Blurty for eirelaV Abeille.
|Sunday, October 12th, 2003|
my new journal::
lol..spelt the second 'delta' wrong... was too late when i found out..
|Wednesday, October 8th, 2003|
Somehow all my film got exposed... now I've no pictures to put up :( Got the feeling that a certain someone sabotaged my rolls of film, but why would that person give a flying rats ass about the images I take?! I'm so exasperated Those were pretty damned good pics too >:|
What's with humans and their interest in making other suffer? I say nothing draws attention more than human destruction. Such a savage nature....I'll never come to empathize with it.
Beyond the anger and the infuriation, there's the uneasy feeling of being intruded & hurt... In fact, I was so upset that I cried a little when I found out... even now, just the mere thought of those beautiful shots being wasted makes tears well up in my eyes.... dammit, I think I'm getting too attached to the pictures I take...
Well what can you expect of a sensitive person? (see first post)
How peachy keen swellegant ... I'll go do my homework...
|Monday, October 6th, 2003|
Name: Valerie Abeille
Birthdate: January 14, 1985
Hair Color: Dark brown
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Capricorn
The shoes you wore today: Black Esprit Platforms
external: acoustic songs, the night sky
internal: hrm.. Im a bit of an intorvert.. oh, and I procastinate :P
Your fears: creepy crawlies, frogs, being rejected :(
Your perfect pizza: thin crust, not too much toppings (can you say CPK?)
Goal you'd like to achieve: succesfully live through this school year :P
Your most overused phrase on AIM/messenger: lol :P
Your thoughts first waking up: it varies... "huh?" ; "is the sun out?" ; "oh... it was just a dream"; "what the heck did that mean?!"
Your best physical feature: hmm... if not my eyes, then my teeth... or my "long" slender fingers (as people have described it)..
Your bedtime: ... early... sometimes I sleep at 3 am... sometimes I dont get any sleep at all.
Your most missed memory: Memories in Singapore
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: err...none. but I'd go for Mc Donald's in terms of toys (happy meal)
Single or group dates: or
Adidas or Nike: or
Lipton Iced Tea or Nestea: uhh...
Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla... then again, i have the propensity to binge on chocolate whenever i'm depressed
LAYER FIVE: Do you...
Sing: Yes-- in the wee hours of the morning when everyone's asleep haha
Take a shower everyday: yes
Have a crush: not exactly. I just find them cute :P
Think you've been in love: Yeah.. though it was a sham all along..
Want to go to college: yes
Like high school: High school's a joke :P can't stand all the masks I have to face evry single day
Want to get married: Yes
Believe in yoursef: Lately... no
Get motion sickness: yup...
Think you're attractive: yes... but not to all people :)
Think you're a health freak: I used to be
Get along with your parents: sometimes
Like thunderstorms: no..but i love the rain
Play an instrument: yup
LAYER SIX: In the past month, have you...
Drank alcohol: yes
Done a drug: pain killers..does that count?
Gone on a date: hahahaha
Gone to the mall: hahahaha
Eaten an entire box of Oreos: ....
Eaten sushi: nope
Been on stage: yup
Been dumped: who's there to dump me? That already happened 5 months ago :P
Gone skating: nope. i want to get my ass back on the rink though
Made homemade cookies: yup
Gone skinny dipping: no
Dyed your hair: nah
Stolen anything: moments.
LAYER SEVEN: Have you ever..
Played a game that required removal of clothing: yes
If so, was it mixed company: Yup
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: intoxicated with emotions
Been caught "doing something": "doing something"? rather vague... yes i guess.
Been called a tease: yeah
Gotten beaten up: nope..though there was a time when someone kicked my shin 4 times, hit my arm and shoulders and elbowed my spine...
Changed who you were to fit in: a few times.. sick of playing the game though. Haven't done that in a while
Age you hope to be married: 24/25
Numbers and Names of Children: 2 kids... with either of the names::: noelle, czari, victoria, joanne, katherine, krystal, noami, serena, sarah, christopher, joel, daniel, eric, mark.. im not very creative with guy's names :P
Where you want to go to college: next question
What do you want to be when you grow up: je ne sais pas :P rather precarious about it
What country would you most like to visit: France
LAYER NINE: In a boy...
<--this section doesn't matter-->
Best eye color: brown... but it can be yellow or neon green for all i care.
Best hair color: Brown? see answer above
Best height: taller than me
Best weight: heavier than me
Best articles of clothing: -----
Number of drugs taken illegally: None.
Number of people I could trust with my life: 1
Number of CDs that I own: ahh...
Number of piercings: None.
Number of tattoos: None.
Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: a couple
Number of scars on my body: 3
Number of things in my past that I regret: a lot.....
|Sunday, October 5th, 2003|
I've spent the last hour staring at the computer monitor when that precious time could have been used to work on my Psychology paper... goodness I'm dazed :| ..a little dizzy as well. Ken called up just now. I had a little argument about him about size (no, its not what you're thinking). Let's just post that on another entry. For now, I'll torture this journal (or you... yes you :) with another poem I wrote... it's a little vague but I don't care much for correcting the flawed areas.
By the way, I 'killed' another person today :| (see previous entry)
About the recesses of the plethoric sapphire
are strewn memories effervescent with emotions---
its a concoction resulting from elusive promises manifested by disaster.
With the departure of the frenzied squall, I called out your name
Bite into the softness of my voice as you have before
and release the saccharine fumes of scarlet passion
that will rush out to envelope our splayed glass bodies;
it will douse us with intoxicating desire and
fuse shards of what was once whole...
the vicious tempest shall return.
This star-crossed affection cannot be altered-
Assuage the pain and leave
to witness the dissonant colors clashing in the nostalgic sky-
the thunderous raconteur of our desolate ardor.
|Saturday, October 4th, 2003|
Retracting the thoughts,
the world spirals, staggers and slowly evaporates.
I stare into the stygian eyes of oblivion-
as it brews trouble, fear and dissonance,
the stupor flooding me in nauseating uncertainty;
My intensified awareness suits as a curse-
the spiting honey and rancid juices sully my abrasive throat as
asphalt powder strains down my quivering lungs.
The silenced ululation is cold and shrilling and
my soul looms to burst out while
awaiting the body’s junction with the squalid, sweet soil
that smells of welcoming demise.
Above, the stars bleed on a sinister canopy;
a crow screeches a nostalgic dirge commemorating the misogynic entity dissolving this ephemeral life…
and I awaken.
My chest heaves as my muscles relax.
My pink skin is still cushioned against the fresh grass of June.
The bruised soul within sighs, perceptive of the claws that skulk to impart sufferance.
Sapped from the perilous journey in my mind’s eye,
I squint up to witness
a canvas of crimson fades into an ashen hue.
The disconcertion of it's acutal veracity hangs in the air.
Musing over the people whose diaphanous existence rested on my thoughts---
Thousands have been massacred.
...what's to stop my slaughter?
Pffft.. didn't get to jog yesterday. I did however, engage in a phone conversation with a friend who needed my advice.
*tries not to think about her slow but incessant weight gain* Goodness, all that extra food my parents force me to eat could be used to nourish the starving children of the world instead of bulking and storing up as useless, static fat in this body of mine (can you say clogging arteries?). I'm a little bit of a push over when it comes to my parents- and I've no choice but to be that since they-as they themselves have stressed before- provide for me. The only escape is skipping the meals during which I'm in school. My meals a day consist of the "afternoon snack", dinner and "late night snack". Don't be fooled- the things they tell me to eat usually add up to more than just 3 regular meals put together. In fact, I think all that I take in a day equates to 5 big meals. *shudders* I exercise but it's just not enough to stop the gain. And I'd work out more if I wasn't so swamped with work :P
I've been thinking about it... and maybe I should just go back to being anorexic.
I was happy the way I was before but my joy was short-lived. The damned doctor lied to me and with the help of my mom, forced me into recovery. What was I to do but conform when i was being subjected to conditional positive regard?? It's a conspiracy I tell you. I never quite forgave that medical fibber for that. And now I know my mom would stoop down to anyway as long as she has it her way. I detested the way they dealt with the situation. I did.. and I still do.
Seems as though a majority of the people who care for me have a problem with falsehood.
I'm not putting up a stygian pretense about my life. I'm not blowing things out of proportion. In fact, I'm not asking for anyone's commiseration. The things I put here are purely the way I feel.
Being individuals, we have different emotional thresholds and we differ in almost evrything. That's why I haven't come to understand what the deal is with norms. You say that it's a common factor in a population. No. That's far too generalized. Besides that, its troublesome to know that many have the misconception that norms=whats right. We all differ- whats their basis for normalcy and the abnormal(the wrong)? When a person looks abnormal i.e, physically unattractive, we don't say that they're wrong or that they look wrong.
Sometimes I feel like society drives us like mindless lemmings. Be careful not to follow suite in the confusion of it all...and watch out for the cliff.
|Friday, October 3rd, 2003|
3 days have passed since my last Pilates workout. It's bad enough that I had to quit ballet and modern jazz dance to concentrate on my studies
In fact, I think I'll go out for a jog right now....
In my 8th attempt at sleeping, I failed miserably and decided to come online to write something.
hrm maybe that wasn't such a good idea...*ow* how my head hurts :(
..I'll just post a picture then....
This was taken by my friend who attended a fairytale-themed beach wedding. The picture doesn't have much clarity, which is pretty disappointing since it had an awesome backdrop :( In any case, I still adore this picture. You might say that I have an obsession with the beach and the sun :)
... I'll post something else later...
|Thursday, October 2nd, 2003|
I love beautiful panoramas. They cloak my troubles-even for a short period of time- and awaken the soul within. Whenever I take a snap of a certain view, I give it part of me as well. The picture is shot- I open up, absorbing as much of the surroundings I can. Closing my eyes and unearthing the scents, textures and the overall mood it gave me, this entire body can relive the moment captured on the glossy sheet of paper. The infusion of my mind's eye and my heart forms that secret place I can escape to in times of stress. I can't get enough of these picture-taking rhapsodies. I'll be posting up shots after my roll has been developed. Until then, I've only these (fairly gorgeous) images to share::: hope you like them as much as I do :)
This was taken somewhere in Palo Alto. Notice how the sun rays are made more visible by the smoke steaming up the sky...
mmm... this one reminds me of the late night dive I did a months ago
*sigh* I want to go diving again...
...kind of makes you long for someone special to share this with... how about a hug? Come here you! **tight hug** :)
My inner child is sixteen years old...pfft...
|Wednesday, October 1st, 2003|
I stayed up until 3 am and fell asleep as usual… school’s getting pretty hectic and I just don’t see how I’ll survive this. Well if the people before me managed to pull through their senior year in IB, well by gosh, I’ll be able to do it just as well!.... *slumps* sigh… now that kind of optimism I’m in dire need of. The whole issue on the meaning of life set me back in my schoolwork for quite a bit… I’ve a lot of catching up to do :(
My day was generally dull. 'xcept of course for that upsetting episode during psychology class. Dr.Ef expressed her disappointment in me which made me feel all the worst. Having had the assumption that I wouldn’t be here to face the consequences of my actions, I haven’t gien in any work since school started. This makes it look as though I’m taking advantage of her kindness… I used to be a psychology gung-ho until anorexia started running my life. Inevitably, my grades spiralled downward. Dr.Ef gave me much support with her good-nature and patience during that tough time... and I made it a point to do better in her class this year. Yet, I just had to go and prove humans' eminent consistency in being inconsistent :( It’s terribly upsetting to have someone say to you that you had let them down… particularly when they've misread your intentions as those of rebellion or disrespect. Tis unfortunate that they know not of the hurt, confusion & slow demise of the self that underlies your actions. It’s difficult to share such foreboding feelings with someone without causing them alarm (and possibly avoidance toward you). Why make life more complicated & uncomfortable by subjecting them to that?
Anyway, after talking to Dr.Ef, I left the class and found myself on the balcony on the 4th floor of the school building. For an instant, the tension in my muscles fled. My eyes engulfed the clear aqueous euphoria veiling around the sporadic lush greeness of the hilly land. I shut my window to the world and imagined my own particles losing their bonds, seperating to unite with the moving air that was gently caressing my hair and skin. Filling my lungs with this tranquility, I was revitalized somewhat. Then remorse slowly crept back in. My chest felt encumbered by blocks of granite and I found my eyes stung with the familiar salinity and heat that eventually dampened my face; though alcohol courses down my cheeks, the swollen redness of the skin gives me away. Someone seemed to say “Look out there… jump. Jump while you still can. Escape.” But nothing happened. Just as I started to reevaluate my situation, a security guard came up from behind and leaned on the railing beside me.
When I got back home from school, I decided to take a step back and give time for my thoughts. I laid down on the lawn and started wondering about nothing in particular... strange, that. The wispy clouds hanging above me seemed contemplative of the melody of the birds; fallen leaves cushoned my body and tickled the back of my neck; the scent of the grass everything that surrounded me saturated and soothed my senses. Then I pushed aside the menacing thoughts that haunted me in school and tried to imagined how good it would feel to have someone-- anyone-- lying next to me. Mm.. pathetic. Along with the indiscrimination of my thoughts, Gabriel came into picture. I guess I do miss him a little. There is no doubt that he makes good company.. it's just too bad that he had to be an incompetent jerk.
Sensitivity-- undeniably my gift and curse :P It doesn’t help that depression has been clinging onto the air these days. On my skin it condenses into this gooey confusion, leaving me distracted and somehow unable to carry on with normal life.
God knows how this began… I believe it started when “the question” wouldn’t stop pestering me. What’s the meaning of life? What’s my purpose of this world? I’ve heard of people saying things like “You have to create a purpose for yourself” or “You’re here for God’s purpose/ to serve God”… “Look inside yourself and find the answer” even. But so far, the support they have offered to substantiate these claims haven’t lead anywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not an atheist and I definitely have nothing against God either. In fact, I’m a Christian. No, I’m not questioning His power and decision. “Have faith in God” you say? I honestly say that I wish I did have more faith in Him. But I refuse to sit on my butt and wait for the answer to come searching for me.
It’s impossible to look within yourself and search for an answer. Sometimes people are so desperate that they fall for any instant ‘solution’—most of which are so ridiculous they fail to see it-- that may satiate those problems. *sigh* Maybe I should mull over the fact that life is simply devoid of the things that make me happy. Unrestrained autonomy, unconditional love & healthy relationships all but exist in my silent reverie. So arises the troublesome question: why the heck are we here? “God’s plan” aside, Who gives a flying rats ass about human advancement when we’re going to die anyway? What’s the use of everything we do when we know it will all go away as life ceases? And what of “accomplishments”? What do they really mean? Perchance they’re an excuse to give life meaning… a means of passing through this time without having to go insane thinking about what it all means. Life indeed is a game. It’s an approach to pass time on this planet. It’s fun (at times) while it lasts. And so what then after the game?
Maybe we’ll never find the answer. Maybe there really isn’t a purpose in this world…and maybe for a long while now, humans have been living a lie (and still are). But maybe things are better that way (?). That way, people function better and do what they can with their ephemeral lives. Living just for the sake of living… it’s an odd concept but I want to give it a try :P Suicide is just a little too abrupt an end for me…
Blurty for eirelaV Abeille.