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Saturday, June 4th, 2005
9:19 am - no more high school
so i have survived. I graduated a week ago and it feels bizarre. Im not even sure of what to do with myself. I kno i need to work on getting a job if i want to do that apartment thing with denisa. She is such an awesome friend. I feel alot better after chillin with her on thursday.Why is it that men make us so crazy to where we have to cuddle up on a couch with chinese food and your best girlfriend to feel better? Are the ones we love the hardest even worth it? Half the time i dont think so but then when i look in to daves eyes and i see him at his most vunerable moment, i think to myself and i say you know what...fuck it because he is worth lovin. It is so hard to let those guys go(the ones you love like that)you build a bond and it may bend a bit but it can never break.(just like you and brendan, alexa)

On to bigger and better things, i am learning how to drive. It is beyond scary and i love it. the scarier thing is my mom is now helping me with getting behind the wheel.

not much else to add... oh yeah star wars Episode 3 rox!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: content
current music: Behind These Hazel Eyes-Kelly Clarkson

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Saturday, May 21st, 2005
9:11 am - is it the weekend????
Okay so i am out of school now. It is beyond weird. personally i dont know whether to be happy or sad. All in all I'm glad to be graduating. I got sooo sick of that fuckin prison camp.(it is so embarassing to have your school on national news b/c of some yearbook pic)

So davie is home. i saw him last nite and that was ehhh, honestly it was okay til he got ahold of my yearbook. I dont like those guys. i was screwed up in my head and i didnt kno what i wanted. I have tried apologizing but it cant fix it. this is the 2nd time ive turned my back on him. I kno i am not perfect but i do love him. I just want my baby back.

current mood: blah
current music: Love me when I am Gone-3 Doors Down

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Saturday, May 14th, 2005
9:17 am - here we go round again
I think i need to stop talking to dave.(i cant believe i am saying that) I miss him so much but i cannot handle him treating me like a friend then like an enemy. Ive broken the phone b/c he makes me so freakin mad. I wish he could just forgive me and let the past die. He had the audacity to say that i am not over Mark. BS, just cuz i got all worked up the fact that he wanted me to talk to him to prove i havent been talkin to him does not mean i am hiding something.

I cannot believe that i am out of school in one week. I cant function there anymore. Im always caught up in the reverie about my fishy. ....
Im glad i heard from alexa. it felt good to be on a communication basis with her. i miss hanging with her. i hope i'll get to see her this summer.

current mood: frustrated
current music: Tomorrow-Lillix

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Monday, May 9th, 2005
6:06 pm - Its been awahile
Where the hell have i been? My life has been on one dramatic rollercoaster. I had the guy of my dreams and i lost him because i am fucking stupid. I miss davie so much. This is what i get for lying my way out of everything. What the hell was i thinking playing him like that. I am so selfish and i lied because i wanted to keep my life a secret b/c i got scared that he wouldnt love me after he found out what a mess my world has been outside of him. School is almost out and i am really freaked. I am about to graduate high school and i really do not know how to handle it. Ive got 7 days left and i am offically a college girl. Im no good for the likes of FAU still it is college. I wish dave would come home from rehab. I need to be with him. I love him so fuckin much and after all the false promises i made to change, i am now ready to do so. I'll be 19 in exactly 3 months and i still act as immature as i did at 16. the only difference is i was tactful enough to keep the biggest secret of all and i dont regret it one bit. I miss alexa and all my other friends. I shunned everyone out of my life for so many reasons and i wish i had never done it. I didnt want controversy or rumors to be spread on both sides of the coin. lets face it, i lost big time. im dealing with this breakup and this mess with dave all by myself. My mom has totally become self absorbed with lenny and now i am stuck with my grandmother. I really need to fix myself and get my priorities straight. worst of all i have to grow up and act right or i will never see dave again.

current mood: sad
current music: How Many times Can I say I am Sorry- Phil collins

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Sunday, September 19th, 2004
2:00 pm - what goes around....definately comes back ten times cooler
so this whole hurricane crap brought out a blessing in disguise. I ended up going with davie during the storm cuz i REALLY did not feel like staying near the ocean during that crazy storm. so basically as of 11 AM on sept 2 i have been living with davie. I will tell u it is not as bad as i could have ever expected it. Thankfully my mom is totally cool with him and i dating altho i really do not think she is entirely processing the fact that he and i r a couple. or she just doesnt kno how to take it.

honestly i luv being this serious with him. nmeta so late

current mood: ecstatic
current music: all my life- KC and Jojo

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Saturday, August 28th, 2004
9:10 am
Well it has been sooo long since i have written. Lets see. Im back in school now(HELL YEA IM A SENIOR)im luvin it. so far this yr is off to a good start. It gets easier as u get thru the time spent in school.

So what else has been going on?.....hmm well davie and i are OFFICALLY dating(holy crap i am sooo fuckin happy i mean u have NO idea how long i have been waiting for this)i MEAN a few people (that do know) are making a stink or are not happy ( i kno lex, but once u get to kno him he is not awful like u think he is) I really have stopped caring what other people(besides davie)think. Im 18 now and i can date who i want. Ive loved him uncoditionally for soooo long that this feels right. Granted there is an obscure age difference but it feels normal b/c we can relate so well. Hes my best friend first and foremost and thats what has kept me here for so long. GRANTED we did have to start over at square one partly b/c i fucked up(due to my lack of communication b/c im a coward sometimes)and b/c of the whole how this is appearing to my mom. Unknowingly she has allowed me to go on dates with him. We tell her we are going fishing(which is the truth except for us it IS a date )

I am sooo overloaded with work from school. Thats what i get for taking all advanced classes. Truthfully i luv it, it keeps my ass in check and ive got more ulterior motives to stay focused than u can imagine.

current mood: rejuvenated
current music: Lovergirl - Teena Marie

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Wednesday, June 23rd, 2004
9:17 am
Its been a freakin while since ive updated. Oh yeah i went to my dads all last week. That was an adventure. To make it even crazier, I was skateboarding(what am I, Avril Fricking Lavigne LOL) SO ive been home for 4 days and it has been wild out completely.

Well first the good news.....Davie is home(like neighborhood home. where all the crazy trouble began) so i have been running around with him since monday.(hahahahaha tommy see i am getting my frustrations worked out )mon we mellowed out, running errands until my mom called me and started shit with me b/c i do NOT want to get a summer job(man fuck work)and i lost my fuse to where i threw my phone on to the dashboard of davies car. That wouldve been all good and fine except it ricocheted and seriously cracked his windshield(as if i wasnt crying hard enough)i love how he is making me pay for it tho lol. Then yesterday he and i went snorkeling for like 2 hours.( i am zonked from that adventure) Im sooooooo glad to have him back home. Ive been in a better mood now that he is around.

So onward to trouble....ie tommy LMAO. He is crazy beyond belief, how can i stand being friends with him. but he is cool and completely adorable so he makes up for his goofiness.

Well i spent sunday w/ Lexi. Girl u R a true friend! i luv ya for it!!!!!!! My crazy rela too, oy vay. And i swore i would stay out of trouble this summer. hahahahaha

current mood: giddy
current music: This is How You Remind Me - Nickelback

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Tuesday, June 8th, 2004
9:21 am - hmmmmmmm
Well its tuesday but it feels like a monday. Gads...i am sooo confused. See this is what i get for getting piss ass drunk yesterday. I think it was a good idea that alex had me come over.
Oh about that. Well, i never thought in a million years that i would ever fall for alex (not penishead, alexa)(such irony that they both have the same name)its funny ive known the guy for over 4 years, ive been his neighbor for about 2 of those years. we havent really talked all that much, but we were friends way back when and as of yesterday i was making out with him? How the hell does that happen? i think it was the 3 screwdrivers and that shot of vodka that i had. But he is fun(is that the right word to use)i never realized that after all this time that he liked me like that. i mean i used to like him and now do i still...im not sure but this summer will make it worth finding out.
So anyways...i got an email from ryan(?)wow that was strange. but then again hes been in south and central america so i can understand why it has taken so long. (omg he was hot-i know lex u didnt like him or my behavior that night)
Speaking of bad behavior....alex(penishead)was a prick this morning. Where the fuck does he get off telling me how to type. and i quote dandprincess: why r u up so early?
TGCid2: I told you not to talk like that
HOW RUDE!!!!!! fucking asshole. he says that to me one more time and i will have davie kick his ass considering davie hates him as it is. dont fuck with the master of disaster alex boy.
Tommy and i have been up to our usual array of shit(meaning that i bump into him every so often but he gives me constant hell on the phone-which i actually like)

current mood: content
current music: 40 Oz. to Freedom- Sublime

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Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
9:18 am - Vacation...all i ever wanted
It's summer vacation....that's scary. I've been home for less than a week and i am already bored. That's what i get for good behavior. See i HATE behaving, it's soooo hard if you are attracted to dysfunction like i am.

Speaking of dysfunction, the last week has been maddening. Up until 2 AM davie would not speak to me. He was on some attitude problem over that whole incident with tommy(apparently he wasn't done with acting like a baby) So i spent the week in tears and depression b/c i thought that he and i were thru for good and it was a sickening thought. Then he called me this morning and if i do say so myself i was a bit of a bitch only b/c i had NO idea where he was going with that whole conversation. Once i relaxed on him, he and i had a decent chat about absolutely nothing(go figure we just talk shit all the time)
To top of dysfunction.....SCOTT was in town for the weekend, he and i got crazy together but i am glad i did behave with him. There is way TOO MUCH sexual tension there. Then of course it only got worse when i met Mike. OMG he is soooooo hot but complete trouble for me. When am i ever going to learn?

current mood: mischievous
current music: Our Lips Are Sealed- Go-Gos

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Wednesday, May 26th, 2004
5:41 pm - WOW...6 hours to go
So here i am, 2 days of school left. Omg it is great. I cannot wait for summer vacation.(look out....heather is on the loose-best said by scott).

So anyways...I did my drama final today. The details that inline it are i went up and did a musical/dance numer to Whitney Houston's I'M YOUR BABY TONIGHT. That was unbelieveable, probably the scariest yet most daring thing i have done. I got a lot of compliments b/c noone expected that one. I did threaten Mariah Carey but my vocal chords are too shot.

Enough about finals....Memorial weekend just around the corner. kickass party happenin too(i got invited to a few of them i believe)Im going to only one of them tho just to see my scottie, who i haven't seen in 6 months.(thats what i get for being friends with someone who lives on the opposite coast of this "great" state). I'm almost half-tempted to call joey and ask him to come along(good god whats wrong with me.......I NEED HELP)i think i may like him some but i am not sure really anymore. I had the BIGGEST crush on him back in 9th grade but who knows now, jus gonna take my time.

So I fucked up big time on sunday, well according to davie i did but fuck it. He got seriously PISSED when Tommy called me while we were hanging out.(good grief)Davie took it way too personally. But i talked it over with him and i think he is done with being a big baby. Tommy, on the other hand got a laugh out of it. I saw him yesterday at the beach.....LMFAO!!!!!!!!---- nuff said! Nothing happened but i do KNOW he enjoyed that bikini i had on.(that was a rare appearance)but it was cool chillin with him by the tower for a few hours.

Ok...nuff drama. I got my badass mix CD(the one that has Whitney Houston on it)That Cd has been played nonstop. It is so awesome. I mean Billy Joel, Nirvana, Mike and the Mechanics........nuff said! LOL.

current mood: excited
current music: I Go To Extremes-Billy Joel

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Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
6:01 pm - breathe again
Om man, 7 days left and i am free for the summer. Not sure what i am doing yet(or who for that matter, LOL)I may beach it the entire summer or hang with either davie or Ivan since Tommy will be in school(poor thing)

*Yawn, thats it, i need to quit going out til all hours of the night. Granted i was out from 11:30 til 1 and it isnt THAT late but i was dead by the time i got off the phone with Ivan at 1:30. See i need to hide from Andrew for awhile, he's a bad influence.(plus all he wants to do is have sex and it bothers the hell out of him that i won't put out. But whatever) I miss Davie more than anything right now. He and i have been on the phone with each other all week but its not enough. I miss those sexy blue eyes and that silly smile of his.( i need to get over him but i cant cuz im in luv)Now Tommy is another issue, he makes me go gaga and get senseless but i dig it completely.

So anyways i have been hanging out(minding my own business i may add)when my friend Goldie fills me in that she knows one of my former best friends(only FORMER b/c we lost contact for six years)Now i have known Danni for 14 years so this is too cool that she and i have been reconnected. I am going to love hanging with her and getting caught up on lost time.

current mood: accomplished
current music: Water Runs Dry-Boys 2 Men

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Saturday, May 15th, 2004
9:28 am - Its sleepy Saturday
Yawn, what the hell am i doing up so early? Oh Yeah i'm online go figure! So anyways.....I am bored with school. (2 weeks left thank goodness)I cannot believe how fast this year went by. It's almost disgusting.

So i have been running around like a mad woman for the past few days and i love it. Mostly hanging with Andrew. I love that sleepy town i live in better known as the "fruit loop" Saw Ivan yesterday. He and i hung at the beach for a few hours. Talked to davie, he's feeling halfway better. Tommy called me at like 11 last nite, good grief.(he's lucky i wasnt asleep yet)James and i have managed to have a few decent convos lately. Which kicks butt. Then there is good ol scott, i cant wait to disappear of to Tampa to see him(i may not come back)

current mood: amused
current music: Everybody's Fool-Evanescence

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Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
6:11 pm - 10 days left.....
okay so far this school year has been maddening. But it has rocked completely. (holy crap...im a freaking senior as of friday of next week)i can't believe its almost done, i can barely imagine what elation i will feel next May when i come up on graduation. ---Right now i am prepping for finals and for the SATs(i feel sick thinking about it)i was bad on monday. i went to school for an hour then dipped out with ariella when she left after first period(that was my first time skipping and it kicked butt-must be done-thank god my mom wasnt home LMAO)

Okay so i was in Cape Canaveral last friday and it kicked ass(my first trip)omg i cannot wait til i can start working there(guarantee i will be on that mission to Mars in 2019)I just totally felt at home up there. LOL it would be sooo cool if i went to school up there the same time Tommy moves up there.

on to my favorite guys(i need a new hobby)Well trouble is being sick trouble(im worried as usual[he may have to have surgery but i dont want to jinx myself on that])Been hanging with Tommy on and off(not really anymore cause he just started Paramedic school)Ivan and i r kinda seeing each other, which is cool. Then there is James...my fall, my absolutely positively new playtoy(turning 18 will feel sooo good)I havent heard from Ryan or Scott lately.....hmmmm. screw it.

current mood: excited
current music: Thriller-Michael Jackson

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Saturday, May 1st, 2004
9:10 am - Like going crazy
well its the weekend again, jeez how the hell did i survive this week. It's i woke up five days ago and it was monday and now its saturday, i mean come on. LOL

Okay so i had a relatively slow week except for Thursday night(uh-oh) I did start my evening alone slowly, only with any big plans to babysit. Then of course i had to get off early(like 7)and i had NOTHING to do. Thank god for Ivan. He was on his way back from Miami when he called me....so long story short, he came over and we went out. then we chilled at my house til like a quarter to 1 am(good grief-LOL)

Who'd ever think that i could have a boring Friday night. The only constructive thing i did was hang out with Peter since Davie and Tommy both went to Sunfest without me(thankfully those 2 didnt go together since they dont kno each other)but still it really bugged me cause i really wanted to go. Then of course there is the Air and Sea show this weekend and who is going, nonother than Ivan but the sick thing is i cant go with him cause there is NO WAY in hell that i am going to make him drive all the way back up from Miami just to take me to see airplanes.(how fucked up is this-the guy lives in Wellington but spends more time in Miami than ever concievible, LOL)

current mood: groggy
current music: Kokomo-Beach Boys

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Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
6:42 pm - Like dude!!!!
ok so its wed and i am swamped with work. dammit thats what i get for missing a week of school, but it was worth every minute i spent home.

so i went out with Ivan on monday, i talk to him like 3 times a day on the phone-this is insanity, but I LIKE IT !!!!!
Then there is Tommy boy, my fave love toy. he and i need to get together and chill. i mean there is no way around it, it is a MUST
I wonder what fish is doing. that crazy trouble maker is so preoccupied with work it makes me nuts. I wish he'd get around to calling me for a change.
Not much else to add except i am sooo fucking bored and i am trying to cheer up my homegirl Denisa but she is making it DIFFICULT(women these days LOL)

current mood: silly
current music: Galileo-Indigo Girls

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Saturday, April 24th, 2004
9:16 am - Roll with it baby
So here it is saturday and i am short of anything with anything constructive to do. Since i havent been to school i have loafed about doing nothing at all, til thurs nite.
So Ivan got this crazy idea to pick me up and take me out for a while. It certainly was a good idea since he is sooooo much fun to hang with. Then he had to do it, he had to go and kiss me. I was OMG. It threw me off balance, thats how much i liked it. So does that mean he and i r dating....ummm i dont know.(i dont want a b/f)
However there is good ol' Tommy boy. He screwed up last night big time. i am shocked that i have forgiven him.he took it upon himself to call me when he was hammered and it got ugly then he passed out and then called me back. Boy did i let him have it (i didnt yell cuz i was already crying-he felt like shit for that)but i did tell him everything he said then i called him an asshole(CLASSIC)He feels terrible that he made me and i quote "shed a tear" LMAO
So davie has been unusually attentive to me. It is scar, but i like it! He hasnt called me this much in quite awhile.

Ok on to bigger things. I finally talked to this guy in my neighborhood who i have been crushin on forever. that rocked. and i met another guy named james(i kno alexa-we so totally need to find u a guy-hell i have 7)he is actually working on a movie in the neighborhood as well which brings me to the ultimate good news......I MET CAMERON DIAZ!!!!!!! HOLY SHITG I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT HAPPENED-bullshit it is not. ask anyone hahahahahahahahhahahahh

current mood: chipper
current music: I'm your baby tonight-Whitney Houston

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Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
6:14 pm - Partying hard
OMG, this weekend was the freaking bomb!!!! No holds barred i had FUN(hard to believe but true) Where do i start....well lets begin with Sat since nothing constructive happened before then.
i went out with alexa. We just sorta chilled. Sunday i went out with a guy named Ivan(its a spanish thing, lets not go there)he and i have talked before but this time we went out for dinner and a few drinks and just shot the shit around(hopefully i will see more of him) Then of course there was monday nite(now keep in mind i was TOTALLY unsupervised-this only happens once in a blue moon)Now davie decided to surprise me and picked me up for a few hours.(hell YES, I FEEL A WHOLE LOT BETTER) Of course there is good ol' Tommy(i am going to miss hanging with him when he starts Paramedic school in 9 days)So he and i definately need to either go for a ride on his Harley or hit the sack together(he keeps boasting so i want to see if he is FOR REAL)i seriously could settle for both. (im a freakin baller-HELL YEA) So today is Wed, LOL. I haven't been to school all week and it is definately piising my mom off( i sorta cant go because of an allergic reaction) So thats all there is to share for now

current mood: energetic
current music: Burn- Usher

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Wednesday, April 14th, 2004
6:08 pm - Higher than the Heavens above
i feel good/i feel nice/i never felt so satisfied/i'm in love/i'm alive?intoxicating/flying high////// omg i am in such a high flyin mood. Lovesick some people call it, i call it happy! I havent felt this good since i met alex or told davie that i loved him. (hell even sex didnt have this effect on me)
*lights cigarette*ok so Monday night a very buzzed heather went to the movies with tommy.(lol)*inhales smoke and slowly exhales* The movie was good, hanging with tommy was much more fun. *puts cigarette in ashtray* Ok do u know what it is like trying to watch a movie after u have had a few drinks, omg it is a trip, actually *puts cigarette back in mouth*i was very fidgety like i am right now. He got a laugh out of a drunk heather for i am never like that b/c i cant hold my liqour to save my life. *puts cigarette out*

I'm trying to do myself a favor and start being brutally honest but so far it is not working b/c all i do is lie to myself even more. I need to find a guy that will actually be straight with me.

Now on monday as well, a friend of mine(lex u will die for his name is james)gave me a hug like he always does before we go to our respective first period classes and told me that "it is sooo hard to not kiss me" i mean i could have died. that is the coolest thing he has said to me since i have liked the guy since 9th grade.

current mood: loved
current music: Emotions-Mariah Carey

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Saturday, April 10th, 2004
10:42 am - Its Saturday....YEAH!!!!!
ok this has been a strange start to a weekend. I had yesterday off from school so i lounged around aimlessly. Then of course i had to work so when i got home i was beat. Now today I have to enjoy myself cause lets face it, after thursday i NEED to relax.(i dont think it was a good idea to almost get into those 2 fights that i BARELY escaped) So Tommy is in Cocoa Beach this weekend:( i miss him already LOL. He rox!!!! Trouble on the other hand is being a pain in the ass.(i dont kno how it is sooo possible to dispise someone u love so dearly.*shrugs)
Tomorrow is Easter. I am SOL on any plans cause all my friends r away(hey maybe alexa will be around....COOL) I am such a procrastinator. I need to sit down some day this week and fill out my SAT apps before its too late(its bad enough im taking them June 5th)

current mood: artistic
current music: The Reason - Hoobastank

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Thursday, April 8th, 2004
1:58 pm
this has been a BAD week. you know suicide is looking mighty fun right about now. I seriously have had it with this shit. Ah fuck it who am I kidding. You kno things r bad if u r the butt of EVERYONE'S jokes and harrassment. I really have had it.
If only Trouble would get his act together maybe i'd want to keep on living, other than that it seems pointless.
What the fuck am i saying. I am far from a quitter, im just having a shitty week

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