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[16 Aug 2005|02:52pm] |
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Muse.... |
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Pointless entry... but because of Juliya's spirit... I feel so much better :)
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| Pray for her... |
[07 Aug 2005|01:36pm] |
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Turn of events like these break my heart. Becca might have to go back over seas because of the London bombings. We are not sure, but I pray to god to keep her here. She has seen enough and in her eyes I know I see that she doesn't want to go back. I fear that look in her eyes and I want to kiss the tears. Pray for her... that she does not have to go back. I pray for god... to keep her alive.
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| Hieroglyphics |
[22 Jul 2005|07:08pm] |
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Yeah so.. this blurty hates my guts. I try to post things and it does not come out. So I did put up the song " American Baby " for you both , but of course the computer ate it. SOOOO.. but I love you :) Where have you guys been? I hope everything is ok out there in the sunny Cali. My love spans eternity for you both. Tonight I am about to present a dinner party.. thanks to Becca( a wonderful cook ) with Yuka and some of her friends. I hope it all goes well and they enjoy it. I am very nervous, for I do not know these people and I hope I make a good impression because they are her friends and Yuka is important to me. The rest of the day I cleaned and visited Orine and Kelly. Now I sit and wait for the visitors. I bought a beautiful dagger the other day. It has an Egyptian Eagle head for the hilt and the blade spans out about 8 inches with a curve and a piece that flays out to the side and curve up.. almost like a fork with two curved prongs with Egyptian Hieroglyphics. For Val's Birthday I bought a silver blade swiveled with a snakes head. A snake is one of her Spirit Animals and I know she will love it. Juliya your gift should be there very soon... I hope you like it. I anticipate its arival. My love was put in that esspecially for you. Do enjoy :) Well, I should leave for now. COmpany is arriving. With eternal love....
Your Jessi
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| The world inside my dreams.... |
[29 Jun 2005|02:49pm] |
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Dir En Grey |
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Well, so far everytime I have updated the computer did not log it onto my journal. Do ot ask me why because i am not sure why, but here i am trying again to see if it works. I have been exceptionaly busey lately with working my ass off and spending a lot of time with Becca. She has had a rough go of it for a few weeks with things and I am supporting her through it. I am also going to work myself like a dog so I can get my shit together. I am also going to invest in a loan and get a car that is all mine and mine somme more since certain situations led the ability of my previous car slightly null-en-void. It isn't anyone's fault...life just happens ya know? ~shruggs~. I went down to the river with Becca at 5 A.M. and threw a box of personal items into the river a few nights ago. It was something that did not really mean anything to me anymore and all it was...was this extra baggage to carry around that I needed to let go of and move on. That chapter in my life has came to pass and my path is leading me somewhere else and deffinatly without that person. It doesn't hurt anymore... the only thing that hurts me anymore is that I seem to make miserable mistakes and choose all of the wrong people.(ie: not talking about friends ) It is a learning process and I am willing to learn and get it right this time. Dreams plague me about it all of the time... people from my past conversing with me as if we have a close relationship and all in all I do not feel confortable around these people period. I think I have lost my touch somewhere along the lines. I have the incompacity to function around certain situations anymore. I am very pleased and confortable with where my life is going right now.. but there are some things that are still a mystery to me.. like the affection for someone significant in my life. I am great with friends... I give them all the love and attention t hey need and they as well, but when it comes to something in a most particular way with a male, I seem to shut myself out again... and I am not sure why this time now. It is more of a puzzlement to me.. watching people interact with me.. holding hands and speaking to one another with blissfull words... lately I have been trying to figure it out...I am not sure why it has become a puzzle to me. I get nervous around people more than ever now...strange but perplexing and perhaps I am meant to go through this for some reason of greater learning. Am I shook over it ? No not really, just sometimes frustrated. I know what the main problem is...I tend to not let people in .."in that sort of way " if you know what I mean. I am not sure why I am writing all of this out.. I suppose it just feels good...to write about it without feeling ashamed of it...and my dreams have been full of the most interesting an annoying senarios. Seriously I wish someone could help me out with them because they confuse me. Last night Lonnie grabed me by the hand and I was astranged by it. A male was holding my hand and it felt good to not want to rip off his hand because he was male... I held onto it for awhile, but I had to let go. I did not want to give him the wrong impression. He is my friend and I am very glad for it, but I do not feel for him in such a manner. I think I am growing more understanding of the male creature. Don't confuse me.. most of them terrify me in soome kind of way, but there are few who make me happy just to know they are around and they teach me that not all are going to hurt me. i am not afraid of emotional hurt by them I am afraid of pysical hurt by them. It's happened enough and it makes me uneasy, but I know now there are wonderful and beautiful creatures out there who would never hurt anyone in such a way and I understand this. I have faith that there are good men out there who understand me... who understand those who have been jaded by the fact and will help us learn that we do not have to be afraid. I never used to have this faith until 3 years ago. Don't get me wrong... I have my days where I want to feel anger once again, but they pass quickly. I can endure a lot... and I can't even put a candle to some of those around me and they teach me what true horror is and what the meaning of life is and how beautiful it really can be. All hope is not lost an there is so much out there that is worth living and touching. Becca taught me a most important lesson. You have to live to love and love to learn. She is a very strong individual who has seen things I can't even touch and she still has such a lust for life. She is very wise and she teaches me something new everyday and helps me remember things I forgot. She keeps me on my toes most of the time and makes sure I am taking care of myself. She is always making sure I am keeping up with getting ready for college and going to work everyday. Also trying to break the shyness I must overcome. I have some very wonderful people in my life and this is why i tell you these things because you both who read this journal are apart of that circle. I do not hide anything or lie to you both. Today I am going to start painting my room I think... or at least by tomarrow. It will be more confortable once I cover the bad joo joo my grandfather left there. I should just start swearing at him in japanese and maybe he will think it will be words of love lol. More and more I am terribly facinated with the asian culture... acctually more and more with the things around me. I always feel so happy to be in a bookstore just to look at all of the books and smell them. Hope one day I will read as many as I possibly can allow myself to. I am craving education of sorts and I want to learn so many new things. I think I will spend about 100 on paint to last me for a long time and just paint like a mad woman. I need to do that again and fill my spirit. Spirit... there is a symbol written in chinese that means spirit. I think that will be on my body very soon... it has so much meaning to me... the spirit.. the spirit of the one above.. the spirit people carry and endure... the universe in a whole. I love that word " Spirit." I will be doing a lot this year to make me feel spiritualy inclined. I think I am ready for this kind of movement. I need to search my soul and see what is on the inside. I need to read and I need to create my room into a beautiful place to be confortable. I am finally ready to start my path once more... and it feels very good. I will becme more of who I am and so let the journey begin.
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| What JRocker I am ... |
[29 May 2005|04:31pm] |
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Random |
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Sensual, classic, artistic. You are Gackt.
Which J-rocker are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
HA! go figure.... But it's awesome.
Sorry about the multiple poems that are the same. It is my computers damn fault. I need to find a way to deleate them. Yes... Machines are hateful.
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| Colors of a Soul |
[27 May 2005|01:07am] |
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VnV Nation |
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Burning flames inside this mouth
...inside this heart....
Curling at my feet like waves
Brilliant red across my back
Reaching out like wings as I dance across the darkness of the distance
My eyes betraying the truth with honesty
I reached out into the sky
Curling fingers through strands of hair and cool eyes
Draping my silence across your back
Brilliant blue pressing cool fingertips around my heart
Circling inside of me like the stars from these dreams
Pressing my face close against your heart
...listening for the moon inside of you
The wild beating vibrating through my tendons and cords
I am wired up in this emotional vesel of human flesh
Brilliant white like paper across the sky
Washing away these blackened scars
and burning them to red across my face
Turning this black and white into color from your creation
...curling at my feet like waves of lipstick spreading out inside of me.....
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| For Seth .... |
[27 May 2005|01:01am] |
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VnV Nation |
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Cells of the Heart
Breathing like fire
Passing through these streets
Brilliant red and moonlit cries
Following my foosteps like shadows
Waving like a flag behind my shoulderblades
Breathing like fire and calling my name
Weaving hair and cool colored eyes
through these fingertips
Bleeding strands of tendons of emotions
Wiring myself up for this perfect honesty
Brilliant bue and moonlit passion
Circling my heart against the beating and pulsing
Curling like the cirlce I will hold you within me
Breathing air that suffocates me with everything I know
Pressing my ear close to the heartbeat
As the vibration slivers into my flesh
Cradling this symbolism so carefuly
Brilliant white and moonlit smiles
Washing away all these blackened scars
Turning them red against the moon
With curving flesh that holds tight against color that you bring
....calling out to me...
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| For Seth .... |
[27 May 2005|01:01am] |
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VnV Nation |
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Cells of the Heart
Breathing like fire
Passing through these streets
Brilliant red and moonlit cries
Following my foosteps like shadows
Waving like a flag behind my shoulderblades
Breathing like fire and calling my name
Weaving hair and cool colored eyes
through these fingertips
Bleeding strands of tendons of emotions
Wiring myself up for this perfect honesty
Brilliant bue and moonlit passion
Circling my heart against the beating and pulsing
Curling like the cirlce I will hold you within me
Breathing air that suffocates me with everything I know
Pressing my ear close to the heartbeat
As the vibration slivers into my flesh
Cradling this symbolism so carefuly
Brilliant white and moonlit smiles
Washing away all these blackened scars
Turning them red against the moon
With curving flesh that holds tight against color that you bring
....calling out to me...
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| Such is life.... |
[22 May 2005|07:10pm] |
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Desert Rose |
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I haven't been this relaxed for days... I am away from home in a predominatly silent and people less house. Just me and the dog. It is like a fuckin castle here. Great stereo system. I am not sure how long I will be here. Maybe a week or maybe more. I am so glad I have this time to myself and tonight my sis is coming over to watch a movie with me. I could just stare out of these windows all night. Staring out into the city lights and the moon. I feel at peace here. Right about now I want to run away.. so far away from everything. The stress is driving me up a wall. I have to wait and hold my breath until everything is ok. I miss running in the park late at night with a carefree intuition. but still... I love life with every fevour I have inside me and i bite down with blood to know I taste it. I do taste it very deeply. It's so beautiful.. I just wish I could get mine together in one peice lol.
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| barely Breathing... |
[19 May 2005|03:52am] |
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Watching movies.... |
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You captivate me and I find that I can not breathe
Lying awake never seemed so absurd
Listening to a voice I have never heard....
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| Emerald Castle part 1 |
[18 May 2005|03:10pm] |
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Vast ~Cd: Nude |
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Pulling out these words from my bloody jaws
stringing these together with thread to come out beautifuly
Hoping I have enough strength to hold you close to me
Hoping I have enough strength to keep this hidden
My eyes closing with my lips to press tight back
the tongue that rolls with feeling of words
Inside you captivate my heart
I can not find the words
I can not breathe when I know the truth
Inside I pray my words will not fail
Scrape my fingernails I pray I will not fail
...my emerald castle....
Spiraling these fingers along keys
My mind rescuing the truth from falling into the screen
I wish I could be everything and nothing at all
No longer can I keep these dreams of holding you
my precious untouchable singing me to sleep
Inspiring me to press my hands along these keys
Loving what is forbidden...
One fearful glance from you and I would shatter
I pray I will not fail my emerald castle
I love so deep and wish to keep
.....this secret deep inside....
I will only forever know the truth....
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| Inside we're all alive... |
[08 May 2005|02:03pm] |
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Nothing.... |
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So tired...and I just want to sleep... Dreams have been extreamly distorted and confusing.NOthing much to update on except for a job interview tomarrow at 9. I hope I get the job. I think it will help my self esteem to have a job... to know I worked very hard to earn something. So I can go on that trip this summer. School is still a pain in the ass to get into. I am working on it though. Today is such a blah day and I just want to sleep. I will be going to dance class first and then to bed after. I am exaughsted. The doctors made a mistake on my pill dosage so now I am all cracked out lol. So, they gave me something new and we shall see how it works. I have good faith that everything will work itself out and I will be just fine. For now... I want to sleep with my headphones on blaring Mind Forest and Rain in my head. It settles me. This weekend I will try and get off my ass and write my stories all out. At least the beginings. Then I will be somewhere at least with them. LONG weekend ahead of me. We are going to start working on my room again tomarrow... but... I hope I have SUnday off to sit around and do nothing. Until I acctually have the energy to move I will be up and all over the place like I usualy am. Yesterday Lonnie and I disgussed his script for the movie. It seems pretty wicked. He hasn't gotten a solidity on it quite yet, but I think I will have fun making it. Maybe I will write a script soon. It should be some fun... I think. For now I will let my cluttered thoughts left. ~looks to watch~ I have about 100 years or more left.... I will start on it next week. hahahahaha Yeah... I feel like i am already 400 years old... damn I need a vacation,.. maybe a new body hahaha lol. I'm tired... need sleep.. Next week will be an awesome week. I can tell.
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| Secret Heart |
[26 Mar 2005|06:50pm] |
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my own heart beating... |
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I couldn't even show it in my smile
I would never even show it in how I would look at you
Everything defining a secret hope
.... is wired inside me ...
I wrote this ink upon this paper
Until my fingers ached and bled
Ached and bled inside my heart
In my secret heart
...For feeligs I can't bare to express
In sight
In eye and mind
In your prescence
I would feel these knees of mine break
and my will of bravery to decline
I watched the moon thinking of you
The still clouds covering the light
Reminding me of my shadowed heart
I watched the moon and sang for you
The light that reflected in my eyes
....I dedicated this to you...
With my secret heart...For feeligs I can't bare to express
In sight
In eye and mind
In your prescence
I would feel these knees of mine break
and my will of bravery to decline
... I took these strings
Built a ship
Carved out of stone
...I took these strings
Winding them along the blood
a little prayer for you
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| Anxiety Ridden |
[12 Mar 2005|08:43pm] |
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Shikenkan Baby~Miyavi |
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I Bit down hard on my lips
To drown out this sound pounding in my head
The sound o my own heart
...and the scremaing inside...
Struggle..
Turn..
Breathe...
Griping the bed covers of the day around my face...
Wanting to suffocate the sound in my body
I bit down hard on my lip
To drown out this sound pounding in my veins
The sound of my own insecurities and madness
Struggle..
Turn...
Scream...
Bite down until I bleed
Waiting for the sun to go down
Waiting for the pain to stop
Waiting for my mind to break
... and all would be in vain...
Takeanotherpill Takeanother pill
take take... take
Wash this down scrape against my tongue
takeanotherpiltakeanotherpill pill...pill....pill
take...take ...take
........Stop....
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| Written Language |
[12 Mar 2005|08:31pm] |
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Enjoy the Silence~ Depeche Mode |
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For Seth ....
Cracking open the inside of this skull
I pressed my hands in to find what was left
What was left in this creation of mine
Finding the black hole where everything
Tore like pages from a book
Pages of dreams and wicked things
Pages of a writer's hope
...Buried in neglect from all its waste...
a pleassure to press my fingers onto this screen
Needing to find some time to contemplate...
I opened my eyes wide to ink letters forming
From an unknown hand from the other side
Watching a page lifting with only
What dreams may come.. forming into words
From a faceless prescence behind a blinding screenagain
Gypsy music playing for the eyes
Brought these creations back to life
Gypsy music played with words
... sewing these pages together...
placing what was his inbetween the lines
the holes and the cracks to make them live
I gesture
I write
I smile...
Thank you my silent friend
Thank you my gentle spirit
For making these dreams live again
Breathe again and bleed again...
Gypsy music playing for the eyes
Brought these creations back to life
Gypsy music played with words
..sewing these pages together...
placing what was his inbetween the lines
the holes and the cracks to make them live
...again...
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| Carrying Dreams... |
[12 Mar 2005|08:15pm] |
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Arri~ Gackt |
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For Juliya...
crystals lining eyes with curiosity
breaking the mold of the crowd
She stood in the middle waiting for
that moment to come
...where she could fly....
Please don't forget to take all
the love that you stood for with you...with you ...
Breaking the mold of the crowd
Breaking these peices
Stripping away all the chains
Breaking down the box that they tried to put you in
Waiting for that moment
.... that moment to fly...
a moment to shine
bright like the moon and blind their eyes
Growing wings
Carrying dreams
and all these lovely things
She carried this smile burning like the sun
With eyes that could make my heart grow wide
She was standing in the middle
Spreading out her arms and she broke free
She was flying so high to touch this sky
carrying the moon and all the love she took with her
... carying this within her arms....
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| Cake and Cigarettes |
[12 Mar 2005|01:29pm] |
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Shikenkan Baby ~ Miyavi |
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My heart melts with submission
Breakig away the cake and cigarettes
of your lost image in my head
Breaking away the darkness of this place
My heart melts with a burning sensation
indescribable and weakening
I wish my sanity could hold up against your ...
....distant eyes...
Watching you lay on the cold slab of my heart
cake and cigarettes
mirrors and dances
black silouet and fingertips
velvet carnal drawings
oh how I adore the distance between us
Inspiration draws me near to drive a needle through my palms
Wishing for crucifiction to cure me of this disease
the disease of loving you
A little madness from my heart. I have been listening to Korn a lot lately and Seth send me this most morbid and awesome song from Miyavi... I have fallen in love with this song. It makes me want to write madness. Seth you rule. Juliya... thank you for your support... about my art. Don't you ever stop creating.
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| Blah |
[05 Mar 2005|08:06pm] |
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Mix Cd from Becca! |
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It has been a rather long tim since I last updated my journal. A lot has been going on. I have been very busey and trying to get ready for school. Finally signed the loan papers and waiting for them to come back so I can fill out forms for classes. It takes forever,,, I need a job. No one is hiring in this god forsaken town and it's quite the anoying pisser that i am in at the moment. Other than that I keep myself busey with dance class and writing. Blah blah fuckin blah. Not much to talk about wish I had an amazing story. Only amazing stories are my dreams lately. They make worthwhile for scary stories. Heh.. when I am inspired i will be back with a poem.
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[19 Jan 2005|08:07am] |
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Gary Numan ~ The Dawn CD. |
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Today has been a rather crazy day. My mind has been running a million miles a second. Frustrated... need a job and AwT called to see how I have been doing and frankly I only had one job and that was luck. I havn't done a damn thing... because I am poor and need to get my head shots and comp cards. Soon I shall get them and get things rolling but shit always happens when I am trying to do something with myself. I got a little down today. I honestly soemtimes can't hold that wall up to keep my healing heart a sheild. Sometimes i am hurt very easily and break down when something bothers me. As hopeful that I thought I was in having a better life I realized I still have a long way to go. I get so frustrated because I want the hurt to go away and sometimes I have to accept it takes more time. I just don't like having my family see me so shaken because I want them to see my better side. Maybe it's the Scorpio in me.. so passionatly emotional about everything and impatient. I am trying to have patience ....sometimes I just want to run out into the middle of nowwhere and listen to the streams and the trees. It has been so long since I have spoken to nature and listened to it. It helps me remember what is important in life. I need some zen... a yin and yang to my maddness... and I need to accept the role that people play in my life and sometimes they are meant to be broken and leave... because I would not be as strong as I am if I did not suffer it. Life's lessons I am still trying to figure out and roll my eyes and say " ok.. ok... I get it ." Well Juliya made me smile today. She gave me words .. a breath of fresh air that made me know I am doing the best I can and that I do make a difference in the world. I am so greateful for her to be in my life. So greatful to have those that are still here with me and put up with my maddness... without them I would surely fail. Thank you and I love you with all my heart Juliya. You give me hope .
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[17 Jan 2005|11:13am] |
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Suicide Comando~HellRaiser |
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Ah yes so it has been awhile since I have updated. Indeed... and I had a long month of chaos in Las Vegas. Things have settled except for a few nerve endings. My sister is doing better and she is up here with me and my family with the nephew I love and adore. We are going to smother her with love and get her in to see th best doctor here... because the doctors in las vegas sit on their asses without doing their job not even calling people back.. which... pissed me off to no end. Al is well.. long drive... got some drawing in which was good.. I really should rea dmore than I have been. I am glad to be home and snuggle with my cats and be in my room. I have yet to let the rats out and give them some running time. Rachille is officially engaged and tomarrow I am going out with her to celebrate. I have not seen her in 4 months... it will be good to see her. So after tomarrow I am going to take some " me " time and paint. A lot of thinking to be done as well. I have been writing in my Biography and find it easier than I thought. No emotional break downs... it was slightly hard to write about my ex,... unfortunatly he has a vital life lesson in the book... it is not really enjoyable to know one of the most beautiful creatures shit themselves away. Oh well... at least it has given me time to know I needed time alone.. I have been growing and learning more.. it is nice without the bullshit... maybe this time I will find someone deeper than that. one day.... but so the writnig continues and I have made it very far which is amazing. I seriously thought I was going to die when I turned 19 but I am glad I am alive.. Anywho.. this is getting depressing... too much for me because I am in a very good mood right now :) I FINALLY got Moon Child and I am SO excited.. that movie speaks to me... ( THANK YOU SETH AND JULIYA ) ..... I reminds me of Val and I... gowing through the growing up period... gaining close friends and losing them... knowing we will always have each other no matter what. I Still cry when I see the end... I can't help it... it hurts because I try not to cry in front of people... The movie was splendid and I enjoyed it so much... I am going to make my parents watch it ~grin~ So many movies to buy.. so little time... So I made my New years resolution and it is a few things. To eat better... lay off the soda... been drinking tea... yumm... and be more active... I am also going to finish my studies and re learn Spanish and probably a few others... I have been leaning tawards Arabic and japanese... I want to understand these movies without having to read subtitles one day and well Seth.. you and juliya got me into it... I would love to also learn Aramaic one day... that would be so fucking fantastic. maybe many more but for now I will stick to those three for this time. A lot of learning for my mind. It has been so hungry and I am trying to feed it. I am going to try like hell to learn Piano... and it will give me time to spend with my grandmother and learn one of her skills to keep with me forever. I love her very much and I want to carry that with me so when I play it will be for her. I have always loved music and felt a little frustrated I did not have the talent for it... but maybe I need to be in love with an instrament first and I am with the Violin and piano... but I ant to try the piano... revamp my singing skills because they are shot to shit right now... so many things I want to do and I am not going to waste time. I have so many things I want to do.. this life is fil;led with oportunities I did not know I had and I am going to try like hell. This world is changing... I can tell from the Tsunami dissaster... I cried... it hurt so bad.. I wanted to do so much... and I want to help... help peopl ehere too.. we had floods in nevada and california... so much is going on... I can only hold onto hope that a better life is coming. That is what My Grandma said... she said that "Spirit " is watching and now things are going to change for the good,... I dunno because when my grandmother says things like that they're usualy true....it's weird... I heard that same thing from Andrea's family when I was in Ohio... things are changing but for the good... I hope this is true... I can't bare destruction when there is so much life... I just hope those who died are safe and in a better world... I will paint a picture of "Hope" for the Tsunami surviviors... and send it over to them... maybe it will give them hope... I can express so much in painting... that is one of my goals....I want to give hope to others who have none.
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