Date:	2003-09-23 10:20
Subject:	So quiet, another wasted night.
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	Dashboard

I need to do so much today...so much. I need to go and photocopy problems out of the solution manual for accouting...so I have some clue on what the hell I'm doing. Then I need to buy a book, and a "financially proper" calculator...whatever that means...I guess a TI-83 doesn't cut it these days, whatever. But, oh yeah, I also need to go to class at 11....thats going to suck me. This class is honestly the worst class I've ever taken, its incredibly boring, and the professor is a lunatic...
Plus I have an accounting test to study for....

I'm in such a weird mood right now...kind of sad...kind of annoyed....kind of tired. Heather was in a strange mood this morning...so that itself made me in one myself. So i'm kind of stuck with it until she gets out of hers....hopefully i'll come back from my little errands and she'll be fully rested (this is why I always persuade her naps...they're just all around good for her). I guess we should put an update in here about Heather? Alright, well shes kind of seeing this guy Steve from Iron Hill....hes a nice guy, he really is..but he should definitly take her out more...and just try to see her more often. If i had even a chace with someone like heather, or even heather herself....I would try to be there whenever she wanted...why wouldnt you want to be there whenever she wanted? she really is quite amazing...maybe some day she'll get that. But I don't know, Heather and I have been quite close lately... I kind of like it a lot, she just makes me feel so good....so I have no complaints. I just wish I could get out of this mood I'm in....I think the boy(Kevin) did it too me :( ah well....

i love my guitar i really do, it really makes me happy...i think i'll learn a new song now...maybe fleetwood mac??

oh yeah, i quit annie anne's....was a pain, if i was getting 10 bucks an hour then it would have been heaven...but no, not worth it. although i did start to enjoy emily's company a lot....she so beautiful....hmm...yes she is.

what is wrong with us?
we laugh without any bitterness
you turn away, my face sheds shame in you
i guess, i protest
that there is anything wrong
i face your back, you run away
a man faces you, you're unsatisfied
i'm at the door and the guilt in you is too much
I can't even hold you or even touch
without a piece he holds the world
i have the world but have none
shut away with closed books and unforsaken looks
Hiding behind others and looking into books

what is wrong with us?
we laugh without any bitterness
you turn away, my face sheds shame in you
i guess, i protest
that there is anything wrong
i face your back, you run away
a man faces you, you're unsatisfied
i'm at the door and the guilt in you is too much
I can't even hold you or even touch
without a piece he holds the world
i have the world but have none
shut away with closed books and unforsaken looks
Hiding behind others and looking into books

Date:	2003-07-17 23:51
Subject:	What makes you think I can start clean-slated??
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Hanson

Today was my first day at Auntie Anne's...and its a thousand times better than the dollar store...or maybe I just like it so much because its sooo different, a nice change. Sure I'm getting paid less right now, but thats ok, its good for my mental self. So yeah, I hate being the "new person" but thats ok, it wasn't half bad tonight (knock on wood), and I got to bring home tons of pretzels so thats a plus...mmm they so good.

Besides that...things have been weird. Heather has been pretty much mean to me lately. She has been so frustrated with her self. Shes going through this thing where she thinks she over eats, and completely hates herself for it. SO she gets so worked up about it, that she starts taking it out on me and honestly it kind of hurts my feelings. She gets so angry at me and all I'm trying to do is care about her...(sounds corny)but whatever, I think I'm going to take two steps back on this one.

Lately I've been kind of lonely. I told ed to take a breather, heather is worked up in her thoughts, and my family is 45 minutes away. So I've been pretty much alone, kind of made me a little depressed yesterday. Or maybe its just that time of the month right now where I get all emotional?? I don't know, but I wish I could get out of it. I just need a light of hope...something for me to look forward too. I think I'm just so used to nothing coming out of anything. Blah...I need to go home for a few days. I feel unappreciated, I feel like a "gotten used too", I feel like a "nothing special", I feel like a lost cause or two. b;logkokgoe
sleep will cure me of these thoughts for the time being...muaha

I want someone to give me a smile, I want a laugh. I want to feel your breath again...I want to take your smell instead.

Date:	2003-07-16 01:22
Subject:	Open up and show me your self.
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Jason Mraz, once again

I just saw Hanson on Jay Leno, Hanson...hah, where have they been? I don't know psh, but I love what they've done....they're doing some acoustic tour, acoustic...yes thats the way to go.
Anyway, I got a job at Auntie Anne's hah, yeah I start thursday, lets see how this works. I really hate being the new person...it sucks, you never know what you're really supposed to be doing for atleast a good week. So this first day is going to blow me, but whatever, least I'm making some kind of money. Note to self: Manager guy steve is a looker.
In a weird mood today, have been kind of mean to people today...especially heather. Honestly I think I'm just getting frustrated with this life...I think I need to go home for a few days and calm down. I think I expect too much, I think I want too much. I need to breathe and relax some. I don't want to hurt anyone, esp. Heather...oh dear heather, how she brightens my earth. Ok, yeah, so I'm losing it slowly, this music i'm listening too is starting to sound like mud. Yes mud, it no longer has a sound, no sound...nope. ah well, thats it, thats life. I want to brush my hand on your flushed cheek. Maybe tomorrow, maybe tomorrow I will.

Date:	2003-07-14 01:15
Subject:	I'm in one of "those" moods again...
Security:	Public
Mood:	bitchy
Music:	Jason Mraz

Ever feel like you're in the wrong place in your life? Lately I feel that way, like I'm not supposed to be here right now...like I'm supposed to be somewhere else. But i bet you its just me being lazy and feeling like i'm just wasting precious time or something. Because I really do enjoy being here (at the house)...I guess its different than any summer has ever been...I mean I'm not constantly working which is a huge difference compared to previous summers...so i really just feel like the biggest slacker ever. But its cool, I think I kind of need this time to wind down..sure I'll be broke, but sometimes its a good thing to be broke, you start to learn a lot of shit and start to appreciate more. Money is the route of all evil....oh yes, thats my view right now.

For the past view days, I've been so irritated with everything...I don't know what my problem is, but I've been so moody lately...and I really don't want to come off as a bitch to anyone, but lately I've been a little snappy. I guess I sometimes feel like I go unappreciated...or people are so used to me being so laid back that they always expect me to be alll the time. For example, today I drove Heather to work in her car because she has a/c and she doesn't want to be sweaty for work, and shes like "yo, quit it with the brakes" with much attitude. I know she was probably joking and only trying to tell me to take it easy...but it kind of ticked me off a little. I mean here I am driving her to work and probably picking her up (things i do often), and shes giving me attitude...like shes so used to it, it no longer goes appreciated. But I'm sure she does appreciate it a lot....I mean what am I saying, I know she does...she thanked me a billion times tonight when I picked her up. I guess the little things get to me at times when I'm in weird moods. But whatever, I love helping her out, so I guess i'll be easy on the brakes next time, heh. anyway....bed for me, tooooo late.

"I believe you can have fun doing anything as long as you're with the right person."

Date:	2003-07-09 23:51
Subject:	Oh GEEZE...!...!...
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	Ben Folds Five

So, Danielle just told me that she wants to be with me...I don't know what to do, or how I feel about it. Sure I'm a little curious about it, but I dont know...I have to make sure of it, I don't want to hurt her. So I need to think this one through. According to her, if I had a girlfriend right now it would "hurt her so much, so that has to mean something" so...wow...thats all I have to say is wow, its all so shocking. She has never been this straight forward to me in my life. I think I need to hang out with her...to see if theres any true feelings there....if there isn't, then fine, thats easy, I'll just tell her I dont want a relationship right now (which is pretty true), but if there is feelings....then hmm, we'll have to see I guess....gasp....OOOH gasp, hehe. Oh, and Heather hates this, shes not admitting it, but I know she does...she doesn't even want to talk about it with me and every time I try to, she gets this look on her face. So I don't know what that means, maybe nothing, maybe I'm just looking too deep into things?? The whole thing is confusing...I mean to be honest, I love Heather more than anyone right now, she interests me the most...she really does, so why should I even think about being with Danielle? I guess I just wish I could kiss her(heather) and/or show her that I care about her when I feel like it, instead of waiting until we're drunk on wine to admit something. I don't even want a relationship with her, I just kind of want to let her know that overall...she makes me feel good about myself...and makes me feel so worthy of life.

wow, I'm such a fucking pussy.

Date:	2003-07-09 01:01
Subject:	Kind of drunk right now?
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky
Music:	None, but I wish for Silver Chair

Yeah, so I just played "asshole"with Heather and Luke for about 3 hours....was fun, it really was...the boy talked about history the entire time, it got me going...it really did. I dont know, he seems to be a good teacher and/or friend...but I don't know. Hey, whatever, if he makes heather happy, great...fantastic, thats all that matters. But I don't know I guess it kind of pisses me off a tad. I guess I just really hate the fact that THIS guy gets more of a chance than I'll ever have in my life....just because he has penis. It just gets to me a little bit...just because this guy has a dick, he has a chance, but because I'm a girl...a casual drunk hook-up that probably means nothing is all that I get, is all that I'm really worth. Why am I being such a whore? I don't care, do i? well no not really...I mean I honestly just want her to be happy...I guess I just feel like I'm not good enough.....that if I was a guy, we'd be so happy together...but I guess thats life. I guess I'm not supposed to be that role in her life. But I guess It doesnt matter...because her friendship means so much to me, I mean I've never had a close girlfriend whom I've wanted to be around all the time...so I guess I should hold on to this one, and not fuck it up. But whatever, I hope heather and luke are having a good time in there....hmph, anyway.

I was talking to Danielle today, and wow....shes a funny girl, turns out shes seeing this 32 year old woman. Thats hilarious to me, real hilarious. But hey...I think it'd be funny if I saw her again, and we were alone, she could never deny me, haha (her words, not mine)...shes cute, shes a good girl...maybe I should kiss danielle? maybe she'll give me what I'm looking for...but hmm, what am I looking for?

I need to go to bed, my hair is almost dry (can't sleep on wet hair) Wet hair = bad bed head.

So, I’ve decided to write in a journal…this time through blurty?, I had one online about a year ago…but it was all erased one day by the damn website (I’ll be kind and won’t name it). So I figure I’m safer here. Anyway, so we moved in the house…yep, has been a real treat so far….I never realized how much money it would be, just to live here, eat here, and pay for shit like electricity and what not. But it definitely has its benefits, Heather is nice to hang out with every so often…she relieves me from so many things, without trying really. I really don’t know what our relationship really is…we’re friends, but yet we’re not…I honestly don’t know what we are…whatever it is, its deeper than friendship..on some level. I mean just the other week we kissed again…of course we were drinking (when aren’t we drinking when we kiss)...but still, I’ve never been in this type of thing before…don’t really know what to call it. Sure I like kissing her and everything, I love her, she honestly makes me feel so good that I forget what I’m doing at times…but I don’t know, its confusing…I always wonder why she does want to kiss me. But I don’t care, I like her company that much, that I just don’t care what it is…what I have with her could go on forever, not really meaning anything or getting anywhere, and I’d be fine with it. Because when I do get to be with her….its…different than anything else….some what…special. It really does feel so good to kiss some one you genuinely love.

With Ed, whats not going on with Ed? He’s such a mad man lately. I love the boy to death…I really do, just he has to calm down, just today he was screaming at me for about a half hour trying to convince me to go out with him again. Honestly, if he would just stop this shit, things would be a whole lot better..because its when he stops this shit does it get great, it really does. Some day maybe I will be with him again, but as of now, I just can’t picture it, all he does is talk about it 24/7 and I can’t deal with that right now. I’m just not in the time of my life where I want to be in a committed relationship…I just want to beable to do my own thing, without being tied down. But whatever…I know I probably sound like a selfish whore, but I just want to wait, until I really feel something, until every doubt I have is gone…I just don’t want to make any mistakes with it, I don’t want to be with someone and really not want to be.

I need to get a job, I am seriously broke…I have about 20 dollars to my name…if that. I need to get a job, I should work at Auntie Anne’s. Heather should quit her job and come work with me…that would be fun, we’d make pretzels all day and eat them….mmm Auntie Anne’s pretzels…what a delight.

I need to go to sleep now…I don’t know what I’m doing.