Friends Blurty for unsent letters.
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| Sunday, July 6th, 2008 |
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I woke up this morning around 8 am. I was laying there debating on what I was going to do. My daughter came in and laid beside me. It hit me like a tun of bricks. I asked her if she wanted to go to the lake. It was a pretty day, not to hot and no rain. She wanted to go. She wanted to go to church also but she said we can go next week. We don't have many days available to go to the lake. We piled everything in the truck and headed out. I called a friend on the way. she wanted to go. So we ran by there to pick her up along with her two girls. Well then her brother in law wanted to go. So he drove his truck with his two kids. Wow we had 7 kids going. We got there and unloaded. Milo also went with us. We all swam and played chicken fight. We had a ball. Milo didn't care to much for the water so I put him on a surf board. Now that he liked just as long as I didn't put him in the water. One thing is my friend and her BIL didn't bring food. I am so glad I brought enough. I know those kids would be starving. So next time she is bringing the food. So we all headed home about 3pm. If I went alone I would have stayed all day. But that is ok. 10-3 is enough. MAG slept all the way home. I observed some behavior things out of KC that I didn't like. so needless to say I had to have another talk with her. There was a 17 year boy that came. She was all over him. I told her harshly to get off. she knew I meant business. then she started flirting with 2 15 year old. Turns out she ended up giving her cell phone # to them. I waited till we got home to have the talk. She said oh crap another talk. I was firm with her. I told her I will refuse to sit around and watch her act like that again. if she wants to stay at home at all times then this will happen. If I can't trust her to act like a lady when I am with her then I can't trust her to act like a lady when she isn't with me. I fI hear of it or see it again I will be her worst enemy. I know she has friends but that is all these boys will be. I will send her butt to juvy in a heart beat. plus I will press charges on these boys. I mean business. She can learn from this or she can start hating me. If she starts hating me then all heck will brake lose and her life will be hell because I refuse to back down. only time will tell if my talks work. Other than that our trip went fine. Oh my MIL didn't call. Now that is unusual for her not to call with MAG is here with just me. MG must have called her and told her he is fine not to call. Because by now she would have called a million times. OR she might think it isn't best to call after the blow out. Who only knows. I am just glad she didn't because I would have had to put my foot down once again. Thank you for such a wonderful day. Now I am ending this day with a nice bath, dinner, and a good movie!! |
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| I don't know if this feeling is a phase or not, but I fear that I have nothing interesting to say... | ||||
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| Saturday, July 5th, 2008 |
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Ah hmm... I do not even know what to say regarding the whole Zac situation I've got going on here. I like him, as I've stated numerous times before... but I'm not down to just be with someone and have it be a waste of time. I think it was last night he was asking me if I wanted to be serious with him, and then asked me what would happen if he told me that he didn't want to be serious but that he wanted me. So rather than that being interpreted as just a hypothetical question, I'm going to take it as more like a statement. He obviously isn't looking for something serious. I'm not looking for something too serious and defined as so right off the bat or anything, but I also don't want to get myself intertwined in something that will knowingly get me no where from the start of it all. I mean... I don't even know what I mean. It's so obvious that we're not going to turn in to anything serious... I just have to decide if it's worth the time and emotion to deal with something like that. It's crazy... I was chillin at his house today and this chick Katie was over there. She likes him and has for a while. I didn't really think anything of it. I'm not going to lie, it did get to me a little bit with her playing with his hair and what not, but I just walked away from it. Anywho, later that night I was sitting outside on his steps by myself looking up at the clouds and watching the lightening strike between them and above the trees. Zac comes out there and starts telling me about how he was in there with Katie asking her what he had to do for a cigarette, and she had told him to just talk to her or something, and how he'd ended up grabbing her and how when he'd done that my bud Brittany asked him where I was. So, thats when he came out looking for me. What a fucking dumbass. Why would he tell me that shit? I don't know if he was trying to piss me off, but if thats what he was aiming for... mission accomplished. I didn't respond with aggitation towards him or anything, but boy does it piss me off thinking about it. It just made me think WHAT THE FUCK? I'm not around for all of 30 minutes, still at his house of course, and he ups and takes the opportunity to be grabbing some other chick? In front of my closest friends too. What kind of dumbass does that make me out to be? Oii... I'm getting more and more pissed off thinking about it like this. Point taken I guess... nippin the seriousness in the butt. I'm droppin it. He talks about being with me and how much he likes me and then goes back and disrespects me and brings the disrespect to my attention? He didn't even think anything of it. fuck it. It's obviously not worth my time, nor my emotion. fuck it. fuck it. fuuuccckkkk it. I can't even think of anything else to say... even though there's so much more I want to say. |
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| do you have a livejournal.com account? if so how well do you like it | ||||||
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| I walked 3.2 miles today. I feel better since walking BUT my feet hurt. KC has been after me for a while to walk with her. she begged from the time we started if we could walk the entire 3 mile circle around out house. I hadn't planned on walking the entire circle. Well we made it half way. She started complaining she can't make it. We should call dad to come and get us. So I called. Sure enough he was going to stop playing his game and come and get us. haha. I told him no we were fine. She wanted to walk it that is what we will do. We finally made it home. I think we will walk it again tomorrow. | ||||||
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| Our grocery store had coke products on sale this weekend. My daughter was putting up all the cokes. She laid out 100 coke cans on the table. Took a picture. Then she said she was going to build a pyramid with 100 coke cans. I didn't stop her. I love the way she uses her imagination to do things. My step son doesn't know how to do this. Anyway.. she built a small one. Took a picture. then she sat and tried to figure out how to build one using all the cans. Then behold she got up and started putting the pyramid together. you could it wasn't sturdy. I took a picture really fast. she began taking down each can. Guess what?? They ALL fell. ALL 100 cans went everywhere. Well guess what else happened?? Some busted open. Coke was going everywhere!! You could see the stream going to the ceiling. MG and MAG got up and looked to see what happened. KC and I couldn't stop laughing. MG was so mad. I told him just to go back to his game and let me handle this. I laughed till I can't laugh any more. She is now in there cleaning up the mess. I didn't get mad. I thought the whole thing was funny. I asked her what did she learn out of this?? She said "Cokes will explode." | ||||||||
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| No matter how overwhelming the task in front of you, remember you have the same 24 hours as George Bush has today and Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison, Leonardo da Vinci and many other big producers had before. The answer may well be in how well we use those same hours using basically the same golden rules of time management like planning, prioritizing, delegating, dividing big task into smaller ones, measuring progress, etc. | ||||
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| Remove the stinger first by scraping it away with a dull blade, then grab an Alka-Seltzer tablet, moisten it slightly, let it fizz and apply it to the sting. The fizzing process allows both substances to travel beneath the skin providing immediate relief. Alka-Seltzer contains baking soda, which reduces inflammation and aspiring, which relieves pain. | ||||
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Let's Pray Sweet Father, I pray that You will give me the discernment to hear Your voice in my life. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, please make clear to me what I need to sacrifice in order to be in Your perfect will. Thank You for Your hands of protection that cover me when I'm ministering and catch me when I'm spent. I pray You will be honored in my life as I seek to take up my cross daily and follow You. In Jesus' Name, Amen |
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Feeling as though I'm about to go crazy, I lose myself into a happy state, feeling the blood run. Then I ask myself, when will I die? This question bothers me so, why is everything so fucking hard? You provoke this dark side of me. The tears run as long as the blood does. Once dried it begins to turn brown upon my skin, and my eyes burn like acid. My veins run cold, and my eyes empty. Lifeless to those who find me. I can see you standing there, I'm not dead yet. I know everything that's going on, I'm in my final state now. Once my eyes close it's over. Scream for me! Say that you want me! Say that you love me! SAVE ME!!! Everything is begging to fade, take my hand now. I'm screaming in my head for you to not let go, for I will die without you. I'm so broken, you're my strength. Pick me up again, and I promise not to fail again. To close this time, to deep. To loud is my heart beat in my ears from fear. I'm truly sorry for all the stupid shit I've done. It's getting cold now, your hand is so warm touching mine. Please, dont cry. I really did try. I'm sorry, I love you! |
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| Friday, July 4th, 2008 |
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What ever words I say I will always love you. |
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| my SIL called and asked how to do something on windows media. She was trying to put music on Morgan's mp3 player. Well the mp3 player he has is different. so I headed over to explain how to do it. Well her music from Limewire wasn't going to her media player. I worked on it. Anyway I got passed that part, letting her know I don't know why it won't BUT if we do it this way then we can download music to his mp3. she had to do it this different way in order to work anyway. Well this is what Morgan said. His grandmother won't let him bring the mp3 to my house (where the file is on my computer and I know how to download music on his mp3) because I WAS the one that broke the first one. He said he told her I wasn't the one that broke it. It was the volume control that wouldn't work any more. Not the music. I was so mad. For her to tell a 9 year child that I broke something of his was a lie. To talk to Morgan as if I was a dog made me so mad. I got up and told Stacie I wasn't able to do anything. If Jennie thinks I broke the first one then I shouldn't be touching this one. I got home and told MG that I was mad and what was said. Well he said for me to tell Jennie. Call her and tell her. Don't wait for her to call me. So that is exactly what I did. I was nervous. My hands were shaking. My heart was pounding. When she picked up the phone I told her she hurt my feelings by telling a 9 year old child that I broke his mp3 when it was a lie. She said she didn't say that. Morgan' Lied. She hung up on me. I called right back. I told her I went over Stacie's house to download music and show her how but something wasn't working on the limewire part. But since she told that lie and won't let Morgan bring the mp3 here now he doesn't have any music. And she hurt my feelings telling her grandchild a lie about me. She was wrong. I hung up on her. I didn't want to hear her explanations. I didn't want to hear her mouth at all. My hands were shaking so bad that I couldn't even open a gallon of milk. Then Marty said what did she say. Like he really cared what she said. I told him what exactly was said. I also told him it isn't right for her to talk about me and put kids in the middle. If she hates me that is fine. I don't care but don't put kids in the middle. Kelsey said Mom it will be ok. I told her I know it will be ok. Because now she knows she can't just talk about me the way she does to you kids and get away with it. I really really can't stand that woman. It is about time I stood up for myself. No need of waiting on others to do my dirty work. She will know for now on that I won't be talk about like that and I won't be run over. | ||||||||
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Stars are like people. Just because they appear to emerge from the same point doesn't mean they do. This is an illusion of perspective created by distance. Not all families manage to hold it together, everyone moves in different directions. That we all emerge from the same point is a misconception, to travel in different directions is the very nature of every being and every existing thing. |
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| Ok the cord I spoke about earlier. Well it didn't work worth a flip. I guess because it is an old cord. So last night while I was at walmart I bought a small speaker box for the same price of a cord. Now this morning when I plug my mp3 into it, it turns out one of the speakers doesn't work. So now I have to take it back tonight when I head down the mountain. I really hate when that happens. I hate taking anything back. But I will this because I won't both speakers to work | ||||||
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| HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!! | ||||||||
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wow. I'm still trippin over zac. I really like him. I try to tell him that and let him know. He told me today that he thinks that I'm only with him because I just want to be with someone. Which is crazy. I try to show him that I really care about him. I just want him to believe that. I want him to believe that I care enough to want to make him happy, to hold him when he needs it most, and to try my best to kiss all his pain away. I want to do that for him, does that not show that I care? He says that I make him feel good, and that I make him happy... how could I do that if I just touched him senselessly? I touch him with passion. I know so because I can feel it when I touch him. I haven't been like that with someone since... gerry. Its been a long time. When I lay with him, it makes me feel good to hear his heart beat while my head rests on his chest. Its soothing to me for some reason. Thats another thing I haven't felt since Gerry. I remember laying with Brian and it was never that way with him. I tell Zac how much I care, but for some reason he just doesn't believe me. He was telling me today that he didn't even think that I liked him. I don't even know what to tell the man after hearing something like that. I tell him on almost on a daily basis that I like him and that I want to be with him and only him. He doesn't even believe that. He keeps telling me that he's scared that someone is going to take me from him. It's too crazy. I want him to believe me. I can tell that he's been hurt in the past, just by the way he looks at relationships and everything that comes with them. He keeps comparing me to all his past relationships and the only thing that I can think to tell him is that I'm not like those other girls he's been with. Oy... I just wish he could see that, or even just let himself believe it. I wouldn't hurt him. If anything I'm scared that he's going to end up hurting me. He's told me numerous times that he always ends up doing something that fucks everything up. I'm the same way, and when I tell the guys that I'm with about it, I always do end up fucking it up. But I haven't told him that. The fact that he's telling me that makes me think that he will end up fucking it up, just as I always do. I hope he doesn't because I want to be there for him and I want to be with him. It frustrates me. I find myself always wanting to say so much to him... but the trouble with that is: I don't know what to say and if I did I wouldn't know how to say it. Hmm. I wish he'd just let himself open up to me and the idea of us actually having something of worth. I want that to happen but I can't do it by myself. I can't make him do anything... all I can do is tell him what I think and try my best to prove all his beliefs wrong. The other night... he was all fucked up on zannys and clops and liquior. He ended up calling me at like 4 in the morning and we were talking. He told me that night to stay with him and not to leave him. I know he cares about me, at least a little bit. He told me earlier today that I was the only thing that made him really happy. He scares me though... he's really depressed despite his willingness to admit it. He drinks and does pills almost on a daily basis just to make it go away. Thats what we were talking about when he was asking me to stay with him. I tried to tell him that he was so much better than that, that he could do so much better than that. I'm not sure if he even remembers me saying that. It's crazy... I'm so happy when he's in my arms because thats when I know that he's okay. Last night I was so stressed out because he'd been drinking and was on pills and ended up wandering off down Cherry Rd. It took me hours to find him, and I was on the verge of a break down the entire time. He worries the hell out of me. I just want him to be okay and I want him to be happy. |
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| Thursday, July 3rd, 2008 |
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| Kc is going throught this stage of really wanting privacy. she gets aggravated when i ask her what she is doing. she is taking attention to herself more. this is all good but I feel as though she is pulling away from me. I guess this has to happen but I don't have to like it. She is all i have. She is my only child. | ||||||
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| I have colored my hair. It looks good. I don't have time to fix it right now but when I do I will post on myspace and flickr. | ||||||
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| You never tell the last of a dying breed, "I told you so". | ||||
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| You never tell the last of a dying breed, "I told you so". | ||||
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I just rose for the day. The past few nights I have slept so well. Kind of like snug in a rug!! I love those nights. Today I plan on cleaning my office and working on school work then going to work tonight. |
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i saw msi with phil tonight, got knocked in the back of the head and got to meet jimmy urine. fun! he and his wife are cute (she came onstage to sing with him during one song). and of course, lyn-z was gorgeous, although i didn't get to see much of her since i was on the other side of the crowd. i only need $35 more for my camera. i think i'll be getting it next week! :) bedtime now. today was grand. |
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| Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008 |
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There's nothing wrong with my life but yet I seem to be upset. I don't know if it's because I think of the past or not, but it's good for me now. WHy do I still feel this saddness that is still so strong inside of me. My past comes to haunt me all the time. It'll just hit me one day, or I'll just be reminded of it somehow. It's like sometimes I feel as though i have to bleed in order to know that I'm alive, to know that it's real. Just to know that everything that's around me is reality, and not only a dream. A pinch will not due. |
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I have been at this computer enough today. I have found my topic for my power point presentation and checked my emails and now my neck is hurting so it is time to pull away till tomorrow. I feel like I have accomplished something today. I got my house cleaned and worked on my school work, wrote a pen pal back and now going to watch a movie. Good day for me. |
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i love how good buying a cute new dress feels. msi tonight! i shall be leaving shortly. :)...i really don't want to stand through julien-k and the birthday massacre, but whatever. i'm very thirsty. |
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Ok now get this....I didn't work last weekend. So we are out $192. My money buys the grocery. Ok well my husband got paid his long week. Yes 250 went into the bank to pay the bills. He has $120 left. guess what? We have barely anything to eat. I asked him early what does he want me to go to town to pick up to eat (at the grocery store) he said he had no money. He had 100 to pay for a hood for his fucking car and only 20 let for the rest of the week. Well what the heck are we going to eat till then? that makes me so mad |
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| i just sat outside to write a letter. I only wrote front and back of one page and I got to hot. I should have moved to the shade but just decided to come inside and finish writing. | ||||||
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| if anyone out there knows anything about getting paid to blog? and if so how does it work | ||||||
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| How long are my kids going to sleep. It is 1010 right now and they are still soundly sleeping. | ||||||
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I am tickled pink. I found a cord to go to my little speaker box that connects to my mp3 player. I was borrowing the kids when they weren't using it. That didn't go over to well with them. they always had to hunt what I did with it. well now we all three have one!! At least this is the first positive thing that has happened today. I know I still have most of the day to go (it is 930am) but I have already had two negative things to happen. So I need two more positive so I will have more positive than negative. |
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| I am cleaning out the front porch. Something I didn't intend on doing today but I am. I came across a Miss Peggy doll. I was throwing away a lot of toys and junk that was out there but I just can't seem to toss Miss Peggy in the trash or in the give away pile. I just can't. I love Miss Peggy when I was growing up. I thought she was the grandest thing. I love the way she took pride in who she was. My daughter reminds me a lot of Miss Peggy. No she isn't fat and all but just the way she acts. she always has pride in herself. So now the question is since I can't put her in either pile where will I put here?? | ||||||
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I woke up this morning and went to see what my husband was doing. I found him where i always find him, playing his game. I asked what happened last night. I know I fell asleep but I fell asleep with the tv on and the lights on so he would know to wake me up. We had been talking all day about having another session like we did the night before. His reply was "I was mad." I asked why. "He wanted tea last night and there was none. I wouldn't get up and make any. Kelsey wouldn't make any either." I just walked out of the room. I can't believe he wouldn't make love to me because I didn't make him any tea. Sometimes I wonder why I am even here. |
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i try to be there for people and they don't take me up on my offer, i guess. i don't know what's wrong with me that they don't want to. i don't know....maybe it's weird because i'm one to talk about all my feelings and problems and they don't? i just wish i could be their best friends again. i miss it. i miss them. i just want honesty. fuck going to the insurance job today. i'm tired and now i probably won't be able to get back to sleep. i loved wall-e. :) |
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| Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 |
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The question: does it matter? The answer: does it matter? . . . I keep ringing through my mind the same pointless argument. What if it happened? What would I do about it? What COULD I do about it? is it just the truth Im looking for that single one solitary instant of release. All this time is it womans intuition or is it just being mangled with insecurity. All this time has gone by and still I wonder. Countless nights I lie awake wondering if I was ever right... |
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| Tonight was the first time I sang in the shower in a very long time. The hot water felt so good and I felt good inside. I need to do that more often. I also asked anyone if they want to see me naked!! No one did. Bummers!! | ||||||
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| I am all alone. Today I am not horny. I look all around my house and see it needs a good cleaning but I just don't want to get off my butt and do it. I like the peace and quiet. So I believe I will take this time and catch up on some of my writings. | ||||
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| Milo just jumped in my lap. I had forgotten I sprayed him with flea spray and now it is all over my hand. Now I have to get up and go wash my hands | ||||||
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| I feel so much relief this morning. I had a full day of cumming and I needed it so much. Last night my husband surprised me and I loved that the most. I needed that the most also. One thing I don't understand and will have to look up to see what it going on is my husband can get a hard on in a blink of an eye. that isn't the problem. the problem is sometimes he can't cum. It frustrates him. I wonder if it has something to do with his age or what. We have been working on this but there really isn't much else we could do. He won't go to the doctor to talk about his dick problems. I guess most men are that way. But I hate seeing him like this. | ||||||
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| Sassy ended up only having two puppies last night. They are doing fine. they are little fat butterballs. I posted pictures on my flickr account if you would like to see them or myspace. | ||||||
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| Monday, June 30th, 2008 |
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| Sassy has had two puppies so far. they both look like boston terriers. I am wondering if Milo fathered any???!!! I think she has one perhaps two more. But I am for sure one more inside. so only time will tell. | ||||||
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Friends Blurty for unsent letters.
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