| [ |
mood |
| |
neurotic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
U2 - With or Without You |
] |
If only the crap that runs through my head could be spontaneously written down as I thought it. That was be amazing. Incredibily insane to read... but incredible none the less.
I've mentioned it before, but I swear I am part of a generation daunted by series such as Sex and the City centralized on inner monologues... and I catch myself having those moments daily when I have monotonous time to think. Once I snap out of it, I'm like, "Wow.. that was kinda of cheesy-tv-show-like" but I'm not trying to be all poetic/dramatic...
Oh well, who wouldn't want to be Carrie Bradshaw sitting there in sexy undies writing up an amazing storm :)
Anyways... with all this weeding, and 5 hours bent over in the blistering sun, you have LOTS of time to think. Also, the added factor of the blazing sun hightens your neuroses and incapable poetic nature.
Basically, I think about alot of crap.
My mind wanders in every direction. For example, today, listening to some Joss Stone on the MP3 player, I started thinking about love, and all my bitterness towards it and relationships. I also assesed the times I had been "in love". I concluded I have genuinely been in love (by my definiton of love) twice, though unfortunatley I have said it many more times than that. Needless to say, I was in love with Jay. Possibly not as soon as we thought we were, but over that 3 year period I genuinely loved him, and was in love with him with every part of my being.
Than, I fucked it up.
Sadly, disgustingly, repulsively, I was also in love with Cory. Not so much the first time around. By estimation (and by his Mom's reports :P) HE was in love with ME the first time around... but I was too emotionally messed up to truly dive in. The second time, I was in love with HIM, though I don't think he felt the way he did the first time. Perhaps he wanted to, but definatley didnt. So were me and Cory in love? In our own messed up warped neurotic way, I think so. We struck chords in eachother that no one else really hit. There's a part deep inside of me that will always hold on to believe that person he was when he was with me IS who he IS... and that there is a greater good inside of him that has meerly faded away. We could scream at eachother, be mad, and still love the other. So yeah, maybe I'm deranged but I believe we were in love.
Interestingly, the two loves I've decide I have had... could not be more far from different. They are the extremes of each end of the spectrum of love. Soulmate to ... extreme opposites attracting. That sentence just doesn't seem to fit, but I guess what I am trying to say is, yeah, I've been in love twice... but one relationship could NOT be replaced by the other... Nothing could ever replace the place Jay has in my heart. Ever. He'll always be the person who taught me to really love someone else. He will always be the guy I measure other guys aganist. He is, in a way, everything I ever wanted... but high school and being a young stupid teenager (me) got in the way. Jay, always treated me like a princess. Jay gave me butterflies in my tummy, light headedness, and smiles that would last for months.
On the other hand, Cory, will always be the one guy who I felt was always 100% honest with me; never made me feel like princess... never made me feel liek anythign expect myself... and I appreciated the honesty and lightness of our relationship. It was what it was.. and nothing more. It wasn't magical, it wasn't fireworks and tingles, we were just two people who really loved being together.
All the other "loves"... weren't loves. I wasn't in love with them. Did I love them? Yes. What? Okay, what I am trying to say here is yeah, I loved those other guys because I cared about them, their well being, and everything about them sincerely and deeply. Would I of committed myself endlessly to any of them? No. Would my world shatter without them? No. Did they ultimatley change who I am? Somewhat, but not in the impacting way being in love does. All of those other relationships were something else. Infatuation. Fulfillment of lonliness (on both parts). Or just general appreciation for the other person mistaken for something greater. I don't disregard these guys, I just know that after the fact, I look back on it, and it just wasn't eveything I chalked it up to be when I was infatuated/involved with any of them.
I know this is a pretty crappy entry in some ways. And I feel pretty guilty pegging Jay and Cory in the same catagory. For obviously past circumstancial reasons, and because presently they couldn't be farther apart in terms of how I feel about them (deeply respecting one, and hoping the other would choke on his beer and die), however, that's just the way my messed up head has figured things out currently.
So that's something I think about. I also think about being 20. BEING 20. I had a massive chat about this with Matty, and a 9k neurotic e-mail sent to him one night during a minature panic attack about this topic. 20 is two things. SO YOUNG and SO ANCIENT. It is BOTH and it's not even really that much of a paradox. 20 is killer. You're in the midst of university, you're meeting so many different people almost everyday, partying with some awesome ones, and also learning a SHIT LOAD of cool info (if you're in a good program/your into whatever floats your boat). You're beautiful, hot, smart, and all that good stuff. The only thing, is it strikes you. WHAT IF THIS IS your prime? What if after this things start to fall off? Down hill? The other scary thing clicks "20 years, what have I accomplished?" You obviously start to make excuses "well... I can't really be held responsible for the first 5-8 years, as I was a child controlled by the system and my parents!" Then all the "ideals" you had crash down on you.
- If you have kids you want to have them before you are 26 because you don't want to be a 45 year old with a 15 year old or somthing like that.
- If you have kids, you want to be married when you do so.
- If you get married, you want to be engaged at least a year before you actually get married (possibly even longer... maybe a year before you start intensely planning the wedding)
--- However, stepping back a bit, you don't want to have kids until you and you're hubby have had some time to yourselves to settle into the marriage (a year or so at least)
- Before you get engaged.. you want to know the guy for at least 2 years and possibly have lived with him for a minimum of 6 months to know that you two can hack being together 24/7 and loving/hating eachother all at once.
- However, it should be duely noted that boys, guys, husbands--ie: whatever--, babies, engagments, weddings, etc. can not and will not affect or stunt the creation of your fabulous career as the most stellar teacher in the entire world.
- By extension, to become this stellar teacher, you want to obtain a solid job once you get out of school and establish a reputation for yourself with infield experience (typically 2-3 years).
When one tries to actually APPLY this formula in any way shape or form. You realize that, you must meet the guy of your dreams SOON if not tomorrow morning, get married almost instantly after your first 2-3 years of teaching, and boom... to keep the timing right, you have to pop out that kid (or two) right then if you want it.
And thinking about all THAT in the blazing sun makes you crazy! It also makes you crazily sane enough to realize you have to TOSS the whole formula out the window. You have to realize that finding "THE GUY" is a western creation and I could devote my life to being a single happy woman living in hawaii teaching at a local school and having numerous affairs with hottie surfers if I wanted to :). You realize it's all YOUR CHOICE, and that you don't get everything you want, and that what IS SUPREMELY important to you will happen because you won't compromise yourself on it, and the things that you would like to be a certain way, WILL get compromised to make those bigger great things happen. All this.. just to discover the HOPE and POSSIBILITY of happiness.
Tah Dah. That's what 5 hours in the sun every single day will do to you.
Onto bigger happier things.
CANADA DAY WEEKEND IN OTTAWA BABY! WOOOOP!! Can't believe I have it off work! WoOOOOoooOoOOOT! Going to part with boys on MacLearn, beer with Jenny (if that crazy girl isn't in Calgary.. her MSN name confused me), pop in on Kelly, swing by to see Greg, and many others! YEAHHHH!!! :) It will be good times :)
Also, Matty came to Kingston last weekend. SOOOO funny. On monday (yesterday) he swung by my house for a swing before he headed to Ottawa (on his way through). Well he had Nikki with him who didn't take to Dylan to well, spontaneously LEAPED into my pool (when we just installed a new liner... mom was insanely afraid, but he didn't tear it thank God), and also tried to attack an entire herd of cows. It was definatley eventful, with Nikki being the star of the show. SOOOOOO funny. Other than that; Incredibles, swimming, at Andrews, Wendy's out at the Kingston Locks, considering a free Drive In Movie, and forcing him to watch MANY episode of Will and Grace :). Also took him to the tower and the island to see my two places of employment. WOOOP! :)
I'm weeding again tomorrow. SOOO don't want to. But will. It's good pay and horrible work.
WELLL... I say GOOD DAY! :)
|
contemplative
accomplished
complacent
depressed
cheerful
tired
blah
bitchy
awake