a few days later   
10:22pm 03/10/2005
  I"m still fighting bouts of hysteria... tears... the shakes.
Definitely the same emotional/physical responses as to a rape. Not Good.
I only wish I knew what to do... I need to call the rape crisis center, I guess... if they'll help since he never actually touched ME... argh.
I wish Scott was nearby, Jon was out, or that this whole damn thing never happened.
 
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10:16pm 30/09/2005
  oops  
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trouble   
10:16pm 30/09/2005
 
mood: scared
music: Welcome to the Jungle, GnR
This is the... most degrading filth I have faced in a long time.

My cousin (the one I complained about, yes) has been breaking into my room and reading my mail. THIS was bad enough. Today, he went further. He took a pair of my panties, and jerked off with them, apparently while READING my most recent letter to Jon.

I feel... as though I've been raped, violated, all over again. I feel... dirty. Fouled. Bad enough, I was invaded like this, but so has Jon.

Isn't it bad enough I was molested? Isn't it enough I was brutally and cruelly mistreated as a child, by a parent, one of the people I was supposed to trust? Raped and almost killed as an adult, by a lover? And now, the first bit of.... INNOCENCE, I've ever known... Jon's letters to me which are simply so.... innocently loving, open with everything he has in his heart at the time... He offeres it to me with open hands, like a child with a armful of flowers...

and now it feels as if that innocent light, that beauty and gentleness, that sweetness.... has been... smirched. Befouled. Darkened, tarnished.

It will never be the same again... and I mourn its loss.
 
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Trust me   
11:19pm 11/09/2005
 
mood: frustrated
music: Trapped, Headstrong
to get into THIS kind of predicament!
Two men. I'm in love with both.
One, in jail.
the other, dumped me.
Now the one wants me back, and the other wants me to wait for him.
ARGH!
I'm a fool.
 
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Life truly is insane   
01:35am 15/08/2005
 
mood: exhausted
music: Lonely no More
I'm meeting people again. I rarely find people who are interested in me when I'm not unavailable. Now, suddenly, there are people who want to know me. Now, i wonder if they will continue to want to know me once they GET to know me? There lies the question.
There's one, in particular, I'm scared to death will bolt and run. I am pretty sure he understands my fear, though, and THAT isn't going to scare him off. I just SO do not want to give my heart again, only to lose it. I"m tired of being hurt and SO tired of starting over again and again only to find it was a pipe dream I chased. I'm tired of running after rainbows.
 
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life is mad   
07:03pm 09/08/2005
  *sigh* Lose Scott... who was my world... only to have someone innnnteresting appear. Don't know if he's a fit... not sure if I want him to be.... but at least, he's going to become a good friend who understands me. Of course he's as bad an insomniac as i am, so he can't help but understand some.  
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it still hurts   
03:30pm 07/08/2005
  I keep remembering the feel of his arms, the sound of his voice, the touch of his skin on mine... the softness of his hair under my fingers, his eyes in the morning... and I miss him.  
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alone again   
09:58pm 06/08/2005
  He left yesterday afternoon. I somehow managed to let him walk away and didn't beg him to come back. It hurt like fuk-all to do but I did it.
I slept, last night. Alone for the firsr time in years but I slept. And today I missed him less than i thought i would. I did sleep wrapped around his pillow, though. I also slept fully clothed, wearing his jeans and a t-shirt he left behind. *chuckle*
Though in all honesty... waking alone hurt less than i thought it might. So did going through the day without him. I'm wondering, now, just how in love with HIM i was... though I don't doubt that i DO love him... I do wonder... if it was as much IN love, or just... needing to love someone? I dunno. I do know I'd welcome him back, with open arms, though.
 
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my life fukking SUX   
01:19am 04/08/2005
 
mood: lonely
music: Evenescence, My Immortal; Bring Me To Life
Scott is leaving.
We've neither of us been happy the last few weeks... and he decided that we just don't match... I can't argue much... though he fits ME better than anyone has in a long time. Since Tracy, in fact.
But, he wants to go... and THAT means that I CAN'T try to talk him out of it. I have to let him go...
It's killing me, though... at least the decision of what to do is out of my hands, though... I don't have to face leaving HIM because of his drinking.
In some ways, its a relief... and I feel horrible saying that, because it also hurts more than I know how to express!!!
 
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what to do   
09:27pm 30/07/2005
  I'm not even sure anymore. He's drinking, and passed out drunk as I type... he was drunk when I picked him up... sobered up on the way home (I kept him out 3 hours so he would), and somehow got blitzed again once we were home...
I just can't keep this up... I need to get through to him that i will leave him... no matter how much it hurts me to do so... i'll pack his stuff and have my Mom take him to the bus stop if I have to... but... I just don't think i can even do THAT... it hurts
I CAN'T.. I just can't... The thought... of him not being there... of not falling asleep beside him... of not waking up with his arms around me in the morning... of not finding him coming to me to be held in the night... he comes to me for comfort when the dreams come... no...
I can't imagine letting him walk away... or walking away myself...
but I'm lost, and I can't see which way to go
 
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06:33pm 29/07/2005
 
mood: depressed
I think my heart is breaking... in fact I know it is. The man I love more than anything, is an alchoholic.
He drinks. A lot. He's not abusive or mean... but he drinks. And his drinking is about to get us thrown out of where we're living. But... even when i'm being honest with myself and I KNOW I should leave him... I CAN'T. I can't just walk away... it hurts too much. I can't send him away either... I'm not that strong. I know i can't fix him, nobody can... but... I won't just leave him. I can't. but it's breaking my heart, too.
I don't know what to do anymore, where to turn... who to ask for help... or even if anyone would help me.
 
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urgh   
06:25pm 17/07/2005
  Gods. A cousin (distant) is moving into my mom's trailer. Sadly, since the trailer is NOT ready, he's staying in the HOUSE. *growl* I'm going to be a prisoner in our room until the trailer is ready as he has NO respect, and is as annoying as a KID... and he's some 13 years older than me. :( *sigh* WHY ME???
We need to get out of this place... I knew coming back was a Bad Idea, but well... no real choice in the matter. However, if I have any choice I'm NOT staying!!! I'm not sure how I'm gonna convince Scott to move on, but I'm gunna try. Knox or SOMEWHERE.
 
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interesting news   
01:13pm 07/07/2005
 
mood: high
music: in my head: Pagan Girl by emerald rose
Hmm. I may be working at ryan's in the same job I loved so much: working in the bakery handling dough and stuff. They make so MUCH, including pizza dough, and I wouldn't be responsible for decorating cakes and stuff, only baking htem... and that's what I love so much... would be baking bisquits, rolls, cornbread, making pizza dough, baking cakes and pies... and learning many important things that woul make it possible for me to work in a different kind of store, any bakery.... and since I've learned I love that sort of work, well, it's a hopeful thing!

Right now I"m high as a kite right now... went to hospital last night with a abcessed bug bite... they did minor surgery to drain it, and gave me Good Drugs... so I"m just out of it and really high. Gads.
 
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well   
02:02pm 05/07/2005
 
mood: drained
music: in my head: headstrong
for those of you still paying atttention, I"ll be back in the 'boro for a few weeks... then on to Knoxville. Not interested in staying in that suckass place for any great length of time... but need to move on. Scott and I are neither of us really happy where we're at... though I'll admit I"m not too happy with what he wants either... he's trying to get work overseas, because of how much he can make tax free in a short period of time... but that would mean a year or more for me to wait for him... and that scares me more than a little let me tell you!
But I trust him and I love him so... guess I'll just have to face that bridge when it's in front of me, hey? Don't even know if he'll get those jobs he's after... tohugh he's well qualified for them! *chuckle*
He's a whole different kettle of fish from anyone I'bve ever dated... bets I can tell the man has no """ego""".. not like most men you know? He's very proud and very stubborn but no real ego issues. I'm lucky.
 
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life is not kind   
03:53pm 21/05/2005
  Its been a horrid week... not making a damn thing on the river... and my real job is driving me nutz... 3 managers in one month... I need a better job  
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Blarg.   
02:10pm 27/04/2005
 
mood: pensive
Okay so life pretty well bites.
I"m getting interviwed tomorrow for that manager job they've been tempting me with for a year... we shall see how THAT goes. :(
I left the house last night and avoided coming home until after 10... just canNOT bear to be there anymore. I really want to move out...
spent the evening pacing the river... literally just roaming River Street... *shrug* Let's hope tonight I"m in a better temper.
 
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Well Hell   
11:19am 26/04/2005
 
mood: frustrated
music: My Way or the Hiway... Limp Bizkit (In my head)
I'm not sure what's happening but it seeks K may be trying to block my promotion.

I KNOW he's blocking me from moving out in spite of the increasing verbal abuse aimed at forcing me to move. He's making damn sure I can't get out, by the simple means of not allowing me to not pay rennt for ONE paycheck, so that I can afford to bug out the following paycheck.

Bastard.

He says it's because I'll just spend all the $$$ and stay right on, when he knows better. I want O-W-T right now... and am very close to going to Grace House or one of the other shelters in the area. *sigh* I DON'T want to go to Safe Shelter because I don't want to be treated as a criminal for being a victim.

So now what? I CAN'T move out without 2 weeks rent ahead of time for the new place plus deposit... because I pay my rent each two weeks, you see. So THAT means needing, minimum... *does quick math* MINIMUM, $225.
And that's assuming a room for $75 a week... any higher and I hit the wall of affordability.

Dammit.

I need a roomate... I really need a roomate. But that's also nearly impossible or so it seems these days.

Ideas? Suggestions? Help?
 
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Well Hell   
11:19am 26/04/2005
 
mood: frustrated
music: My Way or the Hiway... Limp Bizkit (In my head)
I'm not sure what's happening but it seeks K may be trying to block my promotion.

I KNOW he's blocking me from moving out in spite of the increasing verbal abuse aimed at forcing me to move. He's making damn sure I can't get out, by the simple means of not allowing me to not pay rennt for ONE paycheck, so that I can afford to bug out the following paycheck.

Bastard.

He says it's because I'll just spend all the $$$ and stay right on, when he knows better. I want O-W-T right now... and am very close to going to Grace House or one of the other shelters in the area. *sigh* I DON'T want to go to Safe Shelter because I don't want to be treated as a criminal for being a victim.

So now what? I CAN'T move out without 2 weeks rent ahead of time for the new place plus deposit... because I pay my rent each two weeks, you see. So THAT means needing, minimum... *does quick math* MINIMUM, $225.
And that's assuming a room for $75 a week... any higher and I hit the wall of affordability.

Dammit.

I need a roomate... I really need a roomate. But that's also nearly impossible or so it seems these days.

Ideas? Suggestions? Help?
 
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Life is confuzing   
07:56pm 12/04/2005
 
mood: confused
music: No tunes...
I'm totally baffled by it these days. :(
My current relationship is rolling rapidy downhill... I don't want to be here anymore... mostly because he's doing way too many recreational pharmeceuticals... (sp?)
I still love him but can no longer live with him... however I'm really not ready for or interested in starting over... I'm seriously thinking of just not coming back out to play if this goes down the tubes...
*le sigh*
 
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Gods it's been a while.   
07:03pm 04/04/2005
 
mood: blah
Let's see...
I"m trying again for my promotion, waiting to see what's going to happen with it.
I"m working on moving out on my own with a roomate, not a live-in. Said roomate being a good friend from my LAS class... decent person.
Back into the vampire game, kinda sorta. Have a character I can play and enjoy, at the least.
Hmm. My life really hasn't been all that thrilling this last few months. Almost a year, can you believe it?
Hard to believe I"m leaving K... but the time seems to have come. At least it's a quiet death, not one of flame and fury. Maybe we can still be friends.
 
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