07:29pm 07/08/2004
  wow i havent written in this in a long time. if by chance noone know that i have 2 more journals: iceageblue (public), and ecstasybreathes (friends only)... i just told u lol. i love u all. muAh.  
what an awesome concert, huh? lol   
02:16am 02/07/2004
mood: high
music: jet <3
well today was kinda weird. i slept for most of it. i did the dishes, laundry, and vaccumed to get $20 from my mom for this jet concert. i finalllly got it from her. i went to pick up trish and we went to the dome theater for the concert. after that was over we went to this mini mart on main st and tried to buy a phillie but the stupid guy was being gay, so after going back to the car we got our phillie :)...peach yummy. trish rolled the blunt lol. lets just say it was an "extra special" blunt lol. hey, we got high lol thats all that matters. i cant wait to hang out again trish lol... fun times. after we both drove my car around for a while we went to dennys to give johnny (and matt) a hug. matt was being so nice!! i dont understand lol. but anyways... its like 20 after 2 and im tired. i love u all. <3 steph
     Read 2 - Post
01:05am 03/06/2004
mood: numb
hmph...thursday night at midnight... at home with a million things going through my head. feeling used as can be, more heart broken than ever, and i feel like i've been traded in for something better. so basically i feel like shit. if anyone is reading this entry, let me tell u to stop now because it will probably be nothing more than me complaing. since the 23rd of may my life has been hell. the heart that i had was once filled with joy, love, peace, and happiness has now downsized. compare ... hmm it was a watermelon, now a (green) grape. i was so set on what i wanted and how i wanted it, its so scary to be completly lost, all alone. friends barely cheer you up, all hope feels like it is lost, happiness will never return. yes yes yes, i know i can t base my life on one person, but i did. i still want to and i dont know why. im being walked all over and im not doing anything about it. sure let me come over and please you so u can make me feel like shit in a couple of hours. i give you unconditional love, money, anythinggggg you want, and you still treat me like shit. yeah, i know, you're comfused. so am i! you tell me one thing than you do another. its okay for you to go out and have fun with your (OUR) friends and spend nearly you last dollar, but if i do it, lock the doors and put in the ear plugs, im sure to hear about it. is that your new goal in life, to make my life miserable? if its not, u sure have a funny way of showing it. "i love you steph", "i love you too". oh wait, it never happens like that any more, its more like... "i love you matt" then if i am lucky "i love you too". u say it, and u say u mean it. y treat me like shit then?? sure u try to please me when u want to see me, but when i want to see u which is allll the time, i always get put last. u dont realize how fucking much u hurt me. u dont realize how much i just want to fucking die. im not just saying this for attention or sympathy, im saying this because it is really going through my head. i used to be scared of death, but now its like i welcome it. every day i long for happiness with you, but u wont let it happen. "i have feelings for you, i love you, my feelings are all inside of me, i have to wait for them to come out, im confused, I LOVE YOU" how can u say u still love me and care about me and then TREAT ME LIKE THIS- SHIT! why do i let you do it. im head over heals in love with you and i cant say no to u, im addicted. i NEED you it seems like. nothing satisfies me the way you do, no im not talking sexualy, im talking mentally. your good friends are all telling me to give you time, thats all it is gonna take. i cant do this anymore. i need you, i cant live without you. tell me now to get it over with. save me all this heartache, whatever you chose will help me. chose me, love me, make me yours again. or... tell me that u dont want to be with me ever again and you will never have to worry about me again, noone will. im sick of life, love, etc. if i cant have you, i dont want anything. you gave me the world and then u took it all away in a heart beat. OH NO WAIT!!! YOU DONT HAVE A HEART BEAT BC U DONT HAVE A MOTHER FUCKING HEART ANYMORE!!!! u need to grow up and find ur self a girl bc im not gonna be here much longer. u know its never gonna get better when u cry yourself to sleep everynight, when pain and sorrow are constantly overriding happiness and love. u have done soo much to me, and i forgave you for it all. why are you being so damn selfish?..."im confused, i dont know, im confused, i dont know, im confused, i dont know what i want". well FUCK!!! im mad, angry, confused, sad, continuously crying, suicidal, and i hate the world right now. dont tell me you're confused!!! u need to tell me something, good or bad, i dont care anymore, just tell me SOMETHING! oh my fucking GOD! how can i love you when i hate everything about u right now.?.?.?.? wtf. ive never ever ever EVER felt this way before. what should i do??? shut you out, never talk to u again, let u keep walking all over me, come to ur every call, kill myself for my one true love bc i can never feel this way about anyone ever again? what the hell shoud i do? i have to go and i love everyone who truly loves me. to my real friends, thank you for always being there for me, i dont know if ill ever have another chance to say how much u select few really mean to me. ...i love you.
<3 MATT, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS... i will always love you.
i love you guys always and forever... steph
baby's gone to work :(   
03:46pm 28/04/2004
mood: happy
music: nirvana
so bored, so awake... not hungry, nothing to do. i bought new pants (*jeans*) at pac sun along with a new purse (the purse is like a tan color with a pink strap, its so cute). well anyways, the jeans had like a black stain on the botton and those were the only size 1's they had so he called the outlet mall and they had size 3's, but i just took the ones with the stain on them b/c they fit so perfect, i love them soo much lol. chip was the leader of the pac that day so he gave me 20% off, yay! lol. oh yeah, and i got the stain out lol. so they only costed me like 30 bucks. this guy who worked there kept calling me hun ("hows everything fit hun" ""hun, can i get u anything else") and matt got mad lol. i felt bad, I LOVE YOU MATT! u mah babie!! lol. he doesnt even read my journal, oh well. actually i think joey is the only one who reads it sometimes. I LOVE YOU JOEY!! lol. it gives me soemthing to do when im bored. i was reading micheles (alexander) journal and she was the come as you are nirvana sond... this is meee...
You are...Lithium!
You are...Lithium!

What kind of Nirvana song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
hehe i dot know what that song sounds like, maybe i do, im retarded lol. idk. okay, maybe i do know that song.
I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly
That's okay 'cause so are you
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all i care
And i'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze
'Cause i found God

Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6)

I'm so lonely, that's okay, i shaved my head
And i'm not sad
And just maybe i'm to blame for all i've heard
But i'm not sure
I'm so excited, i can't wait to meet you there
And i don't care
I'm so horny, that's okay my will is good

Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6)

I like it... i'm not gonna crack
I miss you... i'm not gonna crack
I love you... i'm not gonna crack
I kill you... i'm not gonna crack
I like it... i'm not gonna crack
I miss you... i'm not gonna crack
I love you... i'm not gonna crack
I kill you... i'm not gonna crack

I'm so happy 'cause today i found my friends
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay 'cause so are you
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all i care
And i'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze 'cause i found god!

Yeah, yeah, yeah (x6)

I like it... i'm not gonna crack
I miss you... i'm not gonna crack
I love you... i'm not gonna crack
I kill you... i'm not gonna crack
I like i... i'm not gonna crack
I miss you... i'm not gonna crack
I love you... i'm not gonna crack
I kill you... i'm not gonna crack

hmm... i should go to sleep or something. my mom is outside cutting our grass. oooh my jeans should be clean and dry by now. maybe ill take a shower and wear them lol.

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

oh yeah ...joey, he asked me :). i was happy. now we have to find me a dress, will you come with me? i need help lol. hmm does this do anything? oh thats so cool, i learned a new thing lol yay. what about this hmm i guess ill find out when i post this long boring entry. i have to start sleeping at home. matts bed is sooo freaking comfortable though... and mine is so hard and uncomfortable. *sigh* oh well. hmmph,.,.,., i gotta go now. talk to you my precious journal later! muAh!
.:*tears fall from sore eyes*:.   
05:00am 06/04/2004
mood: depressed
music: YC*Yellow*Card *YC
who will lead? who will follow? cry today. cry tomorrow. walk fast to get away, but it just brings another day. spinning, twisting, and turning, mixed together with burning. back sore, knees weak, as i stride for one more leap. noone will know how far i went, noone was with me on the pavement. wandering, wondering, and thingink, while im slowly sinking. will this ever end? maybe around the next bend...

will you walk this road and watch me weap? all of my secrets will you keep? will you fight with me to get through tomorrow? are you willing to experience pain and sorrow? will you be ready to engage in a never ending fight? are you ready to be tired and fight with all of your mite? are you willing to be my *friend?
will you actually stick with me till the end?

*never know_
___________*never try_
____________________*never wonder_
_________________________________*just to die_
haven't written in a real long time...   
05:32pm 05/04/2004
mood: energetic
music: dive right in-story of the year. ohgod i love them so much!!
hmm i dont even know where to start.... <3 i love you matt <3! concerts are awesome, trapt, finger eleven, some kick ass band called edge water (so sad i cant find their cd anywhere), etc... life has been so much fun lately. i honestly think i found someone who i want to be with for the rest of my life, it feels so good to know that. angelo is back from clai YAY! he looks so much darker. lol he is like holy shit it's cold over here and it'll be like the hottest day of the week lol. the past couple weeks i have slept at matts house, its like i live there. its so awesome to have someone who u love so much and know he loves u in return hold you throughout the entire night :). matt bought me this new game for ps2 called socom, its so hard but i think i got it al lil better now lol. matt and me are going to florida over the summer yay!! if that doent work out i think we should go to cali and ang can show us around lol. i got 39.5 hours this week, ive never worked so much in my life lol, at least i like the job, its awesome. i saw mar and ash in sunoco the other day, they were with mar's sister. i finally got smart and learned how to avoid parking tickets lol (carroll) after paying like $200 of em lol. secret window is a kick ass movie, its weird at first like i thought that i understood it, but then i didnt until the end lol. mr.c's bday is on wedensday! yay mr.c!! i have to work i think, maybe matt will work for me so i can go out to dinner with them lol <33. for my moms bday i bought her $60 worth of scratch offs and gold earings and she won like $100, i was so happy!! i thought that she was gonna lose all my money hehe. well i have to go see my bebe at work and get my hours for next week. buh-bye all. *muAh* <3 always, stephAnie
     Read 1 - Post
bOrEdEr ThAn EvEr...   
04:06am 14/01/2004
mood: tired
music: marilyn manson

You are Ecstasy!

Contrary to popular belief, you don't want to sex everyone you meet.

You rather hug, dance, hug, suck on some candy, and hug some more.

Side effects include: thinking bad techno sounds good - and finding the creepiest people "pretty"

What Drug Are You?

More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva

retro sexy

You Are Retro Sexy!

You have a classic sex appeal that passes the test of time.

You're feminine, subtle with your seductions, and perfectly tuned into men.

A woman with your attention to detail is rare find and a true prize.

You're an incredible catch for any guy, especially rich older ones.

What Kind of Sexy Are *You*?

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fashion model paris hilton

You are Fashion Model Paris Hilton!

In your circle of friends, you're the pretty one

(Even if you are a guy! - think, metrosexul)

And you usually surround yourself with the beautiful people

Except for your fat friends, who are they to make you look extra thin :-)

Which Paris Hilton Are You?

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Your Freaky Fetish Is Androgyny!

"Boys in the girl's room; Girls in the men's room"

You're game, as long as you can't tell them apart

Your amBIguous sexuality prefers those of ambiguous gender

Because it's much more fun when the sexy parts are a surprise!

What's Your Freaky Fetish?

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two people

You Will Have Sex With 2 People!

That's like one person, ever four years

Maybe it's true that everyone gets two true loves

Or maybe one true love and one screw up

For a girl, you're about average... for a guy, a little inactive

How Many People Will You Have Sex With?

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perfect lay

You Are a Perfect Lay!

All sorts of guys long to hook up with you, but your standards are set high.

You don't just give it up to anyone, but when you do...they can't get enough of you!

You have a knack for pleasing and receiving, and sex with you is never boring.

Only problem is ~ they all seem to be falling in love with you...

What Kind of Lay Are You?

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candy delight

Your Stripper Name is Candy Delight!

You are always the feature dancer at the best clubs.

Your customers pay big money to see you, even if it means starving six days of the week.

For you, stripping is an art form, and you are a grande artiste.

Very classy and never trashy - you won't stoop to doing anything sleazy.

You are constantly posing in magazines and winning Miss Nude contests.

In StripperLand, you are the ultimate queen.

Other strippers may be jealous by all the attention you get, but you walk away with the most money!

What's *Your* Stripper Name?

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physics tutor

You Should Tutor Physics!

You're very good in chemistry... but not the type that will get you a good lay.

Many people find you attractive - but aren't looking for the kind of commitment that you are.

Use your brain to your advantage! Help out that hottie struggling in your physics class.

The reward may be more handsome than you imagined!

What Should *You* Tutor?

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subtle flirt

You are a SUBTLE Flirt!

This is the female equivalent of "the strong and silent type."

Or, the whole "still waters run deep" thing.

And that makes you dangerous. Oh, yes…dangerous.

You lull men (and competitive women) into a false sense of security.

By appearing nonthreatening, quiet and unassuming, you can strike at the right moment, when no one's expecting it.

It's a method that’s tried and true over the ages and it works wonders for you.

So go on, with your sneaky self, Ms. Covert Ops.

What Kind of Flirt Are *You*?

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i went snowboarding the past 2 days.. i didnt today bc it was way to cold. i want to buy my own, i just need some $$$ first like 3 or 4 hundred lol. i uses matts board and his size 13 boots lol. i need like a guy size 6 or7. im so bored. i hope school is canceled tomorrow so i will have some people to go to canada with.. we are gonna hit up cupulos. nice big trip across the boarder. lol yeah right. thursday im leaving to go to alabama at 8pm right after i get out of work. i have to go to nccc early in the morning to get my books for school. ughh. school starts on the 20th for me. ill be back from alabama on tuesday morning (early like between 3a-7a) so ill be nice and tired for my first day back at school. yay lol.i want to get a perfect average... a 4.0, its gonna be tough, but it on my list of things to do before i die lol. matt came over tonight, he stayed till like 2ish i think. i love him so much. im just getting happier and happier in this relationship. usually foe me it starts to go downhill but luckly it hasnt (:X_yet_X:). On the trip to AL it is my mom, matt, scott, and me. we rented a mini van (yeah baby!!) and we are driving allll the way. its gonna be a long trip, its like driving to florids *sigh*. we bought holly (my sister and the reason why were going to Al...shes getting married on the 24th but were going this weekend bc its a long one) sheets bc thats what she wanted. my mom bought her these beautiful blue ones and i bought her these cream flannel ones. they are fucking expensive! we spent over $100.00, luckly they were on sale! lol. oh god, i am starting to sound like my ma lol. i've said luckly like 3 times so far... and its weird bc i never use that word. i was talking to the infamous "dan matthwes" (jOeY)... lol... and he realy thinks joey is HOTT! lol he is like lovin her hottness. i met him at clover hill, he is a really nice boy.dave got all offensive and was like dude... dont touch her! lol. i was like chill... u 2 arent going out anymore, and he said that he is gonna try to get back with u joey... watch out. lol. matt told dan to start talking to joey. maybe they will become good friends, or more.. lol. uh -oh... im starting with the D....O...T...S! that means im tired (i think¿)lol. i just found out that my nani is in the hospital, they think she had a heart attack (when i was little i use to call them "hard" attacks). my mom just told me that i use to say "misterine" instead or 'listerine' when i was little. hehe so cute. anyways, its 4:00a, im out. peacce, be easy. lol jk im not dave. hehe. muAh. i love everyone (almost). and dont worry its not YOU@! the people i dont like dont know i have this i think. lol. muAh buh byez! if ur my friend... call me before i leave to go to alabama, just to say bye... i wanna see who will call me. i love you all. muAh (for the 3rd time lol_) buh-byes! <3 always, steph
     Read 4 - Post
08:15am 11/01/2004
mood: awake
My inner child is sixteen years old today

My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.

How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

:( .*tear*.   
03:30pm 08/01/2004
mood: upset
music: i feel sick ... :(
...matt is mean...
ugh... diets arent fun :(   
12:00am 08/01/2004
mood: hungry
music: hot hot heat
whats up people? i just got dont commenting in my babi kangaroos journal. _i love her*. dom is a no good rotton son of a bitch, she needs to just totally ignore everything he says and does. DOM DOES NOT EXIST! hehe last night i like fell asleep at matts hous etill 6:50am or soemthing. i lost my keys so i couldnt leave his house lol. he found them under his bed in a tops bag. then i thought that i could go home and get some sleep ya know... so of course... my MOM calls and tells me to hurry up and go to the doctors lol. he told me to go on a diet! can you believe that! i know i may not be skinny, but i dont think im fat. he said that i have high cholesterol levels and some high 't' thing. i dont know what he is talking about. so now i have to diet for a month and then get some 'oh so horrible -blood work-' done. it really sucks man. i cant eat fried foods, dairy products... no butter, no oils, no chocolate, no beef or beef flavoring. i live on bk and if i cant have that i eat like chicken fingers and i cant have them bc they have breadding on them, i cant have grilled cheese (bc of the cheese _dairy), i cant have buttered noodles (_butter). my life is completely over! and get this, the doc told me not to lose any weight ! lol hA hA! he is taking away all the stuff i like to eat, how am i not gonna lose weight. whatever. i finally go t to see my joey tonight. she called me and we talked for a little bit then i told her to meet me at scotts house. she came and kicked ass in pool. she got good over the months lol. then ronald and me were playing a game on xbox called halo? i think.lol it was so hard to aim the aimer thing on the gun. then joey and i started to play it. someone was like 'uh-oh, pouttin the 2 girls together, they're gonna kick ass' or something along those lines. well im tired, i miss matt. and JOEY, we better do soemthing on friday_ even if all we do is sit together all day, i miss ya gurly. muAh to all!! buh-byes (i liked it when joey said that to her dad on the ohone lol). ....im hungry lol.
02:37am 30/12/2003
mood: bloated
music: hed pe
yo sup every1? lol im bored. these hershey kisses are goooood! i got home from matts house at like 1:45ish, i dont know the exact time. his aunt and uncle are up from charlotte. my tummy hurts a lot. i think im getting .... u know what lol. i like started to clean my room, but after putting 2 things away and throwing away pictures of ryan i decided to stop. too much strenuous activity for one day. i saw like a million pics or rihannon on matts computer today, he said that they were just 'friends'. its okay tho... :( whatever. i dont think he wanted me to find them, and after i saw them he didnt even delete them. he is gonna probably tell me that he deleted them and he will just hide them better or something. i told my mom about that and she said exactly what she thought matt would say, and she was right... he brought up ryan lol. lollllll!!!!! when i got home from matts i put on my pj's... which are an abercrombie sweatshirt and some cool pants. there is a stain in the arm of the shirt and i asked my mom to get it out. so here comes my ma with this big ass can of 'spot shot stain remover' spray. shes like come over here. so i came. i held out my arm and im watching her spray. she starts to spray and it sprays all over my face! it burned sooo bad. i just got done telling erh the story about how some people and i put it all over amys crotch area and it like burned and itched after a while. so after my mom sprayed it in my face shhe like instantly pissed herself lol. as she was running to the toilet she was laughing her ass off saying "ur face, ur face" lol. i guess when she sprayed it i had a suprised and confused look on my face lol. we were both laughing so hard. my mom and i are crazzzy lol. my sister is getting married in may and i was gonna go and bring matt as my date. my mom was like 'do u want me to go to the wedding with u?' i told her that i didnt know if she was invited and she was like well... ill just go for the trip. i told her that it was kinda just gonna be matt and i going, and she said she didnt care. i feel bad telling her to stay home, i just cant do it lol i made it crystal clear that i am taking my own car down to alabama. im listening to my music and driving as fast or as slow as i want lol. i dont know if she is still gonna come, and if she comes will she take her own car now? lol it is kinda pointless to take 2 cars to AL but i dont wanna be stuck just sitting around, i want to explore. lol. and the hotel room situation... ohhh goddd. her snoringg and grunting and restlessness all night, no thank you. besides, i want to be in a room with just matt :) lol. i hope he has some money if he comes, not to be rude or anything but i just cant financially afford to bring us both. i wish he had a jobbbbb. things would be so much easier. well im tired. the whole reason i got on blurty was to write about the spray cleaner... oh and by the way, the stain is still there lol. good night everyone, sweet ass dreams for all! nite! <3 always, me*_
     Read 2 - Post
my throat feels bubbly lol   
01:51am 29/12/2003
mood: tired
music: skinny puppy lol jk (iwanttohearmypeehittingthetoileth2o)lol
heylo everyone :) i have more readers than i expected. that makes me happy. lisa...or leesea (i dont know which one because i see it both ways lol) commented in my entry. it made me happy. :-D. today was so slow and boring. i got to watch my bèbè skate for a lil bit, i wish i couldve seen more, i love watchin him skate! it turns me on baby!! lol. we all (matt & me, joey & dave s, marisa & mike, scott, brandon, and dave) made plans to go snowboarding at kissing bridge on this wedensday. i hope it all works out. i dont htink everyone is gonna end up going, one can only hope. joey is mad at me :(. she didnt let me finish what i was saying and she got all snappy so i got snappy back. i love her to death, shes mah jolly green joey! i feel so bad when her and i have little "fights" like that lol, it bugs me. i know that ill always be there for her, i hope i can expect the same in return. matts great grama died :*( .:tear:. r.i.p. i feel bad for him, he is all sad and stuff. our 3 month (yay!!) is on tuesday and that is the same day his family is going to syracuse for his great grama. he isnt sure if he is going yet. in a way i hope he doesnt go, but then i feel selfish, so in a way i want him to go. we just got done talking online a little while ago, i was kinda sad tho. i didnt want him to stop talking, but he had to go to sleep. i just kinda didnt respond to the im's he was sending me. its all good though, he knows that *i love him*. im really tired now and i want to go to sleep on my uncomfortable bed. the only good thing about it is that i get to sleep under this awesome down "throw" blanket comforter thing my aunt and uncle got me for christmas. its soooo soft, warm, and cozy. i wish i could cuddle with matt tonight... i will in my dreams. good night everyone, sweet dreams! <3 stef _luvumatt
cHrIsTmAs EvE eVe...    
05:25am 23/12/2003
mood: loved
music: the song matt recorded :)
today was kinda fun. :) im a lot happier than i was, but im still mad lol.last night matt and i talked for like totally ever and we just slept in my car lol. when we woke up we went to his house and slept the whole day in his bed. i love him so fucking much!!! he already knew that i loved him because i said something and he responded "i think that is love", i was like aww. when we finally woke up today at like 10 or so (i think lol) he played on the computer for a lil bit... this scary game. im glad he was there to protect me :D. XOXO i love you matt <33. then we came to my house and finallllly put up a christmas tree. it looks pretty cool, i couldnt have done it with out matt tho. lol matt, matt, matt, thats all this entry thing is about. im just so happy (_and mad lol). he left my house at like 3:30 am or something like that and i was hungry so when i drove him home i went in his house with him and he cooked me some leftovers (yuck!) but they werent that bad. Lo0O0OoL!!!!! tonight i was like so hyper, i could not stop laughing, tears were seriously comming out of my eyes i was laughing so hard. my mom was like take the end. i was like WhAt?? lol i had no freaking clue what she was talking about. i needed a plug thing to plug my clock into but the prongy thingys wouldnt fit in a normal thing. so i was like dying lol. matt mustve thought i was crazy, he eventually started laughing too. i was leaving his house and i like just left lol, i didnt even really say bye or even give him a hug. :( that kinda made me sad. i thought he was gonna walk me out to my car or soemthing, but he didnt. its okay tho. then i came home and i cannot sleep. i got so bored i started reading some deadjournals. lol. i started reading one of his x's (michele) journals... i like started from the beginning so matt and her were going out in it. i am like so jealous of her. i think he really liked (hopefully not loved, but ya never know) her. it sounded like she liked him a lot too... she said that she loved him :(.. he is my man lol. 6 1/2 hour days of just lying on her bed (just? lol) listening to music, snowboarding with matt and dave, a hickey on his cheek (and one he gave her...grr), him going with her to get her tattoo and her nipple pierced. :( reading all that made me sad, idk why i kept reading, i guess i just couldnt help myself. i hope he doesnt miss anyone, i want to make him the happiest man alive. i hope i have the strength to. i dont think i can measure up to some of the girls he went out with sometimes. i feel hopeless. *.::tear::.* im scared of losing him, now that i love him and im hooked on him... i dont want anything to take him away from me. i sound all corny, but thats how i feel. hopefully this will last and we'll be happy together forever :). i think i should try and get some sleep. tomorrow (well...today lol) matt is going shopping with my mom and her boyfriend bob. i have to babysit my bebe at 7AM, im gonna be dead lol. oh well. i cant wait to see matt tomorrow (TODAY), i want him to hold me forever. he has a way of making me feel really special to him, it feels extremly good. good night, sweet dreams. _*iloveumatt*_
<3 alwaysss, me*
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sk8r gurlll   
08:10pm 21/12/2003
mood: happy
music: blinkkk
today was kinda fun, i got my mind off alot of stuff :). dave took me skatin at this place in buffalo, marcus came too. i did a lot of stuff, it made me feel good. hmm well im gonna go now because im gonna make dave a journal (he loves joeyyyy) hehez. well i g2g ill be online later to tell u all about my day! <33 me
02:38am 21/12/2003
mood: devistated
music: the USED... its exactly how i feel.
helllllo everyone! how is everybody doing? good i hope. today was a really bad day. first i found out that someone who was really really close to me said something they shouldnt have, with out even being asked! i guess he didnt know that i was like right outside his door with my best buddie joey (i LOVE you to fiucking death bebe joeseph!). at first... joey and i were just listening to them sing, but then after aout 15 minutes they stopped singing and they started to joke about "him being on his -period-". thats how all the shit started... then it went on, and on, and on. i heard enough, the door was opened, i run out of the house with joey following me. :*(. he told me that he loved me. he told me that i could trust him. he told me that he would never lie to me. but i guess he told me lies. after that part of the day, i was kinda upset that he would say something like that so we went to the mall. joey bought me a brownie to cheer me up! that made me a lil happier. we walked around the mall for a bit and then left. then i went to my uncle joe's house in lewiston to make cookies. i got there at like 4:30 and we got done making cookies at like seriously 7:30. there were like 200 cookies and they took sooo long to make. that kinda cheered me up a lil bit too. then i went home and i was gonna make myself some buttered noodles and my mom was like "NOOOOOOOOOO" lol... i was like "huh?". then she brought me out to eat, i had shells :). that made me happy too. but then... ohh then... okay... i was ready to go home to sleep (it was like 9 pm and i was tired) and i got a phone call. i was told some pretty fucked up stuff, that really hurt me. i didnt believe it at first so i called someone to see if it was true. he of course lied to me and denied it at first, but the truth eventually came out. i asked him about stuff of that subject before, all he would have had to do was tell me the freakin truth and it wouldnt have been half as bad. but no, he lied to me. he said that he was scared to tell me. i guess he thought it would be better if he hid it from me. im the kind of girl who likes to be told everything upfont. I CANT BELIEVE HE FUCKING DID THAT TO ME! i love you steph, your my everything, i would never lie to you, id do anything for you. yeah the fuck right. i should have knew that he was "sweet talking" me, nut i guess im to nieve to see it. now i know how guys really are. they wont tell you the shit you should know until its too late. i was "heated" lol. i didnt know what to do after i heard all of the things he said about me. i called my friend ronald in tears, i told him that he is the only one i can actually trust. i seriously ran (on my own 2 feet lol) to his house. i was freezin, i had on jeans with holes in em and a little hoodie. he gave me a baby blue mecca zip up hoodie to wear. him and i walked and talked about a variety of things. his doggie came with us too, shes so cute! i felt better after i talked to him, he always makes me feel good, i luv ronald!!! then joey came over when she was done babysitting at like 11pm. dave called me and we went to buffalo until like 1:30am. it was cool, there was this guy at brandons house named justin, he was like totally passed out on the couch, like i dont think i could wake him up of o tried. it was funny. it was good to talk to dave too... we said a lotttt of stuff. i cant believe matt says bad things about me. i wouldve never thought that he would say stuff like that about my back, but then again, i would never have thought some other stuff about him too. i was informed that matt does say bad things about me, but when he does say something bad/mean about me he will try and say three good things to make up for it. lol total bull shit, nothing makes up for that shit. whatever, i have to learn not to care i guess. i care, care, and care, and i get hurt, hurt, and hurt. there is too many "hidden" things in his life. i know if i ask him he wont tlel me everything, ive asked before and he said that he couldnt think of anything. lol HAHA. you shouldnt ask a question that prevoke a lie. i learn the hard way. it just really hurts, look at me.. i have to talk to a mother fucking journal thing. these keys are ready to like pop off the keyboard im hitting them so hard because im so mad and fucking DISCUSTED! yuck, how could anyone do anything like that to someone, espically if they "love" them. i think some people have a misconseption of the word love. they may let their feelings (OR PENIS) take over. but whatever, im just another piece of ass, right?? screw guys, they screw us enough. im never gonna do anything sexual until im ready to have a child. guys are pigs. i feel so used. i want to cry but i think i ran out of tears. how can i be so stupid, so blind? well hopefully tomorrow will get my mind off things, and off of him. i am going skating with some friends to this place in buffalo. im kind of excited. i really dont care if i get hurt, i think it might actually feel good to get physically bruised, i mean... im getting emotionally bruised all the time. my friend was like you might get a bruise on your ass, i was like i dont care, its not like anyone is gonna be looking at it for a longgg time, if i even ever show my ass to anyone ever again. i probably will lol, i have to :) i just have to find someone who acutally cares about me and wouldnt jeapordize my health just because they were scared to tell me something.then i find out that mad people know about this and they like have known for a while, i wonder when it happened. why didnt i find out sooner? idk. things are gonna be a lot more simple now. stop thinking about it. hmm well its like 2:30am and i think i need some sleep. tomorrow is gonna be a strenious day for moi. bonne chance a moi! lol. i need it. hehe. xBxUxHx-xBxYxExZx! <33 me*
hey baby   
08:10pm 18/12/2003
  hey sexy. everyone should no this is matt. and im writin in my babies journal. shes my everything. i no well last forever cuz i love her so much. shes the only one for me and noone else so dont get no ideas anyone. im so happy when im with her and i know my feelings will never change about her.... well maybe ill start lovin her more but duh i love her more and more everytime i see her. even when im not with her i cant stop thinkin bout her. i dont wanna keep typin cuz im gettin my own journal and i no shes all im gonna be talkin about. so if u dont wannna here about steph dont look.
love ya babe muah!
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04:50am 18/12/2003
mood: exhausted
music: lol...enrique englasias (however u spell his damn name)
ahh im tired. i just got back from matts house. his mom told him to go to bed at like 1:30am (when we got home). we just got back from seeing the lord of the rings- return of the king-, i liked it, but it couldve been better. after the movie he made food for us and then we didnt eat it because we werent hungry, then we fell asleep in his bed till about 4:30am. we thought we were all slick getting out of the house all quietly... then we heard his mom... MATT! lol. i thought i knew what i was getting matt for christmas but now he told me to not spend over like $120 ish. what i wanted to get him is at least a couple hundred... oh well... there is always next holiday. now in the mean time i have to get something for christmas. im tired... goin to bed now. matt if u ever read this leave me some ideas for christmas presents for ya <3. buh-byez!
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12:48am 17/12/2003
mood: irritated
music: nickelback- someday <33
err sometimes i get so mad at cartian people!!! i dont know what to do after it happens either, my whole night is shit. today i had to work at a different building than what i normally work at, so it sucked because there were like all different kids there. i have to go christmas shopping but i have no m$o$n$e$y... :(. ohhh my best friend (jOeY) likes this boy named dave and they would be sooo cute together, i hope they go out and the relationship lasts. im so happy for her because she seems so happy and they dont even go out. so many guys like joey... she just has to pick one lol. i hope matt and i last, i get too jealous of other girls, i have reason to be jealous lol. but sometimes it just really starts to bug me and i dont wanna deal with it anymore. . . maybe ill just get used to it. at like 10 tonight dave, joey, matt, and i went to honeys.... i l<3ve it there! all four of us got chicken fingers lol. our waitress was such a ditzy bitch, she didnt like even check on us, we had to go to her, she got like a 13 cent tip. i cant wait for christmas, i wish i had a tree. my mom wants to clean off a table, then she said we can get a tree. i mean... a freaking tree has nothing to do with a table?!?! whatever. i hope matt didnt get me anything expensive for christmas, i dont have the money right now to be spending that much. i only have a couple ideas for him... im not exactly sure what ill end up buying him yet, joey and i need to discuss that (i love you joey!!!). well i just had to vent because i just got off the phone with someone and i was kinda mad, i didnt even say bye.. .i waited for him to like hang up on me. but i feel a lot better now :D. good night sweet dreamz! *MuAh* <3 always mee
My First Entry... YAY lol   
02:52am 16/12/2003
mood: tired
music: loopus :)
Hello everyone! I dont know what to write about. It is like 3:11am, Gibby and I have been playing pool for like a half an hour. He kicked my ass all of the games except for one... he got the 8 ball in. But i still won lol!! I hope Gib gets what he wants... :). I just ate like a whole bowl of cherries...yummy. I know i need to go to sleep but I cant. What did I do today... hmm.. i woke up at like 1:30pm ish because <3matt<3 called me. Then I got up and took a shower, went to get gass with matt... and then I went to work :(. Work really sucks when you're sick, I was tired the whole 4 hours I had to sit there. After work i went to matts house and my mom called me... she took us to the mall. I hate going places with my mom because she always makes me so aggravated. She flips out over the stupidist stuff. Anyways, after the mall i went back to matts house and we just kinda sat around, watched tv, and ate. Im trying to find lyrics for this one song by loopus but they are like nowhere to be found. Well, I guess Im gonna go to bed now because I really have nothing else to say... not that I had anything to really say in the first place. So I l<3ve you all... buh-byez! <3 Always, §tef
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