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Oh My I am warped... [17 Jan 2005|11:10am]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Meg Lee CHIN!!!!! Bitch music is the best ]

Juliya.. this is for you... I just picked so many absurd things from being crucified.. Hyde stabng someone and bunny masks and this is what happened. ~evil grin~ You're
Hey, a video with an actual plot! And what a plot
it is - a cursed knife and the murders it
causes over 100 years. Jumping from Sicily to
London to Warsaw to Hong Kong to Chicago to New
York, you don't play around when you state your
obvious message: Fate is a bitch, and Tetsu's
about to get bitch-slapped.

Which L'arc~en~ciel Music Video Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Atleast at the end I want you to smile

I'm a cool bitch like that .... [17 Jan 2005|10:57am]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Agents of Oblivion~ Dead Girl ]

WHOO HOO! LOOK juliya! You would be proud! ~grin~

Go-Go Yubari
Kind of crazy, kind of cool. An interesting mix,
and you enjoy being the best. You'd probably
have more friends if you weren't so psychotic,
but to each their own, right?

Kill Bill Vol. One Character Quiz (females)
brought to you by Quizilla

Atleast at the end I want you to smile

A quiz for the Juliet! [17 Jan 2005|10:42am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Agents of Oblivion~"It's only the end...only the end " ]

Full name: Unfortunatly...Jessica seriously... and I hate it... I prefer to be called Demnshade or Jessi ...
Birthdate: November 14th 1981 but really.. I am about 400 years old heh heh ;)
Last place you traveled: Las Vegas
Eye color: I am not sure changes... it is some kind.. of... yellow... brown...
Nail color: Do not wear nail polish.. it always scrapes off.. too lazy to put more on
Height: You would laugh if you knew how short I was
Zodiac sign: Scorpio and we fuckin rule!

Your heritage: . . .I am a mutt....Whales,English, Black Irish, Dutch, Native American, African
The shoes you wore today: Black and red vans
Your hair: uhhhh unmentionable.. I hate it..I look like a nerd!
Your weakness: I am a double edge sword... can be too emotional or emotionless... sometimes I stick my foot in my mouth.. because I have a big mouth ... gets me in trouble... I can be too closed in sometimes...
Your fears: they're deep seeded....
Your perfect pizza: I'm sick of Pizza
One thing you'd like to achieve: Pulling through with film school... writing a book and painting

Your most overused phrase on AIM and/ or @ home: lol...
Your thoughts first waking up: uhhh... usualy my thoughts are fuzzy
Your current worry: my sister... getting a job
Your plans for today: going to Moscow with Rachille.Congrats! she's getting married
Your best physical feature: My eyes
Your greatest accomplishment??: Taking a breath inbetween talking ;)

Sunrise or sunset: both
Goth or horror: Both?
Eastsiiide or Westsiiide: I'm an eastside baby... but westside seems nice so far
Stripes or polka dots: Stripes.
Money or fame: ehhh it might be nice but I am bohimien! I am happy with a small place and art allowing my weird friends to come over and roll around in insanity
Planes or trains: never been on a that bad?
Metal or hardcore: . . .uh....I am ecclectic...i listen to everythnig like whoa!
Boxers or briefs: Boxers.
Your life is: Good....
Pools or hot tubs: Both.

Cuss: Yesss.
Think you've been in love: . . .heh...truth be told... maddly...but I am cured of it as of now :)
Want to get married: . . . ONLY if it is to the right person... whoever the hell they are... heh...
Type w/ the fingers on the right keys: No way....fuck that!
Like to take baths: OH! goody! bubble baths yay!
Get motion sickness: No....I am motion sickness for others ...~evil grin~
Like talking on the phone if yes..with who?: yes.... only with a certain few
Like thunderstorms: they're beautiful in the summer
Play an instrument: Hopefully the piano soon
Workout: yes
Like reading: I try

Kind of fruit: BANNANNAS! Kiwi
Music to fall asleep to: Hyde and Cradle Of Filth.
Time of the day: depends...lately it has been Gackt
Feature in the opposite sex: Eyes and personality....I do have an affinative to the mouth... hmmm
Car: mmm Chavels....mmm the new thunderbirds....SHWING!
Number: 3
Thing to do right before bed: RpG with the Sethefer
Thing to say when you're mad: God damnit!..I know it's bad....
Era: which one? lived too many
Horror movie: uhhhhhhhhh hmmmmmm...let me think on that
Colors: Black, red and dark purple. (wow Juliya we have the same favorite colors :) )

Age you hope to be married: uhhh....if it ever happens ~shruggs~
Numbers & Names of Children: maybe I will adopt one one day,... I have many names in mind...
Describe your dream engagement ring: They will know...
Describe your Dream Wedding: . . . uhhh can't say will spoil my dreams
How do you want to die: I don't want to die...
Where do you want to go to college: I don't know yet
What do you want to be when you grow up: An artist... film maker
What country would you most like to visit: England, Egypt,Spain,Australia, Canada...Japan... ( thanks to Juliya and seth ! ;) and many other places

Atleast at the end I want you to smile

Juliya is the Queen!!! [11 Dec 2004|03:16pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | Gackt ]

LOOOK at my wonderful page layout and it was all done by misses Juliet my favorite wife in the whole wide world! She knows my sentimental side very well and deserves a million kudos! ~hugs and kisses~ thank you sooooo much Juliya.. I love you!

1 Roses | Atleast at the end I want you to smile

Subject of Life... [10 Dec 2004|02:29pm]
Hello, and wellcome to the boring life of Jessi . I worked and cleaned the usual mess that people leave. You wouldn't believe what I find on the walls. Most of the time it isn't so bad but sometimes... every week there is always that damn room you don't want to deal with. Then of course the owner who feels the need to strip you of your hours near christmas and expect you to live on " nothing" for a check. WHOOOO... in other news... I had an interview at the movie theatre and it went pretty well. I hope well enough I get that second interview. Im ight enjoy tha job more than cleaning piss and vomit for 5.50 and hour for a living. I am going to work my ass off and pay off some bills and then go back to school. I am so excited for it...I can't wait to feed my brain.. lately I have been SO bored with books, music, writing and painting. My brain is lacking and its slate white... RpG has been the only creative juices I have not lost. ( thanks to Seth.) I think its because I have creative juices flowing form another person... I need that.. I need to go to school and have some imput. Groovy so now I am on my way. Filmed my first dance concert last week and it went very well. My aunt owns the company and she is an excelent choreographer. i loved it.. the music, the costumes.. the dancing. I get to be in the next one... yay.. I am nervous about throwing up all over the stage on opening night... I love to dance but I get so nervous and freaked out when people are watching... and its hilarious that cameras don't bother me... who would have thought? So with Christmas and working on presents.. the dance concert I am gathering I should be pretty busey. Val called me this morning it made my spirits fly... I miss her so much... and I got a Christmas card from her... it was deffinatly as always her dark humor that I love. Yeah.. note to self.. get Christmas cards ready ... whooo yeah I got so much to do .. so seemingly little time. I finaly finished the autobiography from gackt.. very excelent.. very interesting individual.. I want that book just to keep it.. even if it was in Japanese I don't care... I can get the English Version... Next I plan on reading Angelina's Biography... She interest me very much so and I look up to her. I hope one day I can be as curageous and gentle as she is... she is such a strong woman. I am very excited to learn about her and her throughts. Speaking of Biographies I have ... so... neglected to not start on mine.. not sure why.. I know I am ready to.. the words just aren't there... writers block? yeah for the passed 3 weeks now. I do not know why I am writing it.. but for some reason it feels right... like it's something i should do... maybe one person will read it and it will help them... Speaking of fate... I was watching Opera last week.. it was just on.. you know.. out of randomness...they were showing a film clip of a woman video taping adopting parents in China and their first day meeting their daughters. So many little girls that are turned away in certain aresa because they are female.. it is so sad... the point is... I was watching this and I felt my heart grow warm like I was the Grinch on Christmas day and my heart was getting bigger... I was imaginging myself with a little chinese girl spinning her in fields and holding her hand... it dawned on me.. that I felt that is something I should do.. something I am meant for... to adopt a child and give it something they are without... love and a family... It seems to be so important lately.. how I look at kids. I used to be very reluctant to be around kids.. I was afraid of them... because I was afraid of the world and what it might do to them... and the posibility I could not be good to anything else.. not even myself. I have grown up to realize... these children are the ones who will live on in this world... and they need to have people like us to protect them and give them life when they feel they do not have it. This all made sense to me helping my sister raise Joey.. my nephew has changed my life and I have learned to care for something to so fragile and innocent.. and I want to be apart of his life and be there through everything no matter what and give him the keys to life... honestly I never had the desire to have kids... my fear of bringing one into this world.. but I realize now that there is so much to offer in this world... so many beautiful things,.. although the desire is still not there... because there are so many childen who are homeless.. and I feel in my heart that is where I want to go... give a child who has no family... a family... give them what they feel they may never possess. That is where my desire lies... I never thought I was a kid person.. it still troubles me because children seem to love me... and I didn't know I could be so loving and fun but its great... I love to be around Joey and my God daughter... I may be babbling but its important and I am hoping in the next 5 years.. when I am more grown up and ready I will adopt ... maybe it will be a baby girl from CHina... I hope so . Anyways,... enough of me being sentimental... and my ever growing Grinch heart... its probably bigger than my fucking chest right now... wow.... not much to resport... be back later....
1 Roses | Atleast at the end I want you to smile

And the Answeres are? [02 Dec 2004|09:35pm]
this is something I got from Juliya's page... enjoy

[Three words that sum you up]: uhhh...I will do this in a sentence.. " I am a giant art project"
[Jewelry worn daily]: 2 rings that never come off... my collar ring with Vals pentagram on it...sometimes i wear a cross...
[Wallet]: It has Jack the Pumpkin King on in it... no money...I'm poor
[Coffee]: would you like some coffee with that sugar and cream?
[Shoes]: Frankenstein boots wich buckles and springs.... and some confy what nots
[Cologne/Perfume:errrr..... smells like cinnimon sweet shit .. i think...
[Clothes that you have on]: I have none... heheeh j/k ) Long velvet black shirt with red fishnet outlinings, black and red striped striped bongage pants... pirate belt.. oh yeah my visor hat with all my buttons on it

[Wishing]: Many things
[After this]: sleep might come
[Talking to]: No one.
[Eating]: I wish I was eating pasta
[Fetishes]: if I told you... it would scare you
[Some favorite movies: The crow, Moulin Rouge, LoTR series,Dark Crystal,french Kiss,Rocky Horror ....much much more
[Something you're looking forward to]: Dreaming
[Last thing you ate]: penut butter and jelly
[Something you're afarid of]: "sometimes....that love isn't enough"
[If you could have any animal as a pet]: I have 2 cats and 7 rats I am proud of
[Cities you wouldn't mind moving to]: London, England, New York, Virginia Beach,Canada
[Some favorite foods]: Pasta, rice
[Miss someone you haven't seen in a long time]: I miss a lot of people

[Like candles]: Yes.
[Like company]: Depends on my mood. Depends on who they are
[Believe in soulmates]: ~shruggs~
[Believe in forgiveness]: Yes.
[Want to get married]: One day ...
[Want to have kids]: I never thought I would ever want kids but suddenly I find myself... wanting to adopt one day... preferably one of the Chinese little girls who are left in fields alone and hungry... they need love... I have a lot of love to give.. the idea of being selfless and give someone what they don't have is something I want to give

[Best girlfriend(s)]: my mom, my sister ! , Val, Andrea, Kira,Mandy, Becca,Orine, Kelly, JULIYA! IS MY WIFE!!!( da girls love me :) )
[Best guyfriend(s)]: Justin, Seth, Jon.. and got to give a hand to my dad he's groovy
[Boyfriend/girlfriend]: That's hilarious....
[Hobbies]: Listening to music. Art,writing,painting,dancing,watching movies... rpg
[Pager/cell]: ...uhhhhh fuck that
[Are you the center of attention or wallflower]: I am a wallflower but sometimes I find myself surrounded by people who like to smack my ass and lick the back of my shaved head ;) ( hence the girls back in Ohio )
[Can you drive]: Sometimes... when I am not driving like an asshole... thanks to delivery driving for 4 years
[Would you rather be with friends or on a date]: Depends :D
[Job]: Hotel management... whoooo ~ sarcasm~ one day it will be filming or art
[Attend to church]: No.
[Like being around people]: depends on my mood and who they are

[Who is your rolemodel]: My friends, my parents. Jonathan Davis, Angelina Jolie, jack Sparrow! Eddie izzard... king of laughter.... The crow
[Petpeeves]: Bing flicked at. ( I understand that one Juliya! ) given wet willies, people who have sticks up their asses, snobs,people who just don't care....
[Ever liked someone you can't be with]: Yes all the time
[Ever wanted to get revenge on someone cuz they hurt you]: that is a double edge sword.. sometimes I just want to hurt people who hurt me by smashing their face in but I never do
[Cried over the opposite sex]: depends on who... but unfortunatly yes...
[Your favorite physical appearance]: eyes
[Are you happy with yourself]: I finaly got to a happy medium but I am still growing up
[Your plans for the future]: to have everyone I love surround me and reach my dreams... as cheesy as this may sound I do wish for world peace....
[Person you really hate]: He makes me see red so much so I won't even write his name
[Whos your most trust worthy family member]: my friends... mom, dad, sister, joey, my grandma and my aunt
Atleast at the end I want you to smile

BLAHHHHHHHH [09 Nov 2004|02:08am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Sarah McLachlan ]

Yeah yeah so... I will probably have nothing interesting to resport. I could write about everything I have done but it is a lot and that will have to wait later when i decide to write about my adventures. For now I will just babble on about nothing...maybe something.It's 2 in the pm. fo shizzle out here and I am WAY to awake to be sitting still. I am impatient and I want to write about so many things but I am going to wait till i get home. Need the confort of my kitties and some late night tea while everyone is asleep. So much chaos I need to stray from. Good chaos though.. just time to get crackin and stop the slackin and write my damn stories and paint my damn paintings without distractions. Home has al my nick-nakcs and writing things. I feel so awkward writing at other peoples houses for some reason. oh well. Could go for a walk.. because I am awake but that would not be a good idea around here.. I havn't lived here for awhile and do not know the stipulations of the streets,... it was never all that safe to walk alone out here anyways. Not late at night. Got some crazy RpG letters from the Sethefer but I am craving more. I am so ... going through withdrawls.. all my ideas are packed in my head. Amazingly enough about short stories I plan on writing. They're always crazy and have weird outcomes. I HOPE they make people think. As for my autobiography.. ehh.. I am almost hesitant to write it..only because it wil be rough BUT needs to be done. That is the adventure.. can't finalize it without struggle of course. I need to stop procrastinating on my writings GRRRR! BLAH! anywho finished Gackt's autobiography and it was awesome.. I loved reaidng it... he's interesting.. and some of what he wrote gave me inspiration for my autobiography.. and I HAD to pick the hardest book to write... aside from gabrielle's story but the computer ate that eh.. and AGAIN I will write that damn thing.. again... So while i am sitting here bitching about my writing I will express my excitement about getting back to the ole-RpG tactics again... and I am sure it will be fun... you ready for it Seth? the chaos? The Erasing time? and the Fate for our characters? I am in fat enjoying buildng Ivy's past... couldn't have done it without you. Juliya.. let me know when and if you still want me to play that character you had asked me about.. I miss you....

the Jessepticon...

Atleast at the end I want you to smile

For Seth [30 Oct 2004|03:15pm]
[ mood | creative ]
[ music | Cd Mix ]

Happy Birthday

For the most wonderful Gypsy ,Pirate in the world... enjoy your sailing to the fullest. The ocean and the stars are yours tonight and forever.

Atleast at the end I want you to smile

pumpkins [29 Oct 2004|01:51pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Last night me Kira and andrea carved pumpkins and watched scary movies. It was so much fun... I was delighted to carve and design my white pumpkins. I named them Ghost and Jack. I have pictures too. It was splendid and I had fun with my womens. We had a lot of fun.. and I was the secretary that evening answereing the phone.. lol.. it was ringing a lot. i don't mind. I like the phone. Last night got a little crazy with the video camera.. I was prposed to dress up with Devil wings, a tail and horns and I danced around to this crazy song ( Push the little daisies to make them come up ) . Kira taped me and laughed her ass off. What can i say I like to make people laugh. Oh yeah.. Nightmare beforeChristmas was in as well. I wore my red sunglasses and it looked realy neat like that. Kira and andrea make me laugh... they are so cool... Kiras "boy" carved a "Kiss" pumpkin and they used a strip of the pumpkins inside for the tongue.. Gene Simmons ( probably spelled that really wrong ) . It was a freaking blast... one of my favorite things... siting in a livingroom.. with my best friends laughing over movies and drinks and food.

Atleast at the end I want you to smile

uhhh? [25 Oct 2004|07:16pm]
Boo...its 7 over here and I had a blast last night with my freind Becca and her friends. They are sweet! And I hung out with the cutest little 4 year old on earth . She is my pirate Jack Tiger girl who goes " grrr! " lol I have pictures and I shall show you guys soon. I ate my fill of donuts and Little Ceasar breadsticks. A pirate movie and rolling around bein all funny. Yes.. tonight I shall be heading back to Andrea's here soon. I miss my Dre and KIRA! is coming tomarrow night for a whole week then I leave with her to go see Jon and Mandy. Hopefully Kat as well. Many festivities shall take place... Working on Andreas costume... and halloween... being with my ladies :) tee hee... I love them. Dun dun dun dun...When I have more to update I will let you know :)
Atleast at the end I want you to smile

[24 Oct 2004|03:52am]
[ mood | tired ]

Yeah....I think I am really tired.. with a lot of karate chopping bees and eating junk food.. crawling on the floor with a video camera is bound to make anyone tired.. OI! I am gonna go find a small cove to sleep in....mesa the ever... I miss you Juliya... I miss you Seth... its almost your birthday...happy birthday and have lots of fun! it's your birthday.. make many wishes and I hope they al come true :)

Atleast at the end I want you to smile

Karate chopping Bees! [24 Oct 2004|02:58am]
[ mood | awake ]

Not much to update.. well ok yes there is but not able to put them in words.... I think I have hit a moment where I am questioning a few things and looking at my self in the mirror saying to myself " what's going on?" MOI!? I am confused like a british film with a sort of an "oh?" feeling. Not that it is a terrible thing just bum rushed with thoughts at hand. I knew this would be a great 2 months with my friends but also I knew damn well some frustrating things would come with it... Things I am gonna need to work out...but that is what I do.. sort and solve and then smile because I put the damn puzzle together. Yeah went dancing last night.. had a blast finally met my pen pal Becca... which duh go figure... Loves me loves me.. ( I am tellin you chicks dig me ) I am very flattered of course cause I adore her and feel an amazing connection wiht her but I doubt it will be anything more than friendship....which makes me kinda sad... cause I really don't like being the heartbreaker.. not that we aren't friends and things are groovy and I am going to hang out with her but I don't like to be the one to say "not gonna happen" to people I care about.. it really sucks....But I will live and be fine... because we're gonna play pirates tomarrow and watch funny movies... she bought me a sword can you believe that shit!? WOW!!! I am so amazed and she herself is amazing.... Andrea and Kira think she is da shiznit and I think Andrea and Becca made a friendship bond. I think they will be hanging out a lot :) I am so glad I got to see Kira.. I missed her so much . She looked SO georgous as usual.. she wore a nice corset and a dress... Met herself a nice boy who I think is just fine.. they seem to REALLY like each other and I am SO happy that she found somene she likes. She is like me.. very picky .. but it is her time to have something special damnit. I love her so much. Today I woke up early with andreas family and when pumpkin hunting. Got two white pumpkins that I named "ghost " and "jack" . I love white pumkins...and we went to a Fruit farm thing where I ate an awesome apple donut thing. DONUTS!!! and some warm cider.. had to kung foo karate chop the bees today they were swarming around me like crazy when I was eating.. it was really funny.. little shits trying to hitch a ride on my food .. theives lol.. eh.. bess don't scare me lol....I LOVE bumble bees they are so cute and fuzzy. :) The I napped around since I had no sleep at all.. and had family fun with Andrea and her fam.. they're like my second family.. food, pizza, a bon fire.. try to look for ufo's.. and some movie madness trying to guess answeres in this game....It was coo.. and again everyone is sleeping and I am still SO awake lol. All in all . Oh I have been video taping a few gigle fests e and andrea and kira have been having. Tonight I was laughing so hard I had to crawl across the floor with the camera beause I was laughing so hard. It was funny.. all you could see was my shadow and hear andrea laughing at me... I was aparently being a total nerd reading through video games and saying "Ohio " really fast it sounded silly. I got Andreas nephew to laugh too. I LOVE TO MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH! It brings me so much joy.. this is why I act like a total dork just so I can get people to laugh. I love to see people smile and be happy. Will write later.....or in a few min.

Atleast at the end I want you to smile

~is... just laughing~ [22 Oct 2004|03:25am]
[ mood | crazy ]

Chica Chica Chica bounce chica chica chica bouce Buyakah! Buyakah Buyakah! ~ feelin my ghetto roots~

This is jessi...
This is jessi on excitement and rap...

~twitching and bouncing all over the place and saying " yo muthafucka say weeeee! " ~

Any questions?

( I am such a nerd )

1 Roses | Atleast at the end I want you to smile

Bare with me... [22 Oct 2004|02:24am]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | gangsta Rap like whoa! ]

Bare with me I am a little tipsy... it happens at least 2wice a year Andrea gest me a few drinks. I went to a club/bar with her her friends and her mom. her mom knows how to rock out it is so cool. Suddenly people were buying me drinks... and my friend who I have not seen in 2 years showed up... I knew her since I was 7 years old! .. She bought me a drink then we danced together... she got me to dance some weird crazy line dance that came out when i was fuckin 13 lol... Anyways.. first shot I had it dribbled down my shirt and on to the table and I was dared to lick it up... So what does jessi do? She licks it up like a crazy person. I dunno... Ivy comes out to play when I am drunk... but I am a good drunk I guess.. may be tipsey but I know what I am doing... and remember things,.,.. and my friends tell me I am good... just silly.. WORD! Don't drink and drive kids.. wait till you're 21 lol... thats funny.. I did... out of a world where people are reblious the first time i was drunk was on my 21st birthday and i am damn proud of myself.. hell I don't need it.. its a twice a year thing really... but that is what happened tonight... I danced like a crazy person.. people were lame and didn't dance there but me and my friends... I am surprised I forgot I was shy... I got some compliments... heheeh which was weird ...anyways Since I am loopy and not afraid I am going to say I LOVE YOU JULIYA! I LOVE YOU SETH! you are always in my heart and shall be forever and you two never forget that. I Love you both so much I could cry like a sodding imbicile! But no worries I had so much fun tonight.. just wish you two were here,... too bad there wasn;t chareokee (spelling? ) and a Sethefer and a Jessi and Juliya to giggle...ha ha ~wink wink ~ you both know what I am hinting at lol.. YES! I sent your stuff today and then next i shall be sending a camera... please amuse me and take some pictures for me.. you do not have to develope it... leave it to me.. just send the camera back. I told you I am obsessed with pictures.. I want to put your pictures next to those I have of my frineds because you both belong there. :) I love you two so much... I hope all is well.

The Jessifer....

Atleast at the end I want you to smile

like weeeee! [21 Oct 2004|01:37am]
[ mood | delerious ]
[ music | Apoptigma Berzerk ]

Be a nerd like me.... Say... " Yo muthafucka say WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'

Ahem... ignore slight outburst... I had to do it... the silence in the house is killing me! AHHHHHAHHAAAAA!

can't sleep
Can't sleep
Can't sleep....................

Aliens...vampires,... cows oh my!

You know... I need some donuts and ice cream right about now... and a movie...
YES! A movie sounds good...

See what no sleep does to me...
strange quizes that (Juliya and Seth have addicted me to japanese stuff ) about kids on a rampage on some stranded island ~giggle snort... giggle snort~

Writing obsessivly on a thoughtful process that makes absolutely no sense! ie: read below.. no wait.. don't lol

and then coment on aliens.. vampires and cows... with the slight obsession with donuts and ice cream

DAMN! Prce chopper! they didn't have powdered donuts and fed me sour milk! Assholes i will burn you down.. and feee the donuts...

ok.. sleep deprevation has now gotten out of hand...

1 Roses | Atleast at the end I want you to smile

Words never make sense.... [21 Oct 2004|12:54am]
[ mood | emotional ]
[ music | Apoptigma Berzerk ]

"What do you fear most in the world? The possibility that love is not enough " ( Apoptigma Berzerk )

God... there is something about sitting up late at night when everyone is asleep that makes you think. I can't help but feel a-tad-bit lonly. I miss Val.. I miss everyone here that I will have to leave to go back to Idaho... and everyone there... at home and on a little (ok very big) island called Cali. Yeah shut up.. its an island to me.. yeah if you saw "end of Ze world " on SO... maybe I don't get to see everyone like I would love to do but it doesn't make the "missing" any less. I knew damn well coming here would spark my thoughts but it needs to be done and delt with. I'm going to be 23... and I can do anything in the world to make myself content... but it doesn't chase away needing to be with people I care for. The need to hear their voice and feel them close to me when I hug them. It doesn't erase a god damn thing... I know what I must do.. go back home and get myself together... and wonder why it took me so fucking long in the first place to do so. Ok.. I am stubborn and had to deal with things that were not to be stopped.. yes I will remind myself I am ok and in better situations. People have thier jobs, their school... they have their wonderful boyfriends and goals they want to set... and I sit here feeling like a homeless person with only feelings to keep me company.. hey thats fine.. I will never be perfect.. I wil never be rich.. even if I were I wouldn't be... I will never be everything everyone wants me to be... well.. AND it doesn't make me sad... because nothing could be as rich as these feelings inside me.. as the love I have for people and the great people in my life...Ok so maybe I am whinning... I guess what I am trying to say is... I don't want to leave my friends but I don't want to not travle and experience things... but I wish I knew what "home" felt like... Many of my friends have found where they call home.. and me.. well.. ehh....home is where I make it... I never really concidered a place home I guess. I remind myself of my characters sometimes.. its rediculous...anyway...Yeah so ...I am not unhappy... I am very happy with my family and the friends I have.. ok so.. getting things together is going to be tedious and annoying but I do have a goal I am heading for...but something is missing... If i said what it was people might make fun of me for it. It's a stupid reason think about right now... concidering how I am and have no reason to complain... ok.. a little vague but I can't sit here and babble about it for the next hour becase that isn't going to change a damn thing. I am just a tad-bit sullen and missing people... I never really had anything... but I had "them" and still do and I am thankful for that... but scared shitless to be without them... heh... its ok.. next year I will come back and see them.. its ok... Something is going to happen here.. I am not sure what it is.. and it will be very weird.. I do not think it is a bad thing at all but its been scratching at the edge of my brain. You both might be laughing at me right now for admiting that(maybe not ) but I had to.. I have no one to talk to about it.. blah ... I am sitting here wreckless out of my mind wishin i smoked or something...because I can't stop thinking and feeling strange... and no one is awake ....Oh fuck it... I am not as hard nosed as i may seem... I am a little emotional under my skin... and I have too much "care" and "love" inside me right now I feel like i am going to exploade... I just want to gte into my car and drive.. just fucking drive with the music so loud... I miss her.. I miss Val... When I am around her I feel so happy.. she makes the pain go away... I am not lonly.. I don't need a fucking boyfriend who won't give a shit about me anyways... and to tell you the truth it rips me apart to be away from her... I knew this would happen. i would be fine.. until the 3rd or 4rth day came and now I am scared to leave... to leave those I love here... but I know I can't stay.. there is something I must do out there.. "west' wherever.. I am not sure what it is.. but I have a feeling I need to be out there.. I just wish they could come with me... My womens.... they love me and take care of me.. and they let me love tell you the truth friendship has been the only thing I can guarantee that is strong and lasts... with thoser certain people...GOD! I am ranting now... and I can't stop writing... I hate it.. I am tired.. but awake.. and missing people.. would it be terrible to say that I miss you too Juliya? That I miss you too Seth? Even though you eat all of my donuts... I could deleate this fucking entry but I don't want to... I would rather you know me... for what I am... here it is... a part of me.. who is too god damn loving and emotional for her own god at times... Once... Imight have wished I were dead....but I am so glad to be alive... because I "GOT HERE" where I see things differently and I love " feeling" even if it may tear me apart at times... but I love it... Juliya... I hope one day you reach this point where everything is so beautiful it makes you cry.. where you are happy ... there is going to be bad times.. and good but ... you're gonna be ok... just pull through and here's my hand... take it.. and have fait in yourself... I imagined myself saying that to you yesterday... wiping away your tears... and telling you.. its ok...and I said to you.. just have faith in yourself... its hard but you can do it...Seth... I'm not sure if there are any words I can say to you... for some reason I think of you when I hear " enjoy the silence by depeche mode" I am sure there is more beauty in your silence than words... maybe its because I see through writing.... who knows... but if people don't see how great you are then they are fucking crazy and stupid... If there was something I could give up... just to see you both... see your faces... and hug you both even if for a second.. it would be worth it...You can cll me crazy all you want. God.. I don't have the words to express how I feel right now to anyone... I am a fucking blubbering idiot... I don't expect anyone to believe me... I do not expect anything from anyone... but I give all I know how to give to do my best to at least make someone smile... and feel good about themselves... I hope to get a smile out of you at least once a day then I know I gave you a part of myself.

1 Roses | Atleast at the end I want you to smile

Who am I? [21 Oct 2004|12:26am]
WHEEEE this is for you Juliya..

#5 Kawada
"I'm a survior, of this f*cking game."
- #5 Kawada

Which Battle Royale Character are You?
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1 Roses | Atleast at the end I want you to smile

Here and now [21 Oct 2004|12:09am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Apoptigma Berzerk ]

I Wish I could say that I have been doing a lot out here but I havn't me and andrea have been down with that freaking cold again. It head hurts from the sinuses so bad. Oh well.. I am sure I shall survive. Maybe tomarrow will be more interesting. Andrea and I have been going on long drives in Metro Parks with the music loud. One of my favorite things to do with her. It makes me think about a lot of things throughout the years seeing those woods and the memories within them. I was looking In her photo album and saw so many picures of us through the years... how terribly young I used to look compared to now... the blonde hair and everything...ick... but those pictures brought back smiles to my face. I just wish I didn't see"his " face in there... oh well.. just another fucked up situation I got out of... it has been almost 4 years but still sometimes it seems just like yesterday. I have grown so much it's intimidating. I think I am a stronger person. Andrea and her sis were reading this prediction from silvia brown that the possibility of aliens coming to earth would be in 5 years or so... They also have been seeing some weird alien ships too.. studying them rom the sky... I guess this could be a possibility but I never thought about it too much. I do not doubt there are other lives out there .. I mean hell some of the things I have seen.. I am at the point that anything is possible. For now I will stick with what I know... if that day comes well... as Andrea said " I'd be scared shitless for about 5.2 seconds and then be all.. "lets dance!" ahh hell why not dance with green people... it might be fun:) Let me tell ya...Ohio is one plce to go if you're looking for the supernatural~ shruggs~ I am too used to it to worry most of the time. I have still been drawing and finding it very relaxing... I just wish I could paint... I miss it...but all of that madness is at home. Not too much to report only that I hope I wake up early to send my mail.. I need to stop sleeping so much... my dreams have been very absurd...lately 3 nights in a row about seth and Juliya... in one.. Eastlake was hit with tidal waves from the lake and Juliya came out of nowhere and saved me from drowning. I have been thinking about this for hours now. Mainly even in dreams I have conversations online with seth...the other dream I was" Gabrielle" in this run down city... trying to save this kid from some clann or something...Another kid i was to save turned out to be part of the evil clan and tried to kill me.. I think I killed him first... I just remember running down the streets of the broken down buildings and cars...Val by my side who was " morganis " in the dream... My dreams became very chaotic since I got into Ohio.

1 Roses | Atleast at the end I want you to smile

Yo mutha fucka.. ehem nevermind.. [20 Oct 2004|12:29am]
Nevermind my ghetto slang. It gets to me when I am in Ohio.. yeah SO! my journal is not all that facinating and probably won't be for awhile.. till I get some fancy "to dos" to fix it up all nice and pretty. Mainly this is for seth and Juliya's viewing pleassure. I shall try to type as much as I can when I get time but for now any interests you two might want to check up On my much just poetry before i left. BUT I LOVE YOU TWO!!! ~HUGGS~ yes... more than you know.. take care my lovelies...presents are on their way.
1 Roses | Atleast at the end I want you to smile

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