I wanna kiss you every minute every hour every day's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
I wanna kiss you every minute every hour every day

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(1 star | shining star)

[02 Oct 2004|01:53pm]
I have my poi.
So very fun but, harder then it looks.
Need to practise more...it's too windy though and I'm crap.
Oh well, back to work.

(2 stars | shining star)

[06 Jun 2004|04:39am]
Well it's 4:39am and there is still alertness here, Continuation of the Harry Potter series may have to be done until sleepynees comes over me...some time...soon..please.

Mum has finally noticed the new ring in my big red ear, and then proceeded to ask if it was fake.
I do something that she said I'm allowed to do (and it is legal) and she then got really shocked and hit me (not hard, just messing about, but still, unneeded.)
The only reason she seen it, is because she decided to give me a lift to work.

Ohh it's getting light outside, hmm I wonder if I've missed the sunrise yet, tempted to walk on to the hill and watch it. Though walking in the door at about 7am after sitting on a hill will cause suspicion, so best not.

Exam in 5 days, wooooo, which fool has been spending their time, making email accounts, reading stupid amounts, buying things from ebay and posting on random forums to pass the time...My procasinating twin, of course, I on the otherhand have been working non stop to get the grades I need, yes. Thats right.
I have witness!! You can't force me to do anything. HA.

Sleep time, I'm talking crap.

(5 stars | shining star)

[29 May 2004|05:29pm]
yooooooo daveee....you should be reading this as you said you do...
hehe my ear is great...yay tragus..and i will not be getting my arm peirced...not after daves reaction.
hmm i should get ready for work now...4 hour shift...starting at 6pm....after 3 hours sleep and waking up at 5am...damn you dave! thank you really.. happy luize!

(shining star)

[17 Jan 2004|12:58pm]
Why do you cry?

brought to you by Quizilla

heh i feel bad. i can't. but i should, it's only fair.
i should say why, but it seens to chuck blame when it is my fault.
but i can't just stay silent, this hurts

(shining star)

[12 Jan 2004|10:42pm]
As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming of

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are guided by darkness. Chances are you are
depressed, or you just always see things in a
negative point of view. You sit back and take
everything in. You are the gentle giant. But
one day you will snap. (Rate my test)

What force is your soul?
brought to you by Quizilla
Info Grey
Your Heart is Grey

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

(shining star)

[06 Jan 2004|12:06pm]
mmm new friends.
i like this one, stained and tattered but still perfection inside

why did i ever leave you to rest?

(shining star)

[28 Dec 2003|10:47am]
I though that I didn't really care about them, it's shaken me up.
How can you care for people that you have never seen and most likely never will, not even pictures. The only memory of them I have is a phone call to Mahange even then she couldn't speak English very well. I have heard the stories but there are so many of them that clash Dad's memory has been clouded and over the years I have seen them roll into each other.
I remember wishing I had a 'normal' family, that I had a Mum and a Dad living together without rows. Wishing that I didn't hear a different mother tongue everyday, trying to learn it to understand him. Knowing that I can't and most likely won't see half my family. Though that half is about 3 or 4 times the size of a normal whole family.
Now they could be gone.

(shining star)

[24 Dec 2003|12:40pm]
do i do this everytime?
12 hours of happiness and security to plumet back to fear, darkness and my own stupidity.
and who is at fault?? can i blame the people around me? no. i asked them to buy those drinks. can i blame anything. i was wishing it was him. i had to lean on him didn't i, i wasn't that tired was i? but leaning turns to a weakness and now i'm further behind then ever.
i have eyes looking at me, i have to sort this shit out, i have numbers and another person to block on msn.
it's bad. it's an addiction, last time i wished and dreamed it wasn't them and was him i've done it again this time. but i won't fall into the next trap, i know that one and it is stupid to fall into it.

(shining star)

[11 Dec 2003|12:34am]
i have too many of these and i update all too often.
yet i don't write down enough to know what happens.
i sleep from 2am-7pm but now at midnight i am told to go to bed as i need rest and don't sleep enough....i have been awake all of 5 hours but i'm not one to argue with mum. so to bed it is, we have an agreement that i am allowed to listen to music and make pom poms in bed though so computer must stay on for music.

(7 stars | shining star)

[12 Nov 2003|12:06am]
i just told her, not hospital but legs and arms and arrrg, this is wrong.
i've ruined everything. how is she sposed to enjoy the weekend knowing why i am in white.
:'( why am i so stupid. why couldn't i just send an email. why coudln't i have been a secret carrying on.
i want to go back let me back. just change that one moment. i don't care about anything else. ana is a good mate. stop it all please. i can't keep doing this

(shining star)

[07 Nov 2003|02:52am]
1 hour mayb more
3 places
not stopping now, won't let it rest.
still have a sock left
sorry, mayb you should have listened to me.

(shining star)

[30 Oct 2003|12:53am]
Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 62%
Antisocial |||||||||||||| 58%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 42%
Narcissistic |||||||||||| 42%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Dependent |||||||||||||| 54%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||| 42%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test

(3 stars | shining star)

[29 Oct 2003|01:34am]
anyone i was ever close to has faded or started to fade away, i would write names and shit but thats useless. it will onyl make me think of how useless i am at keeping a friend, now i can't even re make them. and i'm not allowed to be reunited with my old friend who has never turned it's back on me.
there is no body who i can email or talk to and say whats on my mind anymore. from one person i will just get told to pull myself together and why should all this effect me. there is nothing wrong with me. another one will just say that it is depressing them and they don't want to talk about hurting or suicide. another one will say keep going another will just say oh i'm so sorry for you. and the other will just say why didn't i say before, and the start about their own problems, how they can't handle having someone that loves them and they love them back.
heh i love the wrong people or person rather. i am used. i am broken. i can't even care for a cat anymore. i'm retracing my steps but this time i'm serious. i failed once or twice. i am a failure but i will get something right.
i'm meant to be happy i have a loving family who lie to me
i have a roof over my head
i have people that love me but never the right one
i don't get told to go to bed often or many questions asked about foul moods/wrong sleeping patterns
i am "intelligent" through brakedowns and being suicidal
so why am i depressed.
i even have people saying they are my friend. but i don't feel it, just pain.
my heart hurts too much. it is just going to stop soon. it isn't only emotional any more i phsyically ache and have shoting pains from being broke.
my eyes constantly sting from tear build up or being dry.
and throughout this i'm expected to keep on going normally. put on the smile so my dad doesn't disown me. put on the smile so i don't depress others.
can i be self centred for once please. just not think of how it hurts others to see me upset and actually show it.
i am actually dying in front of you all but you can't see it because it upsets you.
let me be me without a mask and not tell me to cheer up. i can't you don't tell someone who has asthma to breathe properly so don't fucking tell me to cheer up. it doesn't work that way anymore.
i died. i'm dying again but it isn't only my body thats dying this time

(1 star | shining star)

[28 Oct 2003|12:36am]
[ mood | suicidal ]

how can i feel so alone when there are people telling me that i can go to them for help or they are there for me. why do i fell alone.
why can't i have a friend who is there always, if i want a hug i can have one. maybe not there and then but within a week even 2-3. but there is no one. the only person i trust doesn't care for me no more. it's been over a month since i seen them and they deserted me. all i have had is text messeges. letters avioding of questions. noting more.
there is no one from college, i have the number of two people at college, both of which came from my old school. neither know the extent of it all. miether of them notice when i'm about to burst into tears.
the only friend i have is in my phone and even then it is evil and will just lose me "friends"
why am i once again alone
every living creature dies alone
mayb it's my time to go. mayb i should take the place of someone who was unfairly shead. let me go.

(3 stars | shining star)

[20 Oct 2003|12:54am]
[ music | rob d - furious angels ]

furious angels

Like a sentence to death
I've got no options left
I've got nothing to show now
I'm down on the ground
I've got seconds to live
And you can't go now

Cause love, like an invisible bullet has shot me down and I'm bleeding - yeah, I'm bleeding
And if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me

You're a dirty needle
You're in my blood and there's no curing me
And I want to run
(like the blood from a wound)
To a place you can't see me

Cause love, like a blow to the head, has left me stunned and I'm reeling - yeah, I'm reeling
And if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me

You're a cold piece of steel between my ribs and there's no saving me
And I can't get up from this wet crimson bed that you made for me

Cause love, like a knife in the back, has cut me down and I'm bleeding - yeah, I'm bleeding
And if you go, angels will run to defend me - to defend me

Cause I can't get up
I'm as cold as a stove
I can feel the life fade from me
I'm down on the ground
I've got seconds to live
Then what's there that waits for me?

Cause love, like a sentence of death has left me stunned, and I'm reeling - yeah, I'm reeling
And if you go, furious angels will bring you back to me

(5 stars | shining star)

[15 Oct 2003|11:13pm]
i miss comfort, not just a teddy or favorite clothes.
human comfort, contact.
i miss being able to lie down and not worry about the next day/week/feeling.
i miss laying next to someone, anyone and just feeling right and safe.
i spoke to rach today on msn. first time we have spoke since last week sometime. she trusts me but still feels the need to tell me to be careful.
it was awkward between us. monosylbalic answers. simple questions. i have lost her.
i just need to feel like someone is there for me if i need them. especailly for monday.

shut up luize

(5 stars | shining star)

[11 Oct 2003|09:13pm]
ohh fun

pizotifen is one of a group of medicines called antiserotonin agents
depression, anxiety, aggression and sleep disorders are side effects.

is my doctor a fucking no brained moron. does he not read anything he is sent. or listen to anything i say anymore.

(shining star)

[09 Oct 2003|01:13pm]
police stress promises assessments abuse tears abandon judge work expectations broke thoughts

(13 stars | shining star)

[30 Sep 2003|10:40pm]
i've wrote too much shit i'm my LJ now it's time for here.

i've realised how fucking lonely i am. or rather alone.
i have no one. not one fucking person who would honestly say they trust me, or they want to help me, when i need it and not when it suits them
every person i want to be with there is no chance. ever. whats so fucking wrong with me that makes people want to go and find someone else.
it's ok for anyone else to go out with people but if i do i get shouted at. or questioned on every little detail.
college isn't any better, i found out reading is gettin hard. but only when i'm under stress. my eyes go wierd like before hallucinating. looks like my body has taken that step back.
i want to be able to call someone without being scared. be able to cry in front of someone. to get a hug from someone and for them to not mind my faults. just someone that close. there is no one. the person i thought i could call now i won't be able to talk to.
isn't there a way of dying that doesn't hurt the other people around you? and isn't accidental.

"you know i love you
you know i hate you
you know i need you
but i just can't take anymore"

music isn't doing me anygood. just listen to all the songs that make me worse, listen again. and again.
at least i'm not reading a depressive. well triggering book atm.

"all alone in your head
all alone inside"

(shining star)

[27 Sep 2003|06:25pm]
got past another level in theme hospital, and it gave me the fun game of kill all the mice! i only got about 30 compared to 120ish last time. oh well
i managed to fix it from when the sound broke as well. goooooooooo me.

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