Drew Jacob's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Drew Jacob

[ website | Iris kills the cornea ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
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[05 Mar 2004|10:03pm]
okay. God i am here. why. why do you do these things to me. i am trying to remain faithful. its hard. i try so hard to do good, but all this pain is smashed upon me. i bear it proudly, but why. why. why.
shared

[23 Feb 2004|03:21pm]
lauren, i wish i could explain what i mean. im sorry. i wish i had the time to just sit down and have a full conversation with you. i would love to do that sometime. but i dont have words. im sorry
2 wisdom|shared

[19 Feb 2004|09:48pm]
somebody sing me the rainbow connection. please. somebody sing to me. somebody look at me and just understand whats wrong and fix it. that is what i want for a birthday present. to be rid of the things that haunt me. to be rid of this disease i have infected myself with. i am a happy person. just not all the time. face the facts drew you are going nowhere. I AM A FAILURE. ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. ALWAYS WILL BE. I AM AT ZERO.
4 wisdom|shared

[19 Feb 2004|09:39pm]
i am crying. and i cant stop. i am dying. and i cant stop. i am so confused. i am so lost. life is spinning. HERE I AM. no not never nothing something one thing this thing existance=death. dont wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww i hate myself wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww dont get me wrong. i am so happy for lauren and david. i can see it in their faces. they are happy. they have something special and they know it and they are happy. and that makes me happy. but i cant help but feel all of the sudden like i am THERE ARE NO WORDS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE MYSELF I HATE THIS WORLD I HATE LIFE I HATE EVERYTHING. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS. i feel like i should leave lauren be, not talk to her because i dont want to make her sad. im sorry. IM SORRY IM SORRY IAHTAHEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII what is happening.?.? i am misery incarnate.
1 wisdom|shared

[04 Feb 2004|08:25pm]
i feel far away. from a friend. from a very close friend. and i hate it. and i hate it. and i hate it. i just made this friend this year and we have grown so close. and now i feel distant.
1 wisdom|shared

[04 Feb 2004|04:21pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

i am broken

shared

[04 Feb 2004|04:19pm]
the few times that i do sleep, i sleep in a ball curled up and hugging my legs to my body, and i pretend i am being hugged by someone who loves me. i sleep in the fetal position for security. i lie to myself and say that these arent my arms around me.
shared

[04 Feb 2004|04:13pm]
weeping willow, cry for me, my epitome, i am nothing more than misery, siren please sing to me, take my mind off of everything i will never be, why cant i just be, a child of normalcy, oh sweet death, take my life from me, end this horrid tyranny, rid myself from this body, somebody please set me free, [liberate me]
shared

[29 Jan 2004|07:33pm]
i have been seperated from the world and i hate it. all these things have happened this week and i had no idea about them. lauren seems to have had a really crummy week and i knew nothing about it and i did nothing to help her and i am so sorry. i am a horrible friend. lauren please forgive me.
1 wisdom|shared

there are two trees [26 Jan 2004|02:39pm]
there are two trees. an oak, strong and mighty, and a weeping willow, weak and miserable. guess which one i am.
5 wisdom|shared

they just tell you that you need sleep [26 Jan 2004|10:25am]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | dizzie gelespsie ]

its a waste of time. i dont need it. i am practicing. growing stronger. slowly able to go longer and longer without it. i still cant break the barrier of going a whole week without it. think of all i could get done during that wasted time. think of it. think of all the problems i could solve.


last night i couldnt find any of my jackets. but i didnt care. i had to go for a walk. i had to. i could stay in this house any longer. this isnt a house, it is an edifice, a simple building. this is not my home. it was freezing. i couldnt feel anything. but i didnt care. the numbness took away the angriness. i looked up and i couldnt see the moon. i missed it. but i saw a thousand dying souls falling at me. and i couldnt save them. i couldnt save them. snow is God's dandruff. do you still want to play in it?

1 wisdom|shared

My Heart Beats In Breakdowns by:Evergreen terrace [24 Jan 2004|11:06pm]
Busted scars cut wide open.
Bleeding hearts drip to the floor.
Waiting tender touches to heal unseen wounds.
The brightest eyes can see right through me.
Only her eyes are the remedy.
Exit anger through affetion.
Exit through my finger tips.
Exit anger through addiction.
Exiting to your finger tips.
Trying hard to reach out and touch what's too far away.
Distance will be the death for me.
Replacement comes in the form of dreams.

............................
this is how i feel. i broke down. everything, the whole world came crashing down on me tonight. i cant breathe, not that i wont too, i am holding my breath until i die.
1 wisdom|shared

[24 Jan 2004|10:43pm]
within every second their is a moment reserved where my body stops. nothing is metabolized, no breath is inhaled or exhaled, no muscles are contracted, no blood is pumped. all my energy, every single cell in my body pauses and thinks of lara dietz, and how much i love her, and how perfect she is. sixty times a minute. 3600 times an hour. 86400 times a day. 604800 times a week. 31449600 times a year. but that is not enough. but any more would make me die, and i am sorry lara, but i can only love you this much, and no more, but if i could, know that i would. oh angel know that i would.
shared

i may just quit [23 Jan 2004|11:16pm]
i may just quit
2 wisdom|shared

this is no cake walk, honey. [23 Jan 2004|10:57pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

so here i am. i am here. and you are there, wherever there may be for you while you sit and read the nonsensical ramblings of an isane fifteen year old. sometimes i wish that i could just hold me head high, look people in the eye. sometimes i wish i didnt mumble and slur everything and look at my feet and nervously bounce and avoid social situations. sometimes i wish i was one of the guys that girls went head over heels for. sometimes i wish i wasnt given the task of feeling for the world, given the task of writing. a poet must feel for the world and express it back to it. it is pain. i have chosen it. and i do not bear it as a burden. as a challenge, perhaps, but through it something good may yet come. from all the stress i place on myself to never let a single thing pass me by will repay....not me, but the world. they wonder why i have bad grades..........because i hate the memorization of facts, I WANT TO BE TAUGHT KNOWLEDGE. they cram pills down my throat (i hate medicines.......i hate the fact that i am not normal without medication) so that i can pay more attention. I AM PAYING ATTENTION! MORE ATTENTION THAN YOU COULD EVER COMPREHEND! THAT IS WHY I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP AT NIGHT THAT IS WHY I AM QUIET! i am not a poet. no. i write poetry. i am not a poet. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS TO TRY TO TAKE THE WORLD'S PAIN AND MAKE IT INTO YOUR OWN SO THAT YOU CAN PUT IT INTO WORDS FOR ABOUT FIVE PEOPLE TO READ? do you know how bad it hurts me?

1 wisdom|shared

i dont know..... [22 Jan 2004|03:50pm]
hell. i dont know. i am anxious. for something. anything. no, not anything. i am anxious, for something, but not anything. i am anxious for something that i dont know. i dont know..... lately, i have found it almost hard to breathe, like all this pressure is weighing me down, but what pressure and where is it coming from? well i do. its from myself. i think. i dont know, maybe its not. i dont know........ i wish i were funny and nice and kind and not shy and handsome and talented and everything i am not which is quite a lot. no i dont wish that. i wish nothing. wishes are lies. dreams are lies. except for a few. some are not lies. some have come true. i have my heros. i have those people who i admire, who i look up to..............these are who they are:

Lara Dietz
Lauren Singer
Andrew Ballowe
James Monaco
Al Slotnick
Jessica Quick
Dani
Britt Raizor
John Lennon
Saul Williams
Jorge Luis Borges
Emily Dickenson
David Eggers
Kurt Vonnegutt Jr.
J.D. Salinger
Stephen Chbosky
4 wisdom|shared

you all get angry at me when i say that i am nothing. [21 Jan 2004|07:43pm]
what am i then? you tell me i do good things, that i am a good friend. what good things have this soul done, how can a man like me be a friend? who am i? am i the blured body in your eyes as i pass by in the halls? am i always on your mind? have i hurt you? i have i helped you? have i never even met you? i have no idea who i am. everything i think i am, i am not. everything i hope to be, i will not. everything i will never be, will be me, and that is all, and that is all.
3 wisdom|shared

"stars" by: The appleseed cast [21 Jan 2004|07:39pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | appleseed cast ]

sing loud.
the stars laughed.
sweet sound oh sweet sound
i finally understand you were with me

shared

i am here [19 Jan 2004|05:21pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

i am here. i am nowhere. everytime i inhale, i breathe in every single word, wail, whimper, whisper, song, or sight that has ever slipped between a person's lips during their time here, on this earth. every time i close my eyes, an angel dies in silence. life.................if the task at hand wasnt so intimidating, i think i would laugh at it, and walk away. your life is infinitly long and so very very short. it is as long as you could possibly ever know, and it shorter than you will ever be able to comprehend. the worse part about it is, no one will remember you forty years after you pass. i wish i were an atom. not a mass of atoms. just one. i think then, i would be content with who i am, because i am a vital part of something, and without me, whatever i was a part of would be lacking something. but im not. im just me, and the world is no different with or with out me. poof im born. poof im dead. within that past sentance was the unabridged version of my entire life. ive done a lot havent i? poof the world is created. poof everything that ever was, is now no longer, and nothing else will ever be again.

when you are asleep, you are beautiful. the human body at sleep is ideal, in every way possible.........i wish i were asleep.

1 wisdom|shared

what the hell is wrong with me [19 Jan 2004|01:21pm]
last night, i was reading the perks of being a wallflower again, and like i just started crying. not normal crying, this was terrorfied, absolute hysterics, cant breathe, cant see, just wanting not to exist type of crying. i was scared that all these friends that i have suddenly found beside me this year, will be gone one day. i am terrorfied at the thought that in two more years, i will be done with high school, and all these people that i am finally starting to feel comfortable around will just be gone.....i wil be thrust into some place far away that i wont know, forced to room with a total stranger, who will have to put up with me having nightmares every night, and me crying myself to sleep....because that is what i do. i cry myself to sleep. how else would one get to sleep? i wouldnt know. ive never done it any other way. most of the time i dont even sleep. i say that i have better things to do, like save the world. but i dont save the world. i just cry and walk around the city. but that is not what was wrong. the world is wrong, but that didnt bother me last night. my lack of love for my friends bothered me. they give me so much and all i ever do is take what they give and beg for more. i am a selfish bastard and i do not deserve their love
5 wisdom|shared

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