Dawn's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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fuck you and the damn kitty you rode your ugly ass in on! [30 Aug 2006|05:24pm]
I am home from work, and I'm so happy about that because today was a very long day. Daniel picked me up from work, because simply put: He's the damn shit! I talked to my baby last night, and I need to quit my paranoid bullshit, seriously. He's not mad at me at all. He's just been sick, and broke apparently. He dosen't need to spend money to hang out with me, I just enjoy being around him. Anyways, I'm not worried anymore, and feel fairly foolish for being worried in the first place. Meghan hooked it up and the Milford House and I have an interview at 1pm on Saturday. I'm so stoked. I really really hope I get this job. The money would be so much better, and I'm sick of my job already. I want to wait tables again. I miss it, and working with Meghan all the time would be flipping sweet, dude! Kathy called my from the office earlier and wants me to take on a client from 7-10:30 on Wednesday nights. I am not going to do it. I told them I do not want to take on anymore clients right now. The last thing I need to do anyway is get out of work at 10:30 and then get up to go to work at 4am on Thursdays. M.L.E. is going back to school on Friday, and I know that they are going to try to pawn off all of her clients on me, too. They're are pissing me off really bad, to be quite honest, and I cannot wait to quit so that I can go to Milford House and actually get to sleep in again. Haha!

Well, that's really all I have to say right now

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picture perfect fading smiles [28 Aug 2006|10:32pm]
I just back back from M.L.E's. She dooped me into helping her paint her bathroom. I went to Target and Meijer with her, which sucked, but I was doing nothing anyway, so it wasn't too bad. I had to paint the ceiling, and then got spackle in my eye. It hurt really bad. I had the day off today, and did nothing until I went running errands with M.L.E. I'm totally covered in white paint right now too. I'm glad that tomorrow is my short day at work. I'll be off by 11 am and I'm thinking about painting my bedroom tomorrow while K.T. is in class and M.L.E. is at work. Meghan may have a job for me at the Milford house, which would be so much better than Nurse Teching. It would probably be better money, and I enjoy waiting tables so much more that what I'm doing now. Plus, I won't have to be up at damn 4 am four days a week. Umm, yeah so Ryan hasn't come to see me in over a week, and he hasn't called in days. I called him yesterday and he was supposed to call me back, but never did. I don't know. I am not even going to worry about it, I'll just let it play out and see what happens. There's nothing else I can do, because it's not like he's done anything wrong, it's just he isn't as into seeing me and talking to me as much as he used to be. Who knows. Anyways, Family Guy is coming on, so I gotta go!

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7am the garbage truck beeps as it backs up, and i start my day thinking about what i've thrown away [27 Aug 2006|10:02pm]
[ mood | high ]

Seven a.m. my eyes fly open
The white van isn't outside
I guess you didn't come by afterall
Not that I expected you to
but it would have been nice
My back and legs still burn from yesterday
That's the last thing on my mind right now
It's 11:11-make a wish
I'd love to see you today, or even hear from you
I wonder where you slept last night
It wasn't in bed with me, of this I'm certain
Climbing out of bed
The rain is coming down slowly
Almost like it isn't raining at all
I've been up for hours
I haven't said a word out-loud yet
I need the advice of a dear old friend
She's mad at me too
Itching burning questions
It's too late to ask them now
I trust you
I trust you with all my heart
I trust you to maybe break my heart
...or is it all in my head
The paranoia is worse than ever today
I don't know how to fight it
I'm not sure where it came from
It creeps into my head
When I'm not paying attention
The longer I think about it
It becomes a plauge....
Harder and harder
Stonger and stronger
It builds up until
All I can think about
Is you with another girl...
...and it pisses me off that you didn't call

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start of another beautiful week!! [21 Aug 2006|09:34am]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Avenged Sevenfold--Seize the Day ]

I never used to be up and brighteyed this early in the morning until I got my new job. There's no way I could sleep until 11am today. It must be due to the fact that I get up at 4am everyday that I work now. I have today off, even though it's Monday, which is actually kind of nice. I'm pretty sure my boss Laura will let me pick up more hours a week eventually, which will be nice after I buy my new car.

I'm not sure of Ryan's motives. I know that he cares about me. He sends me mixed signals like crazy, and I don't know exactly how to deal with them since usually I'm the one sending crazy signals. I've decided to finally put the ball in his court for a while. From everything he was saying to me after he got here on Saturday, I almost couldn't believe it. He proclaimed how much he cares for me, and said he wants me to meet his family, and he wants to meet mine. I'm suprisingly not stressed at all about it. I'm still a little boggled about the whole Treasure thing, and on Sunday morning, he didn't even remember telling me about her. When I brought it up that he had told me, he was a little shocked. Who knows...right now, I haven't a clue. That's why I'm not going to get worked up about this boy. Things will happen as they will, and eveything will work out...whatever the outcome. I'm crazy about him, so I hope everything continues to go good, but like I said, it's his move, man.

Danielle will be here in two days. She was shocked to hear that I was in Michigan, which must mean that she hasn't talked to Dad at all. She was supposed to call me back yesterday, but has yet to do so, so who knows, maybe I won't be seeing her when she comes up, which will be both ridiculous and sad. Sometimes it seems like Danielle has washed her hands of me completely, which is bullshit because I'm the older sister, and I am supposed to make the mistakes first...and that's why she dosen't make the mistake that I have...she has seen what it's done to me, and I'm proud of her for not choosing to do so. However, that does not give her the right to be "holier than thou" to me for the rest of her life. I miss my sister and really hope I get to see her while she's here.

I'm supposed to call Walker today, and I don't want to forget, but I probably will because there was somthing important I was supposed to do today, and I cannot for the life of me remember what it was!! Ahh...I'm still in a good mood from the other night...I can't explain it man, he just does something to me...like heroine or something. (just to for the record...I don' t do heroine, or crack...sometimes I do, however use them as reference points)


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feeling better! [20 Aug 2006|01:17pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Ryan just left. He's going to a car show with Donnie, and then to get another tatoo, I guess. It's sad how much I care about him, really. He didn't get here until like 1:30am this morning, drunker than all hell...but it was so cute. I didn't realize how drunk he was, or I wouldn't have wanted him to drive all the way out here. He got here safe, so I was happy. He started telling me all of this shit that I don't think he remembers saying. Ryan told me that I have no idea how much he misses me, and that he cares about me a lot, all of these girls were hitting on him at the wedding, but he told them that he had a beautiful girlfriend that he cares about a lot, and the girls understood. He also told me that Tresure called him on Wednesday night, enough said. I don't know why that bothers me, because I do trust my boyfriend. She was telling him that she missed him. What is it with girls? They don't want a guy until he's moved on and found someone else. Don't get me wrong, I'm a girl...I've played that game before, too. I also know how easy it is for an x-girlfriend to slither her way back into a boys heart who does, or at least once did, care about her. I'm not worried about it. He told me last night that his mom knows about me. Yesterday, when he was on his way to the wedding, his mom wanted to know where I was. She was supposed to meet me yesterday, I guess, which I was unaware of. He officially asked me to meet him family. I told him I would, and he said he wants to meet Danielle on Wednesday, but dosen't know if he'll be able to. He's also scared about going to jail. I'm scared about it, too. I don't believe that he will actually have to go to jail, but if he does, it'll tear me up. I hate it when boys go to jail. It's sad.....

I suppose that's all for now...it's Sunday afternoon and I want to go outside and play!!

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blurty...it's been a while [19 Aug 2006|09:53am]
[ mood | optimistic ]
[ music | incubus--pardon me ]

I was bummed before I went to bed last night because I was looking forward to seeing Ryan all day long. I didn't find out until like 11 that he wasn't coming over because he was in Troy and had been drinking. I wasn't mad, because there's no way I'd want him driving out here drunk, I was just a little disappointed because I was so stoked to see him. He's coming over tonight, and we are going to hang out all day long tomorrow, from what he tells me. I can't wait to see him tonight, I miss him so much. I haven't seen him in like a week, because everything's been so crazy. My sister Danielle is coming to visit on Wed, and I am excited to see her and her baby Spencer. I want her to meet my boyfriend....I just feel it's important.

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BRANDON [05 Apr 2006|01:16am]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Tool (band) Sober (song) Undertow (album) ]

why is that whenever he is brought up, my mind is in constant insanity???? i miss that boy!! i love that boy, and to think i ever did anything to make him not love me breaks me heart!! a close friend of ours tells me he still loves me. but how do i know for sure?? i wrote him a letter a week ago, when i thought he was still living at home. come to find out tonight, brandon is in jail. i plan on taking that same letter that i wrote him a week ago, and putting it in the same envelope with the letter i plan on writing him tomorrow, and mailing it to his "new addy" in jail. i already know i am a faithful pen pal to boys in jail. ritchie is a perfect example, but for different reasons. i don't, know, but i never officially got over brandon, and this is at least a sign that my urge to write that letter to him wasn't wrong, and that i owe it to myself to send him this letter, even if he is in jail when he gets it. at least he will be sober and more able to think about it. i can't change whatever it was that i did in the past to make him hate me so much, but i don't feel as though it is something that desires hate. i think that brandon and i could be great again if we both gave it a chance. i still love him as much as i ever did, but the things we said to eachother hurt, i imagine, as much as if they were to really happen. what jordy said to me tonight may have changed my life forever!! i am still in love wth Brandon Lincoln


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Fairly Irritated!! [30 Mar 2006|08:33am]
[ mood | optimistic ]
[ music | Pink Floyd: Mother ]

Adrian really pissed me off, you know that? I'm not even that pissed, just disappointed that I believed everything he said to me. I was foolish, I know. Everything that that entailed was a stupid idea! I am going back to school in the fall, so in the mean time, I need to concentrate on me. Does that sound selfish? I think so, but at this point, I don't care. I am 21 years old, I need to be selfish. Why the Hell Not? I'm young, I need to get my life started. Now that I have an apartment with a Good Roomate, College is the next step. I need to be doing things like going to class, doing homework, all of that stuff. It'll make me feel better. The last thing I need is some boyfriend to worry about me, or pester me. I'll find the right guy when the time is right. People who are forced into relationships, for whatever reason, end up miserable. I'm so lucky that I'm not tied down to anyone like that. This gives me fluid movement throughout the next several years of my life. If Ash and I wanted to, we could pack up and move to like, Seattle in four months. Not that we are, or are even thinking about it, but the idea of being able to if I wanted to comforts me. I'm mobile.

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deeee-runK!!! [28 Mar 2006|02:49am]

naw, life's good acutally.....it's like 10,000 knifes when all you fucking want is some damn spoon so you can roll your silverware, though, so Alanis is soo close to being right....

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Another Weekend's End, Almost [19 Mar 2006|08:24am]
[ mood | awake ]
[ music | Fuel:: Bad Day ]

:: This weekend was gay! I was in smoking on Friday and Saturday, and Saturday, I didn't make dick! Grrr!! Hopefully, I will sell that ass today, and make some money, baby! I did all of my FASFA stuff, so hopefully I will be back in College in September. I need to really start looking for a good car that is going to get me back and forth to work without any problems. I want to have one by the time we move out of this apartment and no later. My vacation check that I'm going to be getting will help. ::

:: I'm giving up on guys. I love them, but they are too much of a pain in the ass. Maybe I'll just fuck them, not let myself get attatched to them. I need to finish school and plant my feet without all of that guy relationship bullshit floating around in my dome. For now, I need to concentrate on me, get closer to myself, be young, go out, find out who I am and what I am going to be. I need to have fun!! This summer is going to effin' ROCK!!! I can't wait!! For now, I need to go clean my apartment and listen to some Pink Floyd.>> ::

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---smokin' a bowl----- [25 Feb 2006|01:15am]
[ mood | thirsty ]
[ music | Foo Fighters: Everlong ]

mmmm....My apartment smells sooo good right now. Ash and I went to G.L.C. shopping yesterday, and we got incense, oil burners, and purfume oil. I'm so happy and mellow right now....because everything smells so soothing. I'm stoked that I got more of my Arabian Sandalwood oil. It makes me feel calm when I wear it. It's my smell.

Work flew by so fast tonight, becasue I was on my toes. Joni came up to me and handed me this pill, and told me to take it. I didn't ask questions; I just took the damn pill. Joni laughs and says "Good Luck!" She gave me something way stronger than Zanax, apparently. I was good though. I couldn't concentrate on a damn thing, though, let me tell you. I made my goal, I walked out of the barrel with $90 tonight.

I still haven't heard from Adrian, so I've all but given up on that. I knew I was a fool, although I didn't want to admit it. Why I always do this to myself, I have no idea. What I do know is that I let myself believe what guys tell me. It always sounds so perfect, that it's hard not to. I really thought that he might be the one. Fuck that fucking "gut feeling"....I am never going on a hunch again!

I should have had an arranged marriage. I swear. I cannot believe that I just said the work marriage, but I'm serious! I cannot pick a man to spend the rest of my life with...I'd die alone. I know I'm young and all, but it seems everytime I get that perfect guy, either he becomes suddenly unperfect, or I totally freak out! Ha, but I know who my parents would pick for me to marry, and I won't even say it.......FUCK THAT! That man makes me insane!

I'm stoned, I'm tired....I guess I better end this one right here.....

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burning eyes:: [21 Feb 2006|01:20am]
[ mood | mellow ]
[ music | The Beatles: A Hard Days Night ]

::Today was mostly just a bad day in general. Work sucked big time! It was slow, but stupid enough to piss me off. Some big shot is coming to the store tomorrow, so my General Manager was a bit frazzled about it. I stayed to help the girls close tonight, even though it was my only night in like two weeks that I didn't have to close. We cleaned that place top to bottom, the Barrel looks really good! These bitches came in at about 9:30 and decided to be real cunts to me. They ran the shit out of me just because they could, enjoying every second of it, that was obvious. They ended up making me cry, although I didn't let them see that. It is rare that a table is genuinly mean to me. Lots of people are rude, but few are mean. These women were mean. Fuck you bitches, it'll come back to you.....karma, baby, karma!::

::I have the next couple of days off, so I am glad I get to sleep in and relax tomorrow. I bought ultra-lights for the first time today. We'll see how that goes, but I can smoke them, for now anyways. I need to cut back major stlye, and eventully just quit completely. Smoking is a dirty, unhealthy habit. I'm disappointed that I am a smoker; I'm smarter than that, but only time will reveal if or not I have the will power to quit.::

::Adrian has been in Vegas one week, and already I almost can't stand it. I honestly don't know what I am going to do about my current prodicament. I'm twisted and torn as to what to do next. I've felt like this in past years, but this time, it's more subtle in that I'm not really worried, but it's far more intense. I know my next step SHOULD be a huge one. I don't want it to be a step backwards, but I fear it may be the same thing repeated for a while, which I don't want either. A step forward in the right direction would be the best decision, I just hope I can make the right one soon.::

::I need to go back to college. I don't have an option, and I'm done trying to find myself. Putting it off any longer would be obsurd, so I really need to buckle down and get everything figured out.::

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four beers later.... [19 Feb 2006|12:53am]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | elton john: tiny dancer ]

...yes!! i love beer!!!

omg!! so, it's 10 pm and katie and i figure that we will be out of work right at 11, right?? oh no!!! 4 adults, 7 children, please......


i take their drink order.......then they ALL decide to change their minds on what they want to drink.....fine ("they better leave me like $20....this is some bullshit!)

run for this....run for that....can we have our bread...and jelly.....and this and that.....until their food is up.....


an hour and a half later....


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predictable [16 Feb 2006|11:11am]

I've come the the conclusion that ALL guys are the same. They will ALL tell you what you want to hear. I think there must be a class somewhere that ALL guys have to take before they are allowed to date. This class gives them all the tricks to make a girl FEEL special....even though she is just anther number. How far is too far?? Do you guys even care about how you make a girl feel?? She will fall insane for you!! Totally in love and what-not, but you don't care, do you? Was I just something to make time go by faster?? Do you even know how you made me feel?? ...and now, I don't know what to say....I did it again.....I fell for a guy who dosen't, in reality, give a shit at all!!
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2 way radio [11 Feb 2006|10:28am]
The sun is shining, and I am going to make today a good day. Adrian left yesterday morining at 2am. I miss him like crazy already. It's nuts. I got my taxes done, but I'm not getting much back, but hell, at least I don't owe Bush any money. That's good.

Nothing else to say because I have to clean my house, and I cannot write when I know I have important stuff that I should be doing>

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Lazy Tuesday [07 Feb 2006|03:29pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | INCUBUS: a crow left of the murder....the whole c.d. ]

I'm contimplating a bath right now. That's sounds delish!! I need to relax...

Adrian leaves in a couple of days, and although I will miss him like crazy, four months isn't that far away. If and when I finally decide that Vegas is for me, he'll be there, and it will be wonderful.

I'm an aunt in more ways than one!! I swear, Spitz and Dani had the same baby--they are identical and it is sort of creepy!! All babies look alike, I guess......

damn, I had nothing to say apparently!!


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a moment of imperfection, brought to you by the letter A [31 Jan 2006|01:13am]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Incubus: Pardon Me ]

Hopefully, the words will just start flowing, because, although I can't write them out right now, in all actuality, I have a lot to say. I'm in love with Adrian, but I am affraid to tell him. I don't want to say it at the wrong time. He makes me feel like I was, for once, at the right place at the right time, and I happened to meet the love of my life there. I would do anything for him, and I can't wait to be with him again.

I talked to my sister tonight, and she is sending me pictures of the my nephew. She said she took him for his 2 week check-up today, and he is perfect. He's 2 lbs bigger than he was when he was born. I cannot wait to get that letter!!

There is so much going in my head right now that writing it all down would be pointless and random. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I do, however, feel as though I have an insane first draft bouncing around inside my dome right now.

You make me feel like autum
My colors are changing
So bright

You're eyes are a mirror
I can view my future
So clear

When your hands touch me
I am putty in them
So powerless

When I am with you

The world disappears

Nobody exsists but us

...and I can feel forever in you

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so...tired....must.....write..... [29 Jan 2006|01:48am]
Tonight was awesome!! Let's start with last night. Last night was equally as exciting. I drank with Kayla, Ash, and a bunch of their friends from high school. It was fun. A couple of the guys ended up crashing in our living room on our cool color-chairs!! After 3 hours of sleep and far too much Captain in my system still, I went to work this morning at 9 a.m. I was in smoking and didn't make any money. I planned on coming home and taking a shower, and then pass out, but Duece called me. She and I went out....

Duece and I went to the Machine Shop here in Flint, and saw STORY OF THE YEAR!! It was so amazing. I rocked out hard-core style! It was the most fun I've ever has at a show, and I've been to a lot of them!! The opening bands were really good, but oh my....Story of the Year was the fucking tits!! I got a guitar pick, which I later gave to some guy, and a drum stick, picked and thrown directly to me. At first it fell, and the guitarist was like, "that's hers!!" I'm talking stage dives, croud surfing, moshpitting!! It was so fun!! I'm going to hurt tomorrow....!!!
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productivness!! [26 Jan 2006|11:16pm]
Well, I woke up this morning with a bug in me to file my college fasfa process. I did, I even called my mother, but it required my w2s from 2005, which I haven't yet recieved. I was excited to get it all done, but that is going to have to wait for anther day. I have my pin number now, so that will make things a bit easier. I got to hang out with Duece tonight, so that was awesome. She went with us, (us being Kayla, Ash and myself) to the movies. King Kong was awesome, by the way! I hope I get to talk to Adrian tonight, I feel like we haven't talked in days.

I talked to my mother earlier, like I said above. That was fun, as usual. Sometimes, it feels like I am the mother, and she is the child. It should still be the other way around. I am still young, being 21, and my mother is a not-so-old-yet 53 years old. Somehow, it has gotten to the point where I feel like I am chasing her around, and worrying about her way more than she does me. I want my mother to have a place to call home. She has been a wandering soul her whole life, therefore I assume that is where I get my habit from. She needs to plant her feet and quit stressing out about life.

I did something earlier that I am not proud of. I started thinking about Greg. I want to know where he is, how he is doing, if he's happy. I miss him a lot, but I don't let myself dwell on it anymore. On the rare occassion that I do think about him, I remember him vividly. Most of the time, something will strike his memory. A song, a picture, a lot of stuff. When I think about Alpena, I think about him, and our greatness together. That's all over now, so I don't like to think about it.

Life is such a maze. A giant twisted labyrinth that you have to make your way through, eventually ending up either a.) old tired, and bitter, too tired from a hard life to enjoy your self in your golden days, or b.) a sad, lonley fool wishing they would have done more, regretting their past. I just want to know which way to turn next.
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good morning coffee [26 Jan 2006|11:30am]
ahha!! I have a full pot of coffee in me today, and I'm awake. I woke up to the phone ringing this morning. It was Adrian, we talked for a few minutes, but then he had to go to bed because he stayed up all night last night. Ash should be home in like 2 hours, and we are supposed to go do something tonight. We shall have ourselves a little date!! I've got a long weekend ahead of me, so I better get some fun in quick!! Duece may come down tonight for a while, sounds like she needs a friend right now, and who better than the Sneezy??
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