Blurty for *.....Kimberly.

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Tuesday, February 17th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:hope you like reading alot...
Time:8:05 am.
Mood: creative.
Music:[] blink 182 [] down [].
What is your full name? Kimberly Ann Shell
1. Nicknames? kim, Cutie Kimmy, pud-gey, cake, babe, oi american sometimes too.. lol.
2. b-day: december 2nd 1987
3. Age: 16
4. Sex:female.
5. Social security:hmm i dont know..
6. Where do you live? hell... [slovakia, bratislava]
7. What school do you attend? *sighs* why did u have to remind me.. british international school of bratislava
8. Siblings and their ages? danny 22... matts 26 and shawn is 30..
9. Pets:dont have any..
10. Zodiac Sign:sagitarious
11. Righty or Lefty: right handed..

*********YOUR LOOKS*********

12. Hair color: dark brown..
13. Eye color: green/hazel-ish
14. height: 5'7
15. Do you wear contacts or glasses? no.. although i do need glasses...
16. Do you have any piercings? ive got 3 each on my ears.. and my bellybutton..
17. if so what do you have pierced? ^ look up! [its a bird its a plane...]
18. Do you have a tattoo? no damnit... i wish so..
19. If so what and where? well i WILL get.. tinkerbell on the small of my back.. a black rose on
my hip..speradic stars everwhere.. and something in fancy cursive letters .. not sure what tho..
20. Do you wear any rings? *nods* lots..
21. Do you have a certain fashion you follow? ummm *shrugs* i wear what looks good. black looks good on me..

**********JUST LATELY***************

22. How are you today? not bad, thanks.
23. What pants are you wearing right now? um baggy jeans.
24. what shirt are you wearing right now: uhh its black with a red star.
25. What underwear are you wearing right now? blue 'hipsters' with stars and a matching bra..
26. What does your hair look like at the moment? um.. i just got outta the shower. so its wet.. i think i look like a
drowned rat..
27. What song are u listening to right now? how come whenever ur on the computer people automaticly think
You're listneing to music?
28. What was the last thing you ate? pasta
29. How is the weather right now? sunny.. damnit.
30. Last person you talked to on the phone: hmmm i think it was lola.
31. Last Dream you can remember: uh last nights. [aparently] i was in the mall with LOS [hahha]
32. Who are you talking to right now? no one, losers are at school!
33. What time is it? 2:25 pm

**********More about YOU!**************

34. What are the last four digits of your phone number? i dont know.. *laughs* fucking slovaks..
35. If u were a crayon, what color would you be? black.. lol but i am white..
36. Have you ever almost died? from alcohol poisioning i think i almost did...
37. How do u eat an Oreo: i dont eat oreos.. they leave a wax-ish feeling in ur mouth..
38. What makes you happy? my friends..
39. What's the next CD you are going to buy? hmm i wont buy one for awhile.. maybe KSE? or brand new?
40. What's the best advice ever given to you? ..that would have to be either, 'quit drinking so fast' or .. 'think of something else when u want to cut.' even if i didnt listen, the people that told me that had the best intentions in mind for me
41. Have u ever won any special award? umm i think the last award i got was for an artchery competition when
I was like 11. wow.. that takes me back..
42. Do u like to dance? *nods* thats what are the clubs in bratislava are for..
43. Worst sickness u ever had? my depressions a pretty bad sickness...
44. What's the stupidest thing u ever done? hmm.. LOL a couple.. stupidest thing.. piercing shanas belly button
a saftey pin.. haha or.. drinking sooo much u hit on KONSTA. lol..
45. What's your favorite memory? favorite memory.. *thinks awhile* theres acouple.. [1] seeing a guy that
turned you down half a year ago at the mall.. and have him staring at you going, "damn" [2] december last
year.. i was home and happy... [4] The moment when your outside.. looking up at sky.. and you dont see
any stars.. but then they all just pop out at you. [5] getting over him.
46. If u could change one thing about yourself what would it be? woah woah.. quite a few things.. but if it can
only be one thing.. then everything.
47. Where do you shop the most? no where in this god forsaken country.
48. How many kids do you want to have? 2-3
49. Son's name? not sure
50. Daughter's name? not sure. [natille] ?
51. Do you do drugs? nah.. weed acouple times.. but no.
52. Do you drink? ohhh yes... last time i drank i had 2 shots of jack daniels.. one shot of something i dunno what
it was.. 2 tequillas, one beer, and 4 malibus.
53. What kind of shampoo and conditioner do you use? um.. something slovak. but before it was herbal essencess.
54. What sport do you hate the most? soccer.. [for people that actually think its a sport] cheerleading.
55. What are you most scared of? that one day, ill be pushed over the edge...
56. How many TV's do you have in your house?6
57. Do you have your own? no.. it will take up too much room..
58. Do you have your own phone line?no..
59. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?yea
60. Have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone: nope.. despite how clumbsy i am..
61. Who do you dream about: a complete fucking stranger whom i only know in my dreams.. my friends u idiot.
62. Who do you tell your dreams to? andrew, los, er.. anyone who was in it.
63. Who's the loudest friend you have: lola.
64. Who's the quietest friend: nicole.
65. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? just one, babe.
66. Do you believe in Love? ew.. when i read that that cher song came oin my head.... *gags* yea.
67. Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? yup.
68. Do you have a crush? uh.. my boyfriend..
69. Who is your crush? uh boyfriend..
70. Do you believe in Love at first sight? somewhat..
71. What song do you want played at your wedding? lmao. the song that goes, "you and me baby ain`t nothing
but mamals, so lets do it like they do on the discovery channel.' just kidding.. i think that blink song 'lost
without you' is a great one.
72. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? smile. eyes. dick size O.O just kidding. lol.
73. Are you shy too ask someone out? haha NO.. sometimes guys are too shy to do it themselves, so i do it.. i
have no patience.
74. Who do u want to spend the rest of your life with? a guy who loves me even tho he knows all of my flaws.
75. Do you find yourself attractive? hardly.
76. Do you find yourself ugly? thats one way to put it.
77. Do others find you attractive? the losers.. haha
78. Making out with J. Lopez or Brittany Spears? i think i would rather burn my tounge off..
79. What's worse having your tonsils or appendix Removed? not sure..

* ON GUYS FOR GIRLS TO FILL OUT (for girls only) *

80. Boxers or briefs: boxers.
81. Six pack or muscular arms: both hehe
82. Good or bad guys: a little bit of both.
83. Hat or no hat: hat
84. Dimples or not? hmm doesnt matter..
85. Stubble or neatly shaven: doesnt matter.
86. Studly or cutie: depends.. studlys are concided sicks..
87. Accent or not: as long as its not a britsh accent. slovak and russian accents are pretty hot.
88. Glasses? sure why not
89. Smart or dumb: smart.
90. What sport should he play? basketball, baseball.. or none.
91. dependent(whipped) or independent? little of both.


***********Pick One: THIS OR THAT**********

115. Lights on/off: off
116. sun or rain? rain
117. Mickey D's(McDonalds) or BK(Burger King)? MD
118. Scary or happy movies better? if im alone, happy. with someone, scarry.
119. Backstreet Boys or N*Sync? id rather burn my ears off than listen tothem.
120. On the phone or in person? person.
121. Paper or plastic? paper ??
122. Sausage or pepperoni? neither.
123. Summer or winter? hmm summer. [show some skin babe]
124. hugs or kisses?both are fan-fucking-tastic
125. Chocolate or white milk: chocolate..
126. Root Beer or Dr. Pepper: root beer
127. Glass half full or half empty? 'my eyes are too blurry from tears to even see a glass.'
128. Tape or DVD: doesnt matter
129. Cats or Dog? dog. [ i think tinkerbells a good name, damnit andrew]
130. Mud or Jell-O wrestling: jello.. u can eat it offa 'em.
131. Vanilla or Chocolate:chocolate.
132. Skiing or Boarding: boarding
133. Day or night: night
134. Cake or pie: pie
135. Diamond or pearl: diamond
136. sunset or sunrise: sunset.. cause the nights soon after

Wow I was bored...okay here's another one!

Three things that scare me:
1.myself
2. spiders
3. not beling loved

Three people who make me laugh:
1. andrew
2. lacey
3. lola

Three things I love in no particular order:
1. stars
2. music that makes u cry
3. and....... milka bars!

Three things I hate:
1. pop music
2. slovak guys who say pekney to me.. [beautiful]
3. my father

Three things I don't understand:
1. how there can be so much pain in the world.
2. the slovak language
3. how my mind works..

Three things on my desk:
1. a stuffed animal
2. my poems
3. "complete works of william shakespeare'

Three things I'm doing right now:
1. watching will and grace
2. talking to my mom
3. filling this out. [im o so clever]

Three things I want to do before I die:
1. go sky diving
2.get tattoos
3. have a family

FIVE things I can do:
1. cry
2. laugh
3. write poems
4.lie
5. love

Three ways to describe my personality:
1. i dont think ill do this one. not many people know my real personality.
2.
3.

Three ways to describe my looks:
1.i think ill skip this one too
2.
3.

Three things I can't/don't do:
1. speak slovak
2. listen to my father
3. stop bad habits

FIVE things I think you should listen to:
1. lost prophets
2. killswitch engage
3. funeral for a friend
4. finch
5. brand new

Three things I don't think you should listen to... ever:
1. the authorities
2. your parents.
3. that little vioce inthe back of your head.

Three things I say the most:
1. jesus christ
2.fan fucking tastic
3. ostia puta madre!!!!!!!!!!!!

Three things I'd like to learn:
1. how to play the piano
2. how to get along well with others
3. how to stop acting like a cold hearted bitch

Three beverages you drink regularly:
1. diet coke
2. sweet tea
3. alcohol. lol [mudslides]

Three shows you watched when you were a kid:
1. rainbow brite
2. alergras castle
3. i cant remmeber the name, but it had nombes in it, and the main one was a doctor.

1. Spell your first name backwards. llehs
2. The story behind your blurty username? um i have a weird obsession with stars.. and darks. just.. that..


Describe your...
[ x ] Jewelry worn each day: jellies.. ear rings. not too exciting
[ x ] Pillow cover ? oh um.. spongebob, penguins.. a blue one and a purple one.
[ x ] Favorite shirt ? *shrugs* i think my midtown one justin gave me..
[ x ] Cologne/Perfume? adidas! victorias secret 77
[ x ] CD in stereo right now ? POD, finch, 3 days grace
[ x ] Piercings? 7... 6 in ear.. belly button

Who or What (was/is/are)

[ x ] In my mouth - tounge [lmao at andrew hahhaha]
[ x ] In my head –perverted thoughts lol
[ x ] Wishing ? i was happy!
[ x ] After this ? im gonna go watch tv
[ x ] Fetishes ? heheh
[ x ] If you could get away with murder who would you kill?... my father, darrell web,
[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now? *sighs* my real friends
[ x ] Is next to you ? my mom..
[ x ] Some of your favorite movies ? american beauty.. peter pan [diseny version]
[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month? march.. uh im going to london for 4 days
without my parents...
[ x ] The last thing you ate? pasta
[ x ] Do you like candles? fire!
[ x ] Do you like incense? yea
[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood?cant say i do..
[ x ] Do you believe in love ? [damn cher] yea
[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight ? maybe
[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die? not sure...
[ x ] Who is your worst enemy ? myself my father
[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? a penguin would be cool.
[ x ] What are some of your favorite candies ? hot tamalies
[ x ] What's something you wish you could understand better ? how the world works.

A - Act your age!? haha sometimes
B - Born on what day of the week? wed.
C - Chore you hate? i dont have chores//
D - Dad's name? shit head.. i mean monty
E - Essential makeup item? eyeliner
F - Favorite actor? eh
G - Gold or silver? silver
H – Hometown? winchester
I - Instruments ?
J - Job title? haha
K - Kids? yes ?
L - Living arrangements? flordia
M - Mom's name? debbie
N - Number of people you've slept with? 4 on a non sexual way.. 2 in a sexual way, but we didnt fuck.
O - Overnight hospital stays? none.
P - Phobia? spiders. being lied to?
Q - Quote you like? 'and in the end peter pan tore off tinkerbells wings so she could never leave. sometimes
loves just another way to bleed' theres many more..
R - Religious affiliation? uh ..
S - Sibling? 3
T - Time you wake up? [IF I DO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP] 7... weekends.. 9ish.. vacations.. 1
U - Unique habit? im a good liar.
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat? spinach. pepers
W - Worst habit? uh.. biting my nails.. among other things...
X - X-rays you've had? none
Y - Yummy food you make? cookies!
Z - Zodiac Sign? sagitarious

Wednesday, February 11th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:..We can live like Jack and Sally if we want..
Time:8:33 am.
Mood: scared.
Music:[]blink 182[]awake[].
[x]I swear that I can go on forever again..Please let me know that my one bad day will end I will go down as your lover, your friend Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin Are you afraid of being alone Cause I am, I'm lost without you Are you afraid of leaving tonight Cause I am, I'm lost without you I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreamingAnd if you will, keep me from waking to believe this Are you afraid of being alone Cause I am, I'm lost without you Are you afraid of leaving tonight Cause I am, I'm lost without you Are you afraid of being aloneCause I am, I'm lost without you Are you afraid of leaving tonight Cause I am, I'm lost without you Are you afraid of being alone Cause I am, I'm lost without youAre you afraid of leaving tonight Cause I am, I'm lost without you I'm lost without you I'm lost without you[x] ..aw isnt that just the nicest song..

well see, i have been in a good mood, and the only thing that was wrong with me is the face that i miss andrew alot.. [hence the song] BUT while i was typing this.. the school called my parents.. 2 teachers have a metting with my parents tomorrow. now, i know one of them is with mrs. radoja.. cause well i hate her and she hates me.. and the other one could either be ms. legg or ms. conway.. im not scarred of either of those two. but im sure dad will come home pissed as hell and want to kill me.. ill just have to shrug it off and say whatever they want to here. ill be grounded. for.. 2 months. depends on what they hear. anyways, im grounded! so this might be my last entry for awhile.. damnit.. i fuckin hate it here.. i called my dad a nazi today.. i think hes mad.. haha. o well... i havent gone to school all week. tomorrow im going tho.. but, i dont have school all next week. which if im grounded that will suck.. fuuuuckin hell. bitch bitch bitch thats all my dad does. YES! i had an idea.. muahaha i cant say on here.. cops might be tapping in and reading this... muahahaha.. i am brilliant.. well anyways.. goodbye for awhile.. maybe.. damnit i fucked things up.. if i dont get to talk to my friends back home.. especially andrew.. ill die..

Saturday, January 31st, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:And thats what girls dreams are made of.. And thats all you need to know..
Time:7:07 am.
Mood: bored.
Music:ive got that damn milkshake song stuck in my head...
:x:Last night you gave me a kiss You didn't know it, but I was awake when you did You were quiet, you were gonna let me sleep So I just laid there pretending to be You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never sounded so sincere It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving Now that I know just how much you care You finally gave me one good reason not to go But staying here is my worst fear This morning I rolled out of bed Recalling all the sweet things you said This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad Called out your name, but you didn't answer back I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone All along I knew that there was something missing And only one thing left to do I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living But the only thing that left was you It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving Now that I know just how much you care You finally gave me one good reason not to go But being alone is my worst fear And staying here is my worst fear:x:

well i havent updated in awhile.. ok like 3 days or something, but thats a long time for me, considering i do it almost everyday. this morning mom woke me up at nine o'clock to tell me they were leaving to vienna. well what the fuck.. so then i couldnt sleep. tonight i have to go to dinner with my parents and there important people. shit. then afterwards dad is going out "with the guys" to get wasted for his birthday. i think mom and dad have realized im not going to say happy birthday to him. and it only took 5 days. christ i hate him. anyways.. LOL yesterday in art i got yelled at for making the teacher look stupid. *laughs* she hates me.. she goes, "kim i didnt think you were that kind of girl, honestly.." and i go, "ms. your talking to me like im a whore." great thing about it is that shes all english and proper and whatnot.. and the fact that i said whore almost gave her a heart attack. haha, that bitch. and also, i pissed off this other english guy. hes really anti american.. so i would ask him questions with a real southern accecnt. stupid questions. *laughs* Id pretend to be a total blond air head.. and say, oh, i guess its cause your american you dont understand. [he knew what i was trying to do] and i go oh sir, i guess ur a close minded prick because ur english. yesterday just wasnt the day to fuck with me. and Andrejs gonna fucking burn in hell that damn slovak. OMG.. last night i watched american beauty for the first time. we have had the DVD forever, but i just now got around to watching it.. that is THE BEST movie EVER.. besides peter pan and cinderella of course. lol... i knew that girl was faking being a whore. later lovelys..

Tuesday, January 27th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:these cuts are deep and the scars are there for all to see..
Time:2:56 pm.
Mood: happy.
Music:[wow im happy!] no music.
I've got a book of mathes I've got a can of kerosene I've got some bright ideas involving you and me I don't blame you for walking away I'd do the same if iI saw me I touch myself at thoughts of flames I shat the bed and laid there in it Thinking of you wide awake for days And I found you tounge tied In my twisted little brain You couldn't crack a smile I didn't catch your name I don't blame you for walking away I'd do the same if I saw me
I swear it's not contagious In four short steps we can erase this Step one: slit my throat Step two: play in my blood Step three: cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house Step four: stop off at edgebrook creek and rinse those crimson hands You took me hostage and made your demands I couldn't meet them so you cut of my fingers one by one I'm like a broken record I've got a needle scratching me It injects the poison of alcohol I.V. I don't blame you for walking away I'd do the same if I saw me I swear it's not contageous Swear to god it's not contageous Step one: slit my throat step two: play in my blood Step three: cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house Step four: stop off at lake michigan And rinse those crimson hands You took me hostage and made your demands I couldn't meet them so you cut of my fingers one by one This could be love (love for fire) this could be love (love for fire) This could be love (love for fire) This could be love For fire forevermore Step one: slit my throat Step two: play in my blood Step three: cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house Step four: stop off at berkeley marina And rinse those crimson hands you took me hostage and made your demands I couldn't meet them so you cut of my fingers one by one..


i got my package from my darlin andrew! yay! ok so i told him i wanted 2 notebooks, one blue, and one any other color but black, so i can write on the front.. and what does he do.. get a black one. hhaha s'ok tho cause the teddy bears sooooo cute and soft! aw its so cute, i love him so much!.. andrew.. and the bear lol. it snowed today! damnit! and its STILL snowing.. if i were back home i wouldnt have to go to school tomorrow! i tol mom if it gets over 7 inches im not going.. i have to walk to the bus stop! lol fuck that! ahh my teddy bears so cute. i have to think of a name! if anyone can think of one comment me!!! and no, andrew im not going to name it andrew. lol.goodnight lazy people!

...Tell me that you have never taken a blade to drag it across your skin, and pray for the courage to press down... [wow isnt that some.. powerful stuff.. more or less]

Monday, January 26th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:regardless, we know that my pictures dont line your mirror.
Time:2:53 pm.
Mood: depressed.
Music:[]none[].
:x:Here you stand seething with guilt. Silence only justifies this act of cowardice. The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness, the one thing that I cannot give you. Did you ever see that one person and the way they do these things and it hurts so much it's like choking.. choking? I can give you freedom from your guilt,
with a flick of my wrist onto yours. I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile. I can give you death with the look upon my face. This is your freedom in a life of fallacy, with no last kiss & no regrets; you don't deserve good bye. This is your freedom in a life of fallacy, with no last kiss & no good bye. Here you stand seething with guilt. Silence only justifies this act of cowardice. With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss. No story book ending for this fairy tale of you. Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand. Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end. Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person, and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?So much it's like choking down the embers of a great blaze. It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds. You let this one person come down on the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have.. I'll never have.. I'll never... Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.. standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in. But this table for one has become bearable. I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you. Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much? So much it's like choking down the embers of a great place. It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions and to scream confessions at the insipidsky parting clouds. And you let this one person come down.. come down. I cherish you.. I cherish you. Just say that you would do the same for me.. just say you would do the same.. just say you would do the same for me. For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.:x:

had a bad day again. i feel so stupid for complaining about this. and im so tired of this ugly fake smile i wear... and i miss andrew so much it makes me sick to the point i cant sleep... i wish i could dream..

Saturday, January 24th, 2004

(1 [[seems to care]] | [feel my pain])

Subject:no one around.. so you slash pretty skin...
Time:5:18 pm.
Mood: gloomy.
Music:[] count the stars [].
:x:Bite the tongue... to live with what you've done... It's so good... Lie to myself while I lie with myself... It's Monday and it's raining... It's Sunday in the sun... It's so good... but... Would it be so bad... if you were to pretend that you were so happy?... Keep it to yourself....don't let the secret go... If you were so willing... But let's pray for this suicide.. and all these pictures falling down.. around me. ..I've surrounded myself with all I have inside... Would I bite my tongue.... and live with what you've done?... Just continue sleeping? ..Selfishly consumed... with everything you've wrought...There's nothing I can do... But let's pray for this suicide.. and all these pictures falling down... One wish full.. step to the side... And please just let me know... Are you happy? I'll decide... These stories are so old... how they match your eyes... But let's pray for this suicide... and all these pictures falling down. ..One wishful...step to the side.. and pick these pictures from the ground.. that surround me...:x:

hmm. a very uneventful day. went shopping with mom. came home, watched tv. talked to lola and konsta. and BOOM. thats it. heh. andrejs fucking killing me! ahhh this asshole.. and STILL no package *tear*

Friday, January 23rd, 2004

(1 [[seems to care]] | [feel my pain])

Subject:*.. let the (( blood )) run down my arms, THEN you can tell me everythings ok*
Time:4:31 pm.
Mood: sad.
Music:[] matchbox 20 [] rest stop [].
:x:this is the first day of my last days.... i built it up now i take it apart.... climbed up real high now fall down real far........ no need for me to stay.. the last thing left i just threw it away... i put my faith in god.. and my trust in you... now there's nothing more fucked up i could do... wish there was something real.. wish there was something true.. wish there was something real in this world full of you... i'm the one without a soul ..i'm the one with this big fucking hole... no new tale to tell twenty-six years on my way to hell.. gotta listen to your big time hard line bad luck fist fuc...k don't think you're having all the fun you know me.. i hate everyone... wish there was something real... wish there was something true wish there was something real.. in this world full of you i want to.. but i can't turn back but i want to...this is the first day of my last days.... i built it up now i take it apart.... climbed up real high now fall down real far........ no need for me to stay.. the last thing left i just threw it away... i put my faith in god.. and my trust in you... now there's nothing more fucked up i could do... wish there was something real.. wish there was something true.. wish there was something real in this world full of you... i'm the one without a soul ..i'm the one with this big fucking hole... no new tale to tell twenty-six years on my way to hell.. gotta listen to your big time hard line bad luck fist fuc...k don't think you're having all the fun you know me.. i hate everyone... wish there was something real... wish there was something true wish there was something real.. in this world full of you i want to.. but i can't turn back but i want to...:x:

im so sorry you guys. my god you must think im a total nutcase! if you actually read this, i apologize. and i urge you to stop.. all i ever to on here is bitch and moan. i dont know WHY i feel like i do.. fucking hormones my ass! i have a problem. and i cant even tell my parents. for acouple of reasons. [1] i will keep to myself. [2] fear that they will just tell me im over reacting. [3] freak out too much [4] send me to a doctor that could just make me worse. ive got my own resolutions. even if they arent the same as the anti-depressent pills that you see on tv all the time. phycologists dont help anyways. lola told me so. after her friend commited suicide, her parents thought she might get ideas, so started sending her to a shrink. crazy stuff. lifes so.. unfourtunate sometimes. the worlds so full of big and bad and scarry things. its funny when your younger you dont see it. then one day u wake up and boom. lifes not all sunshine and flowers. why does it happen? why cant life stay blissful? one day the sunshine turns to rain, and those pretty flowers wilt away and cease to be. nighty night.

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:stay with me, cause every star that i see is brighter than the last....*
Time:3:13 pm.
Mood: crazy.
Music:nelly [] ride with me.. (its on tv im too lazy to change it).
[[enter cool song here]]

ahh sorry folks im too tired to go lookin for a song. im sure ur hurt. lol most of you prolly just skip it anyways! tomorrows friday and that sucks cause i got bio~ and i pissed off the teacher today.. eh. all in a days work. but dads leaving to hungary i think. i dunno some stupid country.. alllll weekend. [yay] hmm i fell asleep at 6 lol. then my mobile rings.. hello lola. i knew it was her. she doesnt have a life of her own, so she had to ruin my sleeping. and im sick! damnit! just in time for my fucking mocks where i gotta go to school anyways! ostia.. and konsta is now in love with me! blah blah blah. still no package from andrew. he prolly was lying when he told me he sent it, and just sent it yesterday. lol. HAHAHAHAH nicole was laughing so hard today in math class.. she goes, holy shit i almost had an orgy. i said what the fuck are u talkin about. she goes an orgy. i go, dont you mean an orgasm? she goes, oh.. i thought orgy was just a cute way of saying orgasm. OMG i almost died from laughter. well im gonna go run i think.. then sleep. night night lovelys.

Wednesday, January 21st, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:-if you wish on a star, ill take the oppertunity to kick you in the head..
Time:2:37 pm.
::Deep down inside me.. I feel I need a change... So sick of everything... it all just seems the same... Always unhappy... I cannot find a smile.... Wasting my life away... I guess you can call it suicide... My life's a waste... Nothing left for me to hate... I hate myself... I have no friends... I'm treading water.. I'm struggling by the edge...I'm sitting here all alone... I just can't lose myself.... My friends ignore me... they think my life's a waste. They're now my enemies... all of which I hate... Always unhappy... I got a gun pointed to my head..... Will someone come help me now?... before I turn out dead..?..Deep down inside me.. I feel I need a change... So sick of everything... it all just seems the same... Always unhappy... I cannot find a smile.... Wasting my life away... I guess you can call it suicide... My life's a waste... Nothing left for me to hate... I hate myself... I have no friends... I'm treading water.. I'm struggling by the edge...I'm sitting here all alone... I just can't lose myself.... My friends ignore me... they think my life's a waste. They're now my enemies... all of which I hate... Always unhappy... I got a gun pointed to my head..... Will someone come help me now?... before I turn out dead..?::


guess what folllks? today sucked. back to school. and i got yelled at cause a 8 year old kissed me. lol what the fuck. fucking teachers. um.. i still dont have my package from andrew... if he had sent it when i asked him to i wouldnt be in this situation now! im going to bed... tomorrows konstas bday! yay! 17..

Tuesday, January 20th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:this should all be over by now, and burried next to the box of broken promises labeled 'i love you'
Time:2:41 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:none sorry!.
[[sorry too lazy to put in a good song tonight]]

sick for the past 2 days. which was damn fine with me cause i hate school. we got MOCK tests commin up for the next 2 weeks. so fuck. and even worse it snowed today. but alas.. lol dads leaving this weekend! to hungary i think. score! but no goin out, cause everyones studdin for the tests. W H A T T H E H E L L! but anyways, holy shit i met a girl online that i knew already. *laughs* if that makes any sence. *waves* 'ello lindsay. lol. im such a dork.. i must leave now.. and go to sleep. school tomorrow kiddies. night night

--Kim--

Sunday, January 18th, 2004

(1 [[seems to care]] | [feel my pain])

Subject:She swears the moon dont hang quite as high as it used too..
Time:2:42 pm.
Mood: angry.
Music:[] 3 days grace [] drown [].
::Just three miles from the rest stop.. And she slams on the breaks.. She said I tried to be but I'm not.. And could you please collect your things?.. I don't wanna be cold.. I don't wanna be cruel.. But I gotta find more Than what's happening with you.. If you'd - open up the door... She said - while you were sleeping I was listening to the radio.. And wondering what you're dreaming when.. It came to mind that I didn't care.. So I thought - hell if it's over.. I had better end it quick.. Or I could lose my nerve.. Are you listening?... can you hear me?.. Have you forgotten?... Just three miles from the rest stop.. And my mouth's too dry to rage... The light was shining from the radio.. I could barely see her face.. But she knew all the words that I never had.. said She knew the crumpled-up promise of this Broken down man.. and as I opened up the door.. She said - while you were sleeping I was listening to the radio.. And wondering what you're dreaming.. when.. It came to mind that I didn't care.. So I thought - hell if it's over.. I had better end it quick.. Or I could lose my nerve.. Are you listening?can you hear me? Have you forgotten?.. She said - while you were sleeping.. I was listening to the radio.. And wondering what you're dreaming.. when.. It came to mind that I didn't care.. So I thought... hell if it's over.. I had better end it quick.. Or I could lose my nerve.. Are you listening? can you hear me?... While you were sleeping.. I was listening to the radio.. And wondering what you're dreaming.. when.. It came to mind that I didn't care....! So I thought..hell if it's over.. I had better end it quick.. Or I could lose all my nerve.. Are you listening? Can you hear me..?::

hm i cant remember if i wrote in my journal what happened last night or what. cause i know i emailed it to andrew, cause hes in SC playing golf! loser.. and STILL no package.. its been a week almost! GOD! i want my teddy! [haha dont u think that sounds kinda perverted?] but today i was at tesco.. which is like a walmartish place. and there was this HUGE stuffed animal penguin! ah its soo cute.. im like daddy can i please get this? hes like how much? im like, only 800skk.. hes like.. ok.. lol wonderful.. thats like 30 bucks! on a penguin! and we also went to ikea.. ahh i spent sooo much of their money lol. brilliant. *waves* night lovelys..

([feel my pain])

Subject:a survey! yay! oy! that rhymes!
Time:9:15 am.
Mood: geeky.
Music:3 days grace [] i dunno the name.. but its good none the les.
Childhood weirdness

Did you spend your childhood time with mostly real or imaginary friends?:. mostly real.
Did people consider you an odd child?: I considered myself an odd child. come on lol.
Do you have memories that go back to when you were only a few months old?: hah. i cant remember when i was 3...
Do you remember any thoughts you had when you where very young?: of course..
Were they intricate or simple thoughts?: both.
If you answered "intricate", give an example of one of those thoughts: i will take over the world...
Were you dreams very vivid as a child?: no! i remember my dreams.. they were weird.
What is the strangest memory you have from early childhood?: hmm.. *thinks* i dunno
Were you a child prodigy or did you display any gifts at a young age?: hah.. gifts.. no..
What was the most "grown-up" thing you ever said as a child?: i still dont say anything grown up..
What were your favoite TV shows in early childhood?: i forget the name.. but it had these little nombes in it. it was cool..
Were you afraid of monsters?: yea, but my deffenition of a monster was different from other peoples.. hah.
Did you believe that fictional characters were real?: what do you mean, peter pan was in my room last night looking for his shadow..
Were you more quiet and artistic or loud and physical?: um. i grew up with 3 brothers. loud and physical. always playing sprts with them, or getting in fights with them.

Issues and US Stuff

Do you eat meat?: yes. every now and then.
If you do, what is your justification for it?: i have to have a justification for what i eat? um.. its tastey.
If you could legalize 3 things in the US, what would they be?: gay marriges.. and drinking age 18. [if europe can do it them we can too]
Do you belive in the death penalty?: sure why not.
Did Mumia do it?: who?
If you had a choice, which country would you have chosen to be born into?: hmm.. spain. i wanna learn spanish lol
What are your opinions of Michael Moore?: uhh.. i dont have one cause ive never heard of the guy..
Describe your feelings about marijuana legalization: everyone does it anyways, might as well make it legal..
What about gay marriage?: love is love.
Red, White and Blue is a ghastly color combination, right?: well, yes, but not because its the american flag colors.
What television news coverage do you detest the most?: BBC.. fuckin uk..
What will you do if Bush is re-elected? do the same damn thing i did when arnold because the governer of cali. laugh my ass off and think, "were sooo stupid"
Which state do you think will drop off into the ocean first?: california. and good ridience..
Who do you consider "American Heros"?: spider man

Completely Obtuse And Silly Questions

Have you ever taken something apart just to see how it worked? i dont have time to deal with such shit.
Do you ever yell at the television while you are alone? i do it when im alone, and with other people. [[roger clements ur a fucking bitch. lol]]
Name a few things (if any) that you bought on Ebay recently: never..
Are the Muppetes sinister? hah. its childern porn. miss piggys always trying to get laid by kermit..
Do you watch the Science Channel (Discovery) on a regular basis?: haha no..
Ever gotten into an "in person" argument with a total stranger? yea.. in slovakia that happens alot.
Sugar or Honey?: neither. too fatening. [gags]
What's on your desk right now?: nothing worth typing down..
How many e-mails do you recieve a day?: er.. 3-4
Do you think that time travel is a possibility?: i hope so. a 9 hour flight from america to europe is a bitch.
Have you ever had a past life regression?: hm.. nuh uh
Are you slightly addicted to online tests and surveys?: hardly.
San Francisco or New York City?: new york. i love the accents.. haha. but i hate them fuckin yankees
Are you really a famous person undercover on Live Journal?: sure why not..
Are you really an alien spectator studying the human condition via LJ?: muahha i'll never tell....
What are your favorite color combinations?: black and pinks nice... not the girly pink. id puke..
Close your eyes and type the first random image that pops into your head: last night goin out..
Do you enjoy night or day better?: night. i hate the day and the sun..
Favorite animal: penguins!
Have you ever been to a protest?:no
Aggravated a cop on purpose?: .nah, but thats a good idea..
Worst decision you ever made?: say the words, "sure ill go out with you" lol not directed to andrew..
Ever gone train hopping/ridden the rails?: what?
Best invention of this century? Worst?: i dunno when anything was invented..
If you could choose a time period in which to live, which would it be?: hmm when the women wore the big poofy dresses. and men were actually real gentleman.. when was that the 50s? im a romantic living in the wrong century..
Ever put your hand through a window?: through? no.
List a few words you hate the sound of: garage.. its weird..

Emotions And Such

Have you attempted suicide more than once?: more than once? never done it once..
Cutting?: ive poked myself with a saftey pin. lol that hurt.
Do you get violent when you are angry?: normally im not a very violent person. till im pissed. i throw shit.
Which emotion are you most consumed by?: emotion? sadness.. unless im with.. the people that care about me..
Are you highly emotive?: emotive? is that emotional? or like.. moving. emotional? very. motive? hardly.
Do you discuss problems or keep them to yourself?: i try to keep them to myself. but normally people see right through me.
Do you fall in love easily?: only once..
What age/year was the most difficult for you?: right nows pretty fuckin rough.
How do you channel your anger/sadness?: ive got my ways. i also talk to andrew.
Ever been addicted to alcohol or drugs?: define addicted? im a drunky. lol. drugs? psh i dont need 'em
Ever been homeless?: no.
List a few simple things that make you happy:: america, public school, friends, some family. andrew .. knowing the fact im loved.. stars..
When were you most recently your happiest?: december 21-22nd 2003
Do you consider yourself empathetic?: when i wanna be..

Friends

Describe your best friend as if you were describing a character from a film: what the fuck..?
Do you have friends that are drastically different from each other?: haha ok well lets think about this, i gotta few preps, skaters, punks, emos, goths, jocks, um.. forigners.. lol. yea im thinkin there pretty fuckin drasticly different.
List a few key traits that all of your friends have in common: were funny. most of us know how to party.
Do you keep in touch with friends from highschool?: i try to.
Have you lost touch with many of your friends?: too many.. which is such a sad thought. i miss them all/
Are they mostly local or long distance?: LONG LONG LONG distnace. wait, does 5000 miles count as long distance.
When you go out with friends, what kinds of things do you do?: hahah fun stuff..
Have you ever been betrayed by a close friend?: yes. the bitch.
If yes, are you still friends with that person?: haha did you not here me say bitch
Are your friends mostly your age, younger or older?: my age and older.
Do you have a hard time making friends because most people bore you?: alot of people bore me easily. if were friends. congrats! ur ok!
Do you like to hang out with friends one-on-one or in groups?: some times both.
Which of you online friends do you have the most in common with?: online friends? um..

Family

Are you close to your family?: my brothers, not really. there too old for me to relate too. but me and danny are ok cause hes only 22.. my moms like my best friend. my father..... errr ill be good.
What traits are you glad you inherited from them?: my moms good looks. andrew thinks shes a milf! yesssuh!
Which traits are you pissed off you inherited from them?: my fathers temper.
What sitcom does your family most remind you of?: we arent one. theres no sit-com with a kid like me with a good wife and a redneck father..
Does your family live locally or far away?: far away
Have you ever stopped speaking to someone in your family?: of course, but they do it as well..
Have either of your parents died?: heh. no
Is your family very much like you or are you opposites?: me and my mom are alike i suppose.
How many siblings do you have?: 3
Has your family ever thrown food at each other?: no..
Are the holidays a nightmare or a time of joy?: depends
Do you look like your parents?: my mom.
List one interesting fact about your family: we live in slovakia... *laughs*

Lovers

Gay, Straight, Bi-sexual or no idea?: i was drunk ok!!!!! straight.
Married/partnered?: partnered.. and soo happy
Ever gone out with someone you were embarassed to be seen with?: .nah.
Ever broken someones heart?:. yea..
How many serious relationships have you had?: 1
Do you believe in monogamy?: yes..
Have you ever lusted obsessively over someone you knew you couldn't have?: nah. i get what i want. lol
Do you believe in the theory of soulmates?: of course.
Ever cheated?: yea
Been cheated on?: probably..
Thrown someones stuff out on the lawn/stairs/etc.?: no.
Had your stuff thrown out on the lawn/stairs/etc.?: i hope not..
Most important emotional qualities of a lover?: ahhh *thinks* just as long as he cares, and doesnt walk away from me when i need him the most.
Most important physical qualities?: eyes. i suppose.

Food & Drink

Non-alcoholic beverage of choice:: whats non-alcoholic? hehe.. umm rasberry ice tea, snapple kind!
Alcoholic beverage of choice:: whew, too many, tequilla [gold] whiskey sours, long island ice teas.
Foods you crave on a regulr basis:: french fries!
Salsa and Chips or Pita and Hummus?: eh neither.
Meat or Tofu?: meat.
Soup or Salad?: salad. i hate eating stuff with a spoon..
Soda or Juice?: soda.
Can I get you anything else?: you baby! *wink*
What's your problem?: knowing you dont care.. lol.
Favorite candy:: ooo willy wonka ropes! ah its like.. i dunno this red chewy stuff with nerds on it. OMG i miss then soo much..
Favorite food to make:: um. french fries.
Food brand that you hate?: slovak shit.
Do you try to buy all organic?: um no.
Favorite quick food?: none.

Would You Rather...

Eat a steak or a whole tube of toothpaste?: steak. my god steak!
Be covered in papercuts or cigarette burns?: paper cuts. ow.
Be percieved as intelligent or street-smart (but not both)?: street smart.
Eat a bottle cap or a spider the size of a bottle cap?: bottle cap. ewwww
Have to always eat standing up or always enter your car from the sunroof.: car from the sunroof. thats like.. cool.
Be ruled exclusively by your heart or your mind?: heart,
Have the power to read minds or make anyone fall in love with you?: i dont like it when people fall in love with me. i already got my guy. reading minds would be cool.
Chew shards of broken glass or sit on a lighted barbeque grill?: broken glass.
Not be able to tell the time or not know left from right?: i still dont know left from right. lol.
Be able to fly or be able to render yourself invisible?: fly. [just like peter pan!]
Eat 15 feet of aluminum foil or swallow 3 steel guitar strings?: ew. hm. im gonna skip.
Have questionable integrity or no sense of humor?: questionable interity..
Always spit when you talk or always be spit on while spoken to?: skippp. its both so unsanitary. haha
Granted the answers to any 3 questions or ability to resurrect one person?: neither. both pointless.

Final Questions

Ever had a great song ruined for you after it was used in a commercial?: uh no..
Ever yelled at an SUV?: haha yea, [fuck off u jerk off]
A Hummer?: nah there spiffy
Ever faked being sick to get out of going somewhere?: of course.
Horror film that freaked you out the most?: the ring.
Horror film that is so scary, you could not be paid to watch it again.: hmmmm none.
If you could turn back time and change one thing, what would it be?: *shrugs* i try not to dwell on the past..
Bambi or Nemo?: nemo. wait.. bambi doesnt have a mother.. ill take bambi.
List 3 things that are worrying you right now: myself, my thoughts, wonderind how ill get through another year..
Are you sick of this survey yet?: nah im ok.
It's too fucking long, right?: s'ok. its keeping me from doing my fuckin world geo homework.

How long have you been on LJ?: not even a month.
Do you find it to be a fulfilling experience?: sure
Describe the last dream you had: well, me and andrew were moving into our house.. the boxes were there and everything.. and andrew comes inside from woking on a white picket fence. and im sitting on the kitchen counter. and he comes up to me and kisses me, then puts his arms on my back and says, we dont stand a chance, but i love you anyway. creepy creepy suff. but that was like, 1 week ago. i dont seep much.
Ever brought a lawsuit against a company?: nuh uh
Ever sang for a klondike bar? um no.
What was the worst concert you ever went to?: never been to one
The best?: erm..
Do you think you'll ever have children if you don't already?: yup, im having kids.
Do you think there is life on other planets?: could be.
Have you ever saved a dying animal?: when i was little i did.
Most disgusting thing you have ever "found" in your food:: um. my fork?! nothing..
Have you ever broken a leg or arm?: haha nuh uh
Would you rather stay in the house or do things outside: i hate nature. so id rather stay inside. unless its night and the stars are out.
Do people make their own relaity? people try to form something into whatever they want because it suits them..
David Letterman or Jay Leno?: which ones the fatter one? i like that one better.
Last words?: fuck.. now i gotta do my geo. maybe ill make french fries.

Saturday, January 17th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:im bleeding out my pain why you scream at me.. just why??
Time:2:27 pm.
Mood: content.
Music:matchbox 20 [] rest stop .. hey its good!.
:::Everything I'm saying is coming out all wrong... Please bear with me.. I've got so much to say.. Let me explain myself to you.. Forgive me, forgive me not.. I'm sorry for what it's worth.. I know I'm wrong.. Can't you see I'm still me..? Are you listening..? Nothing I can say will make this right.. Just give it time.. Why can't I spit it out..? I need relief..Your sympathy.. Forgive me, forgive me not.. I'm sorry for what it's worth... I know I'm wrong... Can't you see.. I'm still me..? Are you listening..? I'm sorry for what it's worth... I know I'm wrong.. Can't you see I'm still me..? Are you listening..? Everything I'm saying is coming out all wrong... Please bear with me.. I've got so much to say.. Let me explain myself to you.. Forgive me, forgive me not.. I'm sorry for what it's worth.. I know I'm wrong.. Can't you see I'm still me..? Are you listening..? Nothing I can say will make this right.. Just give it time.. Why can't I spit it out..? I need relief..Your sympathy.. Forgive me, forgive me not.. I'm sorry for what it's worth... I know I'm wrong... Can't you see.. I'm still me..? Are you listening..? I'm sorry for what it's worth... I know I'm wrong.. Can't you see I'm still me..? Are you listening..?:::


hm. another uneventful day yesterday. lets see.. *ponders* ah yes, basketball... that was eventful i suppose. hald the guys wondered why lola and i were even there. after all it was boys basketball.. little did they know.. then we started to play.. haha stupid guys. taylor wouldnt pass me the ball... i finally yelled to him, "what the fuck are you doin church boy?" [hes very religious, hence the name] and he passed me the ball. swish right in, cause no one ever guards the girls.. untill they know we can "ball" haha that was stupid. then there was this one guy that goes to another private school and he was askin aj and lola about me after i laughed haha. wonderful. konsta and aj wanna date me! *laughs* i find it funny. especially now that me and lola are goin out with the guys tonight. so now its andrej, aj, konsta, mike, and zoro, and this adam kid that i dont even know. but he was lookin at me the bastard. im like for fucks sake im playin bball... *coughs* sorry for boring you all. but yes im goin out at 4 and meeting lola at the mall. goin shoppin and hangin out, then goin to meet the guys at the palace at 6-7sih and then goin down to chicago. yay. i havent hung out there for awhile. wonderful.. *giddy* but my curfews 11.. and mom and dad say i can only go out like that every other weekend. what the fuck mate.. o well. ill stay over at a friends then go out. and we got these fuckin MOCK tests to study for.. its like.. SOL's but alot fuckin harder. and not multipul choise. its fuckin essays. so im sure u all know how ill do on THAT! fucking british.. making tests hard and what not. ouch... ostia i pierced my ear 3 nights ago yea? ouch it still hurts. we have no rubbing alcohol.. with my luck, my ear will get extreemly infected and end up falling off. [because of the lack of slovak medical treatment. id have to go to austria. but i hate sitting at the boreder] haha. andrew told me theres this movie called eurotrips about these 2 guys goin around europe. and BRATISLAVAS in there. fuckin hell yea! representin fur-reul. dawg. yea im so white.. but wtf bratislava?? wtf theres nothing good here.. 'cept the fact that the shots here arre only 50skk at most. [whoo hoo].. now im just rambeling nonsence.. i have to go get ready anyways... i dont wanna look in the mirror. god help me lol. later lovelys..

Thursday, January 15th, 2004

(3 [[seems to care]] | [feel my pain])

Subject:..here yah go joe, go buy your wife some flowers *smack smack*
Time:2:54 pm.
Mood: cold.
Music:D/C.
::I'm so tired of being here... Suppressed by all my childish fears.. And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave.. 'Cause your presence still lingers here.. And it won't leave me alone.. These wounds won't seem to heal.. This pain is just too real.. There's just too much that time cannot erase.. When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears.. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.. I held your hand through all of these years.. But you still have All of me.. You used to captivate me.. By your resonating light.. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.. Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams.. Your voice it chased away.. All the sanity in me... These wounds won't seem to heal.. This pain is just too real... There's just too much that time cannot erase... I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.. But though you're still with me.. I've been alone all along..::

well. nothing good happened today. um.. yea nothing to write about. andrew LEFT ME.. to go to the dentist. fucker. but aw he sent me my package so im soooo happy... sorta. and i finally got my damn icon to work on here.. its about damn time. ahhhh im so tired, still no sleep. and i fainted again today in school. im scarred... im gonna be one of those people that are gonna have to go to the hospital and get food injected through their veins. god help me. oh, and i told shana.. about me last night. so relieved! i finally told someone. thank god she understood. thats a true friend. im lucky. tomorrows friday, 1 1/2 hours of bio. fuck me damnit.. then french. [oui oui] and then basketball. me and lola kick so much ass togehter. goodnight loves. [as if anyone actually reads this.]

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004

(1 [[seems to care]] | [feel my pain])

Subject:so desperatly obvious.. so obsiously desperate
Time:2:08 pm.
Mood: distressed.
Music:none, just the sound of slovak cops...
::Woke up yesterday with you on my mind.. so afraid of running out of time.. so come around again.. and i'll show you what i mean.. And you can tell me exactly what you need.. and we can talk all night ...we can talk all night... and i will sing you lullabies.. i will sing you lullabies... not in every arrow is pointed straight at your heart.. sorry for the time.. i said too much.. I was so afraid that you would fall out of touch.. and we can talk all night.. we could talk all night..and i will sing you lullabies.. i will sing you lullabies... not every arrow is pointed straight at your heart... so come around again.. so come around again.. and we can talk all nigh..t so come around again, so come around again..and we can talk all night.. and we can talk all night.. will sing you lullabies..Woke up yesterday with you on my mind.. so afraid of running out of time.. so come around again.. and i'll show you what i mean.. And you can tell me exactly what you need.. and we can talk all night ...we can talk all night... and i will sing you lullabies.. i will sing you lullabies... not in every arrow is pointed straight at your heart.. sorry for the time.. i said too much.. I was so afraid that you would fall out of touch.. and we can talk all night.. we could talk all night..and i will sing you lullabies.. i will sing you lullabies... not every arrow is pointed straight at your heart... so come around again.. so come around again.. and we can talk all nigh..t so come around again, so come around again..and we can talk all night.. and we can talk all night.. will sing you lullabies..


[dear dad] i cant take the way you put all the blame on me. everytime you and me have a fight, "s kims fault, shes got her head up her ass" the exact words you told to mom when all i did was want to go upstairs and be alone, no u started talking.. you started it.. you started it.. its always you but somehow i get the blame. im sick of it and im sick of you. HOW DARE YOU PUT OTHERS INFRONT OF YOUR FAMILY! how dare you make yourself seem like the wonderful man infront of others.. and make sure they love you, absolutly adore you.. but dont give a shit about the way your kids see you.. im your kid, dad. your gonna have to deal with me till i die. why put others infront of me? why not talk to me like a normal person? IM SO JELIOUS OF THE RELATIONSHIPS YOU HAVE WITH MY FRIENDS! you put lacey above me, your exact words, "why cant you be more like her, shes an angel." you have no idea of half the shit shes done. and yet, you still treat her better than your own child... dont you wish i were back to normal? dont you think i notice this isnt the way its supposed to be??...]]]]]]


i want my teddy bear from andrew.. maybe then i can sleep. becase of not eating, and not sleeping at all. i fainted.. what the fuck.. i wake up to the sound of mom going, is she going to be ok? thats a bad feeling. im tired, over exhausted.. i n e e d h e l p....

Tuesday, January 13th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:A dream is a wish your heart makes. too bad i cant sleep
Time:2:28 pm.
Mood: sleepy.
Music:3 days grace [] i hate everything about you.
:::It's not that i don't trust you.. i just know what you've been up to.. and this dial tone is agreeing with everything i've had in mind... and you've got your high as a kite tricks in the bag... so as her eyes move down past your shoulders and the shades start moving in the same direction don't worry, i won't say a thing... you can't blame a girl for sticking to what she knows... i hope she takes her time.. and i hope she keeps your eyes closed tight.. and i hope that when she leaves, you still smell her on your sheets because i can, i can. i hope she takes her time and i hope she keeps your eyes closed tight.. and i hope that when she leaves, you still smell her on your sheets because i can, i can... if i could get to sleep then, i guess you could stop pretending... because if i didnt think you loved her..well then i would lay alone.. and you've got your high as a kite tricks in the bag... i hope she takes her time.. and i hope she keeps your eyes closed tight.. and i hope that when she leaves, you still smell her on your sheets because i can, i can. i hope she takes her time.. and i hope she keeps your eyes closed tight and i hope that when she leaves, you still smell her on your sheets because i can, i can. you're down for selling me out while i play dumb, but it's cool because i let you, you thought i'd never catch you.. you said "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, ..i bet... i bet... you're down for selling me out while i play dumb, but it's cool because i let you, you thought i'd never catch you, you said "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, i bet. i bet. you're down for selling me out while i play dumb, but it's cool because i let you, you thought i'd never catch you, you said "we're only friends." yeah, real good friends, i bet. i bet. forget mylegs around your hips. forget your hands pressed on my back. forget all the letters that i kept. this is another i won't send. forget your lips, your eyes, our life. forget our one last kiss goodbye. forget me staking out your house. forget ive got you figured out. forget my legs around your hips .forget your hands pressed on my back .forget all the letters that i kept...this is another i won't send..:::


guess what?! today.. SUCKED again. i hate this place. and im discusted with myself..GOD i just wanna get away! im sick of people taking everything so god damned serious all the fucking time.. your a teenager! fucking live damnit! stop worrying about every fucking thing! jesus get lives! this girl in my class wrote a 1000 word essay, when it had to be 300. im like this is how you spent ur fucking weekend! this shit isnt even graded in my school! damn! ahhhh and i hate my father. im SERIOUSLY thinking about having the slovak mafia kill his ass. i could do it to. no charge. [they like me] i got connections. seriously. i could kill him. i dont know what ill do when he does die. everyone will be crying, and ill be saying, "its about damn time"... svenja turned in lola and danellia for "passing weed through the school" WTF. i cant wait to see her get her ass kicked tomorrow! lola will fuckin grill her ass. haha. wonderful. one good thing to look forward to... i miss andrew.. jesus fuckin christ! what bullshit. i swear i wont make it a year without affection. ill kill myself.. [grins]

Monday, January 12th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:I'm getting sick of this scenery.
Time:2:29 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:Incubus---> blood on the ground.
::swear that I can go on forever.. again.. Please let me know that my one bad day will end.. I will go down as your lover, your friend.. Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin.. Are you afraid of being alone? Cause I am, I'm lost without you... Are you afraid of leaving tonight? Cause I am, I'm lost without you.. I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you.. I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you.. Where are you now? I can hear footsteps.. I'm dreaming..And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this.. Are you afraid of being alone? Cause I am, I'm lost without you.. Are you afraid of leaving tonight? Cause I am, I'm lost without you.. Are you afraid of being alone? Cause I am, I'm lost without.. you Are you afraid of leaving tonight? Cause I am, I'm lost without you.. Are you afraid of being alone? Cause I am, I'm lost without you.. Are you afraid of leaving tonight? Cause I am, I'm lost without you.. I'm lost without you.. I'm lost without you..::


[[[[A letter to [you know who you are] i wish i could be a positive person, i really do. i wish i could see me the way others do. cause when i dont they end up mad at me. its not my fault i think the way i do. and so what if i drink a little now and then. it makes me feel better even if its temporary.. fuck you for thinking you can control me. how dare you put me in a cage. i cant wait for you to tell me what to start to wear. or telling me i cant go out without you knowing. i cant wait to be done with you. i cant wait for you to not be as attatched. i cant wait to breathe again. lets hope the worst is over for now.]]]]

once again today sucked. im stuck in a hole i cant get out of. the people around me arent making it any better either. i wish my true friends were here. [andrew, shana, lacey, johnny, sylvia, mandy, ryan, josh] but hell, heavens the only place dreams come true. and im in hell. goodnight.

Sunday, January 11th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:its times like these when silence means everything..
Time:9:17 am.
Mood: exhausted.
Music:[] i miss you [] incubus [].
::This is the first thing I remember...Now it's the last thing left on my mind... Afraid of the dark... do you hear me whisper? An empty heart.. replaced with paranoia... Where do we go?..life's temporary...After we're gone... like new years resolutions..Why is this hard? do you recognize me? I know I'm wrong.. but I can't help believing..I'm so lost..I'm barely here..I wish I could explain myself..But words escape me..It's too late.. To save me..You're too late.You're too late.You're cold with disappointment.While I'm drowning in the next room..The last contagious victim of this plague between us.. I'm sick with apprehension.. I'm crippled from exhaustion.. And I dread the moment when you finally come to kill me.. This is the first thing I remember.. Now it's the last thing left on my mind.. Afraid of the dark.. do you hear me whisper? An empty heart replaced with paranoia.. Where do we go? life's temporary..After we're gone like new years resolutions.. Why is this hard? do you recognize me? I know I'm wrong but I can't help believing...::

so far today has been stupid and pointless. i went to bed at 4 am this morning.. woke up at 7. laid in bed till nicole woke up, which was 10.. she had to leave at 12.. i did homework, and just finished at 4 fucking o'clock... i still have to finish goegraphy, and i should do my english and french, but yah know what, fuck it. ill deal with it tomorrow night. last night out was fun. went to the movies with andrej and nicole, then we went out drinking and then to dinner. i only had half a salad, nicole had hers and mine. then we got home round 9, [early night out, yes i know] and we were both tipsey and laughing at everything for no reason. it was great. lol it was the good kind of drunk. then we got home and andrej gets online and starts talking to be about my depressional thoughts and my low self esteem which totally killed my buzz. and nicoles like what the hell is he talkin about, cause she has no idea about.. well.. my thoughts. *shrugs* i dunno what to call it. only 2 people know what im really like. its a sucky feeling to know im fake around everyone. but if everyone knew the real me they would either, 1]- not wanna hang out with me or 2] worry about me. and i dont want that. so i stay as i am. ive lost 4 pounds. good ol' water. *grins* it does wonders.

Friday, January 9th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:your the hand that spins my revolver around when you push me away...
Time:3:54 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:rascal flats, my worst fear.
hm, what a stupid pointless day. got in about 20 fights today with teachers and my father. even one with my mom*. but i suppose that happens. lately ive been feeling like shit. i cant sleep anymore. id kill for 8 hours of sleep again. last night i didnt even get an hour. i woke up at 12:30 wide awake. so i worked out.. on the running thingy and the bike. im dertermined to loose weight. im fed up with feeling like shit physically. because im too busy being mentally fucked. i got my hair cut. it looks snazzy. i want red highlights now. dad said no. i said just wait till im on my own. and um. i feel like shit all time. i go through school with a fake smile on my face, but inside im hurting. its a bad feeling.. goodnight.

Thursday, January 8th, 2004

([feel my pain])

Subject:caught in the rain..
Time:12:13 pm.
Mood: distressed.
Music:revis-seven.
::It’s all over.. It’s all over now.. The seal is broken.. Creatures spoken now, I hope you come up.. To heaven.. right now It’s all over...It’s all over now... Can I be changed? Or am I the same? It’s all over...It’s all over now No room for hiding..We’re children fighting now... And I hope you come up.. To heaven.. right now..It’s all over It’s all over now.. Can I be the same.. The rain is falling..The rain is falling now.. Today we’re leaving.. Our souls are calling now...The stars on his right...Holding seven right now..The rain is falling.. The rain is falling now..Can I be change?Or am I the same?The same..Can I be changed?::

Ah, good 'ol home. well this isnt home, this is only temporary.. my homes is america. anyways... today was uh, very uneventful. tomorrows friday tho! and im going to get my hair cut finally. its starting to look like rats nest if u ask me, but lola doesnt want me to get it done. erm. fuck her. lol. then saturday goin out with everyone and nicoles commin home with me.. (yay) Shes my best friend. [even if she is from tinytown. lol damn new yorkers]
and um.. i tried to get my british teacher to say for shizzle my nizzle today .. it would be funny as fuck with his accent. but he wouldnt.. some day though. lola called me fat. im on a diet. *coughs* im still sick too. and i miss andrew..

Blurty for *.....Kimberly.

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