| Here You Go People: |
[01 Dec 2003|08:09pm] |
For everyone who wanted to know why I broke up with him. I'm sick of explaining it so many times so I just put it in here and you all nosy people can read.
First off he's way to over protected. I didn't call him over the break and I know he got pissed. If I go one day without calling him he'll get pissed off and go write poems saying shit like just say the world and it's over. Meaning If I wan't him dead just say it and he will. Believe me I know what he's capable of.
Second I can NOT take it. Dealing with how he's feeling and things going on in my life. I can't handle both.
Right now I just really don't want to be in a relationship right now. And I can not take it when someone has your future planned out for you. He thinks we'll be together forever. That is scary. I don't want to know about the future. I rather go and see what happens right now and worry about the future when it comes.
If you were me you'd understand. But your NOT!
I don't know what to do anymore.
I give up on guys!
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[01 Dec 2003|08:01pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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| [ |
music |
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Linkin Park- Breaking The Habit |
] |
I don't feel good. I feel like shit. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to see his face anymore. I can't take seeing him. I know he's going to be upset and it's going to make me feel like shit. Oh wait it already is.
It's so early. I wan't to go to sleep. I'm listening to Linkin Park! I'm trying to talk to people but no one is really responding. It sucks. Man I wish amanda would unblock me and talk to me. I miss talking to her. I miss having class with her. She's a cool person.
LMS ruled the big #1. Just talking to her and everyone else was fun. Even tho I got them in trouble sometimes. hehe. It was fun to hear Amanda backtalk to Ms. Mc Cluskey. Good Times.
So people liked my shirt. It kicks ass. Some people wouldn't come near me because they thought I had shit on my shirt. It's oil or pen ink.
Argh.
I need to go to sleep.
I don't want to feel like I need to cry.
I want to so bad right now.
I'm trying to hold it back right now.
Sometimes I don't know half the things I do.
I don't even know what is going on right now.
Shit feels good and I did that right thing.
Then I feel like I'm a big mistake and that's all I seem to do.
I can't do anything right.
Oh well.
I guess.
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[01 Dec 2003|07:55pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Linkin Park- Breaking The Habit |
] |
I don't feel good. I feel like shit. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to see his face anymore. I can't take seeing him. I know he's going to be upset and it's going to make me feel like shit. Oh wait it already is.
It's so early. I wan't to go to sleep. I'm listening to Linkin Park! I'm trying to talk to people but no one is really responding. It sucks. Man I wish amanda would unblock me and talk to me. I miss talking to her. I miss having class with her. She's a cool person.
LMS ruled the big #1. Just talking to her and everyone else was fun. Even tho I got them in trouble sometimes. hehe. It was fun to hear Amanda backtalk to Ms. Mc Cluskey. Good Times.
So people liked my shirt. It kicks ass. Some people wouldn't come near me because they thought I had shit on my shirt. It's oil or pen ink.
Argh.
I need to go to sleep.
I don't want to feel like I need to cry.
I want to so bad right now.
I'm trying to hold it back right now.
Sometimes I don't know half the things I do.
I don't even know what is going on right now.
Shit feels good and I did that right thing.
Then I feel like I'm a big mistake and that's all I seem to do.
I can't do anything right.
Oh well.
I guess.
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[01 Dec 2003|02:41pm] |
So I broke up with Jon today. He called me a bit ago and left me a message. He didnt know what to say except I hope your happy, I want you to be happy! I love you and bye.
I'm not letting myself sink into this again like last time. This is the end. I can't be with him. He's making me more depressed because dealing with my problems and his. I can't do that. I am starting to feel bad again. But I can't. This shit is bothering me so much. It's like going to ruin my life.
He's like making me think I'm wrong and the way he sounded on the phone. "I hope your happy" Nothing makes me happy! That was hard for me to do but it needed to be done. This sucks. I don't want to feel like this.
Life sucks ass.
Boys sucks ass.
I regret ever getting into a relationship with him because I know he's going to make me feel like I'm wrong and shit. With the things he says, the way he looks at me now, I know he'll find a way to get back with me. He can just look at me and I will just fall apart.
I know it's going to happen. I know that If I look at him I'm just going to feel wrong and feel like I made a mistake again for the second time when I know I'm not. He's like controlling me. I'm just in this horrible phase that I can't get out of. I never want to see him again.
Why did I say I loved him and I knew he was the one when I don't even know what I want?
He's making me feel so bad right now.
The message got to me.
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[30 Nov 2003|05:16pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Blink 182- Easy Target |
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So my ears hurt. Not bad tho. I smacked my phone into my ear cuz I forgot they were peirced and it hurt a little.
Jon isnt answering so I can't talk to him.
I'm acting like such a dork right now.
I'm wearing a blue army cap and it's on sideways. I look like a wigger. Now if only I had my sunglasses. Hmm *looks around*
Woo found 'em. It's kinda dark in here now. I'm bouncing to some blink.
This so rocks.
I'm wearing 7 dollar sun glasses, a 4 dollar hat and I got a 1 dollar work shirt that just kicks ass. I'm wearing it to skool tomorrow. I can't tell you what kind of work shirt because that will ruin the fun of it. All I can say is it's funny as hell.
School should rock tomorrow.
I'm getting hungry now. I'm getting a headache. I hope I'm not getting sick because that would suck and I can't miss anymore school.
Oh well.
Gotta Go!
Fuck You!
Boys suck ass. Who needs 'em?
Single is the way 2 go!
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| I'm back nigger! |
[30 Nov 2003|10:59am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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Story of the year- Page Avenue |
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So I'm back. The trip was ok. Jon called me non stop. I almost answered and told him to fuck off! But I didnt. I just turned my phone off. I'm getting my ears pierced today. Ha. I would have done it sooner but I've been soooo busy lately. I'm going to that gothic moon place so then I can put the earings I want in. Then I'm going to get plugs. I'm probably going down to 4 gage or smaller. Not sure yet.
I'm so bored. I hope today gets better. I'm not sure If I'm going to call Jon tonight and tell him or wait till tomorrow. :/
Well I'm going to go chill. Go watch and movie and drink some Faygo.
That shit rocks!
I'm out.
This little break officially sucked Ass
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[26 Nov 2003|11:10am] |
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mood |
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 okay |
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music |
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Blink 182- Easy Target |
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This time it's over. This time I'm not going back. I can't keep regreting it. Because inside I didn't regret what I did. Then I got back with you. Now I regret going back. I felt bad for you because I knew you hurt. I'm sorry but sometimes things are done for the best.
I don't care what you people think. I know what I'm doing. I can't keep going on in life and having to deal with shit going on in my life and his.
Sometimes I don't think I have to explain why I'm doing what I'm doing. This time I know I'm doing the right thing. When I broke it off the last time I was a little scared and worried. I didn't know how to react. This time I know. I got back with him because I felt bad. after I got back with him I kept thinking. I kept asking myself what am I doing. I can't do this.
I regret so much saying I made the biggest mistake of my life.
I really do.
This is fucking stupid. This time I'm not going to explain myself. I'm not going to tell people why I did it. I'm going to do it and then it's over with.
Hopefully when I go on my little 3 day trip, I won't think of this shit. I WILL NOT let it get to me. I WILL NOT think about it. I'm leaving sarasota for 3 days. I'm glad. I want to get away from these ignorant people. I hate sarasota. I fucking despise it. I can't fucking wait till I graduate, cuz I'm gonna be out of here. I will move so fucking far away.
I won't have to worry.
END OF STORY.
Monday it's going down.
It's OVER with.
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[26 Nov 2003|08:19am] |
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mood |
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awake |
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So last night I took a nap at like 5:00 and then never got up, I slept the rest of the night. Woooo I havn't had that much sleep in the longest time. Then I got up at 8:00 this morning. I'm about to go finish packing for tallahasse. I'm going there for like 3 days. It sounds NOT fun but it is. Just driving up there and shit is fun. Doing stuff along the way.
The negatives are:
No cell (it won't work there, which means prob no talking to Jon) :(
No email
No chatting online
But it's all good. I said I wanted out of sarasota because I can't stand this place and these ignorant people. So it's all good. 3 days out of sarasota. It's better than nothing. But I got's to finish packing and then clean the cages and the house.
Later.
Yippee.
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| Will you? |
[24 Nov 2003|09:22pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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Baby Bash- Sugga Sugga |
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I dont feel good. I got a feeling tomorrow is going to suck like today. I almost went home today, but couldn't because I missed to much school. I'm glad I didn't go home. I hope tomorrow is better.
I'm going on a little trip wed. or thurs. won't be back till sat. or sund. Not sure.
I'm soo bored.
Well I guess I'm out.
Fuck this bullshit.
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| N I C E ! ! ! |
[24 Nov 2003|06:17pm] |
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mood |
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 giddy |
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music |
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Pink- Trouble |
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My B-day is in 11 days.
Sic.
That's all I wanted to say.
I'm in a good mood.
I think I took to many midol today. Had a headache and my friend gave me that and I took 2 I think but those things are pretty strong so I'm kind of hyper. Jon took some too. What an Idiot. I still love him though.
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[23 Nov 2003|08:21pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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tv |
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So today was good. Hung out with andrew and we went to Sam Ash. We were jammin on guitars. It was awesome. I'm getting a guitar for my b-day. Woo It's awesome. I'm either getting a Fender Stratocaster with satin finish, A Fender Stratocaster with the high gloss finish, or a epiphone Basher pack.
I'm still working on getting the guitar on ebay.
Jon keeps calling. I got to call him back later.
I'm bored, but what else is new.
I don't know what to think of myself anymore.
I've like changed into someone totally not me.
My life is getting fucked up.
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| Whoop |
[23 Nov 2003|12:39pm] |
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mood |
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ecstatic |
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music |
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Blink 182- Stockholm Syndrome |
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So far today has kicked ass. I was playing with my acoustic trying to tune it and one of the strings was so frayed it snapped on me and hit me in the hand. I got some welts now but there going away. It hurt too.
I'm getting a guitar off ebay. It's so tight. It's a Lock On Custom Electric Guitar with Built In Tuner. It's sooo nice.
It's got 2 days and 3 hours left. And guess what the price is???
$6.50
It's so cheap. But Andrew said they only get about $75.00 for them. But they are worth so much more than that. Like probably a normal guitar price. Maybe the cost of a Fender. I'm so siked. I can't wait. I hope I get it. I'm the highest bidder too.
Woo.
Woo.
Woo.
Woo.
Woo.
Ok, I'm done.
Later Gators.
This FUCKING ROCKS!!!
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| Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck |
[22 Nov 2003|10:54pm] |
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mood |
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 rejected |
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music |
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Outkast- Hey Ya |
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I want to fucking cry right now. But the thing is I don't know why. I want to cry but I don't know why I do. It's fucked up. There's something that's making me what to cry and I just can't figure it out. I know it's something because I feel like shit and I've been thinking so much today. I'm like making myself sick again. I got a headache.
I think I'm just going to sleep now. Hopefully I won't cry myself to sleep but hey whatever happens, happnes.
LIFE SUCKS! DON'T EVER LET SOMEONE TELL YOU LIFE IS AWESOME. BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUCKING GREAT.
God I want to punch a fucking wall right now. So much anger I could build up. But wait, I don't need to because it is building up.
But the sadness is taking over more than anything.
I know people are fucking against me. This time I know for sure they are.
People do hate me. I can feel it.
I don't like myself. I DESPISE myself.
I feel like shit.
I'm getting the feeling I'm loosing friends. And well I have no friends.
I got the feeling I'm annoying, lurk, I talk to much and just a shit load of other shit.
Want to add to my list.
Oh please comment.
I fucking hate this.
Fuck You All.
I want to cry.
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[22 Nov 2003|09:09pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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3 doors down- Here without you |
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Today sucks. I got a headache again. I think I'm making myself sick. Not doing it intentionally. I misplaced my cell again. What else is new? Monday is breaking the cell day. I'm so sick of my phone. It's a piece of shit. So after school I'm going to have loads of fun breaking that piece of shit.
I feel like shit again. But don't I always. Things feel worse now. I feel like I did last year but worse. I really think this time people hate me. I'm getting to the point now where I don't know who my real friends are and who aren't my friends. I'm about to just cut off everyone and not talk to anyone ever.
I just can't figure this shit out. It's bugging me. I just can't stand it.
It hurts to breathe now.
Fuck.
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| Damn... |
[22 Nov 2003|04:37pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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Blink 182- I miss you |
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My B-Day is in 13 days.
Whoop. I might be getting a guitar for my b-day. It's going to kick ass. I'm looking at guitars now. Tomorrow Andrew and me are going to samash.
I'm getting a Job soon. I'm going to save my money up to get Jon is christmas gift. I can't wait.
I must go do homework now, because If I don't then I can't go tomorrow.
Later.
I'm so siked.
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| Shit Shit Shit and Shit |
[22 Nov 2003|03:12pm] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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Nothing |
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So today sucks. I was trying to get applications at a couple animal hospitals but they were all closed. Fucking places. I was siked because I really want to get a Job and I wanted to visit my friend but every place was closed.
Either mon. or wed. I'm going to go back and pick up the applications. I'm so bored right now. I'm going to go finish cleaning my room and then it's back to sleep for me.
Later.
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[21 Nov 2003|10:02pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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music |
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Def Leppard |
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Today so FUCKING sucks.
I feel so low.
I'm putting myself down again.
I keep thinking this shit.
I hate the way I look.
I hate the way I feel.
I hate everything about me.
I know I'm a fucking mistake.
I hate life.
I'm not sure what I'm doing.
I think I'm seriously going to get rid of aim and blurty.
I don't want to deal with this shit.
I'm sure It would be so much better If I stopped talking to everyone online.
I'm sure It would make everyone so much fuckin happier.
Having me out of there way.
I don't know why I keep trying to get happy.
News Flash: It's NOT working.
This fucking sucks ass.
I GIVE UP.
I GIVE UP ON LIFE.
I'm not going to end up happy in the end so why try?
Why spend the rest of your life trying to do something that won't happen?
Fuck This.
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| Evil Towel Is Back Nigger...Wooo |
[21 Nov 2003|06:39pm] |
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mood |
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 dorky |
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music |
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Blink 192- I'm Lost Without You |
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So today was good. I'm hopefully going Job hunting tomorrow. Even tho my grades aren't that good I'm going to get a job anyways and show my parents I can work hard and I'm going to see if I can get any extra credit. Christmas is coming up and I want to get Jon something. I have an idea and I know he'll like it because we were talking about it before. I can't ask my mom for the money because yea it's not going to be cheap.
So I need a job like soon and I need to start getting money. I'm trying to think of ways to raise money. I'm going to go around my neighborhood and see if people will let me do stuff for them for money. I don't know what yet, as long as it's not mowing the lawn. Ha Because I will probably fuck that shit up bad. haha
Well I got to go, it's back to thinking for me. Hey I need ideas here. So fucking comment and help me. haha
Later.
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| My poem: |
[20 Nov 2003|08:05pm] |
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mood |
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blank |
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music |
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The Starting Line- Best Of Me |
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Wanting this
Why does it always get to me?
The things I don’t want to know
These feelings are back
I can’t get them out
I just want to forget
But I can’t
I hate the way I feel
And yet I put it on myself
Why can’t it go away?
Why can’t I have one good day?
I’m sick of this shit
Not one more day
I can’t go through like this
I just can’t
I try and try
But nothing seems to work
The only thought I have
Is way out of line
So I just drink away the pain
And hope I can forget
Put my mind on something else
Hoping I won’t have to deal with this
It’s not solving any problems
I just keep running
I’m running
And I’m not looking back
I want to get better
But first these things have to be fixed
I have to get through these problems
But where do I start?
What do I do?
Where do I go from here?
These questions I ask
These thoughts I think
Maybe just a dream
Or maybe reality?
---------------------------------------
Do You Care?
I'm drowning in these thoughts
Taking in these feelings
I'm making myself sick
It's not like it matters anymore
Everything just sucks
It's all shit
These feelings I hide
Are just mere emotions
These things I think
Well there just thoughts
No one cares what I think
No one cares what I say
No one cares what I do
I could say anything I want
And it wouldn’t matter
Take everything away from me
I don’t care
I can’t take this shit
I want it to stop
Just take it away
Take me away from here
Fuck this life
It’s not worth it
I’m sick of living in pain
Screaming in hate
Running in fear
And crying in sadness
No matter what I do
It’s still there
I can’t run away from it
I may hide the pain
I may hold the screams
I may suppress the tears
But it’s still here
These feelings are real
And no one knows
Because they don’t care
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| I fucking hate this... |
[20 Nov 2003|07:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Tupac- One Day At A Time |
] |
I hate feeling like this.
I'm sick of people.
I hate everyone.
Life sucks.
Why do I bother to make friends?
Why do I try to fit in?
Why do I try and act like people aren't starring?
Why do I act like nothing is going on? Because stuff is going on.
Fuck This.
Fuck You.
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