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Thursday, March 4th, 2004
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4:44 pm - Things that are my passion...Causing her great pain...while I try not to harm a life...She places blade to vein...
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Everything is once again falling apart around me, I know what's going to follow soon. It seems to me that all the ppl I talk to end up in pain of some sort. Now, just like always, the pain that my presence inflicts upon the others around me is beginning to surpass their ability to contain it. Soon they will overload and in the aftermath of their tears and unbearable pain they will heal and be okay for awhile and then I will be able to have rest. Or so one would think. After the process is finished in their hearts and they begin to heal I, as the empath, should feel at least part of the peace that the do, but it does not work so for me. Once the others finally find an incomplete and fleeting peace I will be left to think, left to imagine, left to remember. I know that the peace will soon be here because of the pain I now sense. My g/f and me fought today at lunch because I took her razor blade away so she couldn't go to the bathroom and cut herself. She tells me she's trying to get better, to find other ways out but that there aren't, which I know is a lie because I did it myself. she tells me that it's not the same for her but she doesn't seem to get just how the same it was for me to put some things behind me. She was sexually assaulted by someone who she trusted with her whole heart, she doesn't know my past as well as she thinks she does then if she doesn't see the connection. My best friend try to do things to me that no other guy should even think of and yet I still help him through his pain and put my past behind me. I see the pain rising up all around me, my senses are on edge and I see all that is around me happening in ways that none can believe possible, I will not explain exactly what I see here because I fear that some people may try to play it off as their own skills and abilities later rather than just give me the credit. I can see all the pain rise up around me and I know that soon it will all come crashing down, some of it is hidden in the most unusual places and I would never have dreamt that they lay there. Soon it will all come down though and I will be left to my own devices and then the torture begins. That is the time that I can feel my own pain, dredge up memories not yet dealt with and relive them in my mind. These are the days that I sit in a darkened room and cry to myself, ask God to heal my heart and hope that I'm still good enough to be his child. I try to keep myself on the strait and narrow but with my senses at an extreme peek I notice not only emotional differences but physical no matter how small. I see new couples that have formed around us and no one else even knows because they are still secret to the world, but not to me. I see difference in the hair cuts of ppl I don't even know and have never met and feel the pain in hearts of students and teachers alike. But one day, in the twinkling of an eye, it will all come crashing down, and the symphony of hearts that plagues my heart and mind at all times of the day will decrescendo and be gone, then I will be left to the silence.
I do want to thank God for giving me a slight bit of relief this time even if it can be as annoying as what my heart feels at times. I have some relief from the pain of others in the form of what I have deemed "Zoning out" I haven't truly zoned out for a while now. but it's back. As many of you many have heard me say I don't dream, which is true, at least while I'm asleep. When my boredom level gets to high for me to deal with lately I will dream while awake, in other words "Zoning out" but I don't mean a daydream. This is not something that I can control. This is like a normal dream where I am just an actor in a role that is already scripted and you can't figure out why you do some of the things you do. It's really hard to describe, kinda of like sleepin while awake. But that is only a slight relief. Mabey if someone asks I'll tell them some of the things I've dreamt about but I've already ruled out a few ppl whom I won't be telling so I'll just warn you not to get your hopes up. Well now me and my acute senses are going to go over to ash H.'s house for dinner before Teens for Christ, hope we have a really good message tonight cuz I could use the God boost. Lata Chicas.
JC
The King of Hearts
MK
current mood:  irate
current music: disney
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| Wednesday, February 25th, 2004
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10:01 pm - Like Water...
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Here's the poem I wrote at the retreat...
Like Water
People are like water,
we ever change and flow,
moving with the current,
we go as others go.
Some are cold and hard like ice,
Some steam amongst hot air,
stand within them all you like,
and see how much they care.
Whatever's tossed within us,
forever should remain,
polluted oh so easily,
by money, fortune, fame.
Yet crimson red will cover,
the black that we should be,
never will this pollution,
touch the cleanness of the sea,
People are like water,
we will never cease to change,
yet only by true perfection,
can water ever be contained.
JC
The King of Hearts
current mood:  blah
current music: Disney music
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9:50 pm - I don't know...What Words I can say...The wind has a way...to talk to me...
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Man, it's been way to long since I've posted anything, guess I'll just hit the big points like normal (in other words whatever I can remember). Well, ever since the retreat my world has been all outta wack. My abilities and my visions continue to increase with a rapidity that I can't dream of but at the same time my pain increases with my self-hatred. That's a really hard task to accomplish because I was barely big enough to hold them in their smaller states. okay, onto day to day news.
A few days ago was just so wrong. It went rather well until right after fourth period on my way to band. The first thing that happened was as I walked out of English I stumbled across Matt Coon and was put into a daze right off. Then when I finally got away from him and got into the instrument room I was nearly knocked off my feet by Darik who was rather confused and didn't seem to notice the commotion he was causeing, but in the process he knocked me into Joel. After a rather bad band period with "the Roach" we had a 1/2 hour study hall cuz he wanted some extra practice time with the other band. in that time I got some good discussion time in with Tammy until Susan and my g/f tried to join in when she started to shy away. But when my g/f came down from her seat she was followed shortly by Kyle who sat in the chair right below me for like 20 min. Grrrr. and to top it all off, when we got to lunch I sat down and the girl who sat at the table in front of my table from where I sat was crying, well Lewis went to cheer her up and sat there the whole freaking period, double grrr.
anywho~
on to today, it wasn't all that bad. For English we were in the library so I didn't have to pass Matt like normal which was a plus, and the rest of the day went rather well. Though at lunch Kyle did tend to hang over my shoulder (literally) for a very long time. Wonder what he'd do if he knew how that affected me. The really annoying part of today happened after I got to work. I was soooooo happy cuz I got to work on the Register instead of that stupid grill like normal (starts to dance) I was having fun (if you can call work fun) and there were some really nice ppl that came through. Then we hit the big rush of the night. It was one big youth group. I knew some of the ppl in it. There was Zach Harmon, Ben Bercaw, .....and Matt Coon. Why? Grrr. Since I was outside of school I wasn't expecting to just run into ppl like that so I was totally gone for a very long time. I just want to shoot myself, but the bible forbids that, so will someone else do it for me? Please? :( Oh well, I've run out of topics now. I guess I'll go. I'm still gonna post my poem from the retreat. lata.
JC
The King of Hearts
MK
P.S. I started a new story though some may not find it interesting or to their liking, just click on my writers name from one of the other links I have up here somewhere it's called "Forever My Idol" or you can look under writers names as "Moonlight Knight" that's me, lata chicas.
current mood: moody
current music: Disney Music
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| Monday, February 16th, 2004
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10:22 pm - Unbreakable heart...I wish was mine...Then no problem I'd have ... to follow the divine...
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This weekend was quite possibly the most annoying weekend of my life. First I want to apologize for any major spelling errors or the like but my eyes are killing me from lack of sleep so I'm typing the majority of this with them closed. Good thinking I took typing freshman year. Anywho, this weekend was the Retreat for TFC. It started off with a bang because as I pulled in and got out of my car Ash ran up to me screaming "John Clay I love you..." because at about midnight on valentine's day I left a three stemmed baby white rose and a note for her on her doorstep. Afterwards I went inside and dumped my stuff and then we went on with the night. The messages were really good because it was Michael Crous who gave them and just about any message he gives is good. This time he talked on decipleship. People slowly drifted in just as we were getting started until we all were there like Jen and Andy, the Brenamens, and lastly Cat. Nothing really big happened to me though until the first free time (which is odd cuz normally stuff that affects you happens during the sermons) But the first thing that affected me was when Jenny and I started to sing Disney songs. It was really cool and she actually knew the words to the female parts so I didn't have to sing the whole song on my own. Our voices harmonized really well and I would have loved to keep singing but we ran out of songs. After that and a little random note playing on the piano I decided to go swimming which I knew I would do all along. That turned out to be my biggest downfall, though not at first. I was the first person actually brave enough to take the dive and jump into the pool and then was soon followed by Missy, Jenny, Sara, and Susan. We were having some real fun while Lisa's son watched us and then Kyle showed up to swim too. It was like someone had thrown a brick at my head and I was to stunned to dodge. I just stared until finally I told Missy to smack me which she didn't quite get but did anyway's. After a few minutes of trying to ignore his presence Ash asked if anyone knew how to work the hot tub. I told her I did and went to join her which was a lot easier on my senses than staying where I was. I sat in there with Jenny, Missy, and Ash for awhile, facing away from the pool, and soon Steph, Lizzy, and Jen had joined in with the pool crowed. Eventually I got the point across to Missy what was bugging me so much and she did her best to help me keep my focus. I was so mad with myself the whole time it's not funny, I'm such a moron but I can't even control myself, what good am I? Me and Missy told Jenny what was up with my arm and Missy's shoulders and then Doug came in and told us we had about ten mins until we had to be back for the next session and we should start to change. Once again Missy tried to protect me as the people in the pool got out but failed as I once again fell into my trance like state. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO FREAKING PERFECT??? That's all I want to know, it would have been so much easier to turn away if he didn't fit my perfect guy description to the "T" I mean he even has the personality down. What am I supposed to do in a sitch like this. There wasn't one thing I could see that made him different from my mental image of the perfect guy. I want to go into a list of stuff but don't want to freak ya'll out with how much I can actually think on this topic. He's just to perfect to look away from. anywho, I finally got myself back to the main room and once he put his shirt back on I was a good deal better off than I was at the pool. After awhile we split up into small groups and mine was in the pool room which I found out that when I'm not swimming, the plants in their cause my allergies to act up horribly. Then we did this really cool prayer path thing. Andy and Megan set up a really long windy path made of tape on the ground and all along it were these little stations where we could stop, or not stop and then we could do what the papers said or not and try to get closer to God. I realized just how much I look down on myself as I went through it and how much pain all the others bear as I saw tears in eyes I had never seen show pain or fear, as I saw upset in the posture and in the hearts of all those around me. I learned a lot and now just have to act on it. Afterward I wrote a poem which I will post later and then we all gartered in the pool room to talk of our experiences. After awhile the plants started to get to me too much and I started to hyperventilate and was really glad when we went back to the garage where I nearly collapsed next to a support beam. John V. called me a wimp for that but I got him and all the other guys back for that lata when they all wanted to go to sleep at only one in the morning and I still had enough energy to climb over walls and the like. Finally they allowed me to stay up as long as I was quite and didn't disturb them. So I sat in a chair and watched them all as they slept, yet found my eyes often wandered to the bundle of sleeping bag that was Kyle. He looked so peaceful in his sleep and the songs I had chosen to listen to weren't helping, songs like "Unbreakable heart" and "Do you wanna Kiss (You go first)" I also found out that Wyatt not only snores very loud but in two different frequencies at the same time. When I finally went to bed I had laid my sleeping bag next to a support beam earlier. Unrecognized to me Kyle had laid his so that his feet were like right next to my head and he kept kicking me and the only other place to sleep was right next to him where I had a perfect view. Curse my luck. I eventually go about a half an hour of sleep total. The next morning went pretty well, Kyle hung around me way to much for me to try to ignore him and the worst part is that it hurts me to look away. It's like removing a piece of myself. Every time I try to force myself to look away or think something else it's like someone is trying to rip out my stomach, literally. I don't know what to do anymore. Finally it was time to go, Jenny and I sang a few more songs and then I left. but it couldn't be that easy.
About halfway home from The retreat my car blew a tire and I had no clue what to do. At first I couldn't find a pay phone to call anyone and then when I did my mom said that she didn't know what to do either so she would try to find someone to help me. while I sat there waiting for someone to show up I just wished that there was another person there. Even if they were as clueless as me if there was anyone else there with me I wouldn't have felt half as hopeless. Then I realized exactly what I was thinking. I let the words escape my lips "I wish Kyle was here" how could I say that. I just wanted to cry cuz I felt so alone and so hopeless and I just wanted to be held. Like he would ever hold me. If I even ever told him he's prolly just think me crazy and avoid me instead of be my stalker. I don't know what to do anymore. Finally my Grandpa Gary showed up and helped me and now I have a new tire that I just got tonight but it doesn't help me in my problems outside the car. I feel so weak and helpless and just want to be held sometimes, what do I do? I can hardly stay awake anymore so I'm gonna go, besides this is long enough, no? I hope my mind doesn't wander too much tonight, I hate myself enough already, and yet this comforts me. I'm so confused, what now I ask...what now? lata chicas.
JC
The King of Hearts
MK
current mood: Sappy
current music: Unbreakable Heart- Jessica Andrews (so sad)
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| Sunday, February 8th, 2004
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11:08 pm - I've seen the truth...she tries to hide...pain held within...those chocolate eyes...
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I'm in such a good mood right now, which is really odd considering the odd twists and turns of my day I should just be exhausted. My day started off with my mind wandering right off the bat and I had to bash myself over the head and then ended up in a random, exasperated prayer session in which I was relived. After that I went to church which was really good even though I had started my day off so horribly and I found myself totally on fire for God. We started off Sunday school thinking of names for the youth group then Tug took prayer requests before sending all the guys outside to help escort ppl in so they didn't fall on the ice. I had real fun talking to Andrew and this other little guy who are both in the middle school youth group. After a great sermon my day took another downfall as the whole youth group went to Godfather's for pizza for lunch and when I finally got a parking spot and got inside the very next group of ppl to walk in were the Brenamens. If I wasn't so good at keeping a stone face most of the time I would have just walked by with my mouth open. Then Kyle sat exactly where I could see him perfectly the whole time I ate, but luckily I had Sockrider, Sara and my g/f to distract my eyes from looking strait ahead, Me and Sockrider think it would be really cool if we got together with Missy someday to cook the whole youth group a big meal. anywho~ After that I went back to my house and the girls were supposed to go see if my g/f could come with us but if not had to take her home and then come over too. After awhile Sara showed up and we played video games while she told me how she ditched Sockrider, then Sockrider called and got directions to my house and right before she got here Sara left so then we played some video games and then I had to go to Buck's house for an MT meeting. He went through a small chunk of info mostly about the internship and then we just kinda hung out until the summit started. WE got a really good message from a pastor who's name I can't recall but he'll be continuing next week. He talked about the rapture and the final days and stuff, it was really cool. We were supposed to have a big spaghetti dinner afterwards but I told Courtney that I'd take her home and so we had to leave cuz her wisdom teeth are coming in crooked and the pain medicine was wearing off. This was where I really got my energy from because for a little while she just talked about how much it hurt, when she talked, which didn't bother me cuz I understood totally. But then later either the pain medicine was starting to take effect or she was finding it easier to ignore the pain while talking to me cuz we started talking about a bunch of stuff and I realized that there's a lot in common between us. She told me something that she didn't want to tell the other MT members because she was afraid they would look down on her for it, especially the guys but she said she trusted me, someone who is both on MT and a guy (does happy dance) We talked a lot and I realized why me and Hesseling weren't to keen on her before I think it's because she kept her life a secret pretty much, the specifics were never let out. I really do love that girl, with just one night she showed me just how cool she really is but then when I dropped her off it was so weird. As she got out of the car it almost hurt to let her go, I'm not quite sure why. That's how I feel sometimes when something has to end at an MT overnighter, like when we stop playing truth, I just want it to go on forever. I can't believe how much she reminded me of myself, there's a lot about her past that is similar, though not the same as mine. But I gave my word to keep it to myself, I never break my word only under the most serious of circumstances. well, I'm still hyper but you're prolly annoyed by now so LATA CHICAS!! LOL...
JC
The King of Hearts
MK
current mood:  cheerful
current music: Worship
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| Friday, February 6th, 2004
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11:43 pm - Story update...
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| Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
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10:02 pm - Tired.....so...very...(snores loudly)...
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Man, I need to get to bed soon. I haven't had a good nights sleep in weeks now, even all through the cancellation days that we had lately for almost a whole week I haven't slept much, I was always up late talking to ppl and giving them advice and up early the next morning, awoken to make plans for the day even though I didn't want to be bothered. I've been in the most horrid moods lately where I really just don't want to be around anyone. There's been a good number of ppl on me about how I stopped spending any time with them but I just need some time to myself right now and between school, band and work I have little enough as it is, add in ppl and I'm in the negative as I've said. The main reason I want to be alone I think is a subconscious habit. When I do things or think things or things just happen that make me look at myself as a more horrible person than I already see myself as I tend to pull away from ppl cuz I feel I am unworthy of giving them advice or unworthy of being their friends. It may take me awhile to get back into the swing of things but I hope that I can overcome this one.
Once again I have fallen back into the rut of "oh nice" tends to happen around now when my mood tends to dip and I just want somebody strong to hold me up physically (or maybe just hold me) and I start to notice every guy nearby. my mind has been wandering so horribly lately and I feel like such an ass for letting my g/f down like always. I gave a list to missy the other night (which I'm pretty sure was incomplete) but even so it was huge. I couldn't believe just how bad I had let things get until I put names down on word document and saw the huge list which I eventually split into sections to keep strait. I feel like a completely worthless creature right now and just hope to pull out soon. Until then I guess the world will have to deal with problems on it's own. Until lata chicas.
JC
The King of Hearts
MK
current mood:  embarrassed
current music: Morning After: the worlds top 40 drinking songs on CMT
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| Friday, January 30th, 2004
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11:49 pm - Story update...
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For those of you looking for an actually journal entry, sorry but I'm way to bushed right now to really remember much except what I was talking on the phone with Heather about and that's a really long story, to long for this one entry this late at night. Instead I'm just going to repost the web link to one of my stories on fanfiction.net that I have introduced here. I now have chapter 4 up so have fun.
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1701786
well that's all for now, lata chicas
JC
current mood:  tired
current music: ESCAP? (hahahahaha)
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| Sunday, January 25th, 2004
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10:00 pm - The pain in my arm... almost to much to feel... it's getting to hard to tell...what's a lie and what's real...
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Today was so wrong. It started off amazing with the MT performance and all but right at the end everything started to go downhill. During the last song I remembered a story I had read the night before, ( already typed some about that) but it made me terribly sad for some unknown reason that didn't make sense cuz it was a really sad story but those kind of stories never made me depressed before. Then it hit me. I was standing there listening to the close when I remembered one line in particular of the story I read and just about collapsed with recognition. The line was...
"They both liked to get wasted when things get too hard..."
I suddenly realized what it was that had been plauging me for so long. Me and Ash H. always joke about how I'm secretly an alcoholic and stuff but unbeknownst to anyone is the fact that subconsciously I am. I've never once gotten drunk and only had alcohol a few sips in a year but the disease of alcoholism runs in my family and attacks my thoughts whenever things get to hard. That and a dozen other types of self injury. I'm already addicted to every drug ever made and hurt myself in every way possible without ever taking anything or doing anything to myself. My mind tries to convince me that doing something of this sort will take away all the pain. It will make it all better and it's only by the grace of God that I've lasted this long. not anymore though. with all the depressed ppl around me lately and all the thoughts of my past and present surrounding my mind I couldn't take much more and pulled a Missy. My arm hurts like hell and I know it's my own fault, besides it's what I wanted no. I've got it wrapped now. Let's hope this is all.
JC
current mood:  depressed
current music: Loud Rock
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1:13 am - Stories of love...here causing me pain...depression and sorrow...are all that remain...
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I don't know what to say right now. I've been reading some x-men slash online and it's kinda sweet but the one's I've been reading are stories about how someone (normally Jamie) has been abused or such and can't trust ppl or is so depressed that there is only like one person keeping them alive. I love the way they're set up and they're really good stories but when they remind you that much of your own life they can really hurt as well. Right now I just want to cry and it really doesn't make sense cuz the one I just read had nothing to do with my own past, so why should I cry. I hope I'm better by tomorrow though or else the MT performance is really gonna suck.
JC
The King of Hearts
P.S. I posted the beginning of one of my fics online if you want to read it, it's sailor moon related and really sad though. Here's the address.
http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=1701786
current mood:  weird
current music: sailor moon again
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| Friday, January 23rd, 2004
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11:27 pm - Tears...
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Who cares if I cry, to the world it is only a weakness when a person crys. All who I speak to tell me of the days they cry only because they know that I won't condemn them like so many others would. But I have a short message to send out to the world about tears.
Some see tears as humanities greatest weakness, through them your fears and feelings can be seen and therefore known giving others a chance to harm you. Yet I see tears for what they really are, humanities greatest strength. It is true that in them you may give away you feelings for others to know but in them we show the greatest property of humanity, the ability to feel.
The next time you want to cry but fear being seen remember this. The only reason I prevent my tears when in public is because if I were to show weakness then those who depend on me for support would feel insecure in my strength and try to walk alone which no human should have to do. Or I refuse to cry because ppl don't want to interrupt a person having an emotional moment. If I broke down every time I wanted to then no one would ever want to bother me.
Should tears come, I will be your shoulder, should pain come I will tend your wounds, this is my purpose. I know the pain that others know, I know what it is that ails a person even before they speak and rarely do they hide themselves from me. I know that I take to much pride in what I can do but I understand that my life and comfort are insignificant compared to my purpose. I have discovered that no matter what happens God will be there and now I fear nothing so if I have no fear I can put my self into places others would be to afraid to go including the position of handing the whole of my life over to the wants of other. It has been so long since I have seen the real meaning of vacation that I am beginning to doubt that I will never see a day of true peace until the day I die. There are some who cause me no pain and I wish I could stay forever within their caring, forgiving arms but the truth is that without me in the harshness of reality that the suicide count for Elida high would be much greater than it stands now. Fear nothing, that is all I have left to say...
JC
The King of Hearts
current mood: depressed
current music: Point of Grace
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10:56 pm - Feel...
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Why
Tears that stream unbidden,
pain I could not see,
the gifts that lie within a king,
lay broken hearts on me.
Unseen by the masses,
the terror that's inside.
The power of a demon,
now to great for one to hide.
Sense no the king this torment,
this storm that rages in a subjects heart.
Open wide now pasts of king and subject,
uncover memories from now back to the start.
This life may seem so useless to his purpose,
yet for some reason here we still remain.
We wish we could go home to our sweet Jesus,
escape now all of this worlds pain.
Tears that stream unbidden,
as a king turns his face to the sky.
The past becomes yet again his present,
to the whispered question why?
current mood: pessimistic
current music: whatever my pointer lands on
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| Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
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11:14 pm - An island for me...I'm all alone...with just one friend...to call my own...
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The title here pretty much says it all. But to those who don't know the whole story I'll do a bit of explaining of the day first. My day was rather blah, I started off really good doing my best to not let the Devil into my life and having a good time with Lisa in second period when we both went to the IMC for study hall and ended up doing more talking than working. I found out that she's buhdist and that came as a big surprise to me because she goes to a lot of the TFC things with us. I found out when she was talking to another German exchange girl and she said she was buhdist and Garrett had invited her to come to TFC. Apparently neither of them know much, if anything, about their "religion" and thus are rather interested in Christianity. Which I guess is a good thing but still it came as a big shock that she wasn't a Christian. Like I said though I was doing pretty good, even in band which was really hard. Then in band study hall my mind began to falter but my eyes stayed true. At lunch though Kyle pulled his ever famous appearing move beside me and I totally broke under pressure. I found out that his new class ring makes an excellent pinky ring for me. His hands are so much smaller than I realized. Also in my habit of noticing small details like I normally do I noticed that Darik's ring has an emerald in it meaning that he was most likely born in may which is my birth month. grrr... stupid coincidences.
Tonight at TFC though was really good for me cuz Kyle had drivers ED and so he wasn't there removing most, nearly all, distraction but my mind always wanders to thoughts other than just guys so I'm never really truly okay. Cindy gave her testimony and then Ally was supposed to say something but instead suggested that we all split up into small groups and discuss what's been goin on lately with us all. So I got into a group with John V., Zach M., and Garrett (John said that we were the Manly Men group) and we started to talk. Zach says he's annoyed with ppl in general and I know how he feels and Garrett and John sounded good. I told them that my schedule was in the negative (I have more hours scheduled than I do in the day) and I'm finding it hard to keep focused. Then John asked me what I'm doing to try to step up and be a male leader and I didn't know, I am trying but trying doesn't help much when you don't know what to do. Zach was getting really annoyed about us saying he's so smart when we ended the meeting.
I took Ash and Cassie home. After I dropped Cassie off I took Ash home and we sat and talked like always, I feel bad cuz I should have made her go to bed since she's sick. But that's where the title comes in cuz we got to talking about our little plan to buy an island and live there with no one else. We are going to have a butler named Javier who will speak English, Spanish, and Latin and he will bring us food and supplies. Now Missy is joining the pic to and Ash says she wants to buy the island across the bay from us. This way we don't have to worry about ppl. I'm not sure though whether or not everyone knows just how much I'd love to do that. I want to just leave everything behind and go be by myself forever. If I want anyone it's the MT ppl. I'd even leave my g/f no matter how bad that sounds, that's just how annoyed of ppl I am right now. Well before I start to sound totally crazy I'll leave you ppl. until lata chicas.
JC
The King of Hearts
current mood: giddy
current music: sailor moon (I know I know)
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| Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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10:54 pm - Aromatic thoughts...and friendly dread...to some I'm king...to others dead...
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Man, the last few weeks have been like totally bogus, my mind is rushing trying to comprehend all the stuff that's been going on. I've been on a spiritual roller coaster which is not helping in most of the other categories concerning my life. where to start where to start...I know how about the beginning.
Ummm...some time last week me and Heather started talking a lot and now we're on the computer or the phone every night almost which is really weird cuz she's long distance (hope our parents don't freak, but I have a job so I can cover it) well we've slowly been using one another to gather the courage to look back into our pasts and see exactly why at one point we were so upset as to try to kill ourselves. Me looking back has givin me a lot of insight but it also has caused a lot of old wounds to open leaving gapping holes in my life and while they heal I want to be left alone except for those who understand like heather. I found my 8th grade journal and she's been going through notes from her friendly boy and it's all really confusing. But one thing has happened that has my nerves on end about her. She's already admitted that she's still plagued with thoughts about killing herself and she's been good at keeping them under control but now, it seems, the king of hearts has returned. My abilities went dormant during my last breakdown but now they are doing the one thing that makes me nervous, the one thing that says I have to keep a closer eye on someone. They are giving me more than just insight into her emotions. When on the phone with heather Tuesday I had her emotions, physical pain and gave her an exact layout of what her room looks like without ever seeing it. It's kind of creepy but kind of cool. This rarely happens but when it does I know that I have to keep my guard up, or help someone else keep theirs up which is I think the reasoning here.
on the other hand my past is once again before my eyes and I'm in a real no ppl mood but ppl don't seem to get that point, when I get like this there are very few ppl that I will let close to me and I don't revel all those names because if i do then some may be hurt. My mind is a mess at the moment and i need the alone time to think it all over and sort it out. I need some me and God time cuz my life is just as crazy as my mind without the interference of others. My eyes are pretty much the most defiled things i have ever known, I can't seem to control what I look at anymore, I have long periods of time where it's almost like i'm trapped in a box somewhere inside my head and can't escape until the deed is done. I see my fingers trail across the keyboard or feel my neck crane to get a better veiw but there's little i can do to stop it. I'm so afraid that I'm falling to quickly from God to climb back up again and the weirdest thing is that I've been in the word more than ever now because i'm doing my bootcamp form. Isn't that supposed to help me do better in my everyday life. I just don't get life anymore. I have two friends that want to die. Sara is mad at Susan because Susan is trying to run her life for her by telling her things like who she can and can't drive home. Jay is in a fuss over the fact that his girlfriend cheated on him in the past and now can't think of anything but that she might do it again. And most of all for me I just don't know what to do about most of it. Everyone turns to me for an answer to their problems and I know that I'm gifted with knowledge from the Lord but when that gift is being placed on hold to straiten out my own life it's really hard to give advice, though any give to me would be useful, I hope. Kyle has become a really good friend, but he seems to always be there. Me and my g/f constantly say he's our "stalker" because he tends to be right there whenever we turn around. I love to talk to him and to mess around with him, durring pep band we goof off all the time and I think that Varland thinks I'm trying something else cuz I sense a very annoyed vibe from him. I mean it is very hard to ignore what's right there but I think i'm doing a decent job durring pep band, the rest of the week though I can't say so much, even at TFC my eyes tend to wander. I think i have a real prob on my hands here now. great and I was doing so good. and now i'm talking to myself to boot. I swear i'm crazy, but the crazy person is tired and it's late. Wish ash were on, or heather, or missy they might get something of this. Before I go though i have to add that I wrote varland a note and had steph deliver it for me cuz I couldn't. I asked him to check up on me from time to time cuz I need a male accountability partner seeing as how heather and Ash H. don't fit that build. basically i told him to just keep an eye on me but he hasn't even said anything to me after that and only really acknowleged my presence once, the day I gave him the note as we switched bands he gave me a rather hard slap on the chest. well I don't know what to write anymore so i'm gonna let you ppl go from my insanity. hope you had fun. Till lata.
JC
the King of Hearts
MK
current mood: flirty
current music: sailor moon (pathetic I know)
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| Thursday, January 8th, 2004
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10:52 pm - Two for us... In an attack from him... when all fight back... we're bound to win...
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Tonight was great night, at TFC tonight we had an all praise and worship night where a lot of ppl, mainly ppl who were my close friends broke down into tears, some for unknown reasons. Some of them were; Cassie, Jenny, Sara, Susan, Lesley, and Rachel (a friend of my section member Sara's). I was trying my hardest to praise God tonight which really wasn't all that hard since I love to sing to my God but I also love to glance around the room from time to time and experience the joy that he not only brings me but what he brings to others. I feel their tears of regret, their pain at not knowing why, their joy in his presence, and then I see Kyle playing the air guitar to one of the songs and freeze. I did this at least three times, each time he was making some odd motion to catch my eye otherwise I would have remained watching Cat and Andy sing. Or MiniMc and Steph praise with all their might, I regained thought pretty quickly and went back to praising but still it's kind of scary how I can just freeze up at times. It's all good though cuz after all the MT guys (and most of the MT girls) gathered in one corner to sing complete Zach gave his testimony and John then gave an alter call in which Rachel and another girl named Katie said "yes!" to Jesus. Wooooooooo Hoooooooooo! go God! Okay I'm better now. Then me, Andy, Cat, Steph and Garrett all gathered around them in the back corner by the food table and prayed over them. Afterwards we had fun talking and messin around, everyone was so excited, Lizzy even let me swing her around when she gave me a hug. Kyle and I talked a lot and it was mostly talk to me. Nothing more though there were a few instances in which I had to suppress a thought from forming. Wish Ash could have been there she would have loved it. Well I G2G to bed now I'm bushed, but before I do I'll leave you with the verse my CD recites during my fav. praise and worship song "Let it Reign." lata
Psalms 97
The LORD reigns; let the earth rejoice;
let the many coast lands be glad!
Clouds and thick darkness surround him;
righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne.
Fire goes before him,
and burns up his adversaries in every direction.
His lightening lightens the world;
the earth sees and trembles.
The mountains melt like wax before the LORD,
before the Lord of all the earth.
The heaven proclaim his righteousness;
and all the peoples behold his glory.
I love that, well lata chicas.
JC
The King of Hearts
MK
current mood: ecstatic
current music: worship music (GOD IS GOOD!) echo(ALL THE TIME)
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| Wednesday, January 7th, 2004
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9:26 pm - What would you do...if you felt torn...if you thought your heart was battered...emotions were worn...
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Well, last night I went off on this huge rant and eventually just went off on my friend Ash and now I feel like a real jerk for it. (I'm sooooooo sorry hun, please don't be mad at me) But I was just going on and on about how my heart is so mixed up at the moment that I don't even know what's right anymore. Everything seems to be bearing down all at once ad when the pointlessness of my past does not make me depressed the present problems put me down just as much if not more. I mean I'm getting a lot better at just puttin my past behind me where it belongs, I'm like the person who created that philosophy and I'm the last to follow it, ironic huh? But I'm getting much better at that so the devil has had to find new weapons to use against me. At the moment anger at ppl in general and confusion tend to be his most annoying.
Mabey I should explain some of my present situations. Well... Kyle is becoming more of an annoyance, me and my g/f joke all the time about how he's stalking us cuz when one of us can't find him it's almost assured that he's near the other one. But when you're just walking down the hall talking to someone and glance over your shoulder to find him hovering inches behind you... yah. Also at pep band this week he was around me a lot cuz he normally plays the bass drum which puts him at just the right distance from me so that we can talk but he's at least an arms length away at all time. This time though we played like all the songs where Tyler played his bass drum part so he got to play cymbal or snare and was standing there messing with my tuba the whole time. Do you know what it's like to turn to talk to him thinking he's over by his bass drum and find him inches from your face. It's one of those moments where you smack yourself and go "get ahold of yourself captain" *Scottish accent* so he's been a slight nuisance *winks to Ash H.* You know what I mean right hun. oh well.
Also another big thing to me is what happened at the TFC lock-in. It was goin real good for awhile there. I was havin fun hangin out with all the ppl I don't normally see or get to talk to but that changed after awhile. It was really cool when the first concert began and all the MT members along with a few other went back to the back room to pray for the whole time. Then we came out for the message but most of us were ready to strangle the very rude crowd for talking the whole time. Then when the second concert started some of the MT stayed for a little bit but then most retreated to the back room for some traditional praise and worship thanks to Cathy and her guitar. afterward my g/f had something she said she had to tell me but I had to go work the cafe so it had to wait. I had fun at the cafe where I worked with leanna, Carla, heather, and zach who was hilarious cuz he only had to make the rootbeer floats which weren't ordered that often so whenever he got an order he was like "woo hoo, YES!" then he'd acctually make one and be bored for another ten min. but whenever I had ppl come over to give me an order both he and leanna would butt in with "you want a root beer float right," "no they want a cappuccino" and the girls making chocolate shakes never stopped, they just kept going even when we had no customers. at one point we had six shakes to many. but then I got them all sold cuz I ran the cash box being the only one who had ever really seen a cash register in the group. After that I was gonna talk to my g/f but then Heather was going through an emotional crisis and I strode off to the back hall to talk to her in peace but it wasn't very peaceful since ppl kept coming in and out of the sleeping room and at one point Jenny came back for my g/f, said "by the way I don't mean this," smacked me upside the head, and said "JERK!" After I had gotten Heather half way straitened out she forced me to go talk to my g/f while she kept her spirit's up singing with Wendy downstairs. Then me and my g/f went back to the hall where we talked for a really long time and ended up missing breakfast. She never really told me what she wanted to cuz she kept avoiding the topic be telling me why she was so mad at me. Which I already knew.
Plus it just seems that lately there's been a lot of strain on my heart for many reasons that just make me want to leave the world and find a tiny island somewhere in the middle of no where and take Ash H. with me. We're both so fed up of ppl lately but amazingly it seems not of each other. Besides just being alone with each other would prolly really help our mental states right now. No ppl to cause us any probs or distractions. Right now it seems there is just so much pain in the world and I don't know what to do any more and it's driving me crazy. I knocked over a glass of juice last night and broke down into tears cuz it just seems like the world is out to get me. oh well, I've dealt with a lot in this stupid world and I guess that if I hope to follow God I'll just deal with more even though it doesn't make any sense to me cuz normally when you do something right good things are supposed to happen. well if the exception proves the rule I guess that's true. I'm so confused about everything I can't even joke on it anymore. well I'm gonna go so I'll type back lata cuz I know I forgot something. well lata.
JC
My thoughts are plagued with words of man,
yet truth of God is heard as well,
while my mind lies in confusion,
where my heart is I can't tell.
p.s. Hesselling, I don't think we need to worry about verse 4 anymore, k.
current mood:  confused
current music: worship songs
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| Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
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1:14 am - An unhappy night...and a fitful morn...leave words with wings...that for me mourn...
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Hey guys, I'm all better now and I don't really have much to write on except that the TFC new years eve lock in is tomorrow (wo-hoo) and I'm in a really good mood for some unknown reason. Anywho I wrote a song last night and thought I'd share it with the world. I don't know why I always write my songs with a loud rock beat to them so don't ask, anywho here's the song. Lata
Worthless Life
Looking back on all my fears,
back on all my tears.
Reaching out to you.
Calling out your name,
hopeing to stay sane.
I see no light in all I do.
My life is left far behind,
Fragments of my broken mind.
There's no hope that I can see,
In the life to come for me.
Why bother now to stay?
Why live my life this way?
(chorus)There goes the future I once had,
these dreams of mine have all turned bad.
Once I had hope for things to come,
but all my hopes have now gone numb.
I walk this world and try to live,
But there's little that I can give.
My heart is shredded to the core,
This darkness mine forever more.
So far I've nothing to my name,
my past and present all the same.
These memories scream how evil's won,
this life is wasted, nothing done.
These depths we live in hold no light,
no reason left to fight,
so we wait for death to come.
Yet you have reached into this place,
shone light on every face,
only accepted though by some.
I wish to leave and not return,
these memories here I wish to burn.
Yet past will not be thrown aside,
from painful memories I can't hide.
My life I find so hard to live,
even with hope that you now give.
Return again to what once was,
tricked once again to what evil does.
(repeat chorus)
Now see the truth that's always been,
weakness found in hearts of men,
can't face this world alone.
Yet powers we've not seen,
help to our side this battle lean,
our failers they atone.
The paths will open far and wide,
from evils precense we can't hide.
Yet with his help now evils beat,
he'll take our hands and guide our feet.
His loving nature we can't explain,
he's helped us break now evils chain.
Only through him shall light be shown,
so let this seed of love be sown.
My future now I see returned,
the dreams I've had no longer burned.
Again I have hope and light to stay,
never from him will I go astray.
There's so much left that I can give,
a reason now for me to live.
My heart now healed this darkness gone,
before me he has placed a new dawn.
All that was mine I give to him,
erase my past, my greatest sin.
Begin anew this life of light,
my past of nothing I'll now set right!
JC
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Frou Frou (It's good to be in love) (song title)
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| Monday, December 29th, 2003
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11:28 pm - Wasted...life gone...for me there's little...to cause new dawn...
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Where should I even begin. Probably back at the MT overnighter which was really cool. Well at the over nighter there were a lot of things that happened that I have to cover plus what happened since then so be sure to bring refreshments or something, mabey a pillow. I know I don't sound to depressed right now but my mind doesn't really have any control over what's going down it's too busy so I'm just letting my hands go as they please. Anywho at the MT overnighter we got off to a rather bad start when the first piece of news really exchanged by anyone was from Courtney and Dani saying they got into a car accident and that's why they weren't there. After we got through the shock and prayed for them we went down to the basement and turned out the lights to play "pitch black pillow fight" the guys all went first so as not to have to hold back for the girls and then the girls went. Then we all went upstairs and played "Truth," no dare just truth where we could ask anyone anything and they would have to respond truthfully. We got some good stuff out. We finally got zach to admit that he's like petrified of girls (in the I like you kind of way not in general) and Ronnie told us who he had a thing for, which I will not mention here. Then we ate and then we got in a big circle on the couches, (I was between heather and missy who both had a tendency to use me as a pillow) and we did this whole thing where they threw a stuffed animal around the circle and whoever caught it was next to speak and we all had to speak. What we talked about wasn't really defined it was just kind of our time to talk about how we've been doing and stuff. When it got to me I started to talk and mention some stuff about how my past haunts me daily and started to get depressed so I gave the animal to someone else. It eventually got to Heather who started to talk and mentioned how winter months always got her depressed then the animal went to someone else but she was really down. for the next hour or so when one of us was in an "okay" period we kept checking on the other to make sure they were okay, we new we weren't but we kept asking. Then we went into a lengthy prayer time where we were supposed to pray alone or in small groups to get right with God. But I just went into a dark corner. Finally let everything that was haunting me out on the couch sink in and started to cry, sitting there alone in the dark where I was sure no one could see or hear me but I had a good view of them. When Ronnie approached I gathered my composure and tried to hold back more tears but some slipped through. He sat there and asked for my prayers which I said he had and somehow I ended up telling him that I needed his prayers to help suppress the thoughts of my past and he said that's how he used to be until he learned that God gave us the power to cast the devil back into hell we can say "Go to Hell demon" and he must listen. For we have the authority to stomp on his face or something like that. That advise has helped a lot to just remember that I'm in control here, or well God is. Then Heather came over and I had seen her earlier staring out the window crying (I'm pretty sure no one but me would have noticed so I didn't mention it) Again through a series of circumstances she told us her story and why she is so depressed. She told us about how one winter she tried to (This is on the D.L. you guys don't let her know I told you, but me and Ronnie think it's amazing) one winter she jumped off a 20 foot scaffolding 6 times without a scratch trying to kill herself. that's like jumping out of a second story window six times, mabey even a third my math isn't good. From that point on we all found we had many common grounds and became what Heather calls the "three musketeers" we spent most of the rest of the night together. Sure we left each other at times but to me it felt kind of weird without them around. Then we sat through a rather nice talk by Buck in which he mentioned a story about an 80 year old man who gave his life to Christ and then was found crying because he had wasted his whole life. And that story is what lead up to tonight.
Tonight at work I was having some rather odd thoughts cross my mind, most of which I don't even remember but they weren't my normal stuff that I think about at work. Also I had this one song stuck in my head but I only know one part of the last verse so it was getting really annoying. Finally these kids came in with their mom, by kids I mean one my age and his younger brother who brought a friend both of which I say about 13-14 years old. Well after five to ten minutes I had to smack myself because even though I was still doing my job efficiently I had somehow begun to stare. Then the full force of that speech from Buck and the song I had stuck in my head hit. I think my mind was singing this song to God, trying to give me a warning.
There goes my life,
There goes my future,
My everything,
I love you... baby goodbye,
There goes my life...
Now I sit here, pictures flashing before my distant staring eyes of all the things I've done, all the things I've seen, wanted, wished for, dreamed of, every injustice to God that is retained in my memory is here, now, as it will forever be in my heart. It is hard for a grown man to cry for fear that his tears will make him less a man but how much harder is it for a male not yet grown still trying to prove that he is a man to cry. yet I fear not these tears for they only stand to prove that I am truly as weak as I say myself to be. There are days where I try my hardest to be the best that I can, like my day out with my g/f but then there are also days where I don't really seem to care (more lately than not) these are the days I look back on and repeat that phrase to myself "there goes my life" What have I really done to deserve to live, nothing. There is no reason God should keep me here I only tarnish his name with every breath I take. So why do I remain to live such a feeble life on the lines of Christianity and the underworld. I don't know why it has to be this difficult to say no but it is and because of it I live in a realm of destroyed hope, of distress and terror, of fear for what I may do next when my mind once again takes over my body. I look back upon myself on days like this and cry, I make myself sick to think of the things I've done or said or seen but there will be another day when this part of me will be suppressed and the dark side will once again rise to take over and do horrible things and once done with it's rampage will leave the light shattered and weeping as it looks back on what it has done while possessed. This may not be making any sense to any of you but I firmly believe that I have two totally separate sides of me, like a schizophrenic, and the dark one will consume me to make me think these things then go back in and let the real me feel the pain for what I've thought or done. I don't know what it is I'm supposed to do anymore but I keep trying. Keep searching. I'm making no sense anymore so I'll go. Let you forget about my rantings for that is all they are, the madness of a weakling put into word. until we meet again my chicas.
JC
P.S. Wish I could've seen Heather tonight, she always seems to make me feel better, even when she's depressed, I love that girl (no not in that way) Her and Ronnie are forever in my prayers. I hope they know that...
current mood: depressed
current music: The chaos of one's own mind
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| Thursday, December 18th, 2003
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10:56 pm - Sleep...something I turn down...because the words you say to me...tend to wipe away my frown...
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I'm am like totally bushed right now but that's okay with me cuz I'm in a really good mood for multiple reasons. First off me and Ash are back talking again even though it seems like the whole thing was a huge understanding (I still feel horrible but I know that no matter what I say she'll just retaliate until super cow flys in from Iowa to stop her) and that has me in a really good mood. Then tomorrow is our last day at school before Christmas break. Technically it's supposed to be called "Winter Break" now but all those morons out there who are so politically correct can go home and worship their nonexistent god because mine is the reason we have this break and that's all that matters. With that sudden spurt of riotousness I lead into my third reason for being happy, I just came from TFC where first off John gave a great message and then at the end we gave all the prayer requests (some of them were so sad like Alexis's dad getting all the bones below his waist broken) but then we had all the praises for God that week and we went through some good ones like Malichi getting to see his family for the first time in 6 months (I don't know how a high school kid could do that) but the one that really touched me was when I announced that I had been shown a piece of God today when Sarah (The youngest tuba, and only girl) came up to me and asked me if I could give her the place and time for TFC, then tonight she showed up with her friend Rachel who admitted that she was brought up Roman Catholic and had never really gone to church after confirmation though but in this one hour she felt so much closer to God than she ever had before. I felt so good because of that, I don't know why, I didn't do anything to bring her there which was fault on my part but I still felt good and now I'm just in this really good mood.
Lately I've been in a much better mood than normal because I have been more into my bible than usual. I have been studying Psalms as in depth as I know how, which I know is no where near inductive but I don't know how to get anymore inductive. That is why I really want to go to TFC boot camp this summer. For the most part of what I remember it has been a really good week. One thing that I think I've forgotten to mention in like all of my entries is that in like the past 4 or 5 months, I think it's been that long, I have not even seen Joel in study hall because where ever I happen to be for my study hall he isn't. If I go to the normal room he's in the library, if I go to the library he's in the normal room. It's kind of creepy but I know it's really a blessing from God. One person that's really been starting to get to me lately though is Kyle, Carla's little bro. I love him like a big bro would and we have real fun together. He's the kind of person who I'd love to just throw into a group of the rest of my friends and head out to a party or something. But that doesn't change how my emotions react toward him and I have to be really careful sometimes cuz I catch myself literally about to do things that I don't even think about, I didn't even know that was possible. I've said I did that before but their was some though process there here I just am about to do things, oh so annoying. But contrary to popular belief it's a lot easier to resist so I'm good. especially with God on my side. Yet it's still kind of annoying how I can be sitting at lunch talking to my friends like I always do and he comes over and punches me in the back (it's like a custom for us to fake injure each other constantly) but when I turn around to wave as he smiles and walks off I find him hovering over my chair grinning like a Cheshire cat. *rolls eyes and grins* oh well. I think I've covered enough for tonight for you ppl to mull over, I'm gonna go fall asleep to one of the religious CD's Sara burnt for me. Lata chicas.
JC
The King of Hearts
MK
current mood: bouncy
current music: TFC Live (best show on earth)
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| Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
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9:29 pm - Anger from sorrow...temper from pain...how long will it be...till my emotions wane...
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What next I ask... is there anything else that wants to happen. My g/f decided to pull another breakdown maneuver tonight and I'm worried as all get out but in my emotionally confused state with abilities going haywire and past flaring uncontrollably my worry and caring immediately becomes anger and frustration. Her mom called my house and talked to my mom about how worried she was which I'm pretty sure was bogus but I was about to call Sara and Missy when I figured it would be easier to check online first and sure enough there she was over at Missy's house having a mental breakdown and swearing she was fine. She called me after two or three comment and continued to swear she was fine until her mom came and picked her up and they "went out" somewhere. Then back online Missy told me how she wasn't sure how she could have been fine when she was crying so much.
Now my brother is being a total nuisance and commanding that he have the computer because I'm "always" on but I don't see how I can always be on here when I'm almost always at work or something TFC related. So he can just go suck it cuz I'm fed up with ppl thinking they know everything and that they are the only important person in this world.
another thing that decided to go totally against me was when because of two small conversations I had with someone I've lost like the only person that I really talk to when something is wrong with me. I've lost one of the closest friends I ever had because I couldn't control my temper and just stay quiet. No I had to go all demonic and start yelling things at the computer and then type all that up in only a slightly more humane voice to send to her. Now she won't even talk to me. Every time I try to say something she just pulls away, sometimes making a comment like "why would I want to tell you." or she just gets offline when I get on, I don't know what to do anymore. The more I try to do what others tell me and step back to look at myself for awhile instead of placing the focus on other ppl the more my world and theirs tend to fall apart. I don't know what to do anymore, my world its destroying itself, other ppl are falling to pieces around me and I can't stop it. Where do I turn to now. I call myself a writer and in my words you see my true emotions, the ones that I won't show throughout the day. If you read what I've wrote as of late then you will see that there's a lot of pain in or at least around me. Because I sense other's pain I think that part of my sadness is what they refuse to accept or express but I know is there. Now I write things with such titles as "Thoughts of a Dead Girl." What does this make you think of. Well I have to get going so that my brat of a brother can get on, until lata chicas.
JC
current mood: annoyed
current music: Christian tunes (new cd sara gave me, one of three)
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