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Blurty for whiskey dream.
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| Wednesday, March 9th, 2005 |
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i didn't renew my contract with the network. i will be officially unemployed in a month's time. there's an "oh shit!" and a "yeyeyeyeyeyeyey!" in there somewhere. *deep breath* *really, really, really deep breath* what the fuck did i just do? +? ps pls let this be the right thing to have done. +/ |
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| Sunday, March 6th, 2005 |
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i feel like crying. it's a good thing shoemucker and punchdrunkslob have words of comfort to offer because I AM FUCKING TRAPPED IN CEBU on a goddamn wild goose chase for fucking heartwarming stories related to danggit (fucking dried fish!?!). yeah, don't even ask. to be here for the first time because of lame story assignments is so crappy. i want out. i wanna go home. i soooooo wanna go home. i called my mom on my brother's mobile a few hours ago. everybody was home watching tv. rarely are all my brothers in one room and i couldn't even be fucking there. they kept on asking me when i'll be home. shommy, especially, because he wants to consult me on something daw. i smell a love-issue/problem here. i miss my mom. my dad. my brothers. i miss my brothers the most. they sounded happy that i finally called home. they were expecting me to be home tonight. =========== anyway, it's just that i am so close to tears from the mental exhaustion. cebu is pretty and the people are nice but i can't get anything out of these people because dili man ako makasabot o makasolte ng cebuano. (i can't understand or speak cebuano.) and we weren't exactly given the budget to hire an interpreter. i have to make fucking do with my service driver who gets in the way more than he helps because is soooo fucking overly enthusiastic. and unlike a real interpreter or a segment producer (were we able to understand the language) he thinks it's ok if my interviewees answer with a yes or no to my questions. can you imagine the goddamn soundbites i'll have. and in cebuano to boot. i know he's just trying to help. BUT GOD!!! let this nightmare end please. i don't even want to THINK of the editing. ======= and i had interviews with two faith healers. one of them claims to be alternately overcome by the spirits of the sto. nino, the black nazarene and the holy virgin mary. every tuesday and friday she conducts healing sessions. she had costumes made for each one because before each session she has to wear the appropriate frock because one or the other will whisper that he/she/it(?) will be taking over her body and therefore the right clothing must be worn. uhm... yeah.... and oh, they wouldn't let me into there chapel the first day i went there to conduct a pre-interview... because i was wearing pants. they said all girls that go into the chapel must wear a skirt because those that don't faint. i tempted to go back the following day in my short denim mini. but i left it at home. my researcher and i bought a skirt. but he wouldn't even let me look at the the short ones. though he was kind enough not to make me buy the "point-me-to-prayer-meeting/bible-study" and the second faith healer? well, he's this old guy who claims to be able to heal people--- as long as this egg he chose from a lot of chicken eggs laid early in the morning remains balanced on a the broken half of a chinese bowl. so there. real worthwhile stories, eh? later. my fucking job beckons. AGAIN!!! +/ |
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| Tuesday, March 1st, 2005 |
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a few oscar notes: * thanks sydney for acknowledging kurosawa. * i love the set. all that video wall. pati sahig. antaray! * pero why the fuck where there no soundbites from the short feature and animated films nominated? that sucked. * i don't like halle berry that much but she was fuckin' gorgeous in that dress. and yeah, that hair! * and natalie portman's dress kinda gave me this feeling like she was saying--- "no, i'm not mentioning that episode 3 will be out soon but this dress came off the set." hehehe. but she was pretty as always. * i hated hillary swank's dress from the front. but nice back! * funny opening spiels. * i cried at jamie foxx's acceptance speech. that was sweet. * robin williams was great. i love that bit about elmer fudd being in a streetcar named desire. "stewwa..." * i wonder if it's become some kind of "running joke" for scorcese not to win while everybody else on his team does. * johnny depp. *sigh* +) |
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too-lazy-to-cut-and-paste-from-lj-me. ( and now.... ) ( shooting straight up.... for now. ) ---------------- reminders: - stop before it gets to outta hand. - write them down, silly grrl!!! - stop thinking. stop procrastinating. do them to get them done. ayun. +) |
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| Monday, February 21st, 2005 |
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i feel incredibly determined today. there's a strange calm surrounding me. i think i'm happy. i'm actually happy? this is weird-ass shit! ======= i'm shooting an AVP for a major brand of shampoo later today. please God, let the model/talent have a semblance of intelligence so we can shoot the spiels fast. getting home and getting some real sleep would be very nice. ======= i love being productive. +) |
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| Thursday, February 10th, 2005 |
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from punchdrunkslob. random 10 (i alternately listen to these songs and the like right now.) take the "A" train * duke ellington and ella fitzgerald some song from acoustic alchemy that was supposedly played by * slash twisted (i think is the title, forced on me by my bro but it's great) * j. pastorius and joni mitchell i hope you dance * leann womack last dance * donna summer mouth * merril bainbridge if you could read my mind * j. enriquez (so shoot me!) galileo * indigo girls cowgirl in the sand * neil young god can explain * splender how you remind me * nickelback >>>>>>>>>> 1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer? uhmmm.... i didn't even know you can check for that. 2. The last CD you bought is: i bought Gold Medal (The Donnas) a few weeks ago. 3. What is the last song you listened to before this message: the sundays cover of the rolling stones' wild horses 4. Write down five songs you listen to a lot or mean a lot to you: two of us * beatles (i want that kind of relationship.) try * blue rodeo (someone felt this way about me. and sometimes i want it to be true.) so unsexy * alanis (i know what she means.) theme song from punky bruister (nostalgia. and the lyrics) tell me why * neil young ("I am lonely but you can free me all in the way that you smile....") 5. Who are you gonna pass this stick to? (3 persons and why)  weenie_beeniesunshinysarcasmanorthernsoul+) |
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| Monday, January 24th, 2005 |
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i had nothing better to do so i took this quiz. it feels like i'm violating sacred ground. especially with this result. ( i thought i'd 'pass'. ) +) |
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| Saturday, January 22nd, 2005 |
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it seems it takes very little to make a day , an actually good day. *sigh* yesterday was such a day. i spent most of the afternoon with my godchild, sam. she'll be 6 months old in a few days. she's chinky-eyed and has a reddish pale complexion. heavy as hell, that child (almost 8 kilos). and God, was she frisky! she was doing acrobatics while i was holding her. she kept on investigating her surroundings and people at the gonuts donuts araneta branch and people in turn were looking at her. as usual i could hear people saying, "ang cute nung baby...." i'm glad her mom (one of my closest buddies from my cinema one days) had to get something elsewhere, else we would again be arguing, under our breaths, the merits of making complete strangers dab a bit if their saliva over her belly/forehead/legs or feet to prevent usog.( i think it's an utterly stupid idea. ) then there was cardio-kickboxing class. it's becoming apparent that i find joy in physical pain. and phil the instructor thinks it's motivating to shout, "let it burn ladies, let it burn! feel the pain in your limbs. hold it at that! and we make another round. and faster! and we double time!" well, maybe it is. but at the extreme moments of pain i wanna kick his ass. or collapse. (and apparently it's rude to watch boys dress up through the glass in the men's locker room door.) mentholated steam afterwards. yeah!!! as a day-ender, my office/gymmate and i had dinner and watched white noise. can you say crap? but ok, it wasn't so bad that it actually ruined my day. it just that he movie dragged in some places---- like at the start, the middle and towards the end. and whatever happened to research? the message was like: try EVP and you might run into some really bad-ass elements. and that was about it. so basically, most everybody dies. =================== anyway, i can't believe that i'm already up by 740 am. but i am. and today feels like it just might be a good day as well. i hope i'm right. +) |
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| Wednesday, January 19th, 2005 |
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last 17 jan 2005, monday 1030am #1 my favorite aunt is leaving the country. i never realized how sad that would make me feel until i woke up last monday morning and read my first text message for the day: i'm leaving on thursday (though *deep breath* she just told me a few minutes ago that her flight was moved to feb 6). straight forward with no frills. much like her. she's the kind of person that doesn't really appreciate glitz. she wears jeans and shirts to most of the places she goes to. she never got married. she's good with people, kids especially. she was the one who taught me how to read, made me watch sesame street, made mud clay figures in the drizzle with me, made wooden boats with leaf sails and accompanied me to the once-clean creek at the back of our house to sail them downriver. she's the aunt who helps me clean my room (even til now when i can't stand the mess anymore). we've argued over the years. the first slap i ever got growing up was from her.... and in retrospect, i pretty much deserved it. (i was the classic demon teen daughter/niece/sister.) she found my pregnancy test (negative ok?) and sat me down and talked to me about it. no judgment. just concern. i lied through my teeth. we've talked until the wee hours about the most mundane things, about our dysfunctional family, aging parents, grandparents, my crushes (minus any torrid details), why i stopped going to church, ( why she gave up her life for us.... ) last 17 jan 2005, monday 300pm #2 cost-cutting? my boss doesn't like me. there is a danger there. but i'd rather not jump the gun. but there was a solid statement said. i don't even want to think about it. i just hate her so much right now. too many of us trusted her but apparently she has no empathy, no understanding of what is happening to her group. i'm not asking for a friendship or even friendliness here. i'm asking for guts, for leadership. we're not just email addresses or such. stop sending us emails and posting goddamn memos on the wall. ( tell us!!! ) last 17 jan 2005, monday late pm #3 How You Remind Me Never made it as a wise man I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing Tired of living like a blind man I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling And this is how you remind me This is how you remind me Of what I really am This is how you remind me Of what I really am It's not like you to say sorry I was waiting on a different story This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking and I've been wrong, i've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle these five words in my head scream "are we having fun yet?" yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no it's not like you didn't know that I said I love you and I swear I still do And it must have been so bad Cause living with me must have damn near killed you And this is how, you remind me Of what I really am This is how, you remind me Of what I really am --------------------------------- i always read the cards wrong. +) |
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| Thursday, January 13th, 2005 |
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how long till my soul gets it right can any human being ever reach that kind of light i call on the resting soul of galileo king of night vision, king of insight i think the indigo girls were on to something when they wrote this. ================ i didn't get any sleep last night. well maybe two hours of restless tossing and turning. =================== i was rummaging through my wallet and i realized that i had hand-written lyrics of the song "someone to watch over me" given to me by one of my closest buddies in college. she wrote these words at the bottom: alam ko pangit sulat ko, pero wag ha. dapat pag 50 na tayo, living our munting pangarap, mapakita mo pa rin 'to sa 'kin. mahal kita, arah" i had to laugh at the "munting pangarap" (little dream) bit. see, in college there were three of us who was real tight back then and i guess, even now. we were little bitches-in-the-making and we scared alot of the applicants to our org. anyway, we made this pact that if we ever find ourselves in our 50's and we're not married, that we would buy an old house somewhere and live together. we thought it would work out great because one of us was bound to be an alcoholic (that would be arah) because it was her personal goal to raise her alcohol tolerance to the grandest heights (something like downing a whole case of beer but still being able to stand without puking), and rach was bound to have lung cancer (knock on wood!) because arah and i would always try to quit and make promises to quit smoking and she'd be like "bakit? ang sarap-sarap magyosi e." we had to agree, of course. and i, they agreed, would be the lunatic.... with leaves in my hair while talking and singing to myself because.... well? i seem to have forgotten why i was the designated loony. (mental note: text either one for answers.) anyway, arah has quit smoking. rach doesn't drink too much (and she's happily married).... and i? i think i'm still the designated loony. *LOL* those were wonderful, wonderful days. sometimes we'd have dinner and laugh (and maybe cry) about those times. i miss them alot. i miss what we were and what we had. though i welcome the changes we have all gone through but we have lost so much along the way. but i'm glad that there are a few things that haven't changed. like how much we love each other. like something fierce. ==================== i also found a poem in my wallet, written by a friend. my favorite line: "i may find peace in the emptiness." -w.h. ---------------------------------------- Neil Young Hello cowgirl in the sand Is this place at your command Can I stay here for a while Can I see your sweet sweet smile Old enough now to change your name When so many love you is it the same? It's the woman in you that makes you want to play this game. Hello ruby in the dust Has your band begun to rust After all the sin we've had I was hopin' that we'd turn back Old enough now to change your name When so many love you is it the same It's the woman in you that makes you want to play this game. Hello woman of my dreams This is not the way it seems Purple words on a grey background To be a woman and to be turned down Old enough now to change your name When so many love you is it the same It's the woman in you that makes you want to play this game. it took someone so far away to remind me that this song exists and even as a child i had loved it without understanding it. i don't think i've played any other song on my PC for the past couple of days. the words just say so much to me. *sigh* +) |
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| Tuesday, January 11th, 2005 |
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four truths and a lie I'm calling on all my friends (okay, strangers, too, so nobody feels left out) to post four truths and a lie on their respective blogs. I bet everyone will get a kick out of this. Let's see who's the most imaginative/creative in weaving a deceitful tale or whose truth is uncannily stranger than fiction. This will surely keep everybody guessing! 1. i learned to masturbate when i was 6 years old and only because i had to pee but couldn't for some reason so i had to keep my legs crossed and.... you get the picture? 2. i've actually tried to kill myself. 3. i've had a guy cum in my mouth because i was really curious about how it tastes. 4. i used to sleep with the lights open and the window closed because i really believed that for a time someone/something used to just stand there outside my window and watch me sleep. 5. i tried to not eat and/or throw up my food for a few years. ..................... +) |
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| Friday, December 10th, 2004 |
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i'm still wondering about why i am where i am. i mean fuck it, i think i am not part of the general scheme of things. why am i here? why the fuck am i here? i've had a couple of "sessions" with a chatmate who is taking up psychology at oklahoma u. he thinks i have a rather low self esteem. nothing new there really. and he commented on my "hobbies".... books, films, that sorta thing. he says i should take up something that i can build on. yeah, i haven't done that in a while. i keep to things that start and end easily primarily because i can't shake the feeling that i will fail. though i keep on reassuring myself that i am trying to move past that. and i am. and he said something about expressing myself, expressing my real wants and striving for my real dreams.... at some point in my life i realized that i wanted to help people. i know i haven't gotten around to that. but i will. i do wonder if changing careers would too late by now though.... can someone tell me when is it too late to shift gears? but it's not like my career is in full throttle now. the engine's just about warming up. and i think it's about to go kaput given that i'm not really sure if i wanna be here. all that we talked about stemmed from me asking him about panic attacks. not that i've been having much of them recently. but last week i felt like i was dying. physically. i could feel my insides giving up. and my thought process was way too slow. and i felt like i was choking. no breath was deep enough to make it stop. and to make matters worse i was inside a public transport vehicle. i couldn't move to get up and i had to be somewhere though i couldn't think of where i was going. it all sounds so stupid now. but anyway, i'm so trying to concentrate on what is good about my life. it's just that if i think about it, most of what i can think of are things i see around me. nothing that stems from within can come to mind. but the stuff around would be as good a place to start as any. i can still appreciate alot of things, and most of them bring me joy like( the romance in a night full of stars.... ) +) |
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| Thursday, December 9th, 2004 |
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i guess it kinda hurt that you acted that way.... i thought you'd be glad that we got to talk after such a long time. i was. until i realized that you weren't the least bit enthusiastic about catching up. silly me to have thought you'd be happy to see me. +( |
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| Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004 |
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looks like another droopy and/or possibly rainy day. i like waking up this early. even if i feel like i'm not all together there and will probably feel this way the whole day. the sky looks completely depressed. like someone who was abandoned by the one she loves and then mugged on the street corner. it has dark bruises on it. but i can see patches of blue here and there. maybe it will turn ou to be bright and sunny today. either way, i don't mind. i love sunshine (though i hate the heat) and i like sad, droopy days. --------------- i have to go to intramuros today. to get a friggin' check. finally somebody's paying up. i can begin to pay my countless debts and the upcoming bills. i don't want to think about it really but sometimes it's so frustrating to work so much and not have enough for myself or my family. i'm glad that my brothers work though and contribute alot to the upkeep of the house and my youngest brother's tuition and allowance. this would be an absolute nightmare if they didn't. i am so thankul that they were raised to be good, old responsible men. breakfast beckons. and hot coffee. i honestly feel like it's going to be a good day. i hope i'm right. +) |
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| Wednesday, November 17th, 2004 |
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i almost got kicked out of school. and all because i thought i could bullshit my way in and out things. how stupid! i was given another chance. just felt bad cause i could have been finished by this semester. and because it was my fault anyway. i could have thrown everything away just like that. it just hit me that i'm still kinda juvenile about some things. ========= eight ball. (phone rings) i pick it up and i see his name. what the fuck? i answer just as he hangs up. there's a message. him: hey wat you doin? how have you been? i text back. me: playing billiards. how are you? him: i'm ok. wat you doin after? me: going home i guess. him: wanna tonight? me: maybe not tonight. i'm playing pool at a place that's 5 min away from i where i live and 30 min away from where we usually meet up. raincheck? him: ok. this after almost a month of not talking/texting each other. and almost 3 months of not seeing each other. i don't understand why it upsets me so. i don't understand why i'm wondering whether he found someone else to meet up with. i don't understand why i couldn't get the fucking striped balls in after he replied with "ok." fuckin' bastard. ================= going to bed. tomorrow's bound to be better. i hope. +/ |
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| Tuesday, November 9th, 2004 |
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i sometimes wonder what people do so that their realizations about their lives and themselves sustain them. i've been kinda busy the past couple days being supervising producer for the post-production of two music videos and finishing up on an AVP that i started a couple of months ago. all three projects have nothing to do with my current day job and some days it's stressful to balance everything. i'm kinda glad that all 3 projects are about to end but the thought of going back to just one job doesn't cheer me up much. it's been approximately 9 months since i officially signed on with the newest production team of a local TV network. and for those 9 months we have gone to the office daily to smoke, have coffee, play online games, check our mail, our friendster accounts and smoke some more.... upon occassion we have been roused from this with the promise that YES!!! finally we can start production of the respective shows we have conceptualized, only to be told that NO, the management was wrong, the higher-ups need more time on this-and-that or God-knows-what-else.... don't get me wrong, it was fun to wake up late and only have to be at work for a few hours in the afternoon and do all those nonsensical things. but i will go apeshit from the boredom if i have to go to that one job and only that one job. i'm a production person and i have always welcomed (i think) the erratic schedule, sleepness nights, highly tense locations, the stupid , bitchy talents, horny editors and everything in between. i miss the ache i get between my shoulders when something i'm editing is due to be on-air in an hour and i'm still sitting in the editing bay with my editor begging me to let him smoke one stick so he can concentrate better. i miss the intense satisfaction i get when i see the opening credits of a show i produced on air. i miss feeling bitchy and used when i am asked to get to the next project while the closing credits on the one that just aired, has yet to scroll up the screen. i just feel i've lost so much momentum. i'm rather thankful for the occassional AVP or music video. but i just miss TV so much. maybe i love my job more than i would care to admit. maybe i've realized a few things during these stagnant months. but i am so ready for the onslaught of pressure. for the grind. for the forced creativity. i think i crave for it now because i feel like i've matured significantly since my last job. i would like to think that i will be able to separate my own personal bias and artistic shit from my job. meaning, that i will not look for a deep, personal meaning in what i do. i used to do that a lot in my previous jobs and it never helped much. i always ended up feeling resentful because all everyone cared about were the ratings, the sponsors and what the bosses think. nobody really gave a damn about content. it was all eye-candy. but i have come to realize that if i didn't want that i should move my act somewhere. maybe some day i will. but right now, the job pays the bills. i get to acquire and hone my skills and that should be enough. though i feel like maybe i will be brave enough to turn down shows that are simply over-the-top stupid or totally without conscience.... so there. ============= and oh, it's been more than a week since we last talked. i feel kinda sad. not because i realized that he probably doesn't like me the way i thought he did but because i so wanted for this thing to turn out to be something.... why? well, who wouldn't want a nice, steady relationship? i guess the answer to that would be: me. i actually want more than that. (yeah, more than a nice, steady relationship.) and most definitely more than what he offers. the periodic rides home with uncomfortable silences are fine and appreciated. the kisses, the superficial conversation, the looks across the room, the guessing game, it all might be missed though all-in-all i kinda don't see what the hell i was expecting from him. it's not like i spent sleepness nights over this, but i kinda pissed off with the thought that i did however get my "hope" juices (as the slob would put it) up once inawhile and bothered enough to act like a silly school girl. so basically now, i'm out! and i know this might sound like a total sourgraper comment but who the hell cares.... i don't even like the way he plays the drums. i like being captivated by a musician, by his music.... he doesn't do that for me. oh well.... onwards and upwards. and oh yes, bluellite was kind enough to enlighten me too with insights from a book on a guy's honest reaction to girl he likes. it's real funny. +) |
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| Monday, November 8th, 2004 |
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| Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004 |
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on nov. 1, 4 am --- coming from an oct. 31 gig.... hatid sa bahay ko sabay goodnight sabay may kiss sabay bye-bye... apologies to those who can't understand. but ask. i'm more than willing to tell the actual story. i'm just too tired to post a real entry since i had coffee with a couple of friends and we ended up at a videoke place yet again. it maybe be nothing but then again it may turn out to be something.... but if it is nothing, it was still a nice gesture. +) |
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| Saturday, October 30th, 2004 |
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i don't know why but i feel a pinch of the old void, that loneliness that kinda hurt, that boredom that caged me in, that sadness i'm so scared of coming back.... i want to figure this out before it gets me. again. no fucking way i'm gonna let this eat me up a second time around. and just when things are going ok. fuck it! =========== i was feeling kinda sad the other night. i was hoping to talk to this guy that i have a bit of history with but the night started with "hi's" that had hints of promise but ended with a rather cold goodbye. i don't know how or why but it just did.... ok, i know why and how. i should have known that he wouldn't make his move unless i make it clear as daylight that i wanted to talk to him. but i think i rectified the situation quite well last night. i just decided to step out of this goddamn wall i built for myself and talk to him. we do, after all, talk the same language and were in the same room. and it's not like he's hostile or assholic in anyway. it was alot more liberating to treat him like any other friend rather than give him that "i'm-here-but-i'm-not-interested-in-you" ============= maybe this whole "maturity" act is so new to me that my system is still rejecting it. i think i'm just tempting me to go back to that safe, miserable place i used to live in. but i don't wanna go back there. i like it that i've stepped out of my precious wall. i like being open to possibilities. i like acting like i'm liberated and actually feel it inside, without second-guessing who i am, or what i am. i feel like i can actually do this. besides, if i fail. all i have to stand back up and try again right? +) something i saw on opts journal.
What Type of Seducer are You? created by  polite_society +) |
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| Friday, October 22nd, 2004 |
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two of them are dead. and i'm not even sure when their last album came out. i probably wasn't even born yet. but it is so amazing how people can come together under one room and sing themselves hoarse to beatles songs. i wasn't even drinking alcohol but listening and singing along made me heady and gave me a really sublime high. i was reminded of how wonderful their lyrics are and how moving the melodies.... or how sexy for that matter.... "i want you, i want you so bad...." and lucy in the sky with diamonds has always been a favorite. it's the perfect "fantasy-genre-d" song. and two of us.... oh two of us.... i've always wanted to be able to sing this song to someone. enough said. and they sang alot of other favorites like eleanor rigby (which was doubly wonderful for me because it was sang by jazz while he played the drums. (i said it once i will say it again, i am a jazz nicholas fan!!!) and then of course there was imagine, let it be, get back and come together PLUS a superb, superb version of while my guitar gently weeps by francis brew while he did indeed make his guitar weep. i could have cried. and everybody else in the "makeshift" beatles band were equally wonderful. there was kevin roy, aia of imago, ebe of sugarfree, providing most of the vocal parts kel of itchyworms on bass, rey fabella (though i'm not sure from which band and if i even got his name right.) and the legendary chicoy pura.... who was such a sport because he sang a few more songs (julia, blackbird and nowhere man (joined by kevin and rey for this one)) after the band went down the stage with everyone shouting "more". there was alot more to their repertoire. and all in all it was great, great, great. and i'm glad the slob and bluelite convinced me to go with them. *really deep sigh of satisfaction* nothing beats a good night of fun and music. +) |
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Blurty for whiskey dream.
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pissed off.
tired.
silly.
happy.
quixotic.
indescribable.
crushed.
anxious.
bouncy.
contemplative.