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yea hot topic [23 Apr 2003|10:31pm] [ mood | gloomy ] [ music | Bright Eyes - "Lover I Don't Have to Love" ] so i thought all id do today was sit around n cut but my buddy liz called n asked if i could do sumthing. amazingly, i could. so we go to the mall, straight to hot topic as usual, and guess wut shirt they had there? Evanescence baby! so i got that n a cool necklace n sum cool earrings. it was sweet. i only cut a little today. once on the side of my wrist n like 7 on my leg. dude im so glad she called tho cuz i was gettin in one of those really depressed moods. i had the razor over the big blue vein on my wrist. i took it away. but i kept holding it over n bringing it away. i did that like 20 times. i was so close to doing it. but my dad would totally see n flip out. omg but i wanted to sooo bad. i hate being sick of living. i wish i enjoyed my life. its all so fucking pointless tho. fuck it all. FUCK...IT...ALL. ugh so i found yet ANOTHER survey for me to bore everyone with: x. name = Susan x. birthday = Oct. 14 x. piercings = 2, i wish more x. tattoos = none, but i want one x. height = 5'7" x. shoe size = 10 x. hair color = brownish x. length = medium i guess x. siblings = 1 brother x. pets = none. i miss my dog :( x. Mood = bored last... x. movie you rented = carrie x. movie you bought = not really a movie, but a tape w/kittie. its cool as hell x. song you listened to = Bright Eyes - "Lover I Don't Have to Love" x. song that was stuck in your head = Avril Lavigne - "Losing Grip" (i hate her. shes hot, but shes stupid. this song isnt nearly as bad as her other songs tho) x. song you've downloaded = Bright Eyes - "Haligh, Haligh, A Lie, Haligh" (recommended by mah homie Heatha) x. cd you bought = i never buy cds, i always burn them. hmm last one i got was for xmas. Mudvayne "the end of all things to come" x. cd you listened to = cd i burned. i put evanescence on repeat n fell asleep to it. i luv fallin asleep to music ;P x. person you've called = liz about the mall x. person that's called you = liz about the mall x. tv show you've watched = maury x. person you were thinking of = heather do... x. you have a bf or gf = yup, pete x. you have a crush on someone = not really x. you wish you could live somewhere else = fuck yeah x. you think about suicide = every day x. you believe in online dating = usually no x. others find you attractive = ha! no. never. im ugly x. you want more piercings = hell yea x. you want more tattoos = yea. i wish i had even one x. you drink = sumtimes x. you do drugs = nooooo.... ;) well, maybe sumtimes x. you like cleaning = no x. you like roller coasters = fuck yea theyre fun as hell x. you write in cursive or print = people write in cursive? thats gay x. you carry a donor card = my temp. license im an organ donor, but other than that no for or against x. long distance relationships = against x. using someone = against x. suicide = against for everyone but me x. killing people = for x. teenage smoking = pot, for...ciggs, against x. doing drugs = once again...against for others, for when its me x. premarital sex = for x. driving drunk = against x. gay/lesbian relationships = for x. soap operas = eew sick! against favorite... x. food = rice krispie treats x. song = idk i like tons of songs. my fav now is evanescence "bring me to life" x. thing to do = cut myself x. thing to talk about = gettin high x. sports = fuck sports x. drinks = SMIRNOFF ICE BABY! x. clothes = nearly anything from hot topic before avril fashion came x. movies = slc punk, the craft, the breakfast club (yea 80's movies!) x. band = Nine Inch Nails, ICP, evanescence, slipknot, kittie...the list goes on x. holiday = halloween x. cars = silver honda civics doped out have you... x. ever cried over a guy/girl = a few times x. ever lied to someone = of course x. ever been in a fist fight = not a serious one x. ever been arrested = no what... x. shampoo do you use = wutever shit brand we can afford x. perfume do you use = depends. either sum nautica shit i got as a gift or sum vanilla stuff from bath and body works. normally i just dont wear any n go around smelly x. shoes do you wear = sum Pony shoes that famous ppl like Piere from Simple Plan and Jon n Head from Korn have x. are you scared of = always being alone number... x. of times I have had my heart broken? who knows. i try not to think about it x. of hearts I have broken? prolly none. well, seve, but hes stupid x. of boys I have kissed? omg, i dont even know. ive kissed guys n i didnt even kno their first name. over 10 for sure; less than 30 tho x. of girls I have kissed? only one x. of continents I have lived in? 69,420,666. ha, no, just one. fuck USA x. of drugs taken illegally? holy shit, i dunno. hmm...8? i dunno x. of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends? none...zero x. of people I consider my enemies? too many to even start counting x. of people from high school that I stayed in contact with? well on account of the fact im still in high school...but i hope i never lose track of my friends now. dude i dont wanna get old. i wish i could stay this age forever. x. of cd's that I own? around 25 im guessing x. of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? 2 or 3 x. of scars on my body? ha waaaay too many to count. over 200 for sure. possibly around 500 x. of piercings? 2 x. of things in my past that I regret? everything... :( okay now im tired. im goin to sleep to evanescence. woohoo. 1 death| kill me

[23 Apr 2003|12:27am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | Bowling for Soup - "Girl All the Bad Guys Want" ] haha funny convo between me n angela about how preppy ppl are annoying: Super Heroe Girl: oh yeah i get like that sometimes to..i just want to be like SHUT UP I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!! xLeTxMExBleeDx: haha i know dude! Super Heroe Girl: specially with my stupid little preppy friends xLeTxMExBleeDx: lol yeah they can be so fuckin annoying Super Heroe Girl: yeah they can like...OMG I CAN'T DECIDE WTHER TO BE ABERCROMBIE OR AEROPOSTALE or whatever the fuck u spell it xLeTxMExBleeDx: lmao xLeTxMExBleeDx: yea hahaha its so true. kill me

OH....MY....GOD [22 Apr 2003|11:26pm] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Ra - "Do You Call My Name" ] Holy shit im soooooo excited. i finally have a drug hook-up. ive been waiting for like 5 months to get sumone who i can get oxycodone or vicodin from. and now i have one. yesssss. i can even get oxycontin. omg i coulds shit when i heard that. woohoo. so thursday ima see this person again n im bringin like $50. oh hell yes. ive been waiting sooo long. omg i cant wait. yes yes yes yes yessssssssss. dude you cannot even measure the happiness in me rite now. omg. ::orgasms:: kill me

i fuckin hate being bored [22 Apr 2003|01:07pm] [ mood | relaxed ] [ music | Seether - "Driven Under" ] yea i have nuthin to do n nobody is online so ima write a bunch of boring shit in here. u know wuts gross? when u brush ur teeth n then have sum orange juice. eew. i didnt do that recently, but i just felt like sayin that. yup cuz im fuckin bored. ha my parents r dumb. ok no one in my family has dyed hair, so one of them went to the store n got shampoo n conditioner for "color treated hair". theyre so stupid! omg, lol. so yeah im so bored. arrgh i really miss becky. its been like 4 days since i talked to her. it sucks. i really hate being bored. i think ill do another one of those retarded survey things i saw on heather's journal. ---------------- ---Appearance--- ---------------- HEIGHT: 5'7" HAIR COLOR: brown i think, i dunno, it used to be blond, it changed SKIN COLOR: black fo sheezy! haha im soooo caucasian EYEBROWS: uhmmm brown? EYE COLOR: i think theyre green ABOUT EARS: 2 cartilige piercings but i want more ABOUT LIPS: uhmm, i have sum... ABOUT TONGUE: its a machine! haha ABOUT CHIN: uhmm its there SHOULDERS: theyre there MUSCLES: theyre small. im weak but i can still act tough. haha but my friends know im not STYLE: eh i look like i just got back from a shopping spree at hot topic PIERCINGS: just my ear, i tried my belly button, but no. didnt work out too well --------------- ---Right Now--- --------------- WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?: black Jnco jeans, Slipknot t-shirt, generic dark grey hoodie w/a design on it WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?: was listening to Seether, now im listenin to The Ataris WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?: jelly beans (mmm easter candy) WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?: i dunno i havent been outside, prolly kinda chilly HOW ARE YOU?: bored as fuck! but becky was just on so i was happy for like 2 seconds. (she got off) --------------- ---Do you...--- --------------- GET MOTION SICKNESS?: no HAVE A BAD HABIT?: hmm i dunno, i guess cutting GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?: never LIKE TO DRIVE? before i hit a car, yes --------------- ---Favorites--- --------------- TV SHOW: i dont watch TV much nemore, but Uranuim on MMUSA was amazing SHAMPOO: i dont have a favorite, i use wutever my parents get BOOK: Beauy Queen - great book about a heroin addict MAGAZINE: Hit Parader, Circus, Alternative Press NON-ALCOHOLIC DRINK: fruity drinks or Jolt soda even tho i dont like soda THING TO DO ON THE WEEKEND: hang out with friends BAND OR GROUP: i luv evanescence rite now HANGOUT: POOP PALACE! lmao Heather. uhmm, the mall i guess FEELING: happy (even tho i never feel it) DOG BREED: border collie/australian shepard ----------------- ---Have you...--- ----------------- BROKEN THE LAW: shit, i dont even know how many times RAN AWAY FROM HOME: ha, yesh. it was great till my dad took me to a psych hospital EVER CHEATED ON A TEST: of course STAYED UP TILL FOUR ON THE PHONE: prolly, i dont really look at the time. if not till 4, then damn close SNUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE: yup EVER GONE SKINNY DIPPING: nah im a loser like that n i could never be naked in front of sumone MADE A PRANK PHONE CALL: yup, with heather n leah. haha great times EVER TIPPED OVER A PORTA POTTY: haha no im not strong like that. thatd be funny tho USED YOU PARENTS' CREDIT CARD BEFORE: nope SKIPPED SCHOOL BEFORE: i tried to skip reading once last year but karen caught me FELL ASLEEP IN THE SHOWER/BATH: i dont think so BEEN IN A SCHOOL PLAY: eew no CRIED IN PUBLIC: when my dad hurt me in public, yea LET A FRIEND CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER: i dunno, i mightve. i dont think so tho. ---------- ---Love--- ---------- BOYFRIEND: yes GIRLFRIEND: nar SEXUALITY: selectively bi (ha i made that "selectively" part up) basically im not attracted to chicks in that way unless theyre bi too n i know them pretty well. i mean, i'll say if i think a chick is hot, but i wont wanna get in her pants or nething unless i get to know her CHILDREN?: eew sick never CURRENT CRUSH: pete i guess BEEN IN LOVE?: i dont think i have, i wont let myself HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OVER SOMEONE: yeah BEEN OUT WITH SOMEONE: too many. TOO SHY?: yeah BEEN HURT?: too many times to remember HAVE YOU EVER SAID "I LOVE YOU" AND MEANT IT?: yes YOUR GREATEST REGRET: hmm too many to think of one. living this long is prolly my biggest regret HAVE HAD/HAVE AN ONLINE RELATIONSHIP: haha yea, had. theyre so stupid ------------- ---Random--- ------------- DO YOU HAVE A JOB: unfortunately YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW: a mix CD w/rock, punk, metal, n industial IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?: black WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?: drugs/alcohol, razors, mah friends (becky, heather, casi), and when pete flirts with me WHAT'S THE NEXT CD YOU'RE GONNA GET?: i dunno, i always just burn slipknot, so i gotta get their CDs WHO DO YOU CONSIDER GOOD FRIENDS?: becky, heather, n casi WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO?: use various drugs and then have sexual acts while on the drugs HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE?: by killin myself or ODing on a drug. i want a fast death ------------------------------- ---When/what was the last...--- ------------------------------- TIME YOU CRIED?: yesterday. my parents make me cry nearly everyday YOU GOT A REAL LETTER?: looong time ago. no one writes to me. well actually, heather made me pretty card like a month ago, but thats not a letter YOU GOT E-MAIL: today THING YOU PURCHASED: a "MADE" black zip-up hoodie TV PROGRAM YOU WATCHED: MMUSA's "Power Fuse" MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE THEATER: i dunno wut it was called, but sum movie with Queen Latifah (eew, black) and Steve Martin. it was about online relationships. i really dont remember the name ------------------------- ---Your thoughts on...--- ------------------------- ABORTION: im pro choice TEENAGE SMOKING: i dont really care. do wut u want MASTURBATION: not for me, but i dont care if other ppl do it, just not when im around please, lol PMS: its a bitch SPICE GIRLS: almost as good as Kittie! haha nar. i dunno if i hear them now its fun to listen to n wonder how i was dum enuf to ever like them PREMARITAL SEX: u mean sum ppl dont have sex till theyre married? whoa. haha DREAMS: mine are always shitty unless theyre about sex dammit im still bored. ugh. today is shit. yay beckys back. :D kill me

yay i went to heather's today :D [21 Apr 2003|10:08pm] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | Thursday - "Jet Black New Year" ] awww so i thought today was gonna be all boring n then heather called n i basically invited myself over there being the obnoxious person i am. so her mom said OK n then i asked my dad n had to beg for about half an hour n then he said ok. it was great. well, the ride to her house sucked cuz my dad was tellin me how bad of a kid i am n shit n then when we pulled into her driveway i guess sumhow he saw the cuts on my ankle. i think my pants rode up a lil when i got out of the seat, but yea he was mad. so now he took away all my safety pins. i mean idc cuz i use razors now, but fuck him. he doesnt know i have a safety pin on all my pants. mwahahaha. but yea so neway i got to see heather's house for tha first time eva! it was sweet! i watched a tape of when she was a lil kid n that was cool. aww she was so cute. heehee. then we went to go pick leah up n they showed me Poop Palace n it was great. its mah future home. haha, ima make a reservation there. so yea we go back to heathers n make prank phone calls n it was great! heather called a massage place n asked if they gave vaginal massages n they asked why? n she said cuz she had a historectamy (idk how 2 spell that). omg me n leah were laughing our asses off. n then i called a funeral home fake-crying n said i wanted to talk to grandma cuz i never got to say goodbye, but they said she wasnt there. it was sad. hahaha. then we went n played barbies. that was a great time we had the Ken dolls acting out a homosexual drama to Dashboard Confessional's "Screaming Infidelities" n when the song had the line "your hair is everywhere" heather n leah took all the barbie hair they cut off n threw it all over the ken dolls! it was so fuckin hilarious. then we were knockin the couch over n that was fun too. haha n then we went to walk to this ghetto park near her house at parkview school n on the way we saw 2 ghetto black kids walkin the opposite direction so me n heather n leah all start skipping n singing "jesus loves me" haha we scared the kids i think. then we played at the park n had a cigg (i know, bad me) n i went down a slide. i havent gone down a slide in like 2 years. i felt like a lil child again. aww those kids are a good time. yay. i thought i was gonna do nothing today but i had fun. woohoo! i wanna go to heathers more often it was soooooooo much fun. but yea my dad is bein all weird now. he said im "freaking him out" cuz he thought i stopped cutting after i went to the psych hospital, but now he knows i still do it. uh oh. yeah hes an asshole. oh well, if it were my mom i could see her takin me to an emergency room or sumthin. uck i hate my parents as do everyone else. i hope they die. i really wouldnt mind, only thing that'd bug me is id hafta move in with other relatives n i hate all my relatives. im not close with any of them. eew. lol. i wish there was sum genie i had n i could wish that my parents n brother were just gone n that i could live with a different friend each week or sumthin. cuz this shit is gay. ugh i really really wish i were pretty. eew so when i got outta the shower like an hour ago, i looked down at my leg n the spot by my ankle where i cut all around to make a pretty anklet type deal, well it was like, bulging. my leg went straight, then where the cuts were, out, then straight. it was weird. im so sick of my life. uck. i wish i never was in this house. ever. this house is so fuckin annoying. arrgh. and i still miss becky. =( kill me

i am now high [20 Apr 2003|10:00pm] [ mood | horny ] [ music | Evanescence ] kay this shit kicked im so iam rite about it. kay so ima have dhitty ypting czu i canr really see to well n cant feel to welll wiether. so wut m i feellign: numbness. its great, i feel so numnb. my hands can barely type n lookin around really fast makes me dizzy. i keep gettin chilld up n down may back n its cool. if i touch my face the feeling of touvhed lasts long. dammit n im horny now too. n theres no one here. eew family, but no. whoa i feel likeim floating cuz of the nimbness. whoooooaaaaahhhh. these tingles keep koing. wheee. omg my hands are shaking really scarily/ they look liek thyre havig a seixuyure. hahaha. whoa this is grrrreat/ shakey shakey shake. heehee. i love u heather. n i love becky. i love heather n becky. oh and casi, i love her too, i hope we becumb good bussied. casis cool. whoa i just moved me hed dfats n the room totally moved. aaah tinglies again. aaah horniness. where the fuck is becky when u need her? hahaah. or pete for that matter. yea well ima relly go now. ill make one more entry if im bout ta die. i think ima go tkae su mmore. luv u everyone (specially heather cuz shes actually talkin to me on AIM n its past 10! woo hoo!) 1 death| kill me

heather i wont die! [20 Apr 2003|09:39pm] [ mood | high ] [ music | Finch - "What it is to Burn" (im having an emo-music day) ] heather i wont die, i feel messed up but i wont die. i love you too much to leave u. u are the coolest est est x420420420420666420! heehee i wuv uuuuuuuu. i cant make myself puke, so the pills r not comin out till i shit em out! heehee. ok so this is the funniest thing ive heard for quite awhile: Im Drowning You: we were drunk! Im Drowning You: we were like okay Im Drowning You: were naked, LETS WASH OUR HAIR haha heather ur hilarious. i luv u sooooooo mucho mucho! yea ok my body feels too tired to keep typing but i still luv u waaaaay mucho. (haha im a spaniard) thats a gay name, spaniard. they speek spanich. ok i can tell im loding my typig ablitly so ima quit now. ttyl. LUV U HEATHER! 1 death| kill me

here goes the pills [20 Apr 2003|08:52pm] [ mood | jubilant ] [ music | The Ataris - "In This Diary" ] alrite so ima take 12 pills now. wow this acetaminophen is gonna kill me. oh well. here goes...aww they're red w/the word "ZEE" on one side and "H/F" on the other. ok here goes for real. 1..2...eew these taste nasty as hell. 3...4...5...6...7...8 uck my throat feels corroded. ima take the rest in like 10 minutes. yay these will kick in in about 45 minutes and hopefully my dad n bro will be asleep. (my mom alredy passed out). i will prolly write again later when they kick in to tell how i feel cuz its fun to read that after uve done shit. fuck it im takin more. 9...10. ok waitin sum more. shit my cutting is outta control. when the fuck did band-aids begin to leak? yea cuz they do. n thats not cool. ive already stained my work pants n 4 socks with blood, and now i realize band-ads leak. goddamit. but i found a smart idea! ok today instead of using gauze n tape on my cuts, i used a kleenex n put a rubber band around my leg! IM A GENIUS I TELL YOU! it worked great n this way we wont run outta anything suspicious. its great. so yeah i cant fuckin cross my legs now. ouch. dude this one cut hasnt stopped for like 3 fuckin hours. its annoying. i tried goin really deep n slow today. it was about the same as when i go shallow n fast. this fuckin spring break sucks. since im a loser n have no friends i sit around all day on my fat ass gaining more weight. eew i hate me. whoa i feel like my body is slowin down. like im gettin a slow motion tape played. eeyyyywwrreeww. haha. 11...12... ok im done for now. ugh nasty pills. im boreded. and i miss becky. BECKY I LOVE YOU!!! aww i miss her so much. shes mah bestest buddy evah. ya she rules. so yea these pills may kill me today, if i die everyone, sweet! haha no but really if i do, u guys can have my shit. or sell it, i dont care. o and kill my parents. that would be nice. OW FUCK! my tummy just had like a shock of intense pain. but its gone now. i think i just hafta shit. ok back from toilet. i feel a lil better. mmm i wanna take more but heather is tellin me not to. oh well ill pretend i wont. 13...14. wow i wonder if ill seriously die. or just puke, haha. i have a bucket next to me in case. if i dont feel anything in a half hour ima take all 20. but ima go before then. i am talkin to heather online n i love her so very much. shes sayin shed care if i died. aww how nice. haha, yea buh bye kill me

easter is gay [20 Apr 2003|03:48pm] [ mood | aggravated ] ha i was so happy about 4-20 i completely forgot it was easter. fuck this holiday, its gay. dumb fake jesus stories. so yea once again im bored. only person online is lisa. so yea my boredom led me to another online quiz to find out wut band i am. I am RUFIO. Find out which band you are! fuck my parents are tryin top make me play Clue with them. we'll see how big of a fight this becomes... kill me

HAPPY 4-20 EVERYBODY! [20 Apr 2003|12:11am] [ mood | mellow ] [ music | Mindless Self Indulgence - "Kill the Rock" ] yay its 4-20, i have no pot but im gonna take sum pills i found at work. theyre for coughs n shit n have DXM in them. for retards, DXM is dextromethorphan, same shit in skittles, n its used as an alternative for codeine. mmm. but i hafta take 3 times the amount with Coricidin (Skittles). so yea i might die. for real, i might. oh well it wouldnt matter much anyways. yea i got home from work n since its past midnight that means its 4-20 so i wanted to wish a happy one for everybody. yes so the shit i got from work only has 10mg of DXM whereas skittles have 30mg. so that means i gotta take like 24 of these to get the same effect. shit. cuz theres other stuff in these. 325mg acetaminophen and 30mg Pseudoephedrine (which is like ephedrine...whee). yeah so see takin 24 may kill me cuz im plannin of havin sum alcohol also. i dunno how many ima take. prolly like 12 at first then see how i feel. i dunno if i have enuf. we'll see. anyways so yea today i found out Alex Palus, this stupid-ass ugly preppy freshman who looks like a fuckin rabbit, was the dumb bitch who TP-ed my house...with a ton of her stupid ass friends. shes soooo goin down. i dont even talk to this chick, have no classes with her. supposedly, she just did it cuz "she felt like TP-ing sumones house n she didnt like me n i live close so she might as well". big mistake u dum hoe. so now ima have sum friends sleep over n were gonna go for a late nite "walk" consisting of much TPm plastic forks, eggs, and saran wrap. this bitch is dead. i mean its not so much the fact that she did it as it is that she never fuckin says shit to me, i have done NOTHING to hurt her personally cept for sayin RABBIT! repeatedly on the bus, but she didnt know i was talkin about her. and top of it all, SHE IS A FUCKING FRESHMAN. how dumb is she? shes sooooooooooo going down. ha ha this shall be fun. wow i miss becky a lot. i mean i dont talk to her everyday or nething, but knowing i cant call her n talk to her when i normally can is sad. oh well im sure shes having a great time. mall of america is huge. i wish i were back in MN...sigh... i hate this place, but im not even goin into how much i miss MN. arrgh so yea i come home from work n go to my bedroom n i guess my dad made my bed while i was at work. i was about to think, aww how nice when i flipped. i remembered i left my razors n yet another bloody napkin under my pillow cuz i was cutting earlier today. so i coulda shit myself then. i looked under the pillow...nothing. then i looked around my room n there they were sitting on my desk chair. i was so scared. i keep my razors in this tiny container thing n i dont think my dad opened it, so i put it back in its normal hiding spot. then i saw the napkin in all its bloody glory n flushed it down the toilet. i wonder if my dad thought the streaks of blood were the design of the napkin. i dunno i just really hope he doesnt confront me tomorrow cuz i dont wanna be sent back to that fuckin psych hospital. eew. owiieee my leg hurts. i think im gonna dye my hair red again when i quit work or wutever im doing. yay i love my hair that red. its all bright and cool lookin. yeehaw. dammit i was gonna write about sumthin else but i just forgot. fuck. ah well my dad said i hafta go at 1 n its 1 now. buh bye kill me

its saturday and i know its gonna suck [19 Apr 2003|12:40am] [ mood | pensive ] [ music | Dark Lotus - "Juggalo Family" ] kay technically this is a different day so this technically ISNT 4 entries in one day. god im a loser. no one talks to me online so i end up doin this shit. got home from work about a half hour ago. yea so i dont feel like writing anything important so im gonna do another stupid ass survey thing {x} Fallen for your best friend? yeah {x} Made out with JUST a friend? yeah {x} Been rejected? yup {x} Been in love? i dunno, prolly not, i wont let myself {x} Been in lust? sure {x} Used someone? probably {x} Been used? oh yes {x} Cheated on someone? yeah {x} Been cheated on? probably, they dont admit it {x} Done something you regret? of course Who was the last person... {x} You touched? Liz from work, i hit her. mwahaha {x} You talked to? my dad when i came in from work {x} You hugged? the mom of the 10-yr old whose funeral i went to today. my dad tried to hug me but i ran away from him. i hate him. {x} You instant messaged? Becky. im instant messaging her rite now {x} You kissed? i dont remember. i think becky {x} You yelled at? My Mom (that fuckin bitch) {x} You laughed with? people at work Have you/are you/do you.... {x} Considered a life of crime? sumtimes {x} Considered being a hooker? yea for the money but no one would buy me {x} Considered being a pimp? O yea every day haha {x} Are you psycho? yes {x} Split personalities? sumtimes {x} Schizophrenic? actually i am sometimes {x} Obsessive? not really {x} Obsessive compulsive? not really {x} Panic? i put everything in the back of my mind so no {x} Anxiety? Yeah {x} Depressed? cant remember when i wasnt {x} Suicidal? oh yes {x} Obsessed with hate? yup {x} Dream of mutilated bodies, blood, death, and gore? sumtimes {x} Dream of doing those things instead of just seeing them? depending {x} Understanding: yes {x} Open-minded: I try to be {x} Insecure: Very {x} Interesting: No {x} Hungry: Not often {x} Friendly: i try to be {x} Smart: ha no {x} Moody: sumtimes {x} Childish: when im high or hyper {x} Independent: kinda {x} Hard working: not often {x} Organized: not really {x} Healthy: No {x} Emotionally Stable: No {x} Shy: Yes. {x} Difficult: Sometimes. {x} Attractive: Not at all {x} Bored Easily: oh yes {x} Thirsty: not now {x} Responsible: sumtimes {x} Sad: extremely {x} Happy: only when im cutting or on drugs {x} Trusting: id like to think so {x} Talkative: Only with a few people. {x} Original: i try to be but i dont think so {x} Different: In some ways {x} Unique: Some ways {x} Lonely: VERY LONELY. {x} Color your hair? i have before n i want to again but its not colored rite now {x} Have tattoos? no but i want sum. nautical stars sumwhere {x} Piercings? left ear cartilidge double pierced. i wish i had more {x} Have a girlfriend? No, but i have a b/f {x} Floss daily? haha no i never floss {x} Own a webcam? nope im not rich {x} Ever get off the damn computer? if i did i wouldnt be doin this rite now Currents {x} Current Clothes: black Illig pants, white MSI shirt {x} Current Mood: shitty n tired {x} Current Taste: grilled chicken sandwich from work {x} Current Hair: same old {x} Current Annoyance: My back hurts. i wish i had vicodin {x} Current Smell: Eeew butterburgers. damn culvers n its greasyness {x} Current thing you ought to be doing: having sex w/pete {x} Current Desktop Picture: dum HP thing. my parents freaked when i had it mudvayne {x} Current Favorite Groups: Mindless Self Indulgence, AFI, Evanescence {x} Current Book: Beauty Queen (another book about a heroin addict, "Smack" was the first) {x} Current DVD In Player: I aint got no DVD player, i be poor {x} Current Refreshment: nuthin {x} Current Worry: That im gonna cut myself too much over this boring ass spring break {x} Current Favorite Celebrity: Amy, the lead singer of Evanescence. shes really hot {x} Food: i dont even know. i hate food it makes me fatter {x} Drink: smirnoff ice {x} Color: black n red {x} Shoes: Chucks even tho i dont own any...yet. i like my Pony shoes tho {x} Candy: Gobstoppers baby! {x} TV Show: hmmm, "Fear" on MTV was good but its never on nemore {x} Movie: SLC PUNK. enough said On Dating.... {x} Long or short hair? usually short but sumtimes they can pull long off {x} Dark or blond hair? depends on how it looks {x} Tall or short? depends again {x} Mr. Sensitive or Mr. Funny? Both. {x} Good boy or bad boy? bad boy. {x} Dark or light eyes? depends again {x} Hat or no hat? ehhh depends yet again {x} Pierced or no? PIERCED IS HOT. {x} Freckles or none? none {x} Stubble or neatly shaved? Doesn't matter. {x} Rugged outdoorsy type or sporty type? eew, neither On preferences.... {x} Chocolate milk or hot chocolate? Hot chocolate {x} McDonalds or Burger King? Mc Donald's {x} Marry the perfect lover or the perfect friend? My perfect lover should be my perfect friend. {x} Sweet or sour? Sweet. {x} Root Beer or Dr. Pepper? Dr. Pepper. {x} Sappy/action/comedy/horror? horror {x} Cats or dogs? Dogs. {x} Ocean or Pool? Pool. The beach is in sun n hotness n has annoying ppl. personally id prefer neither {x} Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese? nacho cheese {x} Mud or Jell-O wrestling? hmm jell-o sounds interesting but either is cool {x} With or without ice-cubes? With. {x} Shine or rain? rain {x} Winter/Summer/Fall/Spring? Fall. {x} Vanilla or Chocolate? vanilla {x} Gloves or mittens? Gloves but mittens can be cute too {x} Eyes open or closed? uhmm what? who cares? {x} Fly or breathe under water? fly {x} Bunk-bed or waterbed? Huge waterbed. {x} Chewing gum or hard candy? Gum. {x} Motor boat or sailboat? uhmm motor boat? sure... :/ {x} Lights on or off? off. darkness rules {x} Chicken or fish? Chicken. i feel black What's your favorite:. {x} Number? 22 {x} Holiday? Halloween. {x} Radio station? 94.1 {x} Place? i love being in people's arms n cuddling {x} Flower? black rose {x} Scent? the perfume thing "Anarchy" at Gadzooks. "Axe" smells good too {x} If you could be anywhere, where would you be? alone in an apartment with my friends {x} What would you be doing? prolly doin drugs {x} What are you listening to? ICP's "Mr. Johnson's Head" {x} Can you do anything freakish with your body? not really {x} Do you have a favorite animal, no matter how lame it may be? koalas. ive always loved them theyre so cute Heres another dum survey i decided to do: 1. Name: Susan 2. If there are 3 wells (love, beauty, and creativity) and you can drink from one of them, which would you choose?: beauty 3. Do you wish on stars?: nope 4. What is the most disgusting food you have ever eaten?: nasty old moldy cheese shit in french class back in 6th grade. they said it was popular there. mmm....mold...kinda :\ 5. Would you kill someone?: Myself, yes. Anyone else, probably, depending on my mood n who they were. 6. Virgin or not?: virgin, but not by choice 7. What TV show or movie title best describes your life?: i dunno. i love songs tho. NIN "Hurt", Slipknot "Everything Ends", basically any Staind song...too many to name them all 8. Do you like your handwriting?: no 9. Who are you jealous of?: nearly everyone 10. Who would you marry?: no one. i dont trust anyone enough. if i had to choose tho, becky 11. What is your favorite lunch meal?: TACOS. YES. 12. Do you think that the people on the gap commercials are cool?: Oh yes, they're oh so cool... nar 13. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: prolly not. well, i dunno. cuz i hate me so depending who this "another person" is i dunno 14. Are you a daredevil? if im with my friends i am 15. How big was the biggest mango you ever had?: What the fuck kinda question is that? Is this some hidden penis size question? mango? shut the fuck up! lol 16. Have you ever told a secret that you swore you wouldn't repeat?: no way. i am so not like that. i hate people who are 17. Do you pray?: HA! yea every nite to my savior jesus... No never. 18. Have you ever met anyone famous?: yeah but no one would care who, theyre not imprtant or nething. i got to see GC, Simple Plan, and Autopilot off, so that was cool even tho i hate them now (cept for autopilot off) 19. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?: there is no end to a rainbow 20. How do you vent anger?: cutting, moshing in my room...by myself (i know it sounds dum but it helps), basically any self injury 21. Are you trendy?: not really. 22. Are you passive or aggressive?: usually passive cuz i hate conflict 23. Who is your idol?: Kud from Mudvayne. go rock stars 24. Who is your second family?: yea right. im not close to anyone 25. Do you trust others easily?: Not at all 26. What was your favorite toy as a child?: i didnt really play that much. i dont know i dont remember 27. What class in school do you think is totally useless?: algebra n spanish. fuck all the spicks 28. What is the punch-line to your favorite joke?: knock knock... 29. Do you think your life so far has been good?: HA funny question. HEELLLLLLLLLLLL no. my life has sucked as long as i can remember 30. Which was your best Halloween costume?: i dunno, the killer from Scream?? 31. Have you ever been on radio or television?: i dont think so. i have a feeling i was on TV but i dont remember 32. Do you keep a diary?: This one. 33. Have you ever intentionally hurt another person?: probably 34. Have you ever been in a mosh pit?: yea 35. Do you feel understood most of the time?: never. i dont think anyone understands me 36. Do you drink milk?: yea i dont like soda cuz im a freak 37. Would you rather have a sore throat or an upset stomach?: hmm i dunno 38. What is the new saying that you've been using a lot?: FUCK OFF! 39. Do you keep your underwear and socks in the same drawer or in separate ones?: same 40. Did you pay money to see "honey I shrunk the kids"?: not me personally but i have the video from like 10 years ago 41. What is your all time favorite songs?: AFI "morning star", nearly every Slipknot and mudvayne song, Noise Therapy "Star 69", Evanescence "Bring me to Life", Twiztid "We Dont Die", the list goes on... 42. What was the best Christmas present you received?: haha the awesome socks i got from heather! 43. Could you be a vegetarian?: sick no 44. What word do you use when you think something is good?: sweet! 45. What band has the funniest name?: Bowling For Soup 46. Would you ever bungee jump?: No but thatd be cool as hell 47. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?: nope 48. Who is your favorite talented white rapper?: Shagg 2 Dope and Violent J (ICP) 49. Would you rather wear uniforms to school?: hell fuckin no 50. Have you ever given money to a bum?: Yea, and the fucker went and got ciggs 51. What are you worried about right now?: if my friends really care about me and if im gonna live past 20 52. Do you ever wear overalls?: eew no 53. Do you think you are strong (emotionally)?: i make it seem like i am but im not. not at all 54. Do you hate anyone?: nearly everyone 55. Who is your Best Friend(s)?: id like to think becky heather n casi but i kinda doubt that any of them actually like me (you all know how my fucked up head is) 56. Do you regret anything?: yea not dying when i tried to kill myself 57. Who do you love?: Becky 58. What is your opinion of the person that sent this to you?: i found it on sum other chicks thing, so i dont even know her 59. What are you going to do next?: Humm...type the next question? then when im done go to sleep 60. Are you going to send this to everyone you know?: sorry im not annoying like that 61. What is your favorite quote?: "You cant kill me, cuz im already dead" - Mudvayne (its a lyric, not a quote, but it works) 62. Name 2 people you want to thank for their friendship: Becky n Heather 63. Have you ever considered a religious vocation?: hell fuckin no. fuck religion 64. What's your biggest dream/wish?: To get a real life and real friends and get my fuckin head sorted out and normal. i wish i were okay with my family, i wish i were smart, omg the list goes on forever... 65. What is the one modern thing you could never live without?: my music. music isnt really modern but i need it 66. Have you ever done anything illegal?: hell yeah 67. Have you ever thought with another's head?: sure 68. Are you friends with the person who sent this to you or you stole this from?: well since i dont know them i cant say im friends with them 69. Who do you like better, N'Sync or the Backstreet Boys?: I don't listen to either, but i used to like BSB (in like 6th grade) so them 70. What would you do if you were walking down the street and saw some hot guys standing on the sidewalk?: Drool but know i have no chance n continue on my way wishing i were hot anough for them 72. What is the most important lesson you have learned outside of school?: fuck lessons 71. What do you regret doing or not doing in your life the most?: i regret becoming a failure 73. What things are you afraid of most?: losing my friends 74. Name the one person whose arms you feel safe in: no one. i wish. im so fuckin alone kay im tired. before i go, becky sent me this cool thing: "now i lay me down to sleep, drops of blood before i sleep, if i die before i wake, life was just to much to take." thats awesome. wow this enty took a fuckin hour. its now 1:42 in the morning. good fuckin night. kill me

last enry today...i promise [18 Apr 2003|03:19pm] [ mood | geeky ] [ music | Evanescence - "Bring Me To Life" ] 1) Name: susan christine keaton 2) Birthday: october 14, 1986 3) Zodiac Sign: libra 4) Sex: girl 5) Location: brookfield, wi -:last person who:- 6) Called You: becky 7) Slept In Your Bed: myself 8) Saw You Cry: my parents 9) Made You Cry: my parents 10) Spent The Night At Your House: becky 11) You Shared A Drink With: i have no idea 12) You Went To The Movies With: becky, ashley, claire, those ppl 13) You Went To The Mall with: becky 14) Yelled At You: parents or friends im not sure 15) Sent You An Email: lisa 16) Said They Were Gonna Kill You: casi, kidding tho have you ever.. 17) Taken A Picture Of Yourself With A Milk Mustache And Sent It to The Milk People: cant say that i have 18) Said "I Love You" And Not Mean it: yeah 19) Gotten Into A Fight With Your Dog/Cat/Bird/Fish/Etc: when my dog was still alive yes 20) Been To New York? no 21) Been To Florida? yeah 22) California? no 23) Hawaii? no 24) Mexico? eew can u say spicks? 25) China? u think im rich or sumthin? 26) Canada? no but canada rules! 27) Danced Naked? negative 28) Dreamed Something Really Crazy And Then It Happens The Next Day? yep 29) Stalked Someone? haha yeah. its fun 30) Had A Mud Bath? oh yes every day i make a pile of mud n take a bath in it. ha, no 31) Been robbed? not really 32) Had An Imaginary Friend? i dont think so i cant remember this or that.. 34) apples Or bananas? bananas 35) Red Or Blue? neither - black 36) Candles or incense: candles (whee fire) 37) Wal Mart Or Target? target all the way 38) Spring Or fall? fall 39) Santa Or Rudolph? santa - hes got the presents and old fat men are so sexy! (haha jk) which one of your friends.. 40) Laughs The Weirdest? ally loveridge 41) Will Grow Up And Be A Model? well shes not really my friend, but claire 42) Going To Have The Most Kids? vicky haha hoebagger (jk) 43) Have You Known The Longest? i guess becky, ive known her since 6th grade but she hated me 44) Loudest? alysse! 45) Is The Quietest? casi 46) Do You Have The Most Classes with? no one, damn freshman friends... 47) Who Is The Funniest? becky 48) Who Is The Moodiest? becky (but i still luv u) 49) Who Can You Tell Most Of Your Secrets to: becky all the way 50) Who Do You Usually Go To About All Of Your Problem: i try not to talk about my problems 51) Who Do You Distrust the Most: hmmm. i really dont know. everyones pretty cool about that shit 52) Who Is the Meanest To You: well my head makes me think everyones mean 53) Who Is the Nicest To You: like i said, my heads fucked up n i think everyone hates me 54) Who Do You Hang Out With the Most: o yea, once every other month? becky 55) Who Gets the Most Annoying: no one, i love my friends 56) Name Your Best Friends: becky. the end. 57) Name Your Other Friends/Acquaintances: casi n heather what are your.. 58) Lucky #'s: 22 59) Thing You Like In A Girl/Guy?: hair, then clothes, then face 60) Weirdest Thing About You? too many to list 61) Do you have crush on someone? kinda 62) Do they know?: well if were goin out then yeah 63) Do you have a Boyfriend/Girlfriend: yesh 64) What's his/her name? pete orgovon 65) What Do You Think About Ouija Boards? theyre cool as hell i wanna get one. i supposedly talked to kurt cobain. 66) Favorite Sound: it just doesnt get any sexier than a fart. haha jk 67) Worst Feeling In The World : my depression 68) What Is The First Thing You Think When You Wake In The Morning : think about goin back to sleep 69) Future Daughter's name: raven but i dont want kids 70) Future Son's Name: trent but as i said i dont want kids 71) Do You Sleep With A Stuffed animal? nope 72) Your favorite present you got for any occassion? i like when my friends make me shit. im a dork like that i like that stuff. but from relatives, its all about the money n giftcards kill me

even more quizzes [18 Apr 2003|02:13pm] [ mood | ditzy ] [ music | Zeromancer - "Need You Like A Drug" ] i took more quizzes online cuz i have nuthin better to do and im trying to do my best to avoid the razors. You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly everything and is constantly wondering about what could have been.You're not happy with your situation and usually blame yourself because of the bad things that have happened.Cheer up. What Kind of Smile are You? brought to you by Quizilla Shrooms. Star light, star bright, what images will I see tonite? Which drug should you be hooked on? [now with pictures] brought to you by Quizilla Rock on, dude! You are Punk music! What type of music are you? brought to you by Quizilla borderline Which Personality Disorder Do You Have? brought to you by Quizilla Black: PEOPLE SUCK THE WORLD SUCKS EVERYBODY SHOULD BE KILLED AND BLEED TO DEATH TILL THE COLD EARTH SOAKS IN BLOOD. Well, you're angry at the world. For reasons who knows, but you definately hate life. What color do you see the world in? brought to you by Quizilla You would make them suffer How would you kill someone brought to you by Quizilla Salute Your Shorts! You enjoy camping out with yer buddies and playing tricks on your camp counselors. Watch out for Zeek the Plumber What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show? brought to you by Quizilla You are burning What Self-Mutilation Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Goddess of the Night. Beautiful yet a strange darkness and sadness lurk about you. What element would you rein over? (For Girls) brought to you by Quizilla you're punk! How can I label you? brought to you by Quizilla okay that was a lot of quizzes. yeah n im still bored as hell. sumone call me dammit! ugh stupid ass boredom kill me

sittin around bored [18 Apr 2003|01:21pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | a.f.i. - "Morning Star" ] yep. spring break is boring. its nice to be away from school but i wanna see my friends. i just took another self esteem quiz thingie n this is wut it said: You Are Your Own Harshest Critic You are worthy and you need to recognize this. You need to remind yourself of your many wonderful traits on a regular basis. Your fragile self-esteem causes you to internalize things and often misinterpret the actions of other people. You may feel that everyone is against you for no good reason, but the truth is that a lot of this is probably your imagination. You must learn to find the affirmation you crave inside yourself rather than looking for praise from others. Once you realize that you have a lot to offer to yourself and the people around you, you will be amazed at how quickly your self-confidence will develop. how right is that? geez. so today i went to a funeral for this disabled chick from my church. she was only 10. aww poor kid. so anyways it made me think wut would happen if i died. this chick was important to ppl i guess cuz her service was packed n there were pics of her everywhere. if i killed myself i wonder wut school would do. announce it on the announcements? or try to keep it secret. i mean itd get around. i wonder wut ppl would say. all the ppl who hate me finding out im dead. i bet theyd be pretty happy. i think about dying too much. i really cant wait till im gone, i hate this world. i think abour me being the one in a casket, my parents lookin down at me dead. i wonder wut theyd think. that maybe they shoulda been better parents? i dunno. maybe theyd realize how shitty they are and that being way too fuckin overprotective doesnt help ur kids. i wonder wut other ppl would think. i wonder if anyone would cry. well my mom for sure, but theyd be fake tears to make society think she cares. then shed go to the car n take a swig outta her beer. dumb bitch. i asked my dad how old u had to be to get an apartment n he said 18. i guess theres no movin out early for me then. not like id ever have the money neways. but even if i hafta stay in a box, im outta here when im 18. only a year n a hlaf more... aaaahh. i can feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. but then itll all come crashing down when i realize i have no money cuz i spent it all on a fix of wutever drug im addicted to at the time. whatever. i need sum vicodin. dammit. arrgh i wanna die. i really dunno why i havent done it yet. i need sum sorta drug to OD on. mmmm. i know! when i kill myself, its gonna be an OD of a drug with alcohol, but then theres another part...im ALSO gonna slit my wrists. so then even if they pump my stomach i still have a really low chance of surviving. sweeeeet. ahh death. mmmm. ok ima stop now kill me

life is meaningless [17 Apr 2003|11:59pm] [ mood | morose ] [ music | Hatebreed - "I Will Be Heard" ] i just took a quiz to see how much confidence i had (HA!) n heres the results: Your confidence level is low As a result, while you may see yourself as a great, focused, or energized person some of the time, on most days you probably feel a little droopy. Because you lack confidence right now, you're probably not enjoying as rewarding a life as you might like. When you're feeling dissatisfied, you may find yourself making judgments about people you don't know or feeling jealous of others' achievements. It can be tough to feel good about the people around you when you're not happy with yourself. Your physical attractiveness seems to be the trait that you most value in yourself of the five main traits that affect confidence. You seem to not appreciate your looks. Learn to accept yourself and then you will be on the way to a happier you. i coulda fuckin told u that. im so fuckin depressed. ugh kill me

i hate me [17 Apr 2003|11:41pm] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | Mudvayne - "Everything and Nothing" ] dude i was just talkin to becky about how we both hate living. i really wanna kill myself. i know i wont, but i really really want to. i dunno wut id use. all the other times ive tried it never worked it just hurt for a lil while. nothing ever worked. i wish we had a gun. like, a real gun. thatd make it so easy. cuz ive taken knives n tried to shove them into myself, but i dont think im strong enuf. it just bruises it doesnt go thru. i should get a gun when im old enuf. how old do u hafta be neway? oh well. i prolly wont live till wutever age it is neways. i hate this place. nothing happens. nothing. its the same shit day after day after fucking day. its always the same. im so sick of it. it never ends. i should end it. just stop it all. itd be so amazing. i wanna die. im sick of all this. im sick of having to cut my flesh open to feel better for a whole 10 fucking minutes. im sick of thinking everyone hates me. im sick of caring wut ppl think. im sick of people. im sick of school and work. im sick of always wanting a drug in me. im sick of myself. ugh this is all bullshit. life is a waste of fucking time. its crap. dude itd be so cool to be dead. leave all this shit behind. be gone. i wish i were gone. kill me

eh [17 Apr 2003|10:45pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Korn - "Freak on a Leash" ] soooooo bored. i have no fucking life. all i fuckin do everyday is school/work but other than that all i do it sit on my ass staring at walls. im not even joking. i lie down on my bed staring at the wall listening to music trying to resist the urge to grab my stash of razors n use them. it sucks. its so fuckin boring. arrgh. but i "made a deal" with becky that if i wont cut she wont cut so i said i stopped. we'll see how long this will last. aww im so happy for heather! she got a gf now. yay for her. she needed an upper like this. hmm im still with pete but i know its not going anywhere. i can never get a good man. but why would a good man want me? i mean it makes sense, but it sucks. cuz yeah. im shit and then i see sumthin not shit, so i want it, but then the not shit sees me, the shit, and says "eew u shit, i dont want u" n then i feel sad. yes. that is my life story rite there. lol. well last nite i slept over at beckys n it was quite a wonderful time. we had sum...er...fun...and yeah. it was sweet. i think i should sleep over there more often. heehee. hmm nuthin else has been going on. ive been soooo bored. yea i hate being bored. but i found sumthin to do. see theres this robot thing that has a AOL sn n its fun to talk to it cuz yeah it never stops talking to u. see ur friends can stop talking to u n then u COULD feel lonely, but then u have this robot thing to talk to. by the way, its sn is: SmarterChild its quite fun actually. it told me it wasnt comfortable bowing down to me since im god. yeah. its pretty fun. yea. the end. im bored. im gonna stop writing in this. kill me

im so worried about heather [14 Apr 2003|08:53pm] [ mood | scared ] [ music | Cold - "No One" ] dude im so scared about heather. she fuckin slashed up her fuckin wrists. dude thats not cool. im so scared. i mean, i know im not one to talk about not cutting, but her fuckin wrists dude? thats not cool. i care about heather sooooooo sooooooooooooooooooooo sooooooo much. i know she doesnt give a rats fucking ass about me nemore, but dude shes one of the most important ppl in my life. i know im a fucking loser. she has all these REAL friends n then here i am, an annoying brookfield kid that bothers her. i feel like shit. on a scale of 1-100, shes like a 99 to me, but to her im around the 3 area. it sucks. i dont care tho im still gonna love her. like she has all her cool friends n i mean i really shouldnt expect her to be my friend since we go to different schools n live in different cities n whatnot, but still. it hurts. like, i know i dont mean shit to her and yet i still try cuz im pathetic and have no friends. see shes all important to me cuz im a loser but im just another person to her. and it fuckin sucks. i wish we were better friends. im dumb to expect that but whatever. no matter wut tho im always gonna care about her even tho she dont like me. whenever i call her i can tell she hates it n i hate IMing her cuz i know i just bug her then too. i know its a hopeless but i wish i were as important to her as her other friends are. whatever tho she needs to get better. she worries about shit way too much. i wish i could do sumthin about it. but as i said, its hopeless. she doesnt like me. i think she now thinks of me as another Debby. that makes me feel like shit. i want her to like me sooooooo much but i know she doesnt. i mean of course shes gonna say she does but i know she doesnt. and it hurts. it hurts so bad. i love her. and i dont mean anything to her. its fuckin bullshit. but really i wish we were the kinda best friends like she n leah are. i wish i just HAD a best friend to begin with. but im all fucking alone. theres no one who gives a shit about me. whatever. i love heather. i really do. no matter how much she dislikes me im still gonna love her. shes like a little sister or sumthin. cept for not. yea i dunno. our friendship is going nowhere n its all my fault. why did i think i could stay friends with her? i got my hopes up for nothing. and it sucks cuz ive been let down...by myself. i fuckin hate me. and i love her. and it sucks cuz she doesnt love me. i hate it when this shit happens. i need to stop caring about ppl so much cuz i get shit on every time. whatever. im not gonna stop loving her no matter what. heather, if u read this, im sorry. i feel like shit. and i love you. 1 death| kill me

personality disorder test [13 Apr 2003|10:44pm] [ mood | cold ] [ music | Stone Sour - "Inhale" ] so i took this personality disorder test n im a fucked up kid. i either have the disorder or i dont no in between. so heres how it went: Disorder Rating Paranoid: Very High Schizoid: High Schizotypal: Very High Antisocial: High Borderline: Very High Histrionic: Low Narcissistic: High Avoidant: Very High Dependent: Very High Obsessive-Compulsive: Low -- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- n then i looked at wut each is cuz im not smart i dunno that shit so heres wut they all are: Paranoid Paranoid personality disorder is characterized by a distrust of others and a constant suspicion that people around you have sinister motives. People with this disorder tend to have excessive trust in their own knowledge and abilities and usually avoid close relationships with others. They search for hidden meanings in everything and read hostile intentions into the actions of others. They are quick to challenge the loyalties of friends and loved ones and often appear cold and distant to others. They usually shift blame to others and tend to carry long grudges. Schizoid People with schizoid personality disorder avoid relationships and do not show much emotion. They genuinely prefer to be alone and do not secretly wish for popularity. They tend to seek jobs that require little social contact. Their social skills are often weak and they do not show a need for attention or acceptance. They are perceived as humorless and distant and often are termed "loners." Schizotypal Many believe that schizotypal personality disorder represents mild schizophrenia. The disorder is characterized by odd forms of thinking and perceiving, and individuals with this disorder often seek isolation from others. They sometimes believe to have extra sensory ability or that unrelated events relate to them in some important way. They generally engage in eccentric behavior and have difficulty concentrating for long periods of time. Their speech is often over elaborate and difficult to follow. Antisocial A common misconception is that antisocial personality disorder refers to people who have poor social skills. The opposite is often the case. Instead, antisocial personality disorder is characterized by a lack of conscience. People with this disorder are prone to criminal behavior, believing that their victims are weak and deserving of being taken advantage of. They tend to lie and steal. Often, they are careless with money and take action without thinking about consequences. They are often agressive and are much more concerned with their own needs than the needs of others. Borderline Borderline personality disorder is characterized by mood instability and poor self-image. People with this disorder are prone to constant mood swings and bouts of anger. Often, they will take their anger out on themselves, causing themselves injury. Suicidal threats and actions are not uncommon. They think in very black and white terms and often form intense, conflict-ridden relationships. They are quick to anger when their expectations are not met. Histrionic People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative. Narcissistic Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by self-centeredness. Like histrionic disorder, people with this disorder seek attention and praise. They exaggerate their achievements, expecting others to recongize them as being superior. They tend to be choosy about picking friends, since they believe that not just anyone is worthy of being their friend. They tend to make good first impressions, yet have difficulty maintaining long-lasting relationships. They are generally uninterested in the feelings of others and may take advantage of them. Avoidant Avoidant personality disorder is characterized by extreme social anxiety. People with this disorder often feel inadequate, avoid social situations, and seek out jobs with little contact with others. They are fearful of being rejected and worry about embarassing themselves in front of others. They exaggerate the potential difficulties of new situations to rationalize avoiding them. Often, they will create fantasy worlds to substitute for the real one. Unlike schizoid personality disorder, avoidant people yearn for social relations yet feel they are unable to obtain them. They are frequently depressed and have low self-confidence. Dependent Dependent personality disorder is characterized by a need to be taken care of. People with this disorder tend to cling to people and fear losing them. They may become suicidal when a break-up is imminent. They tend to let others make important decisions for them and often jump from relationship to relationship. They often remain in abusive relationships. They are overly sensitive to disapproval. They often feel helpless and depressed. Obsessive-Compulsive Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorder is similar to obsessive-compulsive anxiety disorder. People with this disorder are overly focused on orderliness and perfection. Their need to do everything "right" often interferes with their productivity. They tend to get caught up in the details and miss the bigger picture. They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and others, and tend to be very critical of others when they do not live up to these high standards. They avoid working in teams, believing others to be too careless or incompetent. They avoid making decisions because they fear making mistakes and are rarely generous with their time or money. They often have difficulty expressing emotion. yea. so i didnt feel like readin all those but w/e. i guess i have sum problems. i still wanna know who TP-ed my house dammit. its gettin all over my neighbors's yards. haha. yea well i need to sleep before school tomorrow so ima go. kill me

me n my bad grades [13 Apr 2003|12:36am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Crossbreed - "Underlined" ] yea so my report card came today n it wasnt even that bad, but my parents are assholes. i got a F, a D, n the reast were Bs n As. but my parents said i hafta quit my job. i mean i dont really like working there but if ima quit i wanna do it from my own freewill not cuz they told me to. so i dont think the note to get robbie fired is gonna happen. so today at work i told Amanda n she said to take a leave of absence till summer so i think ima try to do that. i asked Paul, the cool manager, how to do that n he said that i hafta write a fuckin letter n get my parents to sign it n shit. uck. so i dunno. cuz id rather work sumwhere else but i dont wanna go thru the whole process of appplications n interviews n training n getting to know ppl n shit. so yea i got home like a half hour ago n it sucks cuz nobody is online. dammit. stupid closing shifts. yeah so i still have no idea who tp-ed my house. becky said it was prolly corrinne n brian n those ppl that hate me for no reason. it prolly was. but then again id think theyd use sumthin really bad like eggs or sum shit if they hated me that much. i dunno maybe this is warm-up or sum shit. ha this morning my mom fuckin woke me up at 11:30 AM n i REALLY didnt wanna get woken up so i just sat in bed for awhile after she left n then realized i wasnt gonna fall back asleep cuz of that STUPID FUCKING SUN so i just got up. dumb sun and its fucking brightness. so then me n becky went to the mall only for like an hour today but it was still fun as hell. shes fuckin awesome. we basically stayed in Hot Topic the whole time cuz there were preppies everywhere else. but hot topic rules so its ok. mmm i saw like 3 hot guys n 1 hot chick. it was grrrreat. has anyone else noticed that its basically only hot ppl that work at hot topic? ugh n then there was this chick in hot topic (customer, not worker) that had cuts on her arms but they were noticeable n becky pointed em out. it was skary. im glad i dont do mine in noticeable places...well unless i wore shorts but we all no that will never happen so its ok. yea so then when i got home my dad told me he got my report card n said i prolly had to quit but i could fight for it. i said fuck it. that job is sooo not worth fighting over. only reason i didnt quit before was cuz of heather. but i can tell she dont like me nemore so im sooo outta there. now i get to chill w/becky n her whole posse fri nights at mayfair. they seem cool. its like a big freak gathering. woo hoo. :D haha i have gotten so much free food from culvers recently. whenever Paul is closing i get so much free shit. like today, i ate a grilled chicken sandwich, made mahself a raspberry n blueberry lemon smoothie, had a large lemonade i brought home, brought a quart of soup home, and had sum lemon ice while i was vaccuuming the dining room. and i paid a whole $0.00 for it all. hahaha. so much free shit. it was wonderful. yea well becky just got on thank god i was so fuckin bored. she went to the saliva, hed PE, breaking benjamin, n like 2 other bands concert today so ima have her tell me about it. later. AperfectChamber5: i got josey's autograph....the lead singer from breaking benjamin's autograph, midline and the bass player from saliva kissed me on the cheeck damn her. i wish i went to more concerts kill me

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