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Friday, November 9th, 2007
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10:32 am
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We start by stripping them. I rip Ballet Barbie’s tutu as I pull it off. When they’re naked still pouting inanely, we cut off their hair, until a tumbleweed of flaxen lies on the dressing table.
‘They’re so stupid.’ Paisley says, drawing zigzags on her Barbie scalp with eyeliner.
‘Let’s burn them.’ I say.
We go outside, round the back of Paisley's house, into her garden. The security light flicks on, flooding the garden with a brilliant white light. There’s a concrete barbeque at the bottom, past the fishpond and the crazy paving. We huddle around it.
'Shall we dismember them first?'
'No' I say, decisive. 'They deserve to be burned alive.'
We lay them on their hair, side by side, arms reaching stiffly upwards. I set fire to the bed of hair with a lighter, and flames leap up with a whoosh.
The dolls curl and melt, their plastic shells shrivelling into their hollow bodies. They give off an acrid chemical smoke that makes us cough. When the fire dies down, it leaves a hissing mass of molten goo that sticks to the barbeque as it cools.
'Wow' Paisley says, poking it with a stick. 'That was radical.'
There are faint traces left in the blackening ooze: fingertips, toes, even a nose and a mouth, a single blue eye. I shiver, not because I'm cold, but because I can feel my skin tightening, like cling wrap pulling taut, around the soft contours of my body.
We start by stripping them. I rip Ballet Barbie’s tutu as I pull it off. When they’re naked still pouting inanely, we cut off their hair, until a tumbleweed of flaxen lies on the dressing table.
‘They’re so stupid.’ Paisley says, drawing zigzags on her Barbie scalp with eyeliner.
‘Let’s burn them.’ I say.
We go outside, round the back of Paisley's house, into her garden. The security light flicks on, flooding the garden with a brilliant white light. There’s a concrete barbeque at the bottom, past the fishpond and the crazy paving. We huddle around it.
'Shall we dismember them first?'
'No' I say, decisive. 'They deserve to be burned alive.'
We lay them on their hair, side by side, arms reaching stiffly upwards. I set fire to the bed of hair with a lighter, and flames leap up with a whoosh.
The dolls curl and melt, their plastic shells shrivelling into their hollow bodies. They give off an acrid chemical smoke that makes us cough. When the fire dies down, it leaves a hissing mass of molten goo that sticks to the barbeque as it cools.
'Wow' Paisley says, poking it with a stick. 'That was radical.'
There are faint traces left in the blackening ooze: fingertips, toes, even a nose and a mouth, a single blue eye. I shiver, not because I'm cold, but because I can feel my skin tightening, like cling wrap pulling taut, around the soft contours of my body.
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(comment on this)
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10:15 am - . . . Just a Thought . . .
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Some days, like today, everything can seem like its at the point of no return and then totally out of the blue somebody or something can remind you that there is hope in this dark and dreary world.
The loving and caring qualities of certain people never cease to amaze me. Although I'm the quiet type who is very reserved around all but a few people, I hope that the kindness I was presented with today is a reflection of my personality. That she can see I am actually a nice person who doesn't want to be on anybodies bad side. I may do drugs, drink and go out late, but I truely and honestly want to succeed.
I want to, no, I NEED to be a nice person, for my own piece of mind. I want to succeed, so I can help people. I mean that is the leading role of my desired career. So would that that not make a good and unselfish person?
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 8th, 2007
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9:27 am
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Hey,
Iver got my major exams in less than 2 weeks which will decide if i can get into uni or not. To be honest im shit scared, yet i still find it hard to totally commit to sutdying i just printed heaps of old exam papers and im going to do all of that tonight, hopefully that'll be enough to get me started.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 31st, 2007
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5:18 pm
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Somtimes I wonder, do you ever think of me in the dead of the night? Does the guilt ever build up behind those walls you put up to keep everybody out? Do you ever notice me sitting by myself, miserable? It's amazing how much one person can push you before you snap. Especially considering the hell I've been through. I mean even I didn't believe in myself, believe that I was strong enough not to fall back into that pattern all over again. Ive been close though, but somehow I managed to pull myself back from the situation to that . . .
YOU'RE JUST NOT WORTH IT.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, October 25th, 2007
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11:35 am
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I wish I was perfect then people would want to be my friend. If I was pretty and skinny, everybody would like me. Then i could play everybody off each other and maybe let them feel a tenth of what i have. I want to break them, make them doubt everything they once believed until they've got nothing left but their uncertainties. I'd like to see them deal with that all by themselves without leaning on anything else. How bout you try and be sober when the one person you cant stand is yourself, and the only way to escape is to alter your consciousness until you don't know who you are anymore. I want you to bleed for me, beg for your sanity on your knees from me. Soon you will realise I am the one pulling your strings, it was me who did all of this and there isn't one way to reverse it until you accept the truth. You ruined everything for me, but now i have it 50 times better than you. My boys would do anything for me. They would beat you to the ground if you even laid a finger on me. And who do you have? Your little bitches who will get out from under you as soon as they can. Then you'll be all alone FOREVER.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 13th, 2006
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10:38 am
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Hey,
i dont know what i want to say. So i honestly dont know why im wasting my time. Im not tired, im exhausted. Im not falling behind, Ive failed and im not lonely, im alone.
Fuck this
current mood: bite me
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, June 12th, 2006
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12:17 pm - My Chemical Romance - Early Sunsets Over Monroeville
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Late dawns and early sunsets,
Just like my favorite scenes,
Then holding hands and life was perfect,
Just like up on the screen.
And the whole time while always giving,
Counting your face among the living.
Up and down escalators,
Pennies and colder fountains,
Elevators and half price sales,
Trapped in by all these mountains.
Running away and hiding with you,
I never thought they'd get me here.
Not knowing you'd change from just one bite,
I fought them all off just to hold you close and tight.
(But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
But would anything matter if you're already dead?
And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained...
But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
And would anything matter if you're already dead?
And now should I be shocked by the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained...
And in saying you loved me,
Made things harder at best,
And these words changing nothing
As your body remains,
And there's no room in this hell,
There's no room in the next,
And our memories deafeat us,
And I'll end this direst.
But does anyone notice?
But does anyone care?
And if I had the guts to put this to your head...
But does anything matter if you're already dead?
And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said?
Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained...
And in saying you loved me,
Made things harder at best,
And these words changing nothing
As your body remains,
And there's no room in this hell,
There's no room in the next,
But does anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed?)
[3]
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, May 22nd, 2006
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5:52 pm
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Hey,
I have so much work to do, but anyways, all i wanted to say was i got a new icon, isnt it snazzy? lol, still with the snazzy.
x
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, May 8th, 2006
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8:16 pm - Dashboard Connfessional - Sailors and Saints
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This is where I say I've had enough
No one should ever feel the way that I feel now
A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises
And I don't believe that I'm getting any better
Any better
Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
And I'm thinking awful things
Pretty sure that few would notice
And this apartment is starving for an argument
Anything at all to break the silence
Wandering this house like I've never wanted out
And this is about as social as I get now
And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you
Cause they would never do, I would never do
Never
Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
And I'm thinking awful things
Pretty sure that few would notice
And this apartment is starving for an argument
Anything at all to break the silence
So don't be a liar
Don't say that everything's working when everything's broken
And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor
And your eyes say the jokes on me
Well, I?m not laughing
You?re not leaving
Who do I think I am kidding
When I?m the only one locked in this cell
Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
And I'm thinking awful things
Pretty sure that few would notice
And this apartment is starving for an argument
Anything at all to break the silence
So don't be a liar
Don't say that everything's working when everything's broken
And you smile like a saint, but you curse like a sailor
And your eyes say the jokes on me
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| Wednesday, February 15th, 2006
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1:53 pm
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| Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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3:40 pm
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*sigh*
Its the one thing we try so hard to get away from, yet the more we try to run, the harder it becomes. How do you know when you've become your past? Of course to some extent we are all a product of our past, but when you past has totaly consumed you and become a part of every aspect of your being, when that one clog in your brain make that click. That one, final click, if ever, it even occurs? How do you change what youve become, when that is the cement holding together the bricks of your life? Do you destroy what you've acomplished so far? What you've worked so hard for? Just to erase it from the cracks in who you are. even if that person, that soul you've strived for will no longer be able to withstand what life throws at you?
Deep down we all know the answer. We all know were too fucking weak to do anything to try and change what we despise. So it grows a bit more, embeds itself deeper until it becomes the very essence of your being. Then there is nothing we can do to get rid of it, even if we try.
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3:29 pm - The Used - I'm a fake
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Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
And I am not afraid to die.
I'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight.
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pigmy size cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill, and spill over, and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black broken heart.
Love is not like anything.
Especially a fucking knife.
Look at me.
Can you tell,
By the way I move and do my hair?
Do you think that it's me,
Or is it not me?
I don't even care.
I'm alive, I don't smell.
I'm the cleanest I have ever been.
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry.
Dry.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake.
Do I drink?
Do I date?
I've got perfect placements.
All my ink satisfied,
In your eyes.
I'm the biggest fan that I've got right now.
I made sure that I look how I wanted to look.
The people around me,
The people surround me.
I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry.
Dry.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake.
My stomach hurts now,
And all tied off in lace.
I pray, I beg, for anything to hit me in the face.
And this sickness isn't me.
I pray to fall from grace.
The last thing I see is feeling.
And I'm telling you I'm a fake. (x5)
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm fake, I'm fake. (x4)
Fake (x3)
current music: guess
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
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4:45 pm
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hey,
well i wanna update, cos i have a lot to say, probably about nothing but still thats not the point. anyways, i have to go out grocery shopping with my mum, so i cant right now, but i will try to get online later though. anyways i just wanted to post this little speech thing that some guy (cant remeber his name) said at the MTV vma's and i thought it was funny, and true so yeah, here ya go. oh and i hope everyone had a good christmas, or whatever holiday you celebrate.
'Now when you have a newborn baby right. They can take your baby; they can put a microchip inside your baby. And if somebody kidnaps your kid you can do a Google search and find your kid via satellite right.
“James? Where’s James? Honey, where’s James? Get online, Get online now and find James”
And he takes you to like map quest, and there’s a beacon of James on the 305
“ James is –“
“James is stolen”
I hate this idea. I don’t like it, I’ll your right now I don’t like because sometimes technology fails us. This is what I wanna do. I wanna upgrade the entire scenario right. Right next to the microchip, you know what I wanna do, I wanna put a detonator. Yeah, cause if I can’t have my kid neither can you. POW. Blow up your kid, I swear this will work.
We laugh because we like a little violence, we like a little violence in the country. And I know your like me, you cant deny it. Sometimes when you see somebody walking down the street wearing a superman t-shirt you just wanna shoot them in the chest. And when they start to bleed go
“I guess not. Don’t wear that shirt. Wear a shirt that say ‘I bleed when you shoot me in the chest.” '
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| Tuesday, December 20th, 2005
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2:40 pm
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hey
well i just read this quiz/story thing and its was spossed to be a happy ending but i dunno. i think i always end up hurting the people i love, i mean if i cant make sence of my own feelings then how i can i be sure how i feel. i dont know. i always have my heart set on something, i know exactly what i want, but what i want has to be so exact, right down to every detal, so its almost impossible to get it. maybe i hold myself back from being happy, i make it so out of reach, so hard to find yet i want it so much. im so set on having perfection that i hold others up to it, and expect them to be perfect for me, then when theyre not, i hold it agaisnt them as if its all their fault. i dont know, maybe i shouldnt be allowd to love, cos i just hurt people, i dont know, maybe im just having one of my moments *sigh*
current mood:  annoyed
current music: placebo - protige moi (sp)
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| Friday, December 16th, 2005
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1:17 pm - MY Dirty Little Secret
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" . . . . .
You are the only one that needs to know
I'll keep you my dirty little secret (dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone
Or you'll be just another regret (just another regret)
Hope that you can keep it
My dirty little secret
Who has to know?
. . . . .
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny) "
current mood:  guilty
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, December 12th, 2005
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7:16 pm
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hey,
well i just wrote this big update with all this shit in it and i lost it *sigh* so i have to start all over again and my bfs coming over cos we've been going out a year and i dont know what time hes coming over and im not ready so this probibly wont be long or say half of the things i want to
ok well my mates stayed at my place for the last couple of days and that was really nice just hanging out and doing whatever, and she got her tongue pierced and that was cool. and we somehow started talking about weight and stuff and we told each other how much we weigh and she seemed really upset or angry at me or something like that cos i had lost weight, and i dunno i just felt like crying and then we werent talking much, but i guess that cos she had just had her tongue pierced and she said later that she wasnt angry at me but i dunno i guess i belive her but she seemed so angry and i just dont know. and i kinda felt like i should apoligise that ive lost weight, but then again, she weighs less than me, and i dont know. i mean i dont have issues with food, and im not dangerously underwieght . . . right? i mean im not skinny, im just average (the just leaning towards the bigger side, not the skinny one) and i still worry about her, i mean its not just thats she underweight, she looks real thin too, and im not being a hypocrite cos i dont look thin, and i may be slightly underweight, but not to the point whre i look half dead and what not. hmm i just dont know. i feel so disorientated and confused about everything today, like just dont know how i feel, i dont know
i j u s t d o n t k n o w
anyways i really should go and have a shower cos blairs coming over god knows when and if im all ready before he gets here, i'll come back on and update about all the boring little things i seem to ramble about that've happened recently and yeah
x
current mood:  confused
current music: seether - truth
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| Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
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2:19 pm
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hey
you know when you like get a magazine and then a few months later you go back and read to find that you missed like all this real cool stuff the first time you read it? well even if you dont thats what i just did and i found these amusing for one reason or another so i just thought i put them in here so yeah im gonna stop ramblng now and get on with the actual stuff, well here goes
-'Say What'(pg 114), Rip It up, Feb/March 2005
"I rejected some gorgeous publicity shots because they just dont look like me. I wont wear skanky clothes that show off my booty, my belly or my boobs. I have a great body, I could be Britney. I could be better than Britney." - Avril Lavigne dpesn't see the irony in her own comment.
"The day I heard the nominations, we were playing The Hard Rock in Las Vegas, and i put this pair of green and purple star covered underwear over my pants. When i walked in everyone was like 'why are you wearing that?' I was like 'I got [six] grammy nominations - i can wear whatever the hell i want." - Billy Joe Armstrongfrom Green Day on why he can wear what he likes.
"It's a hip, slick, happening, Paris Hilton-getting-fucked-up-the-arse kind of town . . . Its a town full of ambulance chasers." - Ozzy Osbourne on LA
"It just becomes excessive self destruction, inhaling pain slowly, until it manifests in a waterfall of nosebleeds, slef-mutilation, and three way sex scenes with men . .. I know that sounds absurd - if i threw and elephant in it would probibly seem completely unbelievable." - Marilyn Manson on video for (s)AINT, off his greatest hits DVD collection.
"She said to me, 'you remind me of my ex-boyfriend'. And i said 'is that good, or bad?'and she said 'he gave me VD.' " - Marilyn Manson on recording a duet with Garbage frontwomen Shirley Manson.
"Im kinda dissapointed that Canada isnt like the south park movie said it was" - Joel from Good Charlotte blames TV.
" I love you! God Bless you! Papa's got a brand new ba! It a mans world! Get on the good foot, because I feel god! - James Brown's parting words after a fairly coherent interview.
" He said 'Well, who do you want to play you?' And i said 'I want Halle Berry.' and Ray said 'Im not that blind Ruth!' - Blues ledgend Ruth Brown on Ra Charles talking to her about his upcoming bio-pic, Ray, beofre his death.
"Anyway, before i used to smoke maybe a quater pound a day. Now its more or less like two ounces a say. Its drasticlly dropped off. Its more controlled. Its more, you know, casual" - Snoop Dogg, redefining moderation.
Hmm i still dont know i put all these here but yeah i guess to amuse myself wheni go back and read my journal, well hel, we all know no oneelse reads it so it aint for them so yeah, oh well i guess i'll never know.
current mood:  content
current music: System of a Down - Fuck the System
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 1st, 2005
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11:40 am
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hey
i dont really no what im gonna say so you should all be pleased (i know that referring to people who read this as "all" aint acurate as i doubt more than one person reads this, if that) anways ages ago i get giving my self this tattoo but anyways i kinda did it again today and it felt like so great and for abiout 30 mins i had this like amazing ephoric(sp) feeling and yeah im the middle of a computer exam so i guess i should go i just wanted update that i mite update again if i finnish early so yeah.
current mood: relaxed
current music: my chemical romance - thank you for the venom
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, May 23rd, 2005
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10:34 am
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hey
for some reason im decided to write this who knows why but yeah. well my journals friends only, just so certain pppl cant read it well, anyways if you wanna read it like just ask and i'll add you to my friends, not that you will wanna read anyway so yeah
ayla
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 10th, 2005
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2:52 pm - somethink i wrote in health class
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Fuck the world and everyone in it.
Fuck being normal, no actually fuck normal itself, how can you class anythink as normal in such a fucked up world.
Fuck you for telling me who i should be and how i should feel.
Fuck you for leaving me, and fuck you for trying to come back just to give up on me again,
Fuck everyone for throwing their happiness in my face just to show me what i cant have,
Fuck you for making me believe i can do anythink, when in reality i fuck it all up.
But most of all Fuck you for bringing me into this fucked up world
FUCK
current mood:  cynical
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