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30th March 2003
my lame weekend
things are slightly better since the last time i wrote. my frusteration is toned down a little bit.... i really hope coming back and rooming with stef next year is the right thing for me to do. i feel like God gave me some peace about it when i was doing my devos on friday... and i know i can always leave... but i'm scared that if i transfer somewhere else that my life will be totally miserable... dumb stuff... gotta let Jesus do His thing. so my weekend was only half lame. friday after running i hung out with adam, anna and stef for a long time, showered super fast and ran across the street to see that hilarious comedian. then i chilled because when i asked my friends what they were doing they all looked at me blank faced and in unison said "uuh..." its not like i dont know that they drink... why would i suddenly be mad or start judging them now!?!!? whatever... so i was starving and ate microwave popcorn with the TV on by myself. then josh called and i talked to him just for a little bit. then i went to bed way early. got up early yesterday, went to brunch with the girls, read sociology, ran, showered, went to one world, watched 8 mile with kids down in dans room, hung out with tim for a little bit.... he is so sweet to me lately, i'm really glad we're friends... he said something jokingly to me and i called him a beast and he got all upset like i was serious or something and he started to hug me, but i bit his arm... he told me i bite too much and kissed my neck.... he was drunk. later i just talked with everybody after they pre-partied and were trying to do their hair and such... josh called and i talked to him, diane, rachel and scott... pretty much felt like a big goonie talking to these girls i've never met, but it was great to talk to scott!! so i felt bad keeping fez on the phone because i could hear those people and trey and kenny... and i knew josh was out there with them so i told him i could let him go and he said he didnt want me to, but when he was talking to them more than me, i told him i should really let him go -- his friends are there... and i'm sitting in my room by myself while all my friends are off drunk somewhere so i can pay total attention to the conversation... we talked for like 15 minutes, i watched trading spaces re-runs... my life is lame. i have unreal amounts of homework to do today, and i am so going to get it all done... i really am. i do nothing with myself so there's no reason for me to not get all my work done... i'm going to start now, take a break for brunch when the rest of my friends wake up. peace.
Current Music: the get up kids
26th March 2003
so a 7 line entry wasnt enough, i needed to vent
why dont people just tell me when they're mad... seriously... if i'm such a fricking jerk and f*ck up then why dont people fricking ream me out??? AHHHH i get so mad!!! how am i supposed to know how what i does affects people if nobody is telling me!?!?!?!! if my roommate hates me and doesnt want to live with me next year what good does it do not to say anything???? beth, if you're pissed at me about saturday, just say something unless its not worth it to you to even talk to me again. if kristin and so many other people have to lie to me and hide crap from me, why do they even call me a friend to my face??? if my parents hate me and dont want to talk to me and only yell at me and make me feel worthless when i'm home why dont they just tell me to move out or to keep out of their sight or whatever it is they want... i cant tap into everything that i should, maybe i'm just stupid but i'm really sick of everything... all i can do is pray, and i'm sure God is sick of me too the way things are looking today...
my legs, my legs!!!
well i feel like a total goon... :
-monica hates me
-beth hates me
-kristin among many others lie to me and hide things from me
-stef doesnt want to talk to me about whats wrong
-my parents still really hate me
other than that this day has been great
He must increase, I must decrease (John3:30)
i'm finally done with my stupid spanish homework. :
i hope beth isnt too mad at me, i called for our tuesday night phone date and she already was in bed. her mom didnt sound happy.
finally its wednesday -- the first week back is already half over!
i told adam how mad at him i was. i'm glad i did. but its just going to guilt him into talking to me. maybe a mistake.
my daffodils are dying :_(
its beautiful outside and the birds are singing. it will be nice for running again if i can find shoes that wont rip the skin off my feet.
hope today is good -- much love
Current Music: clarity, jimmyEW
24th March 2003
spring break and such
well, i'm back at BU and i'm trying to decide how that feels.... i had a really good break and i guess it is pretty decent to be back here, in a way... i dont know... i had a lot of fun at home, and i'm so excited about josh -- i am so happy!! eeeeeee!!!!! i cannot even believe it... it was so fun being with him!!! hahaha laying on our backs on a super cold.... thing.... in the sculpture gardens holding hands just laughing... the daffodils he gave me are in full bloom and sooooo beautiful!!!! yay!! =) my parents somewhat tainted my elation though, i dont know what i do so wrong that makes them so upset with me all the time.... i think they just resent me because i dont spend very much time at home with them... i dont know -- they know i spread myself really thin as far as a lot of things go, plus its not like i'm doing things they wouldnt approve of or something... raaa its so dumb... i have a lot of frusteration right now, so i'm gonna go lay it down... i have really tried to take control of my own life and relationships and i think thats why i'm having a rough time with things right now... i'm not relying on God to fulfill me and my relationships and what they need... instead i sit and analyze why my parents are mad at me, see people once during a week and probly hurt people's feelings by shutting them down and trying to schedule things so tight.... blah -- my timing sucks, i know that, but i'm not even trusting God.... i need to work on a LOT.... including homework
Current Music: coldplay
15th March 2003
so even after the choas and madness of this past week, especially last night -- my birthday was so fun! i feel so loved!! =) after a fun dinner, getting violently sick and a squeezy two and a half hour drive last night, today was nice.... just a sunny 6 hour drive through wisconsin and then dinner with my family!! yay!! and then my annie stopped by and surprised me and i was SO amazingly happy to see her!!!! oh my gosh i almost had a heart attack.... then i got to DrIvE and go meet amy's new boyfriend and i got messages from josh, beth, lindsi, diane, thomas and juice!! yay!!! plus my momma made vegetarian lasagna for dinner so i am one happy girl... and now its time to go sleep in my own bed and take a shower barefoot and do laundry for free!!
Current Music: "you are so good to me" --vertical
10th March 2003
its been a while
its been so busy lately!! school is kicking my butt right now -- this week is going to suck... the weekend was so fun though, me and stef jumped in frozing cold puddles with flip flops on hahaha.... then friday she had a scooter so we ate at one world and hung out for a while... then i went out with them... eew what was i thinking... i had fun for a while dancing with my friends but it was so crowded and smelly and beer getting spilled all over and smokey and some guy grabbed my butt... seriously... the scooter was checking on me to see if i was having fun!! so embarrassing... but then saturday night kristin, monica and stef kidnapped me and took me to chucky cheese for my birthday!! that was so fun, i was SO surprised.... then we came back and LB had a cake in her room for me... again, so surprised.... then we came back and were going to go outside to go chalking but then they gave me presents!! i was so surprised!!!! stef gave me that cute carebear that i was playing with at walmart, kristin gave me my favorite books from when i was growing up and dan and monica gave me a cd player!!!! what the heck!?!?!?! so so sooooo nice!!! but now i gotta get movin on all the stuff i have to get done...
Current Music: poe
6th March 2003
a lot more to come later, i'm just so relieved about my civ exam ::phew::
dang i just came back from my western civ class and i got a C... i really thought i failed... i mean, i was one point away from a D but i didnt study at all... i had 4 other tests that week and got A's on all them... so whatev... fasting yesterday was not at all what i needed it to be... i really needed to be purified and to let God fill me up... instead i thought about how much i wanted food and didnt do anything productive with myself like the whole purpose is intended to be... not only that everybody knew i was and i just dont feel right about that... oh well tomorrow is a new day and i'll make sure i do better with it....
Current Music: planes mistaken for stars
4th March 2003
i cant wait for 9:30!!!!!! woooo!!!!!!! i heart beth!!!!! :) :) :) :
and all you ever do, is change the old for new
people, we believe that God is bigger than,
the air i breathe, the world we'll leave...
God will save the day, and all will say:
Current Music: my glorious, chris tomlin/passion worship
eeeeee i just woke up from a 4 hour nap that required me to skip my art class... wupsies!! it was so needed though, i feel a lot better now... i'm still slaving over finding mp3's for this cd i'm making -- this is so much work... this is what i want to have on it: :
all is full of love - bjork
oh you are the roots.... - bright eyes
photobooth - death cab for cutie
snowbirds and townies - further seems forever
fly me back - brenda wieler*
sound of silence - simon and garfunkle*
red meets blue - matt wertz
echo - incubus
for the moments when i feel faint - relient k
blackbird - the beatles*
valerie flames - starlight mints
frukus - lenola*
i'm a bee - love as laughter
drunk on beauty - butterfly child*
how it goes, bleu, there was a river - for stars (i'm still deciding w/ these)
willow tree - g. love and special sauce
i'm also still deciding songs by the cure, the shins, poe, dashboard confessional, fin fang foom and barzin.... if you have any of the mp3's for the songs with *'s by them let me know!! that would be amazing!!!
Current Music: the shins
3rd March 2003
what is even going on
for real, i dont know what is up with me... i am feeling down and seriously blah... i keep thinking about annie and scott and hanna and how i dont know any of them at all any more. annie was my absolute amazingly bestest best friend sent from God to be my angel that i never ever thought would leave me... but our friendship wasnt as strong as we thought i guess.... i must be so irritating to her because i keep trying to get ahold of her on IM... and scott... whoa... he started dating jami, got engaged, bought a ring and then they ended it, all in a matter of weeks... he got a new job, new truck and is moving out of his apartment in may... i seriously miss him like crazy and i'm sure i never even cross his mind... i want to call him so badly but i think its just to a point of weirdness where i've just waited too long.... and then there is hanna... i feel like i have been such a miserabley bad friend to her in the past and i know i cant change that but i wish i could let her know how much i care about her and how much she really does mean to me.... but i dont know how or what to do.... :
i am sick up to HERE with all the coupledom happening around me!! it is making me want to barf all over... honestly........ agk i cant take it
school and studying can bite me, i have a headache, i'm not going to do my work.... what happened to me?? i didnt go running today or yesterday and now i'm not getting my work done... honestly
what would i do without my stimpe though?? she is amazing... i love her so much -- i'm incredibley appreciative of her friendship. she is so real and fun and crazy and funny and and i love doing stuff with her and just hanging out not doing anything... i hope we keep getting to be better friends. she rocks so hard!!!!!!!!!!
i miss josh. a lot... i dont know how to talk about this topic.
well i heart adam and tim (who has the same bday as me!! GO 3-15!! woo!!!) and i love it when me and stimp hang out with them... i feel like they're my only real friends here... but we barely hang out... hopefully that can change soon...
worship tonight was awesome... i cried my insides out which was totally necessary but i didnt even really get enough out... i feel like i could cry for days before i would be cleansed of everything wrong... but it hit me that i need to be patient with myself as i struggle with my own humanity... Jesus is bigger and greater than everything i am and i need to stop trusting in the familiarity of my own boundaries and learn to trust in the fact that He has none...
Its all about You, Jesus
All this is for You, for Your glory and Your fame
Its not about me, as if You should do things my way
You alone are God and i surrender
Current Music: come away with me, norah jones
i'm feeling a little rejected... i keep trying to IM annie and she never respons to me... i think i should just quit and leave her along, i dont want to be annoying... i really miss her though and i feel this emptiness in almost all the other friendships i have compared to hers... i am trying to make a cd for my josh and i dont want my mood to affect my choices... if you have any suggestions let me know! mwah!! :
(phone date with beth tomorrow!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Current Music: butterfly child
2nd March 2003
all i have to say to you is vera wang
i'm writing again instead of doing my homework... this weekend was so fun... thursday was dan's birthday and his parents took me, monica, stimpe and him out for dinner... it was more fun getting ready to go than actually being there i think... the three of us girls were getting dressed and tossing clothes around and quick doing our hair... my room was a total disaster, it finally felt like home here... dinner was hilarious though with dan's parents slim and gloria hahaha... good times... we brought some amazing cake home and after dropping some in the parking deck and having a near pee in your pants moment for both me and stimp, we ate it outside on the heater. unreal delicious... i tell ya.... i stayed up til 4 talking to josh instead of doing my homework, which is always more than welcome and definitley nice :) but i had to get up and go to class, clean my room and get my laundry organized for the night going to rockford. stimp and i had a blast rockin out in the car and then we went to see how to lose a guy in 10 days, which was a splurge for me with only 27 dollars to my name but it was fun. after that we watched stepmom and we both cried our eyes out, again... we keep doing that!!! this was the third cry movie in one week!! we went to bed around 3:30 or 4 and got up at 8:30 to make sure we could get bree to leave by noon so stef could get back to school to meet tim's family... she and janet both ended up staying another night and me and stimp got to drive her convertible back, just the two of us!! what a rockin good time, no lie it was so sweet drivin in that car thumpin st. lunatics hahaha... we came back and went to wendy's with tim and adam and their sibs -- i had so much fun with them!!! adam's sister is unreal adorable -- what a sweetie!! tims sister is the prettiest thing ever and his brother is exactly like him but taller... we had fun packing us all into the car and drooling frosties all over our faces... before we left tim hugged me from behind and i dont know why but it seriously made me feel so special -- maybe attention like that from him was just an unexpected gesture and thats why i appreciated it so much, but i just have never felt so special just from one little hug like that before. i seriously wish stef, tim, adam and i would all hang out more. i love hanging out with them, its just so much fun!!! anyways after we got back and i went to this worship thing with laura out in the boonies of farmland illinois... i didnt get to see adams sister again before she left and i feel really bad about that... she was so nice!! but yeah after we took an excessively long trip to walmart i came back and got to talk to josh til 5 this morning which made me oversleep and miss church :( but i aLwAYs love talking to him so its alright... today was just the usual boring sunday... cvs with kristin, one world with monica and dan, watched trading spaces from last night, played with this instead of starting my homework... but i really better go do that now -- i got a lot ahead of me to do tonight!!
yay i just started this journal!! how fun!! i'm so excited i hope it all works good... yay beth for showing me this site -- woo!!
Current Music: death cab