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mood |
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music |
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Baby It's You - Jojo |
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So I'm sitting on the train and my mp3 player just died on me. So I looked at my backpack beside me and decided the only thing left to entertain me was Morley Callaghn's "Such is My Beloved", or I could start a blurty heaven knows I need to blurt. I have about 34723048203489 things going on in my head and I don't think I've made a decision about a single one of them. So, this is a blurty that has been started in my mind many times and I just haven't managed to spit it out because I was too afraid of what might be said once it was posted. So, I came clean to Richard about everything I am thinking and now I feel a little more free to take the time to spit this all out.
I am really considering going back to Gan for the summer. I know. I know how ludicrous that sounds. I realize that me going back to Gan would be the biggest hypocritical move of the century but it turns out right now I'm not faced with to many other options. Presently, I don't have a coop placement in Ottawa. I realize placement runs into the month of June but I can't wait around until then to figure out if I have employment. I NEED to make money for school next year. Yes, I have a loan, but I don't like using it. I like being comfortable (which I definitely have been this year) financially, and I don't want to go through the struggle of not start to make money until June like I did last year (the whole A&P/LCBO/Golden Apple/Tower fiasco). Government jobs are WAY down this summer in Ottawa, and outside of that fact most of my options for Ottawa employment (through coop) seem to be crappy office jobs where I am going to spend my day behind some desk in a cubicle. I can't handle that. And how does that help me get to being a teacher? I'm really starting to think that the coop program isn't something that I am going to gain a valuable experience from. So, I have a meeting with Marc (my coordinator) to see what my withdrawl options are. I don't want to get beaten with a shit load of fine for withdrawing from the program. However, they evaluate each student case by case and I may be exempt from that if I prove I have been job hunting (which I've been doing like crazy).
So, I'm working at Tommy right now, but I can't stay there for the summer because I won't make enough money and I'm not guaranteed my hours. I'm only making 8$/hr at Tommy, and I could (I think) go back to the Tower and make an easy 9$/hr (or more) and be guaranteed my 40 hours, plus be only working 3 ? days a week. I also, have many other job prospects in Gan. Mom could pretty much easily score me a job at Duty Free (which would pay more, but would have harder hours, midnights and stuff) and picking up a waitressing job shouldn't be too difficult. I also dropped off my resume today for a position at town hall as a recreational coordinator. It's not likely that I'll get the position, but it's worth a try. In terms of money. The only place where I have assurance financially is Gan. Yes, I'll still have to pay rent at my Ottawa apartment all summer, but every student goes through that. I also wouldn't sublet likely, just because I would want it to still be MY apartment and use it as a getaway when I can't take Gan for one second longer.
The other thing, which almost broke my heart when Dad told me, is that if I don't come home, Dad is selling the Mustang. It's not blackmail, it's just logistics. 2 people and 3 cars doesn't make any sense. I only had one summer with that car, and while it is a summer of great memories (for the most part) I'm not ready to part with it. I tried to barter with Dad to have it for the summer but I even saw the huge weaknesses in my argument. Having a classic car in the city just doesn't make sense, I'd have to pay for insurance (which mom and dad would do if I was driving it in Gan), plus Parking in the city. If I had it in the city I would only be using it to travel to Gan, and the parking and insurance I would be paying, plus the likelihood of gas being close to a dollar this summer, just doesn't make it worth it. Plus, it wouldn't really be fair to give me a car in the city when Brooks has been there for so long and never had such an opportunity.
There is also the large loneliness factor in Ottawa. Evan's not sure he's staying. Kyle is going to super busy with classes/work/Robyn, so I just don't think there will ever really be anyone around. And I know I have lots of people I can call on in Ottawa; Richard, Andrew, Kelly, Anna, etc. but the fact of the matter is I'm still going to basically in the apartment all alone. In Gan, yeah I might be a little bit lonely, but it'll be a choice. I'll have the option to hop in my car and go see people; Lacy, Dumont, Jenn and Linds in Kingston, hell maybe even go meet up with Matt (Kennedy) for lunch every once and a while just to get out of my house. Ottawa has the freedom of being on my own, but Gan gives me the freedom of a car to get into anytime I need to get away. Me and Jenn can plan a road trip, I can run away to Charleston lake for the day with my book if I need to. Plus, in Gan I would be CRAZY busy. I could work at the tower (which is super relaxing and I miss a great deal) and I can pick up a second job somewhere else so I won't even be around 40-60 hours a week. I'm afraid of wasting away in the city in some crappy government job, whereas if I waste away in Gan it's no one's fault except myself. I can only blame myself.
One of the biggest things holding me back from going home to Gan is Mom. She's not working right now, which means she is ALWAYS home. That means the days off of lying by the pool quietly with a book are history. With her it's always some kind of crappy francophone or classical music blasting through the house, or a list of chores to do when I wake up in the morning. I realize if I live there for the summer I have to pull some weight but I don't know if I can handle her every time I have to spend time at my house. Last year I had the sanctuary of Cory's house. I could go there whenever, even if he wasn't there, (not that I did that often but still). There was always the option of hopping in my car and sleeping at Cory's just to get away. I don't really have that option this summer. Yeah sure I can drive to Kingston and go spend some time with Jenn, go catch a movie with someone, whatever, but I won't have that 2nd home option like I did before. I suppose in a way I do, because the option to run to Ottawa is there. But those excursions involve asking to take the car away for the weekend and permission to go on the 416 blah blah blah so it's lacks the spontaneousness of being able to run away from my house when I feel like the entire thing is going to implode on me. I think that's a big thing holding me back. Sure I could look at it as an opportunity to bond with my mom, blah blah blah but I just know we don't work that way. However, the prospect of having Dad around all summer is one that draws me home. I love my Daddy. So much. I have made so many good memories with him in the past while and maybe if I went home I could try and make a lot more. I won't be the little girl who can run home whenever I want for much longer. This whole mental crisis doesn't really have anything to do with the fact that I'm turning 20, but at the same time, it's kind of like, maybe I need to go back and have another crappy summer in Gan being a TEENAGER, a Townie, whatever just to get it out of my system before I have to buck up and face the world one on one with career, future, relationships etc. etc. Maybe that's what I need, one last summer of being the little girl from Gan.
So I dunno this is the crap that has been running through my head. Sure, there's a lot more. But I don't feel comepletly inclined to write it down. There's a lot of fears. Obvious fears about the crappy people who hate me/I hate back in Gan that I will have to face, the endless superficial gossip of that pitiful little town, the fear of having to face Cory is a definite prominent one in my mind. Though I don't really know why. He's written me out of his life and I'm sure he'll take every opportunity to avoid me. Plus he'll probably be too drunk to even notice if I was anywhere in relative proximity.
I tried to talk to Jay the other day about how I was feeling about everything. I turned to him I guess because I figured if there is anyone who could understand me AND know about my history with Gan it would be him. Boy was I wrong. I just felt like he was dishing out a cheap answer to get me off his back. I don't really blame him. The kid owes me nothing. And I realize after 3 years of my whining he really shouldn't be put through anymore of it. I guess I have the pinky-rose coloured vision of one day being able to pick up Jay in my car, go hang out for the day having a blast at the mall and go see a movie and just have fun as kick ass friends. But I know deep down that's not possible. I guess I just have to assume the deep respect I have goes both ways, and again, if it doesn't, I wouldn't blame him.
So I dunno. Here's where I'm at. Well actually, I'm at Fallowfield right now. The train just pulled out and we'll be pulling into the Ottawa station in about 10 minutes. So I better put away the lappy and get ready to haul my 400 pouns of luggage off the train. I brought home all my laundry (which I hadn't done since St. Patrick's day) and all my text books to study (which I didn't do much of?) so I haven't quite figured out how to handle that.
Anyways..tah tah....this entry doesn't likely make any sense. But this crap is more for me than you, whoever you are reading this. :P
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okay
good
sleepy
crushed
embarrassed
content
accomplished
thoughtful