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Savering this moment,
Soaking in your words,
Thinking of the past,
I feel my heart is broken,
If I could just forget,
And leave you far behind,
You wont go away,
And your never really close,
A drug inside my veins
to take away the pain
and when you walk away
it all comes back again,
why cant I have you?
why cant I live without you?
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The dark swirl,
The darker mist,
I do attest,
The test is this,
Read my mind,
Step in line,
To tell the time,
what is mine?
Truth hurts,
Love bites,
Lies sleep,
Embrace the night,
Deeds done,
Black thaughts,
Robbed emotion,
Behold my ocean,
Be Still my pain,
And Come again,
My hate is strong,
And walks again
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Supposing I had a chance to be greatfull
I would thank god for everything I have
Even the things I hate.
I would cover myself by thanking god
Especially about people I hate,
Merry Slaughter Turkeys by cutting of their heads and watching them run around and die and pluck the feathers and cook them and eat them and turn them into stuffing day everyone,
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Supposing I had a chance to be greatfull
I would thank god for everything I have
Even the things I hate.
I would cover myself by thanking god
Especially about people I hate,
Merry Slaughter Turkeys by cutting of their heads and watching them run around and die and pluck the feathers and cook them and eat them and turn them into stuffing day everyone,
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I am the false tear,
I am,
You have me,
I am the shattered dream,
Confess,
When you were with me,
Holding me,
Touching my skin,
I was denial,
Perfect,
A shadowed rainbow,
Distance,
Darkness,
Slide,
Touch,
Feel the flesh,
Let it go,
Breathe in,
Breath out,
Grasp
Die,
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Its a good thing nobody reads this or else I would be in trouble. I am having trouble finding the desire to go to sleep tonight. I went and saw the movie underworld tonight. It was pretty cool. I think I need to loose weight. I feel chubby. Oh shrug. I think rather then justify my existence or the existence around me I am just going to sit here and lament how sad I feel right now. Or whatever...
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You drip from my ashes,
Like blood falling from my lips,
Crimson and bitter revelation,
You flow like velvet from my heart,
The sky is black,
Embrace the idea that is complete,
Give yourself away to be,
Float like the angel in my arms,
Bind yourself to the god,
That lives inside me,
When its over and you have thanks,
Pray the dream doesnt die,
look inside the heart,,
This moment becomes silent,
The window holds the breeze,
Drown within my eyes,
Chains have set you free,
And in your darkest hour
Become a part of me,
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I dont know how long it has been. Maybe Five years? I dont know. Maybe it was longer. I Prayed the whole time for it to come back to me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I would hope it happened every time things got tough. Maybe not having it made me more of a man. I think the truth is not having it made me less of a person. All those times I just sat there with a blank face and nothing happened. Its like I had no feeling. Like a wall of no emotions. emotion has the word motion in it because emotions make you move. They move the pedestal from which you stand. But I just stood there or layed there or sat here without it.
....And then when you least expect it. It comes back.
I sat at work today and stared into the computer monitor at my desk and cried. I didnt sob or moan. I just felt the tears drip down my face. Not one or two like when you Get something stuck and your tying to get out. It was a steady stream. Like my eyes were my soul and they needed to empty some pain.
At lunch time I went outside and just let it have me. It felt good to let my feelings get the best of me. I embraced it for a good 10 minutes. I was in control though. I had to sop before I was ready because I had to work again. Now its gone. I wounder if it will come back?
..."loosing all hope was freedom" Life is a wave. A ride. A rollercoaster. Life is indeed what you make of it. Your perception is unique and the key to your universe. I used to go up and down in 3 month waves. I could never break that sycle. At the end of 3 months I would be on bottom again and I always had to climb back up untill I couldnt get any further. Then I could fall again. 3 months. Thats how long it takes me to fall...
This time the sycle changed. I changed it. The world around me changed it. I honestly dont know what changed it. 9 months. 9 months for the cycle to burn me. How long? 9 months. That is 6 months of wondering how long I could last before it crumbled. 6 months wondering when everything would fall apart around me. When I woke up today everything was intact...
Its fallen down around me.
You dont love me Hilary.
This is not to say you dont try. But love is when you understand a person and are there for them when they need you. I needed you today and you hurt me instead. I said something that was hurtfull. You know I didnt mean it. But you hurt me back. Maybe I didnt act like it. But what I needed outside on the lawn was a hug. If you loved me then you would know me well enough to know that what I meant when I said what I said is that I need a hug. I know you try to love me. But the truth is you don't know how. At least not yet.
I need some time alone. But your here. Your sitting in my room. When I needed a hug you werent there. When I needed space you crowded me. I am sorry. What I am saying right now. It hurts. I know it must hurt because it is cold and unfeeling. It blames you for everything. Everytime you thaught I was blaming you and I wasnt. Now I am blaming. Not you but everyone. Because its not working. nothing works for me anymore...
6 months. Count it. How many days is that? Its too many. You have a place to go tonight. Some place that isnt here. But your here. Your not with me. just here. Taking up space. Not physical space. Emotional space. Mental space. Every space that you cant see but you can feel. I'm going to tell you why I broke down today. What made me get to this point. But not right now. Right now I dont know what to do. I cant get in my car and drive away. I have no place to drive away too. This is my one place. This is my safety. This is my haven. And your here. What do I do? I am so tired.
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I feel terrible. I hit my head yesterday. I have hit it harder in the past. But This time I think I struck a bad cord with my brain. I have had a headache now for almost 2 days. Everything has gotten to that point where its all a blur. Nothing is actually blurry but what I mean is that I cant focus on anything really. I feel distant to everything. Its a strong feeling of detachment and It doesnt make me happy. I need this to go away by tomarrow when I go back to work. I cant handle another absence on my record and at the same time I really need to be able to focus and do my job correctly when I do work.
Weeks have past sense the last time I wrote. I dont know what to say. It just never seems like the right time or the right place to write. Even now I have nothing to say that Is really worth my thaughts and memories. But I may look back on this one day and come to realize that everything I wrote was worth it because things I dont understand now my pass on wisdom to my own self at a future date. Or I may just look back and realize how stupid I was. Shrug.
I am going to go check on the dishes now.
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You know how they say something is too good to be true? Well it is. I cant really count how many times I have tried to aim for a goal and have fallen very short of it do to things out of my own control. Is it my lack of determination? Is it because I dont work hard enough? I dont know. When I think about my life and all the things that have gone wrong It kind is depressing. But then I remember when things were a lot worse. I thaught that it couldnt always be that bad and it turned out not to be that bad. I have a lot going for me. I have somebody who loves me and cares about me. I have a few good friends and a nice place to live. Granted the place where I live is sucking every spare amount of money I have right out of me but I survive. Survival is neccesary to live. Living is neccesary for survival. I am starting to hate sayings like that. In order to defend you must first learn to atack. What is that? I dont get it. Things at work took a turn for the worst. see my previous entry about the team lead position. I dont know about getting the teamlead job at all anymore. But other more important things are at question now. My very integrity is being put to the test by the people I work with and now I have to fight just for simple things like respect that I once had. Some things I took for granted. I think out of sight and out of mind can really apply to a lot of situations. However somethings that are out of sight linger deeply in the mind. Its always somewhere in the back of my mind. The longing I have for a nice car. It would feel really good to be able to have a nice car. Blah.
My birthday is coming up here. It reminds me that I am young but at the same time it reminds me that I am getting older.
I wounder. If I was famous would I allow myself to be brainwashed into a mindless puppet? perhaps? Perhaps not. I dont see any reason to give into society especially because society hasnt ever given in to me. Ask not what I can do for society but what we can do for eachother. Er or. Something like that. I dont really know what I am saying. But if I am ever famous and I turn into an jerk. I am going to find me and kick my ass.
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