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| 10:33pm 10/11/2003 |
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mood:  aggravated music: Kill Bill,Vol.1-SantaEsmeralda-Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood
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You know, everywhere I look, it's thrown in my face. I was sitting at the box today, when this one slamed me in the face. It was sitting right there beside the monitor on that blindingly bright yellow piece of parchment. I'm tired... so tired of it. every time I turn around, it's slamed into my face, and when I close my eyes... It's yelled in my ears. I squeeze my eyelids tighter and cover my ears more but it gets worse... because I see it even better... it's painted and tatooed on the insides of my eyelids and it screams itself into my ears when I try to relish silnce. It drives me mad... but I drive myself even further... I'm a thinking man, so I think much worse. What am I supposed to do though? It finds me wherever I am. I want to run away, but I know it'll be there whenever I stop running. I've tried running before... I ran till I my muscles killed themselves... and you know what? It was right there to taunt and mock me. I'm tired so tired of it... tired of not having it... and tired of having it thrown in my face. It kills me... and I have to deal. Somehow I have to deal. It's not fair but, life is not fair... or maybe like Mr. Morrison always said "Life is fair, it's just uncool." So I have fucking deal... but I need help... I really wish I had help... |
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fly me to the moon |
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| 09:54am 30/10/2003 |
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music: Sega-AV/Nintendo - F-Zero GX - [25] Fire Field [final lap]
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So, I've been mad at the whole world... which includes all my friends, all the people I love and well... me. I'm trying so hard to figure things out so I'm pushing people away, since being around people seems to hurt me now. The way I see it though... everyone is first on my list, I give and I love too much thats why I'm here. So what would happen if I stopped giving and I made myself first on my list? I dunno, I might find out soon enough if I go through with it. I knew I should have fucking hermitized myself this summer, I fucking knew it! It helps me get trhought the rest of the year till the next summer... but I didn't do it, since I'm not numer one on my list. I know what I want to do now... but I'm sure I won't do it. I want to shut up and not talk to anyone. I want to go home and not see anyone. I want to disconnect my phone and not get any phonecalls. I want to lie in my bed and sleep for a long time. Then I want to wake up and stay in my bed/house all day. I want to do all the thinking I should have done over the summer. Yes I think a lot as it is... I think way more than anyone on this planet talks, including me. When I hermitize though my brain goes into flames as I run though everything thats requires thinking that has had an effect on me in the past year. I can't imagine anyone who thinks as much as I do when I hermitize. I figure today will be a great day to start it. After work go home, catch the bus up and back on saturday and sunday. People are going to nekocon next week, so that gives me more time to be away from people. I need at least 3 weeks to a month. We'll see if I can get this thing of the ground.
bye. |
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fly me to the moon |
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| 01:38am 30/10/2003 |
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GOD FUCKING DAMMIT I'M FUCKING ANGSTING ALL OVER THIS GODDAMN JOURNAL! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? |
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fly me to the moon |
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| Rules... are not made to b0rk. |
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| 01:34am 30/10/2003 |
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mood:  numb music: Klint - Diamond
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So I made all these rules and now I'm the one who is trying so hard... It's so hard for me to follow them! Hell, I'm the one failing miserably. I'm the one who misses the smell of your skin and the taste of your breath... and I'm the one who is having trouble keeping up with my rules... |
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fly me to the moon |
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| 01:52am 29/10/2003 |
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mood:  lonely
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I wrote this short letter this evening… and it took so much energy from me to write it. I wanted to talk about it, but it kept hanging in the back of my throat… when I did eventually get past the words hanging in my throat, and tried to speak, I would loose my breath and begin to lightly hyperventilate… so I wrote it down instead. It took so much from me just to write it at that moment… but this is a taste of how I live daily…
“I still love you very much; it’s just so hard to say it now… not to mention I really don’t have the right to say it, or talk about it.
I’m sorry that I seem like I’m pushing you away, but I deal with this everyday and it’s been like that for a long time now.
It’s easier for me to talk around more people, because it’s easier to fake being happy. Every one else is happy, so I have to deal, and I’m working on that, but I don’t love you any less. I still love you as much as the first time I figured out how I felt. I’m sorry.
Ray”
I gave it to her as soon as I was done writing… and she told me she understood everything. I really could not tell her how much I doubted that… but I’m sure she understands enough of what matters… not all but enough… |
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fly me to the moon |
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| Yummy keyboards! |
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| 04:28pm 28/10/2003 |
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mood:  okay music: Fischerspooner - Emerge (Junkie XL Remix)
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I've always been a fan of good techno and trance... It would seem I am required to add another genre to my tastes... Electronica, I've always liked good electronica, but when I first got into it, there were few decent groups I was aware of, so I put it under techno in my head... enter frequency... upon playing said game I discovered "freezepop", and that has been my gateway. Couple of years down the line and several electronica bands flood into my mp3 and cd collection. Now I have discovered "Fischerspooner" life is good. I do wish to God that Röyksopp (trance) would do more good mixes... a lot of their shit is crap and some are just too awesome to belive. |
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2 flights - fly me to the moon |
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| 03:22am 25/10/2003 |
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So Dunn and I stayed up and talked up a storm on thurday night. I guess it's safe to say we are both dealing. |
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fly me to the moon |
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| YAOI! |
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| 02:40am 25/10/2003 |
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mood:  pissed off music: F-Zero GX - [39] - QQQ
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You know what I hate? Yaoi! I fucking hate it with a passion. Not for what it is, but for the people who are fans of it. Yaoi fanboys and fangirls. I thought yaoi was cool. It was okay. I mean come on! These fanpeople however are just plain retards, so this retarded fan writes a 3-page report as to why, “Sheik is not Zelda”. I mean the Manga and the game blatantly state that Sheik IS Zelda! We’ve also friggin played smash brothers melee right? You know, down and the B button changed Zelda into Sheik and back! Now I have no doubt that Link was attracted to Sheik, I don’t question it. But stating that Sheik is not Zelda simply because Zelda is a girl? That is ignorance and beyond stupidity. I especially hate is yaoi that makes no fucking sense. Sure Link and Sheik make sense, but I’ve seen stupid shit like Cloud and Sephiroth! Yes he loved him so much he burned his town down! What about shit like Hedeki and Minoru/Shinbo? I mean hello it’s very fucking obvious that Hideki is super straight by all his depictions of pr0n… that an he’s in love with his *gasp* female persocon. Well what about Minoru? *gasp* He is also in love with his FEMALE persocon. Shinbo? He sleeps with his fucking FEMALE teacher! You know what else? They claim to love their interests respectively. Now I can understand people who wish these people together, and there is nothing fucking wrong with that, but if you are going to write fan fiction make it make sense. Not stupid shit like “Hideki woke up in the morning, ran over to Minoru’s house and proceeded to kiss and caress him.” Hello what fucking sense does that make? If you want to do that, lead up to it don’t just fucking jump into it. My biggest issue however is people who fucking write essays and dedicate hours to proving some character is indeed gay. Get a fucking life. “Oh god Kenshin blinked twice in that scene! He must be gay”. You are a moron. Yaoi is fucking okay, but being a moron is not. Last time I fucking checked it was canon that Zelda was Sheik and vice-versa. The maker of the game and storyline says so. Now I’m going to waste my time and pick different excerpts
“almost PENIS-like bulge in the concept art” my ass! Ever heard of crotch stuffing? Yes women do it when disguised as guys.
“Link: Yaye. :D My Sheik is a boy and that is good because I only like boys GIRLS ARE GROSSS.” Again we see how mature these fanboys and girls are.
“No matter if Sheik didn’t exist before Impa hid Zelda inside of him, he did exist for a while, as his own person.” Yes as Zelda! Okay… so you really want that bulge to be a penis? As fucking Zelda with a penis and no tits.
“So, they will say to me, what is the deal with the scene where Sheik walks in, reveals the Triforce symbol on his hand, and then POOF! He is Zelda. What about that? Aha, this is where I smile smugly and reply that I never said that Zelda and Sheik do not occupy the same space.”
You know the triforce on someone leaves a physical mark… but the power is within the person’s soul itself. The soul controls the body. A body is not courageous, but a soul is. A body is not wise, a soul is. Now a body can be strong and so can a soul, which was Ganons’ biggest fault. He wanted and had physical strength. His soul however was lacking strength. Back to my point, If Sheik and Zelda are two different people they would have two different souls… and here is where this fools whole argument double back and contradicts itself. I would go on… but I would become bitching and not ranting. The LoZ stories are the greatest form of story to me. I doubt there is nothing I don’t know about any of the games.
Pardon my spelling I’m currently pissed, and not paying attention to grammar or spelling. |
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fly me to the moon |
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| BATMAN! |
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| 02:20pm 17/10/2003 |
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mood:  tired music: neoblaze - Batman
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Yea I got some sleep... like around 11am woke up at 2pm. Doing the CubaseSX thing. I'll be heading home tonight. I should pry give amanda a call, in case she stopped by again this week... since I have barely been home. Then again what is there to say really? Matthew Kennedy is supposed to stop by this weekend so I have off this saturday. Hopefully he shows up in the morning so I can hangout with people all day or smth. I really have nothing else important to say... well nothing that we all don't already know, so I'll see you when I see you. |
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fly me to the moon |
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| Awake Again... |
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| 04:13am 17/10/2003 |
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mood: tired music: Rob Dougan - Furious Angels - Born Yesterday
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I've got to be at woek in a few... 5am. Guh.. means I have to leave at 4:30. Dunn stopped by today.. (err yesterday) but I was so tired. I was supposed to be hanging with them but I fell asleep hard. What I need is a break from life. I want to sit down close my eyes and hit the pause button. Oh well. I miss so many things... I can't even really share how I feel anymore. I want a whole day to just sleep... yea... that would be nice if I could sleep. Yeah, it's started again. Started sunday night. I have not slept at night since sunday. I get little potshot naps here and there, so I've had max 4-6 hours b/w sunday night and now. I know why too. I just to think I should be sharing it... I mean everyone is happy right? Well at least it looks that way to me.
So where am I? Aside from not being able to sleep again, I talked to Amanda earlier this week. Actually she came by my place at like 9am... I was so not expecting it. Here I was un-shaven with scrag-like hair (yes hair) and bloodshot eyes... standing at my door my pajamas trying to figure why she was outside my door. The kittens got out so I grabbed them, welcomed her in and shut the door. She came into my bedroom and we talked and talked and talked. I swear if I wanted to be comfotable I would be with her... but I'm not in love with her, and even the part of me that still loves her is not enough to make that choice. I must be an idiot though. Here I was looking like a scab and smelling like a bunion and I had this hot chick talking to me about how she wanted to be with me. Yet I'm still where I am. I keep tearing myself down.
I really could not talk much the rest of the week I was in a kind of hidden rutt, but one of the people who matters said the magic words "I love you" to me... I missed hearing that from someone who matters. I said it right back, without hesitation... I could because I was sure and have always been sure about how I feel. I know what she meant when she said it, and I know what I meant... It was two vastly different I love yous... She meant she was sorry and I meant I still loved her. 4:12 now, I better go brush. |
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| 03:12am 16/10/2003 |
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Why is life moving by so fucking fast! Slow the fuck down! I want to chill when I'm done being busy dammit! |
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fly me to the moon |
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| Angst much? |
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| 08:14pm 27/09/2003 |
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music: Sega - AV/Nintendo - F-Zero GX - [14] Lightning
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I hate angst more than anyone on this planet, but it's what I do best.
You represent... angst.
You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about
everything. It's okay to sulk and be
depressed, but life is short, and you only get
one. It's only what you make it, and only you
can make it improve.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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4 flights - fly me to the moon |
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| I hate fleas. |
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| 08:01pm 27/09/2003 |
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music: Sega - AV/Nintendo - F-Zero GX- [08] Mute City
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I did not get power back till thursday at around 11pm... my kittens have fleas... so there's stuff that bite people in my house. They now wear flea collars and that drip on the neck thing. I've got to flea bomb my hose this monday or smth. Life is pretty much as it ever was, depressing and painfull. |
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3 flights - fly me to the moon |
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| There we go... |
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| 12:53pm 16/09/2003 |
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mood:  sore music: The Damning Well - Awakening
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I don't think Fred understands how much, I hate him. Every time I'm around him he gives me a reason to hate him more. Fred is exactly what I do not ever want to be. He was screwing someone else before he broke up with Kelly, then claimed this other chick was just till a better piece of ass came along... he's still dating her and he's fawning all over Nancy now. Hell it's not it's not fawning it fucking dating. It upsets me greatly... I mean she's 17 and there's 6 fucking years between them. I understood this problem when things started happening b/w Nancy and I... I was 21 and she was 17 so I killed it. I still feel guilty about just kissing her and that was with 4 years b/w us... it's 6 fucking years b/w Fred and her. Either way I fucking warned him before he met her, then I warned him on the same evening... and then I warned him when he was drunk. He's dating her though. The least he could have done was fucking ask me, before he chose to start dating her... not that it would change anything, but last time I checked it was a rule b/w guys to tell the ex (or someone who has had a situation with said girl i.e. me). I feel sorry for his moronic ass though... She told him she would let him be her first, and he fell for that game. I mean you were there, when she talked about her hotel room fiasco for crying out loud! And I know for a fact that she lost her virginity at the age of 14! Her first my ass. My biggest problem is that eventually he will fuck Nancy over, just like he fucked his the chick in SC over, who he fucked Kelly over with. "I didn't expect it to last this long with Kelly, I was expecting it to be a quickie thing like a month or two". That’s what Fred said to me about his relationship with Kelly about a month or two before he completely screwed her over. He said this to me knowing how I used to feel about Kelly. That wasn't just it... I skipped out on so many hints, like how on their anniversary he went to play pool with the guys and didn't even spend 5 minutes with her the whole day... same fucking thing with valentine day. This is pissing me the hell off! That's not even it. Fred is simply just a jackass. Not only is he aware of this, but he tries even harder consciously to be more of a jackass. He thinks he's some kind of super conniving villain... I can see through it, Tess can, Josh can and I'm sure we are not the only ones. Fred WILL will screw you over in a heartbeat. He's always said if there's grass on the field play ball... I never thought he actually meant it. It really pisses me of that Dunn cannot se Fred for what he is... I swear it kills me inside... She thinks he is a better guy than Anthony is! Can you imagine that? The woman I love hates my best friend to death and Anthony say's the only reason he's nice to her is because it's the woman I love... It pangs me to see that they don't see how alike they are. BTW where is my life right now? In the gutter and in the dumps... I've been super depressed for the better part of this month and the end of last month. I've been working and trying hard to keep my head out of the depression pool but it is damn near impossible... I haven’t done anything major or worthwhile... I have not done anything I claimed I would do... simply because I can't... I'm to upset. I should have taken those 2 weeks off this summer to hermitize myself. I've got to go pick up FF Tactics Advance today... That'll keep my mind of several things for a while. I can't get over how much I hate Fred though. I've told him I didn't like him several times... time upon time. Last Friday or smth he shook my hand... I cocked my eyebrow wondering wtf was going on. Thinking back on it... I think he realizes how much I don't like him; he pry thinks a handshake will fix everything. |
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fly me to the moon |
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| die kthxbye... |
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| 05:47am 13/09/2003 |
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music: Page Hamilton - Throwing Punches
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fred should die... will rant later... |
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fly me to the moon |
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| blah |
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| 08:37pm 07/09/2003 |
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mood:  apathetic music: Mirwais - Disco Science
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You know what? Pretending not to care about things is hard. I like alcohol. |
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fly me to the moon |
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