Hello again, dear friend. I've been gone far too long, but you're still here.

So much has happened, and again, not much at all. Since the last update, we've finished another song pretty much. It's a daring leap from the first, but I think it's helped us define our sound alot. The guitar work is getting pretty complex, which thankfully is pushing Parkin to do alot more drum-wise. We've had some internal drama happen, some coming from myself, but I think we finally have found our stable ground. Tomorrow we are going to have another chit-chat and get everything sorted out. I feel like I need to apologize to those guys.

I've been so focused on "making it work" and getting things done, that I've really come off like an ass. I think I was just so ready to jump back into "the band" but I forget, when starting anew, it takes some time to get there. So, I'm going to take it easy, give them space for their creative juices to flow, and just support them until they are ready for me.

Still working, and it's going okay. I'm finally use to getting up early and having the evenings off has been a treat. I actually have real time with Jenn. Speaking of which, I wish she was out of school. Me and her have quit smoking pot as of 4/23 (we caved and smoked after 4/20) and so far things have been going smoothly. It'll be nice once I'm offically clean to call up my buddy, get a nice chronic sack, and get toasted...nicely toasted.

Well, just thought I'd update here for the sake of doing just that.
Jenn gets out of school in 30 minutes so I need to clean myself up.

mood   //    happy music   //   Skold - Chaos

The new band has offically finished a song. We are going to record it Thursday and I'll probley release it online as we begin our search for a singer. Yes, a singer. Gibbons is having some personal issues to tend to, and I'm not sure if he's going to be able ot fullfill his commitment to the way this band is going. I wish him the most of luck, and while there is still a chance he may be part of this, we need to keep our options open.

We are going to begin the search for a name while we start a new song. Hopefully once we have the two done, and a name, I'm going to start us a MySpace Profile which will hopefully start generating a buzz. If anyone will be intrested in helping spread the word, or if your in a band, any help we can get will be greatly appreciated. I want to start playing by the Summer and see where we go from there.

The new job is going well, I still have a week or so until I can start whoring the employee discount. I don't work today or tomorrow, but I have a dentist appointment at 4pm. Not really looking forward to it, but hell, it's just gotta get done. So I think I'm going to go hang out with Jenn, go get some lunch, and hang out until then.

Later.

mood   //    accomplished music   //   H I M - Death Is In Love With Us

I've returned to my Blurty. My sanctuary through all the bullshit. It's funny how far I can look back, how far this thing reaches into my past. It's good to know how far I've come, and the skin I had to shed to get where I am today. I am stronger, and wiser, and more aware.

So I got a new job. That's right, no longer that hell known as Blockbuster. I start monday at Musician's Friend as a customer service rep. Good hours, good pay, and even better gear discount. Have you ever bought a piece of gear at just cost?! COST!!! So whatever it costs the company to buy, I can get it for that price. Wonderful stuff.

Music is going well. Band practice is this evening. Ronnie (our new guitarist) bought himself a Mesa Recitifer. A nice brutal amp. But it's got me in a scramble to find a way to get a line of credit to get my own. Depending on what kind of deal I can get on an Ampeg, I might get one of those, or just buy this 1000-watt Carvin set up (8x10 cab).

Valentines was good. Jenn is so amazing, and I'm glad she's kept me around.

That's really all that's new.
I may return.

mood   //    accomplished music   //   M.D.F.M.K. - Witch Hunt

Tonight was good...kinda tastes like burning :P
Jenn came over and helped me take apart my old bed and carry in the matress and boxspring for my new one. Nice queen sized bed *big great grin*. Maybe now my back problems will go away.

A few days ago I ordered my bass guitar. I'm so excited to be getting this thing. I haven't been so focused musically since I played tenor sax in middle school jazz band. With guitar, I could pick it up and jam out some riffs. But i didn't KNOW the instrument. It's kinda like the difference of me playing piano. With a piano, I know most keys, all major and minor scales on the fly (even starting on different roots) and just basically my way around. On the guitar, I could just automatically see where every G or Bb note or chord was. I knew at least one position for all major and minor chords on guitar, bu With bass, I'm going to learn the instrument. I'm so excited and motivated it's silly. I think being able to know bass like I do piano will help me write alot better and be able to jam better with improve.

Last night, Richie, Gibbons and me where hangin' at my house, listening to tunes and Parkin called. He actually asked us to come pick him up. At this point, I hadn't seen him since Matt told me he quit. But deep down, still concidering him my bro, I said we should go. We drove to his house and pulled up in the driveway. He stood in the doorway for a moment, but held up his hand suggesting we "wait a second". While we sit, Egg or comes to the door and in this bitch-ass tone, says "what do you want?!". It made me so glad that we don't go there anymore. What a bunch of assholes. Anywho, so Brandon gets in the car and we instantly starting talking and chilling. It was really cool and felt like a hole had been filled.

We went to my house and while Gibbons had to go to dinner with his folks, Richie, Parkin and I still hung out. While shouting "shotgunoba" as fast as we could, we left and got a 12-pack of dew and started to drive. Well, Richie's car broke down and we ended up pushing it to Maverick. At the maverick, Parkin told me he misses us. And while I said it I would love to jam...he did quit. But we talked, and he knows alot of stupid shit went down and alot of things should have been avoided. I honestly feel like he truely wants to get out of that enviroment and start jamming again.

The rest of us were trying to get Bruce involved, and while everytime he replied "fuck yea! i'd love to" and "i've been waiting for you to ask", he never seems to reply or answer his phone. And while this seems really familar, I have a feeling we'd jam with Parkin before we could even get ahold of Bruce. Oh well, we wanna play, and not when someone can find the time.

Back to Parkin, I told him everything I thought. About how he put sports above music. How once, we were tight like brothers. Exspecially the time between when we played at Matt's old house, up till the first few months when Parkin moved in, but right before WTE broke up, he kinda phased us out. Seem familar? It's happened with other people. He even admits this, which makes me think he's given this good thought. I told him how some people got hurt by the way he quit. He just told matt and never really said a word to Gibbons. And even though I couldn't get it out of him, I know the lies those people spread where a contributing factor to his decision. That was really hard on Gibbons, for fucks sake, they lived in his car for a while. They always seemed the closest and for it to end so abruptly really broke Gibbons heart. I let him know what would need to happen to start a band with him again, but most of all, I told him to talk to everyone.

Nothing in final, but he is my brother, a great drummer and if things could go back to being happy, so that our band had a personal life, not involving anyone except the band, things would be great.

I'm going to be playing bass, which I think will do alot for us musically and for Gibbons vocally Matt is in lessons. We'd find a new guitarist. Gibbons is getting voice lessons and learning the piano. But most of all, we could be friends, a true band. No friends involved. No girlfriends involved. No parents or family involved. Just us. No drama, no fucking drama. It's what I think most of us need to get away from that crowd.

So many things have been realized about how we were always trying to become accepted, musically, by those guys. For a while, Gibbons and me where viewed just as Coded. This attempt at me and him being in a band in like 2001. We tried to fit in with a crowd that viewed Sick/Murder to Genocide as "the fucking band" and it seemed like we always just got the shrug. Wish The End was a good band. We weren't better than those guys, I think we were just as good. But we were just different music. We could hear the songs in our head and wonder why no one else could hear it. So fruastrating it was. Then we recorded, and we were just so happy to record that we rushed the whole thing and it sucked. And we knew it. We were embarased and that's when everything fell apart. Skyler started becoming more a part of Muder to Genocide, and Parkin started hanging out with us less and less. It just all came to this dramatic boiling point and it sucked when it ended, but maybe this is the break we needed.

Who knows? not me!

mood   //    high music   //   Mash on Fox 12

Jenn's birthday was on the 12th, which means we've been together, offically, for one year now. It's been the most beautiful year I could have hoped for, and it makes me so happy to know how much time we have together ahead of us. She's so beautiful, and with each day, with each weaker moment that she holds me up, with each kiss and tender embrace, I just can't help but fall deeper and deeper into her. My angel.

I'm buying an ESP Bass Guitar. Four-strings, set neck, Les Paul style body. Black.
I was almost convinced yesterday that there was no hope for getting any gear, but somehow, I talked my dad into selling me his amp so I can use it as a practice amp, guitar amp, keyboard amp...whatever. This will give me time to build credit and just take the load through my bank.

ESP EC-Series Bass
Check it out...it's sexy =)

Once I get this, hopefully I can start jamming with Matt and get situated in the bass spot. maybe jam on some tunes. We are going to wait till Bruce has a job before we try to start a new band. So this will give me the time to make sure I don't suck. We met this guy named Anthony, who is actually really good friends with the guys in Incamera and has been in some big local bands himself, but he's stoked about playing for us. He's got incredible gear and I'm hopeful about jamming with him. But no rushes... just taking it nice and easy...sipping on gin 'n juice.

Work sucks. I'm going to start driving my dad's van, so I'm going to job hunt once I get it fixed up. Plus, having a van like that would be great for moving gear. I miss Henry tho'. He was the orginal of the pimped out vans.

That's it. Or at least all I can think of.

mood   //    hopeful music   //   Filter - One

One year you've been in my life.
I could not have asked for a more perfect angel, a more perfect friend.

I love you Jenn. I always will.

mood   //    happy music   //   Marilyn Manson - Born Again

Five to one, baby
One in five
No one here, gets out alive, now
You get your's, baby
I'll get mine....
Gonna make it baby if we try

The old get old,
And the young get stronger
May take a week and it may take longer
They got the guns, but, we got the numbers
Gonna win, yeah we're taking over

Ballrooms days, are over baby
Night is drawing near
Shadows of the evening
Crawl across the years
You walk across the floor with the flower in your hand
Try to tell me, no one fucking understands
And your trading your hours for a handful of dimes
Gonna make it baby in our prime

Get together, one more time (x5)

It's been a few days since I've updated this thing. Don't worry, I'm not going to neglect this journal of mine. This has and always will be the most open and honest of my journals. I just update MySpace more because I like to keep things simple.

I'm suppose to start going over all our songs with Gibbons so he can start putting down some bass and hopefully get playing soon. We've mapped out which old bass parts we are keeping and which we are changing up and he basically just needs to know the structure.

I've got to hang out with Jenn today which was beautiful as always. I work way early in the morning, but I'm going to hang out with her before we jam tomarrow.
I love everything about her. Everything.

Anywho, I gotta get to bed.

mood   //    tired music   //   the television

I guess Skyler finds it easier to point the finger at me, as if this was MY decision. Oh well, if it's that simple for him to become so childish and bitter, than I guess it was going to happen sooner or later.

This was the band's decision. And when I say "band" I mean EVERYONE.

But no point dwelling on the pathetic, I've got better things to waste my time on.
I will not be your victim.

mood   //    numb music   //   The Mars Volta - Televators

and if it's easier for you to hate me, then go ahead. i've done more than my share of hurtful things to you, from the lies, to haley, to the lies again. but this skyler, this is not me going out to hurt you. don't put up that hard ass attitude you do everytime you get upset. i don't want to be your enemy, it's just more painful to try to be something with you missing, then being something without you. does that make sense? I hope it does.

You need to see it from our side. Here is our friend, who is amazing to hang out with and great to be in a band with, but he only comes over if he's got at least 2 of his other friends with him. Is that a back up plan incase we bore him? Or is it so he can use them as an excuse to leave as soon as possible? Sometimes it feels like you only show up to make us happy...not that you want to be there, but because we want you to be there.

A while back we all decided we'd just watch you, see how well you interact with us, see how often you come around. It's pretty rare man...even you can admit that. I mean, how do we go from when we were hanging out day and night, to this?

Your real friends came back. And before you get defensive, honestly think about it. When you became our friend, it was right after you were kicked out of ToRQ. We hung out at Bruce's birthday party, and the next thing you know, we started hanging out always. You were our friend...our brother. And it was this way up until Bug Jam. Rob saw you as Sick's ticket to becoming popular since you know how to command a stage, and then all the sudden you were MIA with us. Once you healed things over with those guys and joined their band, you were hanging out with them day and night and we pretty much only see you when you aren't with them. It really feels like we were your rebound band and backup friends, and this is why we didn't want to force you to show up to practice. Bug you to come hang out. Comes if it doesn't come naturally to you, then that's not who you are. The band you are in, THEY are your best friends. And this is okay, we wanted to stop lying to ourselves, pretending you would come back like you were. But it ain't going to happen. Sky, go ahead and make what ever decision is going to suit you best. I'm not going to fight for or against you anymore.

-----------------------

Last night I went to the Lamb of God show. Every Time I Die was alot cooler than I thought, and Atreyu pretty much played all the songs i knew they would. All the bands sounded really amazing, and Lamb of God was fucking crazy. Their singer looks like such a bad ass. It was just so fucking hot. Thank god we went and got dinner afterwards.

Today I'm putting the new song on CD so Brandon can start demo'ing vocals for it. And then I'm going to hang out with Jenn. I just don't want to keep my mind on the stuff with Sky, cause it's just going to depress me. It's not like I wanted to end up this way. It's not like I'm happy with the end results. I just wanted to stop pretending things were different.

mood   //    crushed music   //   The Dillinger Escape Plan - Unretrofied

This is a step back as I step forward.

I've got a bass amp already in my room and we priced basses today. I found a great deal on either an Ibanez or Schecter 5 String under $500, and since the amp is already in my room, there isn't going to be much lag. Just to be frank, what we need is someone who is totally dedicated. Not someone who comes to hang out with us and brings his band with him. We needed a new best friend, and to be honest, there's no one that can fill that spot we need. So ya know... we are just going to do it ourselves. The four of us. We have always been brothers, and the only real doubt we've ever had, is from the lack of unity. This is not a negitive feeling...this is facing reality

Skyler is not one of us. Never would be, never could be. Skyler is a great guy, a great musician, but you gotta fullfill what your heart desires. So I wish him, and his band the utmost luck and I mean that more than anything. So Sky, if you are reading this, my band has no negitive feelings towards you what so ever. We just realized we were wanting something to happen that just wasn't possible. We thank for what you've showed, taught, and been through with us. You are a great man and I hope Muder II Genocide takes you were you want to be.

We are kicking ourselves in gear, 3 times a week, 2 hour sessions. We now will have someone who has been through it all, now part of the creation. We are more focused and more determined than ever. We just were looking for the easiest way out.

7 Songs and counting and shows to start as soon as we play catch up. CD at 10.
I'm glad we were able to remain optimisitic and think of a reasonable plan. Something that actually is within our grasp and something we can use to make us stronger in every definition of the word.

I am willing and ready. I am.

mood   //    anxious music   //   Tool - Lateralus

The fragments of the band have been talking ALOT lately and we've figured out what we are going to do now. We finally have a solid plan. I think our solution will solve ALOT of the problems within the band, both socially and musically. But it's going to require us to take a step back before we can step forward. It's okay though...i feel very strongly about our decision. Everyone has been able to voice their opinion, their doubts, their fears...in the end, this is what we need. I guess I'll fill you in on the details later.

Yesterday was amazing sex with Jenn *laughs* I have never felt that drained before afterwards...I could barely stand, let alone put my clothes back on. Today we are going to hang out until we both have work at 6pm. And then Sunday is Lamb of God & Atreyu, No one knows if Otep is going to be there. Otep has not denied the show, nor confirmed, but Lo-Fi Cafe and the owner (who've I've spoken to TWICE now) has said ALL bands are still confirmed for the show and it is still going to happen and tickets are not sold out. I mean, if Otep isn't there..yea that will suck, but the show will still be killer.

Nothing else is really going on. The band is going to get together during the day on Sunday and have some discussion and work on our two new songs. We finally have planned days to practice and set times, so now we'll be able to get alot more done and stay focused. Anywho...that's it. I'm done.

mood   //    determined music   //   Nine Inch Nails - Burn

i try to be strong, to be able to carry you through the worst of times. i try to be there when you need me, on lonely sunday nights when nothing seems whole. i try to wash away your fears and show you everything will be okay. that somehow, we will make it to that dream in our head. im having trouble standing, keeping my head up high. i feel im slipping down...down...down.

he sings to me about the end of the world. even in the most weakest moments, there is this place where he can run to find his strength. i wish i had that. my own sorrow is killing me from the inside. but i dont dare turn to my love. she has her own sorrows and mine will only speed up the process of her being ran dry. this is mine.

words cant explain, just the sound of this piano running through my head, pounding out this misery and letting it fall like rain. And All That Could Have Been....

hold me my love
hold me

mood   //   Depressed music   //   Nine Inch Nails - Gone, Still

Not much to say.
Everyone was off doing something today so I got to spend my day at home.
Did some laundary.
Took a bath.
Listened to music.

*hits head on keyboard*

i feel so hollow

mood   //    blank music   //   Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been

It's been quite some time since I last updated this thing, so I thought it was about time I give you guys an update so to speak. I've been working at Blockbuster pretty steadily, and when not there, I've been with Jenn. I love her so much, it's almost ridiculous. Just each time I'm in her arms, I find this place, so far away from everything, just me... just her.
Sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through.
She is heaven.

Music is going. Music is not going. Music is...
Matt and me have been jamming quite a bit over the last few days, just making a bunch of riffs to make a song out of, but since Parkin went to Vegas to see that whore named Kim, we didn't get to play...again. Gibbons started working on vocal lines for the song we had just recently finished. It's going to be sweet, cause he's going to go very experimental with his screams this time around. We've been analyzing so many different singers, with so many different screams, and I think we found the right direction for him.
Why does Brandon look like the singer of As I Lay Dying?

I saw Skyler a few days ago at work which was cool since we don't hang out anymore. He was with Garren and Garren's girlfriend (I always forget her name). But we just sat and talked about music, Harry Potter and not too much else. We were going to hang out that night, but by the time it was 1:00 am, I just wanted to crash. The other guys want to hang out with as well, but I don't think he likes to.
Oh well, maybe I'll see him some other day.

*fuck your god your lord your christ he did this took all you had and left you this way stood away never strayed never taste of the fruit and never thought to question why*

So it was 4th of July weekend, and my father came home. I knew from the moment he walked into the door, that something was wrong with him. I'm not sure what the hell is going on in his life, but he seriously was an ass the whole time he was here. He just had the empty, cold look on his face as he stammered from room to room attempting to "get things done". I kept my distance from him, since I feel really uncomfortable when he looks like that. Anywho, things were okay for the most part, but Sunday, something happened between him and my mom and they both just lost it. They were crying and screaming from within their room. I couldn't really tell what was going on, but my Dad came out of the room and I figured they were done.

So anywho, I head to the bathroom to wash my hair, and I have my head under the faucet when I hear two pounds on the door. So I turn off the water to go open the door, but by the time I look up, the door comes cracking open. My dad slams the door right open, still locked off course, cracking the door frame. I'm sitting on the edge of the tub, my hair still dripping and no shirt, and he just freaks out at me. Thankfully he wasn't physical with me, because frankly, I wouldn't have let him touch me, I'm big enough to take him down. But anywho, to make a long story short, me and my sister are the cause of our parents misery and my dad went back to Denver.

I am suppose to work midnight till like 4am tonight, but I really don't want to, so I think i'm going to call my boss and tell her I'm not coming. But here's the great news, Jenn doesn't work today, so we get to spend the day together *squeels*. I love her so much. Okay, that's all, time to stop this rambling.

mood   //    thoughtful music   //   Vacant - Tapeworm

I found a bowl, so all is well within the world..... this is the reason I play music. This feeling right now.

Listen to "Tourniquet (Prosthetic Dance Mix long version)" and this is how I always feel when I'm high. Like...this is my soundtrack to smoking weed. It's so strange to look at it like that. It seems almost like this world of ours, is not much more than some one else's film. We are not living lives, but acting roles....

Anywho, that's it. I'm going to go play guitar for a while

mood   //    high music   //   Rares and B - Tourniquet (Prosthetic Dance Mix long version)

Jenn is still in Idaho.
Skyler is headed to LA to "try-out" for Ozzfest.
Brandon has left Utah to see his dying Grandfather.
Matt ain't coming down.
Richie works till 8pm.

wow. i'm a looser.

Actually, the weather has been quite nice lately, it's given me alot of time to chill and think about alot that's going on. I've attempted to mix our demo some more, but I can't stand working on it for more than an hour or two. I got 3 of the 5 tracks done. Ya know what I realized, actually I didn't realize it, Gibbons did.

I've become the one who doesn't care. I mean, through out the last few years, I've always been optimistic and positive music, but I guess everyones either pesistimisitc or just lack of caring has conditioned me into the same. Gibbon's and I talked a few days ago about all the changes that have to happen, and I have to agree. There's alot of nothing anymore.

Today I am Emo. I should sell my guitar for some flowers.

Or better yet, I should be hXc and let my sadness turn into rage and just be mad.

WAIT. I should be "gothic" and slit my wrists :P

Okay. I'm done.

mood   //    blah music   //   HIM - Dark Sekret Love

Jenn is leaving to Idaho for a week, and while I'm sad about it, I know this is going to be really good for her writing, and hopefully I can take some time to get some music done.

Well, I've spent the weekend hanging out with Jenn mainly, but we went to Parkin's one night for a good old night of drinking, smoking, just hanging out and having a good time. I didn't drink, cause I was driving, but everyone was soooo drunk; but so happy, it was just sweet as hell. I can't remember a time when everyone was so blissfully fucked. Jenn got sick from taking far too many shots, so we left kinda early, but it was okay. I'd rather her get home safe where she can fall asleep than be wasted in a strange house.

I got my act together on re-mixing this "demo" of ours, and the results are sounding pretty nice. You can hear the newest, and hopefully last mix of "For Glory" pretty soon. I'll post a link on this update. But I'm going to get the 4 other songs perfected and then we'll actually have something decent to use to promote us.

So Skyler where are ya? I don't hear from you any more or anything. It's like you just got up and joined a whole nother life...again. Don't get yourself in anything you may regret. Running backwards normally leaves you to trip... you know of what I speak.

Funny shit is on Myspace... I nearly fall out of my chair in laughter at some of the "bands" on there. It's even funnier when people blantly rip off the names of other musicians.

OH! I'm starting up a new musical project with a whole bunch of guys from other SLC local bands. It's going to be a huge piece industrial metal act. I mean, totally non-serious, but serious at the same time. Like we aren't going to try to take the music anywhere, just play fucking sweet shit. It kinda started from talking about Mushroomhead, and then the concept of NIN's keyboard players. And now we have this full on band being put together. It's going to be sweet, but I have no idea how we are going to fit that many people on a stage *laughs*

2 Guitarists (one of which does keys), Bass Player, Drummer, Keyboardist, Keyboardist/Percussionist, Singer

That's SEVEN people in a band. With up to 3 synths going at once and still having drums, bass and guitar going too. It's going to be wacky. I'm hyped. I figure, Sklyer has his M2G and even then, don't hear from him anymore. I guess it's one of those things where if I need to talk to him, I'll call him. And Matt works all week. So I'm left bored off my ass. At least this band is something I can easily adapt to and will be able to play some wicked shows with. Since some of the members are from other local bands, we have the ability to open at In The Venue! Oh, and we got a guy who does sweet local recordings offering us some free time to make a cd once we got a few songs. Andy Patterson rules. He recorded both Piloit This Plane Down and Day of Less' new stuff. He normally does hardcore bands, but the way he records will be sweet to add the industrial part to it.

Anywho, that's it. I need sleep.

mood   //    chipper music   //   for glory (version)

... This last week has brought the most happiness i've felt in years. It's strange how everything just falls into place so perfectly, and how; no matter how hard things get, there is always a way to work things out. I guess I just needed a few seconds of air....

Last night, Jenn stayed the night. I can't think of the last time I slept so deeply, so wonderfully. It's so amazing to spend the whole evening with her, talking to her as we both fall deeper into sleep. Light kisses here...and there. It's just so surreal, I'm so lucky.

Music, been jamming on this new stuff all week long, sorta out what works, what doesn't. We got an idea floating around for a way to end a new song, but to GET to that part needs something. Oh well, I'm sure we'll figure it out. We gotta start brainstorming ideas on a band name again, because once we finish this song, we'll only have another song till we should begin playing again. But by that time, I want to invest in a backdrop that we can take with us anywhere, so in any place, we play infront of our little set. It just gives a really professional look to bands on stage, and I think we could make something sweet. Maybe some stage lighting .... nah, not till we have more money, and bigger stages. Wait, maybe a strobe or two :P that's all.

Haven't worked all week, bought a half with Gibbons, I came home with pretty much all of it, and made a small bong named llyod, filled him with ice I did. Listened to cool tunes, then jammed out cool tunes. I wanna suggest to the guys that we play a few of our songs a smudge faster than normal. Like, not insanely fast, but just more. i dunno, playing Against The Rule like that would be crazy. Fast riffs with lots of stops everywhere at fast tempos? It would be sweet and chaos. *evil laughter*

So yes, thus concludes this segment. Ta ta.

mood   //    high music   //   Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile

Seems like I can only make you happy for just a short amount of time. But when I'm gone, it all comes back and hits you in the face. I really feel like I've let you down in someway, that I could have been the one to prevent this. Maybe if I wasn't gone, maybe if I could have heard your voice. I've let you down my love...i'm sorry.

I feel like no matter how hard I try, no matter how far I go, I'm still going to "fall short".

"please...take this....and run far away, far away from free. I am tainted"

I love you Jenn, but what good am I if you still feel that way you do. You deserve better than this...better than me.

*hits head on table*

mood   //    sad music   //   Nine Inch Nails - And All That Could Have Been