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| 04:21pm 31/01/2006 |
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Dear, Saviour
I've hurted you so much this year. I've hurt myself so much this year. Only yesterday i still wondered what my purpose was and tried to cry. Tried. I couldn't cry. I've held back my pain and sadness for so long i don't even know how to cry anymore. It scares me. Last night i fell asleep saying, " C'mon... just cry. Cry. why won't you cry..." And i fell asleep with barely a tear on my cheek. i WANT to cry now. I want to let it all out for once, but i just can't. It really scares me. It scares me that i robbed my own soul of genuine human emotion. It scares me that i've neglected my feelings for so long that i don't even know how to express them anymore.
Today you loved me. Not a big surprise. I prayed to you that i wanted an award for drama, but you knew i had a lot of doubt... you knew how i felt. Despite my negativity and lack of faith you rewarded me. As i sat in the crowd clapping for the "winners" in my school i all of the suddenly saw MY name and picture on the powerpoint. I got an award. i heard the whole gymnasium clapping, cheering.. i felt that wonderful spotlight on my skin one more time. I know it was you... you let all of this happen. For that moment it seemed that all my low self esteem and pain and hurt fell off of me. In that moment all i felt was spotlight... all i heard was praise. And it's all because of you.
I thank you for proving to me that i am not useless. For proving to me that i am a gift, a talent from you. Thanks for making me feel breathtaking and unbelievable. |
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