| dear dad. |
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| 12:07pm 18/11/2004 |
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dear dad
over the past 10 years, i have written you so many letters, none of them ever reaching you. this one is not going to be much different.
there have been so many things i have wanted to say to you over the past 10 years, but never had the courage to say. it has just been easier writing letters, to vent the anger, and file away the letter.
i have been so angry with you, for always treating us like we were just another coffee table, just another chair. but i think what hurt me more over the years was how you treated my brother like the prodigal son, and me like the bastard child i was.
i have never been able to achieve enough to make you love me.
i now understand that you felt trapped in a 'loveless' marraige that you were forced into by my mother's pregnancy with me, i understand that my mother was just not the right person for you. but, as a parent, you never allow such emotions to overflow onto your children.
i do not understand why i have been paying all these years for your mistake, even if that mistake resulted in my birth.
i have forgiven you so many times in the past 20 years, but in the last 2 weeks, all the pain has returned. and i need to know...
...why could you not once visit me in hospital earlier this year, but you could visit my brother 4 times in 2 weeks while he was in rehab.
...why it is easier for you to talk about my brother's drug problems, than our (shared) bipolarity?
...why you keep bailing my brother out financially and giving him house hold appliances, but you kept checking your bank account for the R250 for the dvd player, and not once thought about my well-being when i was living on my own, unemployed and starving?
asking these questions are incredibly hard for me, and my imagination keeps furnishing answers on your behalf. answers that bring me to tears time and time again.
i hope one day, i will have the courage to confront you with these questions face to face, and still tell you i love you afterwards. because i do, despite it all.
lots of love
your daughter |
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