| View: | User Info. |
| View: | Friends. |
| View: | Calendar. |
| View: | Memories. |
| You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries. | |
|
|
Blurty for whiskey dream.
|
||||||||||
| Wednesday, February 9th, 2011 |
|
||||
|
i'm back but i don't know why. i feel broken lately for some reason. i dunno why. it feels like i have this short circuit. i feel disappointed and i don’t know why. i feel despondent and there is no reason to feel that way. i feel alone but i know i’m not. i want to get past this so badly. ever so badly. maybe i'm just looking for a magic answer |
||||
|
|
| Tuesday, February 8th, 2011 |
|
||||
| hello? | ||||
|
|
| Saturday, September 17th, 2005 |
|
||||||
|
you gotta love a house where you wake up to the sound of your parents' laughter, laughing at some silly song your youngest brother made, blues-like with these lyrics. " si eppie (mom) ay kulot. whoa.... si eppie ay kulot." ---------------- and you have gotta love this kid.  she's sam. my godchild. ang cuuuuuute lang talaga! ------------------ seen: jeans so incredibly low, lower than yer typical low waist jeans, you'd have to shave. i'm talking "hello butt crack" low. sorely tempted. but hell no. ------------------ OZ. i'm addicted to this prison tv series. if anybody sees a dvd os seasons 2 to 5, could you pls let me know? +) ps thanks to everybody who came here, texted, called, IM'ed during my gramps' wake. as in salamat. |
||||||
|
|
| Saturday, August 27th, 2005 |
|
||||||||
|
the first thing i heard was the rain on the roof. and i wanted to fall back asleep. it was early, 9am. not so early for other people but early for someone who finishes work at 2, 3, 4 am. but my brother knocked on my door to borrow our ever mobile dvd player. so i had to stand up, open my door and pretend he wasn't being a bother. and there was a text asking me to visit my grandpa in the hospital. from my aunt. did i fail to mention that seeing him there is hard for me? and why shouldn't it be? he once carried me through tall grasses on his shoulders. we planted bamboo shoots together when i was four. we chased chickens together. now he can't even lift a finger. he has more tubes and needles going in and out of him than i would care to count. the rain wasn't going to stop soon. i snuggled back in the covers trying to recapture sleep. that proved pointless. but it was warm and the sound of the rain was reassuring. strangely enough, the one time that i need reaasurance, i get it from the rain and not a human voice. and i wasn't quite sure what i needed reassurance from. but incredibly, some days you feel incredibly resigned to things. resigned in a good way, mind you. you fall asleep feeling that way. but you wake up miserable and looking for a sign that things will be fine. but all you get the sound of the rain and the warmth you generate under the covers. and you refuse to get up because you know things will not be so great once you get up. but i am up. what choice did i have? -------------- in other news, work comes in steadily though some days i work for 10 to 14 hours straight. i just finished a project for MTv (yey!). and islamusik will soon end (boohoo...). so it will soon be time to look for new projects. whatever days are here again though. i feel like blah. i need a vacation. ----------------------- how are you? i can't stand the silence. but i don't think i'll be able to stand the words either. so, let it stay in the muck what we chose to drop. fuck it. this is silly but.... ( damn you! i miss you, you goddamn SON-OF-A-BITCH! ) +/ |
||||||||
|
|
| Sunday, July 10th, 2005 |
|
||||
|
in no particular order. - they want to cut my 80-yr old grandpa open to keep the tumor from getting bigger. my grandpa wants it too. but what if his body can't take it? but doctors said that that he won't get better either way. what the fuck do those assholes know!!! i wish they'd just shut up if they can't help him. - you don't get it! i want you to acknowledge this! whatever the hell this is! we don't owe each other explanations. but if i turn flaky and i begin to look stupid to the naked eye i want to be able to walk away with my pride intact. stop giving me reassurances about love. i don't know what the hell they're for. - thesis! God, why can't i get myself to edit it? i should be writing my paper by now. - country? to hell with the government! i hope they all fucking burn in hell ten times over! fuckers!!! FUCKERS!!! i wish each and everyone of you who screwed this country over extremely slow and terribly painful, bloody deaths. fuckers!!! the people trusted you you bloody motherfuckers!!! *seething* +/ |
||||
|
|
| Friday, July 1st, 2005 |
|
||||||
|
our dog of almost 13 years died the other day. he curled up in a corner, went to sleep and went his way. bye hans. so long boy.... =================== NEGATIVE. it came up negative. and i realized being negative isn't always a bad thing. i was able to breathe again. but for some reason i felt a little sad. we have gotta stop this Ch. +/ |
||||||
|
|
| Sunday, June 12th, 2005 |
|
||||||||
|
life keeps getting.... life-y. i don't feel like alot has changed but i still keep counting how many days i've been 26 years old. i am now on 24th day of being 26 and i keep expecting some kind of epiphany will overtake all the senselessness i experience. but so far nada! and i am forced yet again to wake up each day and make sense of it all. honestly though, so far so good. the fact that i have to wake up and to sit in front of george (mon PC) to make scripts, or get to a shoot, or edit to: 1. be able to eat 2. help send a brother to school 3. pay for at least one bill (while my brothers take care of the rest) .... it kinda helps put things in perspective. i have also noticed that i seem to know more about what i'm talking about during meetings. there seems to be less hesitation on my part to voice out concerns regarding treatment for shows, schedules, etc, etc, whereas before i always opted to shut up, should i say something stupid, even though i feet like we were making a big mistake. i feel like benefits are in the horizon. and not working for a network right now has kinda opened up more opportunities for me. i don't get payed any better right now, but the fact that i'm meeting other people and getting other kinds of projects that don't have as much pressure has cleared my head some. so what i have to do and get done ASAP is more apparent. long term goals are on hold though to give more brain- and heart- space for the immediate wants/needs (ie thesis (wish me luck dear friends, last sem na ito!!!)). -------------- a minor victory: i finished editing a whole episode of the show i'm doing with hastyteenflick. i did the jazz ep and i would have to say i didn't do such a bad job. i'm kinda proud of it. and i like being an editor. it has improved my concentration some. (very special thanks chookie and moe!!!) and on that note two things: the show airs on JUNE 18, on ABC 5. it's every saturday, 6 to 7pm. (the jazz ep airs 2 sats after.) and thanks mikah for providing the contacts. ----------------- ( the darker side ) ------------------------ so more or less.... sometimes more. sometimes less. but good. +) |
||||||||
|
|
| Saturday, June 4th, 2005 |
|
||||
|
i was at the mini-stop yesterday when i decided i wanted a donut. i asked the girl at the counter if i should get one first and then pay or pay then get one. she asked me to pay for it first. she asked me what flavor i wanted and i couldn't decide and a line was building up so i said "bavarian" because that was the only flavor i saw that was familiar to me. anyway, she hands me my change and a small paper bag to put in. when i got back to the donuts i saw a chocolate-caramel crunch donut. i got that. i wonder if it was wrong of me because her sales would show that she sold a bavarian cream donut but would be short on chocolate-caramel crunch. i felt sorta guilty as i walked out of there. but as soon as i bit into it.... all guilt evaporated. panalo chong!!! +) |
||||
|
|
| Saturday, May 28th, 2005 |
|
||||||
|
-thursday night- sometimes you do certain things and you pretend you don't know why you do it but the simple reason is because you want to. i wanted to go. so i went. i don't know why i should have been so fuckin' upset the morning after. but i think we should stop pretending that we're friends. maybe we're really not. so stop reassuring me! ---------- -friday night- MOS EISLEY night was fun. people in costume (mostly star wars characters). live indie rock music. then live dance music. dancing. friends. and free iced tea. the universe sometimes finds the damnest ways to cheer you up. (scene) one time lover: next time mag-slave leah costume ka ha. (next time come as slave leah.) me: *lol*.... *blush* he asked me to dance. swing. i kept trying to lead. but it was fun. i eventually got the hang of it. once i stopped being conscious that it was him. it makes me want to confess and profusely apologize about certain things said about a certain night during a certain drunken session where certain mutual acquaintances and friends were in attendance. *guilt eating up insides* oh well.... ----------------------- -saturday afternoon- editing an AVP. but considerably cheered up. +) |
||||||
|
|
| Tuesday, May 24th, 2005 |
|
||||||
|
i've been trying to figure out why i don't like you. and just the other day i realized it's because i don't see a gleam of danger in your eye. my bad. ----------------- today i want to waste away. +) |
||||||
|
|
| Sunday, May 22nd, 2005 |
|
||||||||
|
thank you. i feel incredibly loved. +) |
||||||||
|
|
| Friday, May 20th, 2005 |
|
||||||
|
my feelings kept seesawing over the past three or four days... i haven't been updating recently. out of sheer laziness i guess. but i also feel that there will be things that i simply won't forget. like my recent "level-up" in understanding how i get into the shit (read: man/boy dilemmas better left unblogged) i get into without realizing how much i non-participated in them but end up all mushy-gooey-shitty. in any case, i feel grateful. to God. to the universe. to me. i feel like i owe it to myself to at least be happy because i try to live a life. my life. and i've seen/heard/participated in a bunch of stuff that has again made me thankful to be who i am and what i am. case in point, i just recently saw beyond borders starring angelina jolie and clive owen. the movie so incredibly sucks because it was simply a bad love story masquerading as a film dedicated to refugees and all the victims of war but a scene caught my eye. it was the one where a young African boy was on all fours in the desert sand while he faced a vulture waiting for him to die. they were basically just staring into each other's eyes. while i do not want other people's miseries to be my ticket to finding my own happiness, i felt rather--- not happy--- but kinda relieved. or perhaps thankful. because i could just as easily have been born into that life. into that awareness. my soul in that body. that body suffering from starvation, the heat and any number of diseases. but someone decreed, the universe decided, that i get this life. i may not have all the luxuries "awarded" to other lives but i can't deny the comforts i have, the skills acquired, a bit of intelligence, a roof over my head, food, friendships that allow me to talk and talk and talk and talk (and better yet the same friendships that allow me to be silent), a dysfunctional family that nevertheless loves me and the only vultures waiting for my death are the ones i make in my head. and while it isn't a luxurious life, it's one that any number of people would be happy to have. so i can't see why i shouldn't be. or at least trying to be happy with it. but i realize that i am. i love my life and i'm glad for what i've done with it and i'm thankful for what i can still do with it. and i'm glad that in some ways love defines it and goals give it structure. it's a good day to be alive. but for some reason, i feel incredibly sad. depressed. i want it to go away. +/ |
||||||
|
|
| Monday, May 2nd, 2005 |
|
||||||||
|
our wishkid just died. and i was wrong, turns out the kid was only 7. had he lived for a week more he would have had his wishes. they were relatively simple. wanted to meet his fave celeb and have a small keyboard. he liked to draw and was really keen on learning to play an electric keyboard. he was a sweet kid. he smiled alot and would vigorously nod his head at questions thrown at him. he already lost a leg because the bone cancer had spread there. but he was close to being ok. the doctor said he could have gone back to school next term. i just feel so sad for his family. his mom really loved him alot. the thing that both upsets and disturbs me is that he died because of negligence. he overdosed on some kind of medicine because the nurse did not administer it correctly. kinda makes you wonder about the sense of it all. +( ---------------- bye moimoi! it was nice meeting you. |
||||||||
|
|
| Saturday, April 23rd, 2005 |
|
||||
from  sunshinysarcasmseen on another friend's journal on another site.... parang pwede. +) |
||||
|
|
| Friday, April 22nd, 2005 |
|
||||
|
|
|
||||||
|
long time.... there is justice in the world.... sorta. the music show is a go! more soon.... ======== there's not much to be said. i am a blank right now. but seems like some things are actually happening and going well. ============== it's not that i don't get this. i don't get me. or maybe we're heading for the proverbial downward spiral? *sigh* .... whatever days! but all in all, i am strangely fine. my life goes on. ===================== my group and i are visiting my wishkid from the make-a-wish foundation. he's 13 and he has bone cancer. so it's-getting-to-know you time. and next week we'll be granting his wish, i f he doesn't have to go into chemo. -------- +) ======================================== apr 10 i find that there's not much to be said when you're ok (keeping below the radar is it?). perhaps there is justice in the world. things have been going well, strangely enough. i set out to write a long entry to make up for lost time but i find myself without words to describe what has been happening to me. i'm not all that distressed or worried as i should be given that i sorta left my job with no intention of coming back and with NO viable alternatives.... though my boss wants me back by may. it's along story but suffice to say i'm currently flattered silly that more than one of higher-ups in the tv industry food chain has complimented my work. i suddenly feel like i've actually gotten good at this job. but i am also currently confused. so i should i stay or should i go? oh well. maybe it'll come to me all in good time, eh? -------------------------------------- i don't want to get attached so don't. just don't, ok? so now what? +/ |
||||||
|
|
| Monday, March 28th, 2005 |
|
||
|
second guessing my motives yet again. existential fatigue. my decisions leave me kinda unhappy. but it doesn't seem so complicated anymore. i go for what i want. but i am left with nothing. +/ |
||
|
|
| Sunday, March 27th, 2005 |
|
||
|
an entry from a broken baby's dream there she goes again. she can see the words "bad news" tattoed on your forehead. but you're adults right? and you've made a bunch of things clear. she knows she should have a bit more self control. but novelties excite her. the unexplored gets to her. and she will try anything once. and if made of the right stuff, she will try anyone once. she's been through too much of that already. and this time she can't see how this can end in pain. the time spent may have been too much too soon. but she hardly cares anymore. it's gotten to a point where the shadow and light have mixed and there are no distinctions between pain and lust and liking and uncertainties. there are just the touches found in the moments, the wet and dry share the same space and the smell of wanton abandonment fills up the time between each meeting. she felt that kiss, that lick, that touch. her back arched towards you. she bides her time. as do you. ophelia |
||
|
|
| Saturday, March 26th, 2005 |
|
||
|
i spent the last 4 days editing three different projects. if there is any justice in the world: 1. this week's episode will rate real high. (so what if i think you're right charlie.... all the trouble for a 4 minute slot but still....) 2. my client will stick to the revisions they gave and we will be paid immediately. 3. i will be part of the newest music show on air soon. ============== i still think about this and that. i have reconciled this and that. i think it's time to move on. what do you think? =================== you know how we're a family.... and i love and understand that but it gets to a point where i feel like i can't live my life like this. don't ask me not to worry about things after telling me about all our problems. i can't take care of all of you all the time and i'm so sorry about that. i feel guilty that i can't be a better daughter, sister, niece, granddaughter but there is only so much that i can do. or say. or make. i can't make you eat. i can't give you money all the time. i can't do anything about your situation. there's just so much that i can't do. and it's not because i don't want to do anything about it. i simply do not know what to do about it. if you only knew how much personal shit i'm going through right now. there's a lot to deal with and half the things i'm going through i can't tell you because it will only upset you. outside the house, i didn't exactly grow up to be the christian girl you wanted me to be. and while i know that you all sense that, i'd rather just not have you deal with the "me" who has to survive out there. i'm just trying not to drown out there. +/ |
||
|
|
| Tuesday, March 22nd, 2005 |
|
||||
| so yeah, i fucking care. and i want you to be ok.... sometimes i even wish for your happiness. | ||||
|
|
|
|
Blurty for whiskey dream.
|
||||||||||
cheerful.
lazy.
sad.
crappy.