To love.   
12:22pm 02/05/2010
  Dear James,

5 years I waited for you to realize that we'd be something together. In high school, I realized that I didn't stand a chance against your complete indifference to members of the opposite race, so I knew I would have to wait it out, and I was happy to do so. Yes, I did see other people, but the truth of the matter is, I was just passing time until I could get to you.

You have always been special to me. You always will be. For some reason, way back then, I knew we had to have a chance, I knew we'd have to be together, even if just for a short time. But since you nervously reached out to hold my hand that first time, I knew that just a short time would never be enough for me. You have to be mine for always.

I love you in a way that is so unselfish that it hurts me. I want to be with you no matter the cost. I will forgo my own dreams if it means fulfilling our dreams. You don't know this and you may never know this, but you are it for me. I have finally come to a point where I don't want anyone else, where I'm not constantly searching for the next man. You are all I want.

You hurt me in so many small ways and you never even know that you do because I don't want to distress you by telling you that I'm hurting. Sometimes, I wonder if you care nearly as much as I do. I realize that you haven't dealt with the years of longing like I have, so I imagine I don't mean nearly as much to you as you do to me. That's okay, I just want you to feel something for me. In time, it will grow.

However, I feel as if you're pulling away from me. And it hurts so badly. If you must go, I won't fight it. But I will cry as I have never cried before, and I'll react to it in unhealthy ways. If you leave, please do so gently. Just know, part of me will be with you where ever you go.

Love,
Autumn
 
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