Other Things- [i know]: where the rainbow ends. [i want]: to be pretty. [i have]: an addiction. [i wish]: people liked me. [i hate]: abortionists. [i miss]: the days when my friends thought I was funny. [i fear]: being alone. [i hear]: a ringing in my ears. [i search]: for someone to love me. [i love]: whoever/whatever will love me. [i ache]: for truth. [i care]: too much. [i always]: have an empty feeling inside... [i dance]: when I'm hyper and feel like acting stupid. [i cry]: when I hear beautiful/intense music. [i do not always]: feel like I look. [i write]: when I get inspired, or am sad. [i confuse]: everyone. [i can usually be found]: in my room, on the computer, or playing some instrument. [i need]: someone here to love me. -Self Analysis- [your best feature (personality)]: Um..I listen to everyone, even when I feel like talking about myself sometimes.. [your biggest flaw (personality)]: I overact over stupid things. [most annoying thing you do]: Judge without thinking. [biggest mistake you've made this far]: Trusted myself into thinking I'd get better.. [describe your personality in one word]: Morbid. [the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: My hair or eyes. [person you regret sleeping with]: Um..Billy-bob Thorton? I've never slept with anyone... [a smell that makes you smile]: Roses and Corey's cologne when he hugs me. [a country you'd like to visit]: Ireland. [a drink you order most often]: Water, although if I drank pop, it would be root beer. [a delicious desert]: Basically anything with chocolate. [a book you highly recommend]: Girl, Interrupted [the music you prefer while alone]: It depends on my mood...maybe classical, maybe angry and depressing music.. [your favorite band]: Probably Dave Matthews Band. [a film you could watch over and over]: X2. ^_^ I watched it last night. WoOt! [a TV show you watch regularly]: Degrassi. ::sigh:: I know, I'm a phailure. And the OC when it's on!! [you live in a(n)]: house. [your cologne or perfume]: Clinique Happy. Ironic, huh? [under your bed or in your closet you hide]: Something no one can see....ever.... [something important on your night table]: My light for when I get scared.

Slit your wrist AshenFaces [19 Jul 2004|03:36pm] [ mood | good! ] [ music | Some mix my friend made.. ] Woo Hoo!! I changed my screen name! It's now AshenFaces@aol.com. Yay! I like it...

Slit your wrist Home [18 Jul 2004|12:06pm] [ mood | okay ] I'm back in Georgia now. Everything is settled. I decided to stay here until my college years. The reason I stayed was because of band. I've been doing so well in band in Georgia, and if I went to Illinois, I knew I'd have to start over. And that wouldn't be very good if I am going for a music scholarship. So there you have it. 'Home' now refers to Georgia. It's got its downsides...such as being with my family all the time and having to deal with the stupid people I once and already dealt with. But it's also got its upsides, such as seeing my friends and such. Then again, there will always be pros and cons in life, so one must get over that... My brother is staying home for a while. Probably about a year or a little more. He needs to 'get back on his feet' and get out of debt, so living in a house without rental fee may do him some good. Now he just has to get off his butt and get a job. Then again, so do I.... I'm taking my test for my license on the 23rd. I'm really nervous already. It's going to be so horrible, but I really need a license, so I can drive myself to a job and back from band practice and such. Please, God, let me get my license. School is almost here. I can't believe it. It seems like Summer has barely begun, because I've been in Illinois the whole time. It seems like it was wasted, even though I know it wasn't... I know I'm going to miss some people in Illinois, like Aunt Bobbi, Uncle Tim, Jackie, Jessie, and Aunt Kelly, but I'll still be in touch with them, I hope. They are really cool people. Krystle was funny, but definitely unreliable. I couldn't tell her a secret if my life depended on it. Sorry, Krystle, but it's true.

Slit your wrist [15 Jul 2004|01:51am] WHEEEE!!! ^_^

Slit your wrist Home. [08 Jul 2004|06:22pm] [ mood | Meh... ] [ music | Brand New - "What Went Wrong" ] I'm going to Ohio tomorrow, where we will help my brother pack. After that, we're going to my grandmother's house for a day. Then we will head home... We'll be in Georgia for one day, then we're coming back to Illinois. We're only following my brother to Georgia because his car is a piece of crap, and we need to make sure he makes it okay. The only thing I'm worried about is hiding my arms from my dad when we get to Georgia. I mean, I know it'll only be one night, but still...he's always suspicious about wristbands and longsleeved shirts and such. I guess we'll see what happens.... I was going to write something about my mom in here..but I forgot what it was.

Slit your wrist Angry... [08 Jul 2004|01:12pm] [ mood | angry ] [ music | Singing to Myself ] Okay, so I stayed up all night a two nights ago. My dad found out I was on the computer most of that time, and freaked out on my mom, who then freaked out on me. Yesterday was a bad day.... I overdosed on four prescriptions, and I felt like shit. I couldn't walk..I couldn't stand up, I couldn't open my eyes all the way, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I couldn't, though, because then my mom would know something was wrong with me. She gave me some Tylenol because she thought I had a cold. I was like "Yay! More pills!" But yeah...I'm doing better today, unfortunately. We still haven't gotten my records for school yet. We're supposed to do that today. I hope my mom does it soon, because I don't want to be stuck in Georgia again...I'd die. I haven't talked to Krystle in a long time. Actually, I haven't talked to her since she took me skating, and that was a couple weeks ago. I'm glad I'm not moving down here for her...because that would be a huge disappointment. I'm just too weird for her, and I've accepted that. I have scars on my arms, she doesn't. I hide my body, she doesn't. I keep to myself...she doesn't. We're getting my brother Saturday (?) I think. Somewhere around that day.... Then we're going to Georgia, where I'll spend about a week there. I'll spend a lot of time with Kathryn, because she's the one that is going to be sad I'm leaving..I think.. I finally told Ashley and Kathryn that I'm moving down here for sure last night... They took it well enough. Kinda made me wonder about some things, though.... Meh, I have nothing else to say. My mom pisses me off so bad.

Slit your wrist Who the hell cares anymore? [05 Jul 2004|08:26pm] [ mood | angry ] I hate this. I hate everything. Life.. I mean, what is there to live for anymore? Everyone is leaving me. I don't blame them in the slightest, though. I'd leave myself if I could... I'm staying in Illinios for sure now. We're calling the Board of Education in Georgia to get my files transferred tomorrow. It's kinda a big move. I'm a little nervous. I have to go for a physical, though. That is going to suck so bad. I'm scared...they're going to see. Whatever.

Slit your wrist [05 Jul 2004|02:06pm] I'm on a ground of Hell Only you can tell What's going on In a world gone stale Maybe I'm lost In a maze of confusion Maybe I'm dying In the cure of infusion Who knows what's next In this time of loss Who knows what we'll do When we pay for the cost Life's not what it seems It is all surreal Turmoil is usual Regular fork in the meal Some day it'll change All the mess we go through Some day we'll realize The fault was only you The courage we had Was dropped by a pin Now we only have ourselves To pick us up from this sin All is lost In this crazy world No one to comfort No secrets to hurl If only we knew The truth before now Maybe we'd be saved From the lies we've allowed One day it'll change We'll know the truth You're not real You've slaughtered our youth There is no such thing as truth.

Slit your wrist Eh? [04 Jul 2004|05:12pm] [ mood | bouncy ] [ music | Melisa Auf dER Maur - Would If I Could ] I'm going to the Gala tonight. I guess there will be fireworks-- I don't know. I'm going with Jackie, Jessie, and their mom. I guess my mom will stay at home by herself.... Yesterday I played in the parade thing. It was great! It rained, which was even better. I love rain. ^_^ The concert was cancelled, though. They said a storm was coming, and it never did. *Grr!!* I can't believe it. But, oh well. I can't wait to watch the Boston Pops. I have to tape it, though, because I won't be home in time. But either way, I'm excited! It's pretty much a tradition, and they rock anyway, so why break tradition just because I'm not with my dad? I guess I'll get ready. Happy Independence Day, everyone! Try to smile....it looks good in the light of fireworks.

Slit your wrist Habits. [04 Jul 2004|11:54am] I fear bad habits are beginning to develop....

Slit your wrist What a life. [03 Jul 2004|10:17am] [ mood | Okay. ] I never played in the concert. I pretended I wasn't ready, because I had forgotten that we had to wear short-sleeved shirts, and my arm was torn up pretty badly. So much crap has happened, I don't even know if I can possibly word it all. To start off, my mom and I went to Ohio for two days. It was for the sake of my brother. There were rumors that he was drinking and doing drugs, and that wouldn't be a good thing...especially with his asthma. So, mom and I hopped in the car and drove nine hours to find out that he wasn't doing anything like that. He is in a buttload of debt, though, like the rest of the family. So, he's going home to Georgia for a while. He'll be staying with my dad, and he'll take care of him until he can get on his feet again. Sweet, isn't it? I cried when I saw him in Ohio. He looked so...lost. Really. His eyes were hazed with exhaustion, and his head was full of nothing. I don't know if I'm staying in Illinois or not. I want to, but I also would like to spend time with my brother. I think I'm staying...but there aren't any certainties. I still need a job, along with my mother. I'm playing in a parade and a concert today. My mouth is going to be killing me. That's approximately five hours or more of playing time. Goody for me. I have to iron my shirt.

Slit your wrist Shit. [27 Jun 2004|02:38am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Eve 6 ] My arm is destroyed. I don't even know why. That's the sad part. 19 cuts. Last night. Tonight, I overdosed on Trileptal and some other prescription drug. I have to stop doing this, but I really don't want to. I know it kills me slowly every time I do it...but that just doesn't seem to bother me anymore. Too bad I care about my family's feelings, or I'd be long-gone. Tomorrow I'm playing in a concert for the community band I joined. It should be interesting. My first concert outside of school...we'll see. I feel like crap. My heart is hurting...badly, and my stomach feels as if someone is grabbing on for dear life. Nice. I'd put some of my 'poems' on here, but I don't feel like getting up to get them. Maybe later. I have nothing more to say. Surprise surprise. PS - Wish me luck...I NEED a job.

Slit your wrist $ [26 Jun 2004|12:15am] [ mood | In pain. ] [ music | Nothing. ] Well, my dad will be a little angry with me for a while... He received my cell phone bill, and it was quite a lot of money. $613.00, actually. Go me! It's the stupid phone company's fault. They did not tell me when I was roaming, so I didn't know that every minute I used was 79 cents. Wow. Stupid idiots. Tomorrow I'm going to Chicago because it's my uncle's 52nd birthday. We'll be going to something called "The Taste of the City," or something like that. It's with a lot of food....ick. My mom has this horrible way of making me eat. She just says, "You haven't been eating much lately." And normally I respond, "I know." Then she leaves me alone. She's a little weird at times... Meh, I think that's it. Wish me luck tomorrow...I have to wear a jacket in the sun.

Slit your wrist Games and Quarters [24 Jun 2004|11:41pm] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | Evanescence-"Bring Me To Life" ] The carnival seriously sucked. I was incredibly bored 7/8 of the time. I popped my wrists alot... Jessie thought it would be cute to stay with her little friend that she met there, so we were looking for her for about an hour or longer. That ruined the night. Chelsey got addicted to a stupid game that took all her money. She gained nothing. Now, I'm bored and need someone to talk to, but no one is here. I'm gonna go read.

Slit your wrist Ibuprofen [24 Jun 2004|01:38pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Ben Jelen - "Come On" ] Last night I overdosed. Kinda. I don't know what the terms are for overdosing. But at any rate, I lost count after 25 aspirin. I'm a little dizzy, but amazingly, my stomach doesn't hurt like it normally does when I OD. That's good. I hate that stomach feeling. Tonight, if weather permits, I'm going to the Gala (a carnival in Crystal Lake) with Jackie, Jessie, Chelsey, and Chris. They're all related to me, heh. I don't know Chelsey very well, but I guess she's alright. She's the same age as Jessie - 13. Chris is like 24 or something. Maybe older. Sugarcult kicks my ass. Krystle is supposed to call me today. Yeah, right. She's very...focused on herself. I like her and all, but I can't count on her to do what she says she will do. That's just the way she is. Travis, you rock. In every way. You better not doubt it, or else I'll kick your butt. I'm kinda bored. I don't know what to do. I'm still working on my Father's Day gift for my dad, heh. I've got almost all of it together, I just have to print a picture of my mom and I to put in a frame. (For those of you who don't know, my dad's still at home in Georgia.) I need new pants. Really. All mine are falling apart. Especially my Dickies, which sucks, because they're the best pants in the world. Get some now. I wish I could write more, because it takes up time, but I have nothing to say. Oh, happy early birthday, Uncle Tim.

Slit your wrist Wristbands [23 Jun 2004|11:40pm] [ mood | More empty than a beer bottle. ] [ music | Swiiiisssshhh!! ] Nothing exciting has happened lately. Surprise! I went skating with my cousin Krystle tonight. It was...almost enjoyable. I didn't fall. Her friends are a little funny. I only talked to one, but hey..that's more than I knew to start off with, right? So yeah...my feet started hurting, so I sat down. I told Krystle she could skate with her friends while I took a break, and she left. I was feeling a tad alone, so I kept popping my wrist with my hairband thingy. I tried to find sharp objects in my purse, but unfortunately, I switched bags tonight, and left them at home. =( So, thank God for rubber bands. I have a few welts, but it didn't do a very good job. I still want to cut. Badly. No one is online that I can talk to. I wish I had friends here. That would make life a lot easier. I figured out that I have social anxiety. Yay. By the way...I am very angry at Angel. I don't feel like talking about it, though. I guess that's it.

Slit your wrist Alone [21 Jun 2004|12:43am] [ mood | Creeped out ] [ music | I was listening to the radio, but that stopped... ] It seems like time flies when you don't want it to, and it drags by when you don't want it to. It kinda stinks. At any rate, though, I'm still in Illinois, and still enjoying it. Nothing very exciting has happened. It's Father's Day, but I'm away from my father. Happy Father's Day, dude. I don't miss him very much, only because his lungs are full of lectures. I do miss some things, though, like his beard rubbing against my cheek when he kissed me, and the way his eyes gazed at me when I was tired. But anywho, no use in wondering... I've been 'bonding' with my distant family a lot, lately. It's been really nice. They are all so genuine. Even though I still don't feel real comfortable with some people, I know they all mean well. It's a shame I can't think of anything to say... I saw a play a few days ago. It was pretty good. It had live music and dancing. It was my kind of music. =) My cousins Jackie and Jessie spent the night with me a couple nights. Jackie is 15, and Jessie is 13. I must say, they are quite intelligent, and incredibly radiant. I love to be around them; they just light up the room with laughter. I'm glad I got to know them. My dad and I are discussing/disputing about me staying in Illinois for the year. I know there would be a lot of sacrifices and what-not, but I honestly think I need this. He just doesn't understand the things that bring me to my decisions...and I can't explain them anymore than I have. I haven't cut much, lately. I did cut three times on my arm last night, and once on my wrist last week, but that was the first I've done for a couple days. I have slowed down since I've been here. That's a good thing, I guess. I just have so many scars...I like them, though. I am a little freaked out, because I keep hearing this dude walk by my room, but no one is out there....Meh, I'm nuts. Good night, all.

Slit your wrist Oops [17 Jun 2004|04:04pm] [ mood | complacent ] [ music | Dave Matthews Band - Live in Central Park ] Sorry I haven't written in a while....been a bit 'distracted'. Too much has gone on, I don't even want to explain anything. I'll write later - when I'm in the mood. But...I'm still alive! Yeah yeah....

Slit your wrist ... [07 Jun 2004|01:48pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | Nothing. ] So, I am incredibly bored, and I should really be practicing my clarinet for my audition into the symphony Wednesday. I'm so nervous. I don't know what I'll do if I don't get in, but I'm trying to get used to the fact that I probably won't get chosen. I don't know....I'm just not sure about anything right now. I'm kinda tired of not having any time on my own. Being in Illinois makes me appreciate the time that I used to have by myself. Even at home I was always with someone (my family and co-workers), but here, there are always at least three people crowding me, and I hate it. I like being by myself a lot, and not having that anymore makes me crazy. Nothing has really happened lately. Last weekend I went to a bogus circus show, and that sucked. I had to spend the night with an aunt and uncle that I can't stand; I was so bored. I didn't talk to anyone for two days straight - it was insane. I've never felt like that before, and I hope I never feel it again. Anyway, the next two days are dedicated to my clarinet, so I better get started. ^_^ Wish me luck.

1 Have bled + Slit your wrist Better off ALONE anyway... [03 Jun 2004|12:22pm] [ mood | Not Good.... ] [ music | Avril Lavigne - Together ] Needless to say, today's not a good day. I'm not sure why, but it isn't. I'm trying to be happy, but nothing I think of makes me happy. Some people make my circumstances better, but I still can't smile. =/ That'll change someday, though. I can't think of anything to write. I'm so empty inside. The only thing I can feel is sadness, and although I'm happy that some things are going on in my life (Example: I'm moving to Illinois and I met Angel), I still cannot rejoice. All these choices I have made seem to be wrong, and I can't undo anything. I'm stuck here, on this plateau, and I've been lost in it for years. I used to be happy. Three years ago, nothing could bother me. People still made fun of me, but I brushed them off. I had so many friends, and they all seemed to care about me. I think my depression started with Amy B., (Not C.). She was my first best friend to blow me off cold-shoulder, with absolutely no reason. After that, I got the idea that I wasn't good enough, even though I had other friends. Later on, it seemed as if no one cared, and I was alone. I know that isn't true, but it felt like it. Almost all of my friends deserted me, literally, and I was left with no one but myself for a long period of time. I couldn't comfort myself. Nothing I did seemed to make situations better. So, I began to sulk. I sulked in my own misery, my own mis-givens, and everything else in the world that was wrong with me. I began to believe the bad things that people said about me, and to this day, I still believe them. Because, if it weren't true, why would they say it? It's not funny, they don't make people laugh - they just make me feel like nothing, and that's what they're going for. So, I give them the satisfaction of breaking me, and go on my way. Unfortunately, sometimes I can't think for myself. This entry made little to no sense, so I will go.

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