04:55pm 29/04/2012
mood: accomplished
Ok, it's been a while... Currently i'm with melissa... For about a yr not... Not quite yet but still... Awesome...

I missed u guys, forgot my password for a bit but today I figured it out so... Yay

Ummm i'm happy n i'm doin good, have a fb now

I think anyway
     Read 2 - Post
Explosion Shatter Dust   
02:05pm 04/04/2010
mood: dying
music: Eve 6 - Here's To The Night
Apologies, the life that breaths deceit.
The logical mindset of madmen breeds fools.
Timeless, the absence of existance is pure.
Find nothing and then find more.

It all is as it is, as it was, im unhealthy. I'm weak. All broke today. I broke today. I want no more, to breath, to live, to exist. Everyone tries to make it better, but none try to keep me sane. Im lost, forever in the endless pit of life, thus to climb out there is only one solution.

A i love must vanish with me. Disappear into the darkness that is heaven. Burried at my side, they're end is my hands cause. Releif of such a burden can be matched only with the lies that flood, or the shouts of anger that humanity thunders against me. And me... ever calm... then on fire with rage, now desolate and empty like the winds that wither time.

Envy not who has fallen but that which was left behind. Destroy no more lest that which has been destoryed will repeat. The song that echoed now lies silent and the wingbeats that pounded once so heave smooth to a stop. Luster is lost in the mind and that which is remembered dies with time.

I urge those who understand the fallen lives to understand deeper the causes of their destruction. If only blame were not placed but understanding, then, within those moments all could be realized and peace could be had. I am not great, nor do I claim to be. Instead I am just as you are... know that, and find in urselves that which makes me. Do not look down or put down those u dont understand, instead try to grasp their mindset and see through eyes anew. Do not let anger flood u such as I have today. It consumes and destroys the heart and leaves devastation in its wake. Allow instead the soft whisper of a loves pure name to escape your lips and forgiveness witll be found. For anyone who has or will have tendencies... don't hate.

It seems I must close a chapter in my life that was once open. It seems i must end more than I expected could be stopped. I cannot live on with constant pain. I cannot live on to support those loved with constant threats and evil glares for doing the things that I enjoy. Being there for others, no matter in what form.... thats what i love... thats what i wish to do... but as i do, i am evil.

There is no way to be more, i have tried. There is no way to be good enough for something that holds no bounds, such as the faces and hearts of those I know. Those who read this, you are one of them.

How can one be expected to surpass expectations when none are given, or to save a dying heart when the heart that saves is splattered, a smear of paint on a page so large not even the eyes of gods could view it. That, on its own is fine, because that heart, however small and unseen, still beat at one time.

The button has been pushed. The plan which i devised has been set into motion. Moments pass and I will seem fine. Then each burdens weight will force the buckle, causing the already tipping dominoes to tumble. One by one they fall bring the end of the line.

When all is done, some will be absent. I will be one, but forever will be forgotten the things I have done.
     Read 5 - Post
hmmm its been a while   
04:38am 22/02/2010
music: ngMenu
Well my browser is down... for all u that tried to add me to facebook.. IM REALLY SORRY... i cant check my email i cant check my comments.. im pretty much screwed till the end of the month...

the last entry about my ex... well today i found out she died 2 weeks eh? I've gotta make a trip to nd now... fly out n keep a promise i made years ago.

toby n i had a falling out... i feel terrible... i didnt know she still felt like a pagan... she had told me she only joined it because it was the closest thing she could find to what she believed.... n i guess i misunderstood somewhere when she was talking about "faries" n not belivingin in them...

I met some new friends...n i got in touch with an old one... its been good... I REALLY HOPE THIS POSTS... cause it hasnt been wanting to either... sob... arg... fugger...

for all u guys lookin for me im on icq again...

Desc: Icq chat
port: 6668
group: ICQ

just type /msg daggerwolfie Then type ur message here... if im on ill get it n answer u back.. be sure to tell me who u are though... cause i get pervs that msg me alot....

so yeah.. short n sweet because i dunno if this ones gonna post either... but i miss u guys... ALOT ur such sweethearts... the blurty client.. *GRINS* we can only hope...
     Read 4 - Post
Ok... I'll start from the begining... not quite the begining, but after my internet relationship (which also went badly)   
07:39pm 08/02/2010
mood: depressed
music: Primitive Radio Gods - Standing Outside a Broken Phonebooth with Money in My Hand
Alright. When asked I give... and i give fully. Steph, *hugs* here goes...

Alright. Megan, she says very hurtful things, screams at me, just screams and doesn't bother to care what i feel, she is very angry at me. She wasn't always like that... i did that to her. You can say I didn't, anyone can. But i know better. She was filled with love and she truly believed that together we could do anything, they all do. You see, I'm a person who is something no one has seen before. I know that. Gurls and guys alike get drawn in like moths to a flame, n then they get burned badly. I'm constantly caught between to extreams, and although many may promise and believe with all their hearts that they will be fine and happy with me... they never are... and no matter how much i warn or tell them... they can't bring themselves to believe it.

This is how it goes. This is roughly the conversation... the actual conversation as it went may have had a bit different wording... but the jist of it is there... thats over 6 years ago now.

The day I told megan I loved her, I had commitment issues, i had a hard time trusting. Partially because of my ex that had tried to kill me (yes, she left with an i love you and im sorry I just can't handle you too), and partially because i feared i may do that to someone else, drive them to that point. I don't know how I do it or why it happens. With shay (the gurl that tried to kill me), .... she lost it in this conversation...

Sha : "alright let's just get the laundry done and head out" (we were going to her parents house)
Me : "no I think i'm just going to stay home. I really don't feel good"
Sha : "you can't stay here all alone"
Me : "yeah, i can, I'll probably just sleep, besides the cats can use some company"
Sha loads up another basket of laundry and takes it out to my grandfathers car which he had let us borrow since hers was broken ... she had been in an accident...
She came back
Sha : I really want you to come with me. I love you. It's just not the same without you.
Me : Well I don't feel good and i really can't deal with your family this weekend. I always feel so akward around them. I just want to rest.
Sha : well you know you can't stay here. What if someone sees you (
Me : Yeah, but it's not like i'm going anywhere. I'm just going to crash out. I really don't feel good, feel my head... u can always tell when i have a fever.
She felt my head. I had a fever.
Sha : You do have a fever. .... paused
Me : i really don't feel good, i told u *smile* I love you.
Sha : I Love you too but you're going. I'm not leaving you here alone.
Me : Why? Then i'll go to my grandparents house. I really can't take being at your parents this weekend (her family and mine lived about 3 blocks away from each other)
Sha : because i want you there.
Me : why?
Sha : because i miss you when you're gone. I want you with me.
Me : i understand that but I'll just be sleeping the whole time anyhow... and I'd rather not deal with all that.
Sha : fine, fuck you. You fucking stay here.
Me : what's wrong? I'm sorry, if you want me to go I'll go. It's fine with me.
Sha : NO you fucking stay here then i dont give a fuck anymore. Do what you want.
Me : ok...
Sha : NO you know what you're going. You can sleep in my old room. It's not a big fucking deal. I'm not going to put my family aside for you.
Me : I'm not asking you to. I just don't wanna be there.
Sha : Lets just go, this is fucking ridiculous. You always do this. You always pull this bullshit.
Me (as we're leaving and locking up): what bullshit? What am i doing? I don't understand.
Sha : What the fuck what bullshit. THIS bullshit. The shit that you're doing right now.
Me : what am i doing. Please explain it to me,... (i was REALLY sick and my head was spinning) not wanting to go to your familys place?
Sha was carring the last laundry basket to the car. I followed, we were going to pick up my grandpa n drive back to new england. She put it in the back. Then closed the hatch of the station wagon.
She turned to me.
Sha : Why are you such a fucking bitch.
Me :well i'm sorry if i upset you I just didn't feel like *got punched in the face*
Sha: get in the fucking car.
Me : I sighed and looked at her. No tears... nothing... didn't even feel a thing. "why did you hit me"
Sha went into the house... with an I forgot something get in the car.
Me : I thought about cutting... but didn't. I did however take out a knife and just look at it. I wouldn't have cut myself.. i hadn't for over a year and I didn't plan on starting again. Just something about them calms me down. Just holding them. fumbling really n knowing that i can overcome anything... n taking myself to that numb place...
Sha came back and ripped the passanger door open.
Sha : You wanna cut yourself? You want me to cut you.
She took the knife, and opened it, grabbed me by the wrist, I didn't resist her... i loved her... trusted her with everything i was no matter what state she was in i could never believe anything bad. I looked at her, the hate in her face for me, not knowing what i did wrong. And it was fast... she cut me open... sliced deep, almost cutting fully through tendons, ... i didn't feel a thing. I didn't cry... she threw the knife in the car and stormed off... i shut the door. Looked at my arm and took a deep breath. I remember thinking... asking myself why, what i did wrong... and i couldn't find any reason to have made her be like this... she was always so fun loving, and a free spirit... blood was pouring everywhere in my grandfathers car. I cant drive... i'd have to wait.... sha came back. Yanked the door open and grabbed me by the hair. I didn't fight to stay put, i just sat there, didn't move... n she for some reson couldn't get me out of the car. So she grabbed the door and kicked me in the head. I just moved, laying down out of her way letting her get whatever she had wanted. She had said move when she opened the door.

She climbed ontop of me and pinned my wrists... i didn't fight
Sha : YOu think you're so fucking strong? you can't take me. You're sick. ... she made a move to kiss me, then just got up.
Me : I just sighed, sat up and closed the door and locked it. She went around to the drivers side and said "you fucking bitch now you're in for it." Again, i don't know what i did to piss her off so bad. i didn't say a word... i wasn't scared... maybe she was trying to scare me. I just don't know. Still .
She ripped that door open too, n i got out.
Sha : Comere
Me : No, you're not yourself right now. (in a calm caring voice)
Sha : Get your fucking ass over here now!
My feet instinctivly started running as she started running up to me... but i stopped them, telling myself. She has something to say... and i took a deep breath... n i turned around and sat down at a stop sign.
Me : Okay, lets talk.
Sha : What the fuck is wrong with you.
Me :ME?! I'm bleeding, I'm dizzy, I'm sick... I don't know what's going on. The woman I love is physically attacking me. Honestly. I'm confused, but I'll be alright (i was being honest... if u knew me.. u'd know I'd be fine)
Sha then tried to stomp my head into the ground, tried to break my neck... tried to pull me up and numerous other things. I just tensed up n didn't let her have her way. She got pissed, after stompting the side of my face and kicking me... no tears came... I still didn't feel a single ounce of pain... she left me in the street... I stood up and started walking. I walked to a neighbors house and knocked, that's when it all hit me. Someone i loved so much did that... n i never thought they would... i never imagined it... i never dreamed i could hurt her so bad to make her be like that... she was never like that before me. I didn't do anything except what i thought was right.... then i sucked it up as the neighbor answered the door.

He said : OMG What happened to you.
I said : Oh, *smile* I'm sorry to trouble you... i'm sure I'll be alright. I just need to go to the hospital. (i was loosing alot of blood at that time... it was everywhere... all over my clothes, in the street, in the car... i was getting very dizzy n things were fading in and out... )
Him: wait here... I'm gonna get my keys... he hurried inside and out in less than a minute... then asked, so what happened
Me : My fiance and I got into a fight. She's not normally like this.
Him : WHAT?
Me : I'm really sorry to trouble you this late at night (10:45 about... granpa got off bing at 10:00 n we were about to leave to get him at nine 50... so i estimated). I'm sorry.
Him : Oh, no trouble, i had a friend over, n he's passed out, i had nothing to do anyway. He smiled.
I smiled back. "thank you"
Him : oh no problem.

Sha then pulled up in the car. "GET IN"

Him : is that her.
Me : yeah,
Him : you want me to do something.
Me : No, she's not normally like this, I think something's wrong. Hold on a second. I fell a little bit but caught myself then went to the car.
Sha: get in...(she was very cold)
Me : No, you need to tell me what's wrong...
Him : is everything okay?
Me : yes
He watched...
Sha : get in the fucking car now or i swear I'll hit u with it.
Me : Where are we going
Sha : to the hospital.
Him: is everything alright.
I went over to him.
Me : I think she's comming to her senses... she wants to take me to the hospital and i want to give her the chance to do what's right.
Him : Okay, but u be safe. I'll be looking out for you.
Me : Thank you, you're so sweet, but there's really no need for that. It's my grandfathers car and she's responsible. I smiled and everything got all blury...
I got in the car... the neighbor followed... Sha got pissed and started swerving into traffic, slamming on her breaks... i already don't like riding in cars unless i trust someone not to drive like that... it makes me tense... i don't like it... she then pulled over got out there was a big fight with the neighbor...

Sha : quit fucking following me.
Him : quit driving like a maniac
Me : i just wanted to get out and have everyone relax but i didn't have the strength... so i started to cry cause i felt bad i couldn't help make things right between them. Just because her and I had a falling out didn't mean other people and her couldn't get along. And he was just being helpful so she didn't have to be mad at him.
Sha : Oh you're lucky i have to get to my parents house
Him : you're lucky i don't call the fucking police. If i go home, you better believe that's what I'm doing. Im just making sure you take her where you say you're going to
SHa : I'll tke her wherever i fucking want to take her... you fucking asshole...

Sha got back in the car and started yelling at me. What did you say to him. What teh fuck is wrong with you.
Me : i told him i needed to go to the hospital and that we got into a tiff was all.
Sha : well that mother fucker needs to learn to mind his own business. It's not like you're dead or anything.
Me : yeah (i then stared at the floor as she drove crazy and talked)
Sha : and if that jackass doesn't get off my ass I'm going to take a tire iron after him. Ill bust out his fucking windshield and see how he likes that
Me : Please don't he's just trying to help in his own way.
Sha : i wouldn't have to if you'd just leave people out of our business.

Got to the hospital... they fixed me up and stuck me in the psychward... I told them i did it to myself. Granpa knew better... everyone knew I was lying. They told me to my face. (everyone including the nurses and psychiatrists) But had I opened my mouth she would have went to jail and I don't wish anything bad on anyone. I just hope she learned from her mistakes... I still love her... but i made her go crazy... now that you've seen all that... imagine what she was like before. Always laughing, always cuddling, always warm and kind... and all i was was exactly who I am. Talkative, lively, sweet, never yelled back at her ever... it's only recently i started yelling back... with megan... *sighs* I didn't mean to though... n i hope u all know i kept myself in check for sometimes hours while getting yelled at.... asked nice to have things done... like dishes.... n got screamed at. She got frustrated... It's not her fault. Trust me. She's a good person... her and I are still friends... i just made her crazy... n now she's being herself again and thinking of the good parts of me. Even thinking fondly of the parts that made her crazy before.. like my love of pacing n worrying ... i missed her when she was gone even if it was just to the store... i'd be doing something n every 10 mutes or so id pace back and forth and look out the door egar to see her as if we had been apart forever... im a puppy... i told u...

Now with megan it was different... n i'll get to that... but as for the toby, megan, codi, crisis...
I'm afraid to make anyone lose it like that... i make EVERYONE lose it like that... even when they believe with everything they are that it won't happen to them... it always does. ALWAYS... and i don't know why... maybe my talking, maybe my extreams... I don't know... all i know is they get very very upset... not themselves... nuts... I'm a house body... i like being inside, here, in the country... anywhere that becomes home... and people get sick of it or something... i like walking too.. but not going to dance halls or raves or parties... it's not my thing... im not good with lots of people. I used to cry when megan would go visit her family in wisconsin... why? the first time because i was missing her already n i loved her sooooooo much... after that she came home and told me she had thought about never comming back... all the times after it was cause i would miss her, i loved her, and i was terrified...

now... i like codi alot, but she's a traveler... doesn't like to sit still... im sure her heart is willing to give that all up for me... but it will drive her crazy in the end... and toby.. i love toby to death... but she too would go crazy with me... why? cause she thinks she wont... n that's step one... and megan... i'll still love her to the day i die... i never stop loving. I'm cursed. but im happy to have this curse because i don't mind loving forever.

... I'm really depressed and im going to smoke. I have to. Keep myself going. It kills a little of me with every puff but helps me stay calm. Through all this writing i cried yes... not hysterically... a few tears here and there... but just because it doesn't always come out doesn't mean i'm not feeling on the inside... i just don't show it... not often at least... So... theres much more... after u read this.. comment and i'll write again. Like i've said many times, I'm an open book.

*turns on music finally... primitive radio gods - standing outside a broken phonebooth with money in my hand*
*puts in headphones and sits back*

"I try with all the effort i have, and when i don't think i have anymore strength it comes from nowhere and says lets do this. I can do this. I just have to work harder and i can fix everything. I just have to put my mind to it. And then i jump in... still not knowing how to swim... and drown all over again." --me
     Read 10 - Post
05:08am 08/02/2010
mood: moody
My day to quit, n everything went well up until now. second patch... wanting to smoke oh so bad... i haven't yet but omg do i want to. *WHINES* Toby kept my mind off things for a while... I've been waiting to talk to codi... figure i got her in trouble so i kinda stopped posting comments...

I'm so confused right now. Just when i thought everything was good... It turned out not to me. I really like toby... she's something special. I'd like to give it a try with her. But shit, all these emotions flooding around inside me, spinning and swimming and everything else are holding me back. I keep thinking about megan... not like i should be, but i am. I can't help it, i try and shut it off, try and tell myself all the bad stuff... but then a good memory pops up to combat it.

Toby pulled me out of it... n now she went to bed. So all that joy has disappeared.

Omg i feel so alone. I just want everything to stop. Just for a little bit. If that's not bad enough i mean i have this fucking overwhelming tension in me right now, like im gonna errupt any moment if i dont get a smoke...

ARG it's frustrating. CODI DAMN IT WHERE ARE U? *sighs* Everythings moving so fast... the world has me at a pace i just can't keep up with. Talk about feeling like ur gonna get kicked off the tredmill at any time and thrown through a window... *grumbles*

Ok so i'm back on irc... it's good to be back. The best chat/ im / anything ... at least i always thought so... better than anything i've found so far anyway. Toby set me up on Dalnet... not a fan... miss icq... but hey it's good to have a little one on one time eh? God, those were some good times eh? back in the channels... talkin n chillin... just having brain fun... see it's not called being lazy or a home body.. it's called intellectual stimuli... and or goofing off... a little of both if u ask me, n they are both two in the same. SO... yeah... i encouraged everyone i knew back then to join me... n im doing so now...

SO DOWNLOAD THIS: mIRC (IRC client, old version, new version is a trial that expires... if ur gonna buy though go right ahead)

(this should popup on its own) mIRC Setup (window)
IRC Severs (tab)

Then put this
1 box: select... Random US DALnet server
2 box: ur real name
3 box: ur REAL email
4 box: ur chat nick (no spaces)
5 box: if that names taken what would u wanna be called.

Leave everything else alone n then push ok... just like that ull be logged in...

Now u have a bunch of icons at the top... channels folder means chatrooms u can go to. To go to one that u already know exists type /join #chatroomnamegoeshere, otherwise u can use the JOIN button.

To see if im online type
/PING daggerwolfie (hit enter of course as with any command)

if it says
[daggerwolfie PING reply] given amount of time... im on.. if not sorry not online...

IF I AM ON... u can get ahold by typing this

/msg daggerwolfie YOUR MSG GOES HERE

N that's it... thats all there is and there aint no more... MIRC comes with full help library so have fun... *GRINS* well look at that toby... u side tracked my brain again without even being here... sneaky!

Ok... so yep... that's it... i don't have instant msgr... i cant download them they take too damn long...n i keep getting d/c'd so pffft can't do it. I can't send emails so it's either here or there people n i don't go anywhere else...

I do read on facebook so if u guys wanna add me there its fine... im really tired though n im gonna be passin out here soon. Got something to do first though so blah... see u when i see u.

*walks away with a bounce in her step* CHIM CHIMENY CHIM CHIMENY CHIM CHIM CHEROOO penny is paid where a penny is duuuuuue... chim chimeny chim chimeny chim chim cheree.. no chap is as lucky...
     Read 4 - Post
GOD!!!! ARG ...   
02:30pm 07/02/2010
mood: satisfied
music: the music in my head *GRINS* if only i could download it... *sighs*
OK OK... so life isn't going that great.... i hate this... it sucks... my little brother melo, that son of a bitch got "I am sixteen" stuck in my head and i can't remember all the lyrics so im going crazy... *looks em up*

You wait little girl on an empty stage
For fate to turn the light on
Your life little girl is an empty page
That men will want to write on

To write on...

You are sixteen going on seventeen, baby it's time to think
Better beware, be canny and careful, baby you're on the brink
You are sixteen going on seventeen, fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads, and rogues and cads
Will offer you food and wine

Totally unprepared are you, to face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you, of things beyond your ken

You need someone older and wiser, telling you what to do
I am seventeen going on eighteen, I'll take care of you

I am sixteen going on seventeen, I know that I'm naive
Fellows I meet may tell me I'm sweet, and willingly I believe
I am sixteen going on seventeen, innocent as a rose
Bachelor dandies, drinkers of brandies, what do I know of those

Totally unprepared am I, to face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared am I, of things beyond my ken

I need someone older and wiser, telling me what to do
You are seventeen going on eighteen, I'll depend on you

*Grins* now that's more like it don't u think?
     Read 5 - Post
To everyone   
05:17pm 06/02/2010
mood: cheerful
To my friends... u are wonderful people, deep, considerate, lost at times but always found. You are sweet and caring and if i could hug u, i would. I don't care if your feet stink or if you have b/o bad breath or even flatulence... ok... maybe i'd wait on that hug *smiles*. You are a gift to this world i hope lasts for years to come. I hope each of you can spread that gift to others. You are good people, wonderful people who deserve attention and love from an assortment of others. If I had thought idols, u guys would bit it. People who would step aside from their lives to help others out, to give advice and to open ur heart to people you don't know. YOU are the reason i keep hope alive... people like you who make me see that there are great people out there even when i feel ignored or absent from everyones mind. I really wish i could hug u guys right now... i feel alive, and cared about. Even if our words are text on a screen, i know u exist, and all our problems and triumphs exist too, so what if they are documented... speech is communication but so is writing and living and looks and smiles...

I'm greatful for you, thankful even, and it doesn't take me something like thanksgiving to say it. If you ever need anything... drop me a line and be patient... i always reply... i'm always ready to fight for u... or talk to u... or just be that shoulder to cry on. What do i ask in return? One thing... u keep strong and keep staying alive... be that person you are and don't let anyone change you, because you ... all of u... are meaningful, even when it seems like darkness has surrounded u and u don't know where to turn... ur the lights ... remember that... the stars in the sky that guide... and only u can choose the path you take across the heavens and welcome weary travelers to a place of love and hope.

To the others:
I'm sorry you have found yourselves tied in materialism, self absorbtion and deciet. Some of you are those people, and others still are the ones afflicted by them. But no matter who you are... no matter what seems hard or trying... there's always someone... don't give up because so many seem to be oblivious, seem to not care or have no empathy... take your heart and let it beat and leap in ur chest, and don't let things get you down.

Things come and go... but u can always count on one thing... there are people who will accept u and not judge... it's just hard to find them.. sometimes u have to give an effort to recieve the reward of knowing that you can be yourself and be happy... and if you are already happy. then i am happy for you, but we can't all be happy all of the if ever anyone needs anything... i don't have money... i don't have a big house or fancy cars... all i have is my heart, an ear, and mind unclouded but what evils the worlds hold... so drop me a line... i'll get back to you as long as you're not in some marketing scheme or something like that *SMILES* now u gooffs... go on... smile a bit... i am
     Read 1 - Post
about daggerwolfie   
01:34am 06/02/2010
mood: tense
music: Jack Off Jill - Girlscout
I'm sorry you're call did not go through, please hang up and try your call again *BEEP BEEP BEEEP* er er er er er er er er er er er er er...

sorry... if ur looking for me... post.. n wait... cause im busy talkin to someone.. hope all u who actually hang out on my blog are up to waitin a bit... not that anyone does.. U GUYS SUCK! ...

nah just kiddin .. i love u guys *HUGS ALL THE WAY AROUND*
04:13am 05/02/2010
  well i wont be on here tomorrow... i'm ready to pass out.. gave the floor a once over.. ok.. a several times over ... it was drvin me crazy... but my plans are as follows...

wait for codi to call,
get in touch with illusion n get my sisters number...
wait for phantom to hit me back...
get chores done...

n ta da... nap... alot... *YAWNS*
     Read 1 - Post
12:13am 05/02/2010
mood: worried, excited, tired, scared
K so my brother illusion found my long lost sister ... FINALLY! I cant wait to talk to her... *thinks* yes.. my long lost brother found his other long lost sister n my long lost sister too...

Phantom was having trouble but he got high... it turns out it was relationship trouble... *sighs* poor guy.. I CALLED IT! (told u i love my lil brothers... n ta da! i knew something bad happened)

all this good im getting means im in for a hell of alot of bad though... i also get to talk to codi tomorrow... my ex has a picture of BOTH OF US on her facebook... hmmm *thinks* umm i dunno what else to tell u...

lets see... everythings going great... the pneumonia is starting to break up... laughter helps so does forcing myself to breath in deeeeeeep real slow n then out real fast... n then cough cough cough so YES... now what terrible thing is going to happen i wonder... *THINKS* i keep thinking it has to do with my cats... i dunno though...

i could be wrong...
     Read 8 - Post
arg fucking disconnect...   
06:54pm 04/02/2010
mood: worried
music: ey in My Hand
I think my brother phantom's in trouble... *thinks* i got off line n JUST missed a phonecall... it sounded like him breathing with a sigh... i dunno though... im worried.
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05:55pm 04/02/2010
mood: worried
music: Not Important
I just got the feeling something went horribly wrong...
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11:01am 04/02/2010
mood: aggravated
OK! I'M AWAKE! ... OMG am i ever awake... this is what i mean by... VERY LITTLE SLEEP... i tried going to sleep several times last night n i soon as i laid down *cough* *grumbles* so i ended up staying up till i passed out n then *BANG BANG BANG* my mommy was here... that's not the problem, i knew she was comming... then she complained about the house (as if it wasn't driving me crazy enough already) and i explained again about my pneumonia n she said it didn't matter she doesnt get to sit around when she's sick... it's just to bad and it needs to get done. I get out of breath walking to the bathroom damn it! I'm trying my best... n my little brothers are grounded from seeing me again because "they have fun over here, and I'm a treat for them" WTF im their sister... so the only bit of help i could've been getting just got wisked away... n they are such big helps when it comes to me being sick. such sweeties... the both of em.
Love is the cruelest of all things...   
10:50pm 03/02/2010
mood: content
Okay... this is about the things i felt when she left me... it's kinda relevant now but not really... it only holds importance as a part of my history now. I just wrote it a second ago but it's a recap on the entire thing. And i think the ending is pretty clear on how i see it... make sure ur browser is set as wide as it will go so u can get the propper flow for it... n i hope u like this little bit of me. I had to go back n reformat it though so it'd look proper... im a stickler about that kinda thing.

Curse Upon Myself, (a poem)

Apart from all the seasons and the reasons without heart,
The joy of lost confessions makes regression seem an art,

  So drink me from the waterglass until you overflow,
  and contemplate the memories and the ones you'll never know.

Return to me one favor for the flavor life gave you,
seal me as the countess, let devoutness run me through.

  High heads holding high heads in the corridors of life
  the tunnels lie beneath the streets, all burried without light.

So withholding expression makes confession seem anew
and drowing within sorrows makes tomorrows outlook blue.

  Green with envy red with spite, and therein still lies love.
  It echoes through this century like the soft cries from a dove.

And yes I followed fragrance, sallowed fragments for a time,
but you will never feel me so conceal me in this rhyme...

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Just when you think u know what what's true... someone comes along and changes ur mind for u   
01:32pm 03/02/2010
mood: contemplative
My religion... well. I'm trying to get it started... I'd like to make a temple dedicated to it. For all the philosophy junkies and star gazers out there, and all the mind to come in and focus their goals on one thing.

It would be a place for housing knowlege since knowledge is important in my religion.
It would also be a place dedicated to the depth of people, a place where people could feel... since everyone tries to be fake everywhere else. A place where you could be yourself and be accepted...

A place for theory, and community, helping and math, u have something u think about alot and your heart feels is true... come in... research it with the minds that will tune themselves over the years....

As for the basics my beliefs and the deeper thought process I wish to found said religion on.

It's simple.

All religious text hold their place in reality. First off as documentation of the past and second and most importantly as a theological discovery.

Example: God. God as defined in the bible is everywhere and in everything, he'/she is without form but creates everything, and cannot be created nor destroyed. God also is key to the design of all creation.

Now keep in mind this was written years ago before the discovery I'm about to state.

Now the only thing that we know of today that fits this description is energy.
it cannot be created nor destroyed
it's charge dictates the desgn of all things
it is everywhere and in everything
and it is without form.

Now, religious folks will sell that short. saying that it can't be energy because god created energy. I beg to differ. Because energy was unknown in those times, couldn't it be the thriving force behind all things. Well plain and simple science shows us it is. Now we cannot dismiss it as having no conscienceness because something of that size cannot be defined by modern science. All we can do is look at the little bits.

Further more... when we die we loose our charge. It goes out somewhere and joins the whole.

More proof? sure why not. God is part of everyone... we are derrived from god. We are god's children.

Now children quite simply gain life from their parents and also take part of their code, but they can never FULLY be their parents... therefore the energy we hold can never be all the energy in existance and is only part of the whole. Hence jesus, the man, was the son of god, but it is also stated that we are all the children of god. Right? Right.

Now as for reincarnation. Logic tells us that if the energy present in us in life (the soul if u will), leaves us in death, it must rejoin the mass of energy in existance and no longer flow through someone. Upon rejoining the whole it will be seperated. This seperation will be joined with other energy charges from previous people "and you'll go to heaven and join everyone" then be redistributed into new life. Since we are only a part of gods kingdom *winks* now. With such redistribution we can count on one thing. The same energy comming back around. How long will that take? well I sure can't figure that out. That's the big question. But u better believe ull be back again.

Because the responses of energy in the brain dictate how the brain developes during an infants growth. The same energy will share the same thought process but not experiences, simply because the evironment will change. But it would be safe to say that we would think pretty much the same way the next time around.

This redistribution into other things and people and creatures also accounts for buddism s "u could be anything" it also ties us to the whole which is all things. It also accounts for de je vu *thinks* I dunno if that's spelled right.. moving on!

Now as for my thesis... it would blow your mind far more than this little tidbit. It's something I would share with memebers of the temple. However there is more to my little basis of belief.

Interaction and charge. Due to the things you experience ur brain will store a heafty amount of information. Some of that information is useless, and others impact us a great deal. Due to this we can accurately calculate (with enough thought and time) the range of energetic charge. It would be a vast scale. The charge of the energy could carry things over. Hence u meet someone u connect with, or feel like u have met before. Also u have faces u don't know haunt ur dreams, see things that aren't there... ghosts if u wil are energy signatures bonded strongly to form... this doesn't make them fully conscience but does make them unable to be redistributed until dispersed. Logically they must exist, but not as most assume. Unfinished business and all. It is a flaw in the dispersal design or a charge to strong... it would have to decay over time....

Anyways that's the basics... if u want to know more... lemme know... but I REALLY REALLY want to know what u think. As for my theory on the universe... coupled with this, it makes indisputeable sense...
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02:24am 03/02/2010
mood: frustrated
music: Primitive Radio Gods - Standing Outside A Boken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand
codi left me a msg... she msses me *smiles* made my day all over agian... what after that headlackey n all *glares* dunno if i should be mad at him... i am kinda... like i said .. i'm a puppy... through n through... i get attached n grumble at those who hurt the ones I get attached to. ... to soon... humph... if i meet a good person that's it... i'll stand up for em... if we start becoming friends... *grumbles* people who hurt them better be careful... n if we are friends... well these situations just get worse people... u get the picture...

neways... codi left me a msg... which made me smile. 2 more days till she can call me... friday it is! *smiles* if there wasn't a distance issue this woulda been awesome... I hope she's doing ok... didn't update me on her day or nothing... (btw... i used to live in nd... 40 mutes away from her *mutes = my shortname for minutes... but i never got to see her... which really sucks) but alas... we're two different people... she does love animals as much as me though...

SoooOooOooo back to what i was saying before... I'm one to die or kill for my friends... the protective type... my friends out there (u know outside this computer screen i'm currently stuck behind ... u know... i dunno how i even got in here) know it... i'm one of those folks that likes to help... me n olie heard a woman screaming for help so we jumped in his suv n rolled out looking for the trouble... we were gonna lay down the law... couldn't find anyone who would answer the door though... called the 5-0 and it turned out to be a domestic... sooo they weren't to happy that the cops were called... who cares... why scream for help if u'd get pissed when someone comes to help?

anyways... so yeah... u guys made it to my friends list... every last one of u... u need anything... msg me. hell eventually even call me... i can't do anything in the ways of money... but my heart goes out to all of u

now back to codi... i fell head over heals for her a bit ago... n now i'm over it... she broke it to me gently... sure once i feel something it never goes away but i'm also understanding to her thoughts, feelings, and emotions... that's how i am with everything... sure I may decide to cry about it later, but u know what... that's okay too.

We're still closer than ever so *GRINS* yay!! *uses one of those twistie new year thingines that makes that loud sound when u spin it on the handle* *blows a whistle and throws confetti*

ARG I need to go to bed... im getting cranky... nitie nite!
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as for the fone thing...   
01:14am 03/02/2010
music: *** 1. -
that includes the future ... when i get to know u... not right away... just post the comment in reply to that one... n if i don't know u i won't call.. n if i don't call right away... i probably can't get into my fuggin email son of a bit f... arg...
Ok.. for all u folks out there   
12:44am 03/02/2010
mood: impressed
music: Dave Mathews Band - Ants Marching
k... i stumbled upon greenbeans you guys gotta check it out...

what i've gathered so far...

greenbeans is on a diet of nothing but green beans... it's an experiment of sorts...
now, greenbeans does not like greenbeans at all... ha ha ha... curious isn't it?

and what's more i dunno much about greenbeans yet... cept that I love them n greenbeans doesn't OH! THE COMEDY JUST DOESN"T STOP (hey i like dry humor damn it... monty python and the holy grail rocked!)... ahem... but i hope to learn more about greenbeans n i hope he journal is not just strictly experimental *giggles* ahem again... check it out n give encouragement if u got time
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Get in touch with me via phone   
12:05am 03/02/2010
mood: awake
music: 1. Fastball - Out Of My Head
Ok... plain and simple... I'm at hotmail.. if ur sharp ull figure out my email... it's easy ... trust me... just email ur phone # to me (cause i got unlim long distance) n i'll call u... I'm brave like that! ... n then comment to me here on this entry n lemme know u sent it...
Yay new pics... n sorry to my friends...   
05:53pm 02/02/2010
mood: amused
music: Primitive Radio Gods - Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand
Now I'm sure, as far as firends go, u'll all getting annoyed with my constant posts... some days though I just feel like talking... other days... not so much... with me being sick though I really can't do to much else... I mean I get out of breath walkin to the fridge... so yeah *yawn*....

Anyhow... I'm working on uploading pics at photobucket now... so I can post a pic a post... for all u guys that love pics... (by guys i mean gurls too ya know) ... u'll see me... I've got more but I'm saving those for my website...

Gooooood I miss codi... I can't believe distance is an issue though *sighs*... that's alright though... I mean she's still my buddy... n that's a plus ... but I miss er alot.

arg... all these passwords to remember.. !! dag nabbit! dag dag dag nabbit... now my browser crashed... lucky for me i got this lovely blurty prog from them... he he he *evil smirk* oh well im gonna try this again... ready... set... *loads up browser* thanks for comming with me on this adventure through my pc as uninteresting as it may be...

Ok... while we wait... last night I was REALLY drunk... or thasmornin... either way... really drunk... n i don't like to drink... cause i get ... well... really emotional... n stupid... so i got a pic for ya. I was alll depressed about my ex... cause i was drunk. Honestly I'm not really that upset anymore... she just needs to find her someone and so do i... that special someone... but when I'm drunk... logic flies out the window... n emotions run wild... I actually MADE THIS expression art WHILE DRUNK... so enjoy...

Song: Eve 6 - Here's To The Night

oh n the previous pics... the blue one... Bush - Glycerine

These are some of me... again... enjoy... misc 1expressionmoods n a snapshot
(sorry... there'd be more except I can't seem to get em all uploaded without being booted.. *sigh*)

Song: Jack Off Jill - Strawberry Gashes

yeah yeah I know.. big nose big hands... blah blah blah... welll people with big noses are supposed to be smart so there! *sticks tongue out* n i'm a lesbian so... big hands... well ... they come in HANDie...*grins* *giggles* ha ha ha ha
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