Demile Ashford (Aya)'s journal

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Sunday, January 11th, 2004
12:41 am - Friends are deceptive... okay... only one or two...
Noah's a fucking asshole and I hate him. I was sick with what I know know is strep throat, and was laying on the couch while he had his computer hooked up to mine and was giving me episodes of slayers. I told him he could go and take some music and programs if he wanted and he said okay... Then I found out he took all of my private chatlogs that MSN saves for me so I can look at them later if I need to. HE COPIED THEM ALL TO HIS HARDDRIVE AND READ ALL OF THEM!!! He totally invaded my privacy. He said stuff like I am not allowed to keep secrets from him, and he has to know EVERYTHING about me and shit. It's like WTF? I am not even his fucking girlfriend or anything, even if I was I would still be allowed to keep secrets and shit.

Anywho, hes being a total idiot and I have ended the friendship with him. Thats it, the end.


current mood: predatory
current music: random playlist... last song was "The Sailor Song" by Toybox

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Friday, November 28th, 2003
8:00 am - When did it start to rain?
Evidently it rained sometime within the last several house. I went to sleep aroun 4am and it wasn't raining then... it is now 8am and there is very large fresh layer of wetness on the ground.

After a while last night that cat finally did shut up, but guess who was at the door to greet me when I went to go let one of the doggys out to go potty. Stupid cat. I love her, but she really is just getting too annoying. Yay, several songs finshed downloading, it makes me happy.

My dad yelled at me the other day for having Microsoft Word open... he thought I was downloading music and hes really freaking out about people downloading music. He thinks that if I even start to download one song the authorities will be on our doorstep in a second and we will be getting sued by who knows who for millions of dollars. So I say to him "I'm not downloading any music" (at the time I wasn't) and he says "Then whats that!?" and points to Microsoft Word...and I reply with the truth "Word."

Apparently he thinks that "word" is a nerd/hacker/techie term for "program that downloads tons of illegal music and programs" because he screamed at me and said "Thats probably a nerd/hacker/techie term for 'downloading shit loads of illegal music.'" then he unplugs the computer. He is a total moron. I lost what I had been writing.

He also can't seem to grasp the fact that nobody gives a shit if you download music, its sharing that people have the problem with...and I don't share very much at all... I can't share! I have a 56k modem with a 28.8k connection. The phonelines are really messed up out at my house so we get about 14k connection on a horrible day (which at that point I don't even bother staying online, I disconnect immediatly if the connection is ever that low because it would take like an enternity to do something simple like check my email.) and on an average day we get 30k.... and on a very very good day (which are rare, but we've had 'em) we get the full 56k.

Oh well, at least my family has been away since saturday (except for my father, hes only been gone since wednesday) and they all wont be back till sunday night. I love it when there gone like this. Just like last thanksgiving, I stayed home for the week. ^_^


current mood: groggy
current music: "Break Me, Shake Me" by Savage Garden

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Thursday, November 27th, 2003
11:36 pm - Thanksgiving.
Wow, I had food. My family is visiting other relatives. I stayed home and ate thanksgiving dinner with my friend. Food is good. I want to kill my fucking cat. She has been an outside cat for about 18 maybe 19 years... since she was about 2 when she showed up on in our yard... and I was just a baby and I am 17 now... so she is about 19 or so now. She is being really annoying and wanting to come in the house... but all she will do is torment the dogs (they live indoors.), use my dads computer as a bed and use everything as a scratching post. If she had more manners I might wanna let her in but wouldnt be able to anyway. Who knows what is living on her anyway.

She has been sitting there scratching at the WINDOW *screech screech* for the past two nights now. And when i let her in for a bit to see how she behaves she goes and eats the dog food and bother everything. Well, I decided to give her a big ass thing of dog food next to her huge dish that is full of cat food... she nibbles at it then runs back and starts scratching at the window again. This of course is pissing the dogs off so they wont stop barking, not to mention the sound of sharp cat nails on glass isn't too pleasent... It's not as bad as nails on a chalkboard... but it definatly aint a trip to the opera (I happen to like opera :P)

Well, thats about it for the time being... I'm gonna go to sleep.

current mood: tired
current music: Final Fantasy X OST- "Suteki Da Ne" by Rikki

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Friday, August 29th, 2003
3:18 pm
Gary (my father) got bit by something and is very sick... hopefully he will die.

current mood: amused
current music: James Newton Howard- Disney's Atlantis- The Crystal Chamber"

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Wednesday, August 20th, 2003
7:10 pm - When I am pissed off... I ramble... alot....
Damnit... Why can't I select homicidal or murderous for my current mood.

Oh well. You know what. The death of my parents would not faze me one bit. I know that it sounds horrible but it's true. I hate them that much. I mean there was this one time my dad was in a car accident... my entire family was freaking out and spent every second for two weeks at the hospital... I never once step foot there. I stayed home and played video games and wrote... In fact I had more inspiration than ever. I had absolutely no problem with the fact that if the truck had flipped completely my father would have been crushed and killed. I don't know who I hate more... my mother of my father... it's a really tough decision.

When you grow up being taught that you will amount to nothing and that you are an absolutely worthless piece of shit from the day you were born... The first thing my mom said when I was born was "HOLY FUCK ITS A FUCKING LIZARD!" I didn't expect her to love me... I mean being an accident and all... well... I was actually more than just an accident... I mean... when your parents are trying to PREVENT your existence in the first place but against all odds your mother gets pregnant with you and can't get you aborted because when she found out it was too late.... it's a biiiigggg accident... I mean the only reason I was put on this damn planet it seems was to make their lives hell.

The people known as my parents did absolutely nothing but talk about how they were gonna give me up for adoption the second I was born, but my grandmother on my fathers side would think nothing of it... being the only one who ever even slightly cared about me said that she would completely disown both her son and daughter-in-law if they didn't keep me.

Four years since my tragic birth... then comes my PLANNED sister. The first thing she does... throw up on my father's face... and so I quote... "AWWW HOW CUTE!" cooed my dad. The next morning they take her home in an expensive car-seat and put her in her in their room in her expensive crib with dozens of stuffed animals... for crying out loud... why couldn't they have just shuffled away from the hospital and tossed her in a cardboard box with a towel and a stolen hospital gown, then when they get home they could dig out the small laundry basket and set a towel and an old ratty sheet in it, then put her in that. Hey... it worked for me. V_V

And it wasn't like they were poor or anything... oh noooo, that wasn't the case... my dad purchased a giant stereo system and a new truck the next day and my mum bought new clothes... for herself... Grandmum brought me some clothes that she bought for me, a few stuffed animals and a used wooden crib, Merlin bless her soul.

But yes, anyway... I was four when my sister was born...They were going to move me into a tiny, tiny 5ft x 6ft room but unfortunately for them had to put me in the larger room because that was the only room that would allow them to have their washing machine and dryer without having to do to much work (the room was made for a washing machine or dishwasher in the first place, the plumbing was all connected and stuff. So like I said, I got a slightly bigger room... just barely big enough for a smaller than twin sized bed (which I still sleep in today because they won't buy me a new one... and the time I bought a new one, which was about 4 years ago when I was 13 my dad returned it when I was camping with some friends and got MY money back and kept it, leaving me with me with my child sized bed that pokes me from all sides with it's springs... he won't even let me replace the mattress.

My life has been the same forever... Except I have larger room now... in the beginning I had two very LARGE windows in this room with no blinds or curtains the largest window is directly in the line of view of my dad's truck garage where he works with a bunch of old guys. Talk about gross... okay get this... I change in my room... gee, who’d a thunk it? And personally I would prefer to change without old guys peeping at me... I present my case to the fucker... he says, "No, you don't need privacy. That just means your hiding something, like drugs.".... my sister had curtains.... she had them since she moved into that room which was a new addition to the house. The same day I presented my case to my dad I ask why my 6 year old sister gets curtains...he responds "Because she needs her privacy." This argument went on for years... I never got curtains or blinds... I at one point bought some and he took them back and kept the MY money when I was gone... I'd hang up sheets... he'd take them down... I would put paper over them... he would take it down... finally, just recently, a few months ago I bought some horizontal blinds and put them up... he gave up and left them alone... for once I won.

Next issue we had at hand.... a lock on my door... I wanted one ever since I got the larger room. My sister and her friends had stolen too many things from me as it was, my parents would steal from my savings, taking any paper money that I may have had, my sister as well as my parents would barge in at any given time, doesn't matter what I was doing, I could have been changing, sleeping, doing private things.

Thank god they have never caught me in the act of "doing private things" I would have been out of there and forced into a mental institution because "people who masturbate always like molesting small children" according to my parents one day while the word "masturbation" was brought up on something on TV... Doesn't that just make you wanna kill them? How fucking dumb can they be????????

Back to the subject of locks....

There is no reason that a 9/10 year old can have a lock on her door and her 14-year-old sister cannot... solution... I buy a lock, change my doorknob when everyone is gone... my parents never said anything about it... I soon found out why my father didn't rip the door off the hinges... he took the spare key out of my room that same night while I left for a moment to go to the bathroom and made several copies of it... giving one to my mom, keeping one for himself and giving one to my LITTLE SISTER! Now how fucked up is that? After a while I completely changed the lock and although he magically obtained the spare key of that one as well I still have no clue if he has given the rest of my fucked up family a copy.

When I was 14 my parents gained custody of my little cousin Garrett, because his mum is a drug addict and his dad is a paint huffing loser. Well they pretty much made it clear to me that the only reason I am still alive or living in that house is because they need things to look good to social services... oh brother.

When I started as a high school freshmen in a different school district Garrett started first grade in the same district. My sister attended school in a different district because she wanted to be where there were preps and snobs, because she would fit in then (those were her actual words too.) Fine and dandy. I don't really care.

My grades sucked, although during conferences my teachers would tell my parents "Don't worry, these low grades just mean she doesn't have enough confidence in herself and without that confidence she isn't motivated to do her homework... we have seen her class work... it is superior. I have read her writing, she is one of the most brilliant people I have ever met." and my parents would bust up laughing and leave in the middle of the conference. I would go home and listen to them scream at me for about 5 hours about how much of a loser I am and that amount to nothing and that all my teachers are stupid fucks that don't know anything.

"Brilliant my ass... if you're so brilliant why aren’t you a cheerleader like your sister? Why don't you play sports like your sister? Why not does something like that to show off your so-called great intelligence? You're not going to prove anything by sitting around writing in that damn journal of yours. Maybe if you would get off your fat ass and play softball or basketball or become a cheerleader like your sister then maybe you would amount to something."

That is what my father told me one night after I handed in a blank history test to my teacher and took a zero because I was too depressed and sick to concentrate, I had strep throat and my allergies had been so bad that I had been sneezing until several of my blood vessels in my nose broke and my nose wouldn't stop bleeding... even though by law since I was contagious I was supposed to stay home my parents forced me to go to school say that they didn't want me to get my sister, cousin or themselves sick, nor did they want to see "Pizza the Hutt" laying on the couch every time they walked into the house. (For those of you who haven’t seen Spaceballs think Jabba the Hutt from Star Wars as a giant mass of cheese with pepperoni, olives, and eyes, mouth and hands... for those of you who have never seen Star Wars... then you suck. *joke*)

Sorry I didn’t know I had to be completely brainless like my sister to be intelligent… I guess every piece of writing I have done since I knew how has been pointless then. Okay, I guess I will just go out and magically become a brainless cheerleader like my younger sister now… yup… really I will… I love being a snobby bitch…yup really I do….

Yeah fucking right.

So I stayed at school and blamed all my sickness on the flu and allergies... if they didn't know it was strep throat then they wouldn't sent me home... and there wouldn't be any scene with my family... so I ditched most of my classes and fell asleep under the table or on the couch in the computer lab or in the school psychiatrists room... she was like my mother.

There came a time around my Sophomore prom when I was on my way home from a poetry competition that I had taken second place in. and my dad started screaming at me for some reason... we were on the highway home and he started screaming at me and I said something back and he told me to get out of the car and walk home and I said "okay, I'll be happy to." and the second I opened the door and had one foot on the ground he took off down the road at 60 mph. I was hanging halfway out the door, clutching on to it so that I wouldn't get fucking killed, I finally pulled myself back in the car and scurried over the seat into the back seat. When we got home he slammed me up against the wall really hard and was shaking me, screaming at me, just being really fucking pissed at me... and for what now? For climbing over the seat in the brand new Ford Expedition...

I told the school psychiatrist the story and I filed a report to CPS.... what happened? Absolutely nothing... my families social worker found out about it and so did my mum... he did nothing but said that my father would never do anything of the sort. What happened to me? My mom locked me in my room for a week. I wasn't allowed to leave for any reason other than school, I couldn't even leave to go to the bathroom or get something to eat or drink. They would come check my door and window every 10 minutes just to make sure I wasn't attempting to leave... If I needed to go to the bathroom I had to hold it until someone either went outside or upstairs when I would have to quietly sneak out, go down the hallway into the bathroom and hurry the fuck up before they found out I had left my room. For food I would do the same thing, and even have my grandmum (who was and still is living in a large trailer in our yard and has been since my grandfather died) come and bring me little bits of food and some water through my window when my parents were occupied with the television…

Whoooo okay… enough of pointless rambling… how was my day today? Boring as fuck…. I had to work with two the sloppiest employees… therefore I had to clean up after them…. The register was off by 30 bucks because someone messed up on credit card slips, and it wasn’t me because I didn’t even touch the damn register today. I want fucking school to start… the sooner I go back to school the sooner I graduate and the sooner I graduate the sooner I get out of this Merlin forsaken hell hole!

I did find out my schedule though…its nifty.

Period 1: Ceramics
Period 2: Computer Technology
Period 3: Peer counseling
Period 4: Chorus
Period 5: Computer Technology
Period 6: Woodshop II
Period 7: Go home an hour early

Sweet fucking ass… Okay… I have rambled too much in this entry so I am going to leave now.

current mood: pissed off
current music: Metallica- Until It Sleeps

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Saturday, August 16th, 2003
Hmmmmmmmm.... I am bored. There is nothing to eat... I can't get the VCR to work so therefor I cannot watch a movie... There is nothing on TV... my dad locked the good computer in his office then took the rest of the family fishing over the weekend. He is such an ass. I tried picking the lock... no luck... I tried climbing through the tiny window... But my ass isn't squishy so I couldnt squeeze through... it was so terrible... I got the window open, got the ladder out climbed part way in, got my foot stuck between the desk and the wall and my pants got caught on the window frame... I knocked the ladder over and was stuck hanging there for a few minutes while I desperatly reached in the office for the phone to call my friend and help me get my pants unstuck... I couldn't reach the phone... I fell back down and dangled there upside down by my leg for a minute, used my jedi force powers to call the ladder to me... ok ok... so barely managed to grab the ladder, pull it back up and climb and use it for a wobbly support while I freed my pants from the window. From outside my house I arranged things on my dad's windowsill just like they were, shut the window, put the ladder away got back into the house when I realized... Oh shit, the paper shreader is now sitting on the floor of his office instead of the windowsill... so i got the giant ladder out again, moved the stuff aside again, grabbed the little old-person-handicapped-grabbing-claw thing laundry room (it was bought years ago from a garage sale to pinch people with.) climbed back to the window, squeezed the top half of my body through and used the little claw thing to pick up the powercord of the shredder. Once I had the cord I pulled the shredder back onto the windowsill, arranged things back to normal, closed the window, put away the ladder and the grabby claw thing and went back into the house.

Never ever again will I attempt that, not unless my ass becomes magically moldable and/or smaller.

Shortly after, my friend showed up to my house unexpectedly (the same friend I was gonna call when I was stuck) only at this point I had taken off my clothing and was lounging in my oversized robot t-shirt.

So we hung around for a while. Then he left.

Now I am trying to get my VCR to work so that I can watch a movie like Titan A.E., The Little Mermaid or something... Damn. Oh well, I might have to drag my crap VCR into the living room if I want to use the big screen TV.

Oh well...



current mood: aggravated
current music: Taty- Nas Ne Dagonyat

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Friday, August 15th, 2003
11:57 pm - Mmmm... Yaoi-licious
Wow, I havent rambled in a while. YES! My family is gone for the weekend! w00t! Just got off work a few hours ago, took a long hot bath, now I am looking for yaoi pictures to add to my collection then I am going to go figure out how much the material for my senior picture/prom dress is going to cost.... its going to be preeettty. A long flowing gown, midieval style. And it's gonna be green and silver.

I should call the lady that's making it, she wasn't busy so I should have it before senior picture deadline... which reminds me... I gotta call the picture guy back and ask him if we are still on for the beach shoot. ^_^

My dad is totally being an ass and won't let me move out in January even though I legally graduated in my sophomore year. He's like "If you leave early it will look like you are a drop out!" ...ummm no... not when I am leaving to go to college... He's an ass.

if I am going to be forced to stay till June then I might as well splurge on everything for my senior year. Super-expensive dress CUSTOM MADE, GOOOD senior pictures, and then another dress for either prom or the sober-grad celebration... if its a formal then I will wear the dress that I get made and I will buy a cheaper dress for prom. If its not a formal I will go in something not formal...(Really now? I had no idea. :P)

Being a senior is sooooooo cool. w00t! I have no classes!... well, I have Ceramics, Computer Tech, Peer counseling and choir, computer tech, then electronics. No hardcore subjects! BOOYA!... Oh it really fucking sucks... we don't have creative writing anymore... stupid Governer Gay Davis and his budget cuts... we lost 3 great teachers and several good classes.

I need to take my cloak in to get dyed black. When I bought it (years ago) I thought it was black but it was really dark blue (Hey, it is velvet and I was in a dimly lit buidling it was really hard to tell what color it was when i bought it) and I never got around to getting it dyed, I have been afraid of doing it myself because I would probably kill it.

I still can't decide what to use for my senior quote (hopefully I can have two) I think I may use...

"People think I am a terrible person. They are wrong... I have the heart of a small child... in a jar... on my desk." -Stephen King

and maybe...

---Japanese writing---- (Pantsu kudasai)- Translation: Panties Please!

Damn, I really wish I could install the Japanese language pack on this fucking computer. But noooooo I caaannnntttt. Because its a piece of shit.

Hmmm... I should go work on some of my fanfics.... damnit, I'm kinda tired and wanna go to sleep, but that would be dumb because I would be wasting precious computer and writing time by doing something totally pointless... Like sleeping.

Ah well, looks like I'm gonna go to bed.



current mood: drained
current music: Two Mix- "Living Daylights" (next: Ace of Base- "Ravine")

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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
10:54 am - mmm... morning....
10:45AM.... frozen tamale for a late breakfast. Ohhhhh, no work today! Goody. Nothing tooooo ddrrrrinnnkkk! *cry* okay, I am in a weird mood... Want my family to go away. Can't wait till January so I can get out of this house. Maybe I should be working on the writing portfolios that I have to present at my interviews for Pratt Institute of Liberal Arts and Chester College....

Damn tamale is still frozen and my scanner hates me. I really hope I can possibly save enough money by January for a new desktop computer, printer and scanner. I am terrible at saving money... oh well, if I force myself to tuck most of each paycheck away then I should have enough. I need something really good... still browsing for parts at the moment though, I will never ever buy a preassembled PC from Best Buy... My family decided one day to get a Compaq Presario 5000...... They love it... I want to melt its insides.

Ohhh, who cooked there tamale too long? I did! I did! god damnit... wait a sec... the outside is to soft and the inside is still frozen... damnit.

Oh well, at least I dont have to go making sandwiches all day ((I work at Subway and fix computers (very rarely) on the side))

Arg. Someone should make that stupid dog stop barking... I have 3 of them....

Ah shit! Ow... burned the roof of my mouth. Oh well, that tamale, although complete mush after I threw it in the microwave was yummy.

Oh yay, theres my little cousin... he's been living with us for the past few years... my parents have now adopted him.... Oh joy... he's so incredibly annoying. Okay, there he goes to the other room to play one of my old saved Final Fantasy 7 games.... I will kill him if he deletes anything... like before.

Okay, maybe I'll write more later... I am probably a real bore to anyone who happens to read this. But yeah, I see one person finds me somewhat interesting. I guess I will hang around then.



current mood: weird
current music: John Williams- Across The Stars

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1:31 am - Bored.
Finally decided to create my blurty account. Nothing else... I guess this is more of a test entry. If anyone finds me interesting from my profile feel free to talk to me.


current mood: tired
current music: Inkubus Sukkubus

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