Blurty for whiskey dream.
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| Friday, May 20th, 2005 |
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my feelings kept seesawing over the past three or four days... i haven't been updating recently. out of sheer laziness i guess. but i also feel that there will be things that i simply won't forget. like my recent "level-up" in understanding how i get into the shit (read: man/boy dilemmas better left unblogged) i get into without realizing how much i non-participated in them but end up all mushy-gooey-shitty. in any case, i feel grateful. to God. to the universe. to me. i feel like i owe it to myself to at least be happy because i try to live a life. my life. and i've seen/heard/participated in a bunch of stuff that has again made me thankful to be who i am and what i am. case in point, i just recently saw beyond borders starring angelina jolie and clive owen. the movie so incredibly sucks because it was simply a bad love story masquerading as a film dedicated to refugees and all the victims of war but a scene caught my eye. it was the one where a young African boy was on all fours in the desert sand while he faced a vulture waiting for him to die. they were basically just staring into each other's eyes. while i do not want other people's miseries to be my ticket to finding my own happiness, i felt rather--- not happy--- but kinda relieved. or perhaps thankful. because i could just as easily have been born into that life. into that awareness. my soul in that body. that body suffering from starvation, the heat and any number of diseases. but someone decreed, the universe decided, that i get this life. i may not have all the luxuries "awarded" to other lives but i can't deny the comforts i have, the skills acquired, a bit of intelligence, a roof over my head, food, friendships that allow me to talk and talk and talk and talk (and better yet the same friendships that allow me to be silent), a dysfunctional family that nevertheless loves me and the only vultures waiting for my death are the ones i make in my head. and while it isn't a luxurious life, it's one that any number of people would be happy to have. so i can't see why i shouldn't be. or at least trying to be happy with it. but i realize that i am. i love my life and i'm glad for what i've done with it and i'm thankful for what i can still do with it. and i'm glad that in some ways love defines it and goals give it structure. it's a good day to be alive. but for some reason, i feel incredibly sad. depressed. i want it to go away. +/ |
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Blurty for whiskey dream.
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