Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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6:16 pm - Travel
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After the events of the meeting, Sir Islands decided to test Alucard's loyalty in a trip to Romania. Holmwood will come with us to 'check everything is fine'.
I am not happy to leave my country and home, but orders are orders. Besides there's certain matters that are more urgent to take care of now.
I hope I can have a word with Lt. Victoria, I haven't seen her in days.
current mood:  cynical
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Thursday, October 23rd, 2003
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4:56 am - Hangover
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*awakes after drinking too much brandy*
My head...
*grabs her forehead*
Can't remember clearly what happened last night clearly
*sighs and puts her glasses on, watched the way she's dressed*
...
God! Why I am with a nightgown?! I should be in my pajamas?!
*touches something with her hand and turns to see Alucard sleeping in her bed*
God... what did I do last night?!
*eyes widen and becomes alarmed*
current mood:  drunk
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Wednesday, October 15th, 2003
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10:37 pm - Blood and movies
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Alucard is ill. I don't know what he has, but he has been coughing blood. I blame that blasted Coppola's movie version of his book.
I would have never thought it will come a day that I should be corcern for his health, after all he's quite dead!
Perhaps I should ask Mircea to pay him a visit and have a brother to brother (or vampire to vampire talk).
I don't know how I am supposed to face him after... what happened.
Oh, changing topics about the movies, I have discovered the female characters normally are weak willed and loud (in the screaming for help way, not shouting orders), and the most colorful plots based in Stoker's book.
current mood: numb
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Monday, October 13th, 2003
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5:28 am - Recovery
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I am feeling much better now... In body...
My mind is a calidoscope, not to mention my... feelings? I never thought I have those before. Or perhaps I did and I chose to forget?
current mood:  confused
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Saturday, October 11th, 2003
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2:24 am - Betrayal
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*sits on the medical wing's bed*
So I am here. Again.
*frowns and grits her teeth*
Because a vampire of course, but not any undead, but someone I used to trust with my life.
*closes her eyes in determination*
What he did, I shall not forgive or forget. Ever. If it wasn't for Seras, I don't want to think what would have happened!
I have put seals on this room so he can't come in. And once I feel better I will seal him off just like my father did, I much prefer to face these vampires on my own than with his help.
current mood: irate
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Monday, October 6th, 2003
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10:59 pm - New vampires in the city
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So I have met Lord Ruthven in yesterday's party, he is the always charming ladies bloodsucker gentleman. I loathe that. If he believes he can impressed me so easy, boy he's wrong. I don't know why her Majesty allowed these vampires to pass over our beloved lands without any harm.
*puts chin on her fists*
Now I am here waiting inside my office until Mircea decides to pass by. I hope Alucard gave him my message, I wish to speak and meet him in person.
current mood:  bored
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3:49 am - Party
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Well, I am amazed Alucard manage to act decent today. I hope this trend continues for sometime.
Now I am here siting alone in this boring party and neither Sir Penwood or Sir Islands came to keep me company. Alexander and Amelia are in Wales in a protocolar mission so I can't indulge with them either.
*sighs*
I just hope I don't have to face Lord Greenwood or Lord Avon after the suitor fiasco.
*sits and watches distateful the whole thing*
current mood: frustrated
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Saturday, October 4th, 2003
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8:45 pm - Bad night!
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One of these days I will lock him in the cell just to have a peaceful night for a change.
Alucard behaved like a cretin again! Jesus, can't he let me alone for a while? He takes advantage of my weakness. Hmp...
Oh the worse is that I made him cry. He seems serious and I can't bloody believe his little brother put some sort of curse on me.
*snorts*
Spell like a faery tale. Sure.
I am drained between work and the recovery. Bugger Alucard for a while!
current mood:  tired
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12:57 pm - Flashes of the past...
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I've remembered something relate to a nightmare that made me really angry with Alucard. And some brief flashes of the last night in his cell.
*rests chin on her fists*
Then what he said was the truth? But I've searched my feelings and I found only an emotional void. I know I am cold, but that void wasn't there before the attack.
In other news I gave Lt. Victoria files and books related to Alucard's past.
current mood:  pensive
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Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
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11:55 pm - Amnesia
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::twitch::
I hate this. I am inside this horrible room depending of this devices and nurses to attend my needs. It makes me feel so useless and fragile. I loathe this weakness so much.
So acording to Dr. Trevallian I have experience among other things a temporally loss of some recent memories. He said they will come back eventually if they don't is because an area of my brain must have been damaged. Great, simply what I need now!
But the worse is the internal bleed in my uteral zone, if that not cease they must extract it in order to assure my survival. That means I cannot bear children anymore... This is an urgent matter I shall discuss with the knights and her Majesty, they will be displeased with the turn of the events.
Alucard stayed the whole time until I opened my eyes, this has happened before... but the look in his eyes and the way he treated me it was different. And I dislike it. Very much, he was standing too close. He muttered something that his brother did it and that Varney helped me, my head hurts when I tried to remember what happened.
Apparently now is time for a 'walk' and the nurse will be leading me to the garden with the wheelchair. Uhmp I wish to come back to my office as soon as possible and continue my duty as always.
*nurses helps her to sit on the wheelchair and leads her away*
current mood: sick
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Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
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7:55 pm - About tears and engagement
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I almost never cried or even shed a tear, much less in public that will show weakness, something I loathe.
But after what happened all these months; my army destroyed, the good name of my family ruined in the very eyes of the population and my own staying in the jail; it was, although I don't want to admit it, a low blow to my pride.
I foolishly believe after my realesement I could make the things back as before, I am working in the army but the things did change and I think is for the worse. The most disturbing the center of this change is my relationship with my servant.
*looks uncomfortable*
It all started with his offers of immortality, not to bite me but give me his blood... That was just when I came out of my operation. Then he started to teased me in another more closer way, a few hungry kisses now and them I thanked (when I actually thought with my brain and now with my hormones) with a glare, a sneer and a slap, mostly because he caught me unarmed.
Then was that bloody nightmare, I wont re tell it but let's just say it was related to his 'before the capture' self and myself. It was hardly innocent.
All those things were born mostly out of lust, desire and his twisted games, he most likealy play with Victoria as well... But the rules have changed.
Yesterday, after I gave him my ice rule treatment, he went away for a couple of hours, then returned and started to behaved most strange.
After he brought me the cup of tea, I decided to return the favor and discovered he had some bad dreams and I actually get to comfort him. He then acted too strange, the whole atmosphere was surreal and I acted strange was well... There's no words to describe what I felt in that moment.
*sighs and massages temples*
I actually did confess something and wasn't taken seriously nor our relationship changed, and it was surprisingly his recommendation.
I don't know why I did take it so bad, I think I just reached a limit of pression, frustration, betrays until I actually break. I almost cry. Almost. Of course it didn't last now I am better and strangly I feel... nothing, an emotional void.
*readjucts her glasses to see better*
That was yesterday and shall be forgotten in an obscure part of my mind.
Now to today's news:
I am engaged.
Yes, within a year I shall marry someone of my choice, I still have to choose the lucky one. I just came back from the Queen social gatherings of suitors and lords Islands, Greenwood and Stirling asound like decent candidates. I am not in love with any of them of course, but these are politics no personal feelings involved and after yesterday I couldn't care less about what I feel. Love is for fools and weaks and I don't want to be either.
current mood:  apathetic
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Monday, September 29th, 2003
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3:30 am - Nightmares...
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I cannot even think straigth right now...
What started like a somehow innocent dream about the XIX ended up being a horrible nightmare
...
There's no words...
I was so disturbed thinking it was my creation, but of course it wasn't me, but he the guilty one. And the fiend actually didn't deny it.
I am too upset now, I am having thoughts about strengthing the seals so I could control him better. I don't care what impact it might have on my health, but his behavior has been really worrisome and this trend cannot continue anymore. I wont let him win this game.
current mood: pissed off
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Saturday, September 27th, 2003
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4:51 am - Discoveries
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According to Sir Varney, not the most trusthworthy source but that's all we got, these artificial vampires are now focusing their attacks in the families linked to infamous No Life Kings. The Bannerworths have been attacked, I have confirmed this. Some mysterious savior came to help the family, he was the spitting image of the man that used to be they swore enemy and ancestor.
I have talked with some of the Seward descendants and they are alright, also I have found out that the Holmwoods are really young Aubrey's descendants, therefore they must be under Lord Ruthven's wing. Now I have to talk with the Harkers and the Morris.
*sighs*
Too much social gatherings today. I am bloody tired
Yesterday, talking about the heir issue, came out my health as a topic.
As bonus the almost-full moon, made Alucard acted even more annoying and did an amusing yet disturbing trick and some cryptic past references. I don't know what to think about this whole sudden deja vu about his 'good old days'. Should I be worried regarding the return to his old bad habits?
*takes off glasses and rubs eyes*
Tonight is full moon, I am tired and I am just started certain female cycle that makes me even more irritable than usual. Is better not to cross Alucard for now, he can be quite impredictable when my cycle just fall in full moon.
*changes into her pajamas, says her prayers and goes to sleep early*
current mood: tired
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Thursday, September 25th, 2003
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3:31 pm - New faces...
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I just came back from my date with Maximillian and Amelia Islands. They are both pleasant people to talk with, specially Max, even with my lack of sense of humor he actually almost made me laugh with a comment about Sir Stregan's whereabouts. Amelia pointed out the Queen had been restless about the Hellsing's heir issue the months I was locked in the cell. I am uncertain about what to feel of the subject.
Yesterday, I met one of Alucard's old 'friends', Sir Francis Varney. He offered his help in discovering the ones behind the FREAK's attacks.
I am also having one of my rare heart to heart talks with Victoria, something unthinkable months ago. While or relationship didn't start well I think it has improved. I am concern for her state, after all she's the only remaning soldier of Hellsing and I must look after all my subordinates as any good leader does.
current mood: contemplative
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Tuesday, September 23rd, 2003
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11:11 pm - Mixed feelings...
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I have talked with Alucard again... He's still in his weird trend and worse, I think is starting to affect me as well...
*deep sigh*
I feed him with my blood, not once but twice.
Why I did such things is beyond me.
*shakes head*
Then I got to ask some questions that made me reflected about my past, present and future and his fate as well... He's after all my responsability, and perhaps one of the most important parts of being a Hellsing is to keep him in check...
Oh and discovered several disturbing things
Overall, he still dared to have forbidden liberties with me again shame I don't share his sense of humor at all...
Walter where are you? I really need your advices in the matter. Before I turn into a necrophile and he in a pedophile
current mood: moody
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Monday, September 22nd, 2003
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6:10 pm - I feel sick...
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3:47 am - Uhmm
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Sunday, September 21st, 2003
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8:07 pm - Last night in the cell
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Her Majesty already apologized by the problems me and my organization have to face. I don't blame her, of course. Is not the Queen's fault that my fellow knights were acting as backstabbing traitors. The only ones that are supporting me are Sir Islands and Sir Penwood, God bless their souls.
*sighs*
I've to keep a low profile and reconstruct my organization again, also find the bastard that is behind all this and tear him (or her) in pieces. Walter is in the hospital (much to my relief he's alive), I haven't heard a word of Sergeant Victoria.
The another source of my changrin is Alucard. He recently came to visit me and started asking probing questions again. Also, he displayed some peculiar behavior towards me. I hope this is the result of a post-battle reaction and he comes back soon as the regular smirking scary looking vampire he is. Giving me seductive looks is just plain wrong.
Also I suspected he did something to me when I was sleeping. He better hope I never find out >: (
*sits on the bed alone waiting for the morning to arrive*
current mood:  relieved
current music: Only silence inside my cell
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