words never spoken


//food service girl //15 Jan 2004//
// mood // anxious
// music // the ataris//i.o.u. one galaxy

No I can't forget this evening,
Or your face as you were leaving,
But I guess that's just the way the story goes...

You always smile but in your eyes your sorrow shows;
- Yes it shows.


 the rules of attraction 


I can't live if living is without you.
1 r [damaged]

//you're the brightest star shining in my sky; //31 Dec 2003//
// mood // anxious
// music // fall out boy//switchblades & infidelity

it's like every wish i ever made came true,
the day i woke up lying next to you.

gave you this i.o.u. today -
it said 'good for one galaxy'.
once i build my rocket to the stars,
we'll fly away just you & me.

//17 Aug 2003//
// mood // crappy
// music // Metallica

it's so easy not to notice us drifting apart;
3 r [damaged]

//20 Jul 2003//
i just called you and i was hoping i'd have the guts to ask you to talk in person, but i didn't. so now i'm gonna go get dressed and put on too much makeup and call you again and you're gonna come pick me up and it's gonna be really awkward because i'm not gonna know what to say and you're gonna be able to tell that somethings not quite right. and then after random bullshit chat and a lot of heavy silences you'll ask me whats wrong again. and then i won't be able to take it anymore. i'll get uncomfortable in my chair and turn a telling shade of white. and that's when you'll know. you'll know that i wasn't ready for this. that i don't know how to do the things you want. to be what you thought i was. you'll know that in my mind it was already over. maybe before it began. and then maybe i'll cry and i'll tell you that i still wanna be your friend. and you'll get angry at yourself. and at me. and you'll start to head for my house. you can't be near me anymore. i've betrayed you. you should have seen it coming. you shouldn't have cared so much. and then i'll sit there. with tears in my eyes and another boy on my mind. i apologize again when we're almost at my house. i didn't mean for things to happen like this. i just wasn't ready. i don't think i ever will be. i don't have the heart. i don't have the mind. i don't have what it takes to be the one. and when we pull into my driveway i'll ask you if i can see you again. you'll nod and try to smile, but the look in your eyes will say it all. i can't be a part of your life again. not for a very long time. i'll watch you drive away. drive out of my life. and i'll start to wonder if i made the right decision. you'll be in tears on the drive home and i'll know it and me knowing will make you even angrier. so when you're home you'll be as confused as i've been and you'll wonder what you did wrong. and as i'm laying alone in my room i'll have the sudden urge to call you and take it all back. but no. i can't. because it will only happen again. maybe i am a heartbreaker. but i never ever meant to hurt you. never. i really want to be your friend, but i don't know how to be your girlfriend...

i'm sorry.
1 r [damaged]

//18 Jul 2003//
// mood // crushed
// music // Poison The Well//Pieces Of You In Me

you're telling me it's so hard.
that i'm not what you thought.
thought that i would be.
but little did you know.
that i can turn around and leave.
and now looking back i've realised that i've lost nothing.
see your face.
watching me.
as I walk away.
leaving you behind.
you can't tell me that i'm wrong for doing this.
just add me to your list.
pretend you won this game.
i'm walking out as i walked in.
or maybe better.
but atleast just the same.
god i'll miss that face.

2 r [damaged]

//14 Jul 2003//
// music // Poison The Well//Pieces Of You In Me

oh beautiful, your lips taste of red.
13 r [damaged]

//13 Jul 2003//

//13 Jul 2003//
// mood // crappy

I don't want another broken heart. So why does he do this? I just don't understand why he'd say he loves me then ugh. I'm getting attached way too fast again. And falling for everyone. Shoot me. I have another crush. Which is ever so TOPSECRET. & I never thought I'd like him like this. I just want to see him so bad. I want a boy who won't break me. I'm tired of that.

1 r [damaged]

//11 Jul 2003//
// mood // crazy
// music // josh's music

and it's just like you to ruin something so fucking beautiful.

and it's just like you to walk out and break my fucking heart all over again.

and what can i do about it? absolutely nothing. because we were playing your game all along. and you knew i was guarunteeed to lose.

you make me ache like i never have before.

and you ruin everything that matters. over and over just for some ego trip for you. when i wake up i'm empty, and it doesn't change. you got me here. you made me this way. you broke me 'til i was nothing. the least you could do is to try and put me back together. i know this heart can't be mended, so don't bother with that. you smashed it like a fucking mirror. & that's just too many pieces for this girl to be whole again.

when the morning breaks i'm dead.

and he's filling me with feelings from years ago. i've missed that.


//7 Jul 2003//
// mood // crushed
// music // I Hate Myself//Less Than Nothing

60 watts: brighter than my future,
An empty forty: fuller than my life,
There must be more, sometimes I don't think so,
Maybe I'm right.
Maybe there's no such thing as a brighter side.
A sultry night, stare at moons from rooftops,
A broken engine, poisoned, never dry,
I pour my heart out
To a god that doesn't listen,
You said you'd save me.
You said you'd love me always, but you lied.
And I can't dry my eyes
There's nothing left inside,
One day. The day. The day that I said I,
My heart inside was cold,
So that you didn't know,
So all and you, you won't love me at all,
The leaves come down,
There is no sound,
And if I fall, would you notice at all?
The thought of me repulses me,
But you'd say you took me anyway.
I am so alone on a corroded city rooftop,
I saw you walking, you didn't say anything,
You always told me that you'd never stop loving me,
But you stopped before you started
And now all I have is lies.
What am I gonna be?
Who am I gonna be?
And now that I feel lost,
Well I wish that you had grown
While I bleed all alone,
The falling rain is what is left for me,
We’re gonna be,
What's left for me?
What is there to learn?
There is less than nothing,
I thought you'd be, be there for me...
You weren't there, you weren't anywhere.
And I have nothing,
And I am nothing,
I’m piss,
I’m shit,
I am less than nothing.
3 r [damaged]

//6 Jul 2003//
// mood // high
// music // boy talk

beauty's grace;

broken by the way you looked at me
how could you take it back
you promised you'd forever love me
you lied, again, & broke my heart

//20 Apr 2003//
// mood // apathetic
// music // Smashing Pumpkins//Aeroplane Flies High

You see the world in Black
Well, you're angry at the world. For reasons who knows, but you definately hate life.

disconnected by your smile.

//20 Apr 2003//
// mood // awake
// music // Tool//Third Eye

So good to see you once again, I missed you so much.

Richie wants to enter me in a modelling competition.

I have a borderline personality disorder, plus bi-polar.

& I hate how low these jeans sit on my hips.

4 r [damaged]

//8 Apr 2003//
// mood // amused
// music // My Ruin//Miss Ann Thrope

I'm way addicted to cigarettes.

They're gonna kill me.

In 40 years time.

3 r [damaged]

//20 Feb 2003//
// mood // sore
// music // Jack Off Jill//Witch Hunt

I leave for University this monday coming. I'll be living with Richie. I have almost everything packed. & I HAVE A COMPUTER. wee. But I'm not sure if I will have the internet right away. Hopefully I won't be away from Miss Alex for too long. =( My mother gave me $1000. There's a lot I can do with that. Like, get the internet?

1 r [damaged]

//16 Feb 2003//
2 r [damaged]

//9 Feb 2003//
eating people

what's YOUR deepest secret?

//5 Feb 2003//
// mood // content
// music // Glassjaw//Lovebites & Razorlines

conor oberst
conor oberst (bright eyes): you and conor are
moodily intense. go to a corner and cry
together, pansies!


//5 Feb 2003//
// mood // uncomfortable
// music // Her Space Holiday//Famous To Me

Your friends think I'm 'cool'? Your friends have problems.

& yeah, I'm over it.


//21 Jan 2003//
// mood // sad
// music // TheSpeedOfPain//Marilyn Manson

I call. I call I call I call. And you're never there to answer. You're always out driving that fucking car. Or doing something more important than talking to me. Which is everything. Don't you love me? Is that it? Because I don't understand this. Am I suffocating you? Yeah, that would be a good excuse. But that was all you ever wanted in the first place. Or maybe it's because this is becoming too real too fast. And you've decided that you don't want it anymore. And why do you call her my girlfriend when you know she's not and that all I want is you. You could say you're joking or being sarcastic, but I know that voice is completely sincere. Is this your way of getting me to go? Would you rather be with someone else? I guess I couldn't blame you if you would. Any girl is better than me, right? And it's not like you'd be the first to run off with another, and break my heart. In fact, you were the only one that hadn't left so far. I'm sorry that I made you sad. But it seems I do that to every boy though, even when I don't mean to. I just wanted you to love me. And when you said you did, I believed you. Don't break my heart now. Not when you're everything...

3 r [damaged]

// rewind//