Josh's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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When you say my name, i wanna stop it in your lungs and collect all of your blood [06 Feb 2004|11:20am]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Thursday - Signals Over the Air ]

*arms fall off* good god i fucking hate snow and ice. i just got in from digging my car out..ugh!!! my arms hurt...bad. i need to ask...why does my computer always wanna be gay when im home all by myself. see, my step-dad puts these programs on my computer to "help" it. well all they ever seem to do is fuck it up. the damn thing worked fine last night. but now when i turn it on..its all stupid and locks up at the "log on" screen. GRRRRR!!!

yesterday was an amusing day. well the afternoon was anyway. heres what happened on the way to take aaron to work...
"on the way to work me n josh got behind a bus. we were just talkin and listening to music when we realized all the kids on the back of the bus were starin at us! so we decided to make a scene. i was like licking joshs face romanticly haha, then i put my head on his lap like i was givin him head...omg the kids like kept starin like we were circus freaks or something! we made quite a scene! then i was flickin em off....the poor kids. they never had a chance. lol. then we they trned and we were done makin our scene, the one kid flashed a loser sign."
thats from aarons journal. are dumb. lol. then while i was at work something else amusing happened. i went on break with Sara and April (the pregnant front end manager) was back there meakn something. so she leans back on this one table to take some pressure off her ribs and the manager, Marty, i guess was walkn by and saw this and he bursts in the door and goes "oh my god...april are you having the baby now? are you ok??!!" the 3 of us bust up laughing. he was just like "man, i walked by and just saw you...i didn't see the 2 of them. i was about to go call 911" lol, it was amusing.

alright...well im out. Aaron, call me now if you can.

*love you Aaron

You would rather bleed than be without her

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you,You are my only one [06 Feb 2004|09:06am]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Yellowcard - Only One ]

no school today. of course. today im actually glad theres no school. senioritis has hit me bad. im just tiredof going to school. aaron and my friends are the only thing that keep me goin. im up early becuase my aunt called me at 830 and i couldn't get back to sleep. i have work tonight....out on the porch. im gonna get soaking wet. pisses me off. yesterday i submitted two stories to Charisma. i hope they pick them to put in. 'cos they are super kick ass. plus i understand they only got maybe 30 submissions. i was gonna see if i could go to aarons til i hafta work, but then she probably wouldn't let me hang out on sunday morning. 'cos she'll sa something dumb like "you haven't been home all weekend" blah blah blah. lol. well im out. im gonna go eat me some Pop Tarts.

*Love you Aaron

oh...Aaron call me around 1230. 'cos im sure you'll read this. love you

"And I swear
If I could take this knife out of my back,
I would, I would
But between the loss of blood
And the loss of my trust in you,
I don't think it'd do any good"

Isn't that awesome?????

1 Blood Drop| You would rather bleed than be without her

Number 2, being fucked up is not a good reason to piss in the fishtank [03 Feb 2004|08:57am]
[ mood | just woke up ]
[ music | Atmosphere - SuicideGirls ]

*yawns* good morning all. josh is awake a 9 o'clock on a day off of school. don't ask me why, cos i have no fucking clue. its really shitty outside. i wanted to go to Aarons today...but i doubt my mom will let me. 'cos its like freezing rain and shit. its ok...she'll get online and i can talk to her like all day =) of course i miss seeing her, but as long as i can talk to her. ohhh, V-Day is just around the corner. can't wait. if there is a "visitor" that day tho...oh josh n aaron shall both be upset. 'cos we have this whole plan to get her grandparents outta the house for about 2 hours. we're settn up resvervations at Sunnyside for them and giving them money to go eat. so nice...yet so bad. lol. saturday i think me n abe are goin to Circut City so he can look at stereo stuff. then saturday night into sunday morning is the mini-thon for Travis. i think ima stay at Aarons after the mini-thon for a little. take a nap...then go home at like 12 and eat and get ready for work. lol. work...after i just stayed up allllllll night. ah well. its all good. alright, well ima go. until later days you little sllllluts! =D

*love you Aaron

You would rather bleed than be without her

buy this cd for me and i will love you forever =p [02 Feb 2004|01:10pm]

im sue me. lol

*love you Aaron
2 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

in claaaaaaassssssssss [02 Feb 2004|12:34pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | 40 Below Summer - Self Medicate ]

hello all. sittn here in good ol computer design. im done with my im updating. it was a good weekend. worked friday night. then saturday night i worked and after i got off work i went to my dads. me made some pizzas and we watched Pulp Fiction. first time i ever saw it. my new favorite movie. "ah man, i shot Marvin in the face" lol. went to bed around 1 cos i had to get up for work at 11. work wasn't bad. i like day time hours. so after i got off work i went to Aarons. lol...did a little bit of everything. lol. joked around, watched Thirteen Ghosts, sex...yano the whole package. lol. the fooooot massage *big gasp*. heh. oh man, we were makn out and her grandfather came upstairs and we didn't hear him until he shut the bathroom door. lol...amusing stuff. she threatened me with the water. i was tickling her leg...dude, she freaks out. massive laughter. it was funny. so she grabbed her water bottle and poured some on my i went to tickle her again and she poured it on my shirt. haha. omg...the perv bear, it was riiiight there!!!! ohhh, she gave me a massage...felt great. i accidentally kicked her tho =( i was layn on my stomach and she was sittn on my butt facing my feet and she kept tickling i threw my foot up and it hit her like right below her throat. i felt soooooooooo bad. i hurt muh baby. she was ok after a minute tho...i still felt bad. i made up for it tho. lol. yea, yea...and she won. i went 7 minutes.....7 minutes!!! we didn't do hers theres still a chance i could win. then i left around 750 =(
well my friends. im outta here. later

* Love you Aaron

2 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

Todays on fire, the sky is bleeding above me and I am blistered [30 Jan 2004|11:56pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Finch - What it is to Burn ]

i am here....yes, that i am. lol. bored, so i fugred why not do a little update. nothing too new really. ohhhhhhh, tomorrows 3 months for me n Aaron. and we're still goin strong. no fights. a time here n there where we've gotten a little upset at one another...but nothing to a super extreme which is great. today was decent day. ugh, bad morning tho. got to sleep in all week, today was back to 6 o'clock mornings, ugh. went to school as usual..then me n Aaron hung out at her house cos i didn't hafta be at work til 530. she called into the College and told them she'd be late. yano, usualy stuff when no ones home. hehe, love the afterwards cuddle. gives you security. actually he got home as we were leaving. work was pretty boring. bleh...really slow. muh best friend was workn tho. lol. me n Sara call eahc other best friends in there...cos, at work she prolly is. lol. i don't really talk to many of the people in there anymore. they've started to annoy me. the store is starting to annoy me. just various new rules...and all this other shit. basically anymore if you fuck up...they write you up. GAY! so i got off work at 10, came home, and got on the ol computer. lol. my life. aight homies. ima, someone hit me. NOW!

*love you Aaron

1 Blood Drop| You would rather bleed than be without her

Survey [27 Jan 2004|09:22pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Senses Fail - The Ground Folds ]

i n f o r m a t i o n
1. name: Josh
2. single or taken: Taken
3. sex: oh you know ;)
4. birthday: July 24th
5. sign: Leo
6. siblings: no
7. hair color: redish brown
8. eye color: Blue
9. shoe size: 12
10. height: 5'11"
11. favorite foods: pizza, n noodles, MAC N
12. hometown: fucking newvile...i hate sayn that

r e l a t i o n s h i p s
1. who are your best friends?: Aaron, Abe, Kyle, Megan, Rani, Amber, Kasey
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: yes i do
3. did you send this to your crush?: don't have a crush
4. did your crush send this to you?: i stole it from Megans NO
5. longest relationship?: 4 months and 21 Days
6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: 2...involved in the 3rd and best right now
7. how many people have you kissed?: i dunno....a lot?
8. are you shy around your crush?: around Aaron?...yea right. lol
9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: no
10. still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with?: hell fuckn no. im over all that shit. i wasted summer in hopes that when school i have no feelings...NONE
11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: hehe, yea
12. would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends?: hell yea

f a s h i o n | s t u f f
1. where is your favorite place to shop: Hot Topic...w00tness
2. have any tattoos or piercings?: no
3. what is your favorite thing to wear?: i dunno
4. what is a must have accessory?: bracelets and balls around my neck
5. how much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?: um...i spent $60 on a pair of pants and $75 on my shoes
7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: don't know...don't care
8. who is the least fashionable person you know?: ^^
9. do you match your belt with your hair color?: belt?????? i don't wear one
10. what is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good?: i have no clue
11. what are you wearing right now?: Bulldog football shirt, and my Calvin Kline PJ pants
13.what is the worst trend you see today?: w/e the preps where. yea thats right...stupid bitches
s p e c i f i c s
1. do you do drugs? *waves hand back n forth* ehhh....
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: w/e is in the tub
3. what are you most scared of?: heights..bleh, and right now would be losing Aaron
4. what are you listening to right now?: Yellowcard
5. who is the last person that called you?: Aaron
6. where do you want to get married?: dunno...but its gonna be a freaky one
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 17 right now
8. what would you change about yourself?: i jude myself to much...and i need to stop
9. what are essentials in your life?: Aaron, Friends, Music
10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be? i wanna teleport. hell yea
11. what nationality are you?: my background is Irish
12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: i think my mom did this year. lol....tard
h a v e | y o u | e v e r
1. given someone a bath? no
3. bungee jumped?: No
4. made yourself throw up?: to act like im sick...yes
5. skinny dipped?: no
6. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?:prolly when i was FIVE
7. cried when someone died?: 'cos A) i was young and B) i didn't know her very well
8. fallen for your best friend?: in a way...yes
9. been rejected?: yea
10. rejected someone?: haha...YEA, me and abe both did. lol
11. used someone?: *hangs head in shame* i was a dick. it wasn't during a relationship...but Abe and like all of Crossroads knows. and thats enough

c u r r e n t
1. hair: umm..messed up
2. music: Dead Poetic - Burgundy
3. make-up: none
4. annoyance: people making noise downstairs
5. scent: coffee...god i love that smell
6. favorite artist: dunno
7. favorite group: a TON
8. desktop picture: Aarons innocent pic. lol
9. book you're reading: Stop Teaching Our Kids to Kill...intresting read
10. cd(s) in player: Emo Mix (i made), Emo Mix (Rani made me), Wish You Were Queer: A Tribute to Ministry
11. dvd in player: Cabin Fever (lol, it has been since the day after it came out)
12. color of nails:

4 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

GDMF snow [27 Jan 2004|10:51am]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | Eminem - Kim ]

hello everyone....this blows. 2 days of no school. well here goes all our time off in the spring when its nice and you can actually go places. i want to go to Aarons today, but i called my mom and she isn't allowing me too. i don't feel like sitting at home. rAwr. i never thought i'd actually wanna be in school right now. i miss muh baby tho. im startn to go crazy, man. lol. im sure we'll have school tomorrow...but if we don't, I'M NOT...I REPEAT NOT STAYING AT HOME!!! theres nothing to fucking do. i hafta clean my room. wow takes 15 minutes to do that. well hopefully Aaron gets awake here soon and she'll call me. well everyone have a wonderfully shitty day.

*love you aaron

1 Blood Drop| You would rather bleed than be without her

new story [26 Jan 2004|08:56pm]
[ mood | lazy ]
[ music | Yellowcard - Empty Apartment ]

Nothing seems to ever change with you. I try and try, but all you do is ruin. Ruin everything I have ever loved. Including you. I don’t know what actions I have taken to make it right, but it wasn’t the right ones. All I did was make it all worse. There’s no way to make it work is there? Why can’t we try? All I want and need lies within your shattered heart. The very same heart I had control of. I held your fate in my hands, grasping onto it as hard as I could, trying to never let go. I must’ve squeezed too hard, because I broke that fragile heart. Now I feel so alone. Love is not for me, nor was it ever. You were the first girl I ever truly cared about. Of course though, I had to go and fuck it up. Figures. That’s how my life seems to go. Why the fuck should I be happy? Huh? I shouldn’t be. Maybe if I died. Could that cure this disease I have? Love isn’t a cure for pain it’s the virus that causes it. If I had never loved…I wouldn’t be feeling like this tonight. My eyes wouldn’t be blood shot and filled up with a constant stream of tears. One more kiss is all I ask for. It’s my last wish, but you can’t…you won’t grant that for me. So instead I lay here and dream of how my life could’ve been without you. It was the best four years of my life, but these have been the worst four minutes I will ever experience.


2 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

SUFFOCATE, you're nothing to no one. SUFFOCATE, and thats how you die [26 Jan 2004|10:53am]
[ mood | giggly ]
[ music | Motograter - Suffocate ]

good morning all. actually its a shitty morning. god damn snow all over the place. no school today either. semi-w00tness. it sucks cos i don't get to see Aaron today =(

yesterday was a fun day. got to Aarons around 1015, just as her parents were leaving. her grandpa had to taker her grandma to work. so we had about 45 minutes alone. *coughs and looks around the room*. heh, cut it close tho. cos i went downstairs and he just came in the door. lol. i had to run out to my car and get the hair dye. hehe, we dyed muh hair again. looks better now. i like it a lot. finished that and went to the movies. Butterfly Effect was awesome. it was a great first movie together. we left there and went back to her house. i called my mom to see if she cared that i stayed for awhile....she didn't. so aaron made me some Mac n Cheese. mmm, it was yummy. lol. then her grandma called cos she got off work early, so her grandpa had to go pick her up. heh, bout n hour this time. *looks around the room and puts on halo* then we just kinda hung out for awhile. ohhh...i can go 5 minutes without kissing...Aaron can go 6. bleh. we teases each other so much tho. hard to resist. i have become awesome at teasing by the way. =P did some other stuff after that...heeeeee ;) then i had to leave around 645. sadness. came on here for a little, and went to bed.

*love you Aaron

You would rather bleed than be without her

rAwr [25 Jan 2004|03:56pm]
[ mood | horny ]
[ music | Aaron playn w/the cat ]

yo yo yo....homies. lol, yea or not. im at Aarons. yes, i am. we went to see Butterfly Effect...super kick ass. i loved it. very sad movie...very sad ending. bunch of douce bags in the theater. nothing will EVER compare to that woman at Texas Chainsaw Massacre. remember Kyle..."oh god, no don't go in there. no no no, run." or "oh my god hes still alive....ohhhhhh god". lol. Aarons making Mac n Cheese...mmmmm, i luff it. lol. ok well im out.

*love you Aaron

2 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

ohhh, new story [24 Jan 2004|11:45am]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Skinny Puppy - Addicted ]

yes yes...another new one. lol. i find myself writing a lot. leave me comments muh peeps. lol

*love you Aaron

Will my world ever stop spinning in a downward spiral? Nothing has been the same since you left. I can’t seem to find the words to try and explain my feelings…but why? I love you, but words can’t be put to it. Sometimes I cut myself to see how much it bleeds, to see if you can tell I’m in distress. Then maybe you’ll come and save me. Save me from myself. I throw all your shit onto the front lawn. Maybe you’ll see it when you drive by and come back to me. All my hopes and dreams are fucked without you. I wanted you to stay with me always…but you didn’t. I still don’t fully understand why you had to leave. You told me you saw no future for us. How? Why? I speed this car through the pouring rain. Maybe I’ll crash and die. I stop in the middle of the road and get out if the car. I stare at the house you now live in and cry. Cry these unwilling tears if sorrow. I guess there’s no room for me in your life. Well FUCK YOU, because there’s no room for you either. I’ll be fine…I’ll be fine.


2 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

Way away away from here i'll see what it means to be alone and not anything [24 Jan 2004|09:40am]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Yellowcard - Way Away ]

its been a full week since i did an actual update. hmm, nothing really new and exciting. we changed classes...always fun *looks to the side* the only class i really like is Comp. Design 1. and thats 'cos it deals with Graphic Design which is my major at Bradley. yesterday we had the assembly for Travis. it was sad. you never think something like that could happen to one of your friends. wow....

i'd like to say...SNOW SUCKS!!!! i swear if this shit doesn't clear up by tomorrow, josh is gonna be pissed. 'cos that would be yet another ruined josh n aaron day. gay snow!!! *makes mean face and sticks out tounge* ugh, and i have a fucking cold.

oh man....i am so emo. its funny. i used to be all hardcore im all hardcore emo *arms crossing mothion* lol.

*love you Aaron

1 Blood Drop| You would rather bleed than be without her

And I will need you [22 Jan 2004|10:39am]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Dead Poetic - Green Desire ]

01. Full Birth Name: Joshua Robert Riley (but when i was born, my last name was Zinn)
02. Hair Color: Brown
03. Eye Color: blue
04. Height Currently: 5'11"
05. Glasses/contacts: contacts
06. Birthdate: July 24th
07. Sign: Leo
09. Siblings: none
10. Siblings Age: ^^
11. Location: Newville, PA (GAY)
12. College Plans: Bradley Academy in October

01. Best Friends: Aaron, Abe, Kyle, Megan, Jenn, Amber, Kasey, Rani
02. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: gf...Aaron =)
03. Current Crush: no...i have a gf
04. Hobbies: being with Aaron, Skateboard, video games, music, movies
06. Are You Center Of Attention Or Wallflower: dunno
07. What Type Automobile Do You Drive: KIA
08. Are You Timely Or Always Late: sometimes early...sometimes late. rarely right on the dot
09. Do You Have A Job: Yes.
10. Do You Like Being Around People: Sometimes.

01. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: ...yea
02. Have You Ever Cried Over Something Someone of The Opposite Sex Did: Grrrrr...yes. a lot i can't ever forgive her for
03. Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: i guess
04. Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: ummm
05. Ever Liked a close Guy/Girl Friend: yea
06. Are You Lonely Right Now: no
07. Ever Afraid You'll Never Get Married: no
08. Do You Want To Get Married: yea.
09. Do You Want Kids: maybe 1

01. Room In house: Mine.
02. Type of music: Screamo (so i saw it called), Emo, Rock, Metal
03. Song: a lot
04. Memory: too many
05. Day Of The Week: weekends
06. Colour: Red, black
07. Perfume Or Cologne: i wear Tommy
08. Flower: dunno
09. Month: june, july, august
10. Season: summer
11. Place to be kissed: i guess lips
12. Location for dates: hmm...not sure of an exact place

01. Cried: no
02. Bought Something: yes.
03. Gotten Sick: i think i have a cold...DAMMIT
04. Sang: Yes.
05. Said I Love You: yea
06. Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them, But Didn't: yea
07. Met Someone New: not really
08. Moved On: ......
09. Talked To Someone: Yes.
10. Had A Serious Talk: Yes.
11. Missed Someone: very much
12. Hugged Someone: yea.
13. Kissed Someone: yea.
14. Fought With Your Parents: of course....always do
15. Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: ........
16. Had a lot of sleep: No.
17. Wanted This Survey To Be Over: this is a long un...oh well

* ? future
[do you want to get married] Yes.
[if so, what age would you like to be married] 24ish...23ish
[who will you marry] guess???? i bet you can't. if things keep goin the way they are now, hopefully Aaron someday
[what do you want to do when you grow up] Graphic Designer
[where will you live] anywhere but here, ugh
[do you want to have kids] maybe 1
[what would you name them] Aaron like Riley...but uhm, thats not gonna work. lol
[coke/pepsi] pepsi.
[pen/pencil] Pencil.
[vanilla/chocolate] choc
[hug/kiss] hun n kisses...i looove both
[lights on/off] Off.
[dark/light] Dark.
[rose/lily] Rose.
[dr pepper/mountain dew] mt. dew

* ? favorites
[color] Black, red
[food] pizza
[song] Matchbook Romance....i forget the title...but its number 1 (number 2 on the actual cd)
[band] Dead Poetic, Atreyu, Static Lullaby, Matchbook Romance, Yellowcard, Senses Fail, Linkin Park...and many more
[solo singer/rapper] Eminem.
[movie] Cabin Fever, Underworld, Matrix, Seven, Snatch
[tv show] Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Simpsons, Family Guy
[beverage] iced tea
[subject] umm...this class. Comp. Design
[teacher] dunno
[store in the mall] Hot Topic.
[radio station] 105.7
[book] None.
[holiday] i would love Christmas so much more if it was in the Summer. then i guess my birthday
[sport] football i guess
[fast food] Wendys
[color to wear] black
[number] 81
[actress] dunno
[actor] dunno.
[place to eat] anyplace w/good food
[ice cream flavor] Choc. Chip Cookie Dough

* ? questions
- have you ever ..
[cheated on a test] haha...yea
[dyed your own hair] doin it again Sunday...hopefully. we hafta do it this time Aaron. lol
[if so, how many times] once.
[skinny dipped] No.
[stayed home on a saturday] yea...grr
[got in trouble with the police] no
[broken a bone] no.
[cheated on a bf/gf] No.
[fell asleep in class] Yes.
[been in the hospital] Yes.
[flashed someone] all the time
[gotten lost on a vacation] n abe did sorta. we couldn't find the club the first night we went
[do you have a car] Yes.
[if so, what kind of car do you have] Sehpia...its not bad
[what kind of car do you want] HUMMER...god i would cream. an Eclipse would work too
[do you think you will ever get your dream car] if i do well at Bradley....yes. cos i can make a shit load of money when i get out of there
[do you smoke] occasionally...i started kinda heavily again tho =(
[do you consider yourself attractive] not really... =/
[do you consider yourself a nice girl/boy] im naughty...heh heh
[do you have a cd burner] yea
[what did you do yesterday] wellllll.... *big grin and wink* and went to work.
[what did you do today] school
[what are you doing tomorrow] school and work
[what are you doing this weekend] working, Mers party saturday night, and me n Aaron are hangn out on Sunday. goin to see The Butterfly Effect
[what did you do last weekend] worked

* ? the last
[thing you ate] pop tarts
[thing you drank] mt. dew
[song you heard] Dead Poetic - Burgundy
[show you watched] w/e was on MTV at 1045 last night
[thing you said] "i love you" to aaron...cos theres not really anyone in this class. so i haven't talked in like 30 min.
[person you saw] everyone sitting here
[person who called you] Aaron
[person you called] Aaron
[person you hugged] Aaron
[person you kissed] Aaron
[last car you rode in] Mine.

done...grrr, that was reall ehpn long.

*love you Aaron

3 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

2 new ones...i like em. do you? [20 Jan 2004|06:27pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | None ]

2 new ones i wrote today....COMMENTS. anything. tell me if they are good...bad, whatever.

Time passes by as I’m left with nothing but sadness. Not towards you, but towards this pathetic life I live…the life without you. I thought I’d be better off, but I’m not. I can’t take the pain of loving you, but I can’t bare the fact that you’re not here. What does it take? How can I show you that you’re better off without me? Now I won’t be ruining your life as I ruin mine. While I want you here, you’re better off now. There’s no one to drag you down and no one to make you feel bad. I’m sorry for everything I said that made you cry. I’m sorry for loving you and I’m sorry I ruined your life.



The pain I feel now is so unbearable. Answer my one question. Why? The only question this pathetic life asks me. I’m a nobody that wants to be a somebody. The love I have for you is replaced with hurt and pain. It feels like 1,000 needles have been pushed into my eyes and my heart burnt from my chest. I love you, but there is no relief for this pain…no medicine, no cure. So again I ask you….why? Why now? Why me? I have never felt so weak.


7 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

hm [19 Jan 2004|05:09pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | None ]

OK, so i just wrote this. i dunno if i like it or not. Leave me comments please. I need feed back on these.
My head arises from the pillow as I’m jolted awake from such a horrible nightmare, a nightmare in which you’re not there, and I’m sad and lonely. As I scan the room with my barely open eyes I can see it wasn’t a nightmare, it was reality. I no longer wake up to you beside me or see you standing by the window, staring out at the lake. All I see is a shadow of memories. How could I have been so foolish? So selfish? So arrogant? It led to this feeling of regret and pity. I pity myself for what I’ve become. I forgive you for not returning into my arms, so now you can return. I realize I was stupid. I made some mistakes, but we all do. Why can’t you seem to forget or forgive? I let it go; now it’s up to you. I want you back, I need you back. I’m nothing and I’ll be nothing without you. I fall back into bed and stare at the ceiling. I close my eyes and pray that when they open, you’re there beside me in bed. I hesitate opening them because I know nothing good will come of it. So instead I rest my head on the pillows. Tears run out of my darkened eyes and down my cheeks. I can’t help but feel this way; I can’t help but shed these tears. I might not be worth it to you, but you’re worth it to me. Do you cry at night like me? I hope you do. I hope you know how I feel. You don’t though. Otherwise you’d be mine again…and I wouldn’t be hurting so much.


3 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

too early...bleh [17 Jan 2004|08:56am]
[ mood | happy/sleepy ]
[ music | Kittie - Run Like Hell ]

wow...last night

we had a 2 hr delay thursday and friday ruining Josh n Aaron time 'cos we had school all day. Thursday after 1st period me, Dan, and Staci went back to Dans and hung out for awhile. then at 2:51 i went back and picked up Aaron from school. i took her home then came home.

Yesterday i had my Spanish Final...ugh. i don't think i did so well on it. after school i took Dan and Staci down to Saylors and me n Aaron went to the bank then back to her house. just listened to music and hung out for awhile. then we was sneaky ;) he was so unaware...just sittn down in the living room watchn his tv. lol. after that Aaron made us some Mac and cheese and we actually watched most of Freddy vs Jason. then we tried to watch Underworld...but uh, didn't really make it through that *think back to church parking* he left around 930 to go pick up her granmother, and we were perfect little angels. *tries to find halo to put on* lol, yea right. us good? no way ;) they got back around 1030 as i was leaving...leaving *is sad* i didn't wanna leave. i love you so much Aaron. last night, well everytime we're together is perfect. i will always be by your side. through thick and thin, no matter what. i would do anything for you.

*love you Aaron

2 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

Another new, could be everyone fav. [15 Jan 2004|04:27pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Story of the Year - Anthem of our Dieing Day ]

All I needed was you in my life, but you had to go and fuck that up. Now theres nothing left for me to do, but sit and wait for you. I sit in hopes that you can see that I still love you and you're all I need. FUCK IT! I know you can't! I've seen you with him. I've seen the way you two look at each other. It makes me fucking sick. Nothing left to do but rid him from our lives. Can't you see that? Than we can be happy like I always wanted. How could he not see me coming that night? Fuckn moron. The baseball bat to his head took care of our little interference. Don't worry, I hid the body one will ever find him. Yet you still ignore me. He's gone now...why the fuck can't you love me? It's time you feel my pain. I push the pins deeper into your skin and cut the wounds deeper with this knife. I look into your blank stare as you're tied to this cahir in my basement. "I love you" I say...but there is no response.


You would rather bleed than be without her

Something new... [13 Jan 2004|06:59pm]
[ mood | amused ]
[ music | Nothing ]

Days pass for I still sit alone in my room with nothing but a razorblade. I carve your name deeper into my arm, in hopes you’ll return. Without you I have nothing, I’ll be nothing, I am nothing. The blood runs from the old and fresh wounds as I cut them deeper, deeper so I’ll never forget. It drips onto the floor and stains the carpet. Nothing I really care too much about. All I saw was visions of you for the past weeks. Now all I see is my hands around your throat, choking the life from your body. I didn’t mean for you to die there. I meant for you to merely feel my pain, so I squeezed tighter, so you would know all the hurt you put me through. I scream at the top of my lungs “how could you say you love me, then go and break it off!? That’s it….you never fucking loved me!!” Soon you died and I was left with nothing, nowhere to go except back into my room and wallow in my own self pity, to keep to myself for a lifetime. My lifetime wasn’t lasting much longer. I could feel myself getting dizzy. The cuts in my arms have bled enough and I have lived my horrid life long enough. As the last drop of blood hits the floor my life fades. For I have become nothing.


2 Blood Drops| You would rather bleed than be without her

It's not what you have said, it's what you have done [11 Jan 2004|07:46pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Story of the Year - Page Avenue ]

today...was a great day. i left my house aroun 945 and went over to Aarons. he grandfather came home like 2 seconds before i got there. i was like "well fuck" at first...but it all worked out. heh, sneaky ;) we left there around 11 to go down and see her mom. it took about 45 minutes to get there. just kinda hung out there, ate pizza, and talked. i like her parents. their pretty cool. we left there about 2 and headed to Wal*Mart to get hair dye. i got hot red. lol. went back to Aarons to dye it...but it didn't work very well. its faded in my yea. i dunno. we'll try it again sometime soon. im too impatient to just sit there tho. after we did all that we went upstairs and hung out for awhile. then it was sneaky...AGAIN ;)!!!!!!!!!!! fun stuff man. with both people home this time. more riskAy. lol. after that....yea, both kinda tired so we just laid around and watched Cruel Intentions. i had to leave at 645. sadness. i love you baby.

tomorrow is school again. ugh, school blows donkey balls. oh well after this week only 17 weeks. w0000

*love you Aaron

1 Blood Drop| You would rather bleed than be without her

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